Comments on: Sibling Violence: My Struggle to Stop Hating My Abusive Brother

By: des

des — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:10:47 +0000

So glad you are finally out, kudos to you for getting that scholarship and now you never have to go back! But beware, take caution with who you befriend of the male persuasion, you must learn to protect yourself and you must learn to see the abusers coming at you because they will. I am glad you are getting help and by all means continue with therapy, i think you mentioned you are getting help, if you cannot afford it, the school usually has a mental health clinic on campus, if not get referrals.

By: Carol

Carol — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 01:53:40 +0000

I landed on this website because I finally broke down. I realized that my parents should have protected me against my brother’s abuse. They thought of it as normal and they let him hit me, kick me, choke me, bite me. This started when he was five, it ended not even a year ago. Why? Because I moved away to college on a scholarship I earned that would have only made it possible. The major reason I left home was to be away from violence, so much physical and emotional abuse. I learned I was was worth nothing. So now he lives with his glorious blood stained hands, spoiled, and good for nothing. And I have to live with nightmares, painful flashbacks, chronic depression and anxiety. I am currently receiving professional help but I really needed to hear someone say that what he has been doing is not right. That my parents should have protected me and love me. I shouldn’t have been neglected like that. I wasn’t really aware that God loved me through all this. Sure, maybe He didn’t make my brother change but I thank Him that despite the years of so much needless pain, He didn’t let me kill myself, which I was so close to doing so many times, and instead for some reason that time will only tell, instilled in me a love for education that led to a scholarship out of state that allowed me to escape the scariest place of my life,”home.” He knew I deserved better but i don’t know why it had to be so painful and so long to get here.
Right now I cannot fathom forgiving my brother. He still has so much anger towards me and is still very rude and lazy. But what upsets me even more is that I don’t understand how my parents never realized that he hurt me so much.

By: Claire Colvin

Mon, 18 Jul 2011 16:58:51 +0000

evolve,

I was so sorry to read your story – what horrible journey you’ve walked. I do not know why your sisters would tell you that you don’t deserve children, but whatever their reasons are THEY ARE WRONG. You deserve all the good things life has to offer including happiness and children. If you ask me you deserve them MORE because you have already suffered so much. It sounds like they are still being quite abusive toward you and forcing you to do what they ask. Are you able to put some distance between you and them? It sounds like a very unhealthy place for you to be. If you are able to get away I think you’d find that the space from them would give you some room to heal (in addition to not being told what to do). You are a grown woman, no one should be telling you what to do. You have to obey the law, you have to pay your taxes. You have to show up to work if you want to get paid, but beyond that the choices should be yours.

I heard a speaker once talking about God’s forgiveness and how his forgiveness has two parts. The Bible has these big long words for it – propitiation and expiation – and basically what it means is that when we’re forgiven by God, he washes away both the bad things we’ve done and the bad things that have been done TO us. Expiation means that even though our hearts are still broken, they are no longer dirty. No matter what we have been subjected to, God will clean it up if we ask him to. It means that no matter what we can come to God and he will make us clean and whole, loved and lovely. This part of forgiveness is like reconstructive surgery for the soul. It takes the scars away. I don’t know if you know God, but if want to get to know him you can read more about how to do that here.

Have you been able to go to a counsellor? You’ve been through a lot, you must be an incredibly strong person to have survived it. But working through it, trying to put yourself back together is going to take a lot of work and having the support of someone who is on your side can be an enormous help. If you’d like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available all the time. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back from them by email, usually within a couple of days.

You asked where to go – go to God, go to a counsellor and go somewhere where your sisters can’t hurt you any more. It takes a lot of bravery to tell your story out loud, and you’ve done that. When you’re ready to take the next step I know you’ll be able to do that too. Just remember that you don’t have to do that alone.

By: evolve

evolve — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 13:06:23 +0000

Hi All,
I read these stories and shared comments and thank you all.
These stories are not easy to share, however browsing the topic
and coming across this site-is my blessing.
I was constantly sexually abused at the age of 6 by my fathers
uncle.
At the age of 11 again, by my fathers step brother. I hate my
childhood memories. My brother and sisters blamed me for been
sexually abused. In 2000 we met our half brother, he sexually
abused me and violently beat me if I didn’t do what he asked
(I was 24yrs old-29yr)
I had no life other than work. He would pick me up from work etc,
He was known by my peers as my partner. This was our secret.
In 2003, I was expecting his baby, I had an abortion. My world
is never the same.
I kept coming home bruised and beaten-One night I couldn’t hide
my pain, I told my mother and then my sisters.
My mother was disappointed in me for telling my sisters
-now I know why.
In July 2011, after my mother passed on-he has moved out since
2005? My sisters will remind me why I don’t deserve children,
a life and happiness. They would constantly shout out so loud
about my past I would do as they ask.
Where does one go?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 10:06:01 +0000

Thank you for writing this article. I wept as I read it, it could have been my story. As a child I didn’t know why my brother beat me, stole from me, trashed my things, bullied me and encouraged others to do so. I also didn’t know why I wasn’t protected from it by my parents or why it was allowed to go on for so long. Getting away from the abuse became my one goal in life and at 19 when I left home I felt utter joy at finally being free. My brother is now in his late 30s, still lives with my parents, is still abusive and now abuses alcohol. When I confronted him about the way he treated me when we were children, he told me it was my fault, because I “was fat” and that when I was young I was cute and then I started to grow up and put on weight I wasn’t as cute anymore. From a Christian stand point I feel in my spirit that the things my (non-Christian) brother says to me are absolutely from the enemy. I am sad that my parents still expect me to put up with his behavior and to ‘be nice’ to him, as it hurts them that we’re not friends. But honestly if an older male had bullied their child relentlessly throughout her life, is it reasonable to then expect her to be his friend when he neither acknowledges nor apologizes for his abuse? That aside, I know I need to forgive my brother and let go of the immense pain and anger I feel towards him for his past behavior and the sadness I feel at the fact that he hasn’t changed and that I was robbed of a healthy sibling relationship. The hardest part about forgiving and letting go is the knowledge that he is still abusive. I don’t live thousands of miles away from my family by accident. I don’t ever see us having an amiable relationship and I don’t think I really want one, the damage is done, I can’t ever imagine trusting him or wanting to be around him. What I want more than anything is to let him and the pain he caused and can still cause go, while absolutely wanting the best for him and wishing him well. Without Jesus I can’t do any of this. Again thank you so much for writing this article it came at just the right time for me, bless you for writing it.

By: Emma

Emma — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 17:09:00 +0000

Kathy
I am sorry to hear this horrible thing happening to you. You should stop this by all means. Tell everybody you know about it. Report your family to the police, the church, the school authorities anywhere possible to stop this menace. This cannot, should not, and will not be allowed to go on period. God bless you in Jesus name, Amen.

By: Doris

Mon, 30 May 2011 16:25:09 +0000

kevin I hope you have written in for a mentor and are being encouraged one on one since you haven’t posted anymore here. Please know that we are here and do care about you.

By: Shelley

Shelley — Sat, 28 May 2011 21:54:01 +0000

I just want to pray for anyone who has just read this article. I want to go and give you a big hug from Jesus. His arms are much bigger than mine can fit right now. I do not know about siblings since I was raised alone, but I sitll feel your hurt. I am also a mentor here in Power to change and would love to pray for you out there who read this article. In Jesus Mightyname amen

By: Alfred

Alfred — Mon, 16 May 2011 23:12:35 +0000

Hi Kev,
I just read again what you wrote. I will pray also for your mom, as she probably does not know what to do especially with her husband gone so much of the time. She needs to be both parents to you which is too much for her. I suggest that you look for a devotional booklet to guide you in daily Bible readings. It would be great if you ask your mother to help you initiate daily Bible readings in the family. It is amazing what God’s word can do! Even if not for the family, I encourage you to read on your own, pour out your heart to God, and He will give you both wizdom and strength, and then even joy! Blessings, Alfred.

By: Alfred

Alfred — Mon, 16 May 2011 22:58:34 +0000

Hi Kev,
I, Alfred, am a mentor for Powertochange. I am very glad that you found this article, and that you took the courage to write in. I’d say “Keep on working out, for it is great to be physically fit and be able to defend yourself; however, please do not seek revenge!” Think of the love that Jesus asks us radiate. You were not shown love or justice, but Jesus is waiting to help you pass on the love that comes from Him. As one person put it….”I was heading down the wrong path, taking matters into my own hands. He (Jesus) wanted me instead to come to him with it. HE is the only one who can make the kind of heart change I needed.”
Jesus says, “You know that your hatred is also wrong. You need to admit it to Me and let it go. I’ve forgiven you. Now it’s your turn to forgive him, or your hatred will eat you up. Forgiveness will take time. When you’re willing, I’ll make it possible. Think about it and we’ll talk again soon.”
How does that sound? Let me know how God is working in your heart, for He is the only one that can make things right. We were never created to go it alone! The Bible says we are created in God’s image, which means we are Siritual beings (in physical bodies) and are on earth to prepare for eternity (hopefuly in Heaven). Let me know what you think about that. Ready to listen, Alfred.