Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!

cantforgetgirlfriendFind Love That Never Runs Out.

I’ve been married for three years but I just can’t forget my first girlfriend, who is also married with kids. I am going to become a father, but I can’t forget the moments we spent together a long time ago. I always compare my wife with her and find much dissatisfaction in my heart. Frankly speaking, I still love my first girlfriend very much. Sometimes even during sexual intercourse with my wife I think of her! We are Christians and this fact makes me feel even guiltier about this! I want to break through this struggle. Please help.

Advice: It is not unusual to clearly remember a first love relationship years later. I am sure many people struggle with past memories as they begin a new marriage. This is only human.
However, to continue in those memories and to fantasize about that old relationship is not healthy or honoring to you or your wife. It is also not honoring to the old girlfriend. The reason you feel guilty about it is that it is wrong to share your covenant of marriage with any other person, and God is reminding you of that. You are right and wise to confess this problem. So many people try to ignore or hide this kind of struggle. Thank you for talking about it. As humans we all struggle with our thoughts and actions; you are no more unworthy of God’s love than anyone else.

The Bible is clear that God loves you and desires to bless and strengthen you. Yes, God will help you overcome this struggle. In the Old Testament, the Bible is clear about adultery. “You shall not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18). It is one of the ten commandments.

Jesus raised the standard, warning, “You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27). Jesus is not saying that God is a hard Master, or that God’s rules are unfair or impossible. He is saying that our human hearts are weak, our bodies are weaker, and we desperately need God to show us healthy boundaries for our thought lives in addition to the physical. God is good, and He wants the very best for you, for your wife and marriage, and even for the other woman.

I suggest you bring this to God just like you brought it to me. Confess it. Read the scriptures aloud with Him. Tell Him how it troubles you, makes you feel guilty, how you know it is wrong. Ask Him to help you “break through,” and to help you cleanse your thoughts of the other person so you are free to love only your wife, and think of her only. Ask Him to protect you from any thought or deed that would break the holy covenant of marriage. Ask Him to increase your devotion and commitment to your wife. The Bible promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

You must also avoid this other woman. Never call her, be alone with her, write her, or think of her. Put her away from your mind, your life, your marriage. That other woman does not belong to you. When thoughts of her come to mind, rebuke yourself declaring that she is not yours; you belong to your wife now. And pray and ask God again to protect you from thoughts of her.

You might want to attend a Bible-believing church with your wife if you haven’t already. Friends there can encourage and support you as you fight this battle.

Human love is imperfect. This love is Way Better.

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78 Responses to “Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!”

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Yellow, So sorry you find yourself in this situation of hurting through your husband’s behaviour and remarks in spite of being Christians. Certainly the enemy knows where to insert the knife as I have discovered once or twice in my married life. Today is our anniversary, I am deliberately not saying how many years….. bit it’s a lot. I received this beautiful blog today and it may help you and others in a similar situation. It certainly spoke to me and I gave great thanks to God for His faithfulness. Please read it if you feel led to do so. http://russ-ramsey.com/twenty-years/ Blessings,

  • Yellow says:

    I am in a similar situation,I was with my first love from the age of 16 to 24yrs(so together for 8years)when I travelled abroad to improve my family live.He loved me so much but due to distance and circumstances,when both got married to different people.My ex boyfriend tells my friends he got married out of frustration and still loves me dearly,on the other hand my husband doesn’t seem to love me at all because he cheats on me and flirts with other women on Facebook and doesn’t seem to get it that those acts of disrespect are killing me..We are both Christians and makes it hard for divorce,I cry all the time in my quiet corner.I really feel a void in my heart that I even find it hard to pray sometimes.What can I do?Have been married for 3years.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    This is a brilliant article dealing with a very real problem in a Christian way. We need to take the advice seriously because there is a lot at stake. If we do not live God’s way and according to the teaching in the Bible, then we face consequences which will affect us for all eternity. God’s guidebook for us is meant to help us discover the right way, His way to live our lives. Today I needed to sort some stuff out in my life and I read, prayed and meditated on a short book in the Bible which spoke powerfully to me and I believe will speak to others who may get confused about the issues of life. This is the link and may God speak directly to you through it. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=colossians&version=NLT

  • mccart says:

    hi there nice one

  • Emma says:

    hi there

  • Faye says:

    CoolHandLuke: I am so sorry to hear about your struggles in marriage and happiness. Also, especially about your negative experiences in childhood. I also struggled for
    14 years trying to forget/deny feelings I had about a man I believed was the first person I ever truly loved…..whom I broke up with a couple years before getting married to someone else. So we both married other people, just as in your case. This was never my plan, as I hoped to marry my first true love…. not break up! However, for some reason…..we did. Here I am….14 years later and God has finally answered my prayers about my struggle! Please don’t ever give up hope because all things are possible with God! You are never in anything alone! I have been working on my relationship with God through not only prayers, but making sacrifices in life in order not to force my will (what I feel or want) in order to better serve God’s will for my life. For the Lord is my shepherd…..there is nothing I shall want! Also….the number one thing I didn’t realize the last 14 yrs is that I was constantly looking back to my first love. This is where we’re going wrong! God says Don’t Look Back…..trust in his will for your life….that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be & you are married to the person God willed you to be with, even though that wasn’t your will….it was God’s will. It comes down to accepting God’s will for your life and doing it joyfully for the good of all involved. Anyone who is married is so blessed just to have a partner to share life with. I don’t know you or your wife, but if she is as religious as you say, most likely if you share your struggle and are honest with her, she would forgive you and help you through it. I never kept my true feelings from my husband and we are getting ready to celebrate our 9th anniversary and our marriage feels stronger than ever! My husband helped me see things from a different perspective and he helped me figure things out…if you will. Perhaps your wife is the perfect person to help you conquer this battle? I truly believe that God is everyone’s true soul mate….and every other strong connection is simply a blessing God gave us in that moment. I will pray God’s grace will give you the courage and strength to do the right thing! May God bless you and your family!

  • CoolhandLuke says:

    hello everybody. I’m in an even more difficult spot. I fell in love with a woman when I was 18. She was much older then me, 9 years, and we never did anything like kissing and such, because we were not married and two, we were never alone (big family). But it was a pure and very intense love; But she had to move to another country in order to find a job and help her family. With time, i spent a lot of time with her younger sister, and fell in love with her, got married. 14 years later, I realise now that I never should have married her younger sister. I should have waited and followed her; Because I sense that my wife and i have become two opposites, and we have no longer things in common. ANd if I’m honest with my self, i think i never really loved my wife the way a man should. My wife deserves a man that adores her, and I can no longer cope with these hidden feelings for my sister in law. 6 years ago my sister in law god married, it nearly killed me. Het husband left her, the fool, and now she is 45, without childrens; My love for her, that I tried to forget,has recently become stronger then ever before and it is killing me. I can not divorce my wife for several reasons: yes i think my wife deserves a better man but it would kill me to see her in another relationship. Second; divorcing her would not result in a marriage with her sister because her religious family would never accept is and my first love would never be able to do this to her sister; Telling my wife the truth (she knows i once loved her sister but she thinks im over it) would destroy everything. She would maybe divorce me, and I would never see her again, and never see my sister in law again either. But the battle that I’m facing is that I know that I will never forger my first love, but my wife deserves better. If I was a real man, courageous enough i should say to my wife: you deserve much better, so let’s get a divorve; ” and i would get on with my life. But never seeing my wife, or her family (i know all of them for more then 20 years and i consider every member as a blood relative; i would give my life for any one of them. So My own conclusion is: stay with my wife and try to stay strong; But if you are reading this, realise that this love for my sister in law is solid as a rock . I mean, it’s been 16 years that i tried to forget my feelings for her but every now and then, i just fall apart, i break down. Two days ago I hit rock bottom. I wrote a letter of good buy, adressed to my sister in law where i told her one last time that she is my soulmate and that i realise I’ll never be married to her, and that the pain is no longer bearable; You should know that i had a horrific childhood, adolescence,… (in the true sense of the word, a life that would have killed most people) and I can no longer take the pain. So that is what I said in this letter; The idea, or better, the fantasie (because I knew i wasn’t going to post it, nor act on it) was to give the letter to my sister in law, so that she would know that she “was the one”, and then take my sleeping pills and just go into the eternal sleep. Because my father killed himself when I was 1 year old, I would never do this to my wife nor child, because after all, I do love my wife, but not in a way that I should, but in a kind of “good friend” kind of way, since ever. I’m without hope, without happiness, without strenght. Please do not tell me to pray to god,… because I’ve been trying that for 16 years; I think god want’s me to find the answer somewhere else, or maybe it’s a test like Job. Any way, I feel I’m running out of steam and may be one day, i’ll no longer have the strenght to continu….

