Learning to Love the Girl in the Mirror
I lost my dad to suicide at the age of five. Shortly after that a family member started sexually abusing me. Several years later I lost my step dad to a horrible fire that destroyed our home. We were left with nothing except for haunting memories. Later, I turned to drinking to ease the pain that tormented me day in and day out and also developed a disorder called BDD – Body Dysmorphic Disorder . The abuse and scars from my past made me think I was the ugliest person alive. All I desired was to take my life just like my dad had.
No matter how much I tried to get better, I kept falling flat on my face. The unbearable anxiety and suicidal thoughts occupied my soul. The ugly reflection from my mirror flooded my mind with atrocious lies. You are never going to get well! You will remain living with this hell! You will never escape and be free!
I picked up drinking again, hoping to find relief. Escaping from the monster in the mirror forced me to run towards things even more gruesome.
I needed a way out
Then one night my turbulent way of living caught up with me. I couldn’t handle my extreme highs, lows, and the stack of baffling conditions I juggled. I didn’t want to continue on the wild roller coaster ride any longer. I couldn’t handle the disabling hours in the bathroom, nor tolerate the self-destructive behavior in the bars. I felt ashamed of my life and needed the madness to end. Out of dire desperation, I prayed to God.
“God, I don’t want to wake up to see another day. I’d rather be dead! If you must keep me alive, then you have to help me get better. Please rescue me from this misery! God, let me die!”
To my surprise, when I awoke the following morning, I prayed to God to guide me into a church. It was Sunday morning and for some odd reason I longed to be in his presence. I fought a dreadful conflict in the bathroom as I prepared myself to get ready. The tormenting obsessions nearly destroyed me but I survived the onslaught, the hideous grooming ritual.
As I got into my car, a strange feeling encompassed me. I had no idea which church I was heading to. As I drove down the street, it felt as though a gentle hand was chauffeuring me. I pulled up along the side of an unfamiliar church. I hesitated for a moment, deciding whether to park my car or not. Is this the one? Look at all the people. Will they stare at me because I’m ugly? Should I go in or not? Within a few seconds, an incredible sensation empowered me, urging me inside.
Finding relief in a church
As I walked towards the entrance, several parishioners greeted me with open arms. This made me feel welcomed, so relieved. I found a seat and immediately participated in the singing taking place. I’d never done this before, but my heart longed to connect. The songs were uplifting and joyous. I cried as I joined in. I don’t recall the exact message spoken, but it infiltrated my heart. As service was about to end, the pastor asked everyone to close their eyes and bow their heads for prayer. After a minute or two of prayer, he announced an altar call, something unfamiliar to me.
He asked, “Is there anyone who would like to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior? Please raise your hand.”
Without hesitation, I raised my hand. I knew in my heart, right there and then, that I needed Jesus Christ in my life. I had no idea the pastor was going to ask all of us, who raised their hands, to go up for additional prayer. Right away, I walked up to the front. The pastor had me recite a special prayer, accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord.
Shortly after, elders of the church prayed over me. Tears poured down my face as we prayed together. Later, as I walked towards my car, I felt different. I didn’t feel dirty and ugly. I wasn’t troubled! I feel like I was finally alive!
Everything changed
Something inside me vanished. I felt all cleaned up inside. The obsessions and anxiety disappeared. For the first time in years, I felt good about myself in a healthy way, not in a self-destructive manner. I attended church on a weekly basis. I began to break out of the shell I was locked up in. The greatest feeling anyone could ever experience—imagine a prisoner, set free after being wrongfully locked up for over thirty years.
If you feel lost there is hope for you. There is hope for the aching heart that can not love. There is hope to the one that might be thinking about taking their life. Cry out to God and He will send you help.
For God says, “At just the right time, I heard you. On the day of salvation, I helped you.” (2 Corinthians 6:2)
God is ready to help you right now. Today is the day of salvation.
