My use of porn is ruining my marriage

pornaddictionOver the last two years there were a couple of incidents where I sought out pornography. Although this hasn’t happened too much, I believe it is more than mere curiosity. This has completely shattered my marriage in terms of trust and honesty, and I’m having a real hard time answering my wife’s question: why? If I cannot figure this thing out, I will definitely lose my beautiful wife and my loving family forever. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. My wife and I recently separated and are attempting to work things out. Our communication has never been better and I feel closer to her than I have in the six years I’ve known her. We are trying to take things slow. I want to be a great father and husband and I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

Advice: I was where you are right now, and I am still only one click of the mouse away from returning to the pool of filth, just like a person who is an alcoholic is only one drink away from falling into that state of drunkenness.

You are NOT weird. You are believing lies that you are the only one that has this problem and you are lower than low in the eyes of God. This is not true. There are literally tens of thousands of men, and yes, women too, that fall into this trap. Everyone, from pastors to teachers to you and I, fall prey to this horrible addiction. And it must be big because the porn industry is a multi-billion dollar internet industry. What does that tell you?

You have to understand that there is a scientific aspect to this addiction as well. The brain gives off a very powerful substance when aroused by these images, producing a high, that for many addicts, is the driving force behind their dependency on porn. I know it was for me. I needed that “feeling” of being high. It was exciting! It was wonderful. It was my own little world of self-satisfaction.

Do you know Christ? Are you a believer? I ask these very personal questions because the strength to overcome this battle is leaning on the strength of Christ to help you. At least it was for me. I tried and tried again and again to stop. I made vows to myself, my wife, my pastor and God that I would stop. But my flesh cried out for more and I would return to the filth once again only to be beaten down by the guilt and shame. It was a frustrating cycle.

It wasn’t easy. You need to come to the place of complete surrender. You need to get support that knows the anguish you are feeling. There are a couple of online courses that helped me very much. One is called, Setting Captives Free. This is a 60-day course that takes you through to a way of escape. The other is called Covenant Eyes. This is an accountability site that monitors every key stroke that you make on your computer and sends a report to a person who has agreed to keep you honest.

If you really want to get away from this, another way is to get rid of your computer until you are free from this affliction. Yup, that’s right. Pull the plug. It is called “radical amputation”. You then can use the computers in a library or other “public” places to do your online course. Stay away from those things and places that tempt you. Even things as subtle as the grocery checkout lines and all the magazines on the rack can cause your mind to wander back into that place of “needing” that porn fix.

I lied, deceived, and made excuses for my actions as you are doing. Fortunately, my wife, when I confessed it to her, forgave me and offered her support. If your wife could understand what you are going through, and if you depend on her for support, that would be half the battle. It sounds like she is willing to help and talk it out. Don’t despair. Don’t give up! I know you feel like you are in a deep pit and can’t climb out and you are sinking deeper and deeper. I know you are not viewing this filth daily, at least that is what you have stated, but it is a harsh master and if you do not get rid of the desire to keep looking, you will become a slave to it.

If you are willing to do whatever it takes, and I know you said that, then you can overcome this habit and set yourself free.

Sincerely,
A MenTodayOnline mentor

Take the next step:
Do you need someone to talk to about your struggle with porn?
Why Can’t I Look at Porn?
Is Porn Destructive to a Marriage?

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38 Responses to “My use of porn is ruining my marriage”

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Chris, I fully agree with you.

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    catriona…you are a good soldier of jesus christ. as they say, you cant keep a good man or woman down! blessings!!

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Catriona, it is good to hear that you are going back to church, and have already made some friends there. Also, it is great to hear that you have forgiven that church leader for his hurtful words. That is a BIG step in your healing process.

    May God continue to lead and guide you as you endeavor to live for Him, and serve Him, in Jesus Name. Amen.

  • Catriona says:

    I’m not sure where Marie’s original post is – but – I would like to comment here that I have really struggled attending church in this last 2 years since my separation and understand completely. I limped along for my children for a while, and each week felt like I’ve sat with a ‘danger single separated woman’ red light flashing above my head. Over the time where my husbands pornography use had become uncovered once again, a church elder who I respected and trusted laid some very wrong and condemning words at me.

