Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!

cantforgetgirlfriendI’ve been married for three years but I just can’t forget my first girlfriend, who is also married with kids. I am going to become a father, but I can’t forget the moments we spent together a long time ago. I always compare my wife with her and find much dissatisfaction in my heart. Frankly speaking, I still love my first girlfriend very much. Sometimes even during sexual intercourse with my wife I think of her! We are Christians and this fact makes me feel even guiltier about this! I want to break through this struggle. Please help.

Advice: It is not unusual to clearly remember a first love relationship years later. I am sure many people struggle with past memories as they begin a new marriage. This is only human.
However, to continue in those memories and to fantasize about that old relationship is not healthy or honoring to you or your wife. It is also not honoring to the old girlfriend. The reason you feel guilty about it is that it is wrong to share your covenant of marriage with any other person, and God is reminding you of that. You are right and wise to confess this problem. So many people try to ignore or hide this kind of struggle. Thank you for talking about it. As humans we all struggle with our thoughts and actions; you are no more unworthy of God’s love than anyone else.

The Bible is clear that God loves you and desires to bless and strengthen you. Yes, God will help you overcome this struggle. In the Old Testament, the Bible is clear about adultery. “You shall not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18). It is one of the ten commandments.

Jesus raised the standard, warning, “You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27). Jesus is not saying that God is a hard Master, or that God’s rules are unfair or impossible. He is saying that our human hearts are weak, our bodies are weaker, and we desperately need God to show us healthy boundaries for our thought lives in addition to the physical. God is good, and He wants the very best for you, for your wife and marriage, and even for the other woman.

I suggest you bring this to God just like you brought it to me. Confess it. Read the scriptures aloud with Him. Tell Him how it troubles you, makes you feel guilty, how you know it is wrong. Ask Him to help you “break through,” and to help you cleanse your thoughts of the other person so you are free to love only your wife, and think of her only. Ask Him to protect you from any thought or deed that would break the holy covenant of marriage. Ask Him to increase your devotion and commitment to your wife. The Bible promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

You must also avoid this other woman. Never call her, be alone with her, write her, or think of her. Put her away from your mind, your life, your marriage. That other woman does not belong to you. When thoughts of her come to mind, rebuke yourself declaring that she is not yours; you belong to your wife now. And pray and ask God again to protect you from thoughts of her.

You might want to attend a Bible-believing church with your wife if you haven’t already. Friends there can encourage and support you as you fight this battle.

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30 Responses to “Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!”

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thank you for your comments-I pray that if you are going through a situation like this that you will talk to God about it. In Jesus Name Amen

  • Faye says:

    This topic is very interesting to me, being that this dynamic has been my biggest struggle thus far in marriage! I feel that for everyone who finds themselves in this predicament, it’s a result of not being completely honest with ourselves at some point in time when making one of the most important decisions of our life! For me, I was impatient with the person I loved. I ended things out of fear, when I knew deep down this was the only person I’ve ever truly loved this way (wanted to get married, have his kids….I actually considered proposing to him)! But, because of my impatience & fear, he shut me out of his life completely & married someone else less than a year later! And now I must live a life apart from the only man I’ve ever truly loved on every level. Even though at times I feel I may have married the “wrong” person, I still love my husband very much & felt when I married him that he was, at the time, the right person. After being married though, I have questioned my decision many, many times because of the way he treats me. How can a person say they love you when they consistently hurt you verbally, physically, & emotionally? I have a hard time understanding where his anger comes from, but it’s there & it is fierce! Because of this, it only makes me think about my first love even more! No relationship I have can even come close to how wonderful it was to be with someone you love so much in every way in an unconditional way. We could have a whole conversation simply by looking into each other’s eyes! This kind of relationship is nothing short of a gift from God! The only other relationship that comes close is my personal relationship with God. At times when we were together even, I struggled with how much I loved this person. I felt as if possibly I was putting my relationship with him above my relationship with God. Looking back now, it would have only taken one honest moment to tell him how I felt or to tell him my inner struggle. If we could have gotten married right away without hesitation, everything would have felt right in my eyes. God would have blessed our relationship & I would have been free to love him in every I wanted to without sin. Physically losing my first love has been so very hard emotionally, but it absolutely has drawn me closer to God! So I am very thankful for that! Possibly being separated from someone you love so much is what has to happen in order to seek God more? Not sure I’ll ever know why, but that’s the best explanation I can come up with in this moment. I truly believe in marriage for life, so I will never leave my husband & I will always try my best to keep my vows. In doing so, I’m surrendering my will to God. I’m trying to love GOD with all my heart, & all my mind, & all my soul. As a result of this, I will obey ALL of his commandments & love all my neighbors as myself as well. In order to do this, I cannot continue a relationship with my first love. I have to let him go. I have to let his wife love him. And I must love my husband. And if we’re truly meant to be together, we will eventually….in God’s time. Not ours. Sometimes, true love means not “winning”, but letting someone else be happy. Sacrificing what you want for the happiness of someone else. Keeping your commitment no matter what the personal cost to yourself. Bearing your cross with Christ & keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus. I know that it’s possible to love someone who’s married to someone else in a spiritual sense without sinning. We do have to be careful in our thoughts…it says in the bible that the heart is the most deceitful of all & to not rely on our own understanding. Possibly God is using our great capacity for love to help heal one of our spouses in some way? It’s at least comforting to know that we will all be together again someday with the ones we love so dearly after this life on earth! And truly, we’re always with those we love in spirit. Everyone is just a thought away! :)

