My husband checks out other women
I often notice my husband checking out other women. When I confront him about it, he says that there’s nothing wrong with looking, and he has no intention to do anything more. Am I right to be concerned, or am I overreacting?
Advice:
Dave: Early in our marriage, it came as a real surprise to me to discover that I could still be attracted to another person, even though I was newly and happily married. I felt perplexed and besieged by guilt when I found myself noticing other women during that first year of marriage. I had a gorgeous wife and we had a great sex life together, so it was like, what’s the problem here?
Donalyn: As wives, we need to remember that we don’t think like our men on most things. A great first step is to have an honest conversation with your husband and attempt to discover how he thinks. How do you think, Dave?
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Dave: I learned early on that, like most men, I tend to be visually stimulated and thus easily drawn to notice and be enticed by feminine shapes. I had no issues with pornography, but I needed to learn how to manage my eyes and focus on a woman’s countenance, and not on her body. I had to treat her as a sister, and not store up sexual data that I could use mentally later.
Donalyn: This can be hard for a woman to hear, because it’s so foreign to our own thinking. This fixation on looks can seem so shallow to us. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean this visual attraction is bad. It’s how men are wired. In fact, it can be a very good thing – it’s probably one of the things that attracted your husband to you in the first place. But you still have to share your concerns.
Dave: You need to let him see how this is affecting you. Rather than coming at him with guns blazing, which would push him away, open up your heart and tell him how it makes you feel when you see him looking at other women.
Donalyn: First you need to come to grips with your own feelings. It may help to write down the emotions you experience when you notice him doing this, so you can sort through it and decide what needs to be shared with your husband. And go beyond your surface feelings to see if there are deeper issues underneath. Ask yourself why this really bothers you. Are you insecure with how you look? Are you uncertain about your friendship with your husband? Do you question his faithfulness? If you have underlying insecurities, you will need to work through that even as your husband deals with his issues.
Dave: The way in which you confront your husband on this is critical. This is a difficult, private matter for most men, and if you approach it from the wrong direction, he will probably shut right down.
Donalyn: So because this will be difficult, start by trying to understand where he’s coming from on this. Reassure him of your love and commitment to him, and then have the courage to ask clarifying questions. Ask him why he looks at other women. What does he notice most? Does he think about them later? Does he feel in control over what and who he looks at? Does he have a problem with second looks and having to scope out the whole package? While you need honest answers to these questions if you’re going to work through this together, be patient and as supportive as you can be throughout the process.
Dave: Let me be clear that the fact that men are visually drawn to women does not make it okay to engage in lustful looks. It is not a wise practice for any man who wants to protect his marriage, and in many cases it can be an issue of sin. Jesus said that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28). So while your husband is likely being honest when he says he has no intention of doing anything beyond looking, the act of looking can still be a problem, especially if he is replaying it in his mind later. Not only that, but in this situation he is not even trying to be discreet about it when you’re around, and that is cause for concern. If he freely looks when you are with him, how bold is he when you are not present?
Donalyn: Ask your husband what needs are being met in him as he looks at other women. The truth is, this behaviour could be a sign of other issues: his dissatisfaction with you and the marriage, a problem with pornography, or fantasies about being with other women. Hopefully this is not the case with your husband, but it is better to address it now than to wish you had later.
Dave: There are also some steps you can take individually or as a couple to reduce the temptations for your husband going forward. Work together to ensure that you have a regular and mutually-fulfilling sex life. Meet one another’s needs so that neither one of you is tempted to have them met elsewhere. I know that when Donalyn and I are not sexually intimate for a period of time, I find it easier to have my mind and eyes carelessly and inappropriately wander. It doesn’t excuse it, of course, but the easier you can make it on your husband, the better it will be for both of you.
Donalyn: Take advantage of your husband’s visual orientation by making yourself as appealing to him as you can. It’s so easy to put the effort in to look good for other people, while failing to make it a priority for our spouse. They are the ones we should be trying to impress! And we all feel better about ourselves when we look our best.
Dave: It would also be helpful to get an outside perspective. With your husband’s permission, ask some other men whom you both respect what they think about the issue. In fact, if your husband is open to it, encourage him to get into an accountability relationship with another man. When two men spur one another to love their wives and honour God, it’s a powerful thing. Iron sharpens iron!
Donalyn: A great marriage is built on a foundation of transparency. These issues are not easy to discuss, but be patient. Be less threatened, and more focused on working with him to face the issue, without excusing it. As a husband and wife drop their guards and begin to really deal with sticky subjects like this one, it leads to an amazing level of intimacy. It may be difficult, but the result is well worth the risk.
I hope I get to be the 200th response. Ok as a guy I will tell you everything honestly.
the last women who talked about her husband being honest with her all the time is right. if you reward honestly with punishment, your husband will never be honest.
Guys have a problem with looking more so than women. there are reasons why this is true but not justification for doing it.
first lets explain the reason so many men have this problem.
1. during youth our culture encourages the lack of sexual self restraint in men, while at the same time discourages women.
2. men are biologically designed to plant seed in many women so this sex hyper system has a tendency to get out of hand easily when allowed to.
3. the sex drive chemical hormones that seperate men from women are higher in men than women and need more control.
4. there are more women dressed sexually in the public than there are men to bait the eye.
So how do we fix this?
1. masturbation and sex spikes the testosterone which sex charges and feeds the brain addiction. so even though it lowers the liklyhood of prostate cancer, it throws gasoline on the flame. If you think only impure thoughts are capable with masturbation you are mistaken; musterbation and sex are the same thing.
2. even hamburger commercials show sexual things to trigger the addiction so secular tv is a no go. you may not even be aware of the implanted suggestion. internet, secular movies. avoid public areas where secular dress is expected, because women dress has become so sensual most modest women dont realize how sexual they are to men and their affect. a bikini is legal underwear, do not think God will just judge the drug addict, the drug dealer is just as much to blame
3. if you are not feeding the spirit in you, you are being fed by the world, because we live in the world. read the bible daily and pray daily.
If you remember these three things your man will be able to maintain himself.
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Here is a positive story for those of you who think there is no hope.
My husband and I had a great talk about this very topic this morning. When we were dating, he admitted to watching porn. I freaked out a ton, and that was bad on my part. I made him scared of being honest. However, I also convinced him to stop watching porn. But instead of watching porn, he started watching inappropriate movies with lots of nudity in them instead — and he didn’t tell me about it. I actually came over to visit him as a surprise and walked in on him masturbating to one of these movies (this is still when we were dating). We almost broke up then, but he was crying and embarrassed and that’s when I realized I was doing something wrong. I wasn’t allowing him to be honest with me. This habit of his was PERSONAL and he was ASHAMED of it, truly. And all I did was make it worse when I told him how disgusting it was. So that’s when I changed myself. We sat down and I told him how much I love him, and how I want us to be open and honest with each other about everything. I promised him that if he ever struggled with lust in any way, he could tell me about it and we could pray about it and help him get rid of this habit. I asked him if that’s what he wants. He said he truly wants to be an honest, godly man and he does not want to struggle with lust. And he agreed that I could help him with it. Ever since that conversation, our relationship reached a level of maturity and emotional intimacy that I could never have imagined before. He let me inside his mind and told me everything. Was it easy for me? NO. I didn’t like hearing what he really thought about other women and about sex. But we stayed honest with each other without raising our voices, without making accusations, without bursting into tears. We kept it real.
