My husband checks out other women
I often notice my husband checking out other women. When I confront him about it, he says that there’s nothing wrong with looking, and he has no intention to do anything more. Am I right to be concerned, or am I overreacting?
Advice:
Dave: Early in our marriage, it came as a real surprise to me to discover that I could still be attracted to another person, even though I was newly and happily married. I felt perplexed and besieged by guilt when I found myself noticing other women during that first year of marriage. I had a gorgeous wife and we had a great sex life together, so it was like, what’s the problem here?
Donalyn: As wives, we need to remember that we don’t think like our men on most things. A great first step is to have an honest conversation with your husband and attempt to discover how he thinks. How do you think, Dave?
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Dave: I learned early on that, like most men, I tend to be visually stimulated and thus easily drawn to notice and be enticed by feminine shapes. I had no issues with pornography, but I needed to learn how to manage my eyes and focus on a woman’s countenance, and not on her body. I had to treat her as a sister, and not store up sexual data that I could use mentally later.
Donalyn: This can be hard for a woman to hear, because it’s so foreign to our own thinking. This fixation on looks can seem so shallow to us. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean this visual attraction is bad. It’s how men are wired. In fact, it can be a very good thing – it’s probably one of the things that attracted your husband to you in the first place. But you still have to share your concerns.
Dave: You need to let him see how this is affecting you. Rather than coming at him with guns blazing, which would push him away, open up your heart and tell him how it makes you feel when you see him looking at other women.
Donalyn: First you need to come to grips with your own feelings. It may help to write down the emotions you experience when you notice him doing this, so you can sort through it and decide what needs to be shared with your husband. And go beyond your surface feelings to see if there are deeper issues underneath. Ask yourself why this really bothers you. Are you insecure with how you look? Are you uncertain about your friendship with your husband? Do you question his faithfulness? If you have underlying insecurities, you will need to work through that even as your husband deals with his issues.
Dave: The way in which you confront your husband on this is critical. This is a difficult, private matter for most men, and if you approach it from the wrong direction, he will probably shut right down.
Donalyn: So because this will be difficult, start by trying to understand where he’s coming from on this. Reassure him of your love and commitment to him, and then have the courage to ask clarifying questions. Ask him why he looks at other women. What does he notice most? Does he think about them later? Does he feel in control over what and who he looks at? Does he have a problem with second looks and having to scope out the whole package? While you need honest answers to these questions if you’re going to work through this together, be patient and as supportive as you can be throughout the process.
Dave: Let me be clear that the fact that men are visually drawn to women does not make it okay to engage in lustful looks. It is not a wise practice for any man who wants to protect his marriage, and in many cases it can be an issue of sin. Jesus said that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28). So while your husband is likely being honest when he says he has no intention of doing anything beyond looking, the act of looking can still be a problem, especially if he is replaying it in his mind later. Not only that, but in this situation he is not even trying to be discreet about it when you’re around, and that is cause for concern. If he freely looks when you are with him, how bold is he when you are not present?
Donalyn: Ask your husband what needs are being met in him as he looks at other women. The truth is, this behaviour could be a sign of other issues: his dissatisfaction with you and the marriage, a problem with pornography, or fantasies about being with other women. Hopefully this is not the case with your husband, but it is better to address it now than to wish you had later.
Dave: There are also some steps you can take individually or as a couple to reduce the temptations for your husband going forward. Work together to ensure that you have a regular and mutually-fulfilling sex life. Meet one another’s needs so that neither one of you is tempted to have them met elsewhere. I know that when Donalyn and I are not sexually intimate for a period of time, I find it easier to have my mind and eyes carelessly and inappropriately wander. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but the easier you can make it on your husband, the better it will be for both of you.
Donalyn: Take advantage of your husband’s visual orientation by making yourself as appealing to him as you can. It’s so easy to put the effort in to look good for other people, while failing to make it a priority for our spouse. They are the ones we should be trying to impress! And we all feel better about ourselves when we look our best.
Dave: It would also be helpful to get an outside perspective. With your husband’s permission, ask some other men whom you both respect what they think about the issue. In fact, if your husband is open to it, encourage him to get into an accountability relationship with another man. When two men spur one another to love their wives and honour God, it’s a powerful thing. Iron sharpens iron!
Donalyn: A great marriage is built on a foundation of transparency. These issues are not easy to discuss, but be patient. Be less threatened, and more focused on working with him to face the issue, without excusing it. As a husband and wife drop their guards and begin to really deal with sticky subjects like this one, it leads to an amazing level of intimacy. It may be difficult, but the result is well worth the risk.
I don’t think that Dave and Donalyn are saying that you just have to put up with it, Lisa. I think one of the things they are trying to suggest is that most men who show this kind of disrespect are not doing it to be disrespectful and are unaware of how it impacts their wives. So rather than make this another brick in the wall between a husband and wife, how can you use this to bring you closer together, working as a team to deal with the issues that your marriage faces? Yes, the goal is to see your husband change the way he ogles other women, but also the goal is to change a wife’s insecurity in her marriage. Reacting in anger and hurt is less likely to achieve those goals. Finding a way to unite together to strengthen this part of your marriage is much more likely to draw the two of you in a deep love for one another.
I couldn’t disagree more about Dave and Donylyns comment that ‘trying to change him won’t go very far, etc.’. Not many of us are trying to change our men, we just hate the disrespect they show when they check out other women in front of us. It’s rude. Why should we have to change and just put up with it? So, if neither side feels the need to change, the marriage meets a moot point and nothing is ever resolved.
I agree with Dave and Donalyn on this one. In any relationship you cannot change the other person. All you can do is create an environment that gives them every opportunity to change. That means talking with your husband about how it makes you feel when his attention is so easily drawn to other women’s outward appearance. Clearly stating how you are impacted will be a big part of how that will be understood by your husband. Also the tone of your conversation will make a big difference. Is this going to be a conversation where your husband is going to feel like it is you against him or will he feel like this is an issue that both of you are going to work on together. One way that you might accomplish this is by recognizing your part in the equation and starting there. “Honey, I am struggling with feelings of jealousy and insecurity in our relationship. When you check-out other women I find myself feeling anxious that you are looking for someone better than me. I need your help in fighting these feelings.” You might choose different words but you see how it reframes the issue away from something that the husband is attacked for to an issue that you need help with. In many cases your husband will be much more receptive to that. From there the two of you can talk through how you can work together to battle those feelings of insecurity. Maybe there will be a phrase that you can say in the moment that will be a trigger for your husband to realize that you are feeling anxious and that he has a prepared response to build you up. Maybe something like, “Honey, tell me that you love me.” which reminds him to say, “Sweetie, you are the only girl for me. I love you with all my heart.” If the two of you can work out this pattern prior to the situation then when you are in the moment you avoid all the tension and can respond together realizing that this is a team effort to strengthen your marriage.
The other thing that I think comes out of the realization that you can’t change your husband is that there is someone who can. The Bible tells us that, “those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did.” (2Corinthians 5:17-18) Jesus can change your husband’s heart and He can also change your heart. One great example of that kind of change in a couple is told by the Scruggs http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again. When you are a follower of Jesus your security isn’t in a fallible person like a husband or wife, but it is in the supremely trustworthy Creator who has promised to never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). He is the one who works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). If you want to find out more about how Jesus can make a difference in your life and your marriage have a look at this site http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose and talk with one of our online mentors. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
All family all life have problem I thought that only me
I feel like my husband do not respect me at all, he sits across the street and drink
with are neighbors and they are females and he also gives them a lift to the store.
when I tell him about this he tells me that I need to mind my business. what should
i do.
I really am amazed by all that I have read and how widespread this problem really is! I thought I was the only woman in the world that feels the way I do about this. Come to find out, I am sooo not alone! I would look around the room to see if other men were disrespecting their wives or girlfriends as well, but nope, that was not the case at all. So I did what most women do as a knee-jerk reaction. I called him on it…Nope that didn’t work either. So then I did what some women might do as well. I turned it inward and made it my own private hell. It is not the way the Lord intended it to be,of that I am sure. After about two years of blaming myself for whatever it was I believed he wanted in life that seemed to not include me..uh at least during our excursions that definitely did not make me feel “all warm and oogy inside”, if you get my drift…I felt anything but. I stopped going places with him. It killed my spirit and that nearly killed me as well. How could I allow the devil to have that much power over me? I blamed myself and hated myself for not being able to have the respect in public from my partner I obviously desperately needed and deserved. I even tried the staring at men as well…Nope that didn’t work either…Two wrongs do not a right make…..What was left to do? I did pray the whole time as well. I prayed to the Lord to find a way to help us both somehow. Eventually because I became so obsessed with his blatant behavior and my inability to deal with it that I thought about breaking up with him after three 1/2 years together.I was clearly miserable and boy did it show. I was not a willing sexual partner anymore. I was sad and lonely and felt sooo betrayed by this man whom had initially promised me the moon. How does this work? It must be me. No, it was not like this in the very beginning, so it had to be something I did or said or didn’t do or say………correct? Nope that wasn’t helpful to me either. By my turning away from him, he did indeed turn to another woman and actually told me our being together was not working for him anymore and he wanted to be single again. I was devastated of course. I didn’t know if the Lord was giving me unanswered prayers or not, but I was not going down without a fight. The “other woman” turned out to be the next door neighbor! I know her to be a divorced mom with a little girl and a string bikini and batches of chocolate chip cookies that she would send over via my boyfriend’s 11yr old daughter. Love thy neighbor took on a whole new meaning for me then and there. Here we were being torn apart,and by what? For what? This was not a fly-by-night relationship after all….we had a history here, but I guess one of us forgot to remember. My boyfriend and I have known of each other for about 25 years now. His wife and my best friend were cousins. We would see each other at different functions for my friend’s extended family. He had a beautiful wife, two sons and a daughter, a great job and a seemingly great life. His wife suffered from severe depression and self medication took her life. I came into his life about a year after her death. A widower with three young kids. I am 7 years older, but my children have long since grown. I had just left my bi-polar husband(second marriage)for the 5th or 6th time to try and have a life for myself for once in my 50 + years. The greatest love that has yet to be told had to practice the toughest love of all to leave him. I could not help my poor sick husband if he did not want to be helped. He found another girl right away. They had a baby together, while still married to me. I was nearly one year into my relationship with my boyfriend when my husband committed the most horrible suicide imaginable, his baby girl barely 2 months old. It is clear to see God’s perfect plan here. We supported each other through so much, so what the hake happened? It took me a month to pack up all my belongings to move 700 miles away to live with my sister. Before I left ladies, I decided to kill him with kindness. I became the girl that he remembered. What the heck, I had nothing to lose and nothing to gain! He responded favorably to my advances and he was happy I was taking things so well. He was coming and going as he pleased and promised to wait for my departure to really pursue his new found interests. I was kind and sweet and available. I was gentle and loving and kind. And I genuinely meant it. I felt free to love and share my spirit again once I knew that I was no longer bound by the devil I knew. I even remember thanking him for having been such a sweet and wonderful man. That gave him great pause for reflection, let me tell you! I left after a month and it only took two weeks before my boyfriend was calling to tell me he missed me so very much! I dearly love this man and his children too. I believe the Good Lord has a plan that is still under construction. I came back to him and we are still on shaky ground because guess what? You guessed it…HE STILL LOOKS! My advice to men…How do you make your garden grow? Do you care for and nuture it or do you think it’s self-watering and feeding? Imagine if all the time that women were spending writing about this one simple non-rocket science thing were spending it with you because you were tending to the garden you chose to be with or marry or call your own? You can’t have it both ways. You can glance but not stare. That is and will always be disrespect. My advice to women is to kill them with the kindness and don’t be afraid to tell them you are feeling less than perfect when they do it. Tell them the next time you are alone that you love them and will always be there for them. I pray for an understanding of some types of human behavior, none of which I can control in others, but I can control how I react to it. God Bless loving men and their beautiful women!
My husband and I have been together for 3 years and we have only been married for a year and I’m always catching him going on these different website looking at women that have a larger frame than I do. I am a nice size and have had lots of compliments. I’m in love with my husband and do need another man telling me that I am pretty. I try talking to my husband about this problem,he will stop for a very brief moment but seems to start back. I’m running out of options with him. I feel like if I was downloading Naked guys then we will have a big argument. I’m trying to save my marriage. This is my first and my last. Something MUST change. SOON!
well… I agree that men who are committed to a woman should have some decency at least not to lust too much. But looking in the direction of a beautiful woman shouldn’t make you jealous, because that doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with her. He is admiring her beauty, the same way we admire other women when nobody is looking. as for pornography.. I don’t know, men are wired differently than woman, but when I was watching too much pornography as a teenager it was because i wanted to feel an orgasm unlike the amount of trouble i put into fantasizing something sexual and I never reached an orgasm from my boyfriend. Though as a Christian God has freed me from pornography, but i understand why some people watch pornography and it’s not because he finds the other women better (though sometimes they do) it’s because his missing something sexual from your relationship and porn seems to arouse that missing part. But of course God does not want us to watch porn, because its lusting and scripture says that men should respect women because they are fragile. yes, we are fragile but scripture also states that we shouldn’t allow jealousy, so how is this possible? we are only human after all right?
Well, it doesnt help reacting with anger and jealousy when your husband ogles at another woman. It only worsens the problem, men tend to be spiteful creatures. Only God knows why, but if you constantly fight about it, he will search for understanding somewhere else and he will be spiteful and react badly by flirting and staring even more. so how do we handle this situation then?
well, we pretend like we don’t notice. we start admiring others beauty instead of our own. We compliment other women in our heads and admire what we see and we tell ourselves that – Men look and they will never stop. But that does not mean he doesnt love you, no. Instead you should look upon yourself for change. Accept your flaws, ask God to help you change. Always make sure you look your best and never, never, never deny sex to your husband. Ohterwise he will go looking for it elsewhere. Its really the way men are. We cant change them, we can only learn to understand them. In any relationship it’s important to have a strong friendship. A very strong sex life and preferably very little fighting. Yes, fights are sometimes necessarily, we need to communicate clearly to each other what bothers us.
Also men need to look at themselves too. yes, Ive heard it a million times before – men look because it’s natural, in their gene selection. God knows it makes them sound like real ass-holes. but yes it’s true. However you cannot cross the line into cheating and say it’s natural. You cannot watch porn and say it’s natural. You cannot force your wife to dress differently because you can’t stand how other men look at her. You cannot lock her in the house for years because you cannot stand how other men look at her. You cannot take her car away and her allowance just because you cannot stand how other men look at her. then what about that saying “all men look at other women” well, all men do and obviously they will look at your wife too. they will lust after her like you lust after other women. it’s natural you say. So do not take her natural right to be beautiful and attractive away from her, she is beautiful and all beautiful women are allowed to be looked at.
But I know, not all men are like this. If you meet a man who is nice, loves you, is able to wait for you without pressuring you for sex before marriage and respects Gods laws, then don’t stress yourself when he looks at another woman. God created beauty and we need to admire it.
why don’t you try to play a game. but don’t let him know that your playing it. Watch tv together and compliment another woman’s beauty, compliment her body etc and smile at him without revealing any shred of discomfort. Your husband will be more relaxed around you and think that you are wonder woman because you can also see the beauty in someone else, but not having any urge to sleep with that person.
We need to look beyond ourselves. we are not the only attractive people in the world. There are many who are more attractive than we are. we just need to practice seeing beauty in others. It’s our egos that get in the way. we are not perfect and men will look at other woman.
but always be there for your husband. admire him. Love him. support him through thick and thin. Give him what he wants sexually.
Do not be jealous. Give him space. Do something apart from each other. Allow him his freedom. trust him. do not nag him. do not scream at him. welcome him home every night with a heart warming loving hug and kiss and tell him how you love him. always be supportive.
If you read in the first testament, you will read that King David slept with many woman. He even saw Barseba ( or whoever) on the roof top and admired her beauty and ordered her to sleep with him and then killed her husband. Then God had to let his consequence be given ( remember what you do to people will be done to you ) he was hunted for years and that’s when he wrote all those psalms.
Anyway the point i’m trying to make is that men even in the old days use to have many wives and admired beauty. The Kings had the most beautiful women. But when Jesus came he changed the law to only one women and man. But of course men still admire beauty. You just need to make sure you make him feel comfortable in his own skin and admires you for not feeling threatened.
This was not written to make anyone feel invalid or like they are wrong for the way they are. we are human and sometimes we struggle with issues that only prayer and vasting can take away. it’s about giving ourselves to God and letting Him do the work in you. It’s about being humble and accepting that we are not the only attractive people in the world.
I am simply giving advice hoping other women can find peace in their hearts. Hoping that we would be willing to change for the better. It takes time, practice and a lot of reminding yourself that men look and that you are still attractive never the less. And that it’s okay to admire other women too.
Only had time to read half the comments but I really have to say that I think Cassie, Lisa and Christine summed it up pretty well. I would elaborate but I’d just be repeating what they have just said. It’s never such a black and white issue of “men are just like that” or “women are just insecure”. In fact that’s a complete cop-out.
Nancy, I am so sorry that you are going through this but I do not think that God is punishing you. I know that it hurts, and it is a betrayal of sorts, but for many men their issues with pornography have nothing to do with their wives. Often an issue with porn begins years earlier probably long before he met you. That’s not to say that it doesn’t hurt you, it does, but please know that you are not the cause of it.
There is an excellent article by Dr. Dave Currie that I encourage you to read – Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography. Dr. Currie has counselled couples for years and I think you’ll find his insights very helpful.
Steve I find your comment about someone having a low self esteem disturbing as just because your wife is OK with gawking at other woman does not make it right and you don’t have the right to judge another persons feelings! According to your views when Jesus was on earth and said if a man looks sexually at another woman he has already committed adultery.
Nancy first of all your view of yourself being punished I believe to be false if your husband lacks self control that is his issues and not yours. Many of the men with the most beautiful wives as often the falseness of Hollywood stars who have it all eyes will wander and they will cheat. Even if they are married to miss universe! You have to understand that if a man is looking at the filth that is on the internet often the ugliest woman who people think how could he have had sex with her! It is because the males mind gets desensitized to the point where that sexual thoughts consume them. Often the man does mean to hurt you he just can’t stop even if he wanted too. The only solution is to pray that God will make him so sick of the lifestyle that he will seek help and have someone who can become accountable too. The habit can be broken as God showed it in Romans 12: 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this World, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know Gods will for you, which is good and perfect. The only thing that you can do is pray that something traumatic will happen that he will seek help it could be such as him being caught looking at porn at work and threatening to be fired or something else that will make him sick of it.
Viki I understand that it is very painful when this happens and like I mentioned in the above comments I would say the same applies to your situation. What I would like to add though is as many men say they are visually oriented however there is a difference between treating someone with respect as they should with all woman as God made each woman perfect in his eyes. The line gets crossed when a man looks with lust at a woman and mentally undresses her as that is completely against what Christ teaches as he said in the Bible if you look at a woman with lust you are committing adultery. The blame on the media and culture is partly to blame however Christ gave use the Holy Spirit to help us from straying in this area. What many men fail to realize is that if they don’t allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in there hearts and there minds they will become like pigs like one of the comments on here said. It is very simple if a man is constantly looking at visual images that are not honoring God then he lives in a cyber World that is not real. Only prayer and waiting on God to bring him into reality will things start to change. Pray that God will show you what you should do.
God Bless
I am a christian and my husband is also. He numerously has lied to me and looked up and at images of womens “parts”. Im CRUSHED that Im not enough this is my 3rd marrige I am a attractive sexual women, I have been faithful to him always, why does he hurt me like this and I wonder a lot if im being punished
I am having a very hard time accepting this behaviour from my husband. He has admitted he has a problem with it and that he knows it hurts me and doesn’t want to hurt me. I have the worst time in wondering if he stares and gaulks (turning 180 degrees in his seat sometimes!) when I am with him, just what does he really do when I am NOT with him? Even to the point of changing the channel on the tv “right when I walk in the room” so I won’t see what he is watching. From a womans perspective, no woman likes to feel their relationship could possibly be on shaky ground because of an “eye” problem. No woman likes to feel she is less than, not the faithful object of their husbands love. It is very THEATENING when this goes on and on for years. I’m not sure just how much of a martyr we women have to be for this problem. What perspective could we possibly intoduce to our men that would “drive the point home” on how emotionally and relationally devastating this is for alot of us? It’s as if, but alot of these comments, that our PAIN is minimized with the “put your big girl panties on” mentality. What about accountability in marriage?
I don’t consider myself to have a roving eye. However if a really stunning women passes by when I’m out with my wife it’s really hard not to “check her out”. It feels involuntary to me. My wife and I talked about this in the first couple years of our marriage (24 years now). I’ll never forget what she said. “If you didn’t look I’d think you were dead”. We’ve even had conversations if Kathrine Heigle is more attractive or Jessica Beil (Just for an example). In my opinion you being upset of him looking is a matter of your own insecurities that you ned to deal with and not try to change him.
Stacy, I am so sorry to hear that your marriage is in a rough place right now. It sounds like you have resigned yourself to being roommates and not spouses. I know that it must feel like your marriage is a lost cause, but it doesn’t have to be. I do not doubt that your husband’s use of porn is affecting your marriage. Are you able to talk to him about it at all? Is there any chance he would go to a counsellor with you? If he won’t, I urge you to go to a counsellor on your own. You are dealing with the immediate and direct effects of someone else’s choices. That’s a hard road to walk alone. A counsellor can be an incredible resource and support.
Is there any chance your husband would attend a marriage enrichment conference with you? Family Life and Family Life Canada have weekend long conferences all throughout the year. You can access the US schedule and Canadian schedule online.
I have an issue with the comment “take advantage of your husband’s visual orientation by making yourself as appealing to him as you can.” I understand that if we take the time to look better then our men will be more interested. There are always going to be younger & prettier women and there is no way to compete. I am 28 and my husband is already looking at other women. We don’t go out together anymore and I would rather not be with him because he makes me so mad. What happens when I turn 40,50,etc.? My husband makes me feel bad about myself so much that I can’t even make love to him anymore. We have made love 2 times in the last 2 years and it wasn’t memorable. I see him looking at strange porn that is so disgusting that I can’t even mention what is was and it makes me sick to my stomach. We are great roommates and we laugh together but that is it. Marriage is overrated.
Hello Lady too,
You must feel lonely and abandoned by men and I mean more than once. I feel for you with all the hurt and emotions you are carrying around with no one to turn to so that you will find comfort. It has been a long road…has it not been? Falling on your face after numerous rejection. It hurts. Well, believe it or not it can all be healed if you decide not to give up and reach out for help instead of trying to fight it on your own. I am a man, yes, so what business do I have to write you? I want to help you but I am not the only one there are also mentors of your gender that are more than willing to help you in your cry for help. The answer is there but divorce may not be that solution and same sex marriage is not a good alternative. Why don’t you contact a mentor whenever you feel better? There is still hope for you because God is living today. Yes you are a lady too but just don’t let one man ruin that image that is in you…Cry out to God and He will hear you. He yearns for your call. It looks like yours is an urgent one. Call Him now,please!
I really need to share with the women on here.
Like all of you, my husband likes to look at other women. He has struggled with porn addition, had an affair, and even has had some sexual fantasies that I would consider sick and disgusting, it is painful, degrading and infuriating!. Please let me share with you, it can get better…..
I was married at 19 my husband 20 ( 16 yrs ago ) Our sex life was always pretty good. My husband adored me. But I had a HUGE problem with him checking out other women. It would make me so angry and actually physically hurt when I would catch him. He would look at the ground …. or try to intentionally not look. But i would always catch him when he thought I wasn’t looking and really give him a hard time. It became our WORST fight, and he would go into a rage and call me crazy and controlling and that all guys do it. Society makes it so easy and it ok for men to idolize women…. It escalated into a porn addition, He would sneak when I was working, and I would catch him about every 6 months after he promised he would never do it again because it hurt me…. only to find he never really stopped… I would threaten him each and every time if I caught him again on the computer I would leave him. He than had an affair, mostly for emotional support with a women who thought Porn was fine.
I am happy to say we are still married, and that crisis is over… and let me explain why and how…
The Lord saved our marriage. I had been saved for several years and God convicted me I HAD DONE THIS TO OUR MARRIAGE. by focusing on this one issue, buy villinizing him, by treating him so horribly about this I pushed him further to have to go look at this stuff in private, to sneak it, and once porn takes over, it is like a terrible drug. I had drove my husband to and brought our marriage to the brink. He was of course not faultless and it really didnt change until Last year my husband was saved. and our lives have changed completely. We communicate our feelings in a more God honoring way( at least always try to). It doesn’t hurt less when he checks out a women, I just have to pause. Litterly say a prayer asking God to help me address it, sometimes its just to pray, sometimes its to tell my husband “ouch” than he knows that just hurt me, he will apologize. Most times he doesn’t even realize he has done it, or meant it in that way. It is still an issue that I struggle with it,but our husbands are not pigs, they really struggle with it themselves. We HAVE to be good communicators and supporter and ask God for his strength to heal and grow.
God can change this.
We are now dealing with the after effects of years of my accusing him and arguing with him about this topic. He has guilt when he fantasizes about other women and he still struggles with his addition to porn,its not easy to hear but I respect him when he talks about it. He has guilt for the affair, which for me is completely gone and forgiven ( thank you LORD!!)
What I need to share with you all is .. you are actually killing your marriages. You are driving your husbands away, for a biological need that they cannot control. You will push them to sneak, to hide, and to lie. Thats why I did to my marriage. The answer is to ask God to heal you and to change his heart, and to pray. This is not a magic pill, it is not a quick fix, there are ramifications for the treatment of your husband. If you want him to change and just not be attracted to women, or not have the urge to look… will hurt him and you in other ways. My husbands guilt has caused erectile disfunciton. we are now struggling in an area that we never did before, I know God will get us through this too,
I want to thank this Blog, as I am reading all the pain from all these women on here, and reliving what my life was like and how my husband and I had treated each other I realize how far my husband and I have come.
Reading through these comments makes me sad. While Jesus made it clear that men should not be lusting after women, he also said not to judge, or you’ll be judged by that same measure. You think you can meet that standard of judgment, but what if you were men? You’d also be enjoying the female physique. How much compassion and empathy are you displaying, when you insist that your man be perfect in this area? While lusting was part of the fall, our enjoyment of the female physique is how God created us. If women expect men who won’t look at a woman, all they’ll end up with is alone or with a man who lacks testosterone.
Within reason, let’s each of us be accepting of our mate, warts and all.
Hi ladies, I’ve been dealing with the same issues, only with a husband who IS younger than I. And for the past week, I decided to take off from work and just focus on praying and seeking. Try to cover your ears and enjoy the silence and intuition. I’ve been searching out answers from my faith (the bible, Jesus) continuously as if im looking for my lost shoe. But I don’t rush, I just listen to my heart and realize that no one else is going to rebirth me and love me as a child all over again. I have to be the one to do it, there is good in me and I can do it, it’s really not that hard but when you’re living with non-believer who does not respect himself, his spirit, you or the woman he’s offending, it’s like cohabiting with a criminal. That’s a person that will NOT help you during your association with them or when you’re trying to help yourself. I believe in times like these our strength comes from our will, beliefs and desire for a better life. maybe think of this man as a tool, yes. we can devalue him too, since he’s acting like one… this man is a constant reminder or symbol for you that you are NOT heading in the right direction with your life, if you continue to stay with these types of men, your will have missed living a beautiful, free, loving life. How many years are you willing to waste because your confused? Set yourself free by getting spiritual.
LISA…
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. I was with a man for two years who ‘objectified’ women-all we are are sex objects to him. I am 47, I am attractive to men half my age, I have been blessed with a fast metabolism, good body and had NEVER had a man treat me so poorly. I put on make up perfectly EVERY DAY, I dressed SEXY (I lowered myself to dress like I thought he wanted)…It still didn’t change him. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE if the Lord is not Lord of their hearts. Many men have this same view. You can blame the media, society or whatever. However I KNOW that a man has choices to honor his wife/mate and he CAN control his eyes. True love does not harm your wife’s self-esteem, it builds her up to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. You deserve to be treated with respect. I’m not sure what the experts would say, however I would lift it up in prayer and ask God to guide you. Your husband is lusting/committing adultery in his heart in front of you and if he’s not willing to get help, see what the Word says. I am so sorry, you don’t deserve this, you are precious and need to look in the mirror and tell yourself so. You are beautiful and worthy of being adored and loved by the man you love.
Hello all; I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was losing my mind – as my husband tells me I am.
We have been married 15 years; together, 16. I dumped him before we got married because while we were out with my kids he stopped and blatantly checked out another woman. I swore, I wasn’t going to put up with that again – since my first husband did the same thing. Long story short, we got married anyway. Through the years I would see him look at women out of the corner of his eye and I call him out on it and it causes a huge fight. All he does is deny, deny, deny and call me worthless and crazy. Last year, I caught him masturbating to MTV (he is 48 years old, mind you) on a show called “I don’t like my small breasts. . . ” This has festered in me for over a year, but just a few days ago I finally found the show online so I could actually watch it and see what it was all about and it had go-go dancers in it. He denies this too, and said he was “flipping through the channels”. That changed our marriage forever. I cannot get past it. He refuses to take responsibility for it because he says that he was only doing that to see why he never can stay that erect anymore. He always has an excuse for everything. I told him last year after catching him, that things will never be the same between us – and they haven’t been. It was one thing him ogling other women but another masturbating to 22 year olds that I cannot compete with.
Through the years, my self esteem has been just trashed, now it is nil. I am working hard at losing more weight, though even when I looked REALLY good, he still looked at other women. I determined last night, after being up for 4 days straight, that he is just ‘one of those guys/a dime a dozen’. I told him that I thought that he was a good boy. The white Fruit of the Looms guy that didn’t care about his looks, just loved farming and a good home made meal. But I told him that all along, he is the exact type of guy that I didn’t want, and told him that I was wrong for believing what he spoon fed me, that I am the one with the problem.
Oh, he LOVES throwing it back in my face when he dumped me about 7 years ago and I dated a guy for a short time. I considered us separated: when he repeatedly tells me I am worthless and tells me to get the **** out of HIS house, I take that as I have been dumped, filed for divorce and started getting my confidence back.
Well, we reconciled, and I am drawing up divorce papers yet again. I don’t want to be married to this kind of guy. I say this “kind” because I thought he was a sweet man. No sweet man continues to hurt his wife when he knows how badly she feels when her self confidence is at his mercy. Why do we do this to ourselves? At 45, I have to figure where to go, where to start my life again. Because my husband checks out other women? YES! I simply won’t tolerate it. The way men look at women is degrading to our intelligence and our self worth. I remember one woman he was ogling looked at me with kind eyes like: “I’m sorry” Sorry you are with such a jerk, I really felt her passion because his stared made her nervous and I was right there.
Sorry my post is so long, and if no one reads this – I feel better venting. He will no longer listen to me and shuts me out completely. He will not go to counseling because we have done that already. He always says that he loves me, blah, blah, blah, but that’s just another one of his lies/like: No, I wasn’t checking her out! lol
Now, sadly, he doesn’t look at the waitress he stares down at the table when he orders food, just to appease me; but then I catch him at home making up for it. Having accepted this for so long, and for him to never think that he needs to change, or if he could just be honest and say: “yeah, I have been going through midlife crisis since I was 11″ or “Uh, I am a big, dumb guy and I don’t know how to treat women”, I could deal with that. But, the denial and the crazy making is unbearable.
A few days ago I contemplated getting cleaning jobs just to get plastic surgery so that he won’t feel the need to ogle. But again, 15 years ago, he still did.
Again, sorry this is so long. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Time for another good cry. Thanks.
Time to weigh in again on this thread I think.
Cassie, you make some very good points about how it isn’t all about the woman’s insecurities but more about how it makes her feel when her husband as you said is looking at other women when he is with her. What does he do then when she isn’t there. And yes, some women are also visually stimulated. That’s why you are starting to see more and more men in the ads as well. People who are in marketing have studied us all very well.
Nicolette you are right that the media has learned this lesson well and so uses half dressed women to sell all manner of product that has nothing to do with the women in the ad. Talking to our husbands is a good place to start.
I have to disagree with you though Elizabeth. Saying that all men are just wired to act like pigs just isn’t true, nor is it fair to say that men are pre-wired hormonal monsters that can’t be held responsible for their actions. They should all be held responsible for their actions. I think you are trying to simplify something that is a very complicated issue.
Having said that, it’s important to respect one another even if we disagree. Thanks everyone for taking the time to visit and comment!
I believe the problem with ”Men lusting” is that they are constantly having the media push down their thoats sex, more sex and even more sex!!! It’s become an universal sickness and because men are not strong enough mentally against these things (with women being a man’s weakness) they succum to what is being programmed into them. The Bible speaks of this type of stuff and to me it’s just Satan’s modern version to destroy the sacred beauty between marriages. My advice, talk to your husband about God’s will for him and your lives- together. e.g. If you can’t do it in front of the Lord, don’t do it at all!
I have to say that most of this advice is complete rubbish! Men are just wired to act like pigs, we should make sure our husbands are fulfilled sexually and we should try to make ourselves look as good as the competition so that he looks at us instead of our size 0, overly-tanned waitress?! Seriously?! Women should approach their men as carefully as possible so as not to frighten and upset him which would inevitably send him scampering away into the jungle to mate with all of the beautiful women he lusts at on a daily basis, since he really is nothing more than a pre-wired hormonal monster who can’t be held responsible for his actions. In fact, he’s the victim of not getting enough out of his wife. He should be supported and understood. So, you know, women, put your feelings and concerns on hold until he’s calm enough to approach. Come on. There are women on the planet who do EXACTLY the same thing as this woman’s husband but she isn’t given the luxury of her wiring to use as a scapegoat for her own actions and shortcomings. People need to be held responsible for their actions, regardless of what they walk around with in their pants.
I found this article a very good read. The only thing that I think is so cliche is trying to make the person who is worried about the looking at other women think that their own insecurities may be at play. Many times it is not a case about the victim’s insecurities at all. You could take the most secure beautiful person and put them in a relationship with someone who keeps lusing after or staring at other people and they are going to feel hurt by it. It has nothing to do with insecurity on their part. It has to do with placing your heart in a committed relationship where it would be most vulnerable and having that person you’re entrusting it with, show you that they are not as trustworthy as you would like them to be. One comment which is so right on is how a person would wonder if their mate is looking right there in front of them, how bold are they when you’re not there? Many times this is the problem of the one who cannot be satisfied with lusting after their mate and not the other’s insecurities. In fact, many times it’s the insecurities of the eye roaming mate that is at play here. Escpecially with men, many times they are trying to show their independance in a way that says, you can’t hurt me I can be with someone else if I wanted. They have been hurt before or are untrusting with their own feelings and this is the way that deal with it and it in turn hurts their mate. And by the way…men do not have the monopoly on need visual stimulants!! Women are just as visual as men are. This is just another excuse for men to look around which I hate! I notice beautiful men and women as well…I think it’s human nature not male nature. Men are just conditioned to lust after everything in society, thus all the women half dressed in magazines, ads, billboards, movies, tv shows, products on shelves, etc… If we had Brad Pitts and Tom Cruises half dressed all over everything, we’d be extrememly visual. The game is just set up for the boys to have fun and not the girls.
Dear Annette,
I can understand your insecurities when it comes to your husband looking at younger women. Men do look at other women but you mentioned your husband seems to spend time analyzing them. That must be difficult for you in situations when you are out together. You mentioned you don’t think it’s right to “need” to look nice for your husband. Looking nice for him may make you both feel special, not just because you need to compete with other women. You said he does love you and he chose to spend the rest of his life with you in marrying you. You said you’re a strong woman and you need to hold on to that. If you feel he’s really drawn to younger women, it may also be a good time to talk about your insecurities and how it affects you. If you feel you need someone to talk to, I would recommend signing up for our online mentorship program. Mentors are great at answering your questions in a way that’s non-judgemental and are there to listen when you need to talk. You can sign up for a mentor here. My prayer for you is that you and your husband would be able to work through any concerns you may have to continue to have a strong marriage.
It seems unfair to say that we need to make ourselves look nice, be sexually available, but I do it anyway. When my husband looks at other women, it is almost a challenge to me, a sort of competition to look better and be the woman I think he wants and needs. I have to remind myself that love is unconditional, however, and would he love me just for who I am? I believe that he does, but am conflicted over feeling that I should not have to feel like I am in competition with younger, pretty women.
It is so contradictory when I feel that I NEED to look a certain way. My husband and I have had many conversations about this and we do not agree on what is “appropriate” looking. I feel that when he is with me and he studies an always younger women he is making me feel like I am not enough. He says it is purely visual and he is imagining her life. I say to him, you have a wife standing beside you and you should imagine MY life and my feelings more so than a woman you do not even know. He is an analyzer, so I do understand to a point where he is coming from, but I feel that it is something that is controllable if he knows I am uncomfortable. He does seem to be working on it and I try to just ignore it. He has told me that before he married me, he looked at women and imagined having sex with them. He is honest, sometimes brutally, so I feel that he is not hiding anything from me and I struggle with saying anything about it because I do not want him to feel he has to cover it up. If he sees nothing wrong with it, then there is nothing I can do about it. In a recent conversation, I asked him why men do stare at other women, particularly young and beautiful women. He said they are drawn to the idea of “youthfulness”, then said really it’s all about “ego”. I said to him, “it is about insecurity on a man’s part if that is true”. I asked why men can’t just be happy with themselves and their age. I am accused of being insecure when I question or comment when I feel he is looking/staring too hard at another women.
I believe he actually is the one who is insecure if he is wishing or thinking of a time when he was young, especially if he imagines himself with a younger woman. I feel he should be happy with himself the way he is, a very attractive and active 55 year old man. I am very much in shape and have a higher energy level than him, but still he seems drawn to youth. I think there is much more to it, partly because his first wife rejected him time and time again sexually. But, now I wonder if it was because she felt that he wanted to be with someone else and as a result, she shut down emotionally.
I am a strong woman and it is hard for me, so I understand that it would be very difficult for someone with lower self-esteem to take a man’s “infatuation” with other women. I just don’t think it can’t be excused.
Christine, thanks for taking the time to let us know how you were doing, and I agree with what Alfred said that God did give you a way out. There is never, never a reason for a man to hit a woman. How I wish there was a way to teach younger women this basic truth. If there are such huge control issues early in your relationship, GET OUT! Get out before you or your children get hurt. I am glad that you are getting the healing you so badly needed.
One more thing I want to add for all the ladies struggling with their husbands. Men are simple creatures. They do not typically say one thing and mean another like women. They don’t have the emotional sophistication we do. If he has stated from his own mouth that he does not love you, wants to leave, etc. take him at his word. Stop trying to force him to feel whatever he claims he does not. Walk away for awhile. If he truly didn’t mean it or decides on second thought he does want to be with you, then you can begin to rebuild. If not, it’s time to move on. I give this advice specifically because this is what happened to me with my first fiance. He expressed that he didn’t want me anymore and I took him at his word and left town. He didn’t pursue and so I got on with my life.
@Jill
I would separate from my husband if he said he never loved me and wait six months. If he missed me and came after me, I would insist we do some counseling and work on the relationship. But only after he came to me. Then I would know for sure if he still truly loved me and wanted to be with me. If this did not happen and he didn’t file for divorce first, then I would.
You deserve more than companionate love. That’s not how a marriage is supposed to be. If either of you can’t feel passion for the other then someone IS going to come along for whom you DO feel passion for and the marriage will be destroyed one way or the other. Separate, pray that he missed you and decides to work on the relationship. As I said, if he doesn’t make a move, you’ll know it was not meant to be.
Do not worry about his eyes, but his behavior. I ignore my husband when he glances lustfully at other women. When he starts flirting and speaking inappropriately or touching another woman or if he is leering in a way that is obvious to me and others, then I talk to him about how he is disrespecting our union. As women, it is natural for us to want our man’s eyes on us alone, but this is literally impossible to expect or achieve. Men are driven by nature toward a variety of women to impregnate. He loves and lusts for us, but he lusts for other women as well. As long as he is not bonding emotionally with another woman you should not be concerned.
Hi Christine,
I have encouraged many couples to stay together, but for you I say: Thank God, “HE gave you a way out”. As you say, that the “pain and debasement you came to” was it.
God will surely look after you and your 4-year old boy! I feel that most likely He has a husband in mind for you. A good Christian man who will also be a great dad to your son!
Reading this whole discussion was very good for me, as information how women and men have different ways of being attracted to one-another. It explains why, and also cautions me, about the second look toward any woman who is physically attractive. God works in mysterious ways, often using one article to help various people each with what they need most.
In closing I want to thank you for warning other women about their husband’s “gawking at another woman”. The answers are so well given in the main article by Dave & Donalyn that I cannot add anything. Yes, if it gets to be too much and he refuses then the marriage is over, as in your case!
Doris, I wrote back at the end of May and you hit the nail on the head. My ‘ex’ does have major control issues and he had been physically abusing me since September 2010. I am now healing from a broken arm from a July 3rd incident. It wasn’t his physical abuse of me that made me leave. After the arm he attacked me 3 more times and I became homicidal-like an animal wanting to survive. I have NEVER felt so debased in my life. It scared me. The verbal and emotional abuse (AND YES ladies, it is emotional abuse when your man rejects you and gawks at other women) had been happening from the moment we moved in together and I lost myself. But God wants us to be accepted for who we are, treasured by the man who is our mate. Love does not gawk, does not harm and does not demean. God has used this to His Glory. I kept asking for a way out and the pain and debasement I came to was it. The Lord has been with me every step of the way since. I left with only 2 suitcases in my arms and my little 4 year old boy. Not knowing where I was going…I entrusted all into His hands and he has been faithful every day since I am surrendering all to HIM. I know most of you reading this are enduring hurt after hurt because of the rejection you are feeling and I pray that not many of you EVER have to experience the depravity of physical abuse. Know that these men have issues and you deserve better. When a man gets mad after you’ve told him he’s hurt you by gawking at another woman and tells you it’s all in your head…RED FLAG. Take care of yourselves. Get support. It will only get worse. Pray and the Lord will make a way for you to get the healing you need.
Joanne,
It is awesome that you want to better yourself but you should be doing it for you and not to impress someone. If your husband is checking out other women, then the issue is with your husband. Not you! Basing our self-esteem on someone else is futile. We offer free and confidential mentoring, if you would like a mentor just click on the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
The Bible says that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. And Jesus Christ went to the cross… So what does that say? A wife is to love, honor and obey.. It is very hard to love honor and obey a spouse when they are causing pain..and it is very hard to dicuss because it is a touchy subject with a man. when you are looking for a mate of course you are going to look but you have found your prize it is then that you have made a decision to love and cherish that one woman.. How willing are you to keep what you have chose for yourself.. You chose and you spoke those vows and it is for a lifetime.. So ask yourself what steps am I willing to take to kepp what I have chosen? I myself am in this boat and I am frustrated but I am willing to take steps to keep my man of which he chose me and I accepted. So I am looking for every help to get this issue resolved.. and my first step has always been to look at myself and what I can do to better me..
Im not sure about some of these comments! However, I dont feel like my husband is cheating on me or always checking out other women, but I do know that he watches porn, and often, and i cant help but let it bother me. Keeping in mind that we do have a healthy sex life and I cant understand why it is necessary. I have tried conveying my concern but it turns into a …well its a natural thing for men to do and i dont want to talk about it. Is this just a natural thing and just let it not bother me that he is watching other women on a computer screen?
me – if you interpret what Leah has said as “talking to yourself in an empty room” then it is you who has no clue what you are talking about. Prayer is not insanity. If you have something helpful to contribute to the discussion of this article, please do so. However if you continue to use an article about relationships as a place to mock faith then I will moderate your comments.
Dear Katherine,
When I read your comment, what I though about is that your husband is trying to make you feel bad or guilty for something he does wrong and he knows it. It is always easier to blame someone else for our mistakes than owning up to them. If your husband says that he looks at other women because of your actions, that is wrong. He is a grown-up and he is in-control of his actions, nobody can make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do. Just like for you, your husbands actions don’t have to hurt you if you don’t let them. I know that its easier said then done, and for that may I recommend a mentor from our site. We offer free and confidential mentoring, and you will be matched with a mentor that will help you through this time. If you want a mentor you can click on the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
I will be praying for you,
Leah
I have been with my husband for 2 1/2 years and married for 2 months. It never fails, everytime we go out to eat he checks out the waitresses. He totally is no longer showing interest in me and he said it is due to my insecurities of him looking at other women and calling him on it. I feel that if he needs to look when I am not around, well there is nothing I can do and what I don’t know won’t hurt me, but to do it when I am sitting right across from the table from him I fee is so disrespectful and then when I mention it he blows up at me and says that he does not do that ever and that I am a freak and paranoid. He says that we will no longer go out so I can’t ever say that to him. I told him that maybe. I feel that way because heis because he never tells me I am beautiful anymore and he said it is because I complain too much and worry too much. Sex has become slam bam thankyou ma’am and I am hurting so bad and feeling dead inside. I can’t ttalk to him anymore. About it because he said I need to lay off so he can get it back. I don’t know how to accept this as I feel he is cheating on me when he looks at other women. In his mind anyway. I feel he no longer desires me.
Hi everyone.
I have been married to my wonderful husband for 16 years. We have been happy, in love and rarely rarely fight. We have no human kids but do have dogs. It seemed like we had the ‘perfect’ marriage. Our friends all tell us they look up to us as an example of how love should be, etc. Early this year, my husband was laid off work and we moved to a new city shortly after for new opportunity in the job market but no luck yet. Also, he is overcoming a marijuana addiction so those side effects/ withdrawals may play a part in his emotions- I do not know. Yesterday, my husband tells me ” I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.” I was shocked and still am. I really thought everything between he and I was really great and as perfect as perfect can be. We have a regular sex life and have a lot of fun together. We communicate to each other all the time too so this is really so crazy to me. So, we discussed why he might be feeling that way and he says because he isn’t passionate about ‘us’ or me. So, we have a Companionate love. We have intimacy and commitment but no passion. It is strange because I always felt we had passion but he says he thinks we never have. He also admitted to me yesterday that he thinks about girls from his past and that when he was working he thought about girls he worked with. We talked and both agreed we both want to go to counseling to try to figure this all out. I am hoping we can get our first appointment in a few days. Does anyone have any advice/ opinions for me? I love my husband with all of my being and I feel like he truly loves me too. Do you think this is just a hard time or maybe a mid-life crisis that we can get thru? What about the passion thing? Is that something we can get into our relationship? Help! Thanks.
