Not Another Divorce Statistic
I did not want to be another divorce statistic, but the numbers were not in our favor.
My husband Rudy is a bus driver and I work in dentistry – both careers that rank high in divorce statistics. We have a severely handicapped son. We struggled financially. My husband has been fighting depression for most of his life. My life and my marriage were in overdrive and I wanted out.
It all started with the birth of our first son, David.
We had planned to have a baby when Rudy finished university. Like most parents to be we prayed and prayed for a healthy child. Our healthy baby arrived. Two and a half months later our beautiful baby boy suffered a high fever from his first vaccination and just kept screaming. No one could help us. We were on our own as our child screamed day and night.
We kept going to doctors, but there was no medical label to put on him. Test were ordered, then more tests, but we didn’t get any answers. The best they could come up with was, “oh, he’ll be fine.” It made me want to scream. Something was obviously very wrong, why wasn’t anyone helping my son? I felt so guilty. I felt like I had done something wrong and it was my fault he wasn’t developing the way he should. Mother’s Day was harder to face every year.
Our lives reduced to just taking care of David.
I stopped going to college. Our health suffered and the depression Rudy had fought before came back stronger than ever. He was suicidal. I was scared and tired and bitter. Neither of us wanted any more children. Secretly I wondered what is would be like to have a child ‘just like the other kids’ and I felt guilty about that too.
Four years later, in spite of birth control, I got pregnant. It was a stressful pregnancy. Rudy was angry and I could feel the unrest of my unborn child. We had a son and named him Richard. I honestly don’t remember much about the first years of his life — good thing I took pictures. My life was just survival. There was no energy for anything more. With all the responsibilities and sleepless nights of having a newborn in the house, we still had David to take care of. And David cried a lot.
There was no escape from the crying.
We would take turns walking and rocking him, feeding him, whatever it took to get our child to rest and relieve his pain. We put in countless all-nighters trying to help this child. I started walking a lot. It was my one chance at peace and quiet and sanity and I started to feel better.
Then along came baby number three. Richard was only 2 ½ years old and our lives were in over drive. We expected another boy, but this time it was a girl. All of the stresses of a newborn came back and now there were three children to take care of. Ours was not a calm house. Rudy was still struggling with depression and anger. I wanted to just walk away but I wasn’t ready to give up on my marriage completely. When I got married I promised forever and that still meant something. I still wanted this marriage to work, so I prayed and prayed and waited.
I started to see where God had answered my prayers.
David is alive, not dead. He cannot speak, he cannot move his arms or his legs but he is part of this family. He will let you know that you are loved and accepted. You can feel good just sitting beside him. It still amazes me to see my kids together. SharaLynn loves to take care of David. Richard told David one day that there would be no bibs or wheelchairs in heaven. This past spring Rudy made some major changes in his life and our life as a family is changing for the better.
God did answer my prayers. I decided to stay with my family and so I am here to see the changes. I have learned to never stop praying. Even when it hurts. Just as I wanted to do anything I could to help David when he cried, so God is there to help us when we cry. Circumstances were against Rudy and I staying together, but God was for us. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy, but God continues to carry us through. I am not another divorce statistic. I am a happily married woman and the mother of three. I have learned the value of prayer and with God in my life I have hope for the future.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Need to talk? You can talk privately with a trained mentor.
Be happy! Learn how to live your life to the fullest.
I feel like this story is my own. About 4 years ago my life was reduced to medical evaluations and therapy appointments. I had to give up my job and return home fulltime in order to provide and coordinate care for one of my sons. He has autism. We began realizing during his infancy that he was different but we were never sure of what. But as the days, weeks, and months unfolded it became crystal clear that his issues would require more than I often felt I had to give. My husband does some of the same things as the authors did. He often shuts down and shuts me out. It is taking him longer to accept our son’s diagnosis and become actively involved in our day to day life. We also have an older son who feels the strain. I can concur with the author. I don’t want to be another divorce statistic but keeping things balanced is a daily battle.
Cee, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with your husband. At Power to Change, we have mentors who love to talk to people. They answer your questions privately in an email and then you can just email her back if you’d like to keep talking. It’s a free and private. All of our mentors are screened so it’s safe and easy to use. If you are interested in talking with someone, click here.
My prayers and best wishes for the both of you and your entire families. I also will pray for patience for the two of you and both of your spouses, because in a situation like that patience is a key. May the Good Lord give strength, make you strong, and stand with you both and families against all odds. God blessed everyone and keep on praying (prayers changes things).
Thank you Natasha for your words of encouragement. I appreciate them. And you are exactly correct. Prayer does change things; especially our hearts. May God richly bless you.
You have shown a wonderful message and a great faith to our Lord Jesus Christ to a woman like me. I am a widow with two sons and still in faith to God. Still wanted to be more richer in faith. Thank you for your inspiring testimony.
Thank you for this Wonderfull!!!!!!!! story. It really hit home for my hudband and I. We do understand what this story is all about by being young, married, parents, and a student. This really did inspire me and I honestly thank you for that. God lead us to this posting at such a PERFECT time….
