My husband checks out other women
I often notice my husband checking out other women. When I confront him about it, he says that there’s nothing wrong with looking, and he has no intention to do anything more. Am I right to be concerned, or am I overreacting?
Advice:
Dave: Early in our marriage, it came as a real surprise to me to discover that I could still be attracted to another person, even though I was newly and happily married. I felt perplexed and besieged by guilt when I found myself noticing other women during that first year of marriage. I had a gorgeous wife and we had a great sex life together, so it was like, what’s the problem here?
Donalyn: As wives, we need to remember that we don’t think like our men on most things. A great first step is to have an honest conversation with your husband and attempt to discover how he thinks. How do you think, Dave?
Dave: I learned early on that, like most men, I tend to be visually stimulated and thus easily drawn to notice and be enticed by feminine shapes. I had no issues with pornography, but I needed to learn how to manage my eyes and focus on a woman’s countenance, and not on her body. I had to treat her as a sister, and not store up sexual data that I could use mentally later.
Donalyn: This can be hard for a woman to hear, because it’s so foreign to our own thinking. This fixation on looks can seem so shallow to us. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean this visual attraction is bad. It’s how men are wired. In fact, it can be a very good thing – it’s probably one of the things that attracted your husband to you in the first place. But you still have to share your concerns.
Dave: You need to let him see how this is affecting you. Rather than coming at him with guns blazing, which would push him away, open up your heart and tell him how it makes you feel when you see him looking at other women.
Donalyn: First you need to come to grips with your own feelings. It may help to write down the emotions you experience when you notice him doing this, so you can sort through it and decide what needs to be shared with your husband. And go beyond your surface feelings to see if there are deeper issues underneath. Ask yourself why this really bothers you. Are you insecure with how you look? Are you uncertain about your friendship with your husband? Do you question his faithfulness? If you have underlying insecurities, you will need to work through that even as your husband deals with his issues.
Dave: The way in which you confront your husband on this is critical. This is a difficult, private matter for most men, and if you approach it from the wrong direction, he will probably shut right down.
Donalyn: So because this will be difficult, start by trying to understand where he’s coming from on this. Reassure him of your love and commitment to him, and then have the courage to ask clarifying questions. Ask him why he looks at other women. What does he notice most? Does he think about them later? Does he feel in control over what and who he looks at? Does he have a problem with second looks and having to scope out the whole package? While you need honest answers to these questions if you’re going to work through this together, be patient and as supportive as you can be throughout the process.
Dave: Let me be clear that the fact that men are visually drawn to women does not make it okay to engage in lustful looks. It is not a wise practice for any man who wants to protect his marriage, and in many cases it can be an issue of sin. Jesus said that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28). So while your husband is likely being honest when he says he has no intention of doing anything beyond looking, the act of looking can still be a problem, especially if he is replaying it in his mind later. Not only that, but in this situation he is not even trying to be discreet about it when you’re around, and that is cause for concern. If he freely looks when you are with him, how bold is he when you are not present?
Donalyn: Ask your husband what needs are being met in him as he looks at other women. The truth is, this behaviour could be a sign of other issues: his dissatisfaction with you and the marriage, a problem with pornography, or fantasies about being with other women. Hopefully this is not the case with your husband, but it is better to address it now than to wish you had later.
Dave: There are also some steps you can take individually or as a couple to reduce the temptations for your husband going forward. Work together to ensure that you have a regular and mutually-fulfilling sex life. Meet one another’s needs so that neither one of you is tempted to have them met elsewhere. I know that when Donalyn and I are not sexually intimate for a period of time, I find it easier to have my mind and eyes carelessly and inappropriately wander. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but the easier you can make it on your husband, the better it will be for both of you.
Donalyn: Take advantage of your husband’s visual orientation by making yourself as appealing to him as you can. It’s so easy to put the effort in to look good for other people, while failing to make it a priority for our spouse. They are the ones we should be trying to impress! And we all feel better about ourselves when we look our best.
Dave: It would also be helpful to get an outside perspective. With your husband’s permission, ask some other men whom you both respect what they think about the issue. In fact, if your husband is open to it, encourage him to get into an accountability relationship with another man. When two men spur one another to love their wives and honour God, it’s a powerful thing. Iron sharpens iron!
Donalyn: A great marriage is built on a foundation of transparency. These issues are not easy to discuss, but be patient. Be less threatened, and more focused on working with him to face the issue, without excusing it. As a husband and wife drop their guards and begin to really deal with sticky subjects like this one, it leads to an amazing level of intimacy. It may be difficult, but the result is well worth the risk.
