Our teenage daughter just told us that she’s pregnant

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

pregnantteenOur teenage daughter just told us that she’s pregnant. Our hearts are broken. How can we show her that we still love her and give her the support she needs when we are so disappointed?

Advice:

Dave: Well, what initially strikes me is that the focus seems to be on the parents’ disappointment. While it’s understandable that you are seriously hurt by her poor decisions, a wise parent needs to address the nature of their disappointment. Is it about your needs and your image, or is it genuinely about her loss? If your frustration is more about you, you’ve got to move beyond that.

Donalyn: That’s right. Right now she does not need you to reprimand her out of your frustration.

She’s already feeling bad enough about the situation. She needs to be commended for being honest with you, telling you about the problem, and not having dealt with it through an abortion. She needs your sympathy, and your love, in spite of the poor choices that she has made.

Dave: Your first reactions are critical. Choose to vent your anger and frustration alone or with another trusted adult, rather than on your teenager. As you interact with your daughter, try to restrain the disappointment you feel. It’s difficult, but understand that she is likely already stressed, scared, ashamed and possibly depressed. Now is not the time to put extra strain on her life, and on your relationship. You need to deal with the regrets (both hers and yours), help her understand God’s love and her need to repent and be forgiven, and then move on as a family.

Donalyn: While acknowledging your hurt is acceptable, causing more hurt isn’t. You need to confirm to your daughter that nothing that she has done will make God, or you as parents, quit loving her. This applies as well if you have a son who is responsible for getting a young girl pregnant.

Dave: That’s right on, Donalyn. We must convey our support through the crisis time. It has now become “our” problem, a family issue. If your initial reaction was hurtful, make amends with your son or daughter. Remember that interrogations and lectures will only drive her further away.

Donalyn: A difficult thing to try to gain perspective on is that, despite the precarious beginnings of this child’s life, the baby is still an incredible gift from God. God has allowed the baby to be conceived and born into this world at this time. It is not easy, but it’s essential that you begin to move past the disappointing circumstances and celebrate this new life. As a Mom, I would choose to use this time bond with my daughter, by telling her what your pregnancy with her was like. It’s critical that you help her understand the feelings she’s going to have, the changes taking place in her body and the anticipation of being a mother.

Dave: There’s a lot of discussion that needs to happen about the pregnancy. Will you keep the baby as a family, or give the baby up for adoption?

Donalyn: Well Dave, before you even go there, you need to affirm your daughter for not having an abortion. Make a commitment as a family that there are no options other than having the baby, so we are going to through this with you; you will not go through this alone.

Dave: Good point Donalyn. There are many different factors to consider when deciding whether to keep the baby or allow someone else to adopt the child. How old your daughter is will make a difference as to whether you might keep the baby. The older she is, the more likely it is that within a year or two she’ll be able to be in a position to properly care for the baby; whereas if she’s only 13 or 14, it’s a long, long, future ahead. Secondly, consider your position as a family. Are you willing to stand in the gap and be the parents of your child’s baby? A third factor is the likelihood of your daughter having a good marriage. Is the father of the child a candidate or not? The maturity of your daughter does come into play. Some girls, even in their later teen years are immature, and that’s part of the reason why they got into the situation in the first place. It’s important to talk to the other family if possible, and to determine what their level of interest is and the possibility of support from the father of the child.

Finally, you need to really talk through your daughter’s wishes and hear her heart. Realize that time will allow her to grow with the idea of either adoption or keeping the baby. So don’t force the decision in the first few months of the pregnancy. Work through it with her, recognize that the feelings will be up and down, and that you really need to do what’s best for the baby.

Donalyn: Those are great suggestions Dave. One I want to focus on has to do with your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend. You need to assess that relationship. Talk about it with your daughter. Find out what her heart is on it. You need to review the nature of the boyfriend and evaluate whether or not this is a good relationship that should continue. Consult with your daughter about that. At this point, all these different factors that Dave has mentioned may need to be worked through with a good counselor. They can help you talk through the different options and the pressures you’re facing as a family.

Dave: As a wise parent, it is always good to try to find another couple that has been through this before, and talk through their experiences. Further, find out as much as you can about the different options. How does adoption work? What does open-adoption mean? What are the implications of keeping the baby? What kind of help is there for single parents? Get as much information as you can. You’ll need to talk through the school options, whether it’s going to be home-school or correspondence, as well as other aspects of the future of both your daughter and her child. If you decide to keep the baby as a family, come to an agreement as to the level of care that she and/or the family is going to be putting into this child. This will likely change through the years.

Donalyn: It’s very important to remember that God often uses these poor choices that we make, and brings something beautiful out of them: beauty from ashes. In many cases, God allows these difficult things for our own good. We don’t want to miss the blessing. Parents, don’t let your embarrassment cause you to lose the joy of caring for your daughter at this time, or to miss an opportunity that God may have for your family.

