Understanding Cutting
My daughter cut herself for the first time when she was 12 years old. Today, 11 years later, she is still struggling to overcome this problem. At the time I knew absolutely nothing about “self-harm” and it scared me to death. I was shocked and bewildered that she would do such a thing. It’s important to understand cutting – what it is, who does it, why people do it, and how to get help for you or a friend to stop hurting inside and out.
What is cutting?
Cutting is when someone takes something sharp, like a razor, knife, scissors or piece of glass, and runs it along a part of their body, usually to the point of bleeding or bruising. Most cuts are made on arms, wrists and legs. Sometimes, people cut their chest, stomach, face, neck, breasts or genitals. Cutting on the arms and wrists is the most common because it’s often easier to make up excuses for marks on these parts of the body, something like “My cat scratched me,” or “I had an accident in the kitchen.”
Love For a Lifetime: How I got past the parental rejection of my childhood
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Cutting is a form of self-injury, self-harm or self-mutilation. Some people also call it slashing or slicing.
Besides cutting, people may hurt themselves in other ways, including scratching, burning, picking at wounds, hair pulling, punching or head butting. People cut to deal with difficult problems or feelings they cannot verbally express.
Who cuts and why?
About two million people in the U.S. hurt themselves in some way. Most are teenagers or young adults, and they’re from all races and backgrounds. They often wear clothing like long pants or shirts to hide their cutting, even in warm weather.
For most people, it’s hard to understand why anyone would intentionally hurt themselves. But, for those who cut, there are a few common reasons:
- emotional pain they can’t put into words
- to gain a sense of control when other things in their life are out of control
- to punish themselves for troubling thoughts or acts.
- some find the act soothing
- to get a reaction from other people.
No matter the reason, cutting is a serious, dangerous behavior, and may be a sign of another problem.
Many people who cut themselves also have an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. Some may be experiencing depression. Others may have been sexually or physically abused.
Is cutting a suicide attempt?
Usually, people who cut aren’t trying to kill themselves. At the same time, cutting can be life-threatening. In fact, sometimes, people can’t control the injury and die accidentally.
If you or someone you know is thinking about killing themselves, contact 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) immediately or contact befrienders.org from anywhere in the world to talk to a crisis center in your area. Suicide is never the answer to your problems.
You can also tell them about this site: myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms This non-profit is about bringing awareness, hope, encouragement and community to those who struggle with self-harm, depression and suicide (as well as addictions). They also raise money to help support programs that are addressing these issues. They gave away over a million dollars in 2009! My daughter’s story was the inspiration behind this global movement of love and hope. You can read her story by going to the myspace address above, then scrolling down and clicking on “read the story here” in the right hand column. (I apologize, there is profanity in the story)
How can I help a friend with this?
If you have suspicions, go ahead and ask them about it. Friends with cutting problems are often glad to be able talk about it. If you bring it up and this person isn’t self-injuring, it won’t start just because you said something about it. If they leave their wounds uncovered so that you can see them, they want you to ask them about it. Offer options but don’t tell your friend what to do. If someone’s using cutting or some other kind of self-injury as a way to feel in control, it won’t help if you try to take control of the situation. Helping someone see ways to get help – like talking to a parent, pastor, teacher, school counselor or mental health professional- may be the best thing you can do.
Educate yourself on the issue. Two helpful websites for both the person who is struggling with cutting, as well as their family and friends are: selfinjury.com and selfmutilatorsanonymous.org They even have online support group meetings. A few good books are Inside a Cutter’s Mind: Understanding and Helping Those Who Self-Injure
Seek support for yourself, too. Knowing a friend who is going through this can be frightening and stressful. Consider talking to someone else you trust. And remember, even if you don’t want to share your friend’s secret, you can still talk to a mental health professional about how it is affecting you. Remember, you’re not responsible for ending your friend’s self-abuse. You can’t force someone to stop or to get help from a professional. You can’t fix them or change them, but what you can do, always, is keep being a trustworthy, caring friend. Just asking about it and encouraging them to seek help shows them someone cares. It may be exactly what they need to take the next step.
How can I help myself?
Talk to someone you trust. Maybe it’s a parent or a good friend, a pastor, youth worker or a school counselor. Tell them you’re cutting yourself, and want to stop. Ask them to help you find help. Know that you may get some tough reactions like denial or sadness or anger, but that will pass. If you’re not comfortable with that, contact a local mental health group or a hotline in your area. There is a lot of help available and this can be overcome.
Cutting isn’t something to deal with on your own. There are therapists and support groups who can help you work through what makes you cut. Even if you’re nervous about getting help, take this step, because NOW is the best time to do it. If you wait, the problem will only get bigger and harder to hide. You can stop cutting!