This sums it up for all women. It’s not that we don’t mind you saw a pretty woman, it’s how long you look and how you do it. We don’t like the turned head for more than 3 seconds look especially if you are with your wife or girlfriend. We don’t like excuses for looking. We don’t like your starring at women with the popped out eyes or dear in the headlight look either! We also like to be treated the same in public as we are treated at home if it were the 2 of you. Other than this it upsets us! Train your brains move on to something else after you have looked so everybody will be happy!!!!
Debbie, I have to say that it sounds like your husband has a serious addiction to pornography that probably predates your marriage. Unfortunately there isn’t an easy fix to porn addiction. Men do not realize the impact it has on both their relationships with their wives and to their wive’s self esteem. Does he recognize that this is a problem? May I suggest that you watch the movie Fireproof together? It is an excellent movie that depicts what happens in a marriage when pornography is involved.
It also sounds like there is an element of abuse in your marriage. May I suggest that you talk to your husband about whether or not he would be willing to for professional counseling? He needs to deal with his anger and you need to find a way to deal with why you allow that behavior as well.
I am glad you stopped by. We do have online mentors. If you would like to have own to walk alongside of you, just fill out the form on this page and one will email you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
i used to get super pissed at my man for noticing every female in the store then we broke up for a while and i was standing in line krogers and this really cute well built girl wasled past me i stared at her the whole time nobody likes looking at ugly people if i look he can look there is a hugh difference between glancing and gauking tha’s rude and ignorant he’s not gonna throw her down and do her think about what i said you will learn to feel alot better. thanks jenna rn ill
My husband and I have been together six years, we are in our early 50s and we are still an attractive, sexy couple. I was angered and hurt when I discovered two years ago that he looks at pornography on the internet of teen girls and young women doing gross acts, and has downloaded hundreds of porn movies. We have had many serious, abusive arguments about the hurt and distrust that he has brought into the marriage. I give him the best love, friendship and regular sex….more than any man should ever receive. He also stares at younger women when we are out in public, and all this upsets me and disturbs me. He will then start an abusive argument to make me leave. He then sends text messages of apologies asking me to come home and that he loves me very much and he will change. I thought we were soul-mates and we were once the perfect couple “so in love with each other” he is a romantic and also a professional singer. His job allows him to be at home through the day when I am at work, so he is always on the computer/internet. Please advise me on how I can fix this problem and to help my husband overcome his temptations and anger issues.
So Anon, why is it so important to be subtle when we all have the freedom to check out others as we please and as out natural instinct dictates? I think the subtlety is because it can be hurtful to the one we love. If it is hurtful than why would you want to take the risk of hurting someone that is so important to you?
Pfft, hypochondriac nonsense, both genders have as much freedom as they like to glance at another; I know I’d never betray my own partner, and it’s [usually] only natural instinct that makes me look in the first place.
Women do it just as much (you hafta’ learn to look out the corner of your eye, dem wimminz be subtle).
Hi Sammy, thanks for sharing your point of view here. You sound like you have quite a bit of experience on this issue. What makes you think that women are just as visually stimulated as men?
I would also like to clarify that Dave and Donalyn are not suggesting that it is alright for men (or women) to allow themselves to lustfully gaze at others. You are right when you say that it destroys marriages. Jesus tells us that to look at another lustfully has the same consequences as actually engaging in an adulterous affair with them. That is the power of a mind left without moral checks. Now since we have seen how hard it is for some to guard against the lustful looks it reminds us that we need help from outside of ourselves to guard against eyes that linger and minds that fantasize. Jesus promises that when we put our trust in Him He transforms us so that we are not controlled by the passions that lead to sin. Instead He helps us to overcome any temptation. That is the hope of those who trust in His salvation and have become His followers.
This article is based upon the lie that men are more visual than women, and thus can’t help it.
In truth, women are just as visual, and as sexual, and they look at men as often – but the difference is that they don’t make it obvious.
Most men can’t comprehend just how sexual most women are, and how much they fantastize about sex.
Men who make it obvious they look at other women just haven’t grown up yet. They are also coming from a position of assumed power where they think it’s okay to make it obvious. It’s not okay – and it ruins marriages.
