Boundaries in Marriage

Written by Serena Wang

The latest statistics reported by the Ministry of Civil Administration indicates that there is an average of 4,000 divorce cases a day in China. For the past two years, divorce has increased 20 percent annually. In the United States, divorce rate is more than 50 percent. There are no statistics showing the rate of divorce among Chinese living in North America but the estimated rate is about 30-40 percent. The author has counseled many families who were either in the divorce proceedings or were single-family divorcees and experienced first-hand pain and suffering brought about by divorce. The most notable is the trauma on both parents and children as a result of fight and argument in the family.

First and foremost, the foundation of marriage is love.  Marriage is the merge of care, needs, partnership, and values between the husband and the wife. Such a union will overcome suffering, immature being, and selfishness. Love is the core of marriage and also the center of marriage set up by God. However, love is not enough. Marriage needs other elements to make it grow stronger. Liberty and responsibility are such elements of importance

. When the husband and wife can express their ideas freely, they will love each other with freedom. When they don’t feel free, they live in fear and lack of security. As a result, love deteriorates.

The U.S. marriage counseling specialist, Dr. John Townsend, wrote a very insightful book titled “Boundaries in Marriage”, which reminds couples of learning to set boundaries in marriage because of love. What the book means by “Boundaries in Marriage” is for couples to strive for self-control so that they may love each other more. “Boundaries in Marriage” is not meant to control others but rather to be responsible so that couples know how to protect themselves and have the abilities to love others. “Boundaries in Marriage” is meant to provide a balanced ideal environment of freedom and responsibility and reinforce love for each other by cultivating a psychological boundary of security. Dr. Townsend also reminds couples of avoiding misusing boundaries in marriage. Marriage is variable. No matter how hard one tries, it is not an easy task. Hence, since suffering is inevitable, why not choose the rational way so that it may benefit both parties?

A number of principles proposed by Dr. Townsend include:

1. Pay no price for your spouse’s action:

We must take responsibility for our own actions. Making your spouse responsible for his own actions helps him grow mature. Do not pay his credit card bills that are over limit.  Do not try to cheer him up when he is having a bad temper. Do not call in sick on his behalf after he had a party overnight. Doing so will make him less willing to grow. We ought to be responsible for our spouse rather than take responsibility for our spouse. The Bible teaches so in Galatians 6:2 and 6:5, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 5for each one should carry his own load.” Couples ought to carry each other in their family life, however they should not take responsibility for the other party’s feeling as feeling is personal and he needs to learn how to deal with it.

2. Do not try to change your spouse

We don’t have the capability to change our spouse and mold him into someone we expect him to be.  We don’t even have the ability to transform him into someone we want. Since we cannot change our spouse, what else can we do? We ought to admit our fault and repent from the damage we have committed in our marriage. We ought to change ourselves so that we have a sustainable marriage. Rarely does one party alone cause marital problems while the other party bears no responsibility. Most likely, both parties shoulder responsibility.

3. Learn to change yourself

Nonetheless, we are capable of self-examining and transforming ourselves in our marriage. If we want the other party to respect our boundary, we ought to respect his boundary. We commit mistakes by making too many assumptions. It is not right to presume that he will obey me if he loves me.  Oftentimes we are turned off and feel we are not loved when our husband refuses to take a walk with us simply because he wants rest at that moment. A lot of people have such a quandary. On one hand, one desires to preserve his own freedom. On the other, one doesn’t want others to squeeze his free space.

4. Couples actively set boundaries

Speak the truth with love, set the goal and solve the problems so that both the husband and wife grow. Don’t ever look forward towards others to take the first step but rather take the initiatives on your own. The goal of setting the boundaries in marriage is to seek for making the relationship work better. Divorce can never become the first boundary. The first boundary ought to be set with the marriage intact. Only by submitting to God and being certain that it is his fault are you able to speak up. Unless the other party ceases to damage the relationship, you need to reserve your right in marriage. This is positive boundary.

Longing is not suffering from one’s own actions in marriage but rather a desire to save the shattered relationship. In many cases, when she sets the correct boundary, he usually relents after witnessing the change in her. Thus, an almost certain divorce is evaded. Not to mention that we have God who always helps us. God will provide the wisdom and patience to help us learn to get along with our husband. When we pray to Him in earnestness, He always listens.

Yes, you can enjoy a happy relationship

Joy and satisfaction don’t come from hard work or good deeds.  You can have all the power and money in world but still feeling sad and empty.  True love and security come from building a good relationship with God.  He not only loved me unconditionally, but also made me a stronger person from within.  What about yourself?  Do you need a boost of self-esteem?  Are you searching for that true love?  Well, look no further.  Because by having a sound relationship with Jesus Christ, you’ll experience the love you’ve craved for all your life.

I know with my whole being that God loves me more than anyone else ever could– that He will never take His love away from me or disappoint me, that He will never die on me or go away. Jesus already died for me so that we could be reunited. He rose from the dead, He’s alive and His love for me is greater than anything I can imagine! I didn’t know I could love anyone so much!

Are you searching for your soul mate – for perfect love? Do you wonder if you will ever find fulfillment? You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.

If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.