Ways To Give

My use of porn is ruining my marriage

Over the last two years there were a couple of incidents where I sought out pornography. Although this hasn’t happened too much, I believe it is more than mere curiosity. This has completely shattered my marriage in terms of trust and honesty, and I’m having a real hard time answering my wife’s question: why? If I cannot figure this thing out, I will definitely lose my beautiful wife and my loving family forever. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. My wife and I recently separated and are attempting to work things out. Our communication has never been better and I feel closer to her than I have in the six years I’ve known her. We are trying to take things slow. I want to be a great father and husband and I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

Advice: I was where you are right now, and I am still only one click of the mouse away from returning to the pool of filth, just like a person who is an alcoholic is only one drink away from falling into that state of drunkenness.

You are NOT weird. You are believing lies that you are the only one that has this problem and you are lower than low in the eyes of God. This is not true. There are literally tens of thousands of men, and yes, women too, that fall into this trap. Everyone, from pastors to teachers to you and I, fall prey to this horrible addiction. And it must be big because the porn industry is a multi-billion dollar internet industry. What does that tell you?

You have to understand that there is a scientific aspect to this addiction as well. The brain gives off a very powerful substance when aroused by these images, producing a high, that for many addicts, is the driving force behind their dependency on porn. I know it was for me. I needed that “feeling” of being high. It was exciting! It was wonderful. It was my own little world of self-satisfaction.

Do you know Christ? Are you a believer? I ask these very personal questions because the strength to overcome this battle is leaning on the strength of Christ to help you. At least it was for me. I tried and tried again and again to stop. I made vows to myself, my wife, my pastor and God that I would stop. But my flesh cried out for more and I would return to the filth once again only to be beaten down by the guilt and shame. It was a frustrating cycle.

It wasn’t easy. You need to come to the place of complete surrender. You need to get support that knows the anguish you are feeling. There are a couple of online courses that helped me very much. One is called, Setting Captives Free. This is a 60-day course that takes you through to a way of escape. The other is called Covenant Eyes. This is an accountability site that monitors every key stroke that you make on your computer and sends a report to a person who has agreed to keep you honest.

If you really want to get away from this, another way is to get rid of your computer until you are free from this affliction. Yup, that’s right. Pull the plug. It is called “radical amputation”. You then can use the computers in a library or other “public” places to do your online course. Stay away from those things and places that tempt you. Even things as subtle as the grocery checkout lines and all the magazines on the rack can cause your mind to wander back into that place of “needing” that porn fix.

I lied, deceived, and made excuses for my actions as you are doing. Fortunately, my wife, when I confessed it to her, forgave me and offered her support. If your wife could understand what you are going through, and if you depend on her for support, that would be half the battle. It sounds like she is willing to help and talk it out. Don’t despair. Don’t give up! I know you feel like you are in a deep pit and can’t climb out and you are sinking deeper and deeper. I know you are not viewing this filth daily, at least that is what you have stated, but it is a harsh master and if you do not get rid of the desire to keep looking, you will become a slave to it.

If you are willing to do whatever it takes, and I know you said that, then you can overcome this habit and set yourself free.

Sincerely,
A MenTodayOnline mentor

Take the next step:
Do you need someone to talk to about your struggle with porn?
Why Can’t I Look at Porn?
Is Porn Destructive to a Marriage?

11 Responses to “My use of porn is ruining my marriage”

• Loading comments
• Cheri says:

  January 25, 2011 at 7:33 am

  I discovered my husband’s use of pornography a few months ago. I admire your strength and willingness to stop the porno and save your marriage. I am really struggling now. I installed Safeeyes on our computers at home after confronting my husband with this. He told me he loves me and felt “dirty” when he was doing that. He said he would stop. There is a nagging feeling in me that he has not, and I am thinking he could have bought another laptop. He has the time at home every morning (which was his usual pattern) when noone is there. I want to badly to trust him but I think because I still sense that we are not as close as we once were, that he may still be viewing porno. I am sick to my stomach. I cannot live this way and am almost ready to just give up on this marriage. He refuses to get counseling. If someone wants to continue the filthy habit, they cannot be stopped, even with Covenant or Safeeyes. Another computer could be purchased.
• Nola says:

  July 15, 2011 at 10:56 am

  I have been dealing with the same thing. My husband is addicted to porn. He promised me he would stop but it never happens. It has been 10 years and now it is worse than ever. Our relationship is in bad shape. On top of everything he does not want to have sex with me. Last time we had it it was not good, fast (just for him) and it was almost a year ago. He doesn’t want to touch me or kiss me. We never doing anything together. The women in porn completely replaced me. I feel rejected and humiliated. My husband does not want to talk about it or go to counseling or go to church.
  I’ll say this – if your man is a porn addict he will never change, he’ll never stop. He will lie to you & make promises, but it all would be forgotten once he is back on his computer, on in front of the tv and CD player (while you’re away). You either can choose to live with that or to leave him.