Dave: That’s fabulous, Donalyn. God does redeem difficult situations. He’s the God of second chances. He’s the God of recovery. Help your daughter see that God’s love is there for her. Remember it’s never too late for anyone to start doing things right, to start doing things God’s way. Be patient with your daughter as you pray for her, but let her know that your love and support of her is unconditional.

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33 Responses to “Our teenage daughter just told us that she’s pregnant”

  • Paula says:

    I am hoping a young pregnant lady who is considering adoption might read my post. My husband and I are a loving couple who are unable to conceive and would love to start a family together. We would like to keep the birthmother in our family’s life, as we think it’s best for everyone. If you would like to consider us as parents, our adoption agency is Heart of Adoptions in Tampa, Florida; they help anyone out in the US. You can see more about us on their website: heartofadoptions.com/family/paula-and-james
    Please consider making our dream come true!

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Hi Carissa,
    I am so glad that you realized that most miscarriages have absolutely nothing to do with anything the mother did or didn’t do, but instead as you said, a problem with either abnormalities with the baby or a problem with the implantation process. We don’t realize how many women have miscarriages until we ourselves have one and others chime in that they also did! I had several, as did my daughter and sister, niece etc..I’m glad you took the time to post your comment!

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Nanette, My heart ached for you as I read your comment. Teen pregnancy is always complicated but I agree with your statement that your daughter can still have a great and successful life. Yes, this will change things. Some things may take longer, or be harder, but this is the beginning of a road, not the end of one. My own Mom always said that, “A baby is never a mistake.” The circumstances might not be what we should have chosen, but every child is a gift.

    Having said that, it sounds like you could really use some help in navigating between your desire to help your daughter and your husband’s wishes. The best thing I can recommend is to find a good marriage counsellor. I do not know your situation but I wonder if his reaction now is the residual effect of something in the past that has no been resolved? A good counsellor can help you work through these dynamics and give you tools to have the kinds of conversations it will take to try and keep the family together. There’s a national database of counsellors here. Alternately, do you have a faith perspective? Could you call your church and ask for a referral? If you’d rather your pastor or priest didn’t know what was going on, you could call another church in your town and ask. Generally speaking, bigger churches keep their lists of counsellors more up to date because they get more calls about it.

    Are you familiar with Ron Deal? He writes extensively about Smart Step Parenting and his site is a wealth of information. There’s an article here about being in tension between a spouse and a child that might be interesting for you.

    Another article I’d recommend to you is Joan’s article, “I Wasn’t Ready to be a Grandma” where she talks about her journey with her daughter and grandson. Or maybe bookmark it and come back to it.

    Nanette, I don’t know if you believe in God or prayer, but I do. Is it okay if I pray for you right now?

    God, I’m here to pray for Nanette today, for her daughter and for her husband. You know the situation in their home today. You’ve seen the shockwaves that rippled out from the news of this pregnancy. You see the pain in her husband’s heart. You know the history that the two of them have walked through with their daughter. You know the sleepless nights and fear and the fights that come with drug addiction. You’ve seen the improvements her daughter has made. I do not know what is in her husband’s heart – if it’s fear, or anger, or an unmet need. But you see it God. I pray for wisdom for Nanette and for her husband. Help them to speak gently to each other. I pray that there would be a way for them to still be a family, with their daughter and with this baby and whomever else may be in the family. You are the God of reconciliation, the one who makes a path in the desert who redeems us so completely that it says in the Bible that we are a new creation altogether. I pray for peace and for grace and for mercy. If Nanette does not know you show yourself to her. Even tonight father, help this family to take a step back toward each other. Help them to find a counsellor. Help them to feel heard. Strengthen their daughter and don’t let the stress of this lead her back in to a dark place. May they sleep well tonight and may their thoughts of the future be thoughts of hope. Where there is pain, bring healing. Where there are tears, bring comfort. Where there is excitement, help it to express itself in a honourable way. Show them the way forward I pray, Amen

    Nanette if you would like to talk to someone privately we have email mentors available. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days. Mentoring is a free and private service. You can learn more about the forgiveness and grace of Jesus here.

    I can imagine that this must feel like a very overwhelming situation but you are not alone. I’m glad you found this site.

