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I often notice my husband checking out other women. When I confront him about it, he says that there’s nothing wrong with looking, and he has no intention to do anything more. Am I right to be concerned, or am I overreacting?
Advice:
Dave: Early in our marriage, it came as a real surprise to me to discover that I could still be attracted to another person, even though I was newly and happily married. I felt perplexed and besieged by guilt when I found myself noticing other women during that first year of marriage. I had a gorgeous wife and we had a great sex life together, so it was like, what’s the problem here?
Donalyn: As wives, we need to remember that we don’t think like our men on most things. A great first step is to have an honest conversation with your husband and attempt to discover how he thinks. How do you think, Dave?
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Dave: I learned early on that, like most men, I tend to be visually stimulated and thus easily drawn to notice and be enticed by feminine shapes. I had no issues with pornography, but I needed to learn how to manage my eyes and focus on a woman’s countenance, and not on her body. I had to treat her as a sister, and not store up sexual data that I could use mentally later.
Donalyn: This can be hard for a woman to hear, because it’s so foreign to our own thinking. This fixation on looks can seem so shallow to us. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean this visual attraction is bad. It’s how men are wired. In fact, it can be a very good thing – it’s probably one of the things that attracted your husband to you in the first place. But you still have to share your concerns.
Dave: You need to let him see how this is affecting you. Rather than coming at him with guns blazing, which would push him away, open up your heart and tell him how it makes you feel when you see him looking at other women.
Donalyn: First you need to come to grips with your own feelings. It may help to write down the emotions you experience when you notice him doing this, so you can sort through it and decide what needs to be shared with your husband. And go beyond your surface feelings to see if there are deeper issues underneath. Ask yourself why this really bothers you. Are you insecure with how you look? Are you uncertain about your friendship with your husband? Do you question his faithfulness? If you have underlying insecurities, you will need to work through that even as your husband deals with his issues.
Dave: The way in which you confront your husband on this is critical. This is a difficult, private matter for most men, and if you approach it from the wrong direction, he will probably shut right down.
Donalyn: So because this will be difficult, start by trying to understand where he’s coming from on this. Reassure him of your love and commitment to him, and then have the courage to ask clarifying questions. Ask him why he looks at other women. What does he notice most? Does he think about them later? Does he feel in control over what and who he looks at? Does he have a problem with second looks and having to scope out the whole package? While you need honest answers to these questions if you’re going to work through this together, be patient and as supportive as you can be throughout the process.
Dave: Let me be clear that the fact that men are visually drawn to women does not make it okay to engage in lustful looks. It is not a wise practice for any man who wants to protect his marriage, and in many cases it can be an issue of sin. Jesus said that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28). So while your husband is likely being honest when he says he has no intention of doing anything beyond looking, the act of looking can still be a problem, especially if he is replaying it in his mind later. Not only that, but in this situation he is not even trying to be discreet about it when you’re around, and that is cause for concern. If he freely looks when you are with him, how bold is he when you are not present?
Donalyn: Ask your husband what needs are being met in him as he looks at other women. The truth is, this behaviour could be a sign of other issues: his dissatisfaction with you and the marriage, a problem with pornography, or fantasies about being with other women. Hopefully this is not the case with your husband, but it is better to address it now than to wish you had later.
Dave: There are also some steps you can take individually or as a couple to reduce the temptations for your husband going forward. Work together to ensure that you have a regular and mutually-fulfilling sex life. Meet one another’s needs so that neither one of you is tempted to have them met elsewhere. I know that when Donalyn and I are not sexually intimate for a period of time, I find it easier to have my mind and eyes carelessly and inappropriately wander. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but the easier you can make it on your husband, the better it will be for both of you.
Donalyn: Take advantage of your husband’s visual orientation by making yourself as appealing to him as you can. It’s so easy to put the effort in to look good for other people, while failing to make it a priority for our spouse. They are the ones we should be trying to impress! And we all feel better about ourselves when we look our best.
Dave: It would also be helpful to get an outside perspective. With your husband’s permission, ask some other men whom you both respect what they think about the issue. In fact, if your husband is open to it, encourage him to get into an accountability relationship with another man. When two men spur one another to love their wives and honour God, it’s a powerful thing. Iron sharpens iron!
Donalyn: A great marriage is built on a foundation of transparency. These issues are not easy to discuss, but be patient. Be less threatened, and more focused on working with him to face the issue, without excusing it. As a husband and wife drop their guards and begin to really deal with sticky subjects like this one, it leads to an amazing level of intimacy. It may be difficult, but the result is well worth the risk.
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It realy heldp me reading your comments. My husband looks at porn and has cheated in the passed. even though he is not cheeting he sneaks and looks at it and i have seen him text other women on her job to tell them they are beautifull. It hurts, and i have allowed past hurs and pains to effect the way i feel about myself. I an not able to get him to understand how it makes me feels when he tells other women how nice they look. It help reading your statements. I am going to try to work on my self esteem issuses alone. I feel alone in my struggle.
I have anew relationship of 4 months and i have found my partners constant looking at other women hurtful. I would say that before this i had an average self esteem and not overly insecure. My initial reactions have been one of hurt and anger, so therefore he continues to do this and invalidate my concerns. He says that he loves me and wants a life together. I want to know how to resolve this between us.
It has bee really bothering me to notice my husband ckecking out other women. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough to keep his attention. I didn’t want to go on about it with out researching it first. I know men are visual cretures and I get that. But some men can take it too far. I don’t think he has done that other than a couple of times. He didn’t think I saw him, but we passed a pool on a drive out of the apartments we live in and he was riding in the back seat. I was in the front so he didn’t know I caught a glimps of him get up almost totally out of his seat to look at a girl in a bikini. It hurt my feelings because I had recently walked around the house in my bra and panties trying to get a reaction and he didn’t seem to notice. So when he did that to look at her I was livid!!! I did tell him I saw what he did and wondered what he does when I’m not around? He finally admitted it was rude and appologised. I think he’s a good guy and wouldn’t cheat, but it still bothers me to think he enjoys looking at other women. I am really trying to get past it.
I have the same problem too. sometimes i think he does it on purpose because i am right next to him!
so i’ve been making no bones about checking out other guys even when i dont want to. I ignore where my husband looks and just look for things that i enjoy. we have stopped fighting over his wandering eye since i changed my reaction.
now i look at other men all the time right in front of him, unfortunately these games doesnt strengthen my love for him.
I read the advice and it really makes me think.. do i really want to follow his advice and stick it out. do i love my husband enough to even try. do i really want to open up this way? after reading the article and knowing that my husband will never change, it’s making me feel that there’s a better man for me out there who takes pride in being respectful. yeah, i want a man like that!!! If i can be respectful then so can my husband. men are capable of that arent they???
Well as everyone in this website. I am a victim of this crapp. I am tired of my husband looking at other ladies. He looks at them when we go to Wal-mart, restaurants and even on special occasions when he takes me out for dinner for my birthday. Oh!!! and to top it off he looks at those stupid magazines with ladies in bikinies that are in the grocery store in the cash register.
We are currently expecting our first baby and to be honest I am just sick and tired of having such a low self steem. I feel so ugly that I cant even change in front of him. I have to go to the bathroom to change. I really just hate being married to him. I just feel like he is constantly cheating on me.
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My husband owns a mechanical contracting business and were in the process of hiring a receptionist, finally they made there decision, so he progressed to tell me about the interview, the one girl who they were not going to hire, was really pretty, so he tells me that all his vendors, and people would swarm around the receptionist, i said what do you mean, he said she was really pretty. So im sorta pissed at him, because it seems like we are all ugly in this office.
I’m 28 years old and my boyfriend does the same thing. He doesnt gawk thank God, but he does look. Especially when he thinks i’m not looking where he’s looking. I’ve confronted him about it many times and explained to him that it really hurts my feelings, and lowers my self-esteem. He didnt get it. But he is good now. Better i should say. But why i’m posting this message is to inform all of you women thinking about leaving your men for this reason” Don’t. There’s no one better out there’ ALL MEN DO THIS. Please dont leave a happy relationship (minus his checking out other women) thinking that you’ll find someone better. because you wont . Ask your girlfriends, sisters, cousins. Even ask a male colleague, family member or friend. they will admit that they do, but it’s beyond their control. Men are visually stimulated. Women are emotionally stimulated. It’s life ladies. It sucks but no matter the man, no matter his age, no matter the circumstance, it WILL happen again. Just take this advice, dont leave him. Just give him a little nudge when he does and move on. Or better yet, just work on your self esteem. One day, it will not bother you anymore. It sucks i know. It makes me feel like shit. But would you rather fighting about it (which could last hours), or ignore it and move on to being happy? If you fight with him about this, it will confuse him, he wont understand. So just ignore it, it will pass. And it will save you from having an argument. I hope this help at leats one of you out there. Good luck, Michelle :)
thank you so so much. this has really helped me. i have heard so much growing up, but have really learned and understood more now that i am older…human nature. i have felt so hurt and helpless. it is a matter or morals and beliefs.
Hi, I posted before in this thread. I am married and he does look – unfortunately he looks at the opposite of what i look like! The only time I get attention from him is right before he wants sex. I try to wear sexy stuff around him and he just looks and does a chuckle. He NEVER tells me that Im sexy and I turn him on. I went out with my mom a few nights ago and I got so much attention! Attention from men that were WITH their women. One older man was leaving and couldnt take his eyes off of me as he followed his wife out the door, the whole time he avoided looking around. I guess they all do.. and when “the other man” ( not mine ) look at me, I feel really good! So ladies, is that what we have to do, give OTHER men attention to get it back because our husbands are bored with us? I read all this advice about “thats how men are.. blah blah” but when researching other advice about women not loving their husbands or not being attractive to him anymore – the advice goes like this ” he’s a great, you have to be gentle to him, love him, don’t worry about looks” What a one way crock of street this male/female crap is. I’m sorry, but if a man doesn’t have control over himself – then he won’t have control over ANYTHING. And if you think a man that makes you feel like shit will make you feel better one day, you’re gonna waste SO MUCH TIME!!! Ladies, if the guy makes you feel like crap – ITS NOT YOU. IT IS HIM. Sorry, but there are a lot of losers out there and unfortunately they are the ones that push a relationship fast – so you won’t have time to see their real selves…. Get to know a man FIRST… These men that talk about other women are ABUSIVE… You are in an abusive relationship… A man who truly loves a woman will be so beautiful to him… Trust me… Don’t let a man ruin your life because your putting up with it
Ladies, if you are feeling hurt in your relationship – GET OUT. Don’t waste another tear on him. You are in control of YOUR LIFE – not some loser. Be strong, be honest with yourself with who makes you happy or not… I’m not saying that anyone can make you happy but they sure can make you feel like crap, don’t they? Ladies, this is a new time. You can find a good man with good morals. But it’s up to you to know the difference between good men and the bad ones. It’s okay, it’s never to late to start a new life.
Who the HECK doesnt look at teh opposite sex!!??? PLEASE! It’s HUMAN NATURE and if you are unable to grasp that, than you have insecurity issues! Dont you look at other good looking men? That,s what we,re talking about here. We’re not talking about treating your partner like crap. We’re talking about men looking at other women. Dont YOU look at other men? Go see a shrink and s/he will tell you the same thing! Everyone looks and you’re crazy to live a life not looking (if you dont)! get over yourselves and dont be so insecure. That’s a turn off. Have self confidence. Everyone looks. Whta – you expect your man to tuck his tail in and look down all the time?? PLEASE. Im so sick of this topic and over a bunch a insecure women. Start loving yourselves, and you wont feel liek “crap” all teh time. seriously – go seek some professional advice or something. Join a gym, start wearing make up. Take care of yourselves. Why cant people LOOK!? GAWD if this is what youre arguing about, it’s apthetic. Thank God it’s nothing worse -
Gee Michelle, you have a way of boosting someone self-esteem! I am joking. Don’t you think you are being a bit harsh. Not everyone can be as confident and assured as you are. Maybe these women have had experiences that make them view things different. Maybe instead of criticizing you should offer constructive advice that they can apply to practical life. These women don’t need another women telling them what they need to be or act.
heyy ladies my names alyssa n i never posted here b4.umm wel im 18 n i had my baby girl at the age of 16.i know for a fact that im pretty every one tells me soo.unfortunatly my man doesnt think soo he tells me im pretty but he makes eye contact with other women.he looks at porn and makes me feel ugly and used.More used then anything and worthless.idk y i stay and put up with it i could say its cuz i love him but how could i love sum1 who always makes me feel ugly.i look at these women and think there fake or ugly i have a nice body green eyes but still he doesnt care.alot of guys always wana talk to me and i avoid them.the only man i want to make me feel pretty doesnt even notice me.it breakes my heart.i hate him 4 it.theres a diffrence from lookin around then makin eye contact.his excuse ‘ill nvr see them again’ ok my advice to u ladies do it to them buy magazines with [comment redacted by Editor].check out cute guys make em feel like they make u feel soo they can no were we are comin from!!!!!!then when they say sumthin tell em how dose it fell
Hey, I’m 22 years old- one year anniversary of marriage next month and I’m 5 months pregnant. Being married is hard- God made it to be hard- it’s called sanctification. It hurts- my heart just breaks when I find out that my husband has sinned against me- but look, I’m not perfect- He’s not perfect. If God can die for me.. forgiving all my sins against Him- through His strength I can forgive my husband in any situation. It’s called love. It’s being faithful til death do us part. I’m willing to work for that and build a stronger relationship with Him. It’s hard. But everything that happens is intended for the good of those who love God. Retaliation isn’t the answer, remember vengeance is the Lord’s… lol. All flesh is like the grass- the grass withers and fades away. The glory of man is like a flower that shrivels in the sun and falls- but the word of the Lord endures forever. This life is passing- it’s a vapor- so keep your eyes on the Kingdom of God. Stay in the love of Christ. Think on honorable, good things- and be thankful for what you have!
God Bless ya’ll
why to accept this behavior? The man has to respect his partner when they are together. No discussion. If he looks another women while you are feeling terrible, He does not care about your feelings. If you told already that it bothers you and he continues anyway, THAT PERSON THAT DOES NOT RESPECT YOU! Is that real love?
what a hunk of crap. i have a hard time believing that i need to provide psychoanalysis for some lud who can’t stop craning his neck. oh baby, why did you look? oh sweetheart.
remember the gentle spirit of a woman is fragile yet strong. when love and devotion come your way, men-it would be wise to concentrate on that beautiful soul next to you. Look into her eyes. Listen to her. Be her man. Choose honor, not deceit.
It’s very simple. You want love, you have to be loving. Looking at every woman, bugging your eyes out, and craning your neck are disrespectful, hurtful, and demeaning to the woman who is sweet and kind and who loves YOU.
i do believe there are men out there that appreciate what they have, mature ones who value what a woman is. I’m so tired of the head games men play, women are being objectified – no wonder women are kept under wraps in other country, we cann’t be beautiful without being objectified. I’m kinda thinking that I’m ready to be single and live alone.
Why is it that when I’m in a relationship I’m expected to be somewhat of a slave, for household duties and be a willing partner for selfish “sex” on his part or as a meal ticket? When I find myself in this position asking myself that question I look at the man I’m with, this is the same type of man that is disrespectful to me.
I believe most men are looking for “free things” they treat women like property, work – work – work – for THEM!!! In one way or another you will work and he won’t help and you’ll feel unloved, if you feel this way, the man does not love you and feels entitled to not give you love or what you ask for, or even beg for.
If you do have a man that wants to work for YOU – chances are that he’s NOT this same kind of creep we are complaining about. Have to find THE GOOD MEN. Not settle for the bad ones, because if we do settle for a bad one, the ones paying the price are the women, in so many soul crushing ways.
Protect your heart ladies. If a man is craning his neck, my advice is to leave them.. Why? because I stayed with this same type of man and eventually they turn abusive. Eventually this type of man will start to resent YOU and feel trapped by having a woman that secretly disgusts him. If you’re wondering why he isn’t romancing you anymore it’s because he resents that he settled for something less than he thinks he deserves, hence his ability to disrespect you, right in front of the whole world to see. Think about it… If you resented your husband or boyfriend wouldnt you start to treat them like crap, even if you weren’t intentionally trying to? Actions speak louder and more truthfully than words. Your heart hurts for a reason, it’s saying “help me” save your heart and save your sanity. If you feel abused you might be with a sociopath. google sociopath and narcissists.
Women are soft and loving yes, and look at the all abuse they suffer, why? Because they are strong enough to handle it and survive. Use your strength in good ways, first by standing up for yourself.. Once you stand up for yourself everything else will fall into place.
Not all men are losers, but majority of them are. Find the keepers, you have to find them, because they aren’t easy to be found. They aren’t the ones gaming women, they aren’t the ones at the bar or club, they are working, doing an activity or at home, like a good man.
I’m sure men say the same thing about women, but come on, statically there are more men who are the abusers not women. Just like there are more good women out there than good men. That’s real life… And if you never find one, that’s okay. Because no man will fulfill your heart like your yourself, your female friends and family, your children and God can. Why do you think men “stick” together, they probably feel like we cann’t fulfill their hearts either, we are not the same.
If you feel like you cant live without a man or are putting up with a man who hurts you, you need to seek professional help, you might have abandonment issues, childhood issues. It’s very important like a poster above said.. to love yourself. No other person can do this but you.
Sorry for rambling on… I hope this helps
I have been married 7 years and am pregnant with number 4. I recently found out through a friend of the family – a guy friend – that my husband “noticed” a “real cute, tall, thin girl” – at church no less. The next week at church, I saw him talking with a pretty girl with long curls right in front of us. She got up to take her two small children out – and his eyes followed her the whole way, which wasn’t a short distance.
This makes me feel like the ugliest, most ridiculous silly girl in the world. First, why didn’t I notice this sooner? Because I did look the other way and give him the benefit of the doubt, like all you are saying. Next time I see him do it, I am going to ask him why he didn’t follow her out and see if her husband was out of town so he could bone her? I feel so stupid that I didn’t see this before. It isn’t okay!! If he is tempted to look, at least out of respect for me he could deny himself. Are men not spiritual beings, or only physical? That is a load of bs. They have the power of mind over matter. They can control themselves – it is NOT impossible. I don’t think that is asking too much.
This article was the first that actually gave me a course of action, and while I want to say that to him, I probably won’t. I will ask him some hard questions, and I will never go out in public with him without wondering. Trust is not easy to rebuild.
“Dave: I learned early on that, like most men, I tend to be visually stimulated and thus easily drawn to notice and be enticed by feminine shapes. I had no issues with pornography, but I needed to learn how to manage my eyes and focus on a woman’s countenance, and not on her body. I had to treat her as a sister, and not store up sexual data that I could use mentally later.”
I think this is what hurts the most. I will ALWAYS wonder if he is touching me and thinking of another woman. I don’t know how to get over that. HOW do you get over that?! I don’t know if I can let him touch me now.
Sorry for the many posts, but my husband, after sister long curls walked out, started stroking my hair. It made me shudder. I hated every second because I knew he was ONLY doing that because he noticed her long gorgeous hair. He hasn’t done that for a really really long time. DISGUSTING!!!
Michelle R,
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. If you would like someone to talk too, we offer free and confidential mentoring. You would be connected with a mentor that has experienced the same things you are going through right now. If you would like a mentor, please fill out this form: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Michelle R,
I have gone through something similar. If you ever want to talk, my e-mail is(I’ve had it since fourth grade :P) [comment redacted, please refer to our Terms of Service]
Ugh, the hair thing, the same thing happened to me, with two different girls…BOTH with super long hair.
But if he stroked my hair, i probably would have bit his hand off. I don’t put up with the looking at other women crap. Neither did my mother, nor my grandmother, nor my great grandmother.
It is SO true that GUYS CAN HAVE POWER OVER THEIR THOUGHTS! What’s with all of the STUPID justifications? We are supposed to be like GOD, right? MAN LOOKETH ON THE OUTWARD APPEARANCE, BUT GOD LOOKETH ON THE HEART! We shouldn’t be looking at people like objects, but like our brothers and sisters. I am going through the same thing with not wanting my husband to touch me. and I’m sorry if this is too much info, but sex is something i’ve always throughly enjoyed, but not now. It makes me sick, and feel used. I would guess that the majority of women who feel this way also have depression. Men are always looking at women, and very SPECIFIC type of women. The majority of women in the world don’t look like models(thank goodness some women eat!) And now these women feel like they need to change their hair, nose, breasts, or whatever! NEVER CHANGE FOR A MAN. If a man doesn’t see you for the priceless jewel you are, then I pray that you’ll find a more godly man. They do exist. Once a woman has had a baby, her body changes. I would know. And your husband should find your body even more amazing. You’ve had his children!
“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, FULL OF LOVE, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father”-Mosiah 3:19(the book of mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ)
Are you saying that if you dont look like the _______ your man is looking at you dont have a chance? Are you saying that you have to have sex with your man all the time even if you dont want to because you know he will look elsewhere?
From what you are saying men are really pigs who cant help it. They want as much as they can get and when they cant get it they go home have sex with their wives thinking of some other woman they’ve seen earlier. Thanks
Comment redacted by website editor. Reason: Language. Please see our Terms of Use
I would like to respond to the Michelle who has the reverse typo issue ~ the girl/woman? who has it all together. I dread the day she falls into deep passionate love and has her partner do the fantasy stare and Miss Fantasy looks at Miss Self Esteem with a huge gottcha! There is nothing worse than the skank who thrives on a man’s saliva drippings to boost her ego. I personally don’t stare/look regardless of the rating of the skin….way more to a human than the flesh that covers the bone …but that’s me! I have no self esteem issues and I find it past disrespectful if a man can’t control his lower brain. When a man cowering behind his wife is getting his “thrill on” me it make me want to shower! Probably due to is usually being the lower class of humans who haven’t uncovered the power of manners!
Girls. This is so honest it hurts. I never realized that so many of us are being treated this way. It really hurts to hear your stories but it also makes me feel better. I have soul mates in every one of you. You are all like sisters to me. My man also checks out other women. He says he looks at other women because I have let myself go and am not much to look at. Not that he looks that great. I gained about 30 pounds from this depo provera shot and so I am heavier than I was when we first met but I am dieting and slowly losing the weight. I took one cycle of HCG injections and was able to lose ten pounds. I have only 17 more pounds to lose before I’m back to my original weight. But it just made me feel so hurt to hear him say that especially when he is way overweight himself. He calls me a bitch all the time and yells at me and holds me down when we get in arguments. He says he is just doing it to keep me contained but it makes it hard for me to breathe and when I was a child I was strangled, and whipped with a belt so when he holds me down like that it brings back feelings of being helpless as a child. I tell him this and he knows I was abused but just it doesn’t matter to him. We’re finally deciding to file for a divorce but I have to live with him till it is finalized because we don’t get a lot of income to afford two places to live. It’s really hard and he makes me feel so ugly when he makes fun of me and says such harsh things to me. I know I do say mean things back to him too but just when he looks at other women and flirts with them when I’m right there, it just really hurts inside. I have such low self esteem already and now I am going to have to live on my own with my own ugly self. I don’t know where I’m going to go and I just feel so alone. Thanks for sharing your testimonials they really make me feel connected to someone!
Lisa
Lisa,
My heart goes out to you. No body should go through what you go through. Above all else, he should not be laying his hands on you in violence. I think once you leave him, I suggest you seek counselling and you will see that this was the best thing for you. Also, you will gain confidence and esteem. Until you can get counselling we offer free and confidential mentoring. If you would like a mentor here is the link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
Ladies, I am so sorry that ANY of us have gone through this. I am at the point that I am ready to leave. My self esteem around HIM (not other men) is shattered and I don’t know if I can ever be the same around him. We’ve been together 2 years in July. It started on my honeymoon morning, as we’re watching TV morning news…I was talking to him but he was transfixed on the TV. He said “What did you say, she (the weather girl with double d’s) was distracting me”. This was followed by him making grunts and moans towards women on the TV in front of me. Staring at breasts/women at the gym, double taking a woman on the side of the road etc, etc. When i would ask him what he ‘said’ or why he was making noises he would never reply. He made constant comments about YOUNG women ie: “Who wouldn’t like to see an 18year old in their pool?”. I mean come on, he has an 18 year old daughter and I have a 20 year old. I stayed somewhat silent over his BS of doing this to me while my self-esteem slowly dissipated for a few months, not believing this was happening to me. Because of my union with this man, my ex filed a child custody motion against me. All this for this man. In between these events, he would get so angry. NOT like the man I had dated and fell in love with. When i started discussing my feelings he would go ballistic saying everything is in my head or “What? Do you think you’re the only beautiful woman in the world?”. It escalated to him being physical and ‘pinning’ my arms hard (bruises) and bear hugging me to where I developed a welt on my arm, and taking my car keys or disabling my car when I want to leave.
He has somewhat changed/altered his behavior over the past several months because he knows I am ready to leave, but I cannot SHAKE all the crap he has done to me. He doesn’t make ‘sounds’ any more, he trys not to look , but honestly I think he has a problem with it. I HATE how he has altered my perception of me around him. When I am out and about without him i exude confidence and I love who I am in Christ. But I think the damage has been done to much for me to continue with him. Plus has he really changed or is he just withholding his natural urges?
Christine my heart goes out to you. No woman deserves to be treated as you have but there is a bigger problem here than just his obsession with other women. Sounds like he has anger and control issues as well. Is he willing to go for counseling? Your relationship is both emotionally and physically abusive and you need to get help.
My boyfriend always looks at other women esoecially now the weather is warmer & wonen are wearing less clothes, it especially upsets me that he goes for the second look when he thinks im not looking ir follows them as they walk & tries to say he was just looking aroubd anyway & not at her. i do dread the way hes looking at or even flirting with wonen when im not around.. We go away to blackpool on monday & if it doesnt stop while where away i definitely wont be going abroad with him later in the year feeling like hes interested in other woman & that im not enough..
Vikki
Vikki, Have you been able to talk to your boyfriend about this? Does he know how it makes you feel? If he thinks it’s harmless and doesn’t realize that it upsets you he’ll have to no reason to stop if you don’t tell him. However, if you have told him, he knows that it upsets you and he still does it, then you have a decision to make. I do not know how long the two of you have been together or where you are in your relationship, but from the sounds of things you are dating and not yet married. Part of dating is figuring out whether or not this person is someone that you could spend the rest of your life with. if you have told him that his behaviour hurts you and he has made no effort to change it – ie no effort to stop hurting you – then you have to decide if this is something you can live with or if this is an indication that the relationship has gone as far as it can.
Greetings all! What a gift from God that I found this website. I’m engaged to be married in September and I’m scared to death for my financee exhibits the “looking at women”, and commenting on how good they look when we are together. The crazy thing is that he is often holding my hand while he is looking.. This is so confusing to me, for I’m feeling good yet bad at the same time.
It’s a akin to giving a dog a bone, and hitting it at the same time( I would never hit a dog). I have discussed this doing our pre-martial counseling to no avail. My thoughts are that its men who are insecure and, need the assurance from other females.. We get caught up in their brokedownness which impacts our esteem. It hurts- often times I can’t wait to come back to my house after our date for I’m mentally drained… What’s also confusing is that he goes to church and know the Bible in/out..and he tells me he loves constantly.
An earlier emailer stated that more sex and looking nice helps- not sure if i agree, for I dress well, trendy, and I’m attractive. Plus, i have found that sometimes after sex, he is more of a lookie loo. Based on all these comments, seems a common problem– I’m so scared of the upcoming wedding, that I will be stuck in another bad marriage!
Thanks all!
Reading all of these comments has helped me feel connected to someone out there. There are not many people I can talk with and there is no one in my life that I would want to talk with about this. I’m a newlywed and 3 weeks before my first year anniversary I found a bunch of things on my husband’s computer, he had been stalking women that we new from church online on facebook and pulling up other pictures of female parts so he could imagine himself with these women from our church group. I also found a bunch of youtube videos about with near nude blonde girls. He admittedly is very attracted to light / fair complexions and light / fair hair. We went through such a rough time after I found all of that and my trust and faith in him was crushed – not to mention my self esteem and haven’t returned to church since then because I couldn’t bare to look at those women.
Also it seemed people from church – older women – that I tried to confide in just made it worse and talked to other people about it. This left both me and my husband feeling pushed away from church. I thought we were working on things but it is so hard to shake the insecure low self esteem. Seems like I’ve been starving myself and going through every new face cream I can find since this discovery. I feel so ugly. The ugliest I’ve ever felt in my life. The most unwanted I’ve ever felt in my life and the most expendable I’ve ever felt. Which is saying something because I had an odd unpleasant upbringing that set those feelings in place.
Yet last night for the first time I witnessed him doing it in front of me. We went out to eat with my sister and future brother in law and he was mad at me because he said I didn’t listen to him well enough on the car ride over to the restaurant. Well we walk in and the hostess is a small blonde thing with fair skin and big blue eyes. My heart sunk as I watched him notice her on more than one occasion as we waited for our table. We waited around 30 minutes for our table – it felt like an eternity to me. I brought it up last night after coming home and a big argument blew up. He said he’s seen me looking at men, but I honestly don’t think that I do or have around him. I am not in the habit of checking out men. HE says yeah he looked a few times but thats all and then attacked me back with my short comings.
I don’t think he heard me that for the first time I saw what he does – gets mad at me and finds a girl to gaze on. He was obviously mad and agitated at me and made it obvious to my sister and her fiance and looked back at the hostess several times. I felt so invisible and unwanted. It makes me doubt how solid our relationship is, or how committed he is to me if he is out scoping prospects the moment he is mad at me. He says he loves me but why would he do that if he does. We were in marriage counseling but I pushed that. I feel like when I don’t push that we don’t go. I spent the whole night thinking about how I could dye my hair blonde. Which made me feel worse. Why is he even with me – why didn’t he just marry one of these blonde girls. I feel like in his mind he settled for me but wishes he had them.
What really hurts is the thought that he stores up the info for later use. I have many times wondered if he was really making love to me or one of his nordic beauties. I feel so invisible and unwanted. And in the way. We have talked about children and this is the only obstacle I have to children with him. How can I have children with a man who isn’t faithful to me – I don’t want to be left alone with his children when I’m in my 40s as he rides off into the sunset with a younger blonder model and that’s always in the back of my brain. I don’t feel safe with him anymore.
I found this site this morning after having a tough time this week with my thoughts.
1) First off, let me just say that those of you above who are talking about guys storing up videos, or looking at porn or commenting on women right in front of you and then arguing with you about it – they need to change that stuff ASAP. If they refuse, you get out of there. I’m not saying divorce right off the bat, but go live with a friend or parents or anything. They have to be broken to change. That’s why the military has a boot camp. We men don’t always get the importance of a need without drastic measures. Look at Jonah.
Remember Jerry Maguire? She had to leave him to get him to wake up. He needed that as he couldn’t get clarity or change in the midst of the day to day relationship. Again, divorce is something God does not like. I’m not saying run that route…but if your husband refuses to change and has the audacity to comment on other women lustfully and argue, freaking leave him.
2) For those with a guy that has some looking or thought issues, but he’s trying to fight them – help him. I understand the crushing self esteem blows you have.
My wife and I have been going through this. She’s beautiful, but I’m also very shallow in some ways, and tend to objectify things. I DO NOT look at women in front of her or when she’s not around. Clarification: do I ever fail, sure, but I’m great at looking the other way. The problem? When it is a friend we hang out with, or her friend or co-worker and I have to be around them a lot. It is very easy for me to compare her which is completely wrong. God said “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” and “if a man looks at a woman to lust after her he has committed adultery…”. But let me tell you, I’ve been on my face before God multiple times crying out to him to have mercy on me and help me change deep down. Remember when Paul said “the things I don’t want to do I do”? What do you think he was talking about? Since he was a guy, thoughts probably were part of that.
Guys that want to change, fear this like hell itself. I left fear grip me. If I hear that my wife is inviting a friend over, I’ll instantly be afraid of what I might think even if I’ve never seen the person before. And then my wife gets that, as we’re pretty open about stuff, then we both feel like crap.
I’m still in the middle of trying to figure out what to do and how to do this. Trying to figure out how to win….I hate it. It makes me hate life.
Thanks Jane,! your comments answered my question and put my mind to rest… Sadly, the reality is that If mental abuse happens before marriage, it most will happen after…. No one deserves this much mental anguish from a husband,, Jesus taught compassion not pain… Keep you head up and be strong….
Last week, i told him about his behavior being painful to me. He requested a couple of days to think about it. Today after Church, we talked and we both ended our proposal today. Yes, I feel sadness, yet I feel relieved… He immediately went home and changed his Facebook from engaged to single – ouch! ill probably be portrayed as a crazed person with trust issues.. Oh well—for in my heart I truly gave him my all these past 4 yours, and he did not me..
Update: Everyone will find what they are comfortable with … I followed some advice from the article by bringing he topic up again. I tried to be less o an accuser and say more of why and how it hurt the trust and life we were building. I also asked why and when he feels compelled to look … As he was angry with me when he did. I also gave him space and told him to think on his answers for a bit so he felt like he could respond well. The conversation went better but I do think we have a ways to go in trust building. Our trust is frail now so anything like this strains an already weak thread of trust. I may give more updates for those reading. Btw concerning his Internet activity I mentioned earlier he has really made an effort to refine his habits and have not seen him doing those things online anymore lately. I believe this was a relapse because he was mad at me and a beautiful blonde was in front of him … Does not excuse anything though. But he has apologized and admitted he was wrong for looking. I may enter more updates for those reading…. And just wanted to be clear that I don’t think my husband has mentally abused me. But it is a working issue.
My husband & I have been married almost 30 yrs. Here is my tale about my husband staring at other women. In the early years it began innocent enough with a glance at other women here & there, and I said nothing at all. He gave me tons of loving attention so a quick look at other women did nothing to damage my self-esteem. Fast forward 10 years. My husband’s staring at other women became more intense, while his attention to me diminished. I began making little off the cuff remarks to try to nip the staring in the bud. I said things like, “yes, nice butt, but quit staring”, & he would look away. Sometimes he would say, “I wasn’t staring”, when it was very obvious that he was. Now, fast forward 20 years. Now, my husband is staring at other women almost constantly. Not glances. His stares involve 1st, 2nd, & 3rd looks, then an up, down, side to side attempt to check out the whole package. He no longer looks at me at all. I am getting older & the women he is staring at are getting younger. How can an older women not have her self-esteem damaged by this. I would try telling him how his obvious staring was affecting me, and it did no good. He would pretend not to look at other women for a day or two & then right back to staring. Now fast forward to my husband & I being married for 25 years. He is now openly staring at other women with me sitting right next to him. If I tried to divert his attention by talking to him, he would pretend to listen, but never even take his eyes off the object of his desire. The women, were very young now, as I got older & older. If we were at a beach, he would try to position himself to look down their bikini tops, or if he saw a woman lift her leg, his eyes would go directly to her crotch, trying to catch a look. I noticed he would stare until he was fully aroused, this was something new. He started watching the show, Cheaters & became aroused watching. One of our neighbors was cheating on his wife & my husband would get aroused watching them make out. By now, I was doing some very dramatic things to divert his attention away from women. I once bounced a shopping cart off a brick building in front of my husband to snap him out of staring at a young women’s crotch as she sat perched on a fence nearby. It was awful. I cried all the time, & was losing all self-esteem by now. Then we hit the 28 yr. mark, & he began watching porn while I slept at night. He no longer approached me for sex. He now had his young women at night & he no longer needed me. I even tried to approach him for sex but he would tell me he was tired. He didn’t realize that I knew what he was doing at night. Finally, I boldly told him I knew everything. In fact, I walked in on him. I told him if things didn’t change, I was leaving him. I told him I couldn’t stand him looking at other women from the beginning but just didn’t say much initially. I told him I couldn’t stand anything that he was doing where other women or porn were concerned & it needed to stop. I told him I would even ask his family for help if I needed to. It has been 2 years now, and in those 2 years, he is a much better husband than he’s ever been. Why didn’t I do this yrs ago, before his behavior progressed into something so awful, and he became a husband I couldn’t stand. Ladies, you don’t have to accept it. And yes, it wil affect the way you feel about yourself, especially as you get older. Don’t accept it. Do something about it now. If he really loves you he will stop as my husband did. If he doesn’t stop, then he really doesn’t love you. I wish I had confronted him seriously, long ago. We would have had so many more yrs. of loving each other, and I wouldn’t have so many bad past memories to deal with. Of course the bad things stil affect me even now, and occasionly, my husband will give a completely innocent glance at a woman, and be hit with my loud accusations. Old habits die hard. But really, we are learning to love again, znd I have found happiness with my husband again. Do something with your husbands before you go down this road. Even though ours sounds like a happy ending. It took 30 long years to get there, and they were not happy years. I urge you to act now to get a handle on your husband’s wandering eyes.
I too try to get my man’s attention with lingerie. The only time he’s affectionate is when he wants sex. When we are out and about and it could be any where, he notices all females especially ones that don’t look any thing like me and stares. I’m sorry but knowing that I work hard and spend my money on a rat makes me ill. It makes me so ill, I have never had anyone make me feel so ugly and unwanted. I hate him. I never had this insecurity with previous husbands. I don’t think it’s about my insecurities, it’s him. Just like strange people can have “bad vibes” why should i stay with in a relationship with bad vibes? It’s like driving a car everyday and you’re wondering when it’s going to break down on you. It’s no way to live. With porn, sexually enticing dress that women wear to attract men, how can we cope with this. No wonder women in other countries are covered up. But would that even solve the problem? I have no found a good, honest, wholesome man ever, if I did I probably thought he wasn’t attractive. I rather take a loving respectable man than a man with looks who thinks every woman wants him. I’m in my late thirties and I’m starting to realize, I don’t need a man, or ANY man in my life.. or any PERSON to make me feel like im in bad company. I have my family and friends and they never hurt me in those ways. I’m starting to think after having children, no need for a man anymore, especially when I’m always fronting the bill because he’s endlessly broke. sorry venting
Dear Tammy,
I hear your pain, you want to be appreciated and loved for who you are. Not compared to someone else. But you said ” Just like strange people can have “bad vibes” why should i stay with in a relationship with bad vibes?” the reason why you should stay in this relationship because you made a commitment when you said your marriage vows. Marriage is work, and its not going to be a bed of roses. I am not saying that you should stay in a relationship where your safety and health is at risk, but do you think that this is something that you guys can work through? It takes a willingness on both parts to not give up. We offer free and confidential mentoring if you would like to talk with someone. Here is the mentoring link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
This is a difficult situation.The husband’s infidelity is certainly going to ruin his relationship with his wife.If the couple has children,the children’s relationship with their father would also be ruined.So the wife should get a divorce,rather than let the husband’s infidelity tear her marriage to pieces.
I have been with my now fiance for almost 2 years and we are getting married next year. I love him so much and I believe he loves me .. I prayed for a long time that the Lord would bring me a man who would love me and to be married. But I didn’t know all the hurts that would come with being with someone. My fiance always looks at other women too. In the beginning, he didn’t at all. He said I was enough and I believed him because I would watch to see if he did it. But now, it’s constant looking. He waits until I’m walking in front of him or my back is to him and he thinks I don’t know. But I always see out of the corner of my eye and I know the way he does it. I never want to go out anymore and if we do I feel like I have to look perfect and wear something short or tight or low-cut to hope that I will be the one he watches. But it isn’t enough. The other day it was some girl in a tight dress that showed her whole butt. I turned my back because I knew what he would do. It is hurting me so much. I love him but I don’t know if I want to get married into this. I can’t handle it. It makes me cry all the time. It makes me feel invisible and ugly. Sometimes I try to remember that Jesus eyes are always on me. His eyes never stray to the half dressed girl beside me .. that I’m perfect and beautiful in His sight. And that does make me feel better. But then I go to see my fiance and his eyes are wandering. I don’t care if men are made different there is NO excuse for that behavior. Christian or not, young or old, NO excuse. You either want to be with your women and love her and respect her .. or you want to be a dirty single man who looks all your life and has nothing and no one. That is how I feel.
Dave and Donalyn,
Your advice does not feel right, to me. The bottom line is….no excuses! I’ve noticed for a long time now that my husband has looked at other women. One time, when we were about 5 yrs married, he left his business suit on after work because I told him that a new friend of mine was coming to look at some garage sale stuff. I told him that she was very nice, had 3 children, felt bad about herself, but, I couldn’t figure out why because she was very pretty. I guess that is the only thing that stuck in his mind “she is very pretty”. Usually he gets out of his monkey suit right away when he comes home from work. Instead, he stayed in his suit to impress her! He even came in the garage, pretended to look at our “for sale lawn mower” and quickly stopped once he saw her coming up the driveway. Yeah, he wanted to look good for a stranger! He even stayed with me to talk to her. She had nothing to offer his ears.
Then a woman, about 24 yrs of age, came to our garage sale by herself. She was about 200lbs, about 5’2″ and was neat, however, she was just an average girl…you could tell she was struggling monetarily. He didn’t even notice her. I did. I gave her some stuff for free. It turned out she had a newborn at home. Although that was the first time my husband’s “looking” was noticed, at that point I realized that he probably did it more when I was not around. Yeah, this hurt!
Before I married my husband, I had my choice of 3 men who wanted to marry me. I turned many heads. It was fun! I was young and it was innocent. My sister is very pretty, too! We had the men waiting on us any time we went out. Then, I met my husband. He was different. He pursued me, but, didn’t cry all over me. He was strong. He loved God…he didn’t curse or drink…was very respectful…and sincere. I can’t take that away. He’s quite handsome,too, He told me when we were living from pay check to pay check…”don’t worry about us getting married with no savings…money can always be made”. I was blown away and trusted him. To this day he is a successful business owner. He still loves God, I can tell. However, he still struggles with “surveying the scene”.
I’m married now 24 yrs and just this past Father’s Day, we went out to dinner with our teenage children. We were having a good time, as usual, my family is funny. Then, it was when a young hostess came to our table, that I quickly saw my husband check her out! It happened suddenly…and at the point that I was just lifting my head from looking down at my plate. He not only looked at her, but, when she walked away, he checked out her butt! I was so hurt and humiliated at this point! He did it in front of my 17 yr old daughter, but thankfully, she didn’t notice. He knew I saw it. I was deeply offended. I then proceeded to throw a shrimp tail at him from my plate. I wished it was a whole JUMBO shrimp…that would have made a BIGGER STATEMENT!! But, I had to make sure my children didn’t see an overreaction on the outside. He got the message! I didn’t touch him that night after his advances to me…I told him what I saw…I told him not to touch me…for now…I couldn’t stomach it…I needed time…to hurt…think…feel…rationalize..forgive? Same thing over again…I couldn’t even talk to God…I was hurt with Him, too…that He has not put a stop to this…that he could have magically made my husband obey!? That God could make the ceiling fan over our table just fall on my husband’s head! It’s quite funny, yet somewhat scary, that I wanted him to feel pain…the same crushing pain that I was suddenly feeling deep inside my ripping heart!