I’m not saying that my husband NEVER lies to me and never lusts after other women now. With sin in the world he will never be perfect. But I’m confident to say that our honest communication with each other has developed him into the man he has always longed to be. It has taken a few years to reach this, but it is most definitely possible for any man and wife to do this together. The way it worked is that he started out watching porn, then he watched raunchy movies with nudity, then he watched TV shows with “sexy” women in them (no nudity, just bikinis). Then he looked up images on google but no more videos, and now he is in the last stage. He checks out other women (at the mall, at restaurants, etc.). But he has been honest with me every step of the way, and I am so proud of him. When I say he has been honest, I don’t always mean right away. He is still ashamed, especially now that we have been working so hard. If he has a weak moment and starts looking at the Kohl’s catalog women’s underwear section, sometimes he won’t admit to it until a week later. But every time he opens up about it, I say thank you for being honest. And then we discuss why he was tempted, how it affected him, and how I can help. We explore our own relationship and see if there is anything that needs fixing or any reason one of us isn’t happy.
This morning our talk was about why he checks out other women in public. He says he does not lust after them, he does not picture them naked or desire to touch/be with them. He does not remember them later or fantasize about them. He just appreciates their beauty in the moment. My thought was… what’s wrong with that? We literally have come to the point where I find nothing wrong with what my husband is doing. Then he surprised me. He said, the problem is that his brain associates attractive women with sex. He may not be consciously lusting after them, but by looking, his brain is releasing chemicals that feed his desire to have sex. And the problem with that is… after a while, it builds up and that’s what leads him to masturbate in the shower or randomly get really handsy with me. Because he NEEDS that release. Basically, I’m realizing we need to have sex more often. (which is tough right now, because I’m very pregnant and don’t often feel like having sex). But what we are working on now is for him to stop associating other women with sex. And really, that has been the underlying problem all along. Men associate the feminine figure with sex. It’s just HOW THEY ARE. And yes, we love them for it. Because we like that they are attracted to us.
Long story short. My man lost his addiction to lust because we worked on it together, but will probably never stop associating the feminine figure to sex because that’s just how he is wired. And that’s okay. We have a wonderful, honest marriage and he loves me and is attracted to me. He chose ME. And I am so unbelievably proud of him and the incredible man (and soon father) he has become. We will definitely work on trying to get him to view women as sisters in Christ and never associate them to sex, because we should always try to be our best. But to be quite honest, I think my husband is the most decent man in the world because we have made it this far. I am so in awe and in love with him. And that is my story of how a porn addict became the best husband in the world.
Arianna,
You have truly touched me so deeply. Everything you said is everything I feel. My husband and I have a lot of the same issues. I found nude woman on his laptop and it did crush me. I have often felt something is not right in our relationship and have tried to talk to him many times with him either blowing up at me or not responding at all. I understand that men and woman both are going to look at others but, why get married if that someone can’t be your everything? Isn’t that what a committment is? I do not understand how in our relationship we can only have sex when he says it is ok. I hear all these people say it is just a “guy” thing. My husband and I only have sex when he wants it, he never kisses me while having sex and to be honest it makes me feel like I am some girl he picked up for the night. It was not always that way, in the beginning there was a lot of passion but he still did not want to have sex more than 2 times a week and now it is 2 times a month, maybe. I am very sexual and attractive and very passionate in the bedroom and very lonely. I have asked him many times why he does not kiss me anymore and that, that is so important to me. He never even responds. Then he will say I never initiate sex but if I do he will tell me no, that he does not want to or it tickles or whatever so now I never initiate sex. it makes me feel so rejected when he does that. now i see him looking at naked pics on the internet and it just was very painful. My thing is, you always here please your man, do this for you man to keep him happy, well, what about the woman? Keeping her happy? I am very lonely and my self esteem has gone down the tubes and just like what you said I have lost interest in him and everything else. When I asked him about the nude pics all he did was deny it. They were right there on his laptop and he still denied it and told me I was trying to start a fight. This is the same reaction I get everytime I try to talk to him about what I am feeling and, how I feel so unhappy and so unloved. I am to the point now that I feel like maybe it is just time to let it go and move on. it is sad because when he is good to me I feel awesome about us but, when I find things and he lives in denial or lies to me it just destroys us bit by bit..I don’t know if he is cheating or not, I just know that there is something very wrong here and now I just do not trust him at all. It lies to me about things that do not even matter so if he will do that what is he really lying about?
Thank you for this post. While I don’t engage in porn or consider myself a sex addict – monogamous relationships for past 5 years since I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior – I am a “looker!” It is a behavior that has had a negative impact on my past 2 relationships. When my significant other(s) complained, I denied looking and dismissed their comments as their own insecurity. Reassuring them I was committed to them and only thought of them romantically. I truly don’t remember what people looked like later and don’t use it to mentally stimulate intimacy with my wife, as some have suggested.
Recently, other women have commented to my wife that I make them uncomfortable. Worse, one of them is my step son’s girlfriend. I was horrified when I heard this and realized I had a problem and needed to 1) change my behavior and 2) seriously apologize.
It’s like a trance and I don’t even realize I am staring. Now that I have been made aware of it, I caught myself the other day actually doing it. I had to snap myself out of it. I realize this is something I need to change. It’s embarrassing to know that I have made people I care about (or don’t even know) feel that uncomfortable.
There are a lot of women on this thread, so I am hoping you can suggest how to apologize to those I know I have offended? I know that, only by changing my behavior, will my wife start to believe in me again. Thank you.
I’ve been wanting to discuss this issue with someone for a really long time. I’m so glad I found this website. My husband doesn’t really check out any girl lustfully but he just does something weird like stall the car for a bit to see her properly. I got married recently and I find this habit of his really annoying. There’s a constant debate running in my head. Am I supposed to come to terms with this habit of his by thinking that men do check out attractive women? Wouldn’t something like this annoy any normal girl? If I confront him he might think I’m being over possessive.
Angela, The words you have said have really inspired me. ( apologies for any bad spelling ) And i want to ask your permission if i may use what you’ve said in a book i am writing. I will ofcourse put you in it thanking you for the inspiration. My fiance did it once and never again after that thankfully. If you could get back to me soon on here or even by email that would be great thank you xxx [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
thats my emial.
Clear communication is such an important part of finding a solution to issues like this. So many times the things I think I am saying are not what is being heard by my spouse and sometimes the things I think I hear my spouse saying don match with what is actually being said. It takes creativity to rethink how I can communicate–both in the giving and receiving of messages–in order to have true mutual understanding. No matter how convinced I am that I have communicated well, if it isn’t having a transformational impact then I need to do things differently. That’s why a marriage counselor can be so helpful. They have creative ideas of how to change the way you and your spouse communicate that will improve how well you understand one another.
If it’s so ‘natural’ for men to do this…then why does it feel so unnatural for women to accept it and why do men dislike it also when done to them. It’s just our society today teaching people to do whatever makes them ‘feel good’…instant gratification. People have lost control over themselves and they are being told hey it’s ok…it’s natural. Nope. Sorry. God says it’s adultry to even look lustfully at another when you are married and God doesn’t ever give us tasks which are impossible. I am sorry you ladies are hurting over this. I know if you are anything like me…if they only made you feel like you were the only woman in the world for them, it would pay off big time for them, in bed, our attitudes…etc…we’d be the wommen they fell in love with wouldn’t we? But this crushes our spirits.
This issue causes me so much pain in my relationship, I feel so degraded and like I am stabbed in the heart each time he does it. I hurt so badly watching him.
Angela< I could have not said those words any better.Your comments moved me so much you made me cry.I agree 100%.you seem to express every word the same way as I feel/felt inside.Thank you!! I hope you dont mind if I share this on my blog.I hope someday some men will see it and change.God Bless You!
