Suicide seemed like a good option
“I’m sorry, you’re just not working out.”
The words pierced my heart like daggers of ice.
“A nurse just has to be able to relate well with her patients. How can anyone who is sick or dying feel comforted when you fall apart at the drop of a hat? Unless a miracle happens, you will be failed (from this program) within a few weeks.”
My eyes stung as I tried to hold back the tears. My instructors were right–I had no confidence when I was with people. But nobody knew how hard I was trying! There was nothing I wanted more than to be a good nurse, but somehow it just wasn’t happening. I wanted a fresh start, but I was a failure.
Though I’d had an average childhood, my experiences as a teenager left me feeling humiliated, confused, withdrawn and without any sense of self-worth. In the seventh grade I had transferred to a new school, and I was very excited. Until one day in January.
Starting over: The future after loss
Life Lesson: Battling suicide
I might not have had so much trouble dealing with this betrayal at the hands of my peers if the unwanted attention had quickly faded away. Instead, it escalated. I was labeled “Bush Bat” and my classmates would cringe at the sight of me. Gradually, other kids in the school joined in. I was pushed in the hall, knocked on the skull with class rings and, on many occasions, pelted with spit wads for entire forty-five minute class periods.
As soon as I could after graduation, I moved as far from home as possible to try to establish a new name for myself as a respected nurse.
But now, as my instructor spoke, it was obvious that the years of rejection had left me severely scarred. Not knowing what friendship was like, and never understanding what meaningful conversation was, I did not know how to comfort my patients or approach my co-workers. I blurted my questions and comments without realizing the effects of my words on others. I blundered my way through delicate situations, causing many anxious moments for the people around me. My parents couldn’t understand how I could get such high grades in my “book-work” and still be such a terrible nurse.
Having no one to turn to, and certain that I would shame my family if I failed school, I decided that there was only one thing left to do. Unless that “miracle” occurred, I would commit suicide.
The next day, the hospital cafeteria was unusually crowded. A girl in her late twenties asked if she could sit with me because there were no empty tables. As we ate, she chatted about a singles’ group that she was organizing. She wondered if I would be interested. I was too depressed to think about meeting more people, but just to be polite, I took her number anyway.
That evening, I was unable to concentrate on my studies. Why invest all the time and effort when I would be flunking out anyway? Maybe I needed someone to lean on. Maybe . . . I needed a boyfriend. I dialed the number the girl in the cafeteria had given me.
Friday night she picked me up and drove me to the meeting. As soon as we got there, I felt very uneasy. It was held in a church. As an atheist, I hoped that I wasn’t going to be in the middle of some “religious thing.” A few minutes later, I found out that the singles’ meeting was actually a Bible Study for single people and I was outraged. Yet as the night progressed, many people introduced themselves to me and seemed interested in talking to me. My anger cooled, and I began to feel a strange sense of–could it be?–acceptance.
The next week, I debated whether or not to go back to the singles’ group. After all, I had no interest in religion whatsoever. Then I received a phone call. One of the girls called just to say “Hi.” Was this what it was like to have a friend? I wondered.
The second meeting had a different speaker than the first. This man started reading from the Bible, and for some odd reason, the words made sense to me. The Bible always seemed like a tangled maze of mysterious words, and I considered it too archaic to be of any value. But this night, for some reason, it seemed to come alive for me. I went home puzzled that night–both because of the Bible’s sudden pertinence to my life and because I felt a strange sense of belonging.
The next night was Saturday, however, and I was alone in my dormitory. I tried to sleep, but I was overcome with fear for the weeks ahead. I had tried every way I knew to overcome my lack of confidence and tact, but the more I tried the worse I failed. Plans for how and when I would die filled my mind.
But then, for some reason, I started reflecting upon the meeting I was at the night before. It was the first place I could remember feeling unconditional acceptance. Those people were different than anyone else I had ever met. I wondered why.
Maybe I’d been wrong all those years. Maybe there really was a God.
I didn’t know, but I did know that my own ways of dealing with life were leading me quickly to destruction. I cried, “Oh, God, I don’t even know if you are real. But if you are, please hear me. Please take over my life. I can’t do anything right. Just run my life whatever way you want to. I’m giving it over to you.” Then for the first time ever, I felt a sense of peace and assurance enfold me like a warm blanket would enwrap a helpless, newborn infant.
As the days and weeks passed, I started to read the Bible. As I read about the life of Jesus, it brought me to tears to realize that though I had nothing but rejection and failure for years, Jesus had His arms open wide to receive me as His very own child to love and to gently lead through this life. I learned that nothing could separate me from the love of God–no person, no situation, no failure, no sin. He loved me no matter what! Suddenly, the biggest social reject around found herself loved and wanted by the God of all Creation!
I gave Jesus control of my life and I let him decide whether or not I would pass school. As I became aware of His care for me, I was also becoming aware of His vast love for others. My focus shifted off of worrying about every move I made at the hospital, and onto how I could benefit those around me.
My instructors noticed the dramatic change in how I related to people. Suddenly, I truly cared for those around me and wanted to be an asset to the patients–not just so that I would be respected, but so that they would be strengthened and comforted. I passed that semester, and eventually graduated with honours.
I have now been a nurse for 17 years. I have worked in many places. Some situations have been more demanding than others, but there is one thing I can say for certain: God has never let go of my hand. Knowing that God Himself is in control of all things – and that He promises to work everything out together for good – has given me peace and comfort during the most trying moments and freed me up to be a compassionate nurse instead of a ragged and rattled bundle of nerves.
Jesus said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
If you have never thought about giving Jesus control of your life, you may want to consider doing just that. Read His word–the Bible–and you will find that Jesus is a God of compassion and love, and has a special heart for the weary and rejected. He can take even the darkest moments in your life and turn them around for good as you trust Him.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
“If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.”
what about those of us who don’t believe in God…
what are we supposed to believe in..?
keithmikal, life does seem hopeless when there seems to be nothing to ground our hope in, doesn’t it? I can relate because I’ve struggled with depression in the past.
Personally though, now I think there are some good reasons to believe that God exists and provides the solid ground for having hope even in very difficult circumstances … this is a post on my personal blog on that topic:
http://www.whyfaith.com/2006/10/19/wondering-if-god-exists/
If you are dealing with feelings of suicide, I urge you not to wait to seek further counseling. There are some resources listed on this links page including free confidential telephone help lines:
http://mag.thelife.com/interactive/Suicidehelp.html
You may also find our interactive life lesson helpful:
http://mag.thelife.com/study/suicide.html?section=suicide
Keith, if it’s alright with you, I’ll be praying for you. Though you may not believe in God right now, it’s my hope and prayer that He would reveal Himself to you in as much as you can handle it and that you would come to know the hope that comes from knowing Him.
thanks for the help.
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Thanks for sharing this story, it is very inspiring and i really felt the hand of God working, holding on to me. I will learn to surrender all to Him from now on, to lead me and guide me in the daily directions He wishes.
That seems like a nice story. I a m glad for the lady in it. When I first went to a church it was like that, but really churches are just full of people just like any other place. People always want to tear someone down. I still wish I could do something good for people though. All my thoughts are macabre, so I really have no one to share them with. I dont have anyone to share with good thoughts, either, though. I started donating all my stuff. There is one girl who talks to me, I invited her to take anything she wanted but she only wanted a few things.
You know what I hope, that when we die we still live in some way. Or if we dont it’s just peaceful. I’m sorry.
m – I’m sorry to hear that your experience wasn’t a positive one. I have had both good and bad experiences in church. As you said, they are full of people and people aren’t perfect, but some people are good.
You mentioned not having someone to share good thoughts with, would you like to talk to a mentor? Mentors are trained volunteers with real life experience. They can answer questions, point you to other resources or just listen when you have something to say.
If this sounds like something you’d like to try, just comment back here and I’ll set it up. (It is totally free.)
You mentioned giving things away and I apologize for making assumptions but in combination with the topic of this article, I’d rather risk offending you than not saying something if you are thinking about trying something. There is a lot of help available right now.
USA:
1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK
Canada:
Centre for Suicide Prevention
I believe in the Resurrection, but I just don’t wish to condemn all non Christians to hell ( if there is one ) just so I can get a ‘free ticket’ to Heaven. Also, various Christians use different words of Salvation by Christ. So if I use someone’s else’s phrasing, I won’t be saved?
Hi nemo,
What particular words a person uses don’t really matter, as long as they are conveying the same timeless truth. This (the “Four Spiritual Laws” or “Four Spiritual Principles”) is one way of saying it, but a person could explain it using different phrasing as long as it gets the same message across:
http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/
When you say you believe in the resurrection, why do you believe the resurrection was necessary? What I mean is, if there is no need to be saved [from hell] why was Christ’s sacrifice necessary? A person is not “condemn[ed] … to hell” because they are not a Christian; a person ends up there because they have sinned and therefore are separated from God by that sin. One of our resources on this topic can be found here:
http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/goodpeople/
So, what do you think?
