Assert Yourself!
Most people tend to be fairly indirect about expressing their feelings and needs. As a group we are afraid to be direct, fearing people will be put off or that we will run into conflict. Many of us equate assertiveness with bossiness. Inability to be direct in a kind but firm way robs us of the chance to communicate and breeds disappointment, frustration and even anger.
When you can’t express your wants openly, you have to hint, “It looks like a nice day . . . . our neighbors went to play tennis.” Or, “the newspaper mentioned an arts and crafts show this Sunday.” and hope your friend or spouse will pick up on it. So whether you tend to be indirect, aggressive or passive your relationships aren’t satisfying and issues aren’t resolved. Assertiveness doesn’t leave communication or issues in relationships up to chance.
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What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a way of confronting the unpleasant or difficult times without getting squashed or squashing others in the process. When you use assertiveness you can negotiate reasonable changes by stating directly what you think, feel and want. Assertiveness builds intimacy, solves interpersonal problems and increases honesty, requests and refusals in your relationships.
Of course, you can choose any number of alternatives to assertiveness. You can fake your feelings, suffer silently, retreat from others, manipulate them or demand your way. Ultimately these options are self-defeating and harmful to relationships.
Use paraphrasing
One of the keys to making assertiveness work for you while making it palatable for others is to combine it with active listening. Listening involves hearing and paraphrasing back what someone says to you. It gives you the opportunity to pick up on their viewpoints and continue the dialogue.
You don’t have to agree with their opinions, but active listening will show that you value and respect them. This will increase the odds that others will take time to listen to you. Make certain that your paraphrase is brief and includes the facts and feelings the person is expressing.
Begin summarizing what people say to you with these phrases:
- “In other words…”
- “Let me get this straight…”
- “So you felt that…”
- “What I hear you saying is…”
- “If I understand you correctly…”
- “Would you say that…?”
- “Do I understand you to mean…?”
Assertiveness skills
Still, the most difficult aspect of communication comes when you take the risk to talk about your opinions, feelings and needs. Don’t let fear hold you back! Speak up within the bounds of love. Learning assertive communication skills is the next step.
Here are some examples of assertiveness which will help you express your opinions, confront others, state your feelings or make requests:
- Stating your preference or opinion; “My preference is… “What I’d like is…”
Expressing you feelings; “I feel…when…” - Making requests: “This movie is not what I hoped it would be. I would like to leave.”
- Disagreeing with someone; “I disagree with you when you say…”
- Saying yes or no without making excuses; “I am unable to come to lunch.”
- “I” statements for confronting: “I feel…when you…because…”
Use the A-S-E-R-T model:
- A = Ask for God’s help: Pray for God to guide you.
- S = State the problem: Think over & state the facts of the problem.
- E = Express yourself: State your feelings. Do not judge.
- R = Request change & feedback: Specify one behavior change. Then listen to the other person’s thoughts and opinions.
- T = Talk-it-out: Paraphrase their ideas. Discuss the consequences, considerations & options.
Examples: When you need to bring up a problem or issue, you can approach another person by saying:
“I have been worried about our finances and would like us to make a budget so we can both feel we have input into spending. What do you think about this idea?”
“I feel upset when you say that you will be home by dinner-time but don’t show up until an hour later. How do you think this problem can be solved? I’m sure we will both feel better if we can work this out.”
“I have been feeling stressed-out lately by all the work in my Sunday School class. I would like you to find a substitute for me for the next month so I can take a break. I know I will be better able to handle the class when I return. Is this feasible? And can we brainstorm some ideas about people who can take my place?”
Assertiveness need not be a painful exercise of skills.
You can get something out of communicating more directly. Aristotle wrote, “many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.” Speaking up will help you build closer relationships with others and gain more confidence in yourself! Just think, no more hinting, raging, manipulating or demanding your way! Instead, you can state your ideas, thoughts and feelings confidently, not leaving communication up to chance!
Do you struggle with feeling that you deserve to be heard? Have you wondered about your value as a person?Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