My daughter says in her book Purpose for the Pain, “I didn’t do this of my own accord, I am not that strong. God has carried me . . . It was hard work getting to this point (in recovery 6 months) . . . but it happened, and it can happen for anyone who wants it. This isn’t my story. This is God’s story of redemption . . . how beautiful is that?”
If you would like to talk to someone privately we have mentors available by email. All you need to do is use this form to send in a question. We will match you with a mentor who will respond in email, usually within a couple of days. You can email back and forth with your mentor as long as you like. The conversation is private and there is never a fee.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Hi Marc, that is interesting that your doctor suggested that there may be a spiritual aspect to why you are dealing with depression and cutting. I am confident that God knows what is behind your depression–both the physical and spiritual–and He has a plan of how to deal with it. I find great encouragement from Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God has prepared in advance for us.” You are the masterpiece of the Almighty God and He is using all of the experiences of your life to prepare you for the things He has created you to do. And you know that if He was able with the word of His mouth to create everything He is more than capable to accomplish His plans for your life.
So since God has things prepared in advance for you it makes sense to me that you would want to focus your attention on Him to follow His leading and direction in your life and to know how to respond to things in your day as they come up. I think I am on pretty safe ground saying that cutting is not the way that God has planned for you to respond to the pressures in your life, which means either you have not been following what God has been directing you to do in response to the pressure you are feeling or you have not been aware of how God is directing you. Jesus promised that His sheep–those of us who are His followers–know His voice and follow Him (John 10:4-5, 27) So the key is tuning in your ears, eyes, heart and mind to Jesus so that you can hear His voice and then have the courage to follow Him.
We live in a world that has so many voices that we can get easily distracted and develop habits of listening to other voice other than Jesus. The way that we combat those distractions is through the help of the Spirit of God and immersing ourselves in activities where we can hear His voice–prayer, Bible reading, sharing with other followers of Jesus and serving other people.
So practically speaking, when you are feeling the pressures start to build in your mind you can read through some of the promises of God and ask that the Holy Spirit would help you to trust in those promises rather than the lies that are bringing on the depression. You can find a list of encouraging verses about your identity in Christ at http://www.ficm.org/index.php?command=textwhoamiinchrist. That is a great place to start. So take a verse like Philippians 1:6 “And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.” and ask the Spirit of God to help you be confident that He will complete the good work He has started in you. Ask Him to show you what He wants you to do to play a part in completing that good work and know that He will indeed answer that prayer. The answer to that prayer may be that you go to the doctor to find a medication that will help. It may be that you feel led to get outside for a walk to get exercise and fresh air. It may be calling a Christian friend to share the struggle you are facing and praying together. There is all kinds of ways that God might lead you but you can know that He will lead you because you have asked and that is a prayer He always answers “Yes!”
So Marc, what are the pressures you feel?
So how are we suppost to stopp when the pressure is too intense and praying doesn’t help to relieve the pressure in our brain? I saw my doctor at the end of may and he said that I may have Clinical Depression and that I will have to see him in 2-3 months. I will see him again on the 28 of this month to see if I will be put on medication or not. He also suggested that I ask my pastor to see if it is a spiritual thing and my pastor has told me that he has no idea why I am depressed….I haven’t told my mom that I am back to cutting (it’s been on and off) because she’d flip. I’m almost 18….so how do I stop?
Hi Hamila, I am glad you posted a comment here. What did you think of the article? Did any of it connect with what you have been feeling? How are your parents trying to help you?
Hi my name is Halima. Im 14 yours old. I have been cutting myself for three years now I hav cuts on my arms and legs once I cut myself sixteen times on left arm. today is the day my mom and first time finding out that I have been doing this for a long time. They think I need help so guss I need help
Hi Leah,
If I’m reading your comment correctly there are two questions here 1. How can you help your friend and 2. Should you start to cut? I’m going to talk about the second one first. Should you cut – NO. It’s tempting to think that you can support your friend by joining her in this behaviour, but you can’t help her that way. It will only end up hurting both of you. Many people who cut use it as a way to try and deal with deep emotional pain, your friend needs people who can help pull her out of that behaviour, not people who hold her down in it. You know how a small child will scream in frustration because they don’t know how to talk and can’t ask for what they want? Cutting is a little bit like that – it’s a cry for help when you don’t know how to say the words out loud. But cutting is not an answer.
Cutting doesn’t actually make anything better. The endorphins that are released can temporally make you feel a little better but time after time after time the pain is still there. Imagine if you broke your arm and it really hurt and instead of setting it and putting a cast on it so it could heal I gave you an aspirin and said “Here this will help.” There might be a couple of moments when it hurt a tiny bit less, but all the aspirin in the world won’t heal a broken bone. I don’t know how old you are, but if you think you might start cutting, talk to an adult you trust. Talk to a parent, a relative, a school counsellor, a pastor or youth leader. They can help. I know it’s hard to talk about but that’s how to start to heal the hurt places. I always tell married people that it’s much easier to go for counselling BEFORE you have a major crisis in your relationship and the same is true for you. It is totally possible to get help after you start cutting, but it’s much easier to get help before, when it’s only something you’re thinking about and not something that has gotten out of control. (And things can get out of control very quickly.)
When it comes to your friend, I would suggest the same thing – go talk to an adult you trust. You friend has given you a very heavy secret to carry and if you know a lot of people who cut that makes it all the harder. A trusted adult can help you find ways to help your friend so you don’t have to do it all alone. If you don’t have an adult you can talk to, we do have online mentors who can help. You can use this form to contact a mentor and you’ll get an email back, usually within a couple of days.
Hi, my name is Leah and i have a friend that cuts. She is more like a sister to me though. She is very happy and very funny. She – as i said before – cuts. I felt terrible when she told me because i know quite a lot of people that cut and just wouldn’t think that she would be someone to do that. She has some family problems though. but, i’m not sure if that’s the reason. She lives with her grandparents but, talks to her parents and her brother daily. When she told me i asked her why and she just shook her head. She has only told about 4 people, ( those four people also cut ) So shes not looking for attention at all. Also, on top of this, i have been thinking a lot about cutting myself. I’m afraid to though because i feel like i get addicted easily and i dont want people to ask about my cuts. I have been bouncing back and forth on if i should do it and not. I just really dont know what to do. I feel terrible about my friend because i care for her dearly. I feel like she has been cutting a lot lately. I just want to make her feel better any way i can and i’m not sure how to do that without hurting her anymore. Please answer whenever you can. Thanks for reading.
Oh Barb, I am so sorry that you have had to face all of the betrayal with your husband and now to see your daughter suffering from it must just add so much more pain to it all.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things with your daughter: professional help, setting up proper boundaries to keep her safe, etc. It is my opinion that beyond the emotional and physical aspects of cutting, there is a real spiritual component as well. Let me share with you the story of a young lady who like your daughter found herself trapped into a habit of cutting. You can hear her story at http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/something-to-live-for. It is a moving story that gives hope to others who are trapped in this destructive pattern. Your daughter may find something helpful from Victoria’s story as well. Let me know what you think OK?
Jamie,
She was abused verbally, physically and sexually by my exhusband. That stopped a little more than 5 years ago when we stopped living with him, but she is haunted by his words and actions. She is in counseling and has been since I found out about what was going on behind my back. She did 2 weeks of inpatient treatment which helped a little. She’s on meds too for the underlying depression. I get the sense that her scars are making physical the hurt she’s had that left nothing tangible.
She’s also very dramatic by nature so it is hard to separate her desire for pity and drama from the real pain. She’s also very manipulative and so she keeps finding new tools to cut with when I remove the ones I’ve figured out she is using.
She’s only cut deeply a few times and actually I think she scared herself once because she passed out several times from it. It is mostly like deep scratches at the moment and she does restrict it to one arm generally. So I am thankful for some progress, but I hoped maybe someone here could help me be more helpful. I don’t want to turn her life into the gulag and restrict everything, but each privilege she seems to turn into another manipulation or lie. I guess what really scares me is that the lying is what her dad did and I know how it has destroyed him inside and his relationships. I want better for her and I see cutting as a route to what is going on. She is super intelligent and creative so lack of busyness and boredom are very dangerous for her.
She says she is addicted to the pain now. I logically get addiction and that makes some sense. But how do I get her to even start to control it. She’s a super control freak except when it comes to cutting. That she lets control her.
Ideas? My heart is breaking but I’m just not sure what to do. And being a mom, I feel like I have to do something.
Barb, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. It must be very scary to see your daughter hurt herself like this. As Dena wrote in her article, cutting is a symptom of something else going on. Have you and your daughter been able to identify why she cuts?
My 14 year old daughter is cutting. She tried it last summer and didn’t like it, but did it again in fall and got addicted. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks for depression and has also struggled with some eating issues. I am trying to support her in breaking this but I am really at a loss. Can those of you with experience help me? Not having faced this or anything like this, I don’t know what to do. She is seeing a counselor and on meds for depression, but what do I do as a parent to help? I don’t want to treat her like a baby or put her in isolation, but it is also hard to trust her when she sneaks cutting items from all over the house.
