An Unreasonable Joy
I have always loved babies. Even as a young girl, you would see me carrying my little cousins around on my hip. So I just assumed that when I got married and decided to have children, it wouldn’t be a problem. When my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at thirteen weeks I was heartbroken.
Since I got pregnant right away the first time, I thought we would just go ahead and try again. But because of complications after my miscarriage it wasn’t so simple. I couldn’t get pregnant and so I was booked for a D&C (a Dilatation & Curettage, where the miscarriage is treated by scraping out the lining of the uterus).
When the time came for my pre-op testing, I was quite sure that I might be pregnant again but my doctor didn’t believe it. When my pregnancy tests came back negative, I trusted her word. Yet my husband and I struggled with it. What if I was indeed pregnant with our much-wanted child? We prayed and asked God to protect the baby if that was the case.
My miracle baby
Seven and a half months later we were the proud parents of a healthy baby boy – a full-term baby! God had protected him and even the surgeon and my obstetrician had to admit that Jamie was indeed our miracle baby! Today he is a young adult who loves life. He just got married and is starting a family of his own!
There were times during that pregnancy when I became very anxious. With each complication I came to the point where I had to consciously make a choice. Would I become anxious about losing this baby? Or would I place my trust in God, who knew exactly how it would all turn out right from the beginning? Afraid that I would miscarry again, the doctor put me on bed rest for two months.
One day, laying flat on my back, I called out to God. As I looked out the bedroom window I saw a beautiful rainbow, which is a sign of promise in the Bible. I decided to make my requests known to God and leave the outcome to him. And I am thankful that he knew every moment of my baby’s life before he was even conceived!
I actually had a couple of almost normal months until I was on my back again, this time with toxemia. I was hospitalized and ordered to be on total bed rest once more. At that time I struggled with feelings of anger, disappointment and fear of losing my child, not to mention the anxiousness of not knowing what would happen next.
Again I came to the point where I could say, “Lord, this child is indeed in your hands.” With all the complications Jamie and I almost died during my labor and delivery, yet God miraculously intervened and we both survived.
Getting pregnant again
My next pregnancy ended in another miscarriage and after that it took almost another year before I was pregnant again. We were thrilled, but at four months I became very ill and had to undergo an emergency appendectomy! Again my life as well as the life of my unborn child was at risk.
The surgeon told my husband that my appendix was “hot” and would not have lasted until morning. We agonized through the following days wondering if I would miscarry again and we knew we had a choice to make: would we be overwhelmed? Or would we turn to God, rejoice in him and with thankful hearts make our requests known to him?
Getting to know God better
I spent almost that entire pregnancy on my back as my blood pressure again went dangerously high. I had three months of premature labor, which were also months of incredible growth in my relationship with God. I could do nothing but spend time with him and that is exactly what I did.
As I concentrated on getting to know God better, it became easier to trust him in every situation, especially to bring this tiny baby healthy into our family. Heather arrived safely and she is a constant reminder of those long months I spent being still before God.
Three years later I finally had my first normal pregnancy. That was when Jody joined our family. I had to choose to trust God for each pregnancy and each complication. And now I continue to choose to trust him to help me raise each of our children. With three young adults that isn’t always easy. But it is a choice I make.
One of my favorite passages in the Bible says, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:4,6,7)
Without Christ in me I could never choose joy. It would only be a feeble attempt at positive thinking. The source of my true joy comes from my right relationship with him and he gives me the power to make that choice even in the most difficult circumstances. As I trust him with every detail of my life I’m learning the secret of being content in any and every situation.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
You are so right Christy in saying that it’s not our place to figure out God’s plan because we don’t have the whole picture! But it is a challenge when we are so sure that God is going to answer a certain way and then when He doesn’t we feel disappointed. A really good book that I read during that time was Trusting God by Jerry Bridges…..excellent. I’ve learned lots about what it does and doesn’t mean to trust God over these past years, and He continues to teach me more about Himself day by day. I’m glad He never tires of my questions! Blessings to you and do come back and let me know how everything works out for you. I would love to hear.