The oldest swimsuit model on SI currently is 20 years old and began her ‘career’ when she was just 17 years old. Men of all ages are staring at this girl and drooling as if she is the most beautiful goddess ever to walk the earth. Next month it will be another, then another and on and on. They all look flawless on the cover pages. With endless lighting tricks, cameras that can add to or take away anything, elongate the torso, legs and arms, erase strech marks or acne and many other things. The final product has been airbrushed to perfection and then fed to mindless baffoons as reality. When in fact and if ANYONE takes any time out to look up these GIRLS in real life without all the camera tricks and makeup, not to mention plastic surgery, hair extentions and fake eyelashes, most of these GIRLS are just your average looking female. A lot of them in fact are homlier than a mans own wife or girl friend. But what does SHE do as so many girls do these days to take all that attention? She bares it all. She throws her clothes off for millions of strangers around the world to be fantasized about by men and boys. A lot of the men oogling these GIRLS are old enough to be their father or even grandfathers. Instead of seeing it for what it is, fake, immoral and degrading to women they use them for their personal pleasure in their imaginations. Replacing their beautiful wives in their minds they masterbate with these images or even worse, think of them while making love to their wives. The WOMEN who bare not their bodies to the world but bear their children. The women who don’t sacrifice their bodies to other men but to their husbands and families. They work inside and often outside of the home, get little to no sleep. They cook, pay the bills, keep the home clean and like a castle for their men, with very little recognition. They vollunteer their time to the schools and other charities, they take care of the doctors and dental appointments….the list could go on and on…but at the end of the day, the woman who loves her man lays down in bed with him, tired as she is and finds time and energy to make love to him because she knows what he needs too and wants to express her love to him. And after all that he thinks of the 18-20 year old GIRL he oogled at earlier. The girl who does not yet know what motherhood is. The girl who can provide him nothing more than visual stimuation. The same as his wife could IF he would just pay attention to what he already has. When and if his wife discovers where his mind and eyes have been, she feels overlooked, she wonders what’s wrong with her. Why is she not enough? Is she not attractive? Does he love her? and more, if given the opportunity, would he actually go through with an affair? If he can think of it, he certainly could do it. Our thoughts are powerful and do lead to actions. This can work in both positive and negative ways. So then the wife starts losing her self esteem. Her ‘mojo’ as guys put it. She feels less energetic and willing to work so hard for her husband. After all, it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t feel as if he wants her anyhow. Why then is she letting herself get so tired at the end of the day only to muster up more energy to make love to him while he mentally makes love to a child. And sorry, but these girls ARE children. Scientifically proven that your brain is not fully developed until you are 25 years of age. This is why you cannot rent a car at a car rental until you are 25. You are a liability. These girls are into something now which will leave them with little other options in the future. Once they are barely 30 they have to retire because now they are considered old and washed up. A lot of these girls go into hard core porn. Why not? Because like it or not what they are doing now IS nothing more than soft porn. Sadly we see it everyday. It’s unacceptable for a female to go out in public in her bra and underwear but somehow the barely there thong bikinis are perfectly normal? And a man can have a wife just as or even more sexy than the girl showing it all off but he will day dream about the girl bareing it all instead of his wife because simply she is bareing it all? Most of these men at the same time do not want their wives or daughters to do it themselves? Why the double standards? You want your cake and to eat it too? You want your wife all to yourself but you don’t have to be all to her? A mans reaction to a female ESPECIALLY a young girl bareing it all should not be to stare, drool and hoot and hollar but to be a man and see the shame in that girls behavior and to realize that somewhere in that girls head she is misguided or has low self worth to think that all she is worth in life is to be a piece of meat for a man. But then we hear all kinds of excuses. He’s a man, he can’t help himself. Well men, to all of you who say that, you majorly cut yourselves down. You want your wives to respect you and adore you and yet you act like out of control children and use your gender as your excuse? So when your wife has pms because she is a woman and someone makes her angry and she just wants to rip their heads off…can she? Cause after all, she is a woman and cannot help herself. Boys, GROW UP!!! Breasts are breasts and bottoms are bottoms. Find a woman you are attracted to so you are satisfied and keep your eyes on her. She WILL notice if you do and if you don’t. If you don’t you will take a great deal away from her and thus your marriage. If you do, she will blossom. You want her to have that energy to make love to you? You want her to WANT to keep that house clean and cook your favorite meals? You want her to be happy and have a warm and inviting smile on her face when you come home to her? She NEEDS to know SHE is ALL you WANT!!!!! A woman who knows that would go to the ends of the world for the husband that shows her that. This doesn’t mean you will never notice people. As a human you will notice all people, ugly, fat, skinny, beautiful, short, tall, male and female…things will catch your eyes for many different reasons. But if you don’t keep your eye on the ball (your wife) you will get hit upside the head with it!! Stop making excuses for yourselves. You cannot get the respect you want when you do not earn it. They (whoever ‘they’ are) like to say men are visual. Let me enlighten you people. Just because someone coins some saying doesn’t mean it’s true. “THEY” say a lot of things…and “THEY” aren’t always right. You think women are not visual. News flash, we are more so than men!!! Look at how we create beauty in everything we do. Our gardens, homes, our clothing, hair, make up. We are absolute perfectionists. In bed don’t fool yourselves into thinking there aren’t things we prefer were there or weren’t there. We don’t find beer guts attractive for instance. A lot of women find a mans bottom to be very attractive. Abs…abs are big with ladies. Eyes…that’s my thing. We are VERY visually stimulated in all aspects of life. We ALSO notice people…men and women. I have encountered men who flirt with me with their eyes all the time. Some good looking and some not so much. My instant reaction to this is to look away. Especially if at first glace I notice he is attractive to me, I look away and within seconds I have no idea what he even looked like. I don’t allow myself to be taken in by his looks and charm and the obvious compliment he is giving me by flirting. Sadly so many of these men who have done this to me do so with their wives within a few inches from them. Maybe she is talking to someone else or shopping the isles. I feel badly when this happens. I gained a little weight since having my last baby but before that I was thin and I am an attractive person, not perfect but I get my fair share of attention. I hate it when men act this way around me and I see the look of hate in their wives eyes towards me. They are hurt, threatened and jealous. I don’t want to be the reason they feel that way and I don’t want them to hate me. This is why I will not walk around with my body parts exposed. I wouldn’t want it done to me and it’s just sad that women can’t look out for each other. Instead, we compete. So many women LIKE the attention from men and other womens husbands. It gives them the ego boost they need cause maybe they didn’t get it at some point in their lives or maybe they don’t from their husbands. I don’t know, but it’s sad. It’s don’t do to others what you don’t want done to you. There is NOTHING wrong with taking care of yourself and you should even more so when you are a wife. It shows love to your husband. But, to walk around with tight jeans that show every curve or low cut tops and thigh high skirts? I find myself giving dirty looks to men who look at me with their wives by their side and I even said to one once…keep your eyes on your own woman! He looked shocked. If more people stood for what was right in this world, there wouldn’t be so much saddness, divorce and chaos. LADIES…listen!!!! These days now it’s ‘popular’ for women to go with their husbands to the strip bars. They watch porn WITH them, they say, boys will be boys and claim it doesn’t bother them at all. They try to be ‘cool’ about it because A.) they want their men to think they are cool B.) They don’t think they are special enough to have a man only want them. C.) they want to ‘up’ other women by coming off as ‘cool’ so men will like them better than the supposedly ‘jealous’ women. Ladies listen, if you are honest with yourselves you only act this way NOT because you are secure but more the opposite. You will fool only foolish people. Smart people can see right through it. You don’t seem to think you are good enough to have a man love and want only you. You have seen sooooooo many men oogle other women that you now feel you just have to find a way to be cool with it or be alone. Maybe, your dad left when you were little and you blamed your mom somehow because you heard them fighting and you just wished mom would be “cool’ so dad didn’t leave. You have serious abandonment issues and you use your aloof attitude as a defense mechanisim. My husbands ex IS this girl. She flipped out when him and I got together and showed dangerous amounts of jealousy…stalking etc. Yet no one could believe it because they never saw her jealous before. They knew her to check out women with him and encourage it, she went to strip bars etc. So when things got heated between her and I, I got blamed cause no one understood that she has severe jealousy and low self esteem which is WHY she did those things with him. The really ironic part is that I GOT accused of being the jealous one because I have zero tolerance for it. When in fact it’s the total opposite. I simply instead feel entitled. He married ME after all. I AM THE ONE here working day in and day out by HIS SIDE to make a life for us and our children. I feel I deserve every bit of his love and attention. I take care of myself best I can for him and I care very much to meet his needs. I