Comments on: Do You Trust Him?

By: Claire Colvin

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 17:41:54 +0000

Z, Jamie has given you excellent advice already, but I just wanted to add that I think you might be asking the wrong question. You ask, “How can you trust a man you has betrayed you twice already?” I think the more important question is “Why are you so eager to trust a man who has betrayed you twice already?” Why are you trying to trust a man who has told you, outright, that he is not committed to you, that if someone else comes along he’ll take it? You deserve so much more than this. He has been very honest with you, have you been honest with yourself? I know how terrifying it is to contemplate the end of a relationship, or to realize that what you have isn’t what you thought it was. But I am concerned that if you continue to pursue this man you are going to break your own heart.

You deserve to be with someone who chooses YOU, who wants to be with YOU, who isn’t looking for someone better or is unable to be faithful to you. I do not doubt that you love him, but a relationship takes two people in love with each other. You can’t love enough for both of you. Not for the long run. You’ve already seen how hard it is to build a relationship in this kind of environment, that’s because it’s a toxic environment.

I do not know what your history with this man is, but I can predict your future with him. What is it that you really want Z? I know that he says that he loves you, and those are very pretty words to hear, but he does not act like a man in love. How much are you willing to give up, to give away? I do not know your situation – are you dating? are you married? have you been together a long time? If two people are willing to work on a relationship then almost anything is possible. But if he is telling you that he is not committed, when he has already betrayed you twice, I’m not sure where things go from there.

By: Jamie

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 22:49:44 +0000

Hi Z, you ask a really good question. In my experience very few people a completely trustworthy. Everybody is going to let us down and hurt us at some point (which also means we are going to let everybody down as well). There is only one truly trustworthy relationship: our relationship with God. He will never let us down! In my life, having the confidence that God will never let me down has helped me be more trusting of other people. God has promised that, “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose… What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:28,31) Because I have the confidence that no matter what happens to me God is at work for my benefit then I can face someone else letting me down. The hurt that I feel from that broken trust will be used by God for my good, somehow.

So instead of trying to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not, I put my focus and energy into knowing what God wants me to do. I talk to God all the time and He helps direct me so that I am going in the direction that He wants, trusting the people that He wants me to. There is such freedom to know that my life is in His hands and that His perfect plan is being worked out for me. It just happened today that I was talking with someone and in the middle of the conversation God let me know very clearly that what I was saying was not what this person needed to hear. I was able to back-track and change the tone of the conversation entirely (it helped that the conversation was all text so I just had to delete what I was saying before she had to hear it). God does that in my life all the time and I just need to be listening to His direction so that I can do the things that He wants me to.

Z I don’t know what your experience with God has been like, but I would invite you to explore how He can help you live a life that is built on a trust in Him which then frees you to extend trust in other relationships with confidence because no matter what happens, He has got your back.

Would you like to know more about how a relationship with God can make a difference in your life? Have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose or talk to one of our online mentors at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor

Lord God I pray for Z as she tries to figure out how best to deal with this man who has proven to be untrustworthy. I ask that You would direct her clearly so that she has the confidence of knowing Your plan. Guard her heart from the pain of broken trust and heal the pain that she has already had to endure. I also pray for this man that You would show Yourself to him and help transform his life so that he will become a man worthy of trust and who becomes a life that heals others rather than hurts. I am so grateful that You are completely trustworthy and have promised to guard and care for each one of us. It has made such a difference in my life. Amen.

By: Cherish

Cherish — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 14:49:55 +0000

I came to you for help in 2011. I did not listen to a word you said and in retrospect I have lived to regret that many times over. While my husband has come back to me, had I listened to your advice and read those testimony of yours posted by people you have helped before with an open mind and heart he would have been home two years ago. Dr. Lee I am so glad that I found you and I apologize for not listening to your words of wisdom much sooner, I am just glad that I am finally able to post my happy ending on your site. You are an awesome man and will be forever in my heart and prayers. Any body that is reading this testimony and also needs help should contact this kind and man via: [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]

By: Z

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 10:29:03 +0000

Hi. It is all good what you say about trust. But how to trust the man who betrayed you twice already? Who says that I cannot trust him because he cannot trust himself?? Who says that he loves me so much, but cannot promise that if he has a chance to be with another woman, he wouldn’t use it? How to build a relationship in this situation??

By: Jamie

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:24:32 +0000

Patricia, your confusion is natural. When you have been betrayed by someone it is natural to lose trust in them and resist being hurt by them again. But love is such a resilient aspect of humanity and it does not die quickly. For me, times of uncertainty have been times when my relationship with God becomes so important. God has been true to His promise that as I put my trust in Him, He will direct the path of my life (Proverbs 3:5-6). I know that He will also direct your decisions about your husband if you put your trust in Him and look to Him for guidance. A good step in that direction is to talk with one of our mentors who can help you figure out how to look to God for guidance. Go to http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and fill out the Mentor Request Form there. You will never regret it!