Do you want to accept Jesus just as Barbara did? All you need to do is pray. Prayer is just talking to God. There is no right or wrong way to do it. God is not concerned about the words that you choose, he cares about the state of your heart. He hears you, the words aren’t that important. You can pray a prayer something like this:
Jesus, I want to know you personally. I know that I am a sinner and that nothing I could do can make up for that. Thank you for dying in my place and paying the price for my sin. I know that my sin doesn’t separate me from God anymore. Thank you for forgiving me. I know that you love me and that I will spend eternity with you. I want you to be my Savior. Come into my life and take control, make me the person you want me to be.
God invites us into relationship with him. He’s not here to condemn, although our sin makes us guilty. God is inviting us back, ready to welcome us home.
20 Responses to “Learning to Love the Girl in the Mirror”
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Very good story. Thank you for sharing it. You have been through a lot of the kind of things I am going through. I accepted Christ long ago…but feel like I am falling away from it…Because I am falling apart… :-( Thank you for sharing it…I am gonna save this so I can come back to it every now and then. Thank you for allowing me to read it.
Dear Karen,
Please do not ever feel you have to walk this road alone. Please consider connecting with a mentor, who can correspond with you regularly, and pray for you. There is a “Talk to a mentor” link at the top left of this page.
This scripture comes to mind:
For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.
(2 Corinthians 1:8-11 ESV)
God will deliver us, He is faithful, even when we aren’t!!! His grip on us is tighter than our grip on Him! Trust, no matter how dark or broken things look or feel. I will pray earnestly for you, helping you by prayer, to see the great blessing of our Lord in your life.
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
Kate, I was talking to a mentor before and I haven’t heard from them in a while… :( my guess is they are either busy or on vacation or something…but anyways…I’ve felt alone in this for a long time..and I still feel like I am..even whilst in treatments for different things..the people on my treatment teams are not being very helpful..they aren’t agreeing with me on what I think would be best for me or what I think would be good for me–with the severeness of some of the stuff going on.. but anyways–I appreciate that you will be praying for me Kate..very much so..They are much needed..so..Thank you…
Father God, I pray on behalf of your beloved daughter Karen. I pray that you would give wisdom and knowledge to all who are trying to treat her at this time. I ask that if these doctors are not the right ones that You would want treating her that You then open up a door of opportunity for her to receive the best treatment possible for her multiple issues. I pray that You would be the greatest healer and physician in her life. By the wounds of Jesus may she be healed. I ask that You do a miracle in her life and pour blessings of healing into her body, mind and soul. May she come to realize how much You love her and when she is hurting so are You. May You set her free from all that she is struggling with. May she begin to cherish and take good care of the precious body You have given her. May she come to realize that she need not be afraid to eat food…because it is a gift from You that brings nourishment to her body just like Your Word is nourishment to her spirit. Father God, I thank You for all the wonderful things You are going to do in Karen’s life. I praise You because You care so much about those that are hurting and suffering. I thank You for the awesome testimony that Karen will be able to share with so many others because of Your marvelous healing touch in her life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
Karen, do you have some “praise and worship” music to listen to on a daily basis especially when you are feeling real down? There are examples of people in the Bible who were down and God used music to minister to their ailing heart. Also, do you have a pastor or some one from your church that you can call and ask if they could come and pray over you?
Barbara, Thank you for the prayer. It is much appreciated and much needed. I listen to the Christian station here where I live…I usually have it on most the time when in my room unless I am watching a movie. When I am feeling real down, it doesn’t always help. Sometimes it does, but other times it doesn’t. There are pastors at my church and people at my church who are in my life and trying to help me as well and who I could call,but have never had any of them come and pray over me. They pray for me at church if I happen to ask them to. Very often though, I don’t ask them directally for prayer. I put a prayer card in the offering each Sunday when at church.My church has us do that when we have prayer requests that we either want on the prayer sheet or if we just want the staff to see it and pray for us if we don’t go up for prayer during the prayer time at church. Which I usually don’t do..because it makes me feel like everybody is watching me and knows that I am frickin crazy or something or they think I am. So yea..Thank you for the prayers Barbara. Much appreciated.