am not willing to share him even in thought with another woman BECAUSE I THINK I AM WORTHY. So ladies, to all of you who are brain washed by the ‘boys will be boys’ theory…YES!!!! BOYS will be BOYS!!! First, you need to grow up and become a WOMAN and then stop playing with BOYS and find a MAN!!!!! Men, you have a choice just like anyone does…between right and wrong. There are hundreds of beautiful women out there. You chose your wife. Like it not ALL other women are now dead to you. In a sexual way at least. Your vows did not have any fine print. You now belong to one another. Don’t listen to the fools who say you are an individual and that she doesn’t own you. She DOES!!!! The bible says so. You are now ONE flesh. You own each other totally. So be careful who you choose. Be sure she/he is THE ONE. Since you are one flesh what you do to or with yourselves WILL effect the other one and then will effect you. You can’t get away from it. If you hurt her, it will hurt yourself. You need to stop making excuses for yourselves. A woman respects a man of accountability. She wants him to be and she wants him to have friends who also are. A man who is to be respected hangs out with other men who can be respected, other men of accountability. I assure you, if you behaved in this way you would see a whole new woman in your wife. Personally, I feel more beautiful when he shows me that I am the apple of his eye. When I see his eyes stay on me when another attractive women walks past, I grow more beautiful inside…I act more beautiful, I stand taller, smile more and suddenly I look more beautiful and he notices too. Every time his eyes wander, I die a little inside…smile less, grow angrier,want to do less for him and the household, I get more tired and take less care of myself. Why bother? He doesn’t notice anyways. You HAVE to water and feed the plant that is your marriage or it will wither. Then the sad irony is this…you end up wanting a divorce or you end up actually cheating (you already did in your mind by the way). Then you blame her. She let herself go, she was always ‘nagging’. She never smiled and you dreaded coming home to her. Instead of listening to her when she tried to tell you what was wrong, you made excuses for yourself, your buddies and all of the world seem to think it’s ok to behave this way so you accuse your wife of having low self esteem or trying to control you…you cut her down instead of taking any responsibility…as the fights grow larger you begin to get sick of it and shut down and you stop listening to her or caring anymore. When she cries you feel cold inside instead of hugging her and saying, what did I do to let it get this way and what can we do to fix it? You didn’t listen to her…she changed, got lazy and depressed, maybe let herself go and gained weight. So now you have a reason to leave. You fail to see that you literally starved that plant (your marriage) of the food, water and sunshine that it needed. It died. And instead of seeing that YOU starved it…you say,”must have been a bad plant, I’ll just get a new one and try again’. News flash, 70% of second marriages fail, 80% of third marriages fail. If you don’t change your patterns, nothing else will change. Some lyrics to a song says this…and these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again, if you’d only try TURNING AROUND. Be a man of accountability and you will have a relationship of a lifetime and best friend and soul mate in your wife. Cause there is no such thing as a ‘soulmate’. Sure, you will have more in common with a certain person or another. You need to have basic principles in common to have a harmoneous life BUT, you CAN make or break just about any relationship. If you marry her, you owe her yourself completely…and vice versa. What you put in, you will get back 10 fold….that’s biblical. Don’t make friends with males who are out of control of themselves. They will lead you down a path to marital destruction. You will go to their homes and there will be movies and magazines you have no business looking at. You will go out and they will want to go to strip bars or they will look at every decent looking girl that walks past. If you even attempt to talk reason with them regarding it they will say you are whipped or otherwise tease you and eventually you will be by their side doing the same things OR since your wife will see you with him and know his behavior she will have to constantly wonder if you are doing it too which also causes issues. Your wife should NEVER have to worry. She shouldn’t be home caring for your children while you are out with people like this. Be picky about who you let into your circle. A true friend cares about your well being, thus, they care about the quality of your marriage. If they don’t then they aren’t a true friend. A true friend would see you glancing at a woman and remind you how beautiful your wife is, what a great lady she is and how lucky you are. They would snap you back into reality. Don’t think these men don’t exist. They do. Yes they are far and few…mostly they are good mature Christian men. Or maybe a man who fell down the wrong path and lost his family and the pain taught him some hard lessons. Either way, be picky. So, what’s your choice? You can chase your fantasy or you can live a real fantasy. Turn your wife into your fantasy…remember what you love about her…show her. She IS waiting and wanting. She loves you and needs to know you love her too. Where are the MEN of accountability?
I guess that’s one of the reasons why marriage vows often commit to love for better and for worse. It is terribly hard to suffer for your spouse’s mistakes but when we are able to grow through those mistakes it makes our love for one another stronger. I know that doesn’t make it any easier when everything is ‘sucking’ but that truth gets proved out again and again. There’s a video I saw a while ago that had a number of people sharing about that very truth. You can see it at http://powertochange.com/itv/family/tough-times.
Jamie, Yes we have tried marriage counseling and advice from his grandmother on how to deal and understand each other. It was all for the moment because when things get tough between us all the sessions flew out the window and seemed like it was more of a temporary thing. i feel our relationship has to be near falling apart before he wants to try to make things better. All the while I feel like I am suffering inside and I know he sees it but chooses to look the other way. Than you once again and I will continue to pray for us all and for strength to smile through my trials as they are all part of Gods plan to mature us. At times it sucks to know I have to suffer because of his issues….
Jessica my heart grieves with you. That must be so hard to see your husband forcing the attention of women at such a significant time as the birth of your child. I heard some expert claim once that there are really only a few actual marriage problems but many marriages are plagued by personal problems that get brought into the marriage. I would agree with you that your husband’s issue has less to do with you and so much more to do with him. However, you have a part to play in his healing. One of the beautiful parts of marriage is that the strengths of one in the couple is able to help the weaknesses of the other. The hard part is trying to convince the one with the problem that their attitude and behaviour is a problem.
I guess the other part of it is that you need to guard yourself against reacting poorly to his issues. His breach of trust can put you in a place of expecting the worst of him and that can be devastating in a relationship. That’s why honest non-confrontational communication is a key skill in marriage. You need to be able to let him know how his behaviours impact you but in a way that doesn’t accuse and tear him down. You guys are a team and it is far better to work together on these problems rather than opposing one another.
I am sure that you have tried doing that kind of communication and I know it is so hard when it seems like only you care about relating that way. That’s why a counsellor can be so helpful. An objective person can help each one see how they are contributing and derailing that kind of conversation. Have you guys ever seen a counsellor?
Hi Bugzygirl, I am concerned about you. I never like to hear that a man hits his wife. That is no way for a man to deal with his anger and it becomes a very destructive relationship for you. Does he hit you very often? Have you ever called the police when he does that?
What started you praying? Has God been a part of your life before?
Hi. It has been quite sometime since I have been on here, but i just wanted an opinion of my situation-straight up My husband used to be SEVERLY addicted to porn, computers, magazines and of course ogling woman’s areas even when right next to me. As of this day he has not been on a computer (we got rid of his) and placed passwords on mine, all gaming systems are monitored or locked up at night (yes, by his suggestion) because of his lack of self control. Well i have a new concern. Though we do all that and he claims he no longer has a problem I feel it is wrong. When we are driving he does side glances at woman and young girls ( i am 28, he is 24) so imagine they are still in high school okay… and he claims he didn’t do nothing. I recently gae birth to my newborn son and in the hospital he would not move out of the way for the nurses to examine me so he was nar touching them. Several even asked him to sit down and after when i was settled in my room I walked out of the bathroom wth my husband engading the nurse in questions he alreadyknew the answer to. He does this when there is a person he is interested in whether on the phone (by voice) or in person he will sit there and play ignorant purposly so that they talk to him for a long time. It makes me angry because I know for a fact he DOES know better but does it for attention. I get mad only not hurt because if its not straight out looking at porn or breasts and what not it is trying to make every situation about himself. I feel he plays an act for whatever type of person he is around just for attention like we are in the jungle and he needs to scream the loudest to be seen. Help because I get so irritated I sometimes want him to leave so I dont have to suffer for his problems. I feel like I have to suffer for his personal problems and I have been doing ti for 5 years. please tell me if I am the insecure one. or what to do here, because when he does these things I do Not feel like I’m ugly because I know that I am a smart, self respecting, beautiful woman but i do get angry, but i stopped while back thinking something was wrong with me and believing fully it is him. I know “they” say we are a couple and it is our problems and we should help each other but I honestly feel it is his problem he needs to deal with for how long it has been going on for. I need a break and wish he would grow up fast.
