Comments on: My husband checks out other women

By: Sandy

Sandy — Sat, 11 May 2013 20:45:43 +0000

I’m happy to hear that you are seeking therapy Laurel. I found it calmed me down and made me be more objective. Chris, I am mulling over your passionate feelings when it comes to men and their attraction to females. The female gender also has a strong attraction and sex drive towards males. That is the way it is supposed to be. I do believe, however that we are different in many ways. We are turned on by different things. A female can be turned on to a man with a good sense of humor or with a nice smile or eyes. We don’t have to imagine them naked or fantasize about what we would like them to do to us, like men do. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a strong sexual attraction. My husband once told me not to tell him to stop looking at other women because that would never happen. I don’t know if he meant couldn’t or wouldn’t happen. A friend of mine cleaned out her eighty year old father’s apartment and to her dismay found recent porn magazines. So I am beginning to think that men do have such strong physical urges that they have to work hard to control. They do seem to go crazy over good looking, sexy women. But look at teenage girls screaming over young male singers. Whether that is partly from the way we are both made or from what society gives us permission to think and do, I’m not sure. Girls are brought up entirely different than boys so that must have a strong influence on the way each behaves. The only thing I do know is If men and women would be mindful to respect and not be hurtful to their spouses then marriages would be so much better.

By: Angela

Angela — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:00:19 +0000

@editor…I understand that it is your right as far as terms of use goes and you being the editor. I see how you would be concerned about it turning into an argument…please understand that while it is a marital issue being discussed here…I was not the first to bring doctrine into the discussion and since it was brought up I joined in to share what the bible does say on the subject and then was met with his rebuttle telling me to be careful about my own beliefs and what I am teaching etc…when infact he was teaching the typical…do whatever you want, men cannot help it…etc. He was using this site as a way to convince women going through pain and abuses from their husbands as a way to justify his and other mens behavior and using the bible to do so. While I can understand you don’t want an argument on doctrine and I can respect that at the same time…I don’t feel his comments were appropritate either towards me or other women here who came for support…not to be told their wives are seen by husband as family and other women are seen as objects. That is his personal issue and not an ‘ALL MENS’ issue and there is NO biblical grounds for that attitude either. I feel it’s dangerous to the wives here looking for support to tell them that ALL MEN do this and that it’s ok, even according to God. Leaving the women feeling hopeless for the marriages they seek deep in their hearts. It isn’t hopeless and not ALL men behave this way. I am simply trying to empower these women and let them know …not only are we behind them…but so is God…to stay strong, love themselves enough to know their own self worth…I feel Chris was causing the opposite effect and infact he should be the one silenced here. But thank you anyways for the respectful way you commented back to me, I see where you were going with it and I see your concerns.

By: Claire Colvin

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:23:42 +0000

Angela, I didn’t remove that comment simply because I did not see it as I was going through the list. It’s gone now. I’m sorry for causing you discomfort if you thought I left it there on purpose. You said that I have no right to remove your comments, but if you read through our terms of service you’ll see that I do. As editor of this site it is part of my job to moderate the discussion in the comments and make sure that they don’t descend into arguments. We talk about some pretty important issues here and they tend to get very passionate responses. Passion is not a bad thing but when the conversation gets buried under two people arguing then I step in and put an end to it, because that’s my job.

You could fill an entire website with doctrinal responses to what it means in 1 Tim 2:15 about women being sanctified through childbirth, or 1 Cor 7:14 where it talks about husbands being covered by the faith of their wives. That is not the discussion we are having here. I will leave that to people much wiser than I am.

I make a good faith effort to discern when people are open to discussion, listening to each other and when they are using one of our pages to yell at each other. There are some areas where we have to agree to disagree and that has happened here. It’s a big, wide internet and if doctrinal discussion and debate is something that you enjoy I am confident that you will find sites where that can flourish but this is not the place.

By: Angela

Angela — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:30:36 +0000

[Comment removed]

By: Claire Colvin

Thu, 09 May 2013 15:19:17 +0000

Editor’s note: Please remember that this article is not the right forum to hash out doctrinal issues. I have removed several comments that were becoming combative and getting the conversation sidetracked from the issue at hand. Thank you for staying on topic.

