What happens to the soul after suicide?
What happens to one’s soul/spirit after suicide?I recently had a close friend commit suicide and I am so worried that she will still not be at peace with herself. She had an anxiety disorder due to a troubled childhood and although she loved life, her friends, and her family, she just could not be independent as she could not relax.
We struggled together with this for so long. She was a creative and loving individual who had traveled much and lived away from us for a few years, so she had known independence. She feared for her sanity – she explained to me that she wanted to die because she actually did love herself and the constant thoughts going through her head would eventually turn into madness. I dearly love her and couldn’t bear to think that she will eternally go through this struggle. I am searching within myself to find meaning in my loss.
Advice: It’s obvious that you were and are a very close and loving friend. You have suffered with your friend right up to the end and beyond. You cared about her welfare, her emotional and spiritual state. But, now this tragedy has occurred and no matter what you or anyone tried to do – she has passed into eternity.
First of all, I want to tell you that your friend’s suicide and death was not anyone’s fault. Her suicide was the result of her choice and her psychological instability. Don’t let false guilt and self-blame take over. You and others tried to help. But, this woman is the one who made the choice despite all your pleadings and intervention.
Secondly, you need to grieve your friend’s death. You will go through several stages of loss: shock and denial, protest and dealing with the reality of her death, anger, confusion, depression and finally, reorganization. It’s normal to grieve. It’s important to care for yourself. You may need counseling. Go to your pastor for prayer and support. Read your Bible, especially the Psalms and the gospel of John. Jesus talks about God’s love for you and for the world, His plan to give you eternal life (John 3:16) and abundant life (John 10:10). Scripture will bring you comfort and hope for the future – hope for eternity.
The Bible does have stories about people who committed suicide but, it doesn’t talk about where their souls went – to heaven or to hell. But, Jesus promised: “I am the resurrection and the life – he who believes in me though he may die – yet shall he live.” John 11:25 If your friend trusted in Christ as her Lord and Savior – she is in heaven today. How do I know? Because Jesus said “I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father but by me.” John 14:6
Jesus claimed to be God, to speak the truth and the words of God. He died on the cross for the sins of the whole world and then, rose from the dead on the their day. Over 500 witnesses saw the resurrected Christ!
Because of these facts – you can have great hope for the future! You can trust that Christ loved your friend greatly and will judge her justly.
Suicide is a devastating experience to those who loved its victim. Suicide happens because the person is so depressed and has not received the appropriate treatment – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
But, suicide, though a sin, can be forgiven – at the foot of the cross where all sin is wiped away when one believes in the Savior who sacrificed Himself to redeem the world.
You will never feel comfortable with what happened. A life was lost. But, you can trust that God can bring good out of this circumstance. God can become more personal to you in this time of suffering. God can give you courage and make you a person of character with strong values. God can demonstrate His love and comfort to you during your pain. God can give you more wisdom to help others who have suffered.
This world is a broken place – a place that is not our home. We are just passing through. Your friend could not stand the emotional and mental turmoil she experienced. But, you can. You and God can go on.
She ended her stay on earth and God allowed her to do it. He did not cause her to do it because He is not the author of evil. He does allow people to make choices which are against His will. But, you can find hope and courage to discover God’s will for your earthly life. You can leave a legacy that will give others hope for tomorrow and for eternity.
If you find you are depressed and anxious because of this – see a counselor.
You can find a counselor. God bless you as you discover what He has in store for you even in the midst of this loss.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Read more about faith
Read more about depression, anxiety, fear, suicide and spiritual questions
Read about grieving
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
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This is not an easy time at all for you. Hope knowing you have people who care and want to help you while going through this helps? The most important thing is knowing that Jesus loves you and he is always there for you when needed. Praying to Him is how I handle any situation that is out of my control. If you can get your husband to take time to speak with a pastor in your area, and get counseling I think this might just be what can hold your marriage together? But remember no matter how this all works out we are here for you and most of all our Lord is and He is going to walk you through anything you are going to go through. Be there for your little ones, and give your love out to them. This is hurtful to them too and they cannot help this decision being made by your husband. How you respond to this is very important. They say ” When one door closes a window opens and it is very true i have found. It is not easy to believe it before it happens though.
