Restore Your Self-Esteem
It is amazing what we accept as truth if we hear it enough times.
Has this ever happened to you:
You take a risk and get a drastic haircut. You look fabulous. You leave for work the next day in your favorite outfit feeling like a million bucks, You think “I’m so glad I did it, I love it!” You step into the elevator at work and someone turns to you, frowns, and says, “O, you cut your hair, what made you do that?” Your hand goes to your hair and you’d give anything for a hat. You feel terrible. Why did you have to go and cut your hair?
Self-esteem is an issue for many women and in these days of ultra-thin models and SuperMom expectations it shouldn’t surprise us. What is surprising is how quick we are to accept another person’s judgement and how serious our lack of faith in ourselves can become. For me it started during high school because of a group of four or five guys who told me that I was stupid and ugly every single day. I believed them.
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It didn’t matter that I came from a home where both parents still loved each other and there was a steady supply of love and encouragement. It didn’t matter that my grades were excellent and that I had a best friend who had stuck by me since third grade. I was told that I had no value and I believed them with all my heart. My self-esteem was at an all time low and it almost killed me.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem can be hard to define. More than just feeling good about yourself, taking pride in your accomplishments or liking what you see in the mirror, self-esteem is concerned with the way we judge our own worth. In his book Foundations of Psychopathology, Dr. John Nemiah defines self-esteem as the “ability to look upon yourself as having value.”
We tend to look at the equation backwards. We think that how we look dictates our level of self-esteem when in fact it is our self-esteem – our ability to see ourselves as having value – that dictates how we react to the face in the mirror.
Impact of low self-esteem
As my confidence faltered and my self-esteem withered away I stopped talking in class, in groups, or in the hallways. I dreaded lunch hour, never stepped foot inside the cafeteria and the thought of class presentations literally made me sick. I withdrew and stopped smiling altogether.
Convinced I was worthless, I stressed over every test and paper even though my grades were consistently excellent. My whole life revolved around being as invisible as possible. I thought that I couldn’t get hurt if everyone forgot I was there. The situation continued and I needed a way out. I couldn’t imagine anything that could help me. Because I saw myself as the problem, I began seriously considering suicide. I wasn’t dreaming about an escapist fantasy, I was frighteningly practical. My experience is a common one.
Low self-esteem and depression
Low self-esteem does not necessarily lead to depression but studies have shown that the two often go hand in hand. In fact the World Health Organization (WHO) uses low self-worth in its description of depression. 1 Low self-esteem makes you your own worst enemy. Thoughts of “if only I were prettier, if only I was good at sports, if only I was funny or popular, if only I was strong enough to fix this” crowd out everything else. Even if we receive praise, the voices inside our own heads discount it. Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman “the bad stuff is easier to believe.”
The symptoms of depression are often internalized, and so the problem may be dismissed as unimportant, hormonal, or just a part of growing up. The WHO has found that, worldwide “fewer than 25% of those suffering from depression receive appropriate care”. 2 It is critically important to pay attention to low self-esteem, especially in teenagers where suicide is in one of the three leading causes of death. 3 Even as adults low self-esteem can affect performance and advancement at work, make us a reluctant partner or a ineffective parent. Low self-esteem affects every part of a person’s life. It is overwhelming.
Healing
For me, things did not improve so halfway through grade eleven I transferred to a different high school. The insults stopped but I still had to face myself, running wasn’t going to fix that. Recovering a sense of self worth takes more than a change of scene, it requires a change of perspective.
The summer of that year I attended a conference with a group from my parent’s church and found answers in the last place I would have expected. At the conference I came to realize that God loves me very, very much. Here, finally, was a lasting source of value I could fall back on. I had a sense of self worth to build on and the healing could begin.
The world is a scary place when you stop liking yourself.
Now I had hope. I had learned about God as a child, but just trying to survive had consumed me and I had long since forgotten about Him; God had not forgotten about me. During my second year of university, I came across the verse in the Bible that is one of my favorites,
“I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:9&10)
Who am I? What a terrifying question when you don’t like yourself very much. Now I have an answer: I am a woman loved by God. You can say the same. You matter to God. He loves you so much that He gave His only Son for you. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
This was a great post! Thanks for sharing.
Hi Tasha,
If you’d like to talk to someone privately I invite you to sign up for a mentor. Our mentors will email you and walk alongside you through anything you’re facing. You can sign up for a mentor here.
Do you mind if I email you instead of replying on here?
Matthew the most important for anyone, male or female, is to look at what it is that the Bible tells us about ourselves. The life lesson that Claire mentions up above,(just click on the words, Do You Define Yourself) is an excellent place to start and then you will have an online study coach who will respond to you and pray for you and walk alongside of you.
it is a nice veiw point for women but i have bi pola im a man i need help with some veiw ponits and what if your already working for the church and you have low self worth what then ,,please answer.
Tasha, You mentioned that things are going downhill, how downhill is downhill? It’s understandable that you’d want to hang in there and deal with it yourself but there is absolutely no shame in seeking out help when you need it. Issues with self esteem are not unimportant, it’s not just a phase to get through. Sometimes it can become dangerous, and before it gets that far a doctor or counsellor can really, really help. On a scale of 1 to 5 where 5 is happy and thriving and 1 is hanging on by a thread, where are you right now? I do not know if you are depressed or not, but if you think you might be, go see your family doctor. Let them help.
Has something happened recently that made things worse? Did someone say something to you? Is this time of year challenging? Do you find that it’s harder in the winter time? (That’s a real condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder and there’s plenty you can do to help that if that sounds like you.)
You said that what I wrote before helped for a little while, why did it stop helping? Was it because it was hard to keep thinking about your thoughts and not letting the negative thoughts take over? I can relate to that. Sticking with it IS hard, but you do get to a point where the new behaviour become the habit instead of the old behaviour. Sometimes I think about my negative thoughts as if they are a large rock that I am carrying around and I ask God to help me pull my fingers off the rock and set it down. I’ve caught myself running back and picking it up so many times, but then I stop and ask again, “help me pry my fingers off this rock”. It helps. But you really do have to actually stop the thought and tell yourself that you are not going to think that.
I don’t know what your life looks like right now, but if you feel like you can’t handle what is happening, help is available. Suicidal thoughts are part of my story. It hasn’t happened for a long time now, but there was a time when I thought about it almost every day, a time when I started to make plans. I used to think that people who were suicidal were weak, but I know now that that simply isn’t true. I heard a definition of suicide once that said that “Suicide is what happens when our circumstances outweigh our resources to handle those circumstances.” You have not mentioned anything about suicidal thoughts and so I hope that is because you have not had these thoughts, but if you have the time to get help is now, before you feel completely overwhelmed, before it really is too much.
I think it is a very good sign that you commented here again. It says to me that you are still willing to fight to get better. You see that you are worth fighting for and that is SO GOOD. Because you are, you really really are. A couple of articles that would be good to read: Learning to Love the Girl in the Mirror, Finding Purpose, Women and Self Esteem. There’s also a really great life lesson on How Do You Define Yourself. If you try the lesson, you just fill in your answers and hit submit and then it goes to a study coach who will discuss your answers with you, offer further reading, pray for you and encourage you as you learn. It’s a great process I highly recommend it.
Claire-
Thank-you so much for your input, it helped a little, for a while at least. I appreciate your prayer. Things seem to be going downhill, though. . . I guess I’ll just hang in there.
Tasha,
It’s not a question of learning to ignore it, it’s a process of realizing what is true and what is a lie. I understand that it feels like there is a barrier between you and God but I promise you that God doesn’t see it that way. When there’s distance between us and God it’s because WE took a step back not because God turned away. When Christ looks at you he doesn’t see someone who is damaged. He doesn’t think that you are ugly or awkward or a bad Christian. He looks at you and see his beautiful child, treasured and wanted and created for a purpose. He sees you forgiven and restored.
Self image is such a hard thing to deal with because you can’t escape yourself – believe me, I tried. (You can read my story here.) I don’t know if you are telling yourself that you’re all these horrible things, or if someone else has said them to you, but they are not true. I know that they can buried so deep in your heart that they feel true, they sound true, but it’s all lies. It’s possible that you might be awkward, but if you are it’s a temporary condition for most of us. I was definitely awkward. And while it was impossible to believe at the time, I really DID grow out of it. You learn to get better at being with people, you learn to trust yourself and you learn which things you’re good at which situations tend to trigger things for you.
So trust me that the future does get better, but what do you do now, today?
First, you need to remind yourself of what God sees when he looks at you. Satan uses lies to convince us that we’re worthless, it’s the best trick he has. If he can convince you that you aren’t worth much then you’ll stay silent, you’ll be more likely to put up with terrible behaviour and less likely to act. When I was in your shoes my whole life revolved around being as invisible as possible. I figured that if they couldn’t see me, or forgot that I was there that it would hurt less. It’s a very small life. God’s plans for you are not small plans. He has huge world-changing plans for you and as long as Satan has you convinced that you can’t do it, you won’t. So we have to fix that.
Take a look at this list of who God says you are. It’s a big long list, so to start with choose just one of these things. The next time you hear yourself thinking, “I’m ugly, I don’t matter, God is mad at me or I’m a bad Christian.” stop and repeat the one true thing God says about you. Identify the bad thought as a lie and replace it with something you know is true. It’s going to feel really strange at first, kinda like breaking in new pair of shoes. But you have to breakdown the old thinking to let the new thinking in. I wish I could tell you that you’ll just wake up tomorrow morning confident and feeling like a million dollars, but in my experience it doesn’t work that way. It takes time. But you can start right now.
What is one thing that you love about yourself? Remind yourself of this when you find your thoughts circling back to negative things. Think of training your mind like training a puppy. You can’t teach a puppy not to jump up in just one go. You have to be consitent and every time the puppy jumps up, correct it. It’s like that with your brain. It’s going to reach for those negative thoughts often because that is a pattern that it is used to. Every time that happens, stop the negative thought and remind yourself of the truth of who God says you are and you’ll create a new pattern for mind. The Bible talks about “taking every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5) and about “renewing our minds” (Romans 12:2) What goes on inside our heads dictates how we live.
Lastly, do something to help yourself like what you see in the mirror. I know that none of us can snap our fingers and instantly have the body/hair/height that we always wanted, but we can always do something to make ourselves feel more confident about the way we look. What’s your favourite colour? Find a shirt or a pair of earrings or a bracelet in that colour and wear it. What is your favourite feature? Is there a way to play it up? Have you worn your hair the same way for years? Consider trying something different. Cuts can be scary because if you don’t like it it takes a while to grow out, but go online and look up a new way to style the cut you already have. Is your hair thick, fine, wavy, fizzy, hard to manage? Talk to your hairdresser, there might be a product that will take care of thing you dislike. (I have super fine hair and dry wax saved it. It actually has a little body now. Who knew?)
Feeling good about yourself takes time, feeling BETTER about yourself starts right now. Commit that you will not be one of the voices telling you that you are not enough. Be gentle with yourself. Only say good things to yourself. And if you can, see a counsellor. It can really help. I did not do that when I was your age and it has taken me years to sort out some of the lies I believed for so long. I know that counselling is scary, but we trust professionals to fix all sort of of other things – like our teeth, you’d never do your own dentistry – it makes sense to talk to a professional about this too.
I want to hear how it goes. What good thing are you going to do for yourself today? I prayed for you just now and asked God to show you how much he loves you. I asked him to help you as you begin the work of thinking differently. I asked him to give you peace and for mercy as you sort things out. I promise you it gets better. It really, really does.
Claire-
I’m a teenage girl dealing with a lot of self-image problems. I feel that my self-contempt puts a barrier between Christ and I, but I just can’t look at myself any differently. Ugly, awkward, and a terrible Christian– that’s all I can see myself as. I can’t go an hour without these things dragging me down, I swear. No matter what kind of day I have, at the end of the day, it’s the same feeling. It never fails to come back. How can I learn to ignore it?
Marie, I think that un-learning the things that were said to us when we were young could be the work of a lifetime. I think it’s a bit like changing the way you eat, or quitting smoking – it’s not a decision that you make once, it’s a decision that you make over and over again. Every single time those thoughts come in to your head you have to choose to think differently. And that’s hard, but it IS possible. It’s exactly what Paul was talking about in 2 Corinthians 2:5 “taking every thought captive”. You and I both know that thoughts and words – even the memory of them – are powerful things. They have the ability to harm but they also have the ability to heal.
It is work to fight against the things that have been said to us, the words of the people who have tried to tell us who we are. Know that God does not agree with the people who say that you are not enough. He sees you as a women of incredible value, unique talents and divine purpose. You are not an afterthought or a mistake, an also-ran or a footnote. You did not just happen, you were created. My Mom likes to remind me that two people can join their bodies, but only God creates life. He made you on purpose, he made you FOR a purpose and he loves you more than either of us can understand.
I have a little note pinned to my desk that says, “Feeling the fear she did it anyway.” I don’t know about you, but I know that for myself, for YEARS, I based a lot of my decisions on fear. If it was scary, I didn’t do it. I don’t like to fail so I tend not to try something unless I have a pretty good chance of being really good at it. Which when I actually stopped to look at it is a pretty crazy way to live. How do you ever grow or learn without trying? So I am trying to remember that now, and to be a little more willing to step into new things. You ARE good enough to be successful.
It reminds me of this quote from Maryanne Williamson, famously borrowed by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
As you grow in confidence, you’ll have a little extra to share with the people you meet who are not feeling so confident today. Learning to value ourselves is coming to terms with the idea that God really does see us, really does love us and really does have things that he wants us to do. Are you feeling a little bit of fear? Will you join me in doing it anyway?
I find that I can totally relate with you on self-image/esteem, but I find myself once again not believing my worth, value, or even purpose. I know that this is something that I have struggled with most of my life because of the messages that was told me day in, and day out when I was growing up that I wasn’t “good enough”. I know that even years later ; I have had a better self view of myself ,but I find it hard seeing myself the way the lord see me. I think that am keep sabotaging myself up for failure because deep-down I don’t believe that am good enough to be succesful. I have realize that this a pattern that I don’t like in myself.
Alex, I think that issues of self-worth and relationships are entirely genderless. Rejection, loss of relationship, that loneliness of having to start over, again, hurts just the same no matter who is receiving it. The struggle for so many people is that balance between rooting your self worth in something that does not depend on other people without completely cutting yourself off from other people. Human beings need companionship and when that is missing, it hurts. I’d give you the same advice I’d give anyone: are you being honest with yourself and honest with what you’re expecting from this other person? If any of us look for another person to be EVERYTHING we will be sorely disappointed. We are not one half of a soul divided looking for our other half. Each of us is a whole person, just as we are. Flawed and hopeful, searching and grounded. Many relationships fail because we’re looking for someone who will love us perfectly, who will know us intimately and will always do the right thing. But we’re people, and no person is perfect. Only God will always, always do what is very best for us. Love is not about finding perfection, it’s about finding someone you want to be with even when it all goes wrong. Maybe especially then. Love is in how we put the pieces back together, it’s in the person worth fighting for, the person to share everything with.
So where does that leave us? If you can, take a look at these relationships that have not worked out. Is there a pattern? Do you get to a point where you get scared? Do you tend to go after the same kind of person? Do you attract one kind of person but want to be with another? Are you a different version of yourself when you’re dating? The short answer is “if what you’re doing isn’t working, do something else” but figuring out what that is exactly and how to do isn’t easy. And if you’re in a place where your self worth has already taken a beating, making a big change can feel about as doable as climbing Mt Everest.
So my best advice to you: do something today that makes you happy. Buy an ice cream. Wear green. Pet a puppy. Rearrange your furniture. Walk somewhere pretty. Call your Mom. Change your haircut. Put your toes in the sand. Do something that makes you smile. And while you are smiling remember that you did not fall from the sky, you are not a by-product or left overs. You were created, hand crafted. God put you here, now, for a reason. Part of the work of life is figuring out what that reason is, but before you can do that you need to grab hold of the knowledge that you have worth and value because God made you on purpose. God looked at the world and saw that something was missing and put you in it. Hold that idea in your hands, roll it around in your brain until it starts to soak in. All our lives people try to tell us who we are, but ultimately, that’s our decision. Who do you want to be when you grow up? What is one step you can take toward that today? No go get that ice cream.
Can you advise those of us men who are jolted by gay and/or straight men when they don’t “hang in there” and their lack of staying power in commitment to befriending you, leads to a loss of self-worth? What does one do when, in trying to find intimate friends and find guys to self-disclose and be transparent with, he loses himself and veers from the Ultimate Provider of love, namely, Christ. It is hard. As social beings craving friendly, dependable interaction from flesh and blood members of one’s own sex, but finding it elusive, can be disheartening and demoralizing. Even if you try and try and try over years to forge lasting friendships, they don’t happen, how do you overcome the cross of it all, and maintain self-worth?
This article is very helpful. I didn’t have a word for it but I guess those words are low self esteem. I know God loves me. I have been a Christian for a long time, but I still struggle with this. Keep me in your prayers please.
This is marvelous! God told me this article is for all! Every single being is a child of God therefore men must also do the same prayer of course change “…the kind of woman..” to “..the king of man…” This article is actually very true I did this maybe 2 months ago and God made me become who I am supposed to be, an author I wrote a book in a month because I asked my life source (God) to guide me to a life full of love and abundance and that is just what I got! Looking at this article for research for my next project! I love it, you are a fabulous and beautiful woman!
Thank you! This has been really helpful to me.
What about men?
this is a nice article but it speaks only about women….what about men who have a low opinion of themselves? they too realize their true worth in Christ?