  • Nanette says:

    My daughter is 17 and pregnant. She has decided to keep the baby after much thought on whether to allow another family to adopt or to raise the child herself. My daughters road has been bumpy. She was always a straight A student into high school. She had difficulty making friends and ended up with some pretty bad ones. She was deep in the drug scene for about a year and a half, but completely changed her life around and is doing so much better. She has ways had my love and support. She got herself back on track with credit recovery and is remarkably going to be able to graduate on time. I was so happy to have my girl back! Then we found out about this pregnancy. She has been struggling with this news. Upset that now she may not be able to do all the things she wanted before children. She had a dream to attend U of M and stay on campus and become an Oncologist. Obviously this will change things, but I am confident she will still have a great and successful life because she is very driven. However, this news has proven to be too much for my husband who is her step father. He is talking about leaving, saying I should let her pay for her actions and basically stop helping her. I can’t do that. She still needs my help, now more than ever! You see it was difficult to deal with her time of drug use, it put a lot of stress in the house as you can imagine. We (our relationship) barely scraped by during that time. But this is just more than he can handle and expects me to basically stop helping her. I am letting him go because my daughter is my top priority and helping her through this. I love him but I can’t understand how he could expect me to do anything different than help her now. Dies anyone have any advice or similar stories? Thank you for listening.

  • muslimah says:

    Wonderful issues altogether, you simply won a new reader. What could you suggest about your post that you just made some days in the past? Any certain?

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Well! that is a big subject to share. I know because I was adopted and I am very glad they my parents chose to give me up to a mother and father that really cared for me. So! I pray that if young people go through this situation that they will make the right choice=God’s Way! Amen

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Nancy, thank you for making the choice to let your child live. I know that it will not be easy but the love that is already in your heart for your child will only grow and grow and fill your life with more joy than you could ever imagine.

    I am sure that talking to your parents will be very difficult indeed. What do you think will happen when they hear about this child? What are you afraid they will do? When you describe them as very religious, what do you mean by that?

    What about your boyfriend’s parents? How does he think they will respond?

    I am certain that you have made the right decision to choose life for your baby and even though the circumstances of the beginning of his or her life is less than ideal, God loves you, your boyfriend and your baby. He will help you to make good decisions and empower you for the difficult parts in this journey. Do you believe that?

    Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father I am so grateful for the way that You have led Nancy and her boyfriend to choose this difficult path. I pray that You would continue to help them make good decisions and that You would help them to know how to talk to their parents about this baby. I pray that You would provide the strength that Nancy is going to need to carry this baby while she is still finishing school and that You would give her wisdom to know what steps she should take in the future as she weighs out the possibility of college, adoption, working, etc. It is so good to know that You have a plan for her and that You are able to lead her into the best path for her. I pray that she would look to You for her help and guidance. In Jesus’ name, amen.

    Nancy, I look forward to hearing back from you. If you would prefer more privacy to talk about all of this you can connect with one of our online mentors by going to http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ and filling out the Mentor Request Form. One of our mentors will get in touch with you soon by email.

  • Nancy says:

    I am a senior who was planning to go to college in sept. but now i found out that i am pregnant. I have told my boyfriend of 3 years and we have decided not to abort but i do not know how to tell my parents who are against getting pregnant out of marriage for they are very religious. I am scared and I do not know what i should do because i know it will be hard to have a child especially now that i am graduating h.s .

  • Mark says:

    My daughter 18 Straight A student Quit college in December. Had a scholarship. Moved in with a 26 year old boy who already has 2 kids. Can’t even drive because the state has taken his divers license for non child support. At first my daughter seemed repentant and sad. My wife and I saw that ( act) believed her, took her home. Said we would help all we could . (We are old parents 58) while I was picking her up, the police were there to take him to jail for something. It’s been 4 days. Now she’s crying and moaning missing this creep and wants to move back in with him. I’m losing my mind. I don’t care what people think but with out even meeting this guy, I know him better than my daughter. He will see the kid as another burden. This economy has wiped our my wife and my retirement savings etc after being a builder 37 years, my last real work was in 2008 so we have even lost our home. There is no way we can afford this pregnancy. I sought the advice of our pastor. We all agree none of us can handle th pregnancy financially, I know the father won’t yet my daughter who was always a good kid now is starry eyed for this creep . I begged her to look toward the future. With out schooling both my daughter and the baby will live in poverty. It’s hard but if she would let the hild be adopted, the baby should have a better life and so will everyone else. My daughter is very smart and talented but is completely ignorant about the world because prior to 2008 she had a wonderful child hood. Nice home. Loving parents, horses, good church friends. It’s like I no longer know her. This all feels so hopeless!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Daze, what a tremendous amount of pressure on these two young people. It must be a terribly confusing time. And it must be so hard for you and your husband to remain calm in the middle of all the turmoil in your own hearts and minds. What kind of strain is this putting on your relationship with your daughter? Does she see you two as a safe place to get advice and comfort? What about your influence on this young man’s life? Have you been able to build a trust relationship with him in the two years they have been together?

    One of the things I would encourage you to really focus on is a phrase that the Apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Church in Ephesus: speak the truth in love. I know when a person has strong beliefs about the value of every life there is usually no problem speaking the truth. The difficult part is trying to discern how to communicate that truth in love. Jesus did this so well. In His conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well outside of Sychar Jesus started by pointing out that there was hope for her. He identified Himself as the source of life and let her know that she could receive eternal life through Him. She discovered that this offer was not made in ignorance of the fact that she had a promiscuous past because as the conversation continued Jesus revealed that he knew all about her background, and yet still He offered her eternal life.

    The same is true for your daughter and her boyfriend: Jesus’ acceptance of them is not lost because of the choices they have made. You have the opportunity to be messengers of that love and acceptance of them. That doesn’t mean you ignore the mistakes they have made but your love for them is not dependent on falling into line with all the choices you want them to make.

    Another thing that we learn from Jesus is that He does not stand outside of the mess of our lives but He enters into the middle of our mess and creates a miracle. I love your willingness to care for your grandchild. That shows your willingness to enter into the mess they have made and create something beautiful. Look for other ways that Jesus will open up for you to enter even further into their mess. The more you do that the more you will be reflecting the love of Jesus into their lives. Part of that is entering into the mess of her boyfriend’s life as well. You can be sure his mother is not going to be able to provide all the love he needs and it opens an opportunity for you to be a significant support for him right now.

    Jesus never was concerned about how the mess of other people compromised His reputation. Let me encourage you to guard your hearts from being ‘embarrassed’ by your daughter’s choices. I know it is hard for parents not to react to the way their children reflect on them. Don’t get caught up in trying to hide your daughter’s pregnancy. Make sure she sees you loving her in front of other people and not acting embarrassed.

    The more you do these things the more respect you will have from both your daughter and her boyfriend and the more influence you will have on their decisions. They may not make all the choices you want them to make but don’t let that destroy your willingness to show God’s grace and love to them anyway.

    Heavenly Father I pray for Daze and her husband right now. There is so much disappointment and fear in their hearts right now and they really need You to guide their decisions and reactions. You are the source of love and they need to receive that from You for their daughter and her boyfriend. I pray that this would become a significant builder of trust and love in this family. Help them to reflect the character of Christ. Amen.

    Daze, do you have a good support group around you? Having others who can be praying for you is such an important part of all this. They can also be good to bounce ideas off of and bring in different perspectives for you and your husband.

  • Daze says:

    My 16 year old daughter just found out she was pregnant on Thursday. She is five weeks. She and her boyfriend have been together for 2 years. He is/was her first real boyfriend. She became sexually active for the first time on January 19, so she got pregnant the first or second time. I know they did not think it would happen. He is 18 and a H. S. senior. She is a junior. My husband and I are pro-life and will not sign for an abortion. He is about to graduate and go to college in just a few short months and he sees no other option. To make matters worse, just 3 days before she found this out, her boyfriend’s stepfather committed suicide due to financial problems and they are loosing everything, so in a matter of days, this young man lost the father who raised him, is about to be homeless (or will have to move to a rental), and then discovered his girlfriend was pregnant, so I know he has to be feeling overwhelmed. This is my youngest daughter. Her older sister is about to turn 30, is in a stable marriage to a wonderful man and has a son about to turn 3. Her oldest brother is 33 and also in a stable relationship and both are well-employed and they are expecting their first child in June. (There is a younger single brother aged 23). Her father and I are willing to raise this child until she is ready to take on the responsibility or forever, but we are 52 and 55, and her sister is the best candidate as they already have all of the furniture and are ready for a second child.

    I am afraid this young man who pressured her into a sexual relationship will also pressure her into an abortion to make his own life easier, but being a minor she will have to have a parent’s signature. If they go around this, by having his mother forge my name, or by leaving the state, we will have to press criminal charges and our relationship with our cherished daughter will be changed forever for the worse. We really need advise. I have already told her that there is no way I can take part in the murder of my grandchild and being a mother, I know that each of my pregnancies resulted in these wonderful, intelligent, beautiful and talented young people that God has graced me with. She is young and scared and confused and seems to think it is like getting her tonsils out. This is what her boyfriend is feeding her. Please advise.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Beauty, When I read your comment I thought of another article on our site that I’d recommend you read, “I Wasn’t Ready to be Grandma” by Joan Giesbrecht. In the article Joan described the thoughts and feelings she went through as she got exactly the same news from her daughter. Joan is several years down the road from this experience now and I think you’ll find a lot of help and comfort in what she has written.

    You said that you don’t know how you’re going to tell some of the other members of your family. If you have not already done so, consider that it is not necessarily your story to tell them. Your daughter has told you, has she mentioned anything about how she wants to tell the rest of the family? Is she ready to tell them yet? I know that your world is swirling around, but hers is too. RIght now she has told you, she’s invited you in to what has happened and is asking for your help. Be careful not to break her trust by telling the story to soon or without her permission and participation.

    If you would like to talk to someone privately we have online mentors available. (What is mentoring?) You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days.

  • From my perspective at 35, married and without children, but hopeful someday to start a family of my own..this is all a VERY special gift, and while it may not be planned, there are many options that can be considered. None however, that won’t take a considerable amount of love, and support.

    Wether these courageous teenage girls (including your daughters) are able to raise their child, or they choose another option such as adoption, I pray that their friends, family, and supporters remember that the amount of courage, strength and conviction it will take these young women to continue on.

    We all end up on different paths at some point in our lives, never really certain where our road will turn up, or truthfully when and who’s they may cross. I just hope to find that the choices we all make can strengthen our character, deepen our relationships, and give us some motivation to carry on.

    Life, as it turns out, no matter what, isn’t easy….and thats why we need each other.

    I wish you all the courage you need to carry on, and pray for the best outcomes.

  • Beauty says:

    My 19 years daughter just told me that she pregnant and I dont know how I’m I going to tell my mother-in-law and her father that she is pregnant and the father of the baby wants to keep the baby

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Tracy, That must have been very surprising news to hear. Have you had a chance to ask your daughter how she knows that she’s pregnant? Ie does she think she’s pregnant or has she taken a pregnancy test? If she knows she pregnant they maybe you can sit her down and explain that she has another person to think about now and she needs to go to the doctor to make sure that everything is okay. There’s a lot of medical care involved in a pregnancy and that starts right away. She might be in shock, she might be scared or confused. Let her know that you will go with her and that she can choose whether she wants you in the room for the examination or not, but she really does need to see a doctor.

  • Tracy says:

    My daughter is 15 and is telling me she is pregnant. She will not go and get tested and I don’t know what to do. I want her to be healthy. I’m not sure how to get her to go. Any suggestions? Thank you!

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Tiffany, It sounds like you have a complex family situation. Are there family members around who will be able to help you when the baby comes? You asked why it matters if a teenager gets pregnant. The answer to that is that having a baby in your teens makes things harder. It’s harder to stay in school. It can be more challenging to get a well paying job. Teen mothers often become single parents and have to do all the work of raising a child alone. (I’m glad to hear that this is not the case for you.)

    Are you seeing a doctor and getting proper pre-natal care for yourself and the baby? Have you thought about what you’ll do about school? There are more cities these days with programs specifically geared toward helping teen mothers graduate high school. Does your school have a program like that that? Your school counsellor should know what is available in your area. This is also a great time to take a parenting class so you’ll know what the baby will need and how to take care of him or her when the time comes.

  • Tiffany says:

    Im 15 and pregnant my moms in jail my dad is god knows where doing god knows wat n my boyfrienind is pretty much all i have. But we love eachother very much. Theres plenty of girls who get pregnant in ealy age . So wat? Its not like were murdering sumone.

  • Brooklynn says:

    First off, I’d like to say something, from the teen’s point of view.

    I’m fifteen years old and pregnant with a baby girl. I always thought i’d lose my virginity to a guy that I was deeply and truly in love with, and who was in love with me. Some lovely and exotic place, totally romantic and special. I never expected this to happen, but it did.

    I’ve always had high grades, and wanted to do well in school – to become a lawyer. So you can imagine my surprise when actually, i’d be swapping law school for dirty diapers!

    At the time, i’d been in a relationship for 10 months and i’m still happily taken by my daughter’s daddy.

    I strongly dislike the fact that teen pregnancies are frowned upon so much. That’s not me being naive and as a parent to be, I understand that you would like your children to experience more to life than changing diapers when they’re barely out of them, themselves. However, my body began preparing to support the growth of a baby at the age of 11. Therefore, you can become a mom at any age from then forwards. I’m not fully set on whether I believe in God, but for argument sake, let’s say He does exist. God would not have created us and made our bodies prepare for a baby before we are even in our teens, if we were not supposed to be parents at that age. There are many different answers, but Virgin Mary is supposed to have been between the age of 10-13 when she gave birth to Jesus.

    I’m not saying being a teen parent is wonderful, because it sure isn’t. I’m not glamourizing it, or encouraging it, i’m simply saying, back off of teen parents! It takes a lot of courage to have a baby – at any age.

    Empathise with a teen parent, imagine telling your parents, knowing they’ll be disappointed. Imagine the stares and hate you get while walking along the street, minding your own business. Imagine the loss of friends, and even family members – aren’t family supposed to be there when no one else is? Imagine the feeling of being told continuosly that you and your child will never amount to anything. May I remind you that Barack Obama is the FIRST EVER BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. His mom was 18 years old when Obama was born, he’s more successful than anybody that sits and hates on teen parents, just to bring to your attention. :) Dwanye Carter JR, while i’m not a fan of his music, I most certainly am a fan of his courage to become a dad at fifteen years old, and become a successful rapper.