  • Faye says:

    Thank you, Elkay for your kind words & also for keeping me in your prayers! I salute you for your faith in Christ Jesus! I wish you all of God’s blessings!

    I pray that you may be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. That you put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, I pray you take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
    I pray that you will have girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.
    I pray you take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—and for GOD, that utterance may be given to GOD, that HE may open your mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which we are an ambassador in chains; that in it you may speak boldly, as you ought to speak! (Ephesians 6:10-20) May GOD’s grace be always present with you. I ask this through Christ our Lord. AMEN.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Faye, your post was so timely! I found the 15 prayers of St. Bridget and was moved by her use of Christ’s sayings as he suffered on the Cross for us, to pay the sin debt we owe God. Meditating on those seven sentences can be very powerful!

    One of the major teachings of Christ about love, one that our generation does not focus much on, is that if we are to obey the first great commandment to love God, then we must heed John 14:15 where Jesus says, “If you love Me, keep My commandments”, those in particular in the Sermon on the Mount!

    Now “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge –that you maybe filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17b-19

  • Faye says:

    Absolutely, Elkay! It’s nice to hear someone else who agrees that true love has absolutely nothing to do with the “physical” nature of man. Quite the opposite, since GOD himself was conceived by the HOLY SPIRIT! True love can only be obtained in mirroring Jesus Christ in our lives….living sacrificially for the benefit of all humanity, not just ourselves. Completely surrendering our will (those things we desire most) in order to fulfill God’s Will for us.

    The Epistles of St. John also reminds us that everyone who loveth is born of God, and knoweth God…..those who loveth not, knoweth not God, for GOD is LOVE! Those who walk in the flesh, knoweth not…..for they are not sacrificing anything. Those who surrender the flesh for the love of God & humanity are able to walk in the spirit. Rather, GOD (who is love) is able to use our bodies as a medium to channel true love through us to another human being through the grace of the HOLY SPIRIT. This is only possible by truly loving God above all else, which is only attainable when we’re completely submissive & obedient to his all of his commandments.

    Music has been one of my biggest joys throughout life since childhood. It gave me hope for true love, the passion of dancing, all without realizing at the time, I would willingly give those feelings up in a heartbeat to experience true love in my life. It’s taken me over 30 years to get to the point where I now only listen to Christian, Christmas & Love songs. When I listen to popular music, I easily recognize how unclean & purely selfish their messages are, and I’m thankful to be at this point as I raise my children! As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that all those things that are good in me are not really me, rather GOD living through me. All the bad (totally admitting) in me, is when I find myself being selfish or separated from GOD. Prayers……The Rosary, The Pieta Prayer Book…specifically the 15 St Bridget Prayers….the Litany of the Holy Spirit…. have been my closest possessions in building a strong foundation & relationship with GOD, whom I love more than anything or anyone & always will….for everything I have & everything I am is because of GOD!

    I like that you reflected on the Ecclesiastes, because this book of Wisdom is perfect for referencing the only way to truly love one another…..to love as Jesus Christ has loved us! Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear GOD & keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man (ECC 12:13). Agape love at it’s best! :)

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Faye, thank you for those uplifting words and thoughts. That “best book” also says “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone?” (Ecc 4:9)

    It is true that in order to develop “eternal true love” relationships, we must love sacrificially. A relationship that grows out of selfishness or dependency will die as soon as the other person tires of the lopsided arrangement. But two individuals committed to giving without expecting anything in return will develop a mutually beneficial relationship. They serve one another gladly, valuing the other’s desires and needs above personal wants.

    Even in loving relationships, emotional and psychological injuries can occur. We all make mistakes. But thankfully, everyone who follows Jesus Christ has experienced pure pardon. We should, therefore, be prepared to ask forgiveness and be forgiving. Only by modeling Christ in our life can we truly commit to a friend’s spiritual growth. As we practice biblical principles, we will be able to encourage our mate to pray and meditate on the Word of God. The commitment to love, forgive, and motivate another person results in a wise and joyous and eternally loving relationship.