Dear Jesus
I ask you to be there for Jam. Help her as she walks through this storm. We know the Sun/SON always comes out after the rain and once more all things are bright again. We know that while going through it this is never easy at all so help bring peace to her soul knowing you are with her no matter what and she has friends and brothers and sisters in “‘Christ who care very much!” Thank you Jesus for the love you have for us always and the love we can give to our children. We love them so much and we know you love all of us even more than that! Thank you in Jesus name, Amen
Dear Lost, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I can only imagine how awful it must be to hear your husband say that you are no longer married. I want to be really careful here, but if it helps at all, remember that his words do not dictate reality. He has not divorced you and so in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of God you ARE his wife and you ARE married. That has not changed. He can’t undo that all on his own, he’d have to take you to court if that’s what he really wanted and he has not done that.
It sounds like you have done everything you possibly could to try and begin to do the work of earning back his trust and he is either unable or unwilling to begin that process. He may have very good reasons for wanting to stay in this angry phase but it is hurting him as well as you, and I would guess, the children as well. Do you know if there is any possibility of him agreeing to go to marital counselling with you? I don’t know if he just needs a place to get his anger out, I don’t know if he can’t get past the feeling of betrayal or if something else altogether is dictating his choices, but in his attempt to hurt you he is hurting himself as well. Some people enjoy the feeling of having the upper hand, even at the cost of their own happiness, but it’s a very damaging position to hold on to long term.
I absolutely believe that it is possible for your marriage to be restored. It may take a miracle, but God is a miracle-working God. He is FOR your marriage, not against it. If you have confessed the affair to God and asked for forgiveness then He has forgiven you. I am sure that you are already praying for your husband, I would encourage you to pray even more. Ask God for a miracle in his heart. Ask God to help your husband let go of his hurt. Yes, he has every right to be hurt, but if he chooses to live hurt for the rest of his life it comes at an incredibly high cost.
But that’s enough about him, you’re in this too. First, if you feel that you are a danger to your own life please call 1 800 SUICIDE. They have trained suicide counsellors who can help you any time of the day or night. I often hear people talking about suicide being a permanent solution blah blah blah and for me personally it makes me want to punch things. I much prefer this definition of suicide because it sounds like what I was feeling when I became convinced that it was my only choice: Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. You are in a lot of pain so to help you choose life we need to find a way to either a) reduce your pain or b) increase your resources for coping with pain.
I’m guessing that you have already run the gamut with your doctor on pain management strategies. Is there anything else you can do to reduce your stress which might help reduce your pain? Is there a hot tub at your local pool that is accessible to you? Can you get outside? Do you have favourite music? A favourite food? A place you can go to with a pretty view? Find something that you enjoy and schedule it into your week, or even your day as rigidly as if it was one of your medications.
Consider increasing whichever of the spiritual disciplines resonates best with your heart. If you’re praying, pray more. If it’s reading the Bible that brings you close to God, do that more. Look for a specific study that can help. Deepening your spiritual life can help you handle pain. Ask others to pray for you. Are you part of a church community? They might have resources that can help. If you’re stuck in the house and can’t get to church, look for places online where you can be part of a Christian community. (Our chat room is a great place to start.)
I’m not sure how mobile you are if you’re not able to drive, but if it’s possible consider meeting with a pastor or counsellor for some counselling. You can get marital counselling on your own if your husband is not interested in coming with you. A counsellor can also help you as you walk through this challenging time. You are dealing with a great deal of emotional trauma and a counsellor can help you with that. You do not have any control over your husband’s thoughts, feelings or actions and you are not responsible for his thoughts, feelings or action. Read that last part again. You are NOT responsible for his thoughts, feelings and actions. Yes you were unfaithful but that makes you responsible for your actions, not his. If he is blaming his feelings and actions on your behaviour, you do not, you cannot accept that responsibility. He is choosing to feel that way and choosing to act that way. Yes, your actions have a direct impact on his life but only he can determine his own reactions, how long he holds on to those feelings. He is in control of his thought life and he cannot put that on you.
Let me pray for you right now:
Father, I’m here on behalf of Lost today. She is in so much pain right now. I know that You see her. I know that you are “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief”. You know what pain like that feels like and I pray that you would bring her relief. See her in her circumstances and move to change them. You see her husband and You know how much her affair hurt him. You see her heart and know how deeply and truly she has repented of that affair. I pray for a miracle. I ask you to soften her husband’s heart, crack the hard shell he has put around it and make him willing to start walking back toward his wife rather than standing with his back to her. I pray for their family, that they can be a family again. I pray for the children that they would feel their parent’s love toward them and that they would be protected from the hurts that are flying around their home.
