Through Sadness and Tears
Story told by Cissy, written by XiaoWa
Someone like me may be described as “damaged”. Yet I prefer to call myself, “wounded”. Damages may not be able to be fully restored, but wounds can be healed.
Childhood pains
My father was never an alcoholic but his explosive temper could be compared to one. In the middle of playing with me, he could suddenly get angry and give me a slap on the face or pinch me on the arm or leg. He would pinch so forcefully that I was brimming with tears yet did not dare to cry out.
I remember once at my grandmother’s house, my father locked me up in a damp, cold, filthy and stinking bathroom. At first I wailed and pounded on the door, begging him to let me out. After a while, I began to feel scared and curled myself up in the corner of the bathroom, shaking. As a child, I felt as if the end of the world had come.
Under my father’s constant shouts of anger and beatings, my self-confidence and self-esteem were blown to pieces. Because of his unpredictable temper, I never knew security. He never trusted me so I gradually got into the habit of lying. It didn’t matter whether or not I told the truth. It’s not surprising that when I look at my old photos, I cannot find many with a smile. In my childhood pictures, I always had a slight frown, nervously looking at the world around me.
Longing for love
As I grew older, those wounds in my soul were wrapped up by my satisfactory grades. I immersed myself in modern science and school and tried to forget about them. Problems slowly resurfaced in my life, but back then I did not realize the causes.
Due to severe lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, I lost all sense of proper boundaries and was confusing fantasies with reality. In high school, a friendly eye contact or greeting from a boy would cause me to think he liked me. This often lead me to offer my heart and emotions too early.
When I actually started to get involved in relationships, I subconsciously wanted to obtain doubly from those poor boys the things my father never gave me. I dreamed that in a love relationship, my partner would have to spoil and tolerate me like a father in addition to being my romantic lover and best friend. I thought I would be safe to go anywhere in the world with him, and he would take care of all the problems and difficulties. The higher my expectations rose, the deeper my disappointment grew.
So I kept on looking for perfect love in all the wrong places. My soul was so intensely hungering and thirsting, craving to be loved and accepted. I did not understand that kind of longing can never be satisfied by a man, or anyone. I did not realize that when I could not even love and accept myself, I could never truly love and accept others and receive their love.
True love taught me forgiveness
When I turned 21 I came to the U. S. Six months later, I became a believer in Jesus Christ. Another six months later, I began to understand my faith and seriously follow God. In God, I found the fatherly love which I had been looking for.
Around the same time, God revealed my deepest wounds to me. The painful childhood memories left by my father started to come back to my mind so clearly. Often I cried over them until I was exhausted. Unanswered questions from my childhood echoed in my head: “What have I done wrong that you should treat me like this? I should have been loved and enjoying my innocent childhood!”
When you’re surrounded by God’s love, tears have a healing function. Understanding your wounds is the beginning of healing and recovery. God did not allow me to lick my own wounds and wallow in my past. He wanted me to overcome the invisible wall between my father and myself, to try to understand and to completely forgive. Again and again, like peeling an onion, God wanted me to hand over my pain. Each time it was deeper and more painful than the previous, yet the release I got in return was also greater.
God showed me that my father did love me, although that love also hurt me so much. He helped me understand why in the past I was so obsessed with hearing compliments and praises from my boyfriends and getting little gifts from them. It was because those were things I never got in my childhood. I later realized why God has not yet given me a marriage and I prefer to be single: for if I were still clinging to my painful past, I would unconsciously torture myself and others and definitely would not know how to build a happy marriage.
Seeing my father again
This past February I saw my father again. Age has toned down his temper, and he actually listened to what I had to say. Looking at those gray hairs hanging over his forehead, my heart was filled with compassion. Even though I knew I had been wronged, it no longer affects the love and forgiveness I have for him. My father and I were both the bitter fruit of a race that has strayed far away from God. He was younger than I when he was forced to face the pressures of life during that period in history full of absurdity and ignorance.
He did not experience a good childhood anymore than I did. His many defects and shortcomings were like a mirror that showed me who I used to be years ago. How could I not feel any sympathy for him? How could I hold on to my own pain and refuse to forgive him? The best gift I can offer to him is to pray unceasingly, asking God to help him in his remaining years to realize God’s love and mercy for him. I pray that he would to understand that a truly blessed childhood is realizing that you are a child of God.
I often think, “how would I ever find the strength to truly forgive others and forgive myself without God?” Where would I be without Him? No wonder there’s a big church in California called “Mosaic” (an art that uses pieces of colorful tiles to put together a beautiful picture). Isn’t God a great artist who gently picks up all the broken pieces of our hearts and gradually puts them together into a lovely and unique work of art?
Dear friend, you might have been hurt by someone dear to you, and you are trapped by bitterness and pain. There is a God who cares about you and what you are going through. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer now. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