I am 46 now. I’m starting to see some “maturity” on my face…some laugh lines…somewhat thinner hair…that horrible…genetic cellulite! I am very physically fit and men still notice me. Not that I care. They even hit on me at work. It nauseates me. I wish I could scream at them and say “get lost loser…you have a wife at home!” But, as a manager, and leader, I need to always be “professional”. I just get the subject back on track to business conversation. They get the message quickly, and being somewhat “uncomfortable”, they then make an award joke. How stupid!
I question if my husband flirts with other women when I’m not around, but, I guess I’ll never know until it’s by accident. He does look though. I have talked to him about it…trying to understand…”why do you do it” and “do you realize you’re doing it”, and “does it make you feel satisfied”, and “do you need to feel important, attractive, wanted, younger?’…”do you wish you could “play the field”, “sample someone else”, “someone different beside the same woman for 24 yrs?” I tried to talk it over and his only reply is that he’s sorry….he doesn’t mean to offend me…it’s just that he likes to look at all kinds of people because “people are interesting”. Oh, please…then why can’t he look at a woman who is 300lbs with greasy hair?
It’s just still there…after all these years…and I just pretended to not see it. Sometimes I say to myself “I could do the same thing” but…honestly…that doesn’t make me feel any better. I love my husband…he tells me I am the love of his life. I’m tired…of being hurt.
Sport’s Illustrated has their swimsuit models in their magazines. They can get pretty “porn-like”. I told my husband yrs ago that those pictures are inappropriate to have in the house and he needs to just get rid of them…tear out just the photos…so our young children do not see them. He agreed.
So, over time….life goes on…and we start making excuses. Today’s SI models literally have painted-on clothing! You can see their modified, large breasts…protruding nipples through the paint…that classic come hither look that only says “don’t you want to cheat and have sex with me”! I never knew this until yesterday! The magazine was in the bathroom. I was just glancing through it…and lo and behold….two full page photos of boobs, nipples, and exposed thong with the crack in the butt displayed for the world to see!
I was so hurt…livid! How disrespectful! I confronted him…I tore out the pages…showing him how inappropriate it was to our family… and hurtful it was to me! I told him that “how would you feel if I had a woman’s magazine…say “GQ”… and they had painted a g string over the model’s penis? I said there was no difference! I said this to him…in a voice that was angry…shakey…no yelling or crying…just matter of fact and firm. I visually showed him “you need to do this…”… “and set the example for your family”, I used my hands… and I tore up the pages in front of him! I told him it disgusted me. That I don’t know why he is so okay with it. I left the room and never came back until I knew he was asleep. I didn’t even want to look at him!
It makes me question and doubt myself…am I too old for him now…at 46? Being younger does look prettier…I was there once, too! I hate when he looks at other women thinking I don’t know it! I hate it when he keeps inappropriate pictures of other women! I hate it when he stays up until 2:00 in the morning online. He doesn’t come to bed the usual time anymore. I can imagine what he is doing. I don’t spy on him, but please…log off your website before you turn it off! Because when someone goes to turn it on…the previous page is hitting us right in the face! (My husband stinks at understanding the computer). It turns out the website had his old high school pictures of past “loves”. I know they were old girlfriends. He goes on “classmates.com” or something like that…and he’s “looking”. He was in his teenage years and he probably slept with these girls. He’s reminiscing every freckle and curve…and private parts…he’s reliving sexual encounters with past flames. Then he comes to me?!?! Sorry buddy….
He’s a “looker”, likes to “get an eyeful”, a “rubbernecker”, sadly he gloats…he’s a cyber cheater…plain and simple! I am at a time in my life where I don’t care anymore. I could do without the hurt, mainly because the hurt is truly psychological AND emotional abuse! He needs to think about life alone…in his middle-aged years. He needs to think about life alone with the freedom to “scan the view” all he wants. He needs to imagine life without the “love of his life” not being next to him in the morning or when he get’s sick. Truth is…I would be going through the same thing…it’s a no win situation…but, can I do it? Maybe…I like people in my life…he says he’s a loner…well, go ahead lone wolf…I have no problem opening up my life. Think about that…it’s not over until God takes us.
I just want to be with my children and my future grandchildren. I want to have barbeques and friends over. I think what he really needs is to learn respect! But..c’mon …is he really going to learn at 50? I should have nipped this in the bud after my 3rd child. I should have moved on and kept my self-esteem. I love my life…for the most part, I’m happy…especially with my children…my job…my walks on the beach…what I can give back to society by volunteering…I like people…and yes…I know if I wanted to…I could find another man…somehow that feels gross to think about now…but, all I want to do is continue to be happy and live without the hurt…just like anybody else.
So, you see, Dave and Donalyn…I think…at some point in our lives…we are done with the talking and understanding…we need healthy thinking for ourselves..we need to cut to the chase…and tell it like it is. “What you are doing by watching other women…dear husband…is WRONG…plain and simple…and it hurts…and is nauseating…and I don’t see you in the same light anymore!” I have grown…and changed with time…I see the world and the life around me with more mature eyes. I have much to offer life…to anybody who comes my way…I can teach…I can love…I can learn…I can share…hope…I can make a difference!
Besides…doesn’t God have our lives planned out to begin with?…He knows what will happen to us. He says He will not give us anything more than what we can handle. To tell you the truth….I know deep in my heart…that God wants me to feel and be loved…without making excuses…without the hurt.
Thanks for listening…it’s very therapeutic!
In God’s hands,
Mandy
Dear Mandy,
I am so happy that you found comfort in laying your thoughts and feelings out. My heart goes out to you and I hear your pain. You are doing the right thing in going to God to find your love and worth. It is sad and in no way I am giving your husband an excuse but we are human and we are all sinful. We are not aware of how our actions hurt others or even God. Doesn’t the Apostle Paul say that he does the things he wishes not to and not the things he should do. I have learned that we can not control someone’s actions, we cannot prevent them from hurting us but we can work on us and how we handle trouble in our own lives. You are a daughter of the King Mandy, you are more precious than silver and gold and your husband may not treat you like that but you can treat yourself that way. I understand that when we can’t control the hurt that is being directed towards us we can feel powerless, but in reality we have all the power in the world, Jesus Christ. I am not saying I have all the answers and I am just like you, “trying to figure out” what the Lord is trying to teach me but I do know that if you keep seeking the Lord, he will show you. I know this is a long journey and hard to do it alone, we offer free and confidential mentoring, and if you would like a mentor, just fill out this form: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
Mandy, I will be praying for you.
Sincerely,
Leah
Wow, Leah….
I’m so very touched that you took the time out to read my extremely long post! I really didn’t plan on getting a response, so…I just typed away. Truth is….your reply finally made me….cry. Last time I cried like this is when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2006 and I begged God to just let me finish raising my children to where I know they’re secure. I’m not trying to sound like a pity party. Nobody is exempt from trials and tribulations. I realize now….wow….the pain is so very deep! Obviously, I love my husband very much, or else it wouldn’t hurt so much.