I can relate to most of these emotions.For a few months now I have been devastated of what I have found on my husbands internet history.We got married seven months ago and finding out that he was checking out explicit materiel was heart shattering.Its not porn per se.sex clips,tips,half naked women working out…etc.I had found his history both on his laptop and phone,which he dined saying it was some virus that has left spam.Although I wasnt convinced I believed him because this man was completely crazy over me before we were married.The third time I caught him good and he partially admitted that He watched other womens videos online.He killed me with those words.Later he would act victimized and fight and cry and drink! I was so helpless.here I was the victim and there he was trying to be one.I usually forgive very easy but this time I got depressed and it kept bugging me.affecting my mentality,sex life,relationships with others.I thought it will go away if I give it time,but the hurt kept getting worse cuz I felt I wasnt good enough.as Im small made and ok looking.When I really spoke to him about it he said that He was so sick of fighting with me over the past years(for various reasons,like all couples do) that He didnt see the point of avoiding all that because apparently I hadnt appreciated the fact that he didnt do those things before>what i dont understand is that “why does he need to be appreciated for not looking at other people” when thats the normal thing people in committed relationships do.I mean,I could have found myself a fling too right? something to get over the pain of the horrible fights where he beats me sometimes.He has a major temper problem and I have started to understand that But I know being with someone is a bigger commitment and running off to watch virtual women with big butts and boobs are not the answer to the problem and it obviously does not make it okay.He did say he knows that.but i hate how he says the former.I finally made him promise that i want to start over with him and all that.but its so hard to get over all the painful memories it has bright me after only 7 months of marriage.i didnt expect that love/emotion/honesty blows out so soon! anyways i have begun to pray and it does give me sence of strength.like im not alone.and thats the only reason I try eachday.
Im so tankful I found this site.I can relate to most of these emotions.For a few months now I have been devastated of what I have found on my husbands internet history.We got married seven months ago and finding out that he was checking out explicit materiel was heart shattering.Its not porn per se.sex clips,tips,half naked women working out…etc.I had found his history both on his laptop and phone,which he dined saying it was some virus that has left spam.Although I wasnt convinced I believed him because this man was completely crazy over me before we were married.The third time I caught him good and he partially admitted that He watched other womens videos online.He killed me with those words.Later he would act victimized and fight and cry and drink! I was so helpless.here I was the victim and there he was trying to be one.I usually forgive very easy but this time I got depressed and it kept bugging me.affecting my mentality,sex life,relationships with others.I thought it will go away if I give it time,but the hurt kept getting worse cuz I felt I wasnt good enough.as Im small made and ok looking.When I really spoke to him about it he said that He was so sick of fighting with me over the past years(for various reasons,like all couples do) that He didnt see the point of avoiding all that because apparently I hadnt appreciated the fact that he didnt do those things before>what i dont understand is that “why does he need to be appreciated for not looking at other people” when thats the normal thing people in committed relationships do.I mean,I could have found myself a fling too right? something to get over the pain of the horrible fights where he beats me sometimes.He has a major temper problem and I have started to understand that But I know being with someone is a bigger commitment and running off to watch virtual women with big butts and boobs are not the answer to the problem and it obviously does not make it okay.He did say he knows that.but i hate how he says the former.I finally made him promise that i want to start over with him and all that.but its so hard to get over all the painful memories it has bright me after only 7 months of marriage.i didnt expect that love/emotion/honesty blows out so soon! anyways i have begun to pray and it does give me sence of strength.like im not alone.and thats the only reason I try eachday.
Dear Figureingitout, thank you for being open and sharing your concerns and feelings about men. It is lovely that you have chosen to be celibate. Keeping yourself pure until the right husband comes along is beautiful in the eyes of God. Not all men have roaming eyes. There are very good, godly men out in the world. One of the most important things a single woman can do is continuously pray to God regarding their future, potential spouse. God desires and loves to see a “male and female” in a healthy, loving, wholly, and happy relationship with one another being a blessing to each other. I pray that God blesses you with a wonderful man on behalf of your obedience in keeping yourself pure while waiting for His best to come along and be a complement to you.
Dear Maree, I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with at this time with your husband. Especially at a time that both of you should be happy and rejoicing with the new addition, your baby, to your family. Are you and your husband Believers in the Lord? Having God in out lives makes a huge differnace in overcoming these types of issues.
You mentioned that he used pornography while you were pregnant. Is he still clinging to this misbehavior and addiction? It is good that you realize that his behavior and misconduct towards you is not healthy and that you need not put up with it much longer if he is not willing to work on resolving the issues of concern. Have you asked him if he would seek marriage counseling with you? Does he realize that if he continues in this fashion that you are contemplating on ending your relationship?
Maree, may you know that no matter how your husband treats you or views your outward appearance…God loves and adores you unconditionally. Your husband’s wondering eyes toward other women is a fleshly, carnal thing that is currently controlling him. God’s Word says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” (Proverbs 31:30) God’s word also says, “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfolding beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)
Maree, your husband, and many others judge by outward appearance but God looks at the heart of the person. Those other women might be lovely outwardly but inwardly they might not hold the inner beauty of God’s love and spirit that you posses. Regardless of your size, height, weight, or shape God adores you and your new little bundle of joy! Don’t allow your husbands poor choices and behavior take that away from you. See if he is willing to seek marriage counseling before his misbehavior and conduct destroys your marriage and family.
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I pray on behalf of Maree and her new little baby too. I ask that you would protect and blanket them from all harm. I ask that You Spirit comfort Maree through this ordeal she is currently facing with her husband. I pray that You would give her wisdom, insight, knowledge and clarity as to what steps they need to take in possibly resolving all the issues that are currently destroying their relationship. I pray that You begin to work on Maree’s husband heart at this very moment so that when she confronts him about seeking help he will be open to taking that step. In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Jackson,
Thank you so much for saying that. It gives me so much hope – what you have desribed is exactly the kind of relationship I long to have. It actually made me cry. Everything I have read about men and how visual they are has made me decide that I should stay single forever. If men are all that way, I don’t want them.
I am considered a very beautiful and sexually attractive woman, however I have chosen to be celibate for years until I can come to terms with this supposed wiring of men. Why should I give my man my body, my heart, my soul and my mind when supposedly they are incapable of the same devotion? You know what it does? It rips my heart out when my man looks at another woman. Oh, I’ve tried all kinds of things, working on my self esteem blah blah. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the men’s problem and the way they have been conditioned by the media and our society. I’d rather be without a man like that, then to give him everything and he supposedly can’t help himself and has to check out other females. On the other side of the coin, I have also been deconditioned of a lot of the female programming. I don’t expect my man to provide for me anything I cannot provide for myself.
I don’t believe God would be so cruel to women. Ladies, you manifest the kind of mate you want, hold out until you get it, and heal yourself. Your love is worth so much more than to marry some guy with a wandering eye.