    Taking all the hate, nasty words, loss of friends, loss of confidence, loss of belief in yourself and loss of belief others have in you, is worth it. You know why? Because I vow to become a lawyer, a successful lawyer. I vow to give my child everything she needs and wants. I vow to discipline my child when needed, I vow to teach my child about teen pregnancy, and hope she doesn’t follow in my footsteps. I vow to make my daughter proud of me, and tell her friends and their parents that her parents were successful teen parents. I vow to be as good as any other parent.

    Age does not matter when it comes to being a parent, as long as you can give your child whatever it needs.

    Collectively, teens should not be judged and labelled. Yes, some teenagers do sleep around without a care in the world, thinking they won’t get pregnant, they are wrong and very naive. However, that was not the case for me.

    I would not change the fact that I am pregnant.

    ‘Teen Mom’ and ’16 and pregnant’ gives teen parents a very bad name. I will not be part of that, I will prove to judgemental people, that I can do it.

    I love my baby and my boyfriend of 16 months. I love the people that have stuck by me, I love the people who support me and I WILL make them proud.

    Now, I hope this helps the parents of a teen parent or a teen parent themselves. If you’re a teen that ‘wants a baby’, please think of everything your baby will need. Think of all the points raised, the cost, the lack of support, the haters, the body changes, absolutely everything you do, has consequences. I do not advise that you purposely become pregnant.

    My life has completely changed, for the better, I believe. But that’s me, and that’s because i’ve been given a blessing, in disguise.

    PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU PURPOSEFULLY SLEEP AROUND OR ‘WANT A BABY’. PLEASE TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION OF HOW YOUR TEEN IS FEELING IF THEY HAVE RECENTLY FOUND OUT THEY ARE GOING TO BECOME A PARENT.

    There will be success stories, and there will be failure stories. Everything happens for a reason, whatever that reason may be.

    Thankyou for taking the time to read this, I hope it helps. :)

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Thanks for sharing your story Stephanie. It is amazing how God uses even our bad choices to accomplish amazing things in our lives. He is the miracle worker!

  • angela Tyson says:

    than

    k you all your stories helped and help me go back to church went a stray for a while,
    but truly belive he’s the answer
    I

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Kim, It might help to remember that you and your daughter are going to process this in different ways and at difference paces. There are going to be times in this journey that are really hard and times that are wonderful. I would encourage you to let your daughter enjoy the good parts because there are some long nights in her future. I understand that you are mourning – you can see what has been lost and perhaps you are also unsure of what is to come. There’s an excellent article “I wasn’t ready to be a Grandma” that I’d encourage you to read.

    Take a look at why you’re upset that your daughter is happy. A baby is a wonderful thing, even when the timing is not at all what you wanted. If you can, be really honest with yourself. Are you embarrassed? Do you feel that she should be embarrassed? Do you feel that she should feel shame? Are you trying to punish her? Do you want her to feel remorse? Are you afraid that she will do this again? Are you trying to protect her? Do you think she needs to grow up? Are you scared? Do you feel like this is a reflection on you? Is her happiness making your sorrow worse? If you can figure out what emotion you are feeling it will help you to process it in a healthy way. If you feel like she messed up but she’s getting a party while you’re being chastised for it then I could see how hard that would be.

    Fortunately, you have some time to get used to the idea of a baby. I do not know how old your daughter is or whether she is planning to raise the baby or not. I can only imagine the turmoil that this has set loose in your family. I would encourage you to make a conscious effort, right now, not to blame the child. It’s easy to see the baby as the problem, the interloper. But that child is innocent. He or she did not ask to be born in these circumstances. Be careful here at the beginning not to ever direct your anger or hurt feelings toward your grandchild.

    I would also suggest that you consider some counselling so that you have some support as you go through this. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be hurt and upset and confused and sad and concerned and scared and disappointed. There are probably going to be a lot of emotions – both for you and for your daughter and she’s going to have to deal with hers while living in the hormonal soup of pregnancy. Counselling is a very safe and healthy place to sort out those feelings to say the things you need to say and to get some strategies to work through things.

    Also, I would say that if your daughter is super excited now, give it time. She may not have reached the stage yet where she fully realizes what has been lost. In the article I linked earlier the author talks about how it didn’t really hit her daughter until her twin sister was shopping for prom dresses. There is going to come a moment when your daughter weeps, probably more than one. As much as you can, let her process on her own schedule as long as she is taking care of her responsibilities. It’s not easy, but how you handle this beginning part when she’s happy may well set the stage for whether or not she feels comfortable coming to you when she gets to the part where it feels like the world is ending. If you would like to talk to someone about this privately, we have mentors available. Just use this form to request a mentor. This is not an easy road and one I know you would not have chosen, but Mom always told me that “No child is ever a mistake.” Don’t miss the miracle hiding in these unwanted trappings.