  • Faye says:

    It says it in the best book ever written…..****EVERY GOOD & PERFECT GIFT COMES FROM ABOVE, AND COMETH DOWN FROM THE FATHER OF LIGHTS****

    Once we experience a divine gift (true love), that seems to be all we long for! It’s hard to settle for anything less. This is why we cannot forget about someone we truly love. They’re not just a part of us, but became one with us through the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. It’s always mutual when it’s true love…these people are our soul mates, along with Jesus Himself! Nothing can separate a bond made between two souls in Christ Jesus…..no temporal life circumstance & no physical distance. True love is eternal!

  • Tom Tom says:

    It reminds me of my years playing slow-pitch softball, but I appreciate your thoughts also “remember”!!

  • Remember says:

    Youth, hope, dreams, excitement, springtime, warm sunshine, summer nights, energy, embraces, fun, romance ~ all remind me of my first love ~ although gone and anchored in the past ~ still bring a smile ~ NEVER forgotten!

  • Rose says:

    I love my x boyfriend and planned to marry him if my marriage did not work out. As I was getting divorced, he’s gf became pregnant and he eventually married her. He did but in a phone call to me before she got pregnant to let me know they had broken up, it was my window. I though was married. We have amazing chemistry and for the last 20 years we have an ongoing attraction for each other. I know work with him but its unbearable. We are like to magnets. So, I stay home to avoid the temptation from being in the office with him. Since working with him, I told him that I had planned to marry him if my marriage broke apart and he was shocked to know… and upset that I never told him. He said we could have been married for 20 years now. I love everything about him and was instantly smitten when I saw him for the first time, he said he felt the same. He is married with little children and we have talked about our feelings, and I have been very firm in that we must never cross the line and put his family and children first. It’s a tuff call but its the position I have taken and I have avoided developing an improper relationship with him. I regret not having stayed with him when we were younger.

  • Susan says:

    Hi Yogesh,

    According to the Bible, marriage is holy. God want us to be faithful to our partner. You cannot do this. You are also not faithful to your wife and even your girlfriend is not faithful to her husband. God hates sin. I encourage you to be faithful to your wife and leave all unwanted relationship. This can lead to destruction. Please commit your life to Jesus and live the way He expects. You can log on to knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above.

  • Chris says:

    kishan…i am sorry to hear of your struggles. without knowing all of the details involving your marriage, we do know from the bible, that marriage should be a personal choice between God and the persons involved. only you know if it was your choice to marry your wife or not or if you were obligated to do so. if you did marry under your own volition, then you should refrain from looking back and around to try and get out of your marriage but rather seek a personal relationship with jesus christ so that he can give you the peace and contentment you need to remain faithful to your own marriage vows. if you would like more information on knowing jesus as your personal lord and savior, whom we all need for this life and the next, log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. i pray jesus comes into your life, gives you forgiveness and personal salvation and shows you his plans for your life for his glory and honor amen!

  • kishan says:

    i am already married 2 years. but i want to marry my girlfriend because i am already relationship in 10 years before. so today i am love always my girlfriend not my wife. I want live my girlfriend not my wife. but my wife & his family want to dowry case on me. so help me

  • Yogesh says:

    Yes Susan this is my Present Relation on Frndship Day she tied me a Band first time then i had taken her nmbr of whatsup for chating at chating time she asked do u go for Movie & i said yes but i watch it alone she asked u don’t have any partner i said No
    then she said when u get time to watch movie call me i will join with U..
    I m already a Married person & she was also a Married Person that time.
    After watching Movie with her 2 days after i was proposed her on whatsapp that “Can u b my Girlfriend” she said yes from that day v r enjoying the life going for Date, call, messaging etc spending sometime with each other till now..

    And my wife does not know about it till now she was at her Native Place.
    But I Love Both of us..

  • Susan says:

    Hi Yogesh,

    What do you mean by ‘girlfriend’? Is this your past/present relation or what? Can you explain? Does your wife know about this ‘girlfriend’?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Yogesh, I can understand how you feel like you can’t live trying to balance your time with your wife and also time with your girlfriend. Love requires a full heart commitment and to be divided in two directions is going to cause problems. What was your commitment to your wife when you married her? Why are you ignoring that commitment to pursue a relationship with a girlfriend?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Kirsty, I am sorry to hear about your divorce. I am sure there is a whole lot to that story. 13 is pretty young to be sