Comments on: My husband says he needs some space http://powertochange.com Sun, 12 Feb 2012 06:28:22 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Kate is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Kate</span> http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-617364 Kate Sat, 21 Jan 2012 15:56:16 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-617364 Dear Mrs A., I hope you might be encouraged by what I just wrote to Rochelle as well. I also want to pray for you, Dear Heavenly Father, Mrs. A is Your child. She is precious and beloved in Your sight. You are the God who hears us and responds. Help her to confess all her needs, worries, anxieties and desires to You. Lord Jesus, Your yoke is easy and light, so I pray that she would toss all her burdens onto Your willing and able shoulders, and then take on Your yoke. The yoke You give us to bear is light and easy because all it is is trusting obedience. You lead the way, we follow. You make the decisions and we agree. You choose the timing, the route and the destination and we just enjoy every minute of the journey with You. You are lovely! You are the perfect Friend, Lover, Husband and King! You are the one whose words of promise never fails, so in You we trust and to You we turn for all the desires of our hearts. Please fill Mrs. A in a new way today, pouring Your love into the crevices of her broken heart, so that she feels warm, full and cared for this special day, and then bless her with faith to keep turning to You hour after hour, day after day, until she truly feels her cup is overflowing! God You are good and Your compassion and mercy never fail! We love You Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Mrs. A, as I read your posts I found myself reflecting on the meaning of freedom. Many times when our husbands say they need space, what they are really craving is freedom. Our culture tells us that freedom comes from doing what we want, when we want and pleasing ourselves. Of course, this is a lie! God has not designed us to please ourselves. In fact, God abhors our selfishness and self-centredness! God has designed us to please Him, which we can do only by faith, and to SERVE Him and others. The more we try and focus on making ourselves happy, the less and less free we will feel. It is a vicious cycle that leads to a dark, lonely pit, which is where Satan would like to keep us. To get out of this pit we need Jesus. We need to get a glimpse of Him, of His perfect selflessness and humble servanthood. So, how to get your husband to encounter Jesus? Well, first you need to be in Jesus' presence yourself. Read your Bible and pray about whatever you are reading, let the Lord minister to you Himself and teach you and change you. Sing to Him and pray for His will to be done. Surrender yourself to Him, telling Him that you desire to be His hands and feet, even to speak His words into your husband's life... and then let Jesus be the one who brings freedom to your husband. It is the cry of your husband's heart, as it is the cry of yours and mine and everyone's! We all crave Jesus and will forever have this God-sized whole in our hearts until He comes Himself to fill us, so that we are finally free of ourselves! What I am saying, in short, is that this is a spiritual battle. The circumstances we see, such as our husbands withdrawing, fighting and being difficult, are symptoms of the cries of their hearts. Don't get mad with them! Instead, get in agreement with God, ask Him to show you how to supernaturally love your husband through this tough trial, put on the armour of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and battle against this attack. God is with you and for you and for your marriage. Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one! Do not be afraid, be very courageous! Kate Dear Mrs A.,

I hope you might be encouraged by what I just wrote to Rochelle as well. I also want to pray for you,