    Significant time has passed and due to moving towns as a result of our separation I no longer attend that church (though still count many there as good friends). Last Sunday my youngest daughter and I went to a smaller local church for the first time. I still feel like I’ve got that light flashing above my head – but when I walked in, I was found by a couple of friendly faces who welcomed me warmly and invited me to sit with them next week.

    Sitting invisibly on your own in a new church row can be a lonely nerve wracking place. But if we’re sitting there on high alert as a result of previous hurt then we’re the ones that are out of line, because we’re judging others before they’ve even had time to earn our trust. I was SO stressed about going, a church should be a place where you walk in and people smile, where you feel that it’s a little bit of ‘coming home.’ I’ve been involved and served in many churches over the years and sometimes we don’t do that very well. We come along with all our own issues and yes, church leaders can get it wrong too. I want to forgive my previous church leader for his hurtful words. He would actually not know how deep they cut. As tough as it is, I need to get up and keep walking. For me, keeping walking is getting back to church. So off I will wobble to church this Sunday again and I’m sure many reasons will crop up to try stop me. Be encouraged Marie – things won’t always be as they are today.

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    Marie…if jesus said he would be where two or more are gathered, then even though our minds say no, our hearts should say yes. blessings!

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Marie, I also love you as a sister in Christ. I am not responding to this in an argumentative format, but simply from what I know of the Word of God, and from my experience as a pastor.

    I have heard it said many times, “I do not have to go to church to worship God. I can worship Him at home, or anyplace.”

    True, but when Sunday comes around, do those same people take the time “to worship God?” Do they worship Him as He should be worshipped at home, at Little League, at the Golf Course, at the park, or merely staying at home and watching TV, or playing video games?

    I doubt it. Most of the people who say that are just using it as an excuse.

    The Bible tells us in Hebrews 10:25 “not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together…” for a couple of good reasons.

    One, that they may hear the anointed preaching of the man God has put in the position of pastor. Too many of the people we are talking about confuse “position” with “personality.” Because something has happened between them and the pastor or leadership, they leave the place were God has called them to be; hence, they miss out on the anointed Word. In church we discover opportunities to serve and be served. Therefore, we learn to apply what is taught out of God’s word and then we learn to extend it to others outside the church.

    You mentioned Marie, that unless you walk in the shoes of being badly betrayed and hurt by so called leaders of God it is going to be very hard for me to comprehend. I have been there! But, God spoke to my heart to remain where we (my family and I) were, and that if we did and prayed, that He would eventually take care of the problem. We did, and He did.

    Another reason is, as I mentioned in my first blog, we all need the ministry of the gifts which the Lord has given to each one of us. Ephesians 4:7,12 “But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Therefore He says: ‘When He ascended on high, He led captivity captive, and gave gifts to men…’ for the equipping of the saints for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ.” To receive that type of ministry, we need to be where those gifts are present and operating.

    Also, in church we share in the successes and failures of others and learn how the Lord has worked in the lives of other people. In this we are encouraged.

    I pray, Marie, that you would give your hurts to the Lord (“cast all your cares upon Me”), and get back to church where the Lord wants to use you in ministering to His people.

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    catriona…we pray jesus continue to lead you in his path of healing and restoration and give you the joy of his salvation each and every day. blessings!

  • Catriona says:

    Aldo thank you. There has been nothing left to do but pray for many years. I have received hope from a particular vision based in Isaiah 52. I do not know what that looks like for myself and my children in the future, but I know there is hope, and I do believe that God can and will restore what has been stolen. I am slowly walking, checking every step I take with my wise god fearing friends.
    I can honestly say I struggle to love the man I married 22 years ago. I would assist him if he was hurt and I have contact with him because of the children. I no longer suffer the agonizing stomach cramps that came when he was due to return from work, I don’t run a cold sweat when I hear the neighbors garage door go up anymore.
    Healing is a slow process – but God is gracious and gentle. I have sought counselling for myself and recently our youngest daughter who has alot of sadness. It is comforting to know others know – and sad at the same time.
    Thank you for your prayers.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Catriona, I know that stating that you are not alone in this world of women “abandoned” by their husbands to pornography, will not make it any the less hurtful, but I sympathize with you and your children, and others who are going through the same thing.

    The fact remains, that before a person can be delivered from an addiction, he must be willing and asking for it. In other words, seeking after it. There are numerous helps out there for such a person, but he/she must desire it.

    The best thing that you can do is pray, and get as many other God fearing people as you can to join you in prayer. That is, your pastor, your church’s prayer group, also, Radio and TV write-in programs which will pray for you. The bottom line is to storm heaven with prayers on behalf of your husband. God will hear and answer, and you and your children can receive back a husband and father who the Lord ordained for you to have from the beginning. Let’s pray:

    Heavenly Father, You know the situation which Catriona and her children are in. And although it seems to late at this time to do anything about it, Lord, You can restore that which the enemy has stolen. Touch Catriona’s husband with Your Spirit, and bring him to a place of despising that which he is addicted to, in Jesus Name. Amen.

  • Catriona says:

    There are many broken hearts represented here. I pray for hope for each of you, whichever side you stand on.
    My husbands pornography use has destroyed our marriage. The bottom line is that this is an addiction. The addict needs to become completely and utterly convinced that life is better without, than with. They won’t be out of it until they hate it. As others have said – there are filters and checks and support people – but a physical solution is never a permanent solution to an emotional problem.
    I had been married just one year when I discovered my husbands pornography use. Just after our 20th wedding anniversary he moved to the sleep out. We have been separated now for 2 years, our 3 beautiful 18,16 & 11yr old children live with me and I am deeply saddened that it has come to this. This is but a brief touchdown in a huge story. I have learnt alot, I have wonderful friends who’ve bought me waterproof mascara and many coffees. It’s been rubbish … many dark days … but my painful experience has already given me a chance to walk alongside others who are hurting and this is such a privilege.
    As for my husband – he has had wonderful people walk with him, but he has determined to go his own way. He has moved 30kms out of our New Zealand town into the country to a private home with high-speed unfiltered internet and has little to no contact with his previous church connections and support people. He continues to work in his travelling sales role and stays away in Motels regularly. All your research will tell you this is not the way to beat an addiction.
    I have the hugest respect for the man who can stand upright in this increasingly sex soaked world. If you want help – find it. The cost is too high to not.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Hopeless, I agree about the destructiveness of pornography in relationships.

    I have been helping a friend of mine with his addiction to porn. He has a hard time understanding why it is so hurtful to his wife. He has created in his mind that it is different looking and fantasizing about women in pictures than it is to have similar thoughts about ‘real women’. It is taking some time to help him realize that the images he looks at, even though they are airbrushed like crazy, are still real women. It seems that in order to silence his guilty conscience his mind has created a justification that has become very real to him. But the more that we talk with his wife and help her communicate how disrespected and unattractive she feels because of his fantasies he is coming to terms with the ugliness of what he is doing.

    I can imagine how hard it would be for you to talk about the hurt that you feel with him, but I think that is a big part of helping him change the justifications in his mind. Be creative in the analogies you use and ways that you try to describe your feelings. I know you feel like he has already heard your hurt but I would guess that he has not yet grasped the dark extent of how his choices impact you. It may be helpful to work with a counsellor or some other mediator who can help keep the communication level at a useful level rather than having the extreme emotions hijack what really needs to be said.

    I don’t know what your experience has been but the only truly lasting change in a person’s heart that i have seen has come as a result of Jesus Christ changing a person from the inside out. The Bible says that, “If anyone is in Christ he/she is a new creation; the old has gone and behold everything is made new.” (2Corinthians 5:17) That is not to say that followers of Jesus never make mistakes but the motivation for living and loving well is completely different and Jesus helps direct our steps as long as we are listening to Him.

    With that in mind, I would like to pray for you and your husband: Dear Jesus, I ask that You help heal this marriage. Open up this husband’s eyes to the devastating reality of his wife’s hurt. Help her to communicate effectively how she is impacted by his choices. Bring people into their lives who can help them work through this rift and find out about Your transforming power. Amen.

    So Hopeless, is there someone that you feel like you and your husband can talk to about mediating through this issue?

