Our teenage daughter just told us that she’s pregnant
Our teenage daughter just told us that she’s pregnant. Our hearts are broken. How can we show her that we still love her and give her the support she needs when we are so disappointed?
Advice:
Dave: Well, what initially strikes me is that the focus seems to be on the parents’ disappointment. While it’s understandable that you are seriously hurt by her poor decisions, a wise parent needs to address the nature of their disappointment. Is it about your needs and your image, or is it genuinely about her loss? If your frustration is more about you, you’ve got to move beyond that.
Donalyn: That’s right. Right now she does not need you to reprimand her out of your frustration.
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Dave: Your first reactions are critical. Choose to vent your anger and frustration alone or with another trusted adult, rather than on your teenager. As you interact with your daughter, try to restrain the disappointment you feel. It’s difficult, but understand that she is likely already stressed, scared, ashamed and possibly depressed. Now is not the time to put extra strain on her life, and on your relationship. You need to deal with the regrets (both hers and yours), help her understand God’s love and her need to repent and be forgiven, and then move on as a family.
Donalyn: While acknowledging your hurt is acceptable, causing more hurt isn’t. You need to confirm to your daughter that nothing that she has done will make God, or you as parents, quit loving her. This applies as well if you have a son who is responsible for getting a young girl pregnant.
Dave: That’s right on, Donalyn. We must convey our support through the crisis time. It has now become “our” problem, a family issue. If your initial reaction was hurtful, make amends with your son or daughter. Remember that interrogations and lectures will only drive her further away.
Donalyn: A difficult thing to try to gain perspective on is that, despite the precarious beginnings of this child’s life, the baby is still an incredible gift from God. God has allowed the baby to be conceived and born into this world at this time. It is not easy, but it’s essential that you begin to move past the disappointing circumstances and celebrate this new life. As a Mom, I would choose to use this time bond with my daughter, by telling her what your pregnancy with her was like. It’s critical that you help her understand the feelings she’s going to have, the changes taking place in her body and the anticipation of being a mother.
Dave: There’s a lot of discussion that needs to happen about the pregnancy. Will you keep the baby as a family, or give the baby up for adoption?
Donalyn: Well Dave, before you even go there, you need to affirm your daughter for not having an abortion. Make a commitment as a family that there are no options other than having the baby, so we are going to through this with you; you will not go through this alone.
Dave: Good point Donalyn. There are many different factors to consider when deciding whether to keep the baby or allow someone else to adopt the child. How old your daughter is will make a difference as to whether you might keep the baby. The older she is, the more likely it is that within a year or two she’ll be able to be in a position to properly care for the baby; whereas if she’s only 13 or 14, it’s a long, long, future ahead. Secondly, consider your position as a family. Are you willing to stand in the gap and be the parents of your child’s baby? A third factor is the likelihood of your daughter having a good marriage. Is the father of the child a candidate or not? The maturity of your daughter does come into play. Some girls, even in their later teen years are immature, and that’s part of the reason why they got into the situation in the first place. It’s important to talk to the other family if possible, and to determine what their level of interest is and the possibility of support from the father of the child.
Finally, you need to really talk through your daughter’s wishes and hear her heart. Realize that time will allow her to grow with the idea of either adoption or keeping the baby. So don’t force the decision in the first few months of the pregnancy. Work through it with her, recognize that the feelings will be up and down, and that you really need to do what’s best for the baby.
Donalyn: Those are great suggestions Dave. One I want to focus on has to do with your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend. You need to assess that relationship. Talk about it with your daughter. Find out what her heart is on it. You need to review the nature of the boyfriend and evaluate whether or not this is a good relationship that should continue. Consult with your daughter about that. At this point, all these different factors that Dave has mentioned may need to be worked through with a good counselor. They can help you talk through the different options and the pressures you’re facing as a family.
Dave: As a wise parent, it is always good to try to find another couple that has been through this before, and talk through their experiences. Further, find out as much as you can about the different options. How does adoption work? What does open-adoption mean? What are the implications of keeping the baby? What kind of help is there for single parents? Get as much information as you can. You’ll need to talk through the school options, whether it’s going to be home-school or correspondence, as well as other aspects of the future of both your daughter and her child. If you decide to keep the baby as a family, come to an agreement as to the level of care that she and/or the family is going to be putting into this child. This will likely change through the years.
Donalyn: It’s very important to remember that God often uses these poor choices that we make, and brings something beautiful out of them: beauty from ashes. In many cases, God allows these difficult things for our own good. We don’t want to miss the blessing. Parents, don’t let your embarrassment cause you to lose the joy of caring for your daughter at this time, or to miss an opportunity that God may have for your family.