Dear Heavenly Father, Mrs. A is Your child. She is precious and beloved in Your sight. You are the God who hears us and responds. Help her to confess all her needs, worries, anxieties and desires to You. Lord Jesus, Your yoke is easy and light, so I pray that she would toss all her burdens onto Your willing and able shoulders, and then take on Your yoke. The yoke You give us to bear is light and easy because all it is is trusting obedience. You lead the way, we follow. You make the decisions and we agree. You choose the timing, the route and the destination and we just enjoy every minute of the journey with You. You are lovely! You are the perfect Friend, Lover, Husband and King! You are the one whose words of promise never fails, so in You we trust and to You we turn for all the desires of our hearts. Please fill Mrs. A in a new way today, pouring Your love into the crevices of her broken heart, so that she feels warm, full and cared for this special day, and then bless her with faith to keep turning to You hour after hour, day after day, until she truly feels her cup is overflowing! God You are good and Your compassion and mercy never fail! We love You Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Mrs. A, as I read your posts I found myself reflecting on the meaning of freedom. Many times when our husbands say they need space, what they are really craving is freedom. Our culture tells us that freedom comes from doing what we want, when we want and pleasing ourselves. Of course, this is a lie! God has not designed us to please ourselves. In fact, God abhors our selfishness and self-centredness! God has designed us to please Him, which we can do only by faith, and to SERVE Him and others. The more we try and focus on making ourselves happy, the less and less free we will feel. It is a vicious cycle that leads to a dark, lonely pit, which is where Satan would like to keep us. To get out of this pit we need Jesus. We need to get a glimpse of Him, of His perfect selflessness and humble servanthood. So, how to get your husband to encounter Jesus? Well, first you need to be in Jesus’ presence yourself. Read your Bible and pray about whatever you are reading, let the Lord minister to you Himself and teach you and change you. Sing to Him and pray for His will to be done. Surrender yourself to Him, telling Him that you desire to be His hands and feet, even to speak His words into your husband’s life… and then let Jesus be the one who brings freedom to your husband. It is the cry of your husband’s heart, as it is the cry of yours and mine and everyone’s! We all crave Jesus and will forever have this God-sized whole in our hearts until He comes Himself to fill us, so that we are finally free of ourselves!

What I am saying, in short, is that this is a spiritual battle. The circumstances we see, such as our husbands withdrawing, fighting and being difficult, are symptoms of the cries of their hearts. Don’t get mad with them! Instead, get in agreement with God, ask Him to show you how to supernaturally love your husband through this tough trial, put on the armour of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and battle against this attack. God is with you and for you and for your marriage. Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one!

Do not be afraid, be very courageous!

Kate

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Kate is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Kate</span> http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-617318 Kate Sat, 21 Jan 2012 15:32:50 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-617318 Dear Rochelle, My heart aches for you. I can imagine the hurt you are experiencing, and the fear too. I want to encourage you by praying for you: Dear Lord, Please guide Rochelle forward. Please shine Your light into her circumstances and show her what changes she can make. Lord, relationships are so difficult and whenever things feel out of control, we are so inclined to want to control the other person, though we cannot. Please show us how to be self-controlled by the power of Your Spirit! Holy Spirit empower us to live beyond our own strength and to walk in love. Lord, I pray that You would show Rochelle what it is her husband needs as she trusts You Jesus to take care of ALL her needs, for You have promised and You are faithful to keep ALL Your promises!!! You have made her as her husband's helpmate and companion, so she has everything inside her that she needs to be pleasing and delightful to him, but it all rests in You, so please increase her faith to trust You and follow You as You lead her through this troubled valley. We thank You Lord that You never forsake or abandon us, and that You lead us all the way! With You we look forward to coming out on the other side, not damaged, but whole because You are the God who saves! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. One thing that has struck me lately is from the book "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller (I recommend it). He points out that we are commanded to love. Since it is a command, we must understand that love is not (just) a feeling, it is action. You see, God cannot command us to feel a certain way. We are not pre-programmed robots, but He can ask us to take action in obedience, and this is what love is. When we love our husbands we are to forsake ourselves, knowing and trusting fully that the Lord will care for us in every possible way (even more than we could ask or imagine), and instead be selfless servants. This is not a popular view in our culture, which says we must take care of ourselves, but that is precisely what God commands us not to do! So, perhaps you'll want to pray Rochelle, and ask the Lord, "What does my husband need? How can I serve him?" I find that when we humble ourselves before the Lord and our husbands this way, the mountains we are faced with do indeed begin to move. God responds to our faith as we admit we can't do it, we need Him and are willing to obey Him, since He is the one who truly knows both our hearts and the hearts of our husbands! To say the least, it is NOT too late! Lazarus was DEAD in the grave four days and all Jesus did was SPEAK life and Lazarus rose. Think about the power of your words, especially those words you pray in Jesus' name, and trust God to move the mountains. God is with you and for you! He designed your marriage to last for life and He can get you through even the toughest times. Pray aloud in agreement with God, get in the Bible and let Him teach you and change you there, and then start praising Him and thanking Him for the great wonders He is about to do on your behalf. Even while you're waiting for the changes outside, praise Him! He is not in a rush to make things easy, because He knows these trials will refine you as pure gold, but He is tender and will bring relief at just the right times! God bless you, Kate Dear Rochelle,

My heart aches for you. I can imagine the hurt you are experiencing, and the fear too. I want to encourage you by praying for you:

Dear Lord, Please guide Rochelle forward. Please shine Your light into her circumstances and show her what changes she can make. Lord, relationships are so difficult and whenever things feel out of control, we are so inclined to want to control the other person, though we cannot. Please show us how to be self-controlled by the power of Your Spirit! Holy Spirit empower us to live beyond our own strength and to walk in love. Lord, I pray that You would show Rochelle what it is her husband needs as she trusts You Jesus to take care of ALL her needs, for You have promised and You are faithful to keep ALL Your promises!!! You have made her as her husband’s helpmate and companion, so she has everything inside her that she needs to be pleasing and delightful to him, but it all rests in You, so please increase her faith to trust You and follow You as You lead her through this troubled valley. We thank You Lord that You never forsake or abandon us, and that You lead us all the way! With You we look forward to coming out on the other side, not damaged, but whole because You are the God who saves! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

One thing that has struck me lately is from the book “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller (I recommend it). He points out that we are commanded to love. Since it is a command, we must understand that love is not (just) a feeling, it is action. You see, God cannot command us to feel a certain way. We are not pre-programmed robots, but He can ask us to take action in obedience, and this is what love is. When we love our husbands we are to forsake ourselves, knowing and trusting fully that the Lord will care for us in every possible way (even more than we could ask or imagine), and instead be selfless servants. This is not a popular view in our culture, which says we must take care of ourselves, but that is precisely what God commands us not to do! So, perhaps you’ll want to pray Rochelle, and ask the Lord, “What does my husband need? How can I serve him?” I find that when we humble ourselves before the Lord and our husbands this way, the mountains we are faced with do indeed begin to move. God responds to our faith as we admit we can’t do it, we need Him and are willing to obey Him, since He is the one who truly knows both our hearts and the hearts of our husbands!

To say the least, it is NOT too late! Lazarus was DEAD in the grave four days and all Jesus did was SPEAK life and Lazarus rose. Think about the power of your words, especially those words you pray in Jesus’ name, and trust God to move the mountains. God is with you and for you! He designed your marriage to last for life and He can get you through even the toughest times. Pray aloud in agreement with God, get in the Bible and let Him teach you and change you there, and then start praising Him and thanking Him for the great wonders He is about to do on your behalf. Even while you’re waiting for the changes outside, praise Him! He is not in a rush to make things easy, because He knows these trials will refine you as pure gold, but He is tender and will bring relief at just the right times!

God bless you,

Kate

]]> By: Rochelle http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-600779 Rochelle Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:31:00 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-600779 Hello, my husband too has been asking for time alone. He told me that everyone needs time alone, but his idea of time alone is going out and playing cards until 2:30 in the morning, or going to his friends house and not bothering to come home until the next day, without phoning of course. We've been together for 15 years and now when I want to do things with my husband, he doesn't, or he does but only after he gets to go out and do his own thing. I don't need to be with him 24/7 but it would be nice if he spent at least one weekend with me without saying he's bored. I love him more than anything, is it too late to save this marriage, am I hoping for too much? Thank you for you help if you have the time. Hello, my husband too has been asking for time alone. He told me that everyone needs time alone, but his idea of time alone is going out and playing cards until 2:30 in the morning, or going to his friends house and not bothering to come home until the next day, without phoning of course. We’ve been together for 15 years and now when I want to do things with my husband, he doesn’t, or he does but only after he gets to go out and do his own thing. I don’t need to be with him 24/7 but it would be nice if he spent at least one weekend with me without saying he’s bored. I love him more than anything, is it too late to save this marriage, am I hoping for too much?
Thank you for you help if you have the time.

