Does Forgiveness = No Consequences?
I am struggling with forgiveness. I know that forgiving someone who hurt me is part of my recovery process, but does forgiving someone mean that I need to be willing to treat that person as well as I would treat those I consider my closest friends? (Assuming that it’s appropriate to interact with the person who hurt me.) Does forgiving completely mean that there are no consequences for the person at fault?
Advice: In Total Forgiveness Kendall addresses the issue of how we treat others after they have let us down or mistreated us. There are consequences which sometimes can’t be and shouldn’t be removed when we forgive. In his book, Kendall talks about situation where a woman forgave a rapist and also decided to testify in court in order to stop him from raping again. In that case, judicial consequences were meted out along with forgiveness. There are other examples given as to how relationships are affected when someone mistreats or abuses us. Forgiveness does not cancel out all consequences.
As in any situation, be careful not to put yourself in an unsafe place or an unsafe relationship.
You may decide that a friendship may change because that person cannot keep confidences. A change in relationship is does not mean that you have not forgiven the person. You can let go of the blame and not hold the wrong against the person, but you may learn something about that person’s character such that changes the way you relate to them.
If you learn that they can no longer be trusted with confidences or that they cannot be trusted to follow through on a commitment, then it is necessary to take steps to protect yourself. You can forgive them but decide not to share certain things with them any more, or not to rely on them for important things. Forgiveness does not mandate that you trust all people on the same level or that there will be no consequences for wrongful behavior.
You need discernment about the person and the issue to be forgiven. Forgiveness shouldn’t get dispensed whenever someone wrongs you without bringing on some consequences for that person and the relationship. Hopefully, the person will feel guilty and want forgiveness and reconciliation. Consequences may not be needed when issues are small or the matter was only a misunderstanding.
Forgiveness is necessary for you to be free from the black hole of bitterness. It is a process that demands wisdom and grace. Forgiveness will cause you to make some decisions which are hard to make. You may need to learn more about assertiveness and more about your own need for forgiveness. You may even take a risk or need to trust that person again! You may decide that the person needs to earn your trust again.
Forgiveness doesn’t equal trust and doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for the person or relationship and boundaries that need changing. Forgiveness will challenge you to grow – to love more deeply and to learn more about life and interacting with people. But, more importantly, forgiveness will set you free!
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
G, I guess as with many issues the pendulum of our response swings to both extremes. I would say that much of the reason for the quick reaction to forgive is the previous generation’s quick reaction to condemn (and I don’t think that you have to search too hard to see some of that still today). Legalism and self-righteousness has had a strangle-hold on the church for much of the last hundred years. The realization of that has led many in the Church today to avoid that completely.
I think when we try to follow policies and guidelines for our response to people’s mistakes we often end up missing the mark. Instead these circumstances should bring us to our knees to seek out the Holy Spirit’s direction. We can have confidence that He will indeed direct us and His direction will always be the right one. It may not be the easy way or have the results that we want but we can be certain that it will be right and help us to walk more closely with our Lord.
Please note a correction to my last post as confusion may abound; the last sentence should read “…or not waiting…”
g
Jamie, thank you for the compliment and yes, my family and I had an intense [great in the opinion of my wife and I] weekend experiencing some of what Jesus perfect sacrifice and resurrection means for us.
I am glad you referred to 2Cor into the conversation. God definitely has a process [a set of instructions] that he has laid for us to follow. Most conversations relating to sin and abuse today are immediately followed with discussion of forgiveness; yet in Corinthians the forgiveness proposal comes after his people obey and comes with love training. As I read books, articles, blogs and comments and have conversations, I find that there are many who like to circumnavigate or shortcut Gods process and teach or espouse that modified method that ignores Gods process [or atleast implies that it is being ignored] and puts the emphasis on the down trodden to be forgiving. In fact it is that erroneous propaganda that has prompted me to interact on websites such as this when I see great truths being discussed and bantered around.
I wholeheartedly agree with your last sentence; this recognition that God has us as followers, not leaders, may prompt us more often to look to Gods guidance for the process we are to follow. Most of us are quite good at determining what will be done, our major problems are with shrinking it down to almost meaningless or waiting upon the lord for when it shall occur.
with Christ as my counselor,
g
G, what a wonderful way to open your response. I trust you had a great weekend celebrating the perfect expression of God’s love for us in the death and resurrection of His Son Jesus Christ.
