Does Forgiveness = No Consequences?
I am struggling with forgiveness. I know that forgiving someone who hurt me is part of my recovery process, but does forgiving someone mean that I need to be willing to treat that person as well as I would treat those I consider my closest friends? (Assuming that it’s appropriate to interact with the person who hurt me.) Does forgiving completely mean that there are no consequences for the person at fault?
Advice: In Total Forgiveness Kendall addresses the issue of how we treat others after they have let us down or mistreated us. There are consequences which sometimes can’t be and shouldn’t be removed when we forgive. In his book, Kendall talks about situation where a woman forgave a rapist and also decided to testify in court in order to stop him from raping again. In that case, judicial consequences were meted out along with forgiveness. There are other examples given as to how relationships are affected when someone mistreats or abuses us. Forgiveness does not cancel out all consequences.
As in any situation, be careful not to put yourself in an unsafe place or an unsafe relationship.
You may decide that a friendship may change because that person cannot keep confidences. A change in relationship is does not mean that you have not forgiven the person. You can let go of the blame and not hold the wrong against the person, but you may learn something about that person’s character such that changes the way you relate to them.
If you learn that they can no longer be trusted with confidences or that they cannot be trusted to follow through on a commitment, then it is necessary to take steps to protect yourself. You can forgive them but decide not to share certain things with them any more, or not to rely on them for important things. Forgiveness does not mandate that you trust all people on the same level or that there will be no consequences for wrongful behavior.
You need discernment about the person and the issue to be forgiven. Forgiveness shouldn’t get dispensed whenever someone wrongs you without bringing on some consequences for that person and the relationship. Hopefully, the person will feel guilty and want forgiveness and reconciliation. Consequences may not be needed when issues are small or the matter was only a misunderstanding.
Forgiveness is necessary for you to be free from the black hole of bitterness. It is a process that demands wisdom and grace. Forgiveness will cause you to make some decisions which are hard to make. You may need to learn more about assertiveness and more about your own need for forgiveness. You may even take a risk or need to trust that person again! You may decide that the person needs to earn your trust again.
Forgiveness doesn’t equal trust and doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for the person or relationship and boundaries that need changing. Forgiveness will challenge you to grow – to love more deeply and to learn more about life and interacting with people. But, more importantly, forgiveness will set you free!
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
The problem with forgiveness is something that comes up in many other areas of life. That is that, two people may have totally different expectations and definitions.
When someone abuses you, and you say you forgive them… they THINK it means “no consequences.” They THINK it means that you consent to them behaving in exactly the same manner, on and one. They THINK it means that, you have admitted that YOU are the one who misbehaved, and that, are totally cool.
Abusers never understand that trust and boundaries are now restricted. The only way to make your point is to cease all contact with them.
NEVER keep associating with an abuser, and telling that you forgive past transgressions. They will just do it again – and will escalate to even worse. Because they view you as a chump. Abusers WILL ALWAYS think, “Forgiveness = No Consequences.”