My use of porn is ruining my marriage

pornaddictionOver the last two years there were a couple of incidents where I sought out pornography. Although this hasn’t happened too much, I believe it is more than mere curiosity. This has completely shattered my marriage in terms of trust and honesty, and I’m having a real hard time answering my wife’s question: why? If I cannot figure this thing out, I will definitely lose my beautiful wife and my loving family forever. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. My wife and I recently separated and are attempting to work things out. Our communication has never been better and I feel closer to her than I have in the six years I’ve known her. We are trying to take things slow. I want to be a great father and husband and I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

Advice: I was where you are right now, and I am still only one click of the mouse away from returning to the pool of filth, just like a person who is an alcoholic is only one drink away from falling into that state of drunkenness.

You are NOT weird. You are believing lies that you are the only one that has this problem and you are lower than low in the eyes of God. This is not true. There are literally tens of thousands of men, and yes, women too, that fall into this trap. Everyone, from pastors to teachers to you and I, fall prey to this horrible addiction. And it must be big because the porn industry is a multi-billion dollar internet industry. What does that tell you?

Related: Read Jeff’s story about his struggle with porn.

You have to understand that there is a scientific aspect to this addiction as well. The brain gives off a very powerful substance when aroused by these images, producing a high, that for many addicts, is the driving force behind their dependency on porn. I know it was for me. I needed that “feeling” of being high. It was exciting! It was wonderful. It was my own little world of self-satisfaction.

Do you know Christ? Are you a believer? I ask these very personal questions because the strength to overcome this battle is leaning on the strength of Christ to help you. At least it was for me. I tried and tried again and again to stop. I made vows to myself, my wife, my pastor and God that I would stop. But my flesh cried out for more and I would return to the filth once again only to be beaten down by the guilt and shame. It was a frustrating cycle.

It wasn’t easy. You need to come to the place of complete surrender. You need to get support that knows the anguish you are feeling. There are a couple of online courses that helped me very much. One is called, Setting Captives Free. This is a 60-day course that takes you through to a way of escape. The other is called Covenant Eyes. This is an accountability site that monitors every key stroke that you make on your computer and sends a report to a person who has agreed to keep you honest.

If you really want to get away from this, another way is to get rid of your computer until you are free from this affliction. Yup, that’s right. Pull the plug. It is called “radical amputation”. You then can use the computers in a library or other “public” places to do your online course. Stay away from those things and places that tempt you. Even things as subtle as the grocery checkout lines and all the magazines on the rack can cause your mind to wander back into that place of “needing” that porn fix.

I lied, deceived, and made excuses for my actions as you are doing. Fortunately, my wife, when I confessed it to her, forgave me and offered her support. If your wife could understand what you are going through, and if you depend on her for support, that would be half the battle. It sounds like she is willing to help and talk it out. Don’t despair. Don’t give up! I know you feel like you are in a deep pit and can’t climb out and you are sinking deeper and deeper. I know you are not viewing this filth daily, at least that is what you have stated, but it is a harsh master and if you do not get rid of the desire to keep looking, you will become a slave to it.

If you are willing to do whatever it takes, and I know you said that, then you can overcome this habit and set yourself free.

Sincerely,
A MenTodayOnline mentor

Take the next step:
Do you need someone to talk to about your struggle with porn?
Why Can’t I Look at Porn?
Is Porn Destructive to a Marriage?

EmailPrint

55 Responses to “My use of porn is ruining my marriage”

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Anon, yours is a very difficult and painful situation and it is challenging to know exactly how to go forward but please know that people are in prayer about this. God knows the power of sexual sin to destroy us physically and spiritually. It has devastated countless lives and destroyed marriages so God wants to help you but your husband has to be willing.

    Yes, your husband has failed you and hurt you and if you have not, you should prayerfully and gently confront him and be open about how he is making you feel. Ask him to candidly talk about what motivates him and his satisfaction with your sexual relations. Just ask and wait as he does owe you a full, honest explanation so let him do the talking. He already knows he is guilty so that is not the point: we are looking for restoration.

    There is a very helpful website that can be found at http://christiananswers.net/love/home.html On that website, you will find a very helpful book titled “Every Heart Restored”, for women who have become casualties in the fight for sexual purity. It offers Godly guidance and wisdom for anyone facing personal betrayal and addresses the questions and real-life issues that you face.

    Anon, during the challenging times ahead, prayer is a key success factor so we pray: “Abba, Father, You created marriage for us to enjoy the special bond that can grow between a committed husband and wife and we thank You for that gift. Anon and her husband desperately need Your help to make theirs a more God-honoring marriage. We specifically ask that You be with them in candid and honest conversation and bring about forgiveness and reconciliation and restored trust, loyalty and purity. We ask that Your Spirit draw them closer to You and thus closer to each other so that they come to more truly know, appreciate and selflessly love one another spiritually, emotionally and physically. And Father, please lead Anon and her husband other ways they can grow deeper in love and in healthy service to You and one another. We ask this in the precious name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”

  • BeenThereToo says:

    Anon, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I wish I could say that those thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and doubting your attractiveness will go away, but after 9 years of marriage, I still feel the sting of his porn use, even when I think we’re doing well. The only thing I can say that has helped me move in a more positive direction is reminding myself that my worth and my beauty is not determined by another person – not even my husband. When his porn use was making me feel as worthless as it was, there were two separate issues going on. His porn use was one, and my self-esteem was another. You may not be able to control his porn addiction, or his past actions, but you can work on building your own self worth and lessen your reliance on him as your source of affirmation. There’s a quote that helped me, “When you know your worth, nobody can make you feel worthless.” You are an amazing, beautiful child of God, who is worth every breath you breathe. I am sorry if that wasn’t helpful – I empathize. I truly, truly do. I pray that you find the guidance and support that you need to get through this.