Dear Karen, it is so good to hear that you listen to the Christian station in your room. During times like this, you need to receive as much as God’s word into your heart, mind and soul. So tuning into that Christian station is a good thing for you to carry on doing. Sometimes it may not seem like it is helping…Satan will have you think that it is of no help…but that is a lie! Anytime we hear and read the Word of God it is a blessing to our spirit and at times God’s Holy Spirit will bring to our remembrance what we heard or read.
Karen are you aware that the Bible says that when we are sick that we are to call the elders of the church? In James 5:14-15 it reads, “Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven. ” Never “feel” embarrassed of going up for prayer or calling and having one or two pastors come over to your home and pray over you. Remember that Jesus said He came for the sick not those that did not need a doctor—He is the greatest physician we could ever have.
When I was struggling real bad with the BDD that was playing havoc in my own life I stumbled a plaque in my churches’ book store that ministered to my heart deeply. I would love to share it with you. It is called “She Touched the Hem of His Garment”
For many years she suffered
For there was no earthly cure
But whispers in the street proclaimed
He Savior tarried near
She had heard about His healing power
The miracles He had done
Changing bodies, hearts and souls
As God’s anointed One
So she pressed through the busy crowds
Unashamed and afraid
He trembling hand reached our to Him
Then at His feet she laid
And as she touched His garment
Virtue filled he soul
And she heard her Savoir
Speak these words…
“They faith hath made thee whole”
Luke 8:48, “And he said to her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.”
Karen I believe that the Lord is going to heal you and set you free from all that is taking place within your body, heart, mind, and soul. He loves you so much and you need to believe…have faith…that He can heal you just as He did the woman in Luke 8:48 mentioned above, many others in the Bible, and many that are living today! He did it for me and I know He will do it for you too!
You keep going up to the alter for prayer, keep dropping your prayer request in the basket, and keep reaching out to God’s people that can minister over you during this season of dimness. His Light is going to break forth soon in your life and you will come out shining brighter than ever before.
Barbara, Thank you. I appreciate it. My faith is shaky though and I am having trouble believing He is even there at all. It doesn’t feel like He is. I never go up for prayer when my church does prayer time. Because I just feel like everyone is staring at me…and I don’t like that feeling. I do put a prayer card in the basket every time I do go to church though.I know staff people are praying for me then..because I always mark it as staff only. I don’t like putting stuff on the prayer sheet itself. So only the staff read my prayer requests and I know they are praying for me. As for being aware of the verse about the elders and being sick..I was aware that that was in the Bible some where. Don’t remember when I had that done last time…It’s been quite a long time since I had the elders do that. I/we, my family never have people come over to our place. Unless they are just dropping off a gift or something. Otherwise we never have others over. But anyways..Things to think about I guess.
Hi Karen, Your faith will become stronger as you follow in obedience to the things that God is saying to you. I guess the opposite is true as well: if you find something like the instructions to call the elders to pray for you but don’t follow it you faith will weaken and break down.
Lord I pray that you would strengthen Karen’s prayer life. Help her to recognize the ways that you are answering her prayers and give her the faith to pray more fervently. Heal her body, mind and heart and allow her life to become a testimony to Your love and power. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
Jamie, thank you for the prayers. I appreciate it. I’m starting to recognize ways He is helping out and such…I know He is working through me somehow…but I certainly don’t feel it or take it into thought–like when my distress levels are in a high state. As it has been for some time now. Struggling quite a bit right now..I was told at my last appts at the ED clinic that I am at a critical point right now in the ED…with trying to start eating regularly again and with the transitions I am going through with groups and stuff and everything changing and because of the way my moods have been in that high level of distress..it all has me at a critical point apparently…trying to get me back to regular eating again.like..solid foods and stuff is proving to be really difficult..not just for me, but for my care teams too…I was also told that they are all still concerned about this too and the fact that I am in a critical place right now with it..according to them…but anyways….That’s about all I have right now…so..again..thank you for the prayers…They are much appreciated and as much needed too.
That is good news Karen that you are recognizing God’s hand in your life. Even though you are not sure exactly what He is doing make sure you thank Him for that growing awareness. Wait in anticipation for how He will open your eyes at the perfect time to see what He is doing.
