No one could ever love me. I was an accident, an inconvenience. I could never be good enough.
My mother did not plan to have me. She was not married. I was conceived when she was fifteen years old. Only four months before I was born, she and my dad got married.
My parents always seemed to be fighting and I thought that it was my fault. I felt rejection growing up, from my friends as well as from knowing that I was an unwanted pregnancy. Because of this I felt that no one would ever love me for who I was. I was very insecure.
I began to build a brick wall around my heart to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. I tried to perform, to be what I thought others wanted me to be, and found my self-worth in what I could accomplish. But I was unable to live up to the standards that I had set for myself and this caused me to feel like a failure. It turned into a vicious cycle of discontent. I was never happy with who I was.
When I met the man who was to be my husband, I had a hard time understanding what he saw in me. I didn’t believe for one moment that he actually loved me. I honestly thought that once we were married he might figure out that he didn’t get such a good deal after all. My only security in our marriage was that he did not believe in divorce.
But I had a special friend who cared enough about me to challenge me. She would always encourage me and help me. She invited me to Bible studies and talked to me about God’s love.
At first I was uncomfortable when she would bring up the subject of God, but the more I heard the more I became aware of what was missing in my life–unconditional love and acceptance. One Christmas she gave me a book that explained how to have a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ. It explained that I could have that love that I was looking for if I asked Jesus to come into my life.
Two weeks later, I knelt in my kitchen as a young mother and prayed to ask Jesus to be my Saviour. I told him that I believed that He was the Son of God and that I wanted to be a member of His family. I accepted His forgiveness for my past and I asked Him to help me to follow Him and live in such a way that would please Him.
When I discovered that it was God who had created me, and that I was not an accident, I finally understood that I was truly loved. Psalm 139:13-18 describes how God made all the delicate parts of my body, how He knit me together in my mother’s womb, and how He watched as I was being formed in utter seclusion.
I was not alone and unwanted, because He planned the circumstances surrounding my conception and birth. He was there!
Knowing this gave me purpose to go on. I knew that I had found Someone who would never reject me. Slowly but surely the wall around my heart has come down, brick by brick. It didn’t come crashing down as soon as I began my relationship with Christ. It took many years to build up and it has taken time for me to allow God’s healing to dismantle it. I am no longer motivated by the need to please others in order to be accepted and I do not find my self-worth in what I do, but in who I am in God’s eyes.
If I ever feel down about myself, I just look to God’s Word, the Bible, and read about how He sees me. God’s love for me is unconditional.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.