Sibling Violence: My Struggle to Stop Hating My Abusive Brother
I hated my brother. He teased and tormented me relentlessly. I was only ten. My hatred buried itself deep within me, like a worm eating holes in my child’s heart.
Maybe it began with typical sibling rivalry – a two-year-old boy dumping his new baby sister out of her bassinet, expressing displeasure over her nervy intrusion. I realize now that he had legitimate emotional concerns of his own. Nevertheless, his unacceptable actions toward me persisted for years. Unchecked, malice crept into his heart like a weasel into a hen house. I became the target of his aggression.
Screaming for justice
My memory categorizes the assaults by residence. The earliest serious injury occurred in my first home, high on a hill overlooking the ocean where the vista called for serenity. When I was four, for reasons I can’t remember, my brother picked up a piece of scrap iron and split open the back of my head. I screamed for justice from my parents. None came.
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When I was eight we moved to the country into a rental property while our new home was being built. The Dutch doors, divided in half across the center, fascinated me. I spent endless hours incorporating those doors into fantasy play – a storefront, a cage at the zoo, sections of door opened and closed at my will. One day my parents left us unattended; my brother burst through those doors. Wielding a mop handle, he delivered a crushing blow, raising a bleeding, purplish egg on my forehead.
“Look what he did!” I bellowed later that afternoon. My mother failed to carry through with effective discipline. My father ignored the incident, as he did all the others. He was an abuser himself. For years, all of us watched him abuse my mother physically and emotionally.
Our new home was not finished, but we moved in anyway. There my brother finished off the back of my left hand with a nut pick, carving it up with raking stabs. “Don’t you tell anyone at school how this really happened,” my mother warned. By now, I was my own defence. I rebelled and, defying her, told the first person who asked. Nothing changed.
My shinbones collected permanent dents from kicks by hard-toed shoes. My developing breasts ached from closed-fisted blows accompanied by sexually disparaging insults. By now, I knew there was no point even mentioning it. Instead, I not only let the sun go down on my anger but I pulled the shades on my emotions. I locked and barricaded the doors.
By our mid-teens, my brother’s abuse waned and then stopped altogether. The story was no longer about my brother, but about me. My placid and good-natured inborn temperament was what most people saw. However, it covered my white-hot rage, converted to an iceberg, lurking below the surface waiting to rip apart some – any – passing ship. It was there in those icy waters that Jesus met me, not with condemnation, but with love.
A change of heart
I needed to revisit Scriptures I had read as a child, but this time I asked Jesus to help me understand them correctly.
Being a perfectionist, I had tried to follow the law. But Jesus did not expect me to be able to stop hating. He only wanted me to recognize my hatred as sin. I was heading down the wrong path, taking matters into my own hands. He wanted me instead to come to him with it. He is the only one who can make the kind of heart change I needed.
Over time, Jesus helped me see that I believed many things that were untrue. I believed I had to earn God’s favour by being good. I believed that no one cared about me and that no one was interested in protecting me. I believed my needs did not matter. I believed I was not worth loving or protecting.
My childish interpretation of God’s Word caused me unnecessary pain. I now understand that if Scripture does not sound like good news, I am probably not grasping it correctly. Were I to revisit my childhood experience with Jesus, our talk might go like this:
“I hate my brother!”
“Yes, I know. I’m glad you could tell Me so.”
“You mean it’s okay?”
“No, it’s not okay, but you’re okay with Me. Tell me your story, pour it all out. I’ll listen.”
And I’d sob away the hurt, the anger, the feelings of helplessness, knowing that He believed me and understood.
“What your brother has done is wrong. Your parents should have stopped him.”
“Sniff…..”
“I’m sorry this happened to you. I love you.”
“Sniff.”
“Yet, you know that your hatred is also wrong. You need to admit it to Me and let it go. I’ve forgiven you. Now it’s your turn to forgive him, or your hatred will eat you up. Forgiveness will take time. When you’re willing, I’ll make it possible. Think about it and we’ll talk again soon.”
Encouraged and strengthened, I’d move back to the neighbourhood of my hatred to face what was true about me, to confess it and be forgiven, and let it go. This is what the love and forgiveness of Christ makes possible: to face ourselves at our ugliest, never for a moment losing the assurance of God’s love and forgiveness.
I confronted my brother many years later. To his credit, he acknowledged his wrongs and expressed genuine remorse over the pain his actions caused me. By then I had already uncovered and let go of most of my painful feelings. It was good to hear his confession, but he might have chosen to withhold it. I would have needed to forgive him anyway.
