Comments on: My husband checks out other women

By: Rose

Rose — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:02:01 +0000

Women like to think that they are special and the only one to their man. Especailly, when he tells her she is the only one, or she is everything to him… when he then looks at other women in front of her, in her mind, it places doubt in his words, because his actions betray them. It’s not always insecurity. I think respect and commitment comes into play also. I believe God made beauty to be adored. Admiring ones beauty is one thing, lusting is another. Women, in love, all about that person. We aren’t blind by no means, but, we are consumed by you guys. Men are wired not the same. That is not a bad thing. How long they look at girl, and how they look at her, to me, tells where their thoughts are.

By: Doris

Tue, 15 May 2012 15:40:45 +0000

You are so right Sarah! Scripture is very clear about that.

I like the question you suggested these ladies ask their husbands to help them to understand what their behavior is doing to you.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Wed, 09 May 2012 19:13:46 +0000

“But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even if it is your good eye – causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:28-29) Your man shouldn’t be looking at anyone else if he truly loves you, it’s a sin and it really hurts the feelings of the woman no matter how many times they “talk” about it. And what you really need to do is ask your husband “How would you feel if I told you I was still looking at other men as if I were still single?” he’s probably say he’d be very hurt and ask you not to look, and all you can do is ask the same from him in return to protect your love, your heart, your relationship, and your feelings.

By: Jamie

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 15:13:25 +0000

Wow! Thanks Jessica. I really appreciate your willingness to share your experiences. It is good to know that there is hope for marriages trapped in this destructive patterns. I agree that God is able to bring a couple through a process of honesty, rebuilding, and commitment to love. I love your intention to keep no record of wrongs. That is a hard thing to do. Can you describe how God has helped you to live out that decision?

By: Jessica

Jessica — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 19:30:15 +0000

This is a situation I personally have been in. Let me tell you I met my husband as a very secure, confident woman, nor have I ever dealt with issues such as explained above, with my husband of four years now. I became very insecure and bitter over his pornography, did the “talks” with him and received semi- honest answers. As time passed I got to see how, when, what and where his problem came about. His triggers and such and truth came out. We turned to the Lord for guidance on our marriage. More truth came out, as bad as it hurt. Our relationship got worse before it got better. He had to be willing to work just as much as me to keep from acting out angrily from sheer sadness. To this day he has been given a new desire for me, I am still cautious but not insecure and it is his fault. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, nor does it envy. So with that said turn to the lord and it will be done. It takes a lot of faith, courage and strength to cope after, but if you love your spouse it is worth the end result. I am in no shape compleltey trusting of him, but I am happy we are making an effort to follow Gods commandments for our marriage. It is work in progress, not perfection. There are some things that God must do to work on a person and some that we must try and let the control to Him. It is very hard, trust me, but if you value your marriage then it must be done.

By: Jamie

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 20:56:22 +0000

Hey Chris, that is great new about the ‘personality transplant’. That’s the promise for the followers of Jesus, “those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did.” (2Corinthians 5:17) One of the key truths in this promise is that the new life isn’t because of you but it is all the result of God’s work in you. Your answer to having a control on your eyes is also going to be God not you. I have heard it said that in Jesus day there were a group of Pharisees (a religious group of Jews) who were called ‘the black and blue Pharisees’ because in their attempts to avoid lust they would cover their eyes whenever they would see a woman, thus they often ended up with bruises from their collisions on the street. That is a great example of what can happen when we try to come up with a solution rather than looking to God to do the transplant of personality.

God wants you to respond properly to women (and everyone else for that matter) and He will help you to live that out. He will let you know when your attraction to women has crossed the line into lust. He will give you the strategies on how to resist the temptations which very well may include closing your eyes but it will be effective because God is the one who is initiating it rather than you. So ask Him to help you. When you feel like your looking is no longer pure, talk to God about it. It becomes one more moment in your life when you get to deepen your dependence on God which is what we were created for in the first place.

