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Has something happened recently that made things worse? Did someone say something to you? Is this time of year challenging? Do you find that it’s harder in the winter time? (That’s a real condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder and there’s plenty you can do to help that if that sounds like you.)

You said that what I wrote before helped for a little while, why did it stop helping? Was it because it was hard to keep thinking about your thoughts and not letting the negative thoughts take over? I can relate to that. Sticking with it IS hard, but you do get to a point where the new behaviour become the habit instead of the old behaviour. Sometimes I think about my negative thoughts as if they are a large rock that I am carrying around and I ask God to help me pull my fingers off the rock and set it down. I’ve caught myself running back and picking it up so many times, but then I stop and ask again, “help me pry my fingers off this rock”. It helps. But you really do have to actually stop the thought and tell yourself that you are not going to think that.

I don’t know what your life looks like right now, but if you feel like you can’t handle what is happening, help is available. Suicidal thoughts are part of my story. It hasn’t happened for a long time now, but there was a time when I thought about it almost every day, a time when I started to make plans. I used to think that people who were suicidal were weak, but I know now that that simply isn’t true. I heard a definition of suicide once that said that “Suicide is what happens when our circumstances outweigh our resources to handle those circumstances.” You have not mentioned anything about suicidal thoughts and so I hope that is because you have not had these thoughts, but if you have the time to get help is now, before you feel completely overwhelmed, before it really is too much.

I think it is a very good sign that you commented here again. It says to me that you are still willing to fight to get better. You see that you are worth fighting for and that is SO GOOD. Because you are, you really really are. A couple of articles that would be good to read: Learning to Love the Girl in the Mirror, Finding Purpose, Women and Self Esteem. There’s also a really great life lesson on How Do You Define Yourself. If you try the lesson, you just fill in your answers and hit submit and then it goes to a study coach who will discuss your answers with you, offer further reading, pray for you and encourage you as you learn. It’s a great process I highly recommend it.

It’s not a question of learning to ignore it, it’s a process of realizing what is true and what is a lie. I understand that it feels like there is a barrier between you and God but I promise you that God doesn’t see it that way. When there’s distance between us and God it’s because WE took a step back not because God turned away. When Christ looks at you he doesn’t see someone who is damaged. He doesn’t think that you are ugly or awkward or a bad Christian. He looks at you and see his beautiful child, treasured and wanted and created for a purpose. He sees you forgiven and restored.

Self image is such a hard thing to deal with because you can’t escape yourself – believe me, I tried. (You can read my story here.) I don’t know if you are telling yourself that you’re all these horrible things, or if someone else has said them to you, but they are not true. I know that they can buried so deep in your heart that they feel true, they sound true, but it’s all lies. It’s possible that you might be awkward, but if you are it’s a temporary condition for most of us. I was definitely awkward. And while it was impossible to believe at the time, I really DID grow out of it. You learn to get better at being with people, you learn to trust yourself and you learn which things you’re good at which situations tend to trigger things for you.

So trust me that the future does get better, but what do you do now, today?

First, you need to remind yourself of what God sees when he looks at you. Satan uses lies to convince us that we’re worthless, it’s the best trick he has. If he can convince you that you aren’t worth much then you’ll stay silent, you’ll be more likely to put up with terrible behaviour and less likely to act. When I was in your shoes my whole life revolved around being as invisible as possible. I figured that if they couldn’t see me, or forgot that I was there that it would hurt less. It’s a very small life. God’s plans for you are not small plans. He has huge world-changing plans for you and as long as Satan has you convinced that you can’t do it, you won’t. So we have to fix that.

Take a look at this list of who God says you are. It’s a big long list, so to start with choose just one of these things. The next time you hear yourself thinking, “I’m ugly, I don’t matter, God is mad at me or I’m a bad Christian.” stop and repeat the one true thing God says about you. Identify the bad thought as a lie and replace it with something you know is true. It’s going to feel really strange at first, kinda like breaking in new pair of shoes. But you have to breakdown the old thinking to let the new thinking in. I wish I could tell you that you’ll just wake up tomorrow morning confident and feeling like a million dollars, but in my experience it doesn’t work that way. It takes time. But you can start right now.

What is one thing that you love about yourself? Remind yourself of this when you find your thoughts circling back to negative things. Think of training your mind like training a puppy. You can’t teach a puppy not to jump up in just one go. You have to be consitent and every time the puppy jumps up, correct it. It’s like that with your brain. It’s going to reach for those negative thoughts often because that is a pattern that it is used to. Every time that happens, stop the negative thought and remind yourself of the truth of who God says you are and you’ll create a new pattern for mind. The Bible talks about “taking every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5) and about “renewing our minds” (Romans 12:2) What goes on inside our heads dictates how we live.

Lastly, do something to help yourself like what you see in the mirror. I know that none of us can snap our fingers and instantly have the body/hair/height that we always wanted, but we can always do something to make ourselves feel more confident about the way we look. What’s your favourite colour? Find a shirt or a pair of earrings or a bracelet in that colour and wear it. What is your favourite feature? Is there a way to play it up? Have you worn your hair the same way for years? Consider trying something different. Cuts can be scary because if you don’t like it it takes a while to grow out, but go online and look up a new way to style the cut you already have. Is your hair thick, fine, wavy, fizzy, hard to manage? Talk to your hairdresser, there might be a product that will take care of thing you dislike. (I have super fine hair and dry wax saved it. It actually has a little body now. Who knew?)

Feeling good about yourself takes time, feeling BETTER about yourself starts right now. Commit that you will not be one of the voices telling you that you are not enough. Be gentle with yourself. Only say good things to yourself. And if you can, see a counsellor. It can really help. I did not do that when I was your age and it has taken me years to sort out some of the lies I believed for so long. I know that counselling is scary, but we trust professionals to fix all sort of of other things – like our teeth, you’d never do your own dentistry – it makes sense to talk to a professional about this too.

I want to hear how it goes. What good thing are you going to do for yourself today? I prayed for you just now and asked God to show you how much he loves you. I asked him to help you as you begin the work of thinking differently. I asked him to give you peace and for mercy as you sort things out. I promise you it gets better. It really, really does.

It is work to fight against the things that have been said to us, the words of the people who have tried to tell us who we are. Know that God does not agree with the people who say that you are not enough. He sees you as a women of incredible value, unique talents and divine purpose. You are not an afterthought or a mistake, an also-ran or a footnote. You did not just happen, you were created. My Mom likes to remind me that two people can join their bodies, but only God creates life. He made you on purpose, he made you FOR a purpose and he loves you more than either of us can understand.

I have a little note pinned to my desk that says, “Feeling the fear she did it anyway.” I don’t know about you, but I know that for myself, for YEARS, I based a lot of my decisions on fear. If it was scary, I didn’t do it. I don’t like to fail so I tend not to try something unless I have a pretty good chance of being really good at it. Which when I actually stopped to look at it is a pretty crazy way to live. How do you ever grow or learn without trying? So I am trying to remember that now, and to be a little more willing to step into new things. You ARE good enough to be successful.

It reminds me of this quote from Maryanne Williamson, famously borrowed by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

As you grow in confidence, you’ll have a little extra to share with the people you meet who are not feeling so confident today. Learning to value ourselves is coming to terms with the idea that God really does see us, really does love us and really does have things that he wants us to do. Are you feeling a little bit of fear? Will you join me in doing it anyway?