  • Hopeless says:

    Before our marriage, I discovered my husband’s use of pornography. It was one of the hardest things our relationship has ever gone through, and I thought we came out stronger on the other side. I was assured he wasn’t looking at porn anymore, and I feel like such an idiot 9 years later figuring out that it never stopped. It’s worse this time, because he was doing after knowing how deeply it hurt me. I’m struggling with feeling any bit of hope in this situation. I’m so hurt and angry right now, and I just need to know that in the delusional world where this stops for good and I become the sole provider of his needs…will this pain ever go away? How long will it take for me to stop crying myself to sleep every night, or feel sad and angry every time I look him, or feel so incredibly alone and worthless? It’s hard for me to stop thinking things like, “Even if he stops looking at pornography, his desire to view it will never go away. He will always wish he had more than just me.” It’s so difficult for me to deal with.

    I tried to talk with a friend about my marriage difficulties, and she was “relieved” he wasn’t “actually cheating”, and that it was “just pornography”. I know it’s different, but the pain is still so incredible, it certainly feels like he cheated. It’s a joke that conservatives think homosexual marriage is what’s going to be the destruction of marriage. I think it’s already been destroyed by the porn industry.

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Saveme,

    Really, I don’t mind less-than-perfect grammar. This is a place for broken people, so that’s the last thing I care about. From reading your comment, it seems to me that you’ve gone through some terrible pain. While your husband does seem to love you, he has been unfaithful and this has broken the trust between you. I believe that God wants to heal you and your marriage, but often, that takes time, and working through the past in a safe setting. Have you and your husband been able to see a counselor together or separately? That can really help when there’s so much pain and emotions which make it hard to communicate with one another and feel hopeful. Counseling has really helped my wife and me. I would also encourage you to connect with one of our online mentors for encouragement and support: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ Since it can be a big struggle, we also have a really good article on forgiving your spouse that you may want to read: http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/spouseforgive/ Take care, Saveme.

  • SaveMe says:

    Sorry for my poor english…

  • SaveMe says:

    I want to trust my husband again..like the first time..
    But I dont know how? )';
    My husband always told me how can you love me
    if you dont trust me..if you dont believe in me..
    It kills me inside..bcoz he doesnt know anything about my pain..
    I know hes hurting to..and i am sorry for giving him hard times..pain and loneliness..

    God knows how hard i tried to forget what he did to me..
    I cant even remember how many times i begged GOD to take
    this pain away…
    Im broken..weak..damaged..lost

    After i had found out my husband cheated on me..
    My 6months old baby boy died inside of me..

    I want to feel numb..
    I want to be strong..
    I dont want this feeling anymore..

    I cant blame my husband..hes good person..he has a big heart..
    Hes always there for me..he understands me when nobody else can..
    And he didnt leave my side no matter how many times i hurt him..

    Maybe i made him sad, lonely and unhappy..
    Thats why he did that to me..

    I Love My Husband so much!!And I always will!!He is my great LOVE!!
    I want to make him happy…
    But i how can i suppose to give him happiness if Im broken..
    if Im lost..if Im not happy..

    I pray to GOD that one day..all this pain is gone..i pray for forgiveness..i pray for healing..i pray for happiness..make me whole again…

    ~T__T

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Kim,
    You are so right, pornography is definitely NOT a life necessity!! In fact, it is a horrible addiction that ruins lives, marriages and families. Thanks for taking the time to visit and to leave a comment to encourage Tracy and other women like her!

  • Kim says:

    Tracy, I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing. My marriage ended because of porn. He felt that I had the problem for not liking it. It is so devastating after all that I had done. With putting him through school and really giving him everything he wanted. Except for porn. I just don’t like it for so many reasons. And he left me. It is so sad to think that porn is that powerful for someone to give up all that they have for it. I am still struggling with the loss and this whole concept 2 years after the divorce. I just don’t understand it. And I find so many men who feel the same way my ex did. I hope your pain is relieved. I find that I feel that I can only be myself without a man who uses porn. I realized how much it affected his view of me. He was critical of my looks, expecting me to do things from porn and look like porn. I felt like he didn’t love me for me. He was only trying to act the porn out with me instead of coming up together with ways to be intimate that were exciting and different. It should have been something that we do together. I hate this so much. I feel horrible that this loss is due to a selfish want. Pornography is not a life necessity.