By: Eden

Eden — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:36:21 +0000

Just to educate those who don’t understand what a Pornography Addiction entails (and this was hours a day everyday for several years as a teen). This addiction especially when it is computerized images that one doesn’t interact with like a human but who one takes from as an object can because of the intensity of the need can literally cause a “dopamine hit” in the brain. This later becomes catastrophic because (especially in the case of my husband and others who begin as teenagers) it interferes with reality! Getting your brain to shoot out dopamine and then feeling that you need it as a hit to feel safe and nurtured is horrifying. He did not learn how to have real relationship – and this is devastating for any man. They are then stuck in a mental cycle. A very tortured cycle. I feel sorry for those who do not realize that this is a real self-esteem and intimacy issue. It has nothing to do with looking and appreciating other women in a NORMAL way. So to Michelle, I would NOT care if he was simply looking at other women (in that way)! I’m secure in myself intellectually, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Apparently you don’t care about having an insight into a real disease. Not my issue.

Now onto Lucy. I’m just sitting here shaking my head. I mean honestly I don’t understand the point of telling us that you lift weights and stay in shape. It’s great that you take care of yourself! That I understand. I do too and I used to be a runway and print ad model. But I don’t see myself as an object to be loved. I am a person to be loved. And men love women of all sizes and shapes. I applaud your commitment to stay healthy and fit, but don’t see how it figures into anything in this post.

Regarding the porn addiction: It is all mental at this point. He doesn’t view anything except what he has created in his mind He isn’t cheating. He is stuck in an obsessive-compulsive cycle of 1 million images in his brain. So, yes, the toll on the relationship has been intense. We’ll see what unfolds. I don’t just throw people away – but I will end it if he cannot heal it. Peace.

By: Marie

Marie — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 14:26:16 +0000

Chris- let me clear when I say “indulge” in your attraction, I by no means am implying that you imagine sexual things about them. That would not be how God wants you to view women, nor how us women would like to be viewed.

By: Marie

Marie — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 14:21:09 +0000

Chris- You actually seem like a decent guy. My opinion is, if you are not married, then it is okay to look and indulge in your attraction to women. You are SUPPOSED to do that. That is how we procreate. We have physical attraction that leads us to wanting to know more about the inside of the person. Then, marriage is when we feel love for the person based on the the harmony between the physical, spiritual and intellectual aspects of that person. The problem with looking after you’re married is that you are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE searching for the opposite sex anymore since you have already found the one that you promised befor GOD that you would become ONE with and love the way God loves us. This being said, I still, of course expect for men and women, even after marriage, to notice pretty people just as they might notice unattractive people. But, that should be all it is…a quick notice. The mental thought should be “that’s an attractive woman” or “that’s an attractive man”. A husband or a wife should not STARE and OOGLE at attractive people and indulge. That is when it becomes “cheating of the mind and heart”, which is mentioned in the bible. I think if a husband or a wife are truly in love with their spouses, this is not a problem at all….but, certainly will be harder at different times during a life long marriage. Good luck, and don’t be too hard on yoursef. It’s good to be attracted to women :)

By: chris

chris — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 18:54:24 +0000

Its interesting to read some of the reply’s from this story. Im a guy who has, a few months since, found god. In this new lease of life, i feel very blessed and am currently working on becoming more “holy”. I hate my old life now, and the fear of god has made me stop things from smoking to sex and is even beginning to work in giving me a personality transplant for the better. I respect women a lot more and am not as bitter critical and slanderous. Theres just one snag. The one thing i really find difficult to deal with is looking at other women. Im so frightened that in doing this im doing something wrong and only god knows. But i know that most people will just say its natural to look, but to be perfect in gods eyes we need to stop doing what we feel is wrong, and everytime i see a beautiful woman i just cant help but look in awe at god’s work, i guess this just defines me as a male. The difference is controlling it i think, but the only thing i cannot differentiate between is wether im just looking at women because they are beautiful, or because i lust after them??? Maybe the situation is more simple than we are all making it out to be and hopefully god will give us clearance on this matter.