  • Kim says:

    My issue with my daughter is that she seems almost excited that she is pregnant. It makes me what to unleash on her even more. How can she just act like it’s no big deal…she just got the latest new cell phone. How do I deal with that?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    youare…, while I don’t want to let this conversation get drawn away from the original issue of teen pregnancy, I would like to respond to your comments about faith. I don’t think you are using the term ‘faith’ accurately. We all exercise faith every day. Faith is trusting in something that you can only prove trustworthy by taking action. Every time you drive in a car you exercise faith that your own vehicle is responsive to your control, that the traffic control systems are working adequately, that the roads are properly maintained to allow you to safely travel on them and that the other drivers around you are following the same set of rules that govern traffic flow. You can only prove that faith by getting in your car and driving. Most of the time that faith is well-founded. But we have all seen situations when one or more of those things fail to be faithful and tragedy ensues.

    If we take that to a metaphysical level, the fundamental nature of being, we all exercise faith. Some people have faith that God is the source of all things. Others, like you I would imagine, have faith that all things have developed through random chance. We have all received information from our observation and experience of life and make our decision of what we will put our faith in.

    So your argument is not that faith is unreasonable but that faith in God is unreasonable. You are exercising your faith in the ability to explain the existence of everything without God as the cause.

    My faith in God (not only the initiating cause of all things but also the one who is actively involved in all things accomplishing His plan and purpose) is then exercised in my life always. When I am faced with difficult situations, like the one addressed in this article where a young girl becomes pregnant before she has a committed husband to raise that child with, my faith brings me to God for answers on how best to proceed. Time and again my faith has been proven to be well-founded because God has given me excellent direction in how to deal with the issue at hand. Like recently when I was laid-off and I wasn’t sure how our family would be able to secure a new source of income to sustain ourselves. It was a troubling time, but through the direction that I received from God I found that He had a better place for me to use my skills and passions that He had given me. As I look back on it now, I can see how God used that break in employment to get me to the place where I could really flourish.

    For those who are facing the pain of a pregnant teen I want to let you know that God does give the best direction. He can show you how to respond and flourish in spite of the less than ideal circumstances that this child is brought into the world. He will guide you to make good decisions, He will work miracles that open up hope where none existed, and through it all He will be a constant companion who will bring peace in your heart. I know that He will because He has done it for me and He has promised to; “For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never forsake you’” (God’s promise in the Bible at Hebrews 13:5). “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (found in the Bible at Romans 8:28) Put your faith in God. You will never be disappointed!

  • youaredumb says:

    Darren Hewer “I encourage you to explore this kind of “good faith.” This kind of faith is trust based on solid reasons, and I hope you will develop the kind of reasonable faith that there actually is a God who cares for us, despite the experiences you may have had with bad parents, bad churches, and bad luck.”

    Then you go on to say bad luck?????? so now you believe in luck…..well that would be faith in a nutshell…..Furthermore faith is never based on solid reasons….it very clear you dont even know what faith/belief is Darren Hewer

    Faith is deciding to allow yourself to believe something your intellect would otherwise cause you to reject — otherwise there’s no need for faith

    Thus a simple example…your jesus curing a blind person with spit and mud…you know this is false just on basic common sense alone….and you have no solid reason to even believe it…as a belief is always absent of evidence…so you have no soild reasons/grounds

    No faith is reasonable, faith is not a virtue..it is a surrender of reason…the main thing that actually keeps you sane and filters out rubbish

    Darren Hewer—–>>examine your beliefs…….then base your life on facts/knowns/truths….observed, tested ..verified…demonstrated…and shown to be accurate and correct with evidence

  • youaredumb says:

    RE: Darren Hewer……..On the other hand, there is also “good faith” to be found…”This sort of faith is humble, teachable, truthful, cognizant of science, and coherent with the real world”

    No faith is good, no faith is truth …..faith is absent of facts… thus absent of truth…thus absent of evidence…this is why this person with the child got herself into such a mess……she did not use reason..common sense/rational thought…thus she only has herself to blame …by following something blindly..and as a result is now reaping due to her non thinking…. rather..than going on KNOWNS/FACTS

    So what thetruth said in the post below is actually very accurate and correct

  • Dr. Patterson says:

    Those of us that believe in a supreme being shoul continue to beleive. Those who beleive it is bull, it is their choice. When our daughter finally broke her silence and told us she was pregnant, she was 23 weeks into her pregnancy–limited visible signs… We have embraced her and we are now laying out a process to ensure the baby is healthy, and our daughter. We will communicate with the boy this week. The support does not negate the diappointment, but it is not about us–we have learned to judge not, but ensure they are responsible for their choice. this is a very sensitive area of life, and i want to remind the critics that “one man’s strength is another man’s weakness.” we will support her in every physical and emotional way possible. i don’t beleive in debating positions on these sites, becasue people have strong opinions about teen pregnancy. Be careful when you cast negative conclusions, or when you assume parenting issues led to the poor choices. Reality is, we all make poor choices, some more painful than others obviously, but we all make poor choices. LOVE covers a multitude of faults, so we will cover and protect as we have always done. reality is, boys have the baility to “out influence” parents voices when a child feels a need for something–a boyfrind, sex, etc. Waht we msut focus on is how to reduce the urgency of sex in our children’s lives… the cosntant sexual revolution is unbearable. we can talk until we are blue, but we have a great challenge with sex in society–and some of the critics are choosing abortion to maintain an image, but the residual pain and lifelong regret could be more painful. let’s seek long-term solutions to this epidemic and not condemn in the process.