  • Faye says:

    This topic is very interesting to me being that this dynamic has been my biggest struggle in marriage thus far! For everyone who finds themselves in this predicament, I feel it’s a result of not being completely honest with ourselves at some point in time when making one of the most important decisions of our lives! For me, I was impatient with the person I loved. I ended things out of fear when I knew deep down this was the only person I’ve ever truly loved in this way (wanted to get married, have his kids…first time that ever crossed my mind dating anyone). Because of my impatience & fear, he pushed me out of his life completely & married someone else less than a year later! Even though we may feel we married the “wrong” person at times, perhaps our being married to our current spouse is what it took for us to realize how blessed anyone is to actually experience a true love at all. True love is not always getting your way, or being with the person who you feel you love the most. Sometimes, true love is staying with that someone who proposed to you & you exchanged marriage vows with even when you don’t feel so romantically connected anymore? I truly believe marriage is for life….even if you’re not perfectly happy together. If you’re truly meant to be with another person, eventually you will be….in God’s time. Not ours. You can still love another person while being married to someone else in a spiritual sense without sinning. But you have to be careful in your thoughts….it says in the bible that the heart is deceitful above all things & also not to trust in our own understanding. I know that loving another person is not a sin even though I am married to someone else. Possibly, God is using our great capacity for love to help heal our spouse in some way? This ultimately comes down to surrendering our will to God. Love GOD with all your heart & all your mind & all your soul. And in doing so, you will obey ALL of his commandments….meaning loving all your neighbors as yourself. Thus, even if you truly love someone who’s married to someone else, you cannot continue a relationship with them (in thought or physical ways). You have to let them go. Let their spouse love them. And love your spouse. No marriage will ever be perfect. Nor would it be with the person you believe was your true love. Period. Bottom line is we are blessed to have a marriage partner, even though things aren’t perfect all the time….at least we’ve been blessed with a companion in life. It will never be possible to not think about someone you love, but at least we can love them enough to stay away so they don’t sin (commit adultery in mind or body). When you think about them, the best way to love them is to pray for them and their family. It’s at least comforting to know that we’ll all be together again someday with the ones we love so dearly after our lives here on earth! And truly, we’re always with those we love in spirit. Everyone is just a thought away! :)

  • Keisha says:

    Hey, Friends, it’s really sad and touching what we go though this days in our relationship. I have been in relationships affected by pains and depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but thanks to God, am now a happy woman today with the help of someone). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, so that you can forever be happy in your relationship and be happy with the person you love. You can write to my email address: [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information] , hope you’re holding up!

    Keisha

  • Cherish says:

    I stumbled upon this post as it pertains to a situation I have been researching regarding ‘first loves while married’.

    It is interesting to read your comments regarding adultery as it is written in the Bible however I do have several question and concerns. The first is this, marriage is quite interesting and in short there are no books or experts that can explain to any living person/couple the exact science to getting married and picking a mate for the rest on one’s life.