  Okay, may be there are a few Christian men out there that can and will find power inside of them to stop, but the number is soooooo small, that the good chance is it will not be Your man. :(
  I feel for all of you women, that are in the same situation as I am! I know what you are going through.
• halbcust says:

  July 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm

  This is a modern day plague, it affects so many. My heart goes out to you. But to say that there is only hope for a few, I just can’t help but think that makes this struggle bigger than God. There can be victory, just look at ths site and watch Nate Larkins’ story. http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/#sex-addiction

  There should be a high degree of victory amoung Christians because scriptures give us instructions on how to deal with someone who struggles with any sin.
  (Mat. 18:15-22) I wonder how many Christians who struggle with this have had their peers deal with them using this method. Could it be that this is why so few overcome? I really wonder.
• Bernard says:

  July 15, 2011 at 11:54 pm

  Hello all men and women out there that have connection with porn. I am a former porn addict. My wife prayed for me and never criticized me or put me down. One day God spoke to my heart and said…”Jesus died for that too…” and that was almost the end of it. Almost because I still was struggling with desires. Other than that I am more the other way now…I walk away from it very quickly. I hate because it has hurt me so much because I am now taking drugs for depression and I have a hard time handling stress which I believe are the consequences of porn. Porn may look fun for a while but it has the bite of a snake. Don’t be fooled by its looks. God bless you! Decide from now on that you will pray for your husband and let God do the work. Have faith!
• Nola says:

  July 16, 2011 at 10:55 am

  Yes, you are right! There is nothing impossible with God!
  I am just so frustrated that I completely gave up. I thought that in order for someone to get help or to be helped they need to be involved and want the help in the first place. It is hard to do when the person doesn’t even want to admit that they have a problem/addiction.
  I have talked with my husband finely last night and through emails (it seems easier for us to communicate through letters) and he seems more calm this time. He said that he had prayed for help and strength. It made me so happy. I have not been happy like that in a very long time! In the same time I am afraid that it’s just another attempt that will end up a failure. I know I should not think that and stay positive and pray! I’ll try! :0)

  Thank you, this article, site in general and your comments are really a big help and support to me! I’ve sent to my husband this article and I hope he read it.
  Thanks again!
• Nola says:

  July 16, 2011 at 11:00 am

  Forgot to say. I can not talk about this with my friends or family it’s just to embarrassing, so I was seeking support online and I am so glad that I found it here!
  You are doing a wonderful thing by answering and giving your opinion and facts on this! Hopefully it will help many people and couples in trouble!
• Andrew says:

  July 18, 2011 at 6:48 am

  In a Christians life there is always a weakness that the devil preys on and for many men it is porn. Their is freedom from this addictions as the majority of people who turn to there sinful habit is because they are trying to rid themselves of a deep hurt that is inside of them. The only problem is that it is like jumping into a river with a swift current and unless you can reach out and grab a tree branch to stop you from drowning a person will drown. The answer is very simple but oh so difficult it is submitting to the holy spirit and each time a lustful thought enters the mind say “holy spirit put a positive thought in my mind and he does this”

  There is a show on history channel where people with dogs that are problem call a dog trainer and usually within a few hours he has the dog behaving. One of the techniques that he uses that i have seen is when he is taking a male dog for a walk and a female dog walks by the male dog wants to chase the female! He will either give the dog a quick tap with his hand or he will pull back on the leash to snap him out of the instinct at that moment. Asking the holy spirit to change your thought is very similar as the thought will be replaced with something else. Even Paul had issues with sin however he gave us a guideline how to beat it.

  Romans 7: He describes the problem

  14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

  18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[d] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

  21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e] within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

  Romans 8: He defines the solution

  1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power[a] of the life-giving Spirit has freed you[b] from the power of sin that leads to death. 3 The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature.[c] So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4 He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

  5 Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7 For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8 That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.