Today my brother doesn’t mistreat me in any way. We are friends and enjoy a playful relationship. Yet there are still times I need to stand up for myself with him. He is often intrusive, pushing beyond reasonable boundaries. I must verbalize my stand: No, you may not do that; no I will not allow that; back off; give me some space. It’s not good for him, for our relationship, or for me to allow behavior that generates fresh anger in me.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Henri Nouwen wrote, “Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour – unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.”
It’s easy to find fault in others. It’s even easier when they have committed a clear sin. It’s much harder to forgive and then to honestly assess – and correct – faults in ourselves. Fortunately, we have a Savior who helps us do just that.
So glad you are finally out, kudos to you for getting that scholarship and now you never have to go back! But beware, take caution with who you befriend of the male persuasion, you must learn to protect yourself and you must learn to see the abusers coming at you because they will. I am glad you are getting help and by all means continue with therapy, i think you mentioned you are getting help, if you cannot afford it, the school usually has a mental health clinic on campus, if not get referrals.
I landed on this website because I finally broke down. I realized that my parents should have protected me against my brother’s abuse. They thought of it as normal and they let him hit me, kick me, choke me, bite me. This started when he was five, it ended not even a year ago. Why? Because I moved away to college on a scholarship I earned that would have only made it possible. The major reason I left home was to be away from violence, so much physical and emotional abuse. I learned I was was worth nothing. So now he lives with his glorious blood stained hands, spoiled, and good for nothing. And I have to live with nightmares, painful flashbacks, chronic depression and anxiety. I am currently receiving professional help but I really needed to hear someone say that what he has been doing is not right. That my parents should have protected me and love me. I shouldn’t have been neglected like that. I wasn’t really aware that God loved me through all this. Sure, maybe He didn’t make my brother change but I thank Him that despite the years of so much needless pain, He didn’t let me kill myself, which I was so close to doing so many times, and instead for some reason that time will only tell, instilled in me a love for education that led to a scholarship out of state that allowed me to escape the scariest place of my life,”home.” He knew I deserved better but i don’t know why it had to be so painful and so long to get here.
Right now I cannot fathom forgiving my brother. He still has so much anger towards me and is still very rude and lazy. But what upsets me even more is that I don’t understand how my parents never realized that he hurt me so much.
evolve,
I was so sorry to read your story – what horrible journey you’ve walked. I do not know why your sisters would tell you that you don’t deserve children, but whatever their reasons are THEY ARE WRONG. You deserve all the good things life has to offer including happiness and children. If you ask me you deserve them MORE because you have already suffered so much. It sounds like they are still being quite abusive toward you and forcing you to do what they ask. Are you able to put some distance between you and them? It sounds like a very unhealthy place for you to be. If you are able to get away I think you’d find that the space from them would give you some room to heal (in addition to not being told what to do). You are a grown woman, no one should be telling you what to do. You have to obey the law, you have to pay your taxes. You have to show up to work if you want to get paid, but beyond that the choices should be yours.
I heard a speaker once talking about God’s forgiveness and how his forgiveness has two parts. The Bible has these big long words for it – propitiation and expiation – and basically what it means is that when we’re forgiven by God, he washes away both the bad things we’ve done and the bad things that have been done TO us. Expiation means that even though our hearts are still broken, they are no longer dirty. No matter what we have been subjected to, God will clean it up if we ask him to. It means that no matter what we can come to God and he will make us clean and whole, loved and lovely. This part of forgiveness is like reconstructive surgery for the soul. It takes the scars away. I don’t know if you know God, but if want to get to know him you can read more about how to do that here.
Have you been able to go to a counsellor? You’ve been through a lot, you must be an incredibly strong person to have survived it. But working through it, trying to put yourself back together is going to take a lot of work and having the support of someone who is on your side can be an enormous help. If you’d like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available all the time. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back from them by email, usually within a couple of days.
You asked where to go – go to God, go to a counsellor and go somewhere where your sisters can’t hurt you any more. It takes a lot of bravery to tell your story out loud, and you’ve done that. When you’re ready to take the next step I know you’ll be able to do that too. Just remember that you don’t have to do that alone.
Hi All,
I read these stories and shared comments and thank you all.
These stories are not easy to share, however browsing the topic
and coming across this site-is my blessing.
I was constantly sexually abused at the age of 6 by my fathers
uncle.
