I can pretty much guarantee you that you does not want you to be an island. He created us for community. We see that in the way He set up the church and even in God Himself. God is all about relationship and if you cut yourself off from that you’re cutting yourself off from a pretty big part of life.

Why do you believe that you cannot have a relationship with someone? You mentioned that you are terrified of rejection, have you been rejected before? Often low self esteem can be associated with depression. Is that something you have dealt with? Have you ever been to see a counsellor to talk about it? If you are dealing with depression it makes everything feel like it takes an enormous effort. I know that it’s hard to keep trying, but you can’t just give up. That’s not going to get you what you want. Consider talking to a counsellor, they can help.

Also, I’d encourage you to read over this list of all the things God says are true about you. Read it over and over again. Print it out and put it somewhere where you will see it often. When we’ve been told bad things about ourselves or when we’ve come to believe that they’re true it’s hard to re-program your brain to see yourself differently. It can be done, but it has to be deliberate. That’s why you need to read the good things God says about you over and over. Let them seep into your brain and into your heart. Let God’s words change the way you see yourself.

It sounds to me like you’ve done some excellent thinking. You’ve started to identify what you want and what you don’t want. You’ve identified specifically which parts of convent life are not a fit for you, and as those elements are not things that can be changed or modified (community living is always going to involve asking for permission to do things) you’ve been able to see that this is not a compatible choice for you. You’re also thinking clearly enough to see what is a healthy environment for you and what will put you at risk. All of this is moving in the right direction.

So now it’s time to start thinking about making plans. You said that you don’t have anywhere to go which is a very real and practical concern. So while you still have the safety of the convent as a place to stay, start praying for a place to live and start asking around and looking. I know in my own life there have been times where I’ve asked God for someone to share an apartment with and He has provided. There was also a time when we were looking for a new place and we prayed and one of my roommates came home that night and said that there was a couple in her parent’s small group that had just decided to move and their home was available for rent. Did we want to see it? We went to look at it and it was perfect.

I believe that God will provide a place for you. Leaving is never easy. But making that move can be a really good thing once you get past the part where you have to take the leap. The thing is, the leap itself is over pretty quickly. Walking out the door is hard, but after that it’s just travelling and starting the next chapter. It’s scary, but you’re not going alone. You have God with you and He will watch over you.

I am under my doctor and I saw him on Wednesday and he thinks that the pressure of not feeling settled here is adding to my depression and that once I make a decision I will feel a lot better. He asked me when I was truly happy and I said when I was at bible college and preaching and doing pastoral visiting as well as praying with people that is when I felt most fulfilled.

I feel I have made my decision about whether to stay here or not and I don’t feel it is right for me as I feel too controlled and having to ask permission for everything and not having much space for myself actually drags me down as I feel like I am a child again and am restricted and oppressed. Since making that decisison in my own mind I have felt more at peace although I am still worried that I am just running away from something I don’t like and am scared that God won’t be pleased with me if He actually wants me to stay here but I just don’t think I can live this life as much as I like the place and the sisters I hate the lifestyle. I Have spoken to the Reverand Mother and told her how I am feeling and she has asked me to wait until I have a certainty about it before I make any decision which I have said I will do but to be honest I think if I stay here I will become ill as I don’t think I am physically or emotionally strong enough to cope with this life.

I also feel God has called me to healing ministry which is something I have felt called to for the last 15 years and if I stay here I will never get the opportunity for that because we are needed to clean the house and look after the elderly sisters and dont get the opportunity to work in the parish. I am also beginning to realise that I miss charismatic worship as I am now in the Anglo Catholic branch of the Anglical church but I actually connect with God in the context of charismatic worship and I miss that.

I am rather confused about it all but am feeling better in myself just not sure where to go from here as I don’t have anywhere to go if I leave here and it will be difficult to leave here but I want to do what God wants me to if He will make it clear to me.

Jackie

As you know, this time at the convent is designed specifically to see if you are suited to community life or not. If you feel that it is not for you, that’s not a failure, it simply means that the process has done exactly what it intended to do. It has shown you your answer. This is not a bad thing.

You mentioned that your depression is worsening. Have you talked to your doctor about this? If I were you I would book an appointment with the doctor as soon as possible. Depression is a complex illness with many factors in play at all times. You may need to adjust your medication (or back on on meds if you are currently off them). You might need changes in your diet, your exercise, your environment, the amount of sunlight or time outdoors etc. In addition, if you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to be very careful not to ignore those. Suicidal thoughts, sometimes referred to as suicidal ideation is something to be taken seriously. In the US you can call 1 800 SUICIDE, in Canada and in the UK 08457 90 90 90. Elsewhere in the world there is a full list of numbers here.

God has not forgotten you. He has a plan for you but it’s going to be hard for you to accept that until your depression is being managed under a doctor’s care. Think of it like this. If you were really short sighted I could put a wonderful gift right in front of you and you wouldn’t know it was there because your physical condition made it impossible to perceive it. It’s a bit like that with depression. Your brain is less able to process good news, sometimes completely unable to do so, because of the illness. But with a doctor’s care and supervision you can improve and with that improvement you’ll be able to see the good things that you simply cannot see right now.

Let me pray for you right now:

Father in Heaven, Have mercy on your daughter Jackie. I know that You see her, I know that You have a plan for her and You love her. Help her to find the right doctor, one that will walk with her in this depression. Help her to get the help she needs – whether that’s medication or therapy or both – show her that depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness, not a weakness. Give her the strength to ask for help, just as she has been brave enough to ask for it here. I pray that You would quieten the lies that she believes about herself. Show her the life that she can have, whether that’s inside the convent, or outside of it. Help her to believe that things can get better. Show her how much you love her. Show her that You see her. I pray for a counsellor, maybe even one of the sisters, someone to come alongside her so that she is not alone. Grant her peace, grant her hope, grant her relief so that she can see the value that her life has and is not tempted to take her life. Help her to feel your love today. In your name I pray, Amen.