  • Tracy says:

    I am going to divorce my husband over this. It’s me or them and I’m not sharing anymore. He says he thinks I’m beautiful and smart. Yeah right. If he thought that, why would he be more interested in other women than his wife? I cry myself to sleep at night. I see it as adultery. He blames me saying “if I would just give him what he wants”. It’s not my fault. I have lost faith in God… I hate my husband and I never wanted this. I loved him, was faithful to him, cooked for him, cleaned for him and if I’m honest with myself, my husband never loved me. No man that loves a woman would choose another over his wife. I don’t buy that it’s an addiction. It’s a disgusting vile want from an overgrown worthless pig.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Dead Inside, I am so sorry that you are living with so much pain. I cannot imagine the heartache this has caused you and the heavy burden you have carried. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and when it isn’t it can be incredibly hurtful. It sounds like you have really tried to get your husband to stop using porn but he doesn’t seem to see that it’s an issue. Have you ever had a chance to see a counsellor yourself? You’re carrying a lot and a counsellor could help you sort through the powerful emotions that are involved in this situation and also give you some tools and strategies to approach your husband.

    There’s a group called Family Life that deals with all sorts of marriage issues. They have a whole page of resources here that includes a section on issues with porn.

  • Dead inside says:

    I have been married 25 years and my husband has been looking at porn since before we were married. when I saw it in his closet before we married, he told me he didn’t need it anymore because he had me now. I have heard all the excuses and been made all the promises but it continues. As a Christian I continue to forgive and try and move on but each time I discover he is doing it again it takes me back further than the time before. Now, sadly I am empty ,dead and numb inside. I am getting hard hearted and callus to him. I have tried to keep my love going but I don’t believe or trust him anymore. I am wore down and feel their is no hope and the lies and cover ups of porn will it always be there. He takes very little effort to stop because he feels he either wants it or needs it.
    I feel now letting him continue to look at porn because I won’t have to have sex with him anymore. Guess in the long run he wins! he has a woman that loves him and is a good wife and is committed to him therefore he takes advantage of that fact. Real love takes time and sacrifice but porn is easy. This was not God’s plan for me. I am suppose to be loved and the only one forsaking all others. guess those vows we spoke only meant something to me. I give up! I am done.
    I see no end.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Frank, I have got good news for you: God can help you even if you are an atheist! That reminds me of a line from Alexander Dumas’s book, “The Count of Monte Cristo”; one of the characters in the book said, “I don’t believe in God.” and the response was, “It doesn’t matter; He believes in you.”

    You are right Frank, I know people who have overcome some very difficult addictions without God in their life at all. But having God is more than just a bonus; you see the promise of God is that He not only helps you conquer the weak areas of life but He washes away the mess you have made from your past choices. You can stop getting off on porn but how do you are still weighed down by the fact that it has controlled you for so many years. Jesus invitation to you is, “Come to me all of you who are weary weighed down and I will give you rest.” He is not only promising freedom for today but freedom from all of your past. That’s a pretty good bonus, don’t you think?!

  • mona says:

    for any woman who is heat broken over their husbands porn addiction, i understand. having gone thru it myself i know the pain and sadness in knowing your husband is watching other women in a sexual way. Just please know it is not your fault. When i was in that situation the Father revealed to me it was an issue between my husband and God. i had to let go. there was nothing i could do but pray for him. please guard your heart & mind from the devil trying to use his porn addiction to also destroy you by making you feel insecure or making you constantly check after him to where you have no peace of mind. because the truth is we can not control other people no matter how much you check after him ultimately if he wants to watch porn he will find a way and all you will do is drive yourself insane with worry. please trust me, it is best to just let go and pray for him, and our Father will guide your steps. Porn addiction is not about sex, like anything that has power over us, its about salvation. until we submit to God anything in this world can become a god over us.

  • frank says:

    I’m 46 and am addicted to porn too. But, I recently have opened up to me wife and have been completely honest with her. I do porn for many reasons…relieve stress, anxiety, for the high, and to be honest, I really enjoy watching it. But, I realize it’s not healthy for me or my marriage. My question is, the turning to the bible and God is all nice, but what if you’re an atheist or agnostic??? I think ultimately being honest with yourself, your wife, family, friends etc and putting the hard work through counseling, support groups, etc. that you can and will conquer your addiction. I guess if you have God on your side, that’s a bonus! Good luck to all an myself in this difficult but necessary journey!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Recognizing the problem is a great place to start Julio. What sorts of things have you tried to break the control porn has on your mind and heart?

