How do I recover from abuse?
I am 25 years old and have been in therapy for about four years now but I am still not feeling good about myself. I really don’t know how to make myself feel good for a long period of time. In fact, I can remember only feeling good about myself for no more than three days to a week. I am on an antidepressant.
My main problem is this heartless creep I have allowed to use and abuse me for three years on and off. At times I have felt raped and violated by him but still never wanted to say no to him even when I knew that I should. We dated three years ago for a little over a month and as soon as we had sex, he dumped me to be with another girl. What devastated me the most, was that he committed himself to her. As humiliated as I was, I still let myself start having sex with him again and allowed that to go on for about another year. But I finally told him to leave me alone. Usually he never listens to me but this time he did. I am glad but depressed at the same time. I need to get over him. I feel like I was never good enough for him and that nobody is going to want me. I allowed him to abuse me and I know it is my fault, but why to people take advantage of that? I am so confused and sad that I just do not know how to get over him again.
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How to Start Over: Face the future after major loss
Advice: Since you are feeling so depressed and grieving, I believe that you need to expect it will take more time to experience a deeper measure of healing. You have been building up to breaking off with this abuser for a long time. You were too scared to be alone and having any affection or attention was better than being alone. Finally, you have decided to put your foot down and to put him out of your life for good. I applaud you.
You have many regrets and now you are dealing with the loss. May I suggest several steps you can take. Start working on building your self-esteem and self-confidence. This will be critical to your personal growth. You have been looking for your “self” and “significance” in other people, especially this man. I believe that people can only truly discover self and significance in God and Christ
God is the healer of the broken-hearted, can bring you comfort and courage to help you face today and the future despite this loss and your regrets. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.
Might I also suggest that you have reservoirs of anger and resentment towards this man and maybe you can’t forgive yourself for letting the abuse go on the way it did. Read about Forgiveness and Memories of Abuse in order to process whatever emotional pain you have.
It’s normal to be angry about your pain but it’s difficult to be “good and angry”. I have a book you may be interested in purchasing to help you deal with the anger and forgiveness issues: What’s Good About Anger?
Almost everyone who walks into my office is angry about something due to abuse, conflict, fear, loss or loneliness. You need to find how God and Christ can give you the power to forgive, release the pain and go on in your life. God can reveal the inner thoughts and attitudes that must be changed for you to become whole again.
Real healing can come and will come if you continue growing spiritually, grieving this loss and growing in your self-confidence.
I believe that you would benefit from counseling. If you decide to become or already are a Christian, then, you will discover how deeply loved and forgiven by God you are.
May you realize that today is a new day and you can start over. Today you can take some steps towards putting the past behind you and getting on with your life. You have value and worth. You can find a new purpose in life and go on. Start the healing today and get the support, counseling and spiritual guidance you need.
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