By: Laurel

Laurel — Thu, 09 May 2013 04:25:45 +0000

Thank you everyone. I saw a counselor yesterday and I told him some of our troubles. He, like you, recommended marital counseling – though, like you, he also anticipated that my husband might not be open to it. I have asked my husband before, and he said no, because he did not believe that we have problems. I tried to tell him that it can be open to any couple, regardless of problems or not, to help a couple learn healthy tools and have the healthiest marriage possible. The counselor yesterday also recommended I go alone if I have to, that it would still benefit me. I am reading a wonderful book right now called “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. This book includes the Bible in it and teaches a Godly sense of boundaries. It is changing everything about how I view life. I cannot recommend this book enough. I wish all of you peace and healing, and thank you.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Thu, 09 May 2013 03:11:55 +0000

Laurel, after reading your story my heart breaks for you because no one deserves to be treated this way. You seem very strong to have endured so much. There is something very wrong with the things that your husband says and does. I don’t think the Lord would expect you to be a martyr and just accept abuse. I would definitely seek counseling for myself if your husband won’t participate, as others have suggested. If it were me, I would stop complementing him, lay down some rules and tell him to get his act together or it is over. The worst thing you can do is seem needy. There is no justification for what he is doing to you and you don’t need to take it. Stay strong, you have God and us behind you.

By: Claire Colvin

Tue, 07 May 2013 22:52:49 +0000

There’s been a lot of conversation here. I’ve debated whether or not to step in but I think it’s the right time to do so.

Chris, You said, “Adam and eve were not perfect; they were just not accountable because they did not know God will. Once they knew they actions made them accountable.” That’s not true. Adam and Eve were without sin and walked with God until they did the one thing they were told not to do. God gave very specific instructions (Gen 2:15-17). They turned away from that and that was the act of sinning.

Laurel – You describe a very challenging situation. Are you currently seeing a marriage counsellor? From what you’ve written here it sounds like a two fold problem 1. Your husband is not responding to you the way that you would like and 2. He is responding to other women. Ideally it would be great if the two of you could see a counsellor together, however if he is not interested in going, you would still benefit a great deal from the experience. I’d imagine you’re quite lonely in this experience and a counsellor can give you practical tools to help you both deal with that and find a way forward in this marriage.

I noticed that in a couple of your comments you referred to the way your husband described you when you first met. It sounds like this is a deep wound for you, and understandably so. That might be an excellent place to start with the counsellor.

By: Laurel

Laurel — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:56:51 +0000

Thank you Chris weir and Angela. I will do my best. I will accept that my husband chooses to walk his own path, but I will also encourage him to walk on a healthy one, and I will love him regardless.

By: chris weir

chris weir — Tue, 07 May 2013 11:14:18 +0000

well, I must say that what you are dealing with is horrible but is not uncommon in this age of Godless marriage. The only cure to repair this is for your husband to talk to Christ himself. He has to want to change. I know that if he asks God to take away his interest in Porn, in other women, in worldly things, that God will not deny him this. Talk to your husband; tell him that you are not his police officer and that if he so chooses the path away from heaven than that is between him and God. By doing this you will make him realize that his rebelling isn’t against you anymore for the imagined slights he feels you gave him to justify his offenses that he commits against God and you. The more he thinks about not going to heaven when all his family will, the more things will hit home. All of us have sin (crimes committed against God’s will), but the price of sin has been paid for with the acceptance of Christ’s payment, a receipt carried in our hearts as proof to show the doorman when we leave this world. All who truly carry this receipt will no longer desire to continue to accrue new sin debt because the Christ in us makes us have too much conviction to continue deliberately living in sin; it will bother us too much. From time to time we may slip but repent and get back up again and follow Christ again. If your man has Christ in him than remind him that his stubborn battle is with God and that is a battle he cannot win in the end. Victory by surrender! As far as being a wife and your part? Support him in his efforts to recommit to Christ. Yes he is at fault in your marriage, but being “right” is not whats important here. You want your husband back and to do that he needs to turn around. He is ill and needs medicine. He already started a little bit after you took yourself out of his line of fire. You are one person and so he causes you pain when he struggles to be the man you need him to be. Because you become one person when you marry, you need to help each other cross the finish line together. Don’t be angry with him for his failures as a husband to you. Be understanding, supportive but not enabling. Don’t address his sin with scolding and punishment, that will only make things worst and him look at you as the problem as oppose to his heart not being for God. Sin is not what keeps you from heaven because we all have sin but not having Christ’s atonement of your sins by accepting him as your savior is what keeps you out of heaven. Once you have Christ in your heart you will no longer desire to sin which is just the by product of being healthy in the Lord. Sin is only a symptom of being sick but rather address where his heart stands with God. If you fix the head, the rest body will follow. Feed him more Christ. We do not work to go to heaven we do not earn salvation. We need only maintain Christ in us and his spirit will do the work for us. Everyone slips and falls but does everyone get back up when they do? envy, anger ,lust ,greed, idolatry, adultery, vanity, is all sin and all sin is worthy of death but once we are freed from our slavery to sin our walks should be more like Christ and should you slip know that Christ covers the sin if you maintain him in your heart and if you maintain the heart the sin will not remain. I think you are doing right Laurel pray, take him to church, read the bible together, watch bible programs and ministry. All this will be feeding him Christ and will return him back to you.