    When feelings of our first love come flooding in our inner world while married with kids, are those feelings discounted due to the ‘marriage title’? Or, is it quite possible the deep wave of feelings for one’s first love within a marriage God’s way of nudging our inner world toward a truth that should be explored?

    Guilt is not of God. Learning lessons about Love isn’t painful nor should pain measure love’s truthfulness in one’s heart. I question your spiritual interpretation about how to deal with truthful feelings about Love. Flooding emotions does not mean one has done something wrong for feeling Love’s unexpected force.

    WE are not closed vessels of God, and Love the feeling of Love can flood our inner world at any time unexpectedly, without poking.

    As we grow in God’s Love , even the most complicated and messy situations somehow Love leads us all back to subtle nudges that can have endless meanings in our lives; and sometimes those simple nudges aren’t considered bad or guilt ridden or horrible. Sometimes those nudges are simple love taps, possibly reminders about something entirely profound than just selfish indulgent whimsy of lustful thoughts. (lustful thoughts, is the biblical definition of committing an adultery; feelings of love don’t fall in this spiritual category.)

    Lastly, marriage in all of it’s glory, is in fact an institution that will run the course of growth in many forms for however long it lasts. The growth of Love is part of this fabric, if couples can’t admit, explore and discuss the changes of love within a marriage even if it means exploring the possibility of having loving feelings towards one’s first love, then the couple will be doomed; for an affair can easily masquerade as thoughts that need to be cast out and damned only to find the more energy placed on damning the thoughts only creates energy to explore the hidden.

    When does a couple consider the possibility that one has married the wrong partner? Does the answer come after the first feeling of love for another come into play or does it happen when sexual life must be endured versus enjoyed or does it take place when the two people haven’t spoken in over 3 years about anything meaningful? Or should a married couple feel that after the fights, discord and lack of harmony is the true state of affairs in loving marriage till death do us part?

    Surely there must of been God’s voice through out the journey of our lives talking with us and showing us the feelings of love that can be endured with a mate that may be in fact the love of one’s life even if it happens to be one’s first love.

    Maybe as a society, we tend to discount first loves and the feelings surrounding the experience because society continues to teach most of us those feelings will pass; but it never does pass. 10, 20, 30 years later the feelings and the experience are still present being carried with every experience hoping to be forgotten and lost by other people jobs, careers, marriage and kids.

    Yet we fail to wonder maybe there is a reason for everything, even feelings of love for another person that may not be the husband or wife. Fear is not of God either. Fearing what we feel is not of God’s plan for any of us.

  • Chris Chris says:

    anu…i understand in your culture that it isnt easy to follow the biblical method of letting christ be the one to join you to your mate. however if you receive jesus as your lord and savior, he will be able to work wondrously in your situation. focusonthefamily.com has some great insights as to what a true biblical marriage is as well. why should you live a life other than what God has designed for you when the bible shows us the way how to do just that? if you need more information on how to be led by christ in your life go to….knowingjesuspersonally.com….lord jesus i pray for anu that you would intervene in her life, bring her the joy of your salvation and point her to your cross where she can be forgiven and receive the plan you have for her existance here on earth amen!

  • kingsly says:

    If you really loved your EX you wouldn’t have committed yourself for the 2Nd one marriage is nothing but sticking your another part of your heart (Better half)If u still love your EX don’t wait

  • Chris Chris Landwerlen says:

    anu…the best way to understand how we find a mate is understanding the new testaments call for us as Gods people to receive the person he has ordained for us. first by receiving jesus christ as our lord and savior, we can begin to experience Gods plan for our lives including whom we marry. i would encourage you to place jesus as the head over your life if you havent already and look to him for the right person, timing and place for your family to start. if you want to know more about knowing jesus personally you can log on at…knowingjesuspersonally.com. blessings!

  • anu says:

    I love a boy,but he could not propose me. I don’t know either he loves me or not, & I can’t wait for long time as My parents are searching another boy for my marriage. What can I do ?