At the age of 11 again, by my fathers step brother. I hate my
childhood memories. My brother and sisters blamed me for been
sexually abused. In 2000 we met our half brother, he sexually
abused me and violently beat me if I didn’t do what he asked
(I was 24yrs old-29yr)
I had no life other than work. He would pick me up from work etc,
He was known by my peers as my partner. This was our secret.
In 2003, I was expecting his baby, I had an abortion. My world
is never the same.
I kept coming home bruised and beaten-One night I couldn’t hide
my pain, I told my mother and then my sisters.
My mother was disappointed in me for telling my sisters
-now I know why.
In July 2011, after my mother passed on-he has moved out since
2005? My sisters will remind me why I don’t deserve children,
a life and happiness. They would constantly shout out so loud
about my past I would do as they ask.
Where does one go?
Thank you for writing this article. I wept as I read it, it could have been my story. As a child I didn’t know why my brother beat me, stole from me, trashed my things, bullied me and encouraged others to do so. I also didn’t know why I wasn’t protected from it by my parents or why it was allowed to go on for so long. Getting away from the abuse became my one goal in life and at 19 when I left home I felt utter joy at finally being free. My brother is now in his late 30s, still lives with my parents, is still abusive and now abuses alcohol. When I confronted him about the way he treated me when we were children, he told me it was my fault, because I “was fat” and that when I was young I was cute and then I started to grow up and put on weight I wasn’t as cute anymore. From a Christian stand point I feel in my spirit that the things my (non-Christian) brother says to me are absolutely from the enemy. I am sad that my parents still expect me to put up with his behavior and to ‘be nice’ to him, as it hurts them that we’re not friends. But honestly if an older male had bullied their child relentlessly throughout her life, is it reasonable to then expect her to be his friend when he neither acknowledges nor apologizes for his abuse? That aside, I know I need to forgive my brother and let go of the immense pain and anger I feel towards him for his past behavior and the sadness I feel at the fact that he hasn’t changed and that I was robbed of a healthy sibling relationship. The hardest part about forgiving and letting go is the knowledge that he is still abusive. I don’t live thousands of miles away from my family by accident. I don’t ever see us having an amiable relationship and I don’t think I really want one, the damage is done, I can’t ever imagine trusting him or wanting to be around him. What I want more than anything is to let him and the pain he caused and can still cause go, while absolutely wanting the best for him and wishing him well. Without Jesus I can’t do any of this. Again thank you so much for writing this article it came at just the right time for me, bless you for writing it.
Kathy
I am sorry to hear this horrible thing happening to you. You should stop this by all means. Tell everybody you know about it. Report your family to the police, the church, the school authorities anywhere possible to stop this menace. This cannot, should not, and will not be allowed to go on period. God bless you in Jesus name, Amen.
kevin I hope you have written in for a mentor and are being encouraged one on one since you haven’t posted anymore here. Please know that we are here and do care about you.
I just want to pray for anyone who has just read this article. I want to go and give you a big hug from Jesus. His arms are much bigger than mine can fit right now. I do not know about siblings since I was raised alone, but I sitll feel your hurt. I am also a mentor here in Power to change and would love to pray for you out there who read this article. In Jesus Mightyname amen
Hi Kev,
I just read again what you wrote. I will pray also for your mom, as she probably does not know what to do especially with her husband gone so much of the time. She needs to be both parents to you which is too much for her. I suggest that you look for a devotional booklet to guide you in daily Bible readings. It would be great if you ask your mother to help you initiate daily Bible readings in the family. It is amazing what God’s word can do! Even if not for the family, I encourage you to read on your own, pour out your heart to God, and He will give you both wizdom and strength, and then even joy! Blessings, Alfred.
Hi Kev,
I, Alfred, am a mentor for Powertochange. I am very glad that you found this article, and that you took the courage to write in. I’d say “Keep on working out, for it is great to be physically fit and be able to defend yourself; however, please do not seek revenge!” Think of the love that Jesus asks us radiate. You were not shown love or justice, but Jesus is waiting to help you pass on the love that comes from Him. As one person put it….”I was heading down the wrong path, taking matters into my own hands. He (Jesus) wanted me instead to come to him with it. HE is the only one who can make the kind of heart change I needed.”
Jesus says, “You know that your hatred is also wrong. You need to admit it to Me and let it go. I’ve forgiven you. Now it’s your turn to forgive him, or your hatred will eat you up. Forgiveness will take time. When you’re willing, I’ll make it possible. Think about it and we’ll talk again soon.”