Hi Kryss, I’m glad you took the time to write out your comment. You need to find an adult you trust and tell them what you’ve said here. It could be a parent, or a counsellor at school, or a pastor or an Aunt or Uncle but you need to find someone safe and tell them. I know that you’re doing your very best to be a good friend and that is really honourable but you’re being asked to carry too much. You’ve tried to get your friend to see a counsellor (an excellent idea) and she has said no, so say yes for YOU. If you go to a counsellor he or she will be able to support you as you do what you can for your friend. It’s very tempting to think that you can fix her or keep her safe if you love her enough, if you’re a good enough friend, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s not your job to be her safety net and she needs more help than you can give her. When someone threatens suicide that’s really scary. Talk a trusted adult and see a counsellor so you don’t have to carry this all on your own.
If you’re not sure who to talk to, we have online mentors who have passed special screening and training to mentor teens. If you’d like to talk to one of them, you can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days. (Mentoring is free and private.)
I have just found this site after weeks of researching for useful advice or tips. I’ve never responded or written on these sites before, so I’m not entirely sure what to say, but I’m desperate for help. I hope that someone will answer this.
I recently became friends with a girl whom I have become to care dearly about like a sister. She was really bubbly and bright when we first met, and it cheered me up every time we spoke, but just about two months ago she opened up to me one night that she was a self-harmer. And she’s been cutting since she was twelve, she swears that she stopped two years ago and hasn’t felt the urge again. But she confessed that after she met me, she began to feel the need to harm again. I asked her why and she said it was because she treasured me so much and that I’m the only one to make her feel wanted. And because of that, she believes she’s a terrible friend and that I have to ‘suffer’ because of her. She constantly tells me she’s sorry that I have to ‘put up’ with her behaviour, but she says that if I leave her, she’s going to commit suicide.
It’s true that it is hard to understand why she does it, she always tells me she’s punishing herself because of our friendship, and I get confused by it. And because she keeps saying she’ll kill herself if I reject her, I’m scared. I want to be there for her, but she get’s angry often and quite violent.
I know I can’t force her to stop, or to go for help when she doesn’t want it. In the beginning I researched for tips to ease the urge and I try them with her, but she says she doesn’t want to stop it and wants it to bleed more. She says that because I make such a big deal about caring for her ‘when she doesn’t matter’ that next time she cuts she won’t tell me. I don’t even know why she told me in the first place if she doesn’t want me to do anything about it. She feels bad about knowing it upsets me, but she says she’ll never stop.
This night I tried to encourage her to go to our school counselor, and that I’ll go with her, she says she’ll think about it. She keeps repeating that she doesn’t need anyone else but me, and gets really angry when I talk to other people.
She doesn’t want me to do anything about it, and yet she talks to me on the phone or computer as she’s cutting. I’ve never experienced or even known of this situation. I’ve learnt about it from school of course, but I never imagined to be directly involved with it in my life time. I’m frightened of what will happen if nothing changes.
I suffered the similar sort of thoughts and depression years ago, I planned to self-harm if it got bad, but I never did in the end. I thought that even if things got bad, it would be pointless to do such a thing to myself. I never think about it now, as I’ve found alternatives like reading or writing. I encourage my friend to do similar things, since she always says she envies and is jealous of how calmly and efficiently I do things. I got her to start writing and she loved it, she even started to post her work online. It was good for a while, but unfortunately she started to receive negative comments on her story and became even more depressed. She thinks the worst about herself and often compares us, saying that she wishes she could do as well as me and that she’s happy I can do what I do. I talked her through it and wanted for her to try again, but she keeps saying she’ll never be better than me. She confessed nights ago that she actually hated how I write easily. She said she was happy about writing herself before because she believed she would get views and feedback than me and could boast about it, and that all the times she told me she loved what I did were lies.
I truthfully don’t write to gain attention or popularity, I do it because it’s what I love most in the world. So I didn’t know how to react as she confessed it to me. She laughed about it afterwards, saying she didn’t know anything and changed the subject. It still bothers me a bit, but I don’t want to bring it up again.
When I asked if she would like help from professionals, she told me that years ago when it was a constant habit to cut she begged her parents for help, but they refused. And now she doesn’t care for getting help. I have met her parents before, and they were friendly to me. She told me that her father used to beat and curse her and her siblings, and that’s why she’s violent now. I asked her what she had in life and she said ‘I only have you and God’. Before we met, she skipped school a fair bit, but began to stick around when we became friends. I was happy that she was finally meeting attendance records, but the more she came to class, she ended up harassing teacher and students and making arguments over small things.