  • B. Miller B. Miller says:

    Alex, in my response below to your post, I failed to enter a link in case you would like to connect with one of our mentors to receive support and encouragement throughout this extremely difficult time. Here is that link, should you want to do so:

    http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Sincerely,

    Brenda

  • B. Miller B. Miller says:

    Hi Alex,

    Thank you for writing in with this very difficult and complex issue. It is anything but easy to know how to cope with an abusive marital relationship, and it is my opinion that it is even more complicated when the abusive partner is the female spouse. The reason I say this is not because the pain is any less when the wife is abused as opposed to the husband, but rather, it is much more difficult to find resources both for the husband who is suffering at the hands of an abusive wife, and also for the wife who is an abuser and desires to seek help to overcome her issues of rage and other issues with lack of self control. This was certainly my experience as a wife who overcame being a spousal abuser.

    Alex, I would definitely say that the status quo is not an acceptable situation, not for you, nor for your spouse. When a marriage relationship becomes abusive, it is vital that both the partner being abused, and the partner being abused, seek counseling. Therapy from a good Christian counselor can help you to rebuild and grow your sense of identity in Christ, which has been damaged by the abuse. Your wife can deal with the issues that are leading her to communicate with you in a manner that is not acceptable, while learning, perhaps for the first time, how to ask for her needs to be met without using manipulation.

    In saying this, I am fully aware that the abusive spouse may be in denial and therefore refuse to enter therapy. It is also often recommended that the counseling initially be separate, as well, until the abusive partner begins to demonstrate signs of being able to show respect toward her husband in a joint-therapy session. Should the spouse who is abusive refuse to enter counseling, that is a time when it is so very important to set strict boundaries and to stand by those boundaries. One such boundary may involve separating until the partner who is refusing to seek help does so and also demonstrates beneficial results from that therapy.

    To help with how to deal with a spouse who is abusive and manipulative, I want to give you the links to several resources, Following is a resource titled, “9 Common Tactics of Manipulators,” by Leslie Vernick:

    http://www.leslievernick.com/newsletter/041613-newsletter.html

    Next, I want to give you the link to “Moving Beyond the Manipulator’s Tactics,” also by Leslie Vernick:

    http://www.leslievernick.com/newsletter/042913-newsletter.html

    In addition, I would like to provide you with several resources from RBC Ministries. The first is a Discovery House Booklet that is a free download, and it is called, “When Words Hurt”:

    http://discoveryseries.org/discovery-series/when-words-hurt/

    Next is an article called, “Can a Wife Be the Abusive One in a Marriage?”:

    http://questions.org/attq/can-a-wife-be-the-abusive-one-in-a-marriage/

    Third, I want to include a second Discovery House Booklet by Gary Inrig titled, “The Risk of Forgiveness”:

    http://discoveryseries.org/discovery-series/the-risk-of-forgiveness/

    And lastly, because you asked about the biblical answer to the question of divorce, I want to give you the link to an article titled, “Are There Any Biblical Grounds for Divorce and Remarriage?”:

    http://questions.org/attq/are-there-any-biblical-grounds-for-divorce-and-remarriage/

    Alex, before I sign off, I want to thank you for your courage in writing in to our website, and I want to encourage you by letting you know that there is hope, even though it seems to be so dark right now. Please know I am speaking from personal experience, and also know that I will be praying for you as you seek God to make a decision for your marriage. Please feel free to click on the following link if you would like to speak to someone confidentially about your marriage, and one of our mentors will contact you privately and to come alongside you as you go through this extremely painful time in your life.

    With sincere care for you,

    Bremda

  • Alex Teo. says:

    Different people can give different Bible verses to support their arguments.
    When a wayward spouse condemned or made false allegations against her husband for almost 6 days a week over a 16 year period, some will ask the husband to stay put by quoting marriage is a covenant with God. Others will recommend a divorce or legal separation on a perpetual basis by quoting God’s new commandment: “Love yr neighbours as much as u love yourself”.
    Therefore, how can I keep God’s new commandment to love myself if i stay on in the marriage n allow my spouse to keep condemning me, depriving me of my peace, my self worth, my self esteem n my self confidence.
    So, which road or path i ought to take.??