Dave: That’s fabulous, Donalyn. God does redeem difficult situations. He’s the God of second chances. He’s the God of recovery. Help your daughter see that God’s love is there for her. Remember it’s never too late for anyone to start doing things right, to start doing things God’s way. Be patient with your daughter as you pray for her, but let her know that your love and support of her is unconditional.
youare…, while I don’t want to let this conversation get drawn away from the original issue of teen pregnancy, I would like to respond to your comments about faith. I don’t think you are using the term ‘faith’ accurately. We all exercise faith every day. Faith is trusting in something that you can only prove trustworthy by taking action. Every time you drive in a car you exercise faith that your own vehicle is responsive to your control, that the traffic control systems are working adequately, that the roads are properly maintained to allow you to safely travel on them and that the other drivers around you are following the same set of rules that govern traffic flow. You can only prove that faith by getting in your car and driving. Most of the time that faith is well-founded. But we have all seen situations when one or more of those things fail to be faithful and tragedy ensues.
If we take that to a metaphysical level, the fundamental nature of being, we all exercise faith. Some people have faith that God is the source of all things. Others, like you I would imagine, have faith that all things have developed through random chance. We have all received information from our observation and experience of life and make our decision of what we will put our faith in.
So your argument is not that faith is unreasonable but that faith in God is unreasonable. You are exercising your faith in the ability to explain the existence of everything without God as the cause.
My faith in God (not only the initiating cause of all things but also the one who is actively involved in all things accomplishing His plan and purpose) is then exercised in my life always. When I am faced with difficult situations, like the one addressed in this article where a young girl becomes pregnant before she has a committed husband to raise that child with, my faith brings me to God for answers on how best to proceed. Time and again my faith has been proven to be well-founded because God has given me excellent direction in how to deal with the issue at hand. Like recently when I was laid-off and I wasn’t sure how our family would be able to secure a new source of income to sustain ourselves. It was a troubling time, but through the direction that I received from God I found that He had a better place for me to use my skills and passions that He had given me. As I look back on it now, I can see how God used that break in employment to get me to the place where I could really flourish.
For those who are facing the pain of a pregnant teen I want to let you know that God does give the best direction. He can show you how to respond and flourish in spite of the less than ideal circumstances that this child is brought into the world. He will guide you to make good decisions, He will work miracles that open up hope where none existed, and through it all He will be a constant companion who will bring peace in your heart. I know that He will because He has done it for me and He has promised to; “For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never forsake you’” (God’s promise in the Bible at Hebrews 13:5). “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (found in the Bible at Romans 8:28) Put your faith in God. You will never be disappointed!
Darren Hewer “I encourage you to explore this kind of “good faith.” This kind of faith is trust based on solid reasons, and I hope you will develop the kind of reasonable faith that there actually is a God who cares for us, despite the experiences you may have had with bad parents, bad churches, and bad luck.”
Then you go on to say bad luck?????? so now you believe in luck…..well that would be faith in a nutshell…..Furthermore faith is never based on solid reasons….it very clear you dont even know what faith/belief is Darren Hewer
Faith is deciding to allow yourself to believe something your intellect would otherwise cause you to reject — otherwise there’s no need for faith
Thus a simple example…your jesus curing a blind person with spit and mud…you know this is false just on basic common sense alone….and you have no solid reason to even believe it…as a belief is always absent of evidence…so you have no soild reasons/grounds
No faith is reasonable, faith is not a virtue..it is a surrender of reason…the main thing that actually keeps you sane and filters out rubbish
Darren Hewer—–>>examine your beliefs…….then base your life on facts/knowns/truths….observed, tested ..verified…demonstrated…and shown to be accurate and correct with evidence
RE: Darren Hewer……..On the other hand, there is also “good faith” to be found…”This sort of faith is humble, teachable, truthful, cognizant of science, and coherent with the real world”
No faith is good, no faith is truth …..faith is absent of facts… thus absent of truth…thus absent of evidence…this is why this person with the child got herself into such a mess……she did not use reason..common sense/rational thought…thus she only has herself to blame …by following something blindly..and as a result is now reaping due to her non thinking…. rather..than going on KNOWNS/FACTS
So what thetruth said in the post below is actually very accurate and correct
Those of us that believe in a supreme being shoul continue to beleive. Those who beleive it is bull, it is their choice. When our daughter finally broke her silence and told us she was pregnant, she was 23 weeks into her pregnancy–limited visible signs… We have embraced her and we are now laying out a process to ensure the baby is healthy, and our daughter. We will communicate with the boy this week. The support does not negate the diappointment, but it is not about us–we have learned to judge not, but ensure they are responsible for their choice. this is a very sensitive area of life, and i want to remind the critics that “one man’s strength is another man’s weakness.” we will support her in every physical and emotional way possible. i don’t beleive in debating positions on these sites, becasue people have strong opinions about teen pregnancy. Be careful when you cast negative conclusions, or when you assume parenting issues led to the poor choices. Reality is, we all make poor choices, some more painful than others obviously, but we all make poor choices. LOVE covers a multitude of faults, so we will cover and protect as we have always done. reality is, boys have the baility to “out influence” parents voices when a child feels a need for something–a boyfrind, sex, etc. Waht we msut focus on is how to reduce the urgency of sex in our children’s lives… the cosntant sexual revolution is unbearable. we can talk until we are blue, but we have a great challenge with sex in society–and some of the critics are choosing abortion to maintain an image, but the residual pain and lifelong regret could be more painful. let’s seek long-term solutions to this epidemic and not condemn in the process.