She told me one night that she sleeps with my friend’s boyfriend, and that she ‘hooks up’ with a number of people on a regular basis because she feels like it. I didn’t believe her at first because we are still in school and underaged. Most of her previous partners have all been older than her. Everyone seems to be aware of this at school, so many of them warned me to not get close to her. I rarely listen to rumors of that kind so I knew nothing of her before we officially met. I am confident that I will not follow her behaviour. The people I was close with before are beginning to leave me because they’re frightened of ‘that girl’ that I am spending more and more time with.
Despite this all, I do not believe that leaving her is the right thing. I’m finding lately that she’s cutting more again, even though she ‘promised’ me she wouldn’t anymore, and she constantly tells me what she’s doing to herself. I used to think it was because she wanted my attention or help, but as I said, she keeps saying she doesn’t want me to do anything and that she wants to suffer for me. I don’t want to give up on her, but it’s becoming more and more difficult and frightening for me. She told me all her own friends know she self-harms and they don’t care, they even make fun of her.
My older brother knows about this, and he tells me he hates that I’m associated with someone like her. And he’s worried something bad will happen to me. He told me to leave her to sort out her own problems and go back to my friends before.
She smokes, drinks, hooks up and harms herself altogether regularly, and it confuses people as to how we even became friends. But it just happened and I can’t seem to let her be by herself like this, and she clings onto me. I am truthfully becoming increasingly scared of her because she snaps at me frequently. She keeps saying she’ll beat up anyone that picks on me, and at times she’ll say she wants to hit me because she’s so mad. It’s never happened, but I feel like it will one day. I know she’s not bluffing because I’ve seen her bash people and be part of severe fights at school. I’m afraid that if I leave her she’ll really get worse and perhaps commit suicide like she said, and if I stay, she’ll get worse and I’ll be involved in some way too. I sound selfish, and it feels horrible, but I’m just so confused and scared.
I realise that I’ve just written an entire rant, and it could possibly be seen by no one, I’m out of ideas and options. I’ve been constantly repeating myself and saying I’m scared, but it’s just all coming out of me now. I’m getting to the point of which I can’t tell whether I still love her, or that I’m just staying with her because I fear the consequences of leaving.
Please help me.
From the things you have read Kathryn do you think that God could have a healing impact on your daughters thinking? What are your experiences with God?
I just found out my 16 year old cuts. My husband and I told here we are here for her and will be supporting her in this long road ahead. She knows we are not mad at her.We have calls into therapists. waiting on calls back. She says she gets depressed and does not like the way she looks sometimes. She is afraid to lose friends if they find out. We told her no one needs to know unless she wants them to. we have 2 other children who are older then her and told her she will be the one to tell them if and when she feels the time is right. I told her I will be checking out her body for new cuts and her room for things she can cut with. She told us she will come to us when she feels the need to cut so she can talk to us. I know cutting is an addiction so, she will be lying to us from time to time. It’s going to be a long tough road but we will always be here for her. I know she knows this but as a teenager with an addiction she will have a tough time ahead and will have big bumps in the road. I have been reading up on all I can and telling my husband what I have been finding out so we are on the same page. I know he is confused in all of this to and maybe in some denial.
Hi Natasha, it is a good thing for you to be looking for help with this. One of the worst parts of cutting is the secrecy. But your posting here is a good step toward breaking that secrecy down and finding help. What happened that helped you stop cutting three years ago? What kinds of things are you getting anxious about now?
I am 33 I haven’t cut myself in almost 3 years. I’m feeling the urge to again. I cut a small place on my leg two days ago. I suffer from depression, anxiety, bi polar, I’ve been trying to get it under control since my daughter was born, she’s now 2. My life has improved 1000% since she was born but I’m starting to get very anxious all the time. I’m suppose to see a therapist in a month but I don’t want to tell them for fear of them taking my daughter away. I don’t know what to do. Cutting makes me feel better even though I know it’s wrong. Sometimes the urge takes over. Please someone what should I do
Hi Sarah, I had to take your comment off the site because we’re not allowed to post comments from underage users. It’s not that you said anything that you shouldn’t, it’s a rule that is there for your protection. It sounds like you’ve experienced some pretty awful bullying. You said that you talked to someone and it didn’t help, do you think you could try talking to someone again? Are you able to talk to your Mom or a counsellor or pastor or a trusted relative? – Editor
I used to cut when I was a teen and the Lord helped me with this self-harming method I was using. I cut myself because of sexual abuse and was hurt inside and was in deep emotional turmoil. The majority of cutters have been sexually abused or suffered some form of abuse. I still hold the ladder mark of scars today from cutting. Some deeper than others on both my left and right lower arms.