Andy, I am sorry for your pain and I can understand the intense discomfort that you are experiencing when you see your sister. Would you mind expanding on why you believe you cannot confront your sister? The Lord Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:15-17:”’15 If your brother [or sister] wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed and upheld by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 17 If he pays no attention to them [refusing to listen and obey], tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a pagan and a tax collector.’” [Amplified Bible]
Scripturally, you have every basis for confronting your sister on her behaviour, especially if she knows the Lord. However, if she does not know the Lord, then she cannot be held accountable to Christian standards. You can, however, talk to her about coming to know Him, as she is in obvious need of His direction. If you would like to talk further about your situation with a mentor, please fill out the short form at the following link, and one of our online mentors will contact you quickly and confidentially:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
God bless you, Andy. I pray you are able to speak with your sister, and that she hears you about her need to turn her life around and seek the Lord for His direction.
You think men are like that. My lfe is hell depressed these days because of my sister. My elder sister is 30 and single and she found a man online, they haven’t met but have been chatting for about 2 weeks or so. The other day, her mail was open on my laptop and I saw one of the chats accidentally. To my surprise, she was having explicit sex chats with that person. And by explicit, I mean really down and dirty things I can’t even begin to describe here. This shook me. I don’t know how to react to this. When I see her now, I feel weird and ashamed and cannot infer as to what the hell is going on her doing doing things like that. In the past, she has had 3 failed relationships, been through one abortion and once tried to commit a suicide. I cant confront her on this and can’t get it out of my head. This is crazy. Please help.
Nadia, your best bet for helping your husband to understand and to understand him is to keep talking about it. You need to guard against attacking your husband but instead approach the issue as a team trying to discover how the two of you together can find a solution. I like the way you ended your post, “How can I understand him?” That is a great desire to have. I also have seen how Jesus helps couples understand each other and work through the issues that come between them. He helps us put aside our own agenda and focus on serving our spouse. He gave us the perfect example of sacrificing for others and it is His example that we are called to follow, “Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal’s death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8) If you want to find out more about how a relationship with Jesus can make a difference in your marriage have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose.
Elizabeth, you have a really great sense of humor with the jungle comment you posted in october. I agreed with some of the stuff in this article about it is how men are wired, because any attractive person male or female catches the eye. But I do believe men can do better. My husband was checking out other women on our honeymoon, it really sucked, though he wasn’t being blatant about it, but I still confronted him none the less and explained how i was hurt and etc. For him it’s more like a bad habit he is breaking. But I couldn’t agree more that it takes him or any man to have a humble heart before God and love for his wife to make steps in lifestyle. I know that he loves me and I him. As for making yourself attractive I do agree, as for doing it so he won’t look as much at other women?? what the hell is that? Anyway! Lots of love to all your stories, every situation has a wild card, I pray God’s best for each person and their story.
I’m concerned about my husband since he doesn’t understand me. Every time he looks at other girls I dislike and I explained to him the reason(s) why; Yet he still does it when I’m around at least that’s how I feel. I know it’s normal and sometimes I’m ok with it. It’s just that he doesn’t try a bit to stop it or at least not to do it in front of me. What should I do? is he needing something else than what I can offer him? How can I understand him?
Thank you Jamie for your prayer,i need Gods peace so much be blessed.
also……. i dont think when one gives his account to the Lord at his appointed time, saying “it comes with the territory” will get you out of your punishment. that’s compromise friend.
I’m gonna make this short and simple. With GOD all things are possible, David and all other men who “can’t help it”. Perhaps men should take notice that the Bible speaks more of lust and adultery more than most any other subject. It is the ruin and damnation of man. Maybe a man should ask himself whilst checking out a female if laying on a bed of fire for all eternity is worth what the eyes are seeing…..
It’s disgusting. Creates more pedophiles each and everyday. Rapists…etc.
Thanks Barbara for your response I was talking to women who think their men should live in isolation where we can never see other people….whether women accept or not ……men will look…for those women who can’t stand a man who looks then they are surely better on their own…Jesus warned us not to look with a lustful desire and imagination …but surely we can’t go in life with our eyes closed..