Your support to your daughter is invaluable. For me it’s such a comfort to know that I can call my mom whenever I need to talk. Even though she may not understand she will always support me and that’s huge. I know what you mean about praying and having faith that everything will be fine and then to have things turn out differently. We all did the same thing with my nephew before he was born because the doctors had multiple concerns about his health but I just KNEW he would be fine. He had to be. Then he was born with some completely different problems and we were all shocked. I felt a lot of guilt because my daughter born just 13 days before was just fine. It seemed so random and I felt very undeserving and had to come to terms with the fact that things that happen in this life are not a direct result of what we have or haven’t done. Sometimes bad things happen and it’s not God’s way of punishing, and the blessings we receive are not usually deserved. All life circumstances and events can and will be used according to his perfect plan and I sometimes daily have to remind myself that it’s not my place to figure out that plan. It’s certainly way beyond my comprehension level anyway. :)
If you ever find yourself with extra time (good luck with that because I know how much my mom LOVES spending her free time being a grandma!) I think you could write an amazing book drawing from your life experience. I looked high and low for a book to read during my pregnancy to help calm my fears and focus on faith, but the few I found were either too fact-based about the pregnancy stages or were written only for people who were going to have perfect pregnancies (except for a couple pages at the end for “when things go wrong”). Even if it’s not something geared directly toward pregnancy, I have a feeling that whatever God would lead you to write would be a huge blessing to so many. Your family certainly needs the first round of your free time though! :)
You are too kind Christy! My husband and I certainly tried to be a support to my daughter and her husband because we understood loss, not because we were strong. In fact it triggered a dark night of the soul in my own life because I was so sure that God would answer our prayers and spare the lives of the girls, but He chose otherwise. What I did learn though was that even in the darkest night, God is still there…..
Your parents must be so excited about all the new grandbabies. We have twice had two born in one year and it is so much fun watching the cousins grow up together like that. We now have 7 five years old and under!
Thanks too for the encouragement to write a book. You aren’t the first person that has suggested it but I still work full time so there just aren’t enough hours in the day!
I’m so sorry to hear of your twin grandbabies. I’m sure you were a huge support to your daughter during that time but the grief you have is not only for her but yourself as well. You must be a very strong person (I always hate it when people say that to me because I don’t feel strong, just that I’m surviving sometimes, but I always know that Jesus is being strong for me when I can’t be!). My parents have 4 grandkids now and we are expecting 4 more to arrive this fall. Mine, my brother and his wife are getting one in July, and my sister (the one with the little boy with a few problems) is expecting twins shortly after my baby is due. I know they are daily prayer warriors for us and already have a huge love for each little one.
I truly appreciate your words and encouragement. I feel the truth in everything you wrote (really, you should write a book or at least consider a blog!) The people in your life are so blessed to have you because if you can touch my heart and give me comfort through this website then you are undoubtedly impacting countless lives around you. Again, thank you!
Thanks for taking the time to leave your comments Christy! I am so glad that my story was in some small way an encouragement to you. It is so hard to take our thoughts captive once we let our minds start down that path of fear and worry. You are so right, it can be crippling! But the reality is that God is trustworthy so when you start to worry, remind yourself of some of the promises that He gives and say them outloud if you have to….His grace is sufficient….He will never, no never leave you nor forsake you….every day of this child’s life is numbered and God has ordained each one…..
My ‘miracle baby’ will be 35 years old this year! and now I am a grandma who still has to trust God for each baby that is added to our family. Our daughter lost a set of identical twin girls at 20 weeks so I have had really had to put this to practice in my own life over and over again. We now have 7 grands here on earth and 2 more in heaven.
Thank you for writing this. I have two healthy children and am pregnant with #3. Although my pregnancies were both pretty normal, I have so much anxiety about this one because I’m 35 and my sister had a baby the same time as I had my second and her son has some random birth defects. Although his problems were not genetic, I’m still terrified that something will be wrong with my baby. I wish you would write a book because there’s not much out there that’s written by someone who understands what it’s like to be consumed by worry (regardless of where that worry stems from, it can be crippling all the same). Your story of continued faith is inspiring and I appreciate that you shared it. It helps me to know I’m not the only one who has experienced that struggle between anxiety and trusting God through all things.
Thanks for stopping by Hope. I’m glad that my story has given you a boost. Trusting God is a day by day process in each and every pregnancy, especially when you have had multiple issues like you have. Be encouraged, and keep trusting.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a very prem baby in 2009 who survived and a still birth at 32 weeks in 2011 both due to blood clotting problems. I am now pregnant again – 5 weeks – and am facing bed rest from 28 weeks. I’m terrified and struggling to have faith but your story has really given me a boost tonight. Thank you x
I am so glad that you were encouraged by my story oziem. God’s faithfulness is wonderful even in our darkest moments.
Thank you so much for what you wrote. I was so nervous about my situation. After I read this it was all needed. Thank you.Praise God. I am now pregnant after having a M/C and was so anxious. After reading your story my heart was fill ed with peace. God bless you and your family. TY again.
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