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hello Mandy,

    You are going through a lot. Maybe you would like to connect with one of our mentors. Click here to request: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    As I reflect on the situation you’ve described, I return to this: Our human hearts are weak, our bodies are weaker, and we desperately need God to show us healthy boundaries for our thought lives in addition to the physical. BOUNDARIES are the key word here. We cannot do everything we want to do, we cannot do everything that feels good, we cannot let our selfishness ruin many lives. We have to obey God and we have to honour God’s commands in our lives. We all have a tendency to want to justify ourselves, saying “I am entitled to this” because we are sad, lonely, depressed, etc., but God never condones sin and we are not justified before Him. We have to get really honest before God and face the bare, honest truth that He tells us. It is so, so difficult to live and constantly make godly choices, but no good can come any other way.

    Blessings,
    Kate

  • Mandy says:

    I quite understand cos I am married for 16 years.
    My story
    I met my husband when I was leaving the high sch. And he made me to take an aot with him with a promise to marry him which I did out of fear and ignorant. When I got into the university I met and fell in love with my now Ex. He was every thing I wanted, caring, attentive loving and all. We were every where together and won the best and most loving couples on campus. He graduated 2 years before, bcos of the aot I took with my ex I kept dreaming that I became mad for marrying another man. My ex took me to a church in order for a reverend father to break the aot But we didn’t see him.
    I ended up marrying my first boyfriend whom I took an oat with, when my campus boyfriend heard he attempted suicide and the family flew him out of the country?
    For 16 years I try to make my marriage work and today I am a pastor but the taught of my ex still haunt me. My husband and I haven’t made love for 2 years now and I doesn’t bother me but my ex calls and we do it on the phone and I have this guilt I am fighting.
    He wants me back cos he believes I should be his wife and not suffering as I am but I can’t leave bcos of my beautiful daughters .
    I am writing this in tears and needs sincere advice, I have been sad for as long as I have been married, I cry daily and now I am hypertensive and depressed.

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    Hi to all of you. According to a book I’m now reading about marriage, physical intimacy is a spiritual encounter during which part of our soul is exchanged with our mate. This is what the Bible means when it says the two shall become one! According to a Spirit-filled couple that were engaged in marriage counselling, people who have many partners end up with a “fragmented soul”! Back to that book on marriage: “Premarital sexual intimacy does not constitute marriage, but a man and a woman are made husband & wife be a covenant taken in the presence of God and witnesses. While the covenant justifies the sexual relationship, the relationship does not justify the covenant.” Couples who are cohabiting give each other the message that there is a lack of confidence in each other, which can bear bitter fruit latter on. Yet, however complex or messed up a situation is, God has a way of healing us! When we come to Him, ask Jesus to forgive us for making wrong choices, and ask Him for a fresh start, then He will do it. We can be made new “from the inside, out”. With repentance and a sincere desire to live for God, a soul can be restored!
    So, Abhijita, I am wondering whether this boy you are in love with left part of his soul with that first love of his. I think you will be wise to wait till he can let go of those feelings. It needs to be his decision! I like what D.Beck says on November 14: If it is a “friendship” love, then it should be no threat to your future relationship. We need to pray that he will be open to the leading the Holy Spirit about God’s will for his life.

  • abhijita says:

    I am in love with a boy who cannot forget his first love. He had not tell me all these things before our relationship begins. Now he is saying that he is unable to forget her. What should I do ?

  • abhijita says:

    I am in love with a boy who cannot forget his first love. He had not tell me all these things before our relationship begins. Now he is saying that he is unable to forget him. What should I do ?

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Nevbable,
    I’m glad that you found our site and that you left your comment here on this article. First of all, I’m glad that you mentioned that you are Christian and that you want to live your life for Him. The fact that you realize that you are struggling in your relationship with Him right now. God loves you and is not unaware of the situation that you find yourself in. He has promised in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave you nor forsake you. So if you feel that He is farther away, then you are the person who has moved. I John 1:9 tells us that if we confess our sins he is righteous and just to forgive us all of our sins. Ask God to show you what it is that is standing between you and him.

    You have made a commitment to your husband and now it’s time to work on your relationship with him. It sounds like there a number of issues that the two of you need to work through and talk about.

    Let me invite you to talk with one on of our online mentors who can privately talk with you about the hurt you are feeling and help you walk through this difficult time in your life.. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you by email.