I pray for hope for Lost. She needs to see You, she needs to hear You. She needs to be reminded that You love her and see her and have a plan for her life. Give her hope. She is in a long, dark tunnel. I pray that this would only be a season and that a shard of sunlight would start to pierce her darkness. Show her that there are good days ahead and that the hard work it will take to get there is worth it. Teach her to value her life as You value it. Show her that she is beautiful in Your sight. I can only imagine how hard a day like Mother’s Day must have been when her husband has no kind words for her. Mend her heart. Show her that she is more than the sum of her mistakes, she is beloved and valued and needed and special. Reveal Yourself to her today she needs you desperately. Give her reasons to live I pray. In your name, Amen
Dear Lost,
My heart goes out to you because I understand your pain. I had gone through some very difficult times as well and thought the same as you are currently thinking. I thought everyone else…my husband, children, friends…would be better off without me and I prayed to God not to let me see another day. However, He decided to sustain me through the tough times and now being on the other side of it life is a bit better. Not perfect….but better!
Please reach out for help either through one of our mentors or a pastor at your church. Both of these avenues helped me out in my darkest hours and I am cetain they will help you too! God has you alive for a good reason. Don’t allow what you don’t have to hinder what you do have.
If I was there, I would give you a hug. If I was there I would offer you encouragment. If I was there I would aid you in your suffering. But I am not there BUT God is there with you. I pray that you will reach out and accept help from those God will bring to your aid. I pray in time to come you will report back to us with the marvelous work HE has done in and through you.
Lost, God Loves You and so do your children and other family members.
Somewhere, somehow along the line the physical and emotional pain I have endured turned me into someone I loathe. The physical pain is from a herniated disk in my neck, which ultimately resulted in a spinal surgery that went horribly wrong – I woke up paralyzed. I now use a walker and have no sensory function on 1/2 my body. The emotional pain stems from a husband who was addicted to online gaming, and dished out some verbal abuse, leaving me to care for our 2 small children as a proverbial single mother. We went through marriage counseling and he changed his ways, but not before I did the unthinkable, unspeakable act of having a lengthy affair. Now, he believes that the only reason that I am “here” is because of my physical condition – which is NOT true. It has been nearly a year and a 1/2 and I am still begging, pleading and praying for forgiveness. He constantly says how much he hates me for what I’ve done and that he’ll NEVER forgive me, but that he will continue to live in “hell” for our children. We don’t scream and/or fight, and we put up quite a good front as our children are quite happy. I don’t know how much longer I can take the physical and emotional turmoil that literally has no end. I am regularly reminded of the torture I put him through. My physical issues will also not improve and I am in constant pain. Regardless of our issues, no one deserves what I did…between the depression, pain, medications and isolation I can honestly say, I don’t recognize the woman who betrayed him. While I don’t want these to be excuses for my actions, I need it understood that I felt like I was completely another person. I wish and pray DAILY that I simply didn’t exist.
Yes, I am keenly aware of the “your children will pay even a higher price if you aren’t here for them”…but as damaged as I am, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that I am a positive influence. I used to be loyal to a fault and I betrayed the one person on this earth would have done anything for me. I used to be very athletic and now I can’t even drive a car.
How can a life barely 1/2 lived be filled with so much regret and sorrow? I tell him all the time that I’ll do anything to earn his forgiveness and trust; and that even if he doesn’t have faith right now that I will have enough faith for the both of us. Other couples have survived such catastrophies and if they can do it, then so can we…..that we ARE worth saving…but he cooly replies that we are no longer married and that I am not his wife…and I weep.
I am simply losing the will to live. Please dear God, if you ever loved me, don’t let me wake up in the morning. He constantly says that it kills him to look at me, so please end his pain with my last breath.
I have been searching for answer as well, I committed suicide long ago but i survived it. And I got more confused after than despite of rigid counselling I guess given the facts that my surrounding never change. But then, a miracle happened to me. A group of religious people came to our house and invited me to their church, nothing to do and seeking for I dont know what I went anyway. Then, they read the bible on why we are here and our purpose in life. After that I was walking my way home and I keep thinking what the discussion about. That we are fallen angels and we needed to satisfy God that will make us deserving so we come home, to heaven. Childish I know! Then suddenly, there is this wind brushes all over me and only that I feel so light and everything seems so clear and easy. I was a better person after that and learn to handle all my fears and downfall. But recently, my cousin committed suicide and he was succesful and left us. Every day I think of him, it should have been me. Why God spared me and not his life. He made a mistake and a second chance wasn’t given to him. I dream of him everynight, sad and seem numbed. I kissed him and told him I love him but no emotion can be seen on his face. I am scared for him and looking for way so I can help him find way to heaven. Like my dad, everytime I dream of him his happy and always giving me strength even in dreams only. WOuld anyone know how I can help him? Please dont say prayers that’s the easiest answer.