Let’s get something straight…God does not give a damn about you. Whether you are an evil, callous, calculating person, or you are Godly, open, and warm, God will take you to the very depths of despair just because he needs a laugh.
Job was a lover and believer of God. He led a good life, and just because God wanted to, he decimated Job’s family, destroyed his home, and plagued him with disease. When Job finally asked for a reason as to why, he was basically told “Because I am God and you aren’t”. Keep in mind that Job never claimed to be God.
We are all supposed to believe that earthly life is unimportant compared to going to Heaven. Yet, suicide is considered the only unforgivable sin. What the hell is that about?
If God is going to pee all over me, then he can be assured that I will do the same to him.
Curiepoint, I was distressed to hear that your life experiences have led you to believe that God “does not give a damn about you.” I say “life experiences” because the idea that God doesn’t care about you is foreign to the Bible. There’s no indication that what happens to Job will happen to anyone else; it’s descriptive, not prescriptive, meaning that it tells what happened to a particular man once but doesn’t imply that a similar fate awaits us. You left out a few parts of Job’s story as well: God had been protecting Job all his life. God knew that Job would persevere through a period of trial. God also restored Job to more than he had before the trial, giving him twice as much as he had before. Also, I wonder where the Bible states that “suicide is considered the only unforgivable sin”? There is an article about that topic here if anyone is really interested in it.
We will face disappointments in this world; Jesus in fact specifically warned people that his followers will face persecution … he said that “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
I don’t know what kind of disappointments you’ve faced, but they are no doubt severe. I won’t pretend that I can understand what you’ve been through. But I really hope you will discover anew that God hasn’t forsaken you. The God we conceive of ourselves may work that way, but not the God of the Bible. “No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39)
Well I must say that I have suicide as an option B in my life and even find it quite comforting. I beleive that suicide should be an option as I beleive in re-incarnation..
Mr Kirk: And what if you’re wrong about reincarnation? Personally I wouldn’t make that gamble and wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else. There is always hope.
In reply to Darren Hewer, well I am prepared to make that gamble and it is my freedom of choice. I am not going to go and throw myself under a bus but I know it is an option… Isn’t life all about options?…Well if there is not life after death such as re-incarnation… well I will find out then wont I. Sorry to sound arrogant but we are here for such a short time and well….yegh…They even have websites on how to do it painlessly… I can not see an issue… If I had a choice to go I think… 1 — slashing wrists — but prepared properly can be quite painless… that would be my option for sure… and yes life is all about options…
Jason – there is no such thing as a painless suicide; someone ALWAYS suffers. Even if there was no pain to you personally, there would be great pain for everyone who loves you. Suicide is not simple or tidy or painless. It is tragic and messy and violent. It leaves scars that run deep on the people left behind. Suicide never takes a single victim, there’s always more than one life that is left in ruins. I knew a guy in high school, his name was Nathan. He ended his life with a bullet. His 6 year old sister was the one who found him. It may have ended quickly for him, but she has lived with the horror of what she saw that morning for almost 20 years now and nothing can ever make that right.
It’s nice to have options in life, but we also have responsibilities. Suicide doesn’t gently take you off the planet, it rips out of of the life of everyone you know, everyone you love. It leaves a wake of destruction. It’s no option at all.
Dear Jason,
Sometimes, the pain seems so great… all hope seems to be gone… and we can think ending life is the best option.
When we have not yet met God, it is hard for us to believe that we can actually get to know his love in a way that is so real, so fulfilling that nothing can compare to it, but that is what Jesus came to offer each of us. Not force on us, but offer us. He offered us this promise:
Come to me, all you who are weary, carrying a heavy burden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you, learn from me; I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
I can choose to live life alone, or to live it united to Jesus. Being a Christian is opening your heart to Jesus and inviting him to come in and live in you and with you forever. It is hard to describe how real, how close he becomes when we turn back to him that way. I think that is what is hardest about being a Christian: not finding the words or the ways to convey to others how deeply and perfectly they are loved by God. We only find it out for ourselves when we take that step of faith and welcome him in. If you ever become so desperate you want to end it all, why not become desperate enough to open your heart to him?