How does that sound? Let me know how God is working in your heart, for He is the only one that can make things right. We were never created to go it alone! The Bible says we are created in God’s image, which means we are Siritual beings (in physical bodies) and are on earth to prepare for eternity (hopefuly in Heaven). Let me know what you think about that. Ready to listen, Alfred.
Hi kev,
I am sorry to hear about your situation at home. How difficult it must be to live in fear. Here at Power to Change, we have mentors who want to talk to you and listen. I have let them know about your situation and you should be contacted by one of them soon. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that you will find freedom.
hello,am a 15 year old boy. you might think im normal, but if you took a look at my home life you would think nothing but the opposit. My dad who was the reason i would put up with life had to work 4000 km away . thats when he became violent.. In the summer was the most serious when my brohter (2 years older ) punched me in the face multiple times. He broke my nose and gave me a concusion. Ever sense then at least once a week he beats me up and i fear everyday that i am going to have to deffend myself against a 17 year old. my mom does nothing and i frequently debate suicide. im scared for my future! this has drivin me to work out 5 days a week in hopes of me being able to one day be able to put him in place, but untill then :(
If you parents are not protecting you I suggest you find someone like a school counselor who you can tell. This is no way to grow up and of course you can grow to hate your brother. Just because he is your brother does not mean you cannot have these healthy feelings of hate towards him. He is your abuser and you parents are adding to the abuse by not stopping this horrible behavior. I hope that you can find and adult you can trust and ask for help out of this situation. This is a case of domestic violence and that is against the law and very unfortunate that your parents are allowing this to go on.
My brother, a year younger was constantly trying to sexually abuse me and I told my mother and she did nothing. He is finally in jail for molesting his own granddaughters and there is no way of knowing how many others he has abused. My mother could have done something when we were children and maybe stopped this horrific person from destroying lives but she didn’t. When parents do not protect their own children, they are not worthy of having children is my opinion. I do hope you can find some safety soon and stop this horrible abuse. He needs to be stopped before he grows up to be a violent adult.
I’m so glad for this post. It gives me hope. My brother is younger than me, and used to not beat me up until recently (this past year). It’s awful. I have deep bone contusions, I broke my hand (and when we went to the hospital my parents lied about what happened and ordered me to lie about what happened too), and I’ve had countless bruises. He sees this abuse as “disciplining” me, but he is the one that needs discipline. He feels this entiltlement over me, calling me names and leaving things messy so I have to clean it up. And the worst thing? My parents make me do everything for him. So I am forced to wait on him hand and foot. The worst was when my parents watched him beat me up, and told me it’s my fault for getting n the situation. I wasn’t aware that his violence was somehow influenced by me walking by. I didn’t think I had anyone on my side, but because of this post I’ve learned I’ve got Jesus. Thanks for introducing us. I really appreciate it.
I am 15 and have a abusive brother two yrs older than me. I’ve been constantly punched and kicked, leaving bruises and marks on my body. He would call ne horrible names such as little piece of shit, and bitch and hit me as hard as hr could like he was in a boxing match. I’ve always told my parents this but either they tell me to let it go or ignore it, stand up for myself or the punishment doesn’t teach him anything. He’s able to hit me continuosly whenever he wants to and is able to get away with it thinking that it’s ok to do it. I’ve cried my self to sleep so many times I just don’t know what to do. As much as I hate what he does and that horible side of him, I love my brother. Whenever I fight back, trying to defend myself trying to prove that it’s bot ok, that I’m not ok with it I only get beaten up harder. I understand that sometimes an older brother picks on his younger sister but not like this. He hits me so hard it’s like I don’t even know my own brother. He is so spoild greedy and gets whatever he wants, and then somehow manages to ruin it which mean that I will never een et the chance to get it because of what HE DID. My parents don’t understand that we aren’t the same people. That theirs a chance that I won’t do the same thing as him. I believe my Brother is outa’ve control. He has not only fought physically with my father such as punching him, but also broken a bone on my mothers body. I do not believe that they understand the seriousness of this situation. I’ve ran out of ideas of what to do. I just want this all to stop. My brother is crushing my family. He is the root of all our fights, arguments. I’m not sure if I should confide this in a friend becase at the same time I’m not sure of I can say this about my own brother. How can i tell them that they physically abuse my parents? What will they think…?
please help me! What should I do? Please leave comments, thanks