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Sharon is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Sharon</span> http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-540609 Sharon Sun, 25 Dec 2011 00:15:09 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-540609 good article-- i let my husband have all the space he needs hut we do things together too. good article– i let my husband have all the space he needs hut we do things together too.

]]> By: Mrs A http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-530001 Mrs A Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:39:28 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-530001 Also he talks abt Space?that i never give him any space?He goes to gym and spend 2 hours there and i stay at home....he goes to work where im not with him...i dont even call him when hes at work.....also in the night i take children to bed at 9pm and i stay with em there and he comes in the room at 12 o clock.....n in this time he works on a computer or watches tele.....is this not a space????how much more space shall i give him? got friends in the city nobody to speak to....i get tired working all day running after children,cooking washing and cleaning....am i at fault that i sit with my husband n want to chat with him??i chat with him and he listens he never says anything and watches tele....i try to make it talk but he doesnt..?????????? Also he talks abt Space?that i never give him any space?He goes to gym and spend 2 hours there and i stay at home….he goes to work where im not with him…i dont even call him when hes at work…..also in the night i take children to bed at 9pm and i stay with em there and he comes in the room at 12 o clock…..n in this time he works on a computer or watches tele…..is this not a space????how much more space shall i give him? got friends in the city nobody to speak to….i get tired working all day running after children,cooking washing and cleaning….am i at fault that i sit with my husband n want to chat with him??i chat with him and he listens he never says anything and watches tele….i try to make it talk but he doesnt..??????????

]]> By: Mrs A http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-529959 Mrs A Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:30:23 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-529959 Hi,My husband and i always had a very good relationship but in the last 2 years things have changed alott.He always thought i was the important person in his life n shared his ups and downs with me,never kept anything secret from me.But in the last 2 years i dont remember that he ever spoke to me anything abt his feelings,his joys and sorrow.His best friend who is a male has alot of interference in our life and my husband listens to him alot.My husband shares everything with him and strange enough his friend tells me abt wats going on in my husband life??My husband fights with me if i argue with him abt his attachment with his friend/friends and i always get this impression that his best friend and other friends and also their wives are more important to him than i am.I am looking for the reason Why??i always tried my level best to keep him happy and compromised a 1000 times, but now im tired now,cant take it anymore....we fight fight n fight,n after 2 3 days we become normal again,things are left with no solution and again after a couple of days we fight?Help me somebody i want to save my marriage? Hi,My husband and i always had a very good relationship but in the last 2 years things have changed alott.He always thought i was the important person in his life n shared his ups and downs with me,never kept anything secret from me.But in the last 2 years i dont remember that he ever spoke to me anything abt his feelings,his joys and sorrow.His best friend who is a male has alot of interference in our life and my husband listens to him alot.My husband shares everything with him and strange enough his friend tells me abt wats going on in my husband life??My husband fights with me if i argue with him abt his attachment with his friend/friends and i always get this impression that his best friend and other friends and also their wives are more important to him than i am.I am looking for the reason Why??i always tried my level best to keep him happy and compromised a 1000 times, but now im tired now,cant take it anymore….we fight fight n fight,n after 2 3 days we become normal again,things are left with no solution and again after a couple of days we fight?Help me somebody i want to save my marriage?

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Brenda is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Brenda</span> http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-263911 Brenda Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:04:00 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-263911 Zon and Yolanda, do you have counselling accessible to you? It is so important to learn who you are as a child of God, that you are valuable in His eyes, and that He loves you and wants the best for you. It would be wonderful if your husbands were willing to go, as well, but if they are not, and if you are unable to seek therapy for your own marital situations and to learn how valuable you are as children of God, I also would recommend Robert McGee's book The Search for Significance. It is a wonderful resource to teach you how valuable you are in God's eyes and that He wants you to be treated with tenderness and lovingkindness. Also, if you would like to speak to a mentor confidentially, you may fill out the form at the following link and one will respond to you promptly and with care and privately: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ God bless you both, and I pray you find peace in your lives and in your relationships. Zon and Yolanda, do you have counselling accessible to you? It is so important to learn who you are as a child of God, that you are valuable in His eyes, and that He loves you and wants the best for you. It would be wonderful if your husbands were willing to go, as well, but if they are not, and if you are unable to seek therapy for your own marital situations and to learn how valuable you are as children of God, I also would recommend Robert McGee’s book The Search for Significance. It is a wonderful resource to teach you how valuable you are in God’s eyes and that He wants you to be treated with tenderness and lovingkindness. Also, if you would like to speak to a mentor confidentially, you may fill out the form at the following link and one will respond to you promptly and with care and privately:

http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

God bless you both, and I pray you find peace in your lives and in your relationships.

]]> By: Zon http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-250217 Zon Thu, 08 Sep 2011 22:13:36 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-250217 My husband has been trying to pursue a second marriage as I am afraid he thinks it's ok to have to wife. He has been telling he won't do anything withy consent and i said no! Then behind my back he go on Facebook and looking for old girlfriends and trying to talk to. He said he need space because he can't do anything with me around and I just keep telling him that I can't I follow him I become over obsess with protecting my marriage! He has done before and cheated on me! I forgave him! But I getting tired and restless trying to figure out why and wanting to give up! He change alot and been acting strange lately he said he times to be with God but what do I do should I him space? But I know it did last time and he cheated on me! So now am I over reacting ? I don't know what to do should I just let it happen and her a divorce? My husband has been trying to pursue a second marriage as I am afraid he thinks it’s ok to have to wife. He has been telling he won’t do anything withy consent and i said no! Then behind my back he go on Facebook and looking for old girlfriends and trying to talk to. He said he need space because he can’t do anything with me around and I just keep telling him that I can’t I follow him I become over obsess with protecting my marriage! He has done before and cheated on me! I forgave him! But I getting tired and restless trying to figure out why and wanting to give up! He change alot and been acting strange lately he said he times to be with God but what do I do should I him space? But I know it did last time and he cheated on me! So now am I over reacting ? I don’t know what to do should I just let it happen and her a divorce?

]]> By: yolanda ayala http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-107562 yolanda ayala Fri, 11 Mar 2011 08:06:13 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-107562 My husband been distance from very snapping,always complaining what I did't do right.Lately his been going out after midnight he says for breakfast without me..when I ask him can I come, he says he wants time for myself...He's not a patient man,he could be verbal to me and insulting...I asking why he treats this way...and also he mimics me which that realy hurts..is he having affair or his he talking to someone else.... My husband been distance from very snapping,always complaining what I did’t do right.Lately his been going out after midnight he says for breakfast without me..when I ask him can I come, he says he wants time for myself…He’s not a patient man,he could be verbal to me and insulting…I asking why he treats this way…and also he mimics me which that realy hurts..is he having affair or his he talking to someone else….

]]> By: Alice M http://powertochange.com/discover/life/husbandspace/comment-page-1/#comment-91995 Alice M Mon, 27 Dec 2010 11:57:34 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=9871#comment-91995 I don't think it should be an issue to be dealt with in a marriage. One should keep the marriage bed pure. God intended a man and a woman to commit to one another in body, mind, soul and spirit. It's not a commitment or marriage otherwise. As far as most people would be concerned that is cheating. I could not share my spouse with another woman. I can hardly bear for him to notice another woman let alone touch her. I think it's a dangerous game to play. I think you need to reassess your commitment and feelings for one another. If something hurts your spouse you should look at stopping that behavior, somehow. I don’t think it should be an issue to be dealt with in a marriage. One should keep the marriage bed pure. God intended a man and a woman to commit to one another in body, mind, soul and spirit. It’s not a commitment or marriage otherwise. As far as most people would be concerned that is cheating.
I could not share my spouse with another woman. I can hardly bear for him to notice another woman let alone touch her. I think it’s a dangerous game to play. I think you need to reassess your commitment and feelings for one another. If something hurts your spouse you should look at stopping that behavior, somehow.

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