I Want my Baby Back
I wanted my life to go back to normal, but nothing could change the fact that I would always miss my baby.
My baby died at only 5 weeks of gestational age. The doctor referred to him as a “blighted ovum” or a case of “failure to develop”, but he was so much more than that to me. Wrapped up in this pregnancy were all the hopes and dreams of motherhood that I had cherished for so long. I couldn’t believe that all of that was gone.
The good news
I was so thrilled the day I found out I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test at five o’clock in the morning. Afterwards I crept back into bed. I whispered into my husband’s ear “I think we’re going to have a baby.”
A week later, I had slight spotting of blood. I went to the doctor right away. She told me it was nothing to worry about. She did a physical exam and said it seemed I was further along than 5 weeks – or I was having twins.
The bad news
It wasn’t until two weeks later when the ultrasound – in which I expected to here my little one’s heart beat – revealed that my womb was empty. The bleeding had been a painless miscarriage.
I have cried so much in the days since then. I have wondered what I could have done differently, but I did everything right. I have wished it had never happened, tried to push it out of my mind, and then felt guilty. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, wake up from the nightmare. I want my baby back!
The silver lining
But through it all, I have a great sense of comfort. The night before I found out for sure that I had lost my baby, I picked up my Bible. The words I read gave me a sense of peace and comfort that quieted my spirit in the midst of my sorrow. If I never have babies, He will still be my God, He will still love me, and He is still sufficient to meet all my needs.
The reality
Months have now passed since this all happened. Some days I am happy to be a young wife, and a professional, and some days the sight of a little one sends me reeling into sadness and self-pity. I try, and often succeed, to find joy in the blessings that I do have. This is not a story with a Disney ending. I cannot tell you that I am always joyful or that I am now the proud mother of beautiful children. But I do not have to live without hope for my future.
If you are going through the pain of a miscarriage, I share your sorrow. No one can say they know what your pain is like. Each woman’s experience is unique to her. Do not be surprised if other people’s attempts at comfort bring annoyance and impatience. Many people are uncomfortable around grief and are unsure of how to act.
There is hope
When I feel overwhelmed, or left out as friends have families, I think about God’s power to work all things for good. I remember His words of comfort to me, and I call to mind all the blessings and joys that I do have.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
I am currently 6 1/2 weeks pregnant.I have been bleeding for 7 days.# ultrasounds and two blood tests later,and the doctors still don’t know if i am miscarrying my twins or not.Two sacs,with yolks present,but no fetal poles nor heartbeats.Tomorrow is the final blood test for another beta-gam level.My husband and I had been considering abortion when we first discovered we were pregnant.God put a major burden on our hearts to continue with the pregnancy,and we have never wanted anything more than this gift that has been at least temporarily bestowed on us.The last 7 days have been full of crying,praying,and hoping.I am so terrified that we are going to be told that they are not going to be born.We need all the prayer we can get,and are just leaning on God and each other heavily,waiting for the miracle my husband is determined is going to happen.Please pray for us…Whatever is in God’s will shall come to pass.My prayer is that it is in His will that these very loved and wanted babies will spend their earthly days with us..