  • julio says:

    addicted to porn and ruining my life and my relationship

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    It is a terribly complicated position isn’t it Liz. On one hand you want to forgive and help your husband to heal but at what point is your forgiveness enabling him to continue on with his captivity? There are no easy answers but from your statement, “I am praying and trying” let me encourage you on the former. I am convinced that God has a plan for you in this marriage. I know that because He has said, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) He has also said, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10) And the wonderful words of Jesus, “I am the Good Shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father…My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;” (John 10:14-15,27)

    Your Good Shepherd has a path for you to walk and He will clearly direct you in those steps. Your job is not to try and figure out what that path is but only to focus your attention on the Good Shepherd’s direction and follow where He leads. He will speak to you through your reading of the Bible; He will speak to you through your time in prayer alone with Him; He will speak to you as you interact with Him all day long, looking to Him for direction in all your activities and contacts with people; He will speak to you through your conversations with other believers; His voice is speaking to you always. Your job is to listen and obey.

    I have found this pattern an incredibly restful way to live. I know what I need to do; there is no more uncertainty or confusion. I focus my efforts on hearing the Good Shepherd speak to me. The more I get familiar with His voice the more I realize my life is full of Him speaking to me. If I ask for direction but don’t get any clarity on what that is, I wait; He will let me know what to do exactly at the right time. When I do act I have the confidence that no matter what the outcome, He was directing me so I don’t get caught up in second guessing or feeling guilty for making a situation worse. Sometimes He directs me to say hard things to people and they don’t respond well to the critique; but if I was following His direction rather than my own agenda I trust that He knows what is best and He will make that happen in His perfect timing.

    It’s like a good football player–always listen to the coach and do what he says. The coach is getting information from all over and he has a specific game plan that he thinks will lead the team to victory. If every player has their own game plan the team will crumble into chaos. But when every player is focused on following the game plan of the coach with each carrying out the role they have been given amazing things start to happen. The great thing about our Coach is that His game plan is perfect. We don’t have to figure out our own game plan but just focus our efforts on hearing from the coach and carrying out His direction. You know the victory is guaranteed.

    Lord God, I thank You that You are our Good Shepherd. I pray that Liz becomes more and more skilled at hearing Your voice and that Your Spirit would empower her to follow where You lead. She is at the end of her rope in this marriage and she needs to know what You want her to do to help her husband be set free from slavery to pornography and sexual infidelity. Speak clearly to her; bring godly counsel into her life and give her the confidence that she is walking in Your path that You planned long ago for her to walk in. And heal her husband. Restore this marriage to become a union that You intend and nurture their love so that they both thrive and experience the fullness of life that You have promised. Guard their child/children from the hurt of broken marriage and the destructive choices of their father. I pray all of this in the powerful name of Jesus, amen.

  • Liz says:

    My heart goes out to all of you. My husband has been held captive to this since before we married. I told him my dark secrets, but he withheld this from me. He knew how I felt about it and strip clubs because if he was in to that, I would not have married him. I knew I couldn’t live with it. I found it soon after we were married and I was pregnant. This has plagued my whole marriage. I was lied to from the start. But I keep giving another chance because he is a good man, except for that. Now 15 years later, it’s still here and I am done. He has one last chance to seek help, not battle it on his own. If help isn’t sought, then I can’t stay. He needs a program to help him and we need counseling to rebuild our marriage. I am repulsed by him and wonder if he is with me or the other women. Once again I have to forgive and support. I am praying and trying, but I can’t take the rollercoaster anymore. I want him to heal. I don’t want another man.

  • Leah Leah says:

    Dear RJ,

    I hear your pain, it must be so hard. I don’t know if this means divorce, but if you would like someone to talk to about this problem we offer free and confidential mentoring. You would be matched with a mentor that has gone through what you are experiencing and will be able to give you wisdom to walk this journey. Just click the link if you want a mentor: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Sincerely,

    Leah

  • rj says:

    I feel i am in the same position as some of you. I dont feel that my husband is addicted per say…or maybe…i dont know…my issue is why??? i do feel it has impacted our sex life…more importantly is impacting me….i feel worthless and when i mention it he always says its my fault for snooping. my biggest frustration is that he feels like he is doing nothing wrong and that i should just stay out of his things. He always pushes me away when i try to be affectionate? so what im seeing here is that this wont change???? does this mean divorce?