Many indivduals do need to speak to a counsellor to deal with the problem and the underlying cause of cutting. I’m just thankful to God that he gave me the mercy and grace to stop cutting and to deal with my pain in a more positive manner instead of hurting myself.
Remember, cutting is not that the sufferer is looking our trying to get attention. The individual is sick emotionally and psychologically and needs help. Dusting it under the carpet is dangerous. Many cutters, maybe not all, but many attempt suicide, as was in my case. Intervening and helping your loved one is the best and most responsible thing you can do for them.
Hope – There’s a devotional here that you should read if you have a minute. It talks about God calling us into freedom and it has spoken to a lot of our readers this week. It came to mind as I was thinking of you.
Hope, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to Keely. I can only imagine how awful that must have been and how much pain you must be in. I think it was very brave of you to post here. You said that you are terrible at asking for help, but I don’t agree with that. I think you’ve asked for help here and that’s an amazing thing to do. You were able to stop cutting once before and I believe that with the right help and resources you could do it again. You said that your pastor helped you last time, would you be able to pick up the phone and call him and tell him that you need his help again? Would it be easier to wait til the next time you see him and move your bracelet so he sees your wrist? Is there someone else that could tell him for you? If it’s easier, you could tell me where to find him and I could tell him for you.
I read a definition of suicide once that I think would apply to cutting as well. It says that “Suicide is what happens when our pain exceeds our resources for coping with pain.” I think that that is what has caused your cutting – you are in so much pain that this feels like the only way to handle it. So there are two things that you need 1. You need help to work through the grief of losing your daughter so that the pain is no so overwhelming. (This doesn’t mean that you’d forget, or that you’d love her any less, but there are ways to deal with the grief so that you can function and live.) 2. You need other resources for dealing with your pain. You already know that cutting is not the answer, but right now it’s the one thing that you can reach that helps. We need to get you more help so that you have other options.
Do you have family close by? Is your daughter’s father part of your life? Is there someone close to you that you can talk to about this? There is hope for you. You’ve spoken up once to comment here, speak up one more time. You are worth it. You’re worth the effort.
Let me pray for you right now:
Dear God,
Today I’m here to pray for Hope. She is in so much pain. I know that you have seen her tears – it says in the Bible that you count our tears – you know how much pain she is in. I pray that you would comfort her. Bring her someone to help her. She doesn’t want to cut but the pain is just so big. I pray that you would give her an extra measure of courage to call her pastor or a trusted friend and tell them that she is cutting again. If it be your will I pray that her pastor would call Hope up and check in with her, see how she’s doing and that Hope would be able to say the words and tell what is happening.
It’s scary to be in a place where you need help, but I pray that Hope would remember that we were never meant to live this life alone. We’re built for community. I pray that Hope would find the community she needs to be able to do the hard work of recovering. If there is any guilt around her cutting Father I pray that you would take it away. I ask that you would help her to work through her anger and grief over Keely’s death. I barely even know how to pray for that, it’s such an awful thing that she has experienced. I don’t know if Hope knows you Father, but if she does give her peace to know that she will see Keely again one day and that her daughter is safe with you. I thank you for the daughter who lived and for the incredible joy she must be to Hope. How hard it is to hold joy and sorrow in your hands at the same time.
You said in your word that you came to make all things new. I pray that you would make things new for Hope. Let today be the first day of her new beginning. Show her how to honour her daughter’s memory and how to walk this difficult road. Remind Hope that you promise that you are always with her. May she feel your comfort today. Thank you for giving her the courage to comment here when it would have been so easy to stay silent. I truly believe that she wants to get better. I pray that you would provide the resources she needs to take a step towards recovery today. Hold her in the palm of your hand Father, safe from world.
In your name I pray, Amen.
You’ve already taken the first step which is often the hardest. Take one more and call your pastor (or give me the number and I’ll do it). You can do this. I know you can.
When I was a teenager I began cutting but stopped once I was away from a stressful home situation. Then I moved home two summers ago to help with my grandpa who was dying of cancer and the cutting began again. Then my pastor spotted my wrist one day and helped me quit. Last June I gave birth to twin girls but my daughter Keely was stillborn. The anger and sadness her death has and does cause has been so much to bear. I cry at night and have been cutting in order to be able to calm done enough to sleep. I’m terrible at asking for help but I pray sometimes that my pastor will notice my cuff bracelet I crocheted to wear and ask to see my wrist.