Im so glad to have found this website, it’s exactly what I’m going through, though I feel it’s not just a case of my husband checking out other women. In the past he has been mentally and emotionally abusive towards me by checking out other women then letting me know he compares them to me and that he feels he resents me cos of what he thinks he is missing out on and that they are better than me and my body is out of shape though he never gave me any mercy I had just given birth to a 10 pound baby which for me being 5’2 isnt the size if child a woman of my stature should be giving birth to. This was a time when he used pornography all the time and was showing interest in other women who resembled girls who looked like those in porn videos with big breasts and big butts, I’m only a small petite woman though I can say I am quite attractive. This absolutely cut me up inside, I had been with my husband for almost 5 years at the time and never once cared if he looked at other women, I don’t even think i went out of my way to see if he was checking out other women cos I knew he was married to me and I was confident enough that he was a faithful spouse, but now he can’t even keep his eyes on while having a conversation if we are out in public his eyes seem to wander all the time, I don’t feel appreciated I don’t even feels his man is attracted to me anymore when I try and tell him how his behaviour has hurt me he denies it and becomes emotionally abusive towards me or if he doesn’t become angry he says he doesn’t want other women though he tells me when he looks at them he says he could see himself with them and that he wants them and that he wished for a prenup incase he might screw up but then tells me those thiughts are just dumy thoughts they are not true, even though he has said he would sleep with other women but would want to be back with me after! I can’t take another day of this I’ve decided to leave for good. I don’t feel I should have to put up with all this mental and emotional chaos. I’m too exhausted to try anymore. Does my husband have a deeper problem or is he just telling me what he really feels and thinks?
Hi Jackson,
Interesting that you mention Soul-mate. I knew a couple some years ago, that were very happily married and were our Bible study leaders. She said that her Soul-mate was married to another woman, but in spite of that she was blessed and happy to be married to this great Christian man! It was a matter of commitment to them. They felt that it was better to appreciate each other than to worry about, or long for, another person (Soul-mate or not).
My eyes were prone to wander when I was distressed about my wife’s obesity. Now the Lord has helped my to accept her and to love her for who she is, and to try to help her rather than to feel sorry for myself. It is a matter of perspective, and I am the happier for it! So is she!
Thank you Doris, i will check on these author’s you have suggested. I thank the Lord for having “power to change”, and those who give understanding advice. When there are problems as serious as this where it can escalate into the unknown… it can change any human being. The way we think, what we do, how we see our spouse/ourselves. The Lord is building my confidence. My main thing is I never want to wait till it’s too late. Prayer is my sheild and I just pray that I don’t have to try so hard anymore, It’s so exhausting in mind and spirit! You have a blessed day Doris, I truly appreciate your advice.
Jackson I agree that there is such a thing as finding your soulmate, that person that you are madly in love with and can’t get enough of. But that doesn’t mean that the husband might not still have issues looking at other women as the author of this article indicates.
Lauri, may I suggest that you need to openly communicate with your husband how you feel? Both of the authors above indicate that it is very important to have open communication about it. In any marriage there are tough issues and the only way we can deal with those is to dive in and talk about it, not matter how difficult it seems. By doing so we can strengthen our relationship.
I want to share a point of view that does not seem to have been covered. Soulmate.
I was engaged to a woman who was very nice, okay in the looks department, but we were never 100% in sync with each other. One shortfall for me was the amount of physical attraction I felt for her. On her end, she complained that we were never emotionally connected as a husband and wife should be. My eyes always wandered, and we eventually broke off the engagement.
That was many years ago, I am now married to a woman that my eyes can’t drink in enough of her beauty. As a result, I pour my emotions into her based on my physical attraction to her, and she feels complete knowing I only have eyes for her, and we are closing in on our 25th year.
She is my soulmate, an angle, and is truly better looking to me today than when I first met her!
Thank you Jeh…I work daily to forgive i don’t know what else to do. It’s so deceiving, hurts to the core. I feel like if I turn a blind eye it gets worse. I hate to be “the nagging wife” I hear him making comments of other people we know going thru rough times and I think to myself???What about your wife, and how he act’s like its okay to do what he does without guilt. Human nature on one hand is normal to see a beautiful woman, look and not stare up and down like he can’t get a complete mental picture…but when you don’t appreciate your own wife and all she has to offer, then it becomes harder. I hate to feel like i need to compete and do more to one up~on other women! i pray daily that i see more of his tender ways and attention towards me. Pornography was a big problem in the past. I suffer in silence, pray. building confidence thru christ is the only way. not all days are bad, so i look towards the good days and replay it over in my mind so my heart stays soft. i am pretty sure he loves me more than he shows!! Lord help this challenge in our marriage and let my husband feel complete, in Jesus name Amen!
Lauri, I too have been in a long term relationship and I know how that intuition can be and how hard it is to get over. My advice to you is this FORGIVE him, that’s the only way to start to dig out of that hole you see yourself crawling into. Also ALWAYS trust your intuition. God gives you that little voice inside of you for a reason and it is never wrong when you learn to trust them.God may be trying to show you something that you may not be ready to accept or see. Pray, pray and pray. Trust that God will never steer you wrong. I hope this helps you! God Bless!
My husband and i are together for over 20 yrs. I love Jesus, and have never given up praying even when there has been many times i felt like just crawling in a hole and never come out!!I have been very honest with him on my feelings and very open with him in our relationship, as we all have up’s and down’s….off and on over the years i see him watching and checking out other woman. I recently asked him WHY? he said he guessed he takes me for granted after we have been together for so long. I told him to just be honest with me already it tears me apart bit by bit to see my love doing this in front of me. He has been very personal and close with another woman in the past,(over 2 yrs. ago) which i thought was gonna end in divorce (this was the first time i felt like hating him…Because a man never realizes how hard it is to recover from hurt like that! He never ever is jealous in any way??? kinda feels like he don’t care if he has his wife or not? I never do stupid things or want anyone else, to try to make him jealous. I have had an alot of mean things happen to me in the past so i am outspoken or blunt when other men try anything. i just wish he would notice his WIFE more. Other woman are a dime a dozen and he has a million dollar wife. I adore my husbands good qualities, that I fell in love with…but wish he would see what he has right in front of him. My faith waver’s every now and then. I really don’t speak of this to anyone. I work @ home and am always busy…It’s not right to discuss personal things like this with people who are close to me? Lord help me. i need advice on how or why old memories i wish i could forget pop up in my thinking. Or i get that intuition like i need to check on him(but don’t) i hold it in, as to not disturb the peace. It’s very lonely when i feel like this.
Veronica, I have a friend who had a similar background to your husband. He also got exposed to pornography at an early age and that became something that really took control of his life. He was also involved in police work which has a lot of family pressures. His use of internet pornography eventually led to making online connections with women and ultimately an affair with an under aged girl. Needless to say, it devastated his wife and was a killer for their family. Both of them were Christians, involved in our local church but he had kept this part of his life secret from many people. His involvement with a minor became public knowledge and he went through a very embarrassing court case which left him dismissed from his position on the force and a target for the local media.
I totally anticipated that their marriage would end and they would move away and never hear from them again. I am happy to say that has not happened. They are still married and are one of the happiest, most in love couples in our church and community. If you would ask either of them how this could be they will both say that it is because of Jesus Christ. Neither of them felt like they could save their marriage but they both were committed to depending on Jesus’ strength and leading in their lives. It has not been an easy path for them at all but God has helped break the husband free from strangle hold of pornography in his life, and his wife has seen Jesus create true forgiveness in her heart.
I don’t know what your experience with Jesus or church has been but I can tell you that Jesus can take the unhealthiness in your marriage and give you both new life and love. The Bible says, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did.” (2Corinthians 5:17-18) If you want to find out more about how Jesus can do that in your life have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose.