Hi Shakthi, I am so glad that you took the time to write your story here. I know that there is a part of you that does not want to die but wants to be healed. I want you to know that the One who made everything, Jesus Christ, loves you without limits. He has created you for a specific purpose just exactly as you are. He sees you as a valuable and holding out His hand to help you be strong. He said “Come to me all of you who are weary and weighed down; I will give you rest.” (that quote is found in the Bible Matthew 11:28) Jesus understands you because He is the one who made you and He knows everything there is to know about you. I would like to help you find how Jesus can bring healing to your life. Are you willing to look to Him for answers? One place that you can start is at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose.
i’m undergoing too much difficulties since 4 years….before this, when i used to get depressed, i used to console myself like why we should wste our life, it is yet to go…but day by day my confidence and mental strength gets decreases…each and every one i met so far, used to feel pleasure by seeing me in such a state…every one used to tell me as insane…it s making me to not to live in this world…no one is understanding me…i should’ve died before 4 years…i couldn’t escape from these beasts…i couldn’t go anywhere else as this is my final year…everyone is teasing me without conscience..i’m so sensitive..i tried to overcome it but i couldn’t….i just want to die…i dont bother what others speak about me…i just want to die…this world is only meant for those who are wealthy…i should not born as a girl in next birth…i should not live anymore…
Is response to Sarah, I would just like to know on which scriptures do you base that belief on? According to Jesus’ own words is Mat. 12:31 He says “And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.” If we use this scripture to measure the act of suicide, where would the act fall? Taking ones own life is certainly a sin for we are called God’s temple (1 Cor. 3:16) but does it go as far as blasphemy against the Spirit. In this verse in 1 Corinthians it talks about a specific kind of blasphemy not just any but against the Spirit. So what does this really mean then? Blasphemy of the Spirit is being in a continuing state of unbelief that Jesus Christ is the the Son of God.
So then does committing suicide constitute the same thing as being in a continual state of unbelief? I would think not. To the best of my knowledge the only sin that God will not forgive is not believing in Him and His Son Jesus Christ.
I’m sorry for your loss but unfortunately your friend soul is damaged. She chosen a choice, and that is to take her own life and you tried to help her but couldn’t. Everyone here telling you that she is in heaven to make you feel better all because you grieving but God really doesn’t forgive people who commit suicide. God doesn’t forgive that because she rushed her own death before waiting for her actual time. I’m sorry to sound so cruel but in my religious belief that’s what I believe and if others read the bible correctly, it says something that
Hi Jam,
That must be really hard living in a new country. It sounds like you don’t have much of a support system which makes this harder. So, how do we go about getting you some support? Everything is harder when you’re alone – as I’m sure you know. Did you try asking for a mentor? It can take a couple of days for them to respond but I think that would be one more person in the world is actively trying to help you and praying for you.
I think it was very brave of you to go to the school counsellor. I wish they had been more helpful. Do you go to church? Is there anyone there who could help you? Do you know if there are suicide prevention resources in your city? Many places have them. Do you speak the language in the country where you are?
Your brother is wrong about you having no will. You might have been living as if you were a puppet but that was only because you felt you had no choice, not because you had no will. In everything that you’ve told me so far, I see a fighter, I see someone who wants to live, who wants to feel better, who wants to sort out who he is and where to go from there. Don’t give up on yourself. You have the most important thing already – you have the will to find a life that’s better.
Do you know how long you will be in this new country? Will you be going back home at some point or is this a permanent move? If it’s temporary, then it won’t be like this forever. If it’s permanent then you’re going to need to build a life for yourself in this new place. I know that it’s hard, and it can be scary, but you can do it. You mentioned that you rarely go outside. Is the place you are living somewhere where it’s safe for you to be outside? If it is, then try this: sometime today, or as soon as you can, take a 5 minute walk in your neighbourhood and look for one thing that is beautiful and one thing that is ugly. Come back here and tell me about them. It can be really overwhelming to be somewhere new, especially if it’s somewhere you didn’t want to be, but there are good aspects to almost everywhere if you look for them. Sometimes something as small as one beautiful thing can help you start to see other things that you did not notice before.
I don’t know how you felt when you found out that you were moving. I’d probably be pretty scared and mad and maybe upset. If this new place isn’t where you want to be it can be easy to tell yourself that there’s nothing good here. It can be tempting to not try to find anything good because you just don’t want to be there. But I bet there are good things there. I bet you can find them.