Your words…women look at women…of course it’s natural to admire or see beauty in others…as long as its not coupled with sexual desire…or evil……I disagree with porn,unfaithfulness,udultrey ,fornication ……
Men have to put up with women’s menstrual cycle which in most cases is a complete nightmare to us …coz it’s accompanied sometimes with attitudes,roughness etc…we don’t complain because we know it’s natural…
Men are naturally attracted to what they see…that’s why David the king when he saw another man’s wife bathing he lusted after her and took her…after seeing..prostitutes wear very little and expose much flesh because they know a man responds to what he sees with his eyes….it goes with the territory…ladies…sorry
Dear David,
Sorry but I disagree with your comment, “Women,women ,women…please don’t get married………stay on your own for goodness sake..” God made men and women to be together…a help mate to one another, a blessing to one another. Ladies when the right man comes along and you are confident in who you are it will not matter if your husband glances at other women from time to time. Many women out there “look” at other women and compare themselves to such. Thus, it is only natural for men to look as well. My tip is to always try to “look” your best for your husband or boyfriend…don’t become relaxed in your grooming, appearence nor health once you begin to get comfortable in a relationship…I have been with my husband for over 10 years and we are more in love now than ever before as we become comfortable in our own skin and know that we can trust one another. When God takes up residence within your heart….you will see your spouse as lovely and beautiful as He does…what the enemy brings your way to try to entice you will not be an issue.
I know women who enjoy being looked at by men because they feel attractive…..so why enjoy being looked at and hate it when your husband looks…double standards…hey….
Women,women ,women…please don’t get married….if you think you will find a man who will never look at a woman out there…do me a favour ,don’t get a boyfriend either…am not justifying mans behavior …yes it’s wrong but man will look ….it’s one, of the sins the devil easily attacks us with…Lord help us to overcome this….women stay on your own for goodness sake..
Well, ten years ago i fell in love and the man always looked at woman. I was twenty. Such rage came as a result that i in response would actually slap him, very hard on his face. I hated myself and him. Eventually we broke up. Turns out he was cheating on me the whole time. He left me in a very brutal way. Eztremelly so. Now ten years later, i have another man who is mow looking at women, women who are years younger than me and moreso for him. I should tell you ladies i plan to leave him. We are engaged, but the man of spirituality is no longer there. I only mentioned it to me once, that it bothered me. I warned him that i would not do so again. And i wont. I will just leave. The reason why i will leave is because i do not want a repeat of what happened before but more importantly i lost my divine self before and refuse to do so again. You simply cannot explain the reasons to a man. Women are treated as products and whne done so by someone who you love, it is a negation of our core selves, our essence. I tried once explaining this but the same denial i got that all of you did. I must leave him now and it is awful because now he wants to buy a house. I dont think you can reason with men like this. You must simply leave. The fear is always there, you will be alone, but i can assure you being alone and your true self is far better than being together and feeling the rage and pain of being wwith someone who is very simply not honest. Truly i think it best to not marry until men evolve to the place where they can perceive women as beings not just physical entities. Sorry for bad spelling, nook is hard to master
Rosy, your husband does have habits that are detrimental to himself, to you and to your marriage. Jesus taught that sin comes from a heart that is unclean (Mark 7:21-23) and so it is the heart that needs to be transformed in order to change the behaviour. In Galatians 5 we have two lists of characteristics that reveal where our focus is: if we are focused on ourselves we have a life that is characterized by the first list “sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin”(Galatians 5:19-21) but if we have a focus on the Spirit of God we live out the characteristics of the second list “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”(Galatians 5:22-23) Rather than trying to get your husband to change the behaviours that are so hurtful, helping him to change his focus to following the Spirit of God will automatically result in exhibiting the characteristics of the second list.
If you don’t know what it means to focus on following the Spirit of God go to http://powertochange.com/discover/know-jesus-personally_ll. There are a series of articles that describe what that means. Invite your husband to take a look as well. You may also find it helpful to talk to one of our online mentors who can talk and pray with you. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor
Lord God I pray for Thandi and her husband. Father You know the pain that Thandi lives with when her husband makes comments about other women. I pray that You would give Thandi the wisdom to know how best to help her husband deal with these issues that he has in his life. Help her to speak when You want her to and when to be silent when You lead her. Give her peace and calm that You have promised that comes from a deep relationship with You. Lord I pray that her husband’s eyes would be opened and he would realize the hurt that he is causing and that Your Spirit would transform him into a godly, caring husband who looks to You ever moment of his life. In Jesus’ name, amen.
I am Lori. I am a 40 year old woman. I am in a situation where my 47 year old boyfriend was watching porn. I would not mind if he watched porn, as long as he continues to satisfy my needs. I find him watching porn instead of coming to bed. We have not had sex for 2 months!!! I had more sex as a teenager! He is not cheating. We don’t have a car right now and he works from home. When I try to initiate sex, he brushes me off. I do believe that he has a porn addiction. What really angers me is when I am laying right in bed next to him and he will get up and watch porn right in front of me, when he could have had the real thing! I put a block on the porn sites since he infested my computer with a bug. Now, he watches the Youtube women shaking their butts! I told him as long as he watches other women on line, that I lose the urge to have sex with him. I told him that I am losing interest in him and I will go elsewhere to have my urges satisfied. He told me that he doesn’t want to jeopardize our relationship and that he will stop watching those other women on line. I told him, “Yea, right”. I am serious. As long as he watches those other women on line, I will not have sex with him. I told him he can be my roommate. If the roles were reversed and if I were watching other men, he would have a fit!!! If I would have slept with him after he watches porn, I feel like I would be disrespecting myself. For other women to say, all men watch porn, is an excuse to allow them to keep watching it. As a women, I demand respect. I don’t give a hoot what all men do, I know that I will not tolerate a man that neglects me to watch porn.
well the bible says, for men to avoid looking at women and such things because it stays in their head, and they need to pray to God to liberate them from such things, because wen they have intercourse with their wives their ex parters and images of pornography or woman come to your head…and they will stay there in your room with you and your new partner..its evil…my husband and i been married for 1year and 3 months..over the summer i came to find out he was into pornography…it was devasting..i felt like i could not trust him..i told him i would continue our relationship if we took counseling at church..and he agreed of course because he loves me. We met three years ago..but unfortually i was out for two years and he wasn t sexually active and i understand he needed sex..and i know i shouldnt never had sexual intercourse with him while unmarried..but it happened. And for him to survive that sex part , he watched porno. And now, he promised he would never watched them again..but i recently found out other things he has watched..on youtube he has watched videos of women dancing shaking their butts everywere and dancing in a very provocative way. Other videos of women having babies and 15 year old girls also having babies??? Is he perverted or what?(he was curious about how a baby come to this world, because im prego) Actually sick! I was disgussted..he also watches women semi nude on tv, wen i nave told him not to desrespect me like that ecause im his wife..i also hacked to google email address and found out he subscribed to BeNaughty.com?? He doenst chat or anything. But im sure hes there to check out other women..i confronted him. And he wouldnt admitt it and he finally gave up and said sorry for hurting like that .. Its all good now. But the tning is i dont trust him..sometimes i feel bad for behaving rude witn him because he trests me nice ad provides everthi g for the house and to me ..he is also ice to my child..and cares for us..but i just dont trust him anymore..wat should i do i love a lot and i know he does too, i dont wanna be indifferent or rude but i dont like it wen he gets on his fone , he takes it everywere even to the bathroom?? So if my a husband watches porno, is he cheating on me?
My husband has been like this in all the 8years of our marriage,surprisingly i never had a problem about it until he started to talk about how much he likes big butts and boobs.At one time he even suggested i should go for breast enhancement.until i discovered that he cheat on me some years back and kept it from for 6years i was hurt as if it was not enough i saw some conversation he was having over the years with his friends fatasing about other women.we have spoken about heart to heart.But once in a while he goes of track and makes rude comments or retails a conversation he had with a friend or coligue about the very same things we sat down and discused about.And i just look at him speechless i believe someday God will solve what ever issues he has.I cry when im alone i cry alot until im tired and cant cry anymore.its so painful to hear your husband making sexual comments about other women.
Nancy, I would suggest that you not ‘play mommy’ for your rude little boy. You will not get far in seeing a change. It has been my expereince that addressing your husband with honesty and love, letting him know how you feel when he allows his eyes to follow after other women you will have a much better opportunity for a change than if you try to belittle him and treat him like a child. Working together on an issue that either of you struggle with is one of the strengths of marriage. But so often we let the problems beteween us become reasons to divide rather than finding how they can draw us closer together.
Penny, I would say similar things to you as well. This is a great chance for you two to develop conflict resolution patterns in your relationship. It is the chance for you to discover how you can communicate with your boyfriend about issues that deeply trouble you that he thinks are no big deal. Being able to communicate effectively how it makes you feel is crucial. Then being able to look at the issue together and figure out a way to work together is setting a great pattern for the rest of your marriage. You may discover that you are unable to help your boyfriend understand; that can help you as you make your decision if this is a relationship that has long-term potential that you are willing to commit to.