You won’t find forgiveness in this letter to the Christians in Corinth but in 2Corinthians 2 you will find, “The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven– if there was anything to forgive– I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” (vs. 6-11) Here Paul is commending the way that the Corinthians had taken his direction and dealt severely with the one who had been sleeping with his father’s wife but adding that part of the reconciliation process is forgiveness. It is Satan who wants us to not forgive because our unforgiveness leads us to harbour bitterness, anger, self-righteousness and pride. But when we forgive we reflect the character of our Lord, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.” (Exodus 34:6-7) God does not neglect forgiveness in His justice, nor does He neglect justice in His forgiveness and love. We need to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit so that we too can hold those two aspects in balance.
Jamie: Happy Easter; He is risen indeed!
That is exactly the question; do we even consider that these types of verses are talking about forgiveness if we do not read that word in the text? Are we to forgive the ones who claim to be Christians yet indulge …? I read that we are commanded to judge those people and remove them and also not to associate or eat with these people. Where in these verses does is there talk about forgiving them? There is none; however, we do read that God will judge those on the outside, implying that we can give our pain and heartache to God to deal with and rely on Him and His judgment.
I hope that this explains where I see forgiveness in these scriptures. I look forward to your reply.
g
So G, I did what you suggested and looked up the verse in 1Corinthians 5. I thought it may be helpful to look at afew other verses as well so we get the context of these instructions. Here it is:
“9 When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin.
10 But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or who are greedy or are swindlers or idol worshipers. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that.
11 What I meant was that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a Christian yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or a drunkard, or a swindler. Don’t even eat with such people.
12 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your job to judge those inside the church who are sinning in these ways.
13 God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.” (1Corithians 5:9-13)
So how do you see these verses talking about forgiveness?
Thank you Rasheil for your comments; I appreciate your prayer for MCannon and I because I am certain that I am just scratching at the surface of the core the ageless and well disputed topic of forgiveness.
I think a summary is in order here. There a few obvious differences that are intermingled here on this page: Proclaimed Christian or Non-Christian; Repentant or un-repentant; Is forgiveness an expectation or a gift; Be like Jesus, emulate Paul, follow the Holy Spirit, or expect one of those from others. The opposing viewpoints expressed in this comment thread are all based on a few assumptions by the writers; the challenge to us [as comment writers] is to figure out what those few assumption differences are so we can provide good feedback.
For everyone here, I leave you today with a thought to grapple with. Please look at 1 Corinthians 5 and focus on Verse 11; it could easily be about the context of forgiveness or the consequences of sin.
Followtheway, I don’t see a tension between the Gospels and the Letters found in the Bible. Paul does not change what Jesus (Yeshua) taught at all. “For God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” (John 3:17) Jesus’ message was one of grace as well. We are forgiven through Jesus’ sacrifice of Himself. The natural response in light of that forgiveness, the indwelling of Christ in us and the guiding of the Holy Spirit in our lives is that we want to live as Jesus lived. When our hearts are unforgiving it is a reflection that we are living in our own efforts rather than in the control of the Spirit who reminds us of all that Jesus has commanded. Our response is not to try harder to be forgiving but to focus our eyes on Jesus so that our hearts want to forgive just as He has forgiven us. As long as we live with that unwavering focus we can indeed be perfect just as God Himself is perfect.
Jesus’ message was to the Jews who were living a ‘good moral life’ in their own strength but had lost their relationship of dependence on God. Paul’s message was more often to Gentiles who felt so unworthy of God’s love because they had grown up in worshipping false gods and immorality. The message of Jesus was “No matter how good you look on the outside there is no way that you can hide the evil that lurks in your heart. Come to me and be set free.” Paul’s message was, “God is not asking you to measure up to a standard in order to be made right with Him. Come to Jesus and be washed clean.” The message is the same but because it is directed to different people with different issues the emphasis of the message is different.
Sorry Brenda,
I must agree with what “D” is expressing here. We to have become dismayed with the excuses made for those in our church that refuse to obey simple commands layed out by our Savior such as forgiveness and many others. The majority of the church is following Pauline scripture instead of those of Yeshua. Those in the church have run rough shod over the original intent of the Son in the name of profit and free living under the Pauline principle of “Grace”, But Yeshua said “freely you have recieved, freely give” and also “If you love me you will obey my command”. No where do I read anything from Yeshua about nobody’s perfect! He says “be ye perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect”
I know it was not your intent but you (brenda)fall perfectly inline with what I think “D” was trying to point out about todays christians.
Thank you, D, for responding to what I believe is a wonderful article on the challenges and consequences of forgiveness.
D, you have obviously had painful experiences in the area of forgiveness, or lack thereof on the part of Christians. You seem to have a great deal of bitterness toward Christians and our failures in this particular area. I would point to one area of this article in particular that struck me:
“Forgiveness will challenge you to grow – to love more deeply and to learn more about life and interacting with people. But, more importantly, forgiveness will set you free!”
As Christians, we are not perfect, but growing toward serving Christ Jesus daily with the goal of allowing Him to transform us more and more into His image and likeness. Only Jesus forgave and forgives perfectly. I understand that it can be extremely disappointing when forgiveness is withheld, and especially so when it is not given on the part of Christ-followers. However, to paint all Christians with the brush of hypocrisy seems to me a harsh judgment. It is my prayer that your future experiences are much more healing and positive in Christ Jesus.
What is interesting here is the true lack of dicernment, the very people that claim to be led by the Holy Spirit have somehow been unable to discern there way to very key commands by our savior. Yes we are commanded to forgive if our brother repents (Luke 17:3) Every other offense would fall under these verses-The golden rule (Matt 17:12) Or how about “do not resist an evil person”(Matt 5:39)forgive, if you have anything against anyone(Mark 11:25) All these commands should be making your discernment radar go wild, and give you clues about the “cost” of following the Messiah. Christians today have a bad reputation for being hypocrytes. I would say its that or they cant or wont read simple commands from the Messiah. Its time for Christians to start reading and living the teachings in the Gospels instead of picking and choosing what they will obey, then justifying their behavior with words like discernment. If you cannot discern these simple truths on forgiveness what hope do you have discerning much else. Hopefully you will get it before its too late.
MCannon –
That’s a good point you bring up – the choice of forgiving without announcing it to the perpetrator. There may be ways however to express the forgiveness and yet making it clear to the perpetrator that there are still consequences to their actions. An interesting part of this article refers to how our capacity to forgive is rooted in our being forgiven. Ultimately, having a relationship with Christ would help give us discernment about the appropriate boundaries for each person that have harmed us so that we can be open to forgiving the perpetrator.
G —
Yes, forgiveness is not a simple manadatory obligation, and I might add, “superficial” …and yes, I agree that it is through faith that we accept repentance and be able to forgive others. The Holy Spirit gives us discernment.
I pray that the Lord continues to reveal to you both more wisdom and understanding about forgiveness. May He use you both to help others understand and grow as they grapple with forgiveness.
(G, regarding replies from the author, sometimes authors do reply and sometimes it may take a while.)
In response to Aaron and MCannon:
Aaron seems to take the seemingly legalistic but passive approach of required forgiveness in his comments about not removing people from your life and be Jesus but shares very accurately and concisely at the end of the comment “…forgive others of their sins when they repent…”. Forgiving one another as a result of repentance and giving your un-repented and un-validated abuse to God to deal with are two very different ways of receiving freedom from pain and suffering.
MCannon also has the idea that forgiveness is mandatory in all cases. Sharing “…only telling them once I no longer had to endure them as a part of my life” shows that MCannon intrinsically understands that abusers will be cut out of ones life especially with un-repented or repeated abuse and only once that occurs could freedom begin.
So, the right way [normally referred to with the word should] to receive freedom from pain and suffering is not as simple as mandatory forgiveness.
Also, the suggestion that real Christians attempt to be [act like] the all knowing God infused Jesus is a disturbing proposition; it is like suggesting that we all act like our parents to our family and act like our boss at work. Let us recognize that we are to follow Jesus and be led by the Holy Spirit. We cannot be Jesus if we are following Him; He has the power and we have the obedience. By faith we say Jesus knows ones heart, but we can only know actions and words; so by faith alone can we accept repentance and thus provide forgiveness.
I do hope that you all can and will understand and accept these basic truths.
I look forward to future comments on this thread especially from Lynette Hoy.
