My husband is meeting women online
A year ago my husband started chatting with women on the Internet. All his free time is spent chatting with these women. I have become very jealous and hurt over this. We argue about it all the time. He says that the women don’t mean anything to him but he won’t quit. There is one woman that he seems very close to they talk everyday. He is very secretive about her and doesn’t let me see what she writes to him.
My husband gets very angry when I tell him how much this hurts me. We have had our share of problems through the years and have always managed to work them out up until now. I have become depressed and I feel unimportant to him. We have even talked about divorce. He tells me he hates jealousy and that I should trust him, but it is hard not to feel that way when he spends so much time with her.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
Advice: This is very dangerous. Your husband has stepped over boundary lines in your marriage. It is time to put your foot down. Marriage is for two people, husband and wife, with no one else between you. Your marriage and your friendship take precedence over any “female” friend (or whatever). He is destroying the trust, intimacy and commitment in your marriage. You took vows to cherish each other. How does this behavior “cherish” you?
This is a romantic relationship at the very least and definitely wrong for a married man to participate in. Ask him to go to counseling with you. Please contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area. If he refuses to go to counseling with you, ask him to see your pastor about this. You need to go to your pastor and/or a counselor even if he doesn’t come with you.
This situation may require separation if he is not willing to work on your marriage. I do not advocate divorce, but separation may show him how serious you are about his behavior and that you will not tolerate it. He is addicted to these relationships. What he is doing is breaking the trust in your relationship. Trust is a very important ingredient and foundational to your marriage. How can you be united as a couple if another woman is so important to him that he ignores your concerns and talks to her daily and keeps it secret from you?
If these relationships are not intimate or sexual than he should be able to show you all the emails he has sent and received to disprove any suspicions you have. He is bordering on unfaithfulness, though he may not have acted it out. If you put up with it, he will go farther. He will just keep patronizing you. I recommend reading Love Must be Tough: Proven Hope for Families in Crisis by James Dobson. Take care of yourself. Get support in a local church.
God bless you! Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
9 Responses to “My husband is meeting women online”
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I had a similar problem with my husband. He insisted these women were “just friends” to talk to. “And they all live so far away”. Turns out the conversations were quite intimate. They also moved off the internet on to phone texting and then phone calls. I’ve also just found out that one of the women was an old flame – local and they did meet twice.
I agree to put your foot down and stop this behavior NOW.
I had/have the same problem with my partner of over 20 years, she has now walked out of our lives for the excitement of the internet. Cut it as soon as possible, it only gets worse as the addiction gets stronger. And they will blame you for everything. They really are unaware of what they are doing. They destroy everything they ever had and alienate all the real life people around them.
Keschi and Bob, you are definitely not alone in your experiences. And they are never innocent but as the author says, indicates that your spouse has stepped over boundary lines in your marriage and needs to get help. You are right Bob, it is definitely an addiction.
Yes it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, the denial and lies are shocking. I am still living it right now and there seems to be nothing you can do at all, the addict destroys their life and yours and appears oblivious to what they are doing.
My partner has stepped in to real life now, meeting people online, a sex chat session to get the fantasy emotional thrill going and finally the meeting.
It feels like an impossible situation.
Bob, may I suggest that you sign up for an online mentor from this site who will walk alongside of you on this journey? I can understand how impossible the situation must seem right now. You can just go to this page and fill in the form and someone will be in touch with you by email. http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
I’ve had the same problem with my husband. We went to counseling and it stopped for about three months. However, it started back up again about three months ago. We’ve been married for almost three years now and I don’t want to divorce him, but I’m so tired of this behavior. He tells me all the time that if I don’t like it and it does’t make me happy then I should just leave. Leaving me with the feeling that if I were to separate,he just wouldn’t care and he would let me go. Then the marriage would be over. I know that I have every right to divorce him, but I’m just so against it. Any suggestions?
Ellen, Are you able to see a marriage counsellor? If you have expressed to your husband that this behaviour bothers you (as it certainly should) and he is without remorse and unwilling to change the behaviour then there is a breakdown in your marriage. A counsellor might be able to help him see more clearly how his actions are affecting you and the damage it is doing to your relationship. If he is unwilling to go to counselling you should still go. A trained professional will be able to work with you towards restoring your relationship.
I know that nobody’s responded since June, but I’m interested in what has happened with some of you since these postings. About a year ago, I found a MySpace account my husband had posted saying he is single and looking for women to connect with. He claims he was just bored. He knows how much it upset me because it’s the only time he’s every apologized for anything.
I decided to let it go, but lately his behavior is taking a turn. He never goes to bed when I go to bed. He stays up hours past me on the computer. I went away for a week to visit family recently and when I came back, he had his camera set up on his computer. It has been on the shelf for a long time. I don’t like what this does to me because I admit, I have been checking his computer currently. He had turned off all history and is using an email for certain accounts that I don’t have or recognize. Well, I turned his history back on and can see that he’s looking at sites for local woman.
In addition, every time he leaves his computer he shuts down everything and then turns off the monitor, even if he’s just going to the bathroom. He’s also very involved with an organization, and is constantly going to this meeting or that gathering. But now I wonder if that’s where he’s really going all the time. This has made me suspicious and paranoid and I don’t that it is doing this to me.
I’m frighted about what he’s either done or is about to do. My trust level for the past year has been almost nil since the MySpace issue. We are both unemployed (have been for while) with the economy as it is, and he was forced to draw from Social Security. If we split, I would be destitute currently. I haven’t been able to find a job.
I really don’t know what to do. If I talk to him, he usually has a way of turning things around on me. It could cause us to split.
Any advice?
lsmith,
I’m so sorry to hear about what has been going on in your marriage. Trust is so important in a relationship and is often a hard thing to rebuild. In response to your question, it sounds like you have found proof more than once that your husband was seeing other women. Do you consider your husband’s behaviour unfaithful? You mentioned he has had an issue with MySpace. In response to this, you need to set boundaries in your marriage. If you don’t feel you can talk to him I ask you this: if you knew this behaviour was not going to stop what would you do? In deciding what to do about this you need to make your own choice. A choice not based on what your friends or family think but based on what you feel needs to be done. If you would like to continue this conversation privately with a mentor you can sign up for a mentor here. Our mentors our available to talk with you in a non-judgemental way if you need someone to talk to. Whatever decision you make having a community around you to be supportive would be in your best interest.