  • thetruth, it’s clear from your statements that you are angry, but calling those who have commented here “fools” and referring to the arguments presented here as “religious bull____” isn’t conducive to helping others find solutions.

    Since you suggest that the teenage girl should leave her mother’s care and attempt to raise the baby on her own, you seem to believe that her religious beliefs are not just wrong, but also dangerous. thetruth, I wholeheartedly agree with you that there is a lot of “bad faith” out there … bad faith being something that is based on unquestioned authority, coercion, dishonestly, hypocrisy, ignorance of science, and denial of reality. (You may have experienced this kind of faith yourself!)

    On the other hand, there is also “good faith” to be found. This sort of faith is humble, teachable, truthful, cognizant of science, and coherent with the real world. It is belief in something which has been demonstrated to be trustworthy, and explains reality in a cohesive way and leads to productive action. As someone who comes from a non-Christian background myself and never believed I would ever accept the central teachings of Christianity (and yet I have done just that), I encourage you to explore this kind of “good faith.” This kind of faith is trust based on solid reasons, and I hope you will develop the kind of reasonable faith that there actually is a God who cares for us, despite the experiences you may have had with bad parents, bad churches, and bad luck.

    Yes, many self-proclaimed Christians can act like jerks and/or idiots. But know that God is bigger than all of those things, and I hope you will choose to seek and discover that.

  • thetruth says:

    God? god? are you people mad? the fact that you think god blessed you with this child? what rubbish no wonder she got pregnant listening to your religious bull____.. kids dont beleive in god and neither should they.. you fools im so angry with you… if you had spent more time listening to your daughter and not trying to reach a god that is ficticious and out of date is probably the reason she got pregnant.. i am sorry but i beleive she should get away from you with her baby and live her life in the real world.. not yours!

  • Kathy Griffin says:

    My grandaughter’s boyfriend just advised that he and she are expecting a baby. He is 17 and she is 15. I don’t think it has sunken in yet; it’s almost unimaginable since she is still my baby who lives with me. I was in that situation at 18 and my boyfriend had left for the Navy. He decided he did not want to be a part of our lives. I chose undisclosed adoption. After 30 years of having a broken heart for not having her in my life, she and I became acquainted via adoption website. I want to advise her to go this route but they want to get married and keep the baby. I have to say I love her boyfriend; he is very comfortable with talking with me about her needs even before this came to be. I really don’t know how to advise her…it should be their decision but they are so young and have no idea what’s ahead. Her parents don’t know yet and this could really get complicated.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Dawn – I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, but I am glad that your daughter told you what was happening. That took a lot of courage. I’m sure she’s heard a lot of people say that abortion is no big deal, so to hear her say that she realizes that it IS a big deal and that she’s not even considering that is courageous again. There is a lot of work ahead, for all of you, but you don’t have to do it alone which is some comfort at least.

    Years ago I remember my Mom telling me that no child is ever a mistake. Sometimes life does not start under the circumstances we would have chosen, but only God can create a life. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that God had already counted the days of this child’s life. He already has plans for him or her, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you hope and a future.

    I highly recommend you read Joan Giesbrecht’s article, ‘I Wasn’t Ready to be a Grandma’. She talks about her own experience hearing the news that you just heard. She talks about what she mourned and what she celebrated, what she learned and what life is like now with her grandson. Also, if you would like to talk to someone privately we have mentors available. You can use this form to send in a request and we’ll match you up with a mentor who will respond by email.

    I prayed for you today Dawn. For you and your family, especially your daughter. I asked God to lead you through the confusion, past the feelings of not wanting to be on this road and into a place of peace. I asked that He would be very close to you, that you would feel a sense of His presence and know, deep in your heart that He has not abandoned you this in and He has not abandoned your daughter. I asked that He would show you what comes next and help you as you put one foot in front of the other and step in to this altered world. I asked that He would remind you that He is unchanged, that his love for your family and for its newest tiny member is unchanged even though the whole world feels unfamiliar today.

    I know that God will honor your desire to do what is best.

  • Dawn Irelan says:

    My 16 year old daughter and I just found out she is pregnant. We are very lost at the moment but want to make the right choices according to God’s plan in all this. She has already informed me that abortion is not an option. I want to thank you for reminding me of God’s love and that out of this difficult time, God has given us a very special gift.

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