  • Nevbabie says:

    Nothing that you been through shall be Wasted.

    Pliz help me anyone!
    l am a girl age of 20 l got married not too long its been months now, firstly l just want to say AM A CHRISTIAN AND I DO BELIEVE IN GOD MY LIFE IS GOD AND ALL I AM IS GOD’S IMAGE I DO NOT WANT TO SIN AGAIN.

    I have a problem in this marriage the man that am married to his not the right for me l believe, 1) l don’t really know a lot about marriage l was living with a stepmother before l got married, my stepmother was always shouting at me pointing her fingers at me all day long Mon to Sun to the point that l told my father that l can’t take this anymore l really want to move out and he said no don’t otherwise life will be hard for you out there and then l stayed but because my stepmother kept on bulling me silently, accusing me, gossiping about me everywhere l decided to say yes to the boy who was proposing me which his my husband now, because l could not live with my stepmother things where getting worse, l didn’t have anyone close to me than my father and my ex-boyfriend to tell him about the silent situation which was going on, so to avoid all of that l said am getting married which shocked my father up now. Wooow the man am living with he treat me like something else NOT LIKE A WIFE, he lies, hide a lot of things, he doesn’t talk to me and he is undependable which l can’t clarify here coz its a lot to writhe so by that he makes me miss my EX-BOYFRIEND so much I STILL LOVE MY EX.
    When l was with my EX friends things were going very ok we had a lot in common he was living with a stepmother as well, I USED TO BE CLOSE TO GOD, USED TO FAST AND PRAYING UNCOUNTABLE TIMES but now with this husband things are going back wards which l don’t have anyone who can help me than GOD -I NEED HELP DEAR FRIENDS I LOVE GOD SO MUCH BUT THE PROBLEM AM FACING IS PULLING BACKWARDS TO THE EXTEND THAT I SLEEP WITHOUT PRAYING OR FINISHING A DAY WITHOUT PRAYING. THE MAN I AM LIVING WITH HIS JUST A PICK AND DROP BUT THE TRUTH IS I BELIEVE THINGS WILL BE OK WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE I WANT MY EX-BACK IN MY-LIFE, MY EX TELLS NOT TO WORRY ALL THE TIME ALL HE SAYS IS BBY GOD HAVE A REASON FOR THAT YOU WILL OUT OF IT SOON MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND HIS FAMILY STILL LOVES ME.

    I HAVE WRITE THIS IN TEARS PLIZ I NEED TO KNOW IS IT A SINNING STILL THINKING OF MY EX-BOYFRIEND COZ I FEEL GUILTY ALL THE TIME AND AM GOING BACKWARDS I LOVE GOD AND I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM COZ OF THIS SITUATION AM FACING.

  • Mike says:

    Hello everyone I’ve been in similar situations and I’ve grown up since then. I’ve learned how to treat others in every possible relationship.

    1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
    2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)

    I’ve also learned not to stress out or worry about past and current relationships

    29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;

    30 And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not;
    31 And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. ( 1 Corinthians 7:29-31)

    Now where I’m at during the moment I can say I have no female friends, girl friends, fiances or wives.
    Time is getting short and I believe God wants us to live in peace.

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Very interesting comment Maunalani. I think the problem is with our English language. There are different words in other languages for the kind of love that we have for others…a phileo love which is a love between friends. I think that when we have been in a relationship with someone, there is always the potential to remain good friends, that is to have a phileo or brotherly love for that person because of shared experiences and memories.

    However, that eros love, or passionate sexual love that we have for our spouse should not be confused with that phileo or brotherly love. The fact that you have to consciously refrain from thinking about a woman that you haven’t been with in 35 years tells me that there are some unresolved issues that you need to deal with. Have you built her up as a sexual object in your mind? Are you thinking about physically being involved with her instead of your wife? These are questions that only you can answer but I would strongly encourage you to do that…it will improve your relationship with your wife I guarantee it!

  • Maunalani says:

    When you fall in love with someone you never fall out of love with them. I am still in love with my first girlfriend even though we haven’t been together for 35 years, and I have been married to someone else for 30. I just live with those feelings. It’s not a practical temptation, because we now live on opposite sides of the world. But I have to consciously refrain from thinking about her, and I still have feeling of sadness we broke up.