*husband
God bless you and may he continue to build a loving household for you.
i to know the trials of sick kids. we have 4 boys and the two youngest have special needs. one is a diabetic and the other has lupus. they tell you at children’s hospital that the divorce rate in families with sick kids is 90%
i never thought we’d be a statistic however here we are. my husban of 23 years is having an affair. he has compromised all his beliefs and is definatly not happy. i pray that he will find his way back to us as i believe that god choose us to care for these children. idon’t think gods idea was for us to raise them and when the last child left that’s it marriage over. thanks for the inspiration. it’s nice to know that there are other people that have similar experiances and they make it through.
Winona, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Raising children is a challenge at the best of times and so much more so when there are special needs. I agree with what you said that God’s idea wasn’t for you to raise your children and then to have your marriage be over. My prayer for you is that your husband will realize that he is headed the wrong direction and that you will in fact make it through. We do have online mentors here at Power to Change that would love to correspond privately with you. Just click on the ‘Talk to a Mentor’ link on the top right corner of this page if you are interested.
be thankful you have all your kids my son was severly autistic I lost a baby girl and my life’s been a nitemare
Denise I am sorry for your loss. I may not be in your situation but I understand. I received the physicians report confirming my son’s autism just days after I had a miscarriage. Life is hard, but God is good. That is more than a song or a cliche’. It is the absolute truth. I pray that inspite of your struggles you count it all joy knowing that the testing of your faith will increase your strength in the Lord.
Cee you do understand and that is awesome that you took the time to encourage Denise in a way that others of us couldn’t begin to. Denise we do have online mentors here who would love to walk this journey with you. if you are interested just go to this page and someone will be in touch with you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
i thank God everyday that i have my boys. they have been with me through this nightmare with my husband. their support has been a God send. my husband has now changed the locks and left me homeless and moneyless. i have gone to welfare and they are supporting me right now. we are so luckey to have such a program. my neighbours have taken me in and given me a home.i am slowly recovering from all this shock and i realize now that i am away from my husband just how afraid i was when with him. i know now that God got me out of the house to keep me alive and he has made sure that i can’t go back at least for now. i don’t know what God has instore for my relationship with my husband in the future but i am safe now
Winona, have you been able to access any help through women’s shelters? You can find out more at http://www.shelternet.ca in Canada or thehotline.org in the States. You may be able to access other resources through these agencies as well.
Lord God, I pray for Winona as she tries to recover from her husband’s rejection. I pray that you would protect her and her boys. In Jesus’ name amen.
I totally understand where you ladies are coming from..I have a teenage son with special needs who is a day to day constant challenge. My first marriage fell apart due to the stress of it and my husband became very abusive so I left..I worked thru my feelings on it and did get remarried but my marriage is again in the middle of cauos due to issues that my husband has and due to the fact that he can not cope with my son. Child and Welfare was involved in our lives due to my husband’s issues and she asked me how did I find the strength to deal with all the stress..The best answer I could give her is that I take one day at a time knowing that God will give me strength and wisdom for each day..It has taken me 14 years to daily build on to my faith and strength thru it all, but if it was not for God walking beside me each step of the way I just could not handle it all. So rely on God..He will give you what you need for each day when you need it. Life may not be perfect as mine is not but even when you can’t feel God He is there..With God you can get thru anything as I have with abusive parents, abusive foster parents, rape, miscarriage, special needs child, domestic violence, divorce, and massive health issues as I have now…Just trust and wait on God an he will be there
This is an old posting but was helpful for me to read just the same. I’ve been thinking of leaving my husband. We were separated last summer for 3 months and it was WONDERFUL. He made many changes but seems many were short term and we are back where we were before AND I am financally trapped – no $ and my 25 year old disabled daughter is living with us…. so much stuff to deal with…overwhelming often but I know in my heart that God is there…I just feel very alone and the things my husband says to me are hurtful. This is my 3rd marriage and I was so hoping it would be a good one and set a good example for my daughter. I did everything right in our courtship and we wanted to marry so we could serve the Lord together….much has happened the 11 years we have been married..I’d like to just crawl in a hole sometimes but I won’t cause too many people love me …..this is my life, not what I wanted and I feel guilty, angry and sad all at the same time.
Hi Jae, I am so sorry that your marriage has become such a painful relationship. It is good to know that God is with us and can comfort and guide us in these difficult times. In what ways have you felt God’s presence and guiding in your life? What do you think God is calling you to do in the middle of the hurt and conflict? How has all this turmoil impacted your husband’s relationship with God?
Heavenly Father, I pray for these children of Yours and ask that You would help break down the walls that have built up between them and heal their love for each other. I pray that Jae would clearly hear Your voice and have the courage to obey Your direction. I pray that her husband would respond to the conviction of the Holy Spirit over his hurtful words and allow You to make lasting changes in his life. Guard Jae’s daughter from the trauma of another broken marriage and use this time in her life to solidify her commitment to follow You. In Jesus’ name amen.