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    I understand the frustration of having a spouse that is disengaged and only has a one track mind of sitting in front of a computer to see what images he can look that will fill the void that is there. There are no easy answers to build up trust once the trust is lost and if they have not stopped then pray and ask Christ to reveal to you what you should do and if you should continue the relationship. I would never advocate divorce as this is my own personal feeling on the issue of a partner who is seeking self satisfaction by looking at porn and refuses to quit. The Biblical you have the right to leave buy only after ever other avenue is explored. In my view there cheating involved with other woman as the images via webcam and internet are real human beings on the other end. I would never ever recommend divorce as having gone through it myself it is a very unpleasant gut wrenching experience however having survived an abusive relationship where cheating did occur I am free as a result. Christ wants all of us to be free through his holy spirit.

    It may require tough love on your part as if you allow the use of porn to continue they will think they can get away with it. The hurt or problem has to be faced and if you sit back and hope change will occur as long as he is in love with his computer more than you nothing changes. If you pray earnestly about the situation and ask Christ through the holy spirit to show what you should do then he will reveal it to you. You will never change anyone only the holy spirit can and it is by his guidance that you will be able to know what to do. Many people say I don’t know what to do in this situation however the answer is in the Bible in John 8: 32 Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. Ask Christ to show you the truth and he will do so.

    If the trust has been broken and you feel strongly that you can’t trust then daily pray and read the scriptures with him and ask directly if there has been porn involved. Give it to God as you as a person can not handle the stress as you will go crazy and become worn out. Satan wants to destroy a marriage and all marriages can be saved through Christ. I understand that trust has to be rebuilt however if there is no spiritual change for both spouses it is impossible. A person addicted to porn has three choices to rid themselves of this.
    1. Ask Christ to forgive
    2. Seek an accountable partner via mentor online with truth media
    3. To continue the relationship they must attend sex addiction counseling which can be occur in a number of ways. Either physically attending to see a psychologist who is a christian on a one to one basis. Or contact a Church like Saddleback that lists a spiritual group that deals with addiction.

    Pray earnestly and seek Chirsts guidance through the holy spirit that is the most important thing and wait for his answer.

    God Bless

  • Cheri says:

    This emotional roller coaster is tearing me apart. I have prayed and tried to turn this over to God, but I can’t trust him. He says he is not viewing porn any longer, but I still don’t believe him. I read the comments on here where people say they will go back to it. He treats me better than he did before I discovered his use of porn, but if he/we are having a bad day and not feeling intimate I always think of the porn. It’s not only the porn, it’s the websites I discovered where he was seeking “discreet” relationships when he was working out of town. He keeps saying when will I let it go and tries to assure me nothing is going on. I can’t afford counseling, so that is not an option. I am not suicidal, but some days I just wish I no longer existed. I am so tired.

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    In a Christians life there is always a weakness that the devil preys on and for many men it is porn. Their is freedom from this addictions as the majority of people who turn to there sinful habit is because they are trying to rid themselves of a deep hurt that is inside of them. The only problem is that it is like jumping into a river with a swift current and unless you can reach out and grab a tree branch to stop you from drowning a person will drown. The answer is very simple but oh so difficult it is submitting to the holy spirit and each time a lustful thought enters the mind say “holy spirit put a positive thought in my mind and he does this”

    There is a show on history channel where people with dogs that are problem call a dog trainer and usually within a few hours he has the dog behaving. One of the techniques that he uses that i have seen is when he is taking a male dog for a walk and a female dog walks by the male dog wants to chase the female! He will either give the dog a quick tap with his hand or he will pull back on the leash to snap him out of the instinct at that moment. Asking the holy spirit to change your thought is very similar as the thought will be replaced with something else. Even Paul had issues with sin however he gave us a guideline how to beat it.

    Romans 7: He describes the problem

    14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

    18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[d] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

    21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

    Romans 8: He defines the solution

    1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[b] from the power of sin that leads to death. 3 The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature.[c] So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4 He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

    5 Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7 For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8 That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.