It makes sense when you say we can’t control the next person. I heard that time and again, but, I’m kidding myself if I think that I ever believed it. I felt God’s love through your post…got that warm feeling again telling me He is right here…listening…taking care of me…working his kindness through you.
I’m ready to check out your website…look for me…even if you’re not assigned to being my mentor. I’ll go on tonight. I want to be free. Thanks, Leah.
In Christ, Mandy
Dear Mandy,
I am so very pleased I was able to help. In truth, responding to your comment helped me. You see, before I responded to your comment, I was having my own pity party, wondering why God was not doing what I had asked him and disappointed in the answer he had given me. My heart was hurting just like yours, as I typed the words to comfort you, I realized I had to take my own advice. I will continue to pray for you, and I pray that the mentor that you get will speak words that will comfort and help you on your journey.
Sincerely,
Leah
Men will always look at other women besides their wives…there is a different between looking lustfully with desire and just a look..The societies we live in now are oversexualised..most adverts will have a naked or half dressed woman next to it..advertisers know that man are visual stimulated..Women dont help either by going on in life half naked….Most wives who are worried about their men looking at females…i suggest to them they should live on their own and not remarry bcoz they will never find a man who doesnt look and admire other females…all married men out there lets try not to look especially when our wives are with us…
Well Tyron, thank you so very much for what seems to be a hard, yet sincere, reply. So, bottom line is…..it’s never going to be a win-win situation….and I think you’re right. Leah said it, too. You can’t change anybody, but yourself!
Your comment…”all married men out there, let’s TRY not to look, ESPECIALLY when our wives ARE WITH US”….really hit home! Hmmmm……okay…I think Tyron, that you did wives a justice! You very kindly put us on a fair playing ground. Thank you for telling us the convenient way men justify their actions. Please, I’m not trying to sound sarcastic…I sincerely mean…thanks.
It’s very strange how even Dave said in his article that women need to ensure that we take care of ourselves!! Okay, Dave. Agree, but, what if…this was the case. FYI: My husband is overweight…has a huge belly…only shaves when he goes to work…and seriously needs to start dressing at least casually neat when we go out! MEN OUT THERE NEED TO ENSURE THEY TAKE BETTER CARE OF THEMSELVES TOO, DAVE! My husband said he knows that he could take better care of himself for “health reasons”. Which I’m okay with, being that I have a bachelors in nursing, I know the risks. Neither one of us drinks ethoh, smokes, or does any “recreational drugs”.
On the other hand, I am an avid volleyball player on an A-league co-ed team for the past 15 years! I am very physically fit thanks to my local gym…and ALWAYS look nice when we go out thanks to my upbringing. Although this woman here can still turn heads, I firmly believe that a person is MOST attractive when they let kindness show on the inside and out. Continuing with life-long education is a plus, too. Not just sitting on a couch eating ice cream while watching endless sports and news on tv.
I even like Dennis’ post, too! So, I think the bottom line is….us wives need to start checking out the scene, too! Why not…it’s never going to change anyway…right? Who are women kidding? LADIES, IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE…AT LEAST NOT UNTIL THEY GET OLDER AND MAY GET VERY SICK…GOD FORBID WITH A LIFE CHANGING EVENT…AND THEY’RE SCARED…SCARED TO BE ALONE AND GUILTY THAT THEY PUSHED AWAY TRUE LOVE WHO COULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT THERE BY THEIR SIDE IN THEIR OLD AGE! We’re all going to get older, weaker, and closer to meeting our maker…think about that real hard.
Maybe Michelle (above “harsh” post) had it right all along! My eyes are open now…it really is okay for us wives to look, too! Like the rest of you men…we can just ask God for forgiveness…every time…yeah…that will fix everything! This is the only solution. Ladies, we need to start checking out the next hunk…but please….TRY never to do it in FRONT of your husbands! It’s so much easier to do it behind their backs…and is far more polite! Life can be bliss both ways!!!!!
This is just my opinion…at least at this time…so, honestly…I mean no disrespect. One cannot read body language by computer. :)
Yours truly,
Mandy
Tyron, I think you started out right on when you reminded us that yes, men and women are wired differently and that is something that we can’t change. However your admonition to married men is also good….that married men shouldn’t look or take a second or third look, at other women, ESPECIALLY not when their wives are with them!!
Mandy, you also make a good point that yes, it is important for us as wives to take care how we look but it’s hard when we do and husbands don’t seem to care…Hardly fair is it? But having said that, it’s life, and nagging an overweight husband will never induce him to change, so as Leah said, we can only take care of ourselves. So let’s concentrate on that area since it’s really the only thing we can truly change.
Hi Doris,
I really can’t see your post on this website that you sent in my email, but, I appreciate your input. Thanks for your initial support. If I came off that I “nag” my husband…because of his weight (how shallow is that!)…then you really don’t know me. I know my posts are too long, sorry. But, it is a condensed version of an issue. It doesn’t mean someone is unhappily married. Love can feel so good and yet it can hurt so bad at times. No perfect marriage, but, 24 yrs has gone by too fast…we need more time. Hopefully, you can read between the lines and see that this couple love each other dearly.
BTW…my husband is the one who came to me and asked me how I can help him, as a nurse, with his back problems, high cholesterol, and re-occurring headaches. I think that’s why he has never worked at his health…mainly because I don’t say anything to him unless he asks. “Nagging” could harm someone’s self esteem and that’s not what I’m about.
He said he’s too comfortable and needs to change his life. Motivation is not easy. I don’t think anybody would not help someone they love when they have the knowledge. There are crisis situations every time I go to work. I see it first hand…Doris…heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, diabetes…lot’s of pain, tears and regrets…especially when they know that they could have done something. Truth is…the entire family suffers. That’s sad…that’s reality….and it’s even sadder when we see that our patient’s are getting younger. Teaching helps, though…and it’s what they drive in our heads in nursing school. We call it preventative health care.
BTW…Doris…I know you meant well, but…when somebody opens up after 24 yrs of bottling everything in…that they write such a long, heartfelt post…trust me…they don’t want to be criticized unfairly. I wonder why it is okay for Dave to have any opinion about women ensuring they take care of themselves and when a women says it…it is all of a sudden bragging or “nagging”. Strange.
My last post showed some frustration…and the unfairness that I see. I regret this candidness. I rather go back to not saying anything at all. I thought this was a dead website until Leah responded so sweetly. I really don’t think anybody means harm when we say what we feel. As long as it is kept decent.
I thank you and Leah. I really believe you both have a nice ministry. You’re both kind and compassionate. It’s very rewarding… isn’t it! I wish all the men and women here life long love and respect. I know you own the rights to these posts…meant to be.
Thanks for your honesty Mandy. Let me clarify…I wasn’t in any way implying that you were nagging your husband because of his weight. That was more just me stating what I have found to be true in my life. For years I went to the gym and walked three times/week and yes, nagged my husband about getting exercise and losing weight…but I learned that it didn’t help. Not until he himself decided to get off the couch. I didn’t mean to criticize at all…my apologies to you if that is how it sounded. I was agreeing with what you said about men needing to take better care of themselves, and also agreeing with what leah said that we can only change ourselves. Hope that clarifies my earlier comments.
I am so glad that you take the time to visit the site, read the articles and the comments and post….much appreciated!