Elaine, I agree with Candice, the main problem with cutting is that it is self harming. It is not a healthy way to deal with things and it’s not something that can be sustained without doing considerable damage to your body. Cutting is a coping strategy. It helps you focus because it gives you a physical way to deal with the thoughts, feelings, circumstances or stress that feel out of control, but it doesn’t do anything to actually SOLVE those issues, it just distracts you. It’s similar to people who suffer from an addiction. Often when someone is trying to break an addiction to say, drugs, they’ll start drinking, or start gambling compulsively and they tell themselves, “well it’s better for me than the drugs”. But the problem is that the root cause of why they need to escape into something has not been dealt with. Until you get to the root of the problem it’s not going to go away.
My question for you would be this: why do you find it hard to focus without cutting? Is there stress in your family? Is someone sick? Are there financial issues? Is someone bullying you? Did something happen to you? Cutting is never going to be answer, it just puts off asking the questions for a little while. I don’t know how old you are, but is there someone you can talk to? A parent, a teacher, a pastor, a trusted aunt, a friend, a counsellor? There is almost always a very specific reason why a person cuts. You reason might feel completely overwhelming – it might BE completely overwhelming – but I promise that it can get better if you stop trying to carry it all on your own.
I know that sometimes if something really bad happened to someone else it can be tempting to think that you have to deal with your own stuff alone because it’s not as bad as what the other person is dealing with. But that’s not true. Your feelings and thoughts and experiences and fears and stresses are just as valid. Even if someone died, even if someone has cancer or something really scary. You don’t have to harm yourself to protect them from the stress of knowing that you need help. Your need is important too.
Candice mentioned the mentors on this site and that is an excellent place to start. Talking to a mentor through email can be a really great first step to getting the right help so you can focus without cutting. You only get one body. Take good care of it.
Hi Elaine,
Cutting is not necessarily frowned upon but seen as a very dangerous position to be in because a person is bringing harm against themselves. Cutting is generally a form of self-hatred, anger, or aggression that is taken out upon oneself and not dealt with properly. Unfortunately, cutting often is accompanied by severe depression and can sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I would encourage you to seek some professional help to focus in a different way that doesn’t bring harm to your body. If you would like to talk to someone privately about cutting, we offer a free mentoring program on this site.
I’m wondering, i mean i know cutting is generally frowned upon by most people today but exactly what is so wrong with it? I mean i know for me personally it helps me focus.
Hi Sarah,
First and foremost, if you are considering suicide, have thought about suicide and or feel that you might be a danger to yourself, call a suicide helpline RIGHT NOW. Today. If you are in the US call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). In Canada there are hotlines for each province, find yours here. If you are anywhere else in the world you can find a hotline here. It can be tempting to think that it’s not bad enough to need to call, or that you’re not in a crisis right this minute, but if you’ve had suicidal thoughts at all this week, call the hotline. They can help. They are trained to help.
Usually on our site I’m quick to refer people to mentoring, however we are not legally allowed to offer mentoring to minors. We do have a special set of teen mentors who have all been through the criminal record check required by law to work with youth. You can contact a teen mentor by sending in a request here. Make sure you set the age range to 13-17.
You are dealing with a serious, but sadly not uncommon, experience. It was very brave of you to ask for help. Be brave again. Is there an adult in your life that you can talk to? A parent? An Aunt? The counsellor at your school, a pastor or priest? You don’t have to do try and deal with this alone. Cutting is a coping mechanism, but it’s a flawed one. It only feels good for a very, very short period of time and it doesn’t do anything to make the pain get any better. But you already know that. There are better ways, healthier ways to express your anger. Also, at some point you’re going to need to deal with the cause of the anger. I know what it feels like to be picked on at school. That was my experience too and like you I got to a place where I thought that the only answer was to kill myself. You can read my story here.
It can get better. For me it did get better, but not until I gave up my silence and finally told someone. I know how hard it is, but find a person you trust and let them help you. Cutting is not the answer. Chances are the person you tell is not going to think that you are crazy. But even if they did, worst case scenario, having someone think that you are unstable is still so much better than being dead. I think it’s much more likely that the person you tell will think that you are very brave and will be willing to help. It wasn’t until YEARS later that I told my own Mom what had been going on. She asked me why I never said anything and I told her it was because I didn’t think there was anything she could do. With tears in her eyes she listed off 5 or 6 things she would have to help. One of them involved paying to send me to private school. When I told her there’s no way we could have afforded that she said simply, “You were in danger Claire, I would have moved mountains to save you. We would have found a way. I’d do anything to keep you safe.”
You don’t get extra points for doing this on your own. I know that you are scared, but tell someone you trust. It’s the right decision.