I agree with S. Godfrey to a certain degree. Somtimes forgiving that person must be done within the confines of your own mind. You may never tell them until it is safe to do so (in the case of abuse). As it relates to relationships outside of an abusive marriage forgiveness can be a little bit easier but still safety must be considered before publically declare your forgiveness towards someone. Forgiveness does set you free but like SGodfrey has stated, abusers take that as a sign of weakness and often reoffend to a greater degree. I have had this experience but I learned to forgive them in my heart and only telling them once I no longer had to endure them as a part of my life.
Aaron,
Your statement is very true and I agree with all that you have said.
The forgiveness that is required of us all is the exact same forgiveness you recieved from Christ. If you truly believe that your every sin is forgiven, all of the chasms between you and the most high filled so that you can reconcile to him, then you can come to gripps with the truth of this statement. The philosophys of man have greatly polluted the soveriegn truths of God. To reveal the facts we need to look at His own actions when it comes to forgiveness. He equates our sins against others as debt. Debt is carefully recorded and there are consequences for not paying, but when we forgive debt it is stricken from the books and the consequences for not paying are forgotten. Jesus himself even begged the father to forgive the men who put him on the cross and spatt at him even though he was blameless. Our savior suffered wrongly for our cause but chose to do so for each one of us, yet here we are blinded by our own suffering which pales in comparison and not willing to give to others as he gave to us. It will be on our own heads if we cannot accept this simple truth laid out in the Gospel. However you choose to forgive others it will be exacted upon you in the same fashion. If you forgive completely and from the heart remembering no ones trespass against you, then the same will be yours at the end; But if you seek judgment or recompense from others either by cutting them out of your life or by other means then expect to see the same kind of judgment and required recompense when you are before His throne. Jesus never promised you a fair life here on earth, but a life full of persecution and abuse, it seems that christians sometimes just want all the blessings He promised but conveniently forget about the troubles that He fortold. One last point and the most important is – Why would any christian let something like unforgiveness keep them from eternal life? The life you leed is insignificant to the cause you should be serving and that is your hope in eternal life. Theres just one thing though- in order to receive eternal life you must have repented in faith that you are completely forgiven of all your sins no matter how heinous and to be forgiven all of your sins you must forgive others all of their sins when they repent no matter how heinous.
tqahnk you for the article but no it does mean consequences, you sin you alway at least my belief is there are always consequences.
I think the article focuses too much on the idea of forgiveness and forces the point to the detriment of the injured. Suggesting that forgiveness is part of every persons recovery forces every injured person to [theoretically] forgive an offender before they can consider themselves recovering or recovered. I believe the mandatory forgiveness from injured to offender in every situation is a false doctrine. Yes, there is a time and place for forgiveness, but there are other ideas that may play a greater role in the recovery of an injured person.
Forgiveness is just something we do because we can in isolation; there is an easy answer for when to apply forgiveness. The bible says many times that forgiveness comes after repentance. The point the offender humbles themselves with repentance to the injured and appeals to the injured for forgiveness, is the point that authority in the relationship is transferred from the offender to the injured, thus the injured now has the power to grant forgiveness or not.
In real life, there are many situations and cases where the offender never repents to the injured. There is an easy answer to that too, although the implementation is not so easy to actually do for the injured. Give your hurts, pains, and sorrows to God; this does not include forgiveness or anything like it. It is the injured giving up on the idea that there will be any validation or consequences for the hurtful situation and giving all the authority to God to deal with it in His time and relying on God to help work through the pain and suffering independent of the offender.
I do hope that Lynette Hoy responds to this post.
g
The problem with forgiveness is something that comes up in many other areas of life. That is that, two people may have totally different expectations and definitions.
When someone abuses you, and you say you forgive them… they THINK it means “no consequences.” They THINK it means that you consent to them behaving in exactly the same manner, on and one. They THINK it means that, you have admitted that YOU are the one who misbehaved, and that, are totally cool.
Abusers never understand that trust and boundaries are now restricted. The only way to make your point is to cease all contact with them.
NEVER keep associating with an abuser, and telling that you forgive past transgressions. They will just do it again – and will escalate to even worse. Because they view you as a chump. Abusers WILL ALWAYS think, “Forgiveness = No Consequences.”