You can also hear directly from another couple of how Jesus saved their marriage that had been broken by an affair. Their story is at http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again
I hate to upset anyone here but men do check out other women. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or are not committed to you. Men’s brains are wired much differently than womens brains. Men are always thinking about sex. Whether they like to admit it or not. Men think with their sexual organs and not their brains. Sorry guys! If a man is honest, he will admit that!
my husband is often looking at other woman, at times in front of me…he has used pornography since he was 10 years old……he says that looking at videos or pictures is not cheating on me…..one time we had made love, after i noticed he went downstairs.. i found him masturbating to a video in the internet. He claims we don’t have enough sex…..last night in front of me invited our friend’s daughter to dinner, because she helped him out to get a ticket to a festival he really wants to go. He was talking with J and I said “lets take her out to dinner”…instead he says to her “I am going to pick up the ticket and I want to take you out to dinner”………another time, he send an email to one of our kids friend…. (I work with publishing companies and they often send me books)…I had 3 books i wanted to gift to these woman…later on I found out, my husband sent her an email and it says “I am sending you some books for your beautiful sons”
it is clear to me that we have an issue….. “I versus WE”
what do you think?
I am so sorry that you have been treated so poorly by your husband Alice. I am amazed at how someone with such strong religious convictions about divorce could at the same time ignore Jesus’ warning “I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) It reminds me of what James wrote, “If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are just fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.” (James 1:26)
But those are things I should be saying to your husband, not to you. For you Alice, the focus needs to be on helping your husband understand how hurtful his words and actions are. You can’t assume that he knows or hope that he gets the hints. You need to be creative in the different ways you try to help him to understand. If he doesn’t get it one way try saying it in a different way that perhaps will get his attention. I think of the way the prophet Nathan helped King David to realize the extent of his sin: instead of confronting him out right he told a story that paralleled David’s sin with Bathsheba. When David heard the story he did not realize that he was the one who was being talked about and he exploded with righteous indignation. After his declaration that any man who would commit such cruelties should be punished severely Nathan quietly said, “You are that man.” And David was broken and repented of his sin (you can read the whole story in 2Samuel 11-12)
Let me encourage you to pray and ask God for help in a creative way to communicate to your husband how you are hurt by the things he says and does. You can be sure that God wants him to stop and so He is going to help you.
Dear Lord, I know that Your heart is broken when You see marriages being torn apart by pornography. I pray Lord that You heal Alice’s marriage and help her husband to discover You in a way that transforms every aspect of who he is. I pray that You would give Alice creative ideas for communicating with her husband and that You would open his ears and heart to hear the hurt he has caused. Father I also pray for Alice that she is comforted by You and that she too finds help in You. May she hear from You the words of love and affirmation from You that she is not getting from her husband. May she know that You value her as a precious treasure and have paid the ultimate price to set her free. May she be able to say with the Apostle Paul, “I can do all things through Jesus who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13) In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
Alice it can be helpful to have someone to talk through things with. Let me invite you to connect with one of our online mentors. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email.
My husband tells me that I ruined his favorite body, that I am unattractive and there is nothing about me to compliment. We were married 43 years ago and I was 18 and very sexy. Now, in my 60′s, my body has changed a lot and medical problems have caused a weight gain. I try to look the best I can, but he never says anything even when I practically beg for a comment. I get “what can I say”?He constantly looks at porn and post comments to these women telling them how great they look. He looks at these pictures and then deletes computer history before he comes to have sex with me. He says little derogatory comments to me and then says he was joking around. He has always said that he doesn’t believe in divorce because of very strong religious reasons.
Dear Arianna,
Thank you for your honesty and courage to share. I know exactly what it’s like to want to have your husband’s full attention and then feel disappointed. Just like Rose mentioned below, we want to be the “one and only.” So many couples are going through just the kind of thing you described, so be encouraged that there is hope!
The first thing I always do is pray. Do you have a relationship with Jesus? I would turn to Him. I tell Him exactly how I feel, express my pain, my sadness, my insecurities… and then I would listen to what He has to say about me. For example, when I read my Bible, I know that I am precious, a jewel in His hand, unique, the apple of His eye and dearly, dearly loved. Next, I would ask Him, “Lord, what should I do?” then I would listen to His still, small voice, the one that is deep in my heart. He always guides me. For example, if it is a conversation that I need to have, He gives me the right timing and the peace that I need in my heart to speak patiently, quietly, lovingly… so that it doesn’t explode into a fight or more hurt feelings. If there is a change I can make, like doing something special for my husband to let him know how much I love him, then the Lord will give me that idea. Sometimes the best thing I can do is pray, for myself and for my husband. There is a book that I have found so, so helpful. It is called “The Power of Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. As I pray I find it is amazing the way the Lord answers prayer!!! As we trust in Him we see changes in ourselves and our husbands that we never could have achieved by willpower, nagging, sulking or fighting.
Maybe you want to consider corresponding with one of our mentors? You can connect online http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
In any case, you are not alone and I will continue praying for you and your husband. I pray that the Lord would strengthen your marriage and grow both of your hearts to be bigger, more tender and more attentive to one another’s needs. God is able, He is with you and FOR your marriage, so put your trust in Him. His plan for you is good, pleasing and perfect!
Many blessings!
Kate
One thing that caught me about your post was you said you had a “revelation” and that word has significant meaning.
Jessica, thank you so much for sharing. It is really encouraging to hear about how you are taking the word of God to heart. Many people would say, “It’s impossible not to keep a record of wrongs” but your testimony shows that as we trust in the Lord, He makes it possible. It is also wonderful to hear that you and your husband have been studying the Bible together. I want to pray for you both:
Dear Lord, thank You so much for Jessica and her husband! Thank You for the good work You have begun in them and I pray that it will continue to completion, as You have promised. Continue to bond them together as husband and wife, continue to raise her husband up to be a man after Your own heart, continue to transform Jessica to be a wife of noble character, who is worth more than precious rubies. Guard their marriage against any attack, and teach them Holy Spirit to run to You for comfort and wisdom at every turn. Thank You Father for Your goodness and mercy! In Jesus’ name, Amen.
For sure. It was not always easy to not keep records of every wrong done to me and very hard not to pull out the “history book”, but in 1Corinthians 13:13 it clearly states what love is. I always felt some sort of conviction every time we had a separation due to my outburst and his denial to admitting how he’s hurt me. I just knew that I loved him very much and I had to remind my self of the positive changes my husband has done since being with me. I did a lot of praying for myself and for God to heal my husband of this illness. We started reading the bible and hearing sermons (Love Creflo Dollars teachings on husbands being Head of Christ) These have helped because it gave him an example of how a man should act towards his wife and how to love them. I know when you pray for God to help you in these issues you need to prepare yourself for the upcoming trials. God wants both of us as a couple to grow. His problem was mine because it hurt me and he was not in control of his eyes, hands, etc. it helped me a lot ( and as he told me, him as well) to not badger him but rather tell him in a loving way. Eventually he started opening his eyes and changing. If you love or value your relationship it is better not to make it worse by bringing up the wrongs each argument. Its best to be positive about it and do it in a calm setting, calm voice and as bad as it hurts do it lightly. The issues can not be swept under a rug because that will tear at our self esteem and happiness. I know it was not my place to change him but for God to convict and change him. I was just there to help him realize that those things are hurtful to another woman and are a problem. I often use the example of would he treat me that way in front of his grandmother because he treats her with such a respect that makes him stand up straighter. I am not clear of hurting and he is not free of temptation, but he knows of the things that hurt me. If he cares enough about himself and you he will not intentionally hurt you and I will not keep record. To me that just means not to make a huge deal about it, but to trust that he will grow and change. I do not want to hit the age where I am so old I do not know how to forgive because I am so bitter from holding in all the wrongs done to me.
well, last night i had a very upsetting revelation. watching his eyes and his entire body turn to watch a blonde lady walk by made me realize several things and this is why i am still crying today (if I can admit): i definitely felt a bit insecure because she was thinner than myself, even though I am considered an attractive sexy woman I would feel better if I could lose 5-7 lbs. Next, I felt like all the time I spent getting ready for him in front of the mirror was only appreciated by other men/ and people in general..not my husband. It was him who I strived to impress. Then, I questioned if my looks were not even what he really is attracted to. And finally, it really made me feel like I cannot be 100% certain that he would turn a woman down if I were not present.
hmm…I know what you psychologists would say if you were reading this…this one is loaded. i realized that the much dreaded question” omg! Don’t you trust me???” well…I guess not entirely….