If I had to guess, I’d guess that the biggest issue is not what’s going on around you, it’s what’s going on inside your head. Not knowing who you are, or wondering if you even like who you are can be really, really scary. (Trust me on this. You can read my story here.) I wish there was something I could say that would make all the confusing thoughts in your head make sense. I think it will take time. Part of the process of growing up is figuring out who you are. You’re confused, a lot of people your age are. It’s not always a confusion about sex, it can be a confusion about faith, or school, or what sort of life you want to have. Being 18 is hard because you’re starting to get responsibilities but you don’t have the experience to know the best ways to choose wisely. In time, you’ll see how things work out and you’ll be better able to see what you want. In the short term, it’s a lot of trial and error trying to figure that out.
It must be really scary feeling like you have to hide a part of yourself from everyone. It can be tempting to think that if you end your life it will be easier, but i don’t believe that’s true. If you were to die tomorrow you’d never get to see how great it feels to be 25 or 41 or 87. You’re just getting started. This is the hardest part. The Trevor Project rel=”nofollow”> has a lot of resources for teens who are questioning their sexuality and are considering suicide. If you read through some of the info there you’ll see that you are not alone. It says that teens who have questions about their sexuality are 4 times more likely to consider suicide. I don’t know if that helps, but there are a lot of people just like you, and a lot of adults who are so glad that they did not go through with their plans to end their lives.
You talked about their being no way out. That’s not true. I know it feels that way, but it’s not true. Time – time is your escape hatch. Make it through this next little while and the whole game changes. You’ll have the freedom to live the way you want to, to decide for yourself. Don’t rob yourself of your own future. I know you’re tired and I know that every day feels like a battle. It’s not easy. But it doesn’t have to be fatal.
You asked if God made all people equal- I believe that he did. I know that we need to respect our parents, especially when we are living in their house, but I do think that you should be allowed to ask questions. Would you be able to talk to your Mom when neither of you are upset and ask your questions then? Is there another family member you would feel comfortable talking to? I did a little research and found a site Befrienders Worldwide that has access to suicide prevention counsellors in every country in the world. See if your country is on the list and they might be able to help.
The main thing is this: you might feel like you don’t have a choice, but you do. The choice to live is yours and yours alone. No one else can take that from you. Death is a terrible final chapter to a life that is just getting started. We call it a tragedy when young people die because so much of life was still in front of them. A friend of mine was 19 when she died of complications from Cystic Fibrosis. The doctors had worked her entire life to try and save her but the disease destroyed her lungs and the could not save her. I remember sitting in the church as the pastor spoke at her funeral and thinking how unfair it was that she was never going to get to do the things I do every day.
Don’t break your own heart Jam. Don’t be the one who takes your dreams away. You have the will to do this. I think that you know yourself better than you realize you just haven’t figured out what to do about it yet. That will come in time. What was the future that you used to dream of? What did that look like?
Dear Claire,
I appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into this message.I really appreciate it. Yes we do have a ”student counselor” in our school, but they only tell me the things I already know. Sometimes, I think they don’t even pay attention , because for them I’m just one of ”those” kids. I’ve went to the guidance counselor a couple of times, telling them there’s really something wrong with me. I’ve tried to change my way of thinking to a point in where, I’ve mind raped myself. Pushing that I’m ”normal”, but what is normal? Adults telling me things, that I already know, I know that there’s something in life, I know that I can’t change and choose who I love. I’ve done research and I’ve done several of searching. Trying to ”cure” my insanity. For I no longer hold the future that I used to dream of. I’ve always hid the fact that I liked the same sex. I thought maybe if I could ”correct” my way of thinking things would be better that way. For zen once said ” What you think is what you are”. That’s why ,I’ve been struggling on changing and hiding. Due to my childhood , I was ought to obey my parents at all times because that was written on the bible. My mom and I had a fight before and when I talked back to her she told me I had no rights to do so , for I am only her child. I do not need to ask question. It hit me then, I thought, how can that be even plausible? Didn’t GOD made all human the equal? didn’t he say that there are no illegitimate children only illegitimate parents? Does anyone of you believe that a young being like me, have no right to decide for my future? Have I no soul? Am I not an individual? All of this question and things are all in my head. My head is full of doubt.From Depression comes another. I have yet to fully understand how to live life. I do not live in the states, me and my parents are travelling due to work,so I am currently in a country that I don’t not know off. I even rarely go outside. I get comments from my brother that I had no will, he said I was like a living puppet. He didn’t have to tell me, I already know, and I know somehow that there’s no way out..
Jam,
I have tears in my eyes after reading your comment. Let me say this first, it gets better. It really does. (There’s a campaign online with that as its tagline, with videos from adults all over the world who struggled as teens and have found that by sticking around, it gets better.) I have not stood exactly where you are standing, but I do know what it feels like to think that suicide is the best option. It’s not. You are not who your parents say you are, you are who YOU say you are, you are who GOD says you are. And this is what God says about you: He says that you are loved and cherished, that your life has a purpose. He says that you are so valuable he would do anything for you, he sacrificed for you. You matter and we need you here.
It is incredibly hard to be compared to a standard you cannot attain – you will never be your brother, you can only be yourself. Right now this life at home is the only life you’ve ever known, but here’s the truth of it: you only spend a fifth of your life living at home with your parents. When you’re a little older and you go away to school or you move out and get a job and your own place then you’ll have the right and the power to determine your own life. You will be able to take control, but only if you’re here to take it. You need to honour your parents, you need to be a good son and from what you’ve said here you ARE doing that. You won’t have to live with them forever.
You mentioned asking for clinical help and your Mom saying that you didn’t need it. I have not met you, and I am not a doctor so I cannot diagnose you, but if you think you need help my advice would be to see what you can do to get it. If your Mom won’t take you is there a way to get help without her? Is there a clinic in your city? A youth center? Is there a hospital you could go to? Are you insured? You are 18 which means that legally you can make your own choices. Is there a counsellor at your high school that you could talk to? It is incredible brave of you to ask for help. So many people are too scared to do that. But you did. You were brave. You fought for yourself. Keep fighting for yourself. Find someone who can help. You are strong enough to do this, look you’ve asked for help again here. I think that means that you want to get better, you want to live. And you can. LIVE.
Depression is not weakness, it’s a medical condition and there are doctors who should be able to help. You sound like you’re feeling like you can’t handle this on your own, you don’t have to handle it alone. Depression is not something you can snap out of, or just cheer up, or “think positive” until it goes away. Depression affects the chemistry of your brain, and with the right medical help you can get better.
You mentioned having questions about your sexuality. Remember that no matter what you are, or who you are attracted to, that does not make you any less valuable as a person. If this is not something you can talk to your parents about, see if you can find someone else. Talking it through might help you sort out what you are thinking and feeling, but it needs to be with someone who is safe and trustworthy. The counsellor at your school is probably the best person to start with to try and find someone. I know that you are not the person in your high school who has wondered about this. They train high school counsellors to deal with this, they should be able to help.
So what do you do right now, today? If you feel that you might be a danger to yourself, do not delay but phone a suicide hotline immeditaly. I-800-SUICIDE works anywhere in the US and western Canada. If you live somewhere else, there are additional resources here.
Second, see if there is a counsellor at your school or a clinic in your area that can get you the help you need. Also, I’d suggest that you request a mentor here on this site. We have people who respond to readers who are suicidal. All you need to do is fill out this form to request a mentor. It doesn’t cost anything. The mentor will send you an email which is kept private and you can keep talking as long as you like.
Lastly, please don’t kill yourself. I don’t know if it means much coming form a stranger, but please don’t. You are right on the edge of such a fantastic time of life. You are becoming an adult, choosing who you want to be, making decisions about your future. There are such good things ahead and if you do this now, you won’t get to see any of them. I know that you are in pain and I know that you have been fighting so hard to make this better. Fight just a little longer. Fight long enough to get the help you need so you’re not fighting alone. You can do this. You can. There is a whole world to explore and people to meet, victories to celebrate, maybe even kids to meet one day. I know it feels so far away right now, but it’s not.
I remember what it felt like when I was sure that I did not have the strength to face another day. I am incredibly thankful that I did not follow through on my plans back then. It got so much better, and it continues to get better. There are still days when I am sad, or I feel alone or weak or like there’s a mountain in front of me that I cannot climb, but I have tools now, things I can do when I start thinking or feeling that way. I have people I go to, I have places that are safe for me, I have little rituals that help, and I pray. I know now that I am not alone even when it sometimes feels like I am. You’ll get there. You will. There is so much more to life than suffering, I promise.
Dear Jam,
My heart goes out to you. You are so young and in a lot of pain. We offer free and confidential mentoring, can I pass on your request to one our mentors that can walk with you through this journey. Please do not do anything to yourself. There is so much more to life than what you are going through.
Leah