thetruth, it’s clear from your statements that you are angry, but calling those who have commented here “fools” and referring to the arguments presented here as “religious bull____” isn’t conducive to helping others find solutions.
Since you suggest that the teenage girl should leave her mother’s care and attempt to raise the baby on her own, you seem to believe that her religious beliefs are not just wrong, but also dangerous. thetruth, I wholeheartedly agree with you that there is a lot of “bad faith” out there … bad faith being something that is based on unquestioned authority, coercion, dishonestly, hypocrisy, ignorance of science, and denial of reality. (You may have experienced this kind of faith yourself!)
On the other hand, there is also “good faith” to be found. This sort of faith is humble, teachable, truthful, cognizant of science, and coherent with the real world. It is belief in something which has been demonstrated to be trustworthy, and explains reality in a cohesive way and leads to productive action. As someone who comes from a non-Christian background myself and never believed I would ever accept the central teachings of Christianity (and yet I have done just that), I encourage you to explore this kind of “good faith.” This kind of faith is trust based on solid reasons, and I hope you will develop the kind of reasonable faith that there actually is a God who cares for us, despite the experiences you may have had with bad parents, bad churches, and bad luck.
Yes, many self-proclaimed Christians can act like jerks and/or idiots. But know that God is bigger than all of those things, and I hope you will choose to seek and discover that.
God? god? are you people mad? the fact that you think god blessed you with this child? what rubbish no wonder she got pregnant listening to your religious bull____.. kids dont beleive in god and neither should they.. you fools im so angry with you… if you had spent more time listening to your daughter and not trying to reach a god that is ficticious and out of date is probably the reason she got pregnant.. i am sorry but i beleive she should get away from you with her baby and live her life in the real world.. not yours!
My grandaughter’s boyfriend just advised that he and she are expecting a baby. He is 17 and she is 15. I don’t think it has sunken in yet; it’s almost unimaginable since she is still my baby who lives with me. I was in that situation at 18 and my boyfriend had left for the Navy. He decided he did not want to be a part of our lives. I chose undisclosed adoption. After 30 years of having a broken heart for not having her in my life, she and I became acquainted via adoption website. I want to advise her to go this route but they want to get married and keep the baby. I have to say I love her boyfriend; he is very comfortable with talking with me about her needs even before this came to be. I really don’t know how to advise her…it should be their decision but they are so young and have no idea what’s ahead. Her parents don’t know yet and this could really get complicated.
Dawn – I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, but I am glad that your daughter told you what was happening. That took a lot of courage. I’m sure she’s heard a lot of people say that abortion is no big deal, so to hear her say that she realizes that it IS a big deal and that she’s not even considering that is courageous again. There is a lot of work ahead, for all of you, but you don’t have to do it alone which is some comfort at least.
Years ago I remember my Mom telling me that no child is ever a mistake. Sometimes life does not start under the circumstances we would have chosen, but only God can create a life. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that God had already counted the days of this child’s life. He already has plans for him or her, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you hope and a future.
I highly recommend you read Joan Giesbrecht’s article, ‘I Wasn’t Ready to be a Grandma’. She talks about her own experience hearing the news that you just heard. She talks about what she mourned and what she celebrated, what she learned and what life is like now with her grandson. Also, if you would like to talk to someone privately we have mentors available. You can use this form to send in a request and we’ll match you up with a mentor who will respond by email.
I prayed for you today Dawn. For you and your family, especially your daughter. I asked God to lead you through the confusion, past the feelings of not wanting to be on this road and into a place of peace. I asked that He would be very close to you, that you would feel a sense of His presence and know, deep in your heart that He has not abandoned you this in and He has not abandoned your daughter. I asked that He would show you what comes next and help you as you put one foot in front of the other and step in to this altered world. I asked that He would remind you that He is unchanged, that his love for your family and for its newest tiny member is unchanged even though the whole world feels unfamiliar today.
I know that God will honor your desire to do what is best.
My 16 year old daughter and I just found out she is pregnant. We are very lost at the moment but want to make the right choices according to God’s plan in all this. She has already informed me that abortion is not an option. I want to thank you for reminding me of God’s love and that out of this difficult time, God has given us a very special gift.