Sonya, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like your husband definitely has a problem. Good for you that you are going for counseling on your own and working through where you stand in all this. And may I suggest that perhaps you would really be encouraged by signing up for one or our online mentors? just fill in the form found on this page and someone will email you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. I admit that I have gained some weight but have been working on that and have lost 25lbs. Most of the years he has watched women and usually only those revealing something. I have shared with him how it hurts me and to some degree he seems to make some effort to not look. He usually denies it or tells me I’m crazy when confronting him with this. Just today we went out to breakfast with another couple and this woman walks in by herself and sits in plain view of him and I. I saw him look at her several times (she was wearing short orange spandex shorts and a spandex shortsleeve short AND she didn’t have any fat on her). I tried not to think about it but I saw her looking over our way too as if she was trying to get his eye. Then when we were leaving we stood at the cash register and my husband kept looking over her way (no one else was over that way…hmmm I wonder if that was the 7 glance her way). Oh and then she got up from her table and walked by me and my husband and out the door. She walked out side across the parking lot and turned around and came back in (it seemed for no reason but to parade herself…it was quite obvious). I can tell when my husband is watching other women by his body language, hands in pocket. I told my husband when we were alone that it was obvious he was checking her out. I told him how it made me feel and that it was disrespectful to me. I am in counseling right now and told him during the conversation today that I shared with the counselor that I have fear of him leaving me because my children will all be gone soon and we will be alone. He made a comment several years ago that once the kids were gone he was “out of here” and although he hasn’t said such statements recently I can still hear him saying it. He said well did you tell your counselor how mean you are. Right then I knew he was aware of how wrong his behavior was today because he always does that. He tries to make me feel like I did something wrong when I was innocent in the matter. He is trying to blame me for his problem and I REFUSE to accept the blame for it! Shame on him!
I think the difference between what the authors are talking about and what you are relating about you what happened in your friend’s marriages is the commitment to communicate with one another, be transparent and then respect your relationship and each other enough to not want to hurt them. If the husbands in these cases aren’t committed to that, then all the talking in the world won’t help and yes, nothing will stop him from looking at other women.
Communication is hard work, but it is worth it to have a marriage that is truly based on love and respect.
Look, I think this is ridiculous. Even if women took care of themselves, men would still get tired after a year or two (and men you know what I mean).
Your stating that women need to take better care of themselves is what is called “red herring” or “smokescreen,” which is statement that clouds the reality of the fact. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but even if a woman looked like Pam Anderson Lee (who is around 40), the man will still look at others (and porn).
It may just be that most men are not suited to relationships, but, also, that society says men’s behavior is okay -this doesn’t help men be better husbands. All it does is tell them it’s okay and keep on doing what they’re doing, and as a result, men get worse and worse. As long as society says it’s okay, then women – you lose!
What you have to decide is if you can live with your man. You also need to account for the sacrifices. In my friend’s example, she decided to stop having sex with her husband, and he didn’t even notice.
Then, in my other friend’s example, the husband chased her constantly when she decided not to have sex, and they both told the husbands they didn’t want to because they were tired of their behavior.
But the husbands keep checking women out and looking at porn, and never have they stopped for their wives even after they stopped having sex with them because men don’t care.
Men won’t stop no matter what a woman does. The only thing he’ll do is lie.
You are so right Victoria, it is never ok for husbands to be checking out other women. I like what you said about asking what if their daughter or sister had a man in their lives who looked at women constantly…a father would never want his daughter involved with someone like that.
Men—-This is NEVER Ok….. Respect, Compassions, and Love, are the cornerstone of Jesus teachings. – always remember “do unto others as you wish them to do unto you”
Ladies– talk with your significant other, ask them “what if their Daughter or Sister had a man in their lives who looked at women constantly, how would they feel about that man”? Perhaps they will view their behaviour differently by making it more personal….Put
the ball in their court.
Hello Cfast,
Thanks for your response.
Yes, I have tried to talk about counseling, but he turns mute when I bring it up. He won’t respond; he goes deaf. So, instead, I bought literature so that he could read and understand my perspective, but he wouldn’t read it. The problem is he’s always been really reluctant to change whereas I’ve always been a person of action. He always takes the path of least resistance, and I am the one who tries to work over obstacles.
Yes, I agree with everything you have written. I must apologize to everyone who had to see that awful post. I was ranting because I’d just gotten back from the grocery store where my husband nearly creamed himself when a cute red head walked past; the night prior he’d waited for me to go to bed so he could have fun again, and then could barely get it up the next day. Yet, he acted like I was the bad person when I told him he needs to cut down on his behavior, and that he was starting to turn me off with his behavior – that touching me was starting to turn me off.
I can’t help but be cynical though because, even if we had counseling, I can’t help but think it’s just going to be more of the same thing over and over. He’ll never stop completely, and he’ll always slip back into the same habits. I think there is relevance in the debate about not being able to change someone’s personal sexual genetic coding.
Society says men’s behavior is okay, and society says that women who complain are totally insecure witches. We need to shut it and let the man take care of his business.
I’m resolved to letting him get on with it, as long as he doesn’t bother me anymore. If it bothers him enough, then he’ll either change or I’ll leave. But, yes, I’m already given up. I don’t feel there’s anything else that I can really do.
lady
Lady too,
I am really sorry to hear how much you are hurting in your marriage. It must be very difficult to live with someone who looks at porn and other women. I personally know how it feels for someone you love to seem to care about looking at other women. It hurts just as bad as if he were cheating. Could it be possible that he has a sexual addiction? With any addiction, the person has no control over their actions and it hurts the one’s they love. But there is hope for freedom from sexual addiction, just as there is hope for any addiction.
It seems that you have given up on your husband and your marriage before it has actually fallen apart. Would you consider seeing a counselor before writing off your marriage? I can’t see how getting a boyfriend and forever dismissing men is your answer. I realize you have been hurt but it won’t help to hurt your husband back. It is like that old saying that bitterness works in the opposite way you want it to. A trained professional will be able to help you work through your marital issues whether or not you decide to leave your husband. It may be good for your husband (if he would agree to it) to see a professional about a possible sexual addiction.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I hope you will find freedom from your pain.
I’ve tried talking to my husband but he doesn’t care, and he is really bad.
I’ve decided I’m not gonna have sex with him anymore. I figure if he’s so obsessed with women and porn, then he does not need me. He might as well be cheating. He does not put my needs first, and I’m often stuck waiting around wondering if he’ll be in the mood or if he’s jerked off already.
I’m getting a boyfriend. I already told him that he’s not giving me what I need, and that he may as be cheating on me since he can’t control his penis.
We are probably headed for divorce, but I’m not gonna sit around and simper while he acts like a perv. Don’t I have a right to be happy? If he can’t give me what I need, than I’m gonna get it elsewhere. So far, he doesn’t seem to want a divorce; although he’s said that he was going to leave me when I told him I wanted us both to see other people. YES I TOLD HIM HE COULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE TOO.
I guess he’s just a total selfish dick because he doesn’t want to care about my happiness, yet he doesn’t want me to find happiness.
So, anyway, I got drunk one night and we made up. I still can’t believe I did that. I should be on my way out. Yet, his habits are the same, so I told him I’m not having sex with him. I’m not making him a sexual priority if he’s not going to make me a sexual priority – and act decent.
The dating other people hasn’t come up again but I think he knows I’m not happy and that he is losing me. I can tell the way he looks at me, but the truth is he doesn’t love me. I don’t know why he won’t admit it but he can’t. Maybe it’s the shame of facing family and friends. I have to admit that I feel the shame too.
We will be getting a divorce eventually, and I will never get married again. I cannot deal with men and their habits. Men are more fun then women and they make great pals, but they are not relationship material. Or, at least, not for me they aren’t. Thankfully we live in a time where it is okay not to be with a man.