    9 But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) 10 And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life[d] because you have been made right with God. 11 The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

    12 Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. 13 For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,[f] you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children[g] of God.

    15 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.[h] Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”[i] 16 For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. 17 And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.

    Follow Romans 8 and the habit will begin to stop.

    God Bless

  • Nola says:

    Forgot to say. I can not talk about this with my friends or family it’s just to embarrassing, so I was seeking support online and I am so glad that I found it here!
    You are doing a wonderful thing by answering and giving your opinion and facts on this! Hopefully it will help many people and couples in trouble!

  • Nola says:

    Yes, you are right! There is nothing impossible with God!
    I am just so frustrated that I completely gave up. I thought that in order for someone to get help or to be helped they need to be involved and want the help in the first place. It is hard to do when the person doesn’t even want to admit that they have a problem/addiction.
    I have talked with my husband finely last night and through emails (it seems easier for us to communicate through letters) and he seems more calm this time. He said that he had prayed for help and strength. It made me so happy. I have not been happy like that in a very long time! In the same time I am afraid that it’s just another attempt that will end up a failure. I know I should not think that and stay positive and pray! I’ll try! :0)

    Thank you, this article, site in general and your comments are really a big help and support to me! I’ve sent to my husband this article and I hope he read it.
    Thanks again!

  • Bernard Bernard says:

    Hello all men and women out there that have connection with porn. I am a former porn addict. My wife prayed for me and never criticized me or put me down. One day God spoke to my heart and said…”Jesus died for that too…” and that was almost the end of it. Almost because I still was struggling with desires. Other than that I am more the other way now…I walk away from it very quickly. I hate because it has hurt me so much because I am now taking drugs for depression and I have a hard time handling stress which I believe are the consequences of porn. Porn may look fun for a while but it has the bite of a snake. Don’t be fooled by its looks. God bless you! Decide from now on that you will pray for your husband and let God do the work. Have faith!

  • lookingup halbcust says:

    This is a modern day plague, it affects so many. My heart goes out to you. But to say that there is only hope for a few, I just can’t help but think that makes this struggle bigger than God. There can be victory, just look at ths site and watch Nate Larkins’ story. http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/#sex-addiction

    There should be a high degree of victory amoung Christians because scriptures give us instructions on how to deal with someone who struggles with any sin.
    (Mat. 18:15-22) I wonder how many Christians who struggle with this have had their peers deal with them using this method. Could it be that this is why so few overcome? I really wonder.

  • Nola says:

    I have been dealing with the same thing. My husband is addicted to porn. He promised me he would stop but it never happens. It has been 10 years and now it is worse than ever. Our relationship is in bad shape. On top of everything he does not want to have sex with me. Last time we had it it was not good, fast (just for him) and it was almost a year ago. He doesn’t want to touch me or kiss me. We never doing anything together. The women in porn completely replaced me. I feel rejected and humiliated. My husband does not want to talk about it or go to counseling or go to church.
    I’ll say this – if your man is a porn addict he will never change, he’ll never stop. He will lie to you & make promises, but it all would be forgotten once he is back on his computer, on in front of the tv and CD player (while you’re away). You either can choose to live with that or to leave him.

    Okay, may be there are a few Christian men out there that can and will find power inside of them to stop, but the number is soooooo small, that the good chance is it will not be Your man. :(
    I feel for all of you women, that are in the same situation as I am! I know what you are going through.

  • Cheri says:

    I discovered my husband’s use of pornography a few months ago. I admire your strength and willingness to stop the porno and save your marriage. I am really struggling now. I installed Safeeyes on our computers at home after confronting my husband with this. He told me he loves me and felt “dirty” when he was doing that. He said he would stop. There is a nagging feeling in me that he has not, and I am thinking he could have bought another laptop. He has the time at home every morning (which was his usual pattern) when noone is there. I want to badly to trust him but I think because I still sense that we are not as close as we once were, that he may still be viewing porno. I am sick to my stomach. I cannot live this way and am almost ready to just give up on this marriage. He refuses to get counseling. If someone wants to continue the filthy habit, they cannot be stopped, even with Covenant or Safeeyes. Another computer could be purchased.

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