I find it harsh on my self esteem. See me and my boyfriend have been going out for 8 months, the longest relationship i have ever had. Recently my sister broke up with her boyfriend and now she is wearing very sexy clothes and when my boyfriend is over , i see and feel him looking. My own brother told me that its normal for guys to do that and that its not his fault for looking because my sister is setting her self up for that kind of attention, but see me and my sister have had this jealousy thing between us, she likes what i have and i have no clue why, and i like what she has, sometimes i wish i was like her. My sister is thicker than i am and she has curves and a butt while me on the other hand , im skinny, i do have curves but you have to search for them,but no butt. My boyfriend said this one day “i may be looking at another girl but your the only one i want” i have no clue what to think or believe, cuz say in a couple of years down the road i get married to him and when we have dinners at my sisters house, will he be checking out my sister? i really need help with this please.
i don’t understand why we have to give in to their problems all the time-they are like rude little boys-and why should wives play mommy all the time! I have a husband who has always looked at other women- I find it disrespectful, rude and uncaring. he even keeps naked pictures on his website-he just doesn’t know that i know. he is very deceitful about looking at anything that is sexual, that doesn’t involve me-too bad i catch him at it all the time. maybe it is the feeling of getting away with it that turns him on-if only he knew that i knew…
Brittany,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this trouble in your relationship. It must be difficult for you to feel so unappreciated by your husband. Have you tried talking to him about this issue? Is it something that has been going on for a while? You have every right to be upset about it. Men are very visual but that doesn’t excuse it. I can imagine it must be so hard to feel like you never have his full attention. The tears would come from feelings of betrayal. Is he aware of how you feel about it? Does he understand how much it hurts you? Have you thought about seeing a counselor? You said you don’t fully understand the reasons for your reactions and a professional would be able to walk you through whatever you’re feeling. You can ask him to go to counseling with you. Even if he doesn’t want to go you could still go yourself to work through these feelings. A good start may be talking to an online mentor. Our mentors are available to walk you through anything that may be going on in your relationship. You can sign up for a mentor here.
im tired of feeling this way.. paranoid, excpecting too much wether its good or bad. i feel i have all the answers to my questions, thing is i cant seem to except that im not the only naked/half naked girl he will see. our life together seems to always include some woman, i dont understand all of my reasons for getting upset about this, most i do get. but most of the time it strikes me like a lightning bolt seconds later i feel like crying. it hurts me in such a way that its a 24.7 ordeal.
i HATE this
Observer,
Thank you for taking the time to encourage our mentors. You’ve brightened our day with your comment. God bless.
Just want to encourage Dennis, hope you still check this site,in response to his post “Dennis says: June 5, 2011 at 11:57 am”
Keep trying man, never lose your hope, these are the struggles Jesus died to set us free from.
I thank God that it is his will for all of us 1 Thessalonians 4:3.
To the moderators of the site, may God bless you and strenghten you as you give advice to all of us, on these difficult issues.
Cynthia,
Thanks for your post. You hit it right on the head. Sadly, I turned to alcohol instead of dealing with my husband’s wandering eye. Each time I get sober, I can’t stand him because of the way he checks out other women, etc. I was self medicating. Your sentence hits home: “Fall out of love with him”. Well, I have done that, but I feel bad because I do appreciate him, but there is no way I love him any more. If he ever loved me, he never would have been so blatantly disrespectful. Your post is refreshing because you totally get it. We can’t change them, we don’t want to. But, we don’t want to live playing second, third fiddle either.
There is a difference between a glance and a stare. If your husband glances, it’s probably harmless. What you should pay attention to, is if he gives you those same looks. If he doesn’t, but he regularly gives someone else that attention – or worse yet, if he talks about other girls better than he talks about you – then he has a serious problem, not you. It’s called disrespect.
And the only way for that not to hurt you, is to fall out of love with your husband.
You’ve heard it before. The infamous “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech that a guy gives just before he gives you the brush off. If he’s hurting you, then fall out of love with him. Don’t be in love with someone who hurts you and who brings you down. Love him, like he loves you. Care for him. But don’t let your sense of self and self-esteem hinge on him anymore. Leave him, so that someone else will come along who will treat you as well as you deserve.
It hurts. We all want to give of ourselves, to give our deepest love to the person we have pledged our lives to. But he is not giving all of himself to you. So save the best of yourself for only yourself or for God. And he won’t take your happiness from you anymore.
After two years of a beautiful relationship, she requested for a break up, while trying to restore the relationship, she is afraid I will treat her harshly just as I did sometime ago but I told her I have changed but she says, she has fear in her, how do I help her deal with this emotional trauma, FEAR.
Yes you are overreacting. Women can’t comprehend how men are made and are psychological and physiological need. It’s no different that when you have that special time every month where men have no clue what you’re going though. It’s not disrespect unless he is trying to make you feel bad which he probably isn’t. Just let it go and accept it. I’m sure there are things he has to accept about you too.