Women like to think that they are special and the only one to their man. Especailly, when he tells her she is the only one, or she is everything to him… when he then looks at other women in front of her, in her mind, it places doubt in his words, because his actions betray them. It’s not always insecurity. I think respect and commitment comes into play also. I believe God made beauty to be adored. Admiring ones beauty is one thing, lusting is another. Women, in love, all about that person. We aren’t blind by no means, but, we are consumed by you guys. Men are wired not the same. That is not a bad thing. How long they look at girl, and how they look at her, to me, tells where their thoughts are.
You are so right Sarah! Scripture is very clear about that.
I like the question you suggested these ladies ask their husbands to help them to understand what their behavior is doing to you.
“But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even if it is your good eye – causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:28-29) Your man shouldn’t be looking at anyone else if he truly loves you, it’s a sin and it really hurts the feelings of the woman no matter how many times they “talk” about it. And what you really need to do is ask your husband “How would you feel if I told you I was still looking at other men as if I were still single?” he’s probably say he’d be very hurt and ask you not to look, and all you can do is ask the same from him in return to protect your love, your heart, your relationship, and your feelings.
Wow! Thanks Jessica. I really appreciate your willingness to share your experiences. It is good to know that there is hope for marriages trapped in this destructive patterns. I agree that God is able to bring a couple through a process of honesty, rebuilding, and commitment to love. I love your intention to keep no record of wrongs. That is a hard thing to do. Can you describe how God has helped you to live out that decision?
This is a situation I personally have been in. Let me tell you I met my husband as a very secure, confident woman, nor have I ever dealt with issues such as explained above, with my husband of four years now. I became very insecure and bitter over his pornography, did the “talks” with him and received semi- honest answers. As time passed I got to see how, when, what and where his problem came about. His triggers and such and truth came out. We turned to the Lord for guidance on our marriage. More truth came out, as bad as it hurt. Our relationship got worse before it got better. He had to be willing to work just as much as me to keep from acting out angrily from sheer sadness. To this day he has been given a new desire for me, I am still cautious but not insecure and it is his fault. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, nor does it envy. So with that said turn to the lord and it will be done. It takes a lot of faith, courage and strength to cope after, but if you love your spouse it is worth the end result. I am in no shape compleltey trusting of him, but I am happy we are making an effort to follow Gods commandments for our marriage. It is work in progress, not perfection. There are some things that God must do to work on a person and some that we must try and let the control to Him. It is very hard, trust me, but if you value your marriage then it must be done.
Hey Chris, that is great new about the ‘personality transplant’. That’s the promise for the followers of Jesus, “those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did.” (2Corinthians 5:17) One of the key truths in this promise is that the new life isn’t because of you but it is all the result of God’s work in you. Your answer to having a control on your eyes is also going to be God not you. I have heard it said that in Jesus day there were a group of Pharisees (a religious group of Jews) who were called ‘the black and blue Pharisees’ because in their attempts to avoid lust they would cover their eyes whenever they would see a woman, thus they often ended up with bruises from their collisions on the street. That is a great example of what can happen when we try to come up with a solution rather than looking to God to do the transplant of personality.
God wants you to respond properly to women (and everyone else for that matter) and He will help you to live that out. He will let you know when your attraction to women has crossed the line into lust. He will give you the strategies on how to resist the temptations which very well may include closing your eyes but it will be effective because God is the one who is initiating it rather than you. So ask Him to help you. When you feel like your looking is no longer pure, talk to God about it. It becomes one more moment in your life when you get to deepen your dependence on God which is what we were created for in the first place.
Just to educate those who don’t understand what a Pornography Addiction entails (and this was hours a day everyday for several years as a teen). This addiction especially when it is computerized images that one doesn’t interact with like a human but who one takes from as an object can because of the intensity of the need can literally cause a “dopamine hit” in the brain. This later becomes catastrophic because (especially in the case of my husband and others who begin as teenagers) it interferes with reality! Getting your brain to shoot out dopamine and then feeling that you need it as a hit to feel safe and nurtured is horrifying. He did not learn how to have real relationship – and this is devastating for any man. They are then stuck in a mental cycle. A very tortured cycle. I feel sorry for those who do not realize that this is a real self-esteem and intimacy issue. It has nothing to do with looking and appreciating other women in a NORMAL way. So to Michelle, I would NOT care if he was simply looking at other women (in that way)! I’m secure in myself intellectually, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Apparently you don’t care about having an insight into a real disease. Not my issue.
Now onto Lucy. I’m just sitting here shaking my head. I mean honestly I don’t understand the point of telling us that you lift weights and stay in shape. It’s great that you take care of yourself! That I understand. I do too and I used to be a runway and print ad model. But I don’t see myself as an object to be loved. I am a person to be loved. And men love women of all sizes and shapes. I applaud your commitment to stay healthy and fit, but don’t see how it figures into anything in this post.
Regarding the porn addiction: It is all mental at this point. He doesn’t view anything except what he has created in his mind He isn’t cheating. He is stuck in an obsessive-compulsive cycle of 1 million images in his brain. So, yes, the toll on the relationship has been intense. We’ll see what unfolds. I don’t just throw people away – but I will end it if he cannot heal it. Peace.
Chris- let me clear when I say “indulge” in your attraction, I by no means am implying that you imagine sexual things about them. That would not be how God wants you to view women, nor how us women would like to be viewed.
Chris- You actually seem like a decent guy. My opinion is, if you are not married, then it is okay to look and indulge in your attraction to women. You are SUPPOSED to do that. That is how we procreate. We have physical attraction that leads us to wanting to know more about the inside of the person. Then, marriage is when we feel love for the person based on the the harmony between the physical, spiritual and intellectual aspects of that person. The problem with looking after you’re married is that you are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE searching for the opposite sex anymore since you have already found the one that you promised befor GOD that you would become ONE with and love the way God loves us. This being said, I still, of course expect for men and women, even after marriage, to notice pretty people just as they might notice unattractive people. But, that should be all it is…a quick notice. The mental thought should be “that’s an attractive woman” or “that’s an attractive man”. A husband or a wife should not STARE and OOGLE at attractive people and indulge. That is when it becomes “cheating of the mind and heart”, which is mentioned in the bible. I think if a husband or a wife are truly in love with their spouses, this is not a problem at all….but, certainly will be harder at different times during a life long marriage. Good luck, and don’t be too hard on yoursef. It’s good to be attracted to women :)
Its interesting to read some of the reply’s from this story. Im a guy who has, a few months since, found god. In this new lease of life, i feel very blessed and am currently working on becoming more “holy”. I hate my old life now, and the fear of god has made me stop things from smoking to sex and is even beginning to work in giving me a personality transplant for the better. I respect women a lot more and am not as bitter critical and slanderous. Theres just one snag. The one thing i really find difficult to deal with is looking at other women. Im so frightened that in doing this im doing something wrong and only god knows. But i know that most people will just say its natural to look, but to be perfect in gods eyes we need to stop doing what we feel is wrong, and everytime i see a beautiful woman i just cant help but look in awe at god’s work, i guess this just defines me as a male. The difference is controlling it i think, but the only thing i cannot differentiate between is wether im just looking at women because they are beautiful, or because i lust after them??? Maybe the situation is more simple than we are all making it out to be and hopefully god will give us clearance on this matter.
permission
Lucy- you sounds like a 12 year old. Are you using your parents’ computer without permissin?