  9 But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) 10 And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life[d] because you have been made right with God. 11 The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

  12 Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,[e] you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. 13 For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,[f] you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children[g] of God.

  15 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.[h] Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”[i] 16 For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. 17 And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.

  Follow Romans 8 and the habit will begin to stop.

  God Bless
• Cheri says:

  July 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm

  This emotional roller coaster is tearing me apart. I have prayed and tried to turn this over to God, but I can’t trust him. He says he is not viewing porn any longer, but I still don’t believe him. I read the comments on here where people say they will go back to it. He treats me better than he did before I discovered his use of porn, but if he/we are having a bad day and not feeling intimate I always think of the porn. It’s not only the porn, it’s the websites I discovered where he was seeking “discreet” relationships when he was working out of town. He keeps saying when will I let it go and tries to assure me nothing is going on. I can’t afford counseling, so that is not an option. I am not suicidal, but some days I just wish I no longer existed. I am so tired.
• Andrew says:

  July 22, 2011 at 6:21 pm

  I understand the frustration of having a spouse that is disengaged and only has a one track mind of sitting in front of a computer to see what images he can look that will fill the void that is there. There are no easy answers to build up trust once the trust is lost and if they have not stopped then pray and ask Christ to reveal to you what you should do and if you should continue the relationship. I would never advocate divorce as this is my own personal feeling on the issue of a partner who is seeking self satisfaction by looking at porn and refuses to quit. The Biblical you have the right to leave buy only after ever other avenue is explored. In my view there cheating involved with other woman as the images via webcam and internet are real human beings on the other end. I would never ever recommend divorce as having gone through it myself it is a very unpleasant gut wrenching experience however having survived an abusive relationship where cheating did occur I am free as a result. Christ wants all of us to be free through his holy spirit.

  It may require tough love on your part as if you allow the use of porn to continue they will think they can get away with it. The hurt or problem has to be faced and if you sit back and hope change will occur as long as he is in love with his computer more than you nothing changes. If you pray earnestly about the situation and ask Christ through the holy spirit to show what you should do then he will reveal it to you. You will never change anyone only the holy spirit can and it is by his guidance that you will be able to know what to do. Many people say I don’t know what to do in this situation however the answer is in the Bible in John 8: 32 Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. Ask Christ to show you the truth and he will do so.

  If the trust has been broken and you feel strongly that you can’t trust then daily pray and read the scriptures with him and ask directly if there has been porn involved. Give it to God as you as a person can not handle the stress as you will go crazy and become worn out. Satan wants to destroy a marriage and all marriages can be saved through Christ. I understand that trust has to be rebuilt however if there is no spiritual change for both spouses it is impossible. A person addicted to porn has three choices to rid themselves of this.
  1. Ask Christ to forgive
  2. Seek an accountable partner via mentor online with truth media
  3. To continue the relationship they must attend sex addiction counseling which can be occur in a number of ways. Either physically attending to see a psychologist who is a christian on a one to one basis. Or contact a Church like Saddleback that lists a spiritual group that deals with addiction.

  Pray earnestly and seek Chirsts guidance through the holy spirit that is the most important thing and wait for his answer.

  God Bless
• rj says:

  August 14, 2011 at 1:29 pm

  I feel i am in the same position as some of you. I dont feel that my husband is addicted per say…or maybe…i dont know…my issue is why??? i do feel it has impacted our sex life…more importantly is impacting me….i feel worthless and when i mention it he always says its my fault for snooping. my biggest frustration is that he feels like he is doing nothing wrong and that i should just stay out of his things. He always pushes me away when i try to be affectionate? so what im seeing here is that this wont change???? does this mean divorce?
• Leah says:

  August 15, 2011 at 10:20 am

  Dear RJ,

  I hear your pain, it must be so hard. I don’t know if this means divorce, but if you would like someone to talk to about this problem we offer free and confidential mentoring. You would be matched with a mentor that has gone through what you are experiencing and will be able to give you wisdom to walk this journey. Just click the link if you want a mentor: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

  Sincerely,

  Leah

Leave a Reply

Please fill in your name.

Name *

Please fill in your email address.

Mail (will not be published) *

Website

Please write a comment.

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail

Notify me of new posts by email.