Thanks God for Your presence in Karen’s life. Continue to bring healing and hope for her today. Amen.
Jamie, Thank you. Thanking Him is a little harder for me to do at times..especially when I don’t recognize it a lot of the time when in those high distress states. Anyways..Thank you for the prayers as well…Still struggling a lot….but it is likely going to happen anyways…considering the things going on..but anyways..thanks..
Hi Karen, I know it can be hard at times to be thankful but it is a matter of choosing to be thankful and trust that His promises are true for you. Promises like, “For we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him and are called to live out His purposes.” (Romans 8:28) “Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:39) “Do not be anxious about anything but in EVERYTHING by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7) Choose to believe that these promises are true for you and thank God for them.
Jamie, those are all really good verses. Thanks for sharing them. I probably needed to hear them. Being thankful and choosing to be thankful are both easier said then done when in high levels of distress…but, you are also absolutely right too. You do have to choose to be thankful but also believe in His promises as well. Especially when in those high states of distress. Those are the times you need to really look for the things you are thankful for and believe in the promises given to you. Easier said then done, but that is the time you need to try to look for those the most. But anyways…I got a lot to say…but don’t know what to say or how to say it. So yea…Have a good evening.
Hi Karen, I know part of my struggle when I am in a downward spiral is that I look at everything with a pessimistic point of view. I miss the good things of life because my thoughts are turned toward the negative. That’s why I pray that God would give me eyes that see the positives of life. I find ways to remind myself to ask for His help to see the positives–I will write notes to myself, set up my computer screen with that message, or wear a bracelet to remind me, etc. Having that kind of constant reminder that I am depending on God’s help to see things from His perspective, I am then prepared when that happens–I see something beautiful or something good happens to me–and am ready to give thanks to Him for it. And when I am giving thanks, I am more likely to see more positives and it can help break that downward spiral. It is not easy and it is not an instant change but when I invite God to change the way I see things, I know He will answer that prayer with a resounding “You Bet!” (or some other appropriately divine equivalent)
Jamie, good points there, in what you wrote. Thanks for sharing them. Some very insightful stuff there. And I appreciate it..so thank you…am just thinking pretty much..lot on my mind…go fig…but anyways…thank you.
Hi Karen,
I hope and pray that you are doing well today! This past Wednesday night while at church participating in worship and “communion” you came to mind. While holding the little piece of wafer and tiny cup of juice God’s Holy Spirit reminded me of how far I have come in my own struggle with “ED” and that you are going to be set free from it as well.
Years ago, when I was in the height of battling with “ED” I did not realize how bad it had become until I was partaking in a Sunday morning communion service at church. As I stood with a little piece of cracker and the tiniest cup of juice the only thing that was running through my mind was how many calories was in those items, and how long it would take to exercise them off so I wouldn’t gain weight. It was at that blessed moment in time God’s Holy Spirit made know to me that I had a serious problem that was controlling my life and destiny. I thanked God for that revelation and at that time began to take steps in dealing with the issues in order to be set free from that bondage.
Karen, I believe that the Lord is going to set you free from the ordeal that you are struggling with now. Do you believe that He, the Lord, can help you overcome these issues? It is through faith that He steps in and helps us in our darkest moments. Here is a link that may be of help and encouragement to you.