  • Karl says:

    First off I would like to say I enjoy reading your comments and I will be praying for you all and this website as well. In any relationship it is important to avoid fornication. To avoid this a couple must either control themselves or seek a husband or wife. “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-2
    There is also fornication between some husbands and wives. “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Matthew 19:9
    When we seek to please ourselves in our relationships and don’t do things the way God intends that wrong. I believe God wants us to be fruitful in our relationships with our husband and wife not with our girlfriends or boyfriends. And to marry someone and to be given into marriage are two different things. Our lord says. “For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. Matthew 22:30.
    And God gave us man the first command.
    And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is , Hear O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. Mark 13:29-31
    So in every relationships were involved in we should put God first.

  • ........... says:

    Your girlfriend is not your wife. The difference is, Carl Thomas, that until the Act of Marriage has been performed, the two people are not united, meaning pre maritally, that she is not your wife. This is the whole point of the wedding ceremony.

  • Marie says:

    Hello all,

    I just wanted to give you the other side of the story…the way it could go. I too have spent the past dozen years longing for an old love. Now married, and with children, I still think of that person every single day of my life. I still feel a pull to that person, a deep longing as if the earth itself is telling me that it is where I need to be. A couple of years ago I reached out and contacted this person via email. I didn’t have intentions in my heart to go against my spouse, I told myself it was my opportunity to get closure on better terms. It did not go well and it caused a huge fight involving both of our spouses. Once again, things between us ended terribly. Contacting your old flame might feel exciting…and you might feel renewed with those feelings as you speak to them about your old history….but it will never work and in the end you will feel even worse. In my case, I still think about them every day…even dream about them some nights. But that person is merely associated with a time in your life that you grew greatly during. You are longing for more than that person. You are longing for innocence, the rush of a first kiss, the realization that there is someone out there that sees who you really are. Keep your thoughts to yourself…keep them between you and God. If He truly wants your paths to cross…He will make it happen on His own terms.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Carl, it sounds like you are really struggling with choices that you have made about the level of intimacy in relationships. It is always a hurtful thing when your level of intimacy progresses beyond your level of commitment. Sex is designed for the the commitment of marriage. Anything other than that becomes destructive to one degree or another.

    That being said, God is able to heal the hurt from our choices and bring us newness of life. If you are dealing with guilt/shame about sexual relationships you have had on the past bring those to God. Confess that you chose to cross the boundaries that He set for healthy sexual relationships and ask for His healing.

    Let me invite you to talk with one on of our online mentors and they can privately talk with you about the hurt you are feeling and help you find God’s forgiveness and healing. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you by email.

  • Jim says:

    but think your wife is the one who is whole heartedly yours and not your ex girlfriend. Learn to love your wife. she is the one you have and not your ex girlfriend…. think about it

  • Carl Thomas says:

    Could it be possible that your girlfriend is your wife even if your not legally married? And what if you united with your girlfriend, does that make her your wife? Can a person you united with make them your wife or husband? What if you united yourself with a prostitute and you didn’t know, is he or she your husband or wife? And if so how can you move on? Will God allow you to look for another partner? And how do you forget about this partner? What if this partner was your first girlfriend or boyfriend? What if this is the first person you united with? Can you help me come up with answers?

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    Deepika,

    One of the most difficult things in life is when we are involved in a relationship and we are not sure what we should do. The most important question that a person needs to answer is what would Christ wish for me to do? Often if we try to please family then it is us that will become miserable and we will live to regret our decision the rest of our lives. Often it is better to wait and don’t rush into a marriage. You are not married which gives you the time to wait to discover what is Christs will in your life. The true definition of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:

    1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

    4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

    8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

    11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

    13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

    If these characteristics are not demonstrated then seriously consider not getting married. I would also suggest to contact one of our mentors.

    God Bless

  • deepika says:

    I had a relationshiped with last 4 yrs. now i am engaged with another boy. but my past always tell me come back we will marriage. but i don’t want to do this.
    I don’t understand what should i do. How can i solve this problem. If I do they my family will be insult.plz help me.

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