By: Trisha

Trisha — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:48:42 +0000

@Paticia…LOL…i got mine back too and feel the same way! After i ended it back in March of this year, he left my house and proceeded to “show me a thing or two”…he got kicked out of his place for not paying rent, had to give away all this stuff and eventually took off to CA. He had the nerve to call me as he was bording the train to tell me where he was going and how he still loves me! Geez…what is wrong with these guys?! Even though i knew it was all part of God’s plan, i still cried about it yet got on with my life. 13 days later he emails me and tells me how much he misses and loves me and that i should start thinking about moving to CA. Can you belive this Patricia? Fortunately, i have been in touch with a childhood friend of his for about a year. Found out some really interesting things about his youth. Turns out he’s been quite the ladies man all his life. The gambling is what brings him down. i was glad to get rid of him and i say it like this b/c i didn’t feel like i was “losing” anything. i got my peace and emotional balance back with him gone. i told him off in an email as well as over the phone and i really thought that was it…nope…5 months later, he back! Calling me every day, trying to make all kinds of plans with me as if nothing ever happened. To sum this up,b/c i could go on and on…i have some kind of love for him but the majority of what i’m feeling is Pity. If you know anything about Pity it has it’s roots are in comtempt. Today’s my birthday and he insisted to take me out for breakfast…am i going? YUP…the jerk OWES me Big Time and i’m cashing in! He’s gonna have to work really hard to get me back. Is this “date” another beginning? Not sure only God knows what He’s doing with 8 years of this. Did you know it took 11 yrs of on again off again, for the Prince and Princess to finally get it together and it led to marriage? i keep my options open and am no longer “flypaper” he has to stick to. i’m choosing my freedom and to be open for the perfect man for me to enter my life. i hope the same for you. Happy New Year.

By: patricia

patricia — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 10:48:54 +0000

but the thing is i dont trust my ex but i still love him ive got him back but i dont know what 2 do wit him he is so confusing coz he broke me heart

By: Andrew

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 06:13:59 +0000

Bre,

I understand your confusion as it must be very discouraging to give yourself fully to someone who does respect you. Often when we are in a relationship we are unable to see what others see as a number of statements that you wrote really causes me to question your logic. I think if you would be honest with yourself and read 1 Cor. 13 the chapter on love in the Bible you would discover that your man does not love you and has absolutely no respect for you as someone who God created to be cherished not abused.

God speaks about your confusion in 1. Cor. 13: 12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me completely.

I understand that you honestly believe that you are loved by this man who humiliates you and is extremely abusive towards you. The most important aspect in a relationship is a couples relationship with Christ and I am not sure if you are married to this abusive man as if you are the Bible does not accept habitual cheating! Yes people fail as King David did but King David paid dearly for his sin. You don’t need to be used as a doormat who can be done to whatever the flavor of the day he decides to do. One of the suggestions I would make is to contact one of the mentors at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor as you are being abused as your man does not love you as actions indicate otherwise. The most important aspect is to seek Christ and ask him to show you what you need to do as he will show you.

By: Bre

Bre — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 04:15:28 +0000

well i love my man unconditionaly,thats first and for most but….i have NO trust in him at all.I have been with him for 3 yrs and alot of it have been lies on his part i know when he cheats i know when he isnt telling the truth i have delt with so much hurt from him from finding condoms in his car to finding a hotel key to numbers in his phone getting a sexualy transmited disease 2 times from him…from me finding out from a female from his past that he was sharing all of our busines with her i can just go on and thats not counting the disrespectful physical things that he has done to me i dont understand why this is going on im so confused becouse i know that he loves me believe it or not he shows alot of love to me. I never give him a reason to think that i have ever cheated. all i have done is be very honest to him in a way i blame my self because at first i was involed with a man and when i started talking to the man im with now i completely tried to cut the other guy off but i think because i was involed with that other guy while i was talking to him that he thinks that i will do the same thing but i have no intention of ever hurting him or leaving him all i have done is EVERYTHING he has ever asked of me i don’t know if i make up excuses for him when he does wrong but i think that i just have alot of faith in him and know that he can be the perfect man that i want him to be im so confused…

By: Lysa

Lysa — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 07:10:19 +0000

Hello,
Well I me and my husband of 5 years had just split up. I was sexually assulted and that had givin him the right to start dating other woman. To my suprise, he is going to go to this former girlfriend for New Years. I had trusted him so much that It actually kicked me in the butt. I kicked him out the house last night because he sent a picture of this woman and her child to mu phone thinking it was sent to his mother. I act like nothing happened than when it was time for bed, he told me he loved me and my daughter so much. Than I just said her name, at that moment he blew up and said ok, thats where I’m going for New Years. And he is also going to file for Divorce. I was shocked but just let him say what he wanted. Now I’m stuck on what to do. He is still txting me saying I will always love you and care for you, I’m just deleting them and ignoring him. He also had his facebook account open, all of a sudden that woman started senting him messages, so I went and checked them out, to my suprise he was chatting with her the same moment he sent the photo to my phone. He says he loves her, he can’t wait to see her and that she is the only woman in his life, and she knows he is married. His mother and family don’t care what is going on just as long as he is happy. I;m fed up and just know I need to move on. I’m so humilated of what a fool he has made me to be.