http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/anorexia/
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I pray on behalf of Karen today. I ask that You continue to help and heal her from all that she is battling with at this time. Little by little may You set her free so she can live the blessed life that You have for her. I ask that You open her inner prison cell so that she can live and travel onwards on the blessed new path You would have her. Bless her with abundant life so she may fulfill all that You would have her accomplish. I ask that You align her with the best help that You would have her receive in dealing with the multiple issues that are taking place within her. Give her doctors, family, and friends wisdom to know how to help her along this road of healing and recovery. May Your Word begin to speak to her inner soul and spirit like no other time before. Restore that which the enemy has tried to destroy so that Your beloved daughter Karen can live and profess all that You have done on her behalf. I thank You Lord for all that You are about to do in her life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
Barbara, Thanks for the message. I am not doing the greatest–but thank you for asking–am relapsing hard with some things–have had a lot of triggering things happen for me this past week–this past week has been he** for me. Cancelled all my appts this last week that were scheduled–Have had several people come to me with some pretty serious things that have been triggering for me..am not sure what to do about it all–Karen, I believe that the Lord is going to set you free from the ordeal that you are struggling with now. Do you believe that He, the Lord, can help you overcome these issues? It is through faith that He steps in and helps us in our darkest moments. Here is a link that may be of help and encouragement to you.You asked me if I believe the Lord is going to set me free from this ordeal that I am struggling with, you asked me if I believe HE,the Lord, can help me overcome these issues…honestly–right now—I don’t know what to think or believe, I feel like He is not doing anything and I feel like I am so distant from Him right now–In these darkest moments I have been experiencing–I feel like God hasn’t done anything–no matter how much I’ve prayed and asked for Help to get through this stuff. I feel like I am being punished or something like that–and I’m not even sure why…Why do I feel like God HAS given me way more than I can handle right now–When does it end…. :( Anyways–Thank you so much for the prayers Barbara–They are appreciated and really really needed too… I will check out the link you gave me too and then once I look at it and read it some–I’ll let you know what I think. Thank you for the prayers Barbara,,, <3
Struggling with the ED a lot right now. Relapsing hard. No one has posted here for a while–but yea—I am struggling a lot—Some days are not too bad–but then there are days where it is very bad when it comes to the ED…Monday was a bad day—The smell of any kind of food item was making me nauseous all day Monday–so I found it extremely hard to eat anything–so–I ended up not eating anything at all really…Struggling lot with the ED…so yea…
Dear Karen, sorry to hear that you are still struggling with ED and are having a bad day. I understand your inner pain for I had lived with an overwhelming disorder that nearly destroyed me. Trust in the Lord and believe that there is a “Light” at the end of this dark tunnel. Karen, is there a certain thing/issue that triggered the bad day? Knowing my “triggers” helped in my recovery. When you are having manageable days…what types of things are you engaged in? To gain understanding of what allows you to have good days and what brings on the bad ones is a great help.
At this time, I would like to pray for you…
Father God, I lift your beloved daughter, Karen, up to you today in prayer and in faith. I ask that You set her free from the bondage she is batting with at this time. I pray in the mighty name of Jesus that You would heal her from the troublesome eating disorder that has her captive. May she receive freedom from ED so she can live the wonderful life You have for her. Take away her suffering, despair, and bless her with Your Holy Spirit. May all shadows of darkness fade away from her as Your Spirit shines within her…may Karen arise and greet another new day…filled with Your abiding love and peace. Take away her sorrow and fill her with Your joy as she turns to You for help and support. May You comfort and guide Karen along the path that needs to life as she determines within her mind to seek after You with all her heart. Let not the enemy steal from her anymore as You step in and heal her from within. I ask that You place the right people in her life that will encourage and be a wonderful support to her in this great time of need. I believe that nothing is impossible with You, Father God, and Karen will be able to live a full life without Ed. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
Barbara, well, first off, I don’t have manageable days really…not much at all…they are very rare. Lots of things can trigger me—being in DBT group can be triggering it, being around people who insist on eating all the worse foods out there—Smells of foods can be triggering–making me nauseous and more–an event in my life that has come up can trigger it…what triggered it Monday—I think part of it could have been I was soo exhausted from the weekend an from Monday itself as I did a lot—but–if I could smell food, It made me feel really nauseous and sick–I got home Monday night about 5:45 PM and went in my room about 6 to lay down–I was asleep by probably 6:15 or so…woke up on and off quite a bit but didn’t do anything or get up to do anything till 2 AM—then I did what I was going to, and laid back down and went to sleep again and woke up on and off a lot until I got up at 7 AM Tuesday morning. In the past week and a half–there were also at least 4 days where I did not have energy to do anything—including getting on line…but anyways—even the smallest things can trigger me…when it comes to ED…