  • Chris says:

    anon….sorry to hear of your struggles….man is weak by nature. though he may be physically strong, we see how even in the bible, the strongest of men like samson was brought to his knees. with porn being on every hand, only a true spiritual and godly man who takes the necessary steps to cut off sins inroads into his life, will be able to remain pure in his marriage. you can start by leading the way with your faith, conviction and authority in christ through his words. you see a woman with God in her life, knows how to live in victory despite her husbands frailties. she can be strong through Gods promises in her life and lead her husband into being strong in christ also. if you would like more information on having that kind of a relationship with your heavenly father, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. some practical steps to help your husband would be using k9webprotection.com to block the porn. that would be the first and easiest step he should take to show good faith towards you his wife. praying now that jesus gives you the victory in your life and husbands. blessings to you both!

  • Anon says:

    How do you, as a spouse, overcome the feelings of inadequacy when your partner’s addiction flares? I can’t cope and have been very emotional for the past few days, feeling like I’m extremely unattractive and worthless. . . .I can’t talk to anyone but I feel so helpless and alone. I would really like to just disappear.

  • Freddy condor says:

    Well my situation is a little different. I loved sex with my wife. We didn’t have much of it but she didn’t have a problem with me watching porn. When my wife and I got married she took on a lot of roles. Wife,mother, full time job, loved being the center of her company events, business owner, She went back to school taking online courses and she started her very own non profit organization. All within the first year of our marriage. Also my daughter ended up coming 3 months premature. A week before the wedding day. So we were newly weds and new parents. Because of my daughters state my wife spent most of her time at the hospital for 3 months. I didn’t mind that we wasn’t having sex at that point but afterwards is where it became a problem.

    Before I married my wife she said things like “when we get married you can have sex whenever and wherever. So that’s what I believed but I was in for a rude awakening. My wife was always too tired or busy for sex. After my daughter got out of the hospital she went to her Grandma which my wife started staying there. So our first 5 to 6 months of marriage was pretty sexless. Then my wife started school which she would come home after work around 7pm or later and start her assignments. Which I quickly began to hate cause she spent all night doing homework and assignments.

    This is where porn really started coming in. I would ask my wife for sex and she would say wait or tell me to stay up with her and she would give me sex when she finishes. Now i work a very physical railroad job and when I get off I would have to care for my daughter until she falls asleep there was no way I could stay up past midnight having to be at work for 6:30am. I would just fall asleep and repeat. It got to the point that I would beg her for sex. Then the answer became go jack off to videos. I always wondered why should I have to when I have you but I started watching more and more porn. Still I was trying to get sex from my wife but her school work came first. So I continued watching the devil productions. Going to sleep without my wife next to me and awakening with her next to me. I would get aroused and wake her up and ask her for sex. Only to hear no. I told her many times how tired I was of watching porn. It was to a point where I would have to sneak pictures of her naked while she was getting dressed or getting out the shower. Depressing and sick right?

    Porn websites are like YouTube after you click around for so long you end up on something no where near what you were looking at. I went from watching normal porn to sleeping women porn. Where the husband or bf would initiate sex while the woman was sleep. I kept watching that which led me to believe that women loved that and so did men. I began to fantasize about that because in all of the videos the woman would wake up during it and like it so I began fantasizing about that. I began trying that with my wife while she was sleeping. She would wake up when I would start but I thought “she’ll never know how it feels till she try” I got yelled at so many times but kept trying. The more I got rejected the more videos i would watch would led to deeper feelings that this is okay. It desensitized me to her feelings. I kept trying and the problem grew bigger. I became depressed within the third quarter of marriage. Depression led to anger and resentment. My first year of marriage consisted of about 7 or 8 sex encounters. I began texting other women but never let it get past that I was too scared of diseases. Especially since I wanted my wife but I also feared that I wasn’t a good sex partner. Begging for sex sucks cause after I would get it I would go into deep thought like “I had to beg for something that should be given freely in marriage” “what’s wrong with me” “She’s seeing someone else” which all led to a man full of depression and anger. I can remember laying in bed while she was at work or in the front doing assignments texting her asking and begging for sex.

    Where are we now? Separated. My anger and depression led to a lot more problems in the household. I became a madman. What to do now? I haven’t watched porn in a month. I see what it’s done to me. I feel very sick with myself. WOMEN DONT LET YOUR HUSBAND WATCH PORN. MEN DONT WATCH PORN. Same goes for letting women watch it. Especially if you don’t have a great sex life. Porn can rewire a person who is unhappy with their sex life very quickly.

Leave a Reply