I am 15 years old, i have been cutting since i was about 11 or 12 years old. When i cut i get this high, and it makes me feel SO better. I started cutting about the same time i started to drink and do drugs. I was an alcholic at 13 years old. i went and got help. The main reason why i cut is to get out the anger, the angryer i am the deeper i go, I cut also because i am picked on at school/home, so much that i don’t even talk about it, and that i feel like i wanna kill myself. When i get picked on i just want to hide and never come out, i also got to the bathroom at school, or home and cut myself, with whatever i find. I cut at least 3-4 times a day, and that is just a good day for me. Bad days i cut at least 6-8 times a day. I cut on my thumb or thigh, my thigh so no one sees it, and on my thumb so people really can’t see it. I feel so bad after doing it but then at the same time i feel like i am on top of the world. If i don’t cut myself after someone picks on me then i feel like i could just hide, or even die. What should i do, if i am scared to tell someone, i don’t want them to label me crazy, or something. what should i do!
Karissa,
I am so sorry to hear about the years of self harm you have been used to. I urge you to seek help, as you can stop! I want you to know that your life is worth living and no one in the history of this world nor in the future will ever have the same talents, passions, dreams, and interests as you. You are unique and special. I encourage you to visit http://www.befrienders.org/ to find someone near you who can talk to you about cutting and self harm. There are people who want to listen to you and talk with you. I will keep you in my prayers Karissa.
Oh my, dear Karissa,(such a pretty name) you are loved by the awesome God who created you. I grew up in a very disruptive household; it can be so hard. Please reach out for help. Find the care you need to treat yourself as the beloved child of God that you are. If you go to this link, one of our mentors will be in touch to encourage you, pray for you, and help you find the assistance you need. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
** I can’t stop I’m so used to it
I’m twelve and have been cutting or doing any time of self harm since i cant even remember
Hi Denya, I too am named Renee, i’m 20 and a christian and i’ve dealt with cutting/burning and suicide attempts. I grew up in a christian home but i kind of snapped when i got older cause of all of the things my family and myself were going through, lots of deaths, lots of fights, lots of rejection because i tried to share my faith with all my classmates and my siblings always made fun of me. It just got incredibly overwhelming. I finally stopped self injury. It’s been about 8 months, i stopped completely on my own, i have alot of scars, they cover both my arms and everyday i’m asking God to make me stronger, although the scars stay on the outside they will dissapear in the inside and i’ll become stronger over time, thats what i’m believing. I want to be a christian contemporary singer , i’ve been recording, i stopped smoking marijuana because i want my voice to stay strong and i’m trying to get on the right path. Things are getting better because when you reach out to Christ and hold onto Him, he will steady you as you walk. i believe this. I can’t wait to see your daughter’s new movie. God bless you guys and thank you for your encouraging words, they reach the hearts of millions.
Amber, I’m sorry about that other comment that was on here, unfortunately we can’t control what other people say but I removed it as soon as I saw it. If you’d like to talk privately with one of our mentors you can use this form to ask for a mentor and a mentor will email you back (that way you can be sure you won’t get another stupid comment like that last one.) You’re probably going to need some in person support as well. Are you able to talk to your parents? Or a counsellor at school? You mentioned going to the hospital before, if you phoned the hospital they probably have resources, counsellors and programs that you could look in to. If you’re comfortable with your doctor he or she would also have resources that could help. There’s also a really great radio show Dawson McAllistor Live that takes calls from teens and young people with questions. You can contact the Hopeline here. It’s really good that you want to stop, that’s a HUGE first step. The next step is getting some extra support as you work through this. I know it’s not easy but you don’t have to try to do this alone. There is lots of help available. If you have any trouble getting connected with someone who can help, let me know.
Amber, if you would like to speak with one of our online mentors, please visit this page:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
This is free, confidential, and you will be matched with a mentor who will hopefully be able to help you.
Andy, I have removed your comment since it was insensitive to those who struggle with this difficult and harmful form of self-injury.
Um I came here for positive encouragement……I don’t define cutting as being hott it unsafe and I need help
I am nineteen tts old and I can’t stop cutting I have been in the hospitpl serveral times and I can’t seem to stop and I want too so bad. I also swollow things to hurt myself what do I do at this point
Hi Carol,
Thank you for your comment, it is very brave of you to admit that you can’t stop. I can’t understand what you are going through but I recommend that you seek professional help. I know that talking to someone will help. In the meantime, I recommend that you talk to one of our Mentors. Please let me know if you would like a mentor and I will connect you. Just leave another comment to let me know.
i mean I dont know what to to do to stop
I am 47 and cutting and i feel alone and I dont know what to di
I wanted to thank you and your daughter Renee for speaking out about this problem!!! I have been dealing with self injury for 3 years and she gives me hope that I can do it with gods help!!!