Reflections on Becoming a Mother Other languages 中文

Written by Jinghao Wei, Translated by Eugene Wu

Last spring my husband and I decided to have a family. I resigned from my job and we moved to a small town. I went by the book: taking my temperature every morning, keeping a chart, counting days. On TV and in the movies women become pregnant so easily.  I had no idea how difficult it would be for me.

Waiting to become pregnant

Because of the stress of moving into a new house my body got out of balance. I thought about going back to work and prayed about it, but I felt that God really didn’t want me to do that.  Three or four months went by and nothing happened. The excitement and expectation I once had about becoming a mother were turning into doubt and despair. Did I really have to wait at home like this? What was the value of this doing-nothing-at home life style?

God led me to search within myself and helped me discover that the source of my despair was how I defined “value.”  I had thought that “value” in life was to be measured by “doing something decent or respectable,” like making money, earning a degree, or giving birth to children.  I thought waiting at home to become a mother carried no “value” in itself. The truth is that my true value should be measured by God’s standard and nothing else. I realized that it was God’s will that I should wait and rest at home, and that waiting patiently for His will to be done was doing the work God wanted me to do. That was my life’s value. I regained my peace of mind, and after six months I became pregnant.

Nine wonderful months

The first time I went for the ultrasound exam, I saw my baby on the screen.  He was just a tiny bright dot, but surprisingly gave out the sound of heart beat. I thought of a verse in the Bible, Psalm 139:14 that says: “I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows that right well.”

Little by little the precious little thing grew. At first it felt like a butterfly gently fluttering its wings and then it was like someone doing martial arts exercise.  I couldn’t do anything but lie on the sofa watching my tummy heave up and down like the waves in the ocean. I drank four glasses of milk everyday, took walks, and went to bed early because my body no longer belonged to just me. Amid sweet expectation and indescribable anxiety I read books on pregnancy and child rearing, and when I went to the department stores I would check out every shelf in the Infant Department. It dawned on me that there were so many new things I must learn, and still more lying ahead of me.

During those days whenever I thought about my baby a rather strange feeling would come over me. We were such strangers to each other, I had never seen him, or talked with him.  I knew nothing about his personality or temperament. Yet our relationship was so intimate; we were closer to each other than any other two persons alive.  We shared the same body and his every breath and every move were totally dependent upon me. God entrusted him to me with the expectation that I would help him grow up to become an independent person.

After nine months he would be separated from my body and become an independent entity. From then on he would keep on growing, from a baby to a young child, and eventually to be an adult, and then to get married and have his own family. My mission was to lead him from his very young days to ways that would please God, and to acknowledge the fact that he was an independent person from childhood and not some property that belonged to my husband and me. How difficult that was to a couple who had grown up in China!  We could very easily spoil him and make him into a little emperor or a pet in our mind. Because of this I prayed to God to give me wisdom and strength and let me learn how to bring up this child according to His will.

Time to give birth

My pregnancy was uneventful, as I was not among the high risk groups. Even so, I became more and more anxious as the birthing date drew near. In spite of the fact that I had read many books and looked at videos of births, whenever I thought about my moment on the delivery bed, I was scared.  Even college entrance exams have mock tests, but this time I would not have any rehearsals.

Everyone was telling me “You have nothing to worry about”, “many others have come through the experience without any problems”, “medical technology is so advanced”, “you are in such good health.” But such encouragement did not give me any comfort because I felt that the experience of others does not necessarily apply to me. When the time came I would still be alone. No one except God could help me then or give me any true comfort.

My delivery went without any complications, even though there was a moment when I was so exhausted that I cried and was about to give up. Then the Lord gave me strength and enabled me to have a natural birth. The moment when the doctor placed the baby by my side and a little pair of black eyes looked up at me, I had to hold back my tears.  I thanked God for allowing me to lean on Him to get through this crucial experience in my life.

It’s not easy to be a Mother

Being a new mother I was surprised to find that I really had no deep love for my baby right away. When I took care of him, it was mostly out of a sense of duty. Outside of joy and excitement there was pressure and panic. It was entirely different from what I had imaged before the baby came. I remember the first time when the nurse wheeled the baby back to the infant room after I had fed him. I wished that they would never bring him back again because I really didn’t know how to deal with it.

During the first few weeks the baby cried a lot, even while I was holding him. When he cried I was very nervous because I did not know how to comfort him. Sometimes I became so scared that I would put him down on the bed and just stare at him from a distance.  This behavior of mine bothered me, especially during the first month. Caught between exhaustion and shame, I didn’t feel like a mother at all.

However, things changed for the better. The baby is now four months old, and seeing him grow more lively and healthy by the day, my heart is filled with joy to overflowing. God, through the baby, has given me and my husband happiness, and with joy and thankful hearts we readily await the pleasant little surprises everyday brings.

Dear friends, maybe you are losing control in your life, feeling helpless, hopeless, or insecure. You can have that peace directly coming from God, by you appreciating and realizing what God has planned for you.  Every single one of us can build that intimate relationship with God. Through the salvation made possible by Jesus Christ, you can experience God’s wonderful grace that will care for and guide you for a lifetime.

The God of Peace is only one prayer away. If you want the confident expectation of His strength and wisdom in your today and His help and hope for your tomorrow, you need only ask. Just tell Him…

Dear God,
I have gone my own way in life and have put my hope in so many things that have disappointed me. Forgive me and come into my life today. Show me how to live in the confident expectation of how You can impact my life, my character and my circumstances. I place my hope in You right now and ask You to make Yourself known to me in my life right where I walk. I thank you. Amen.

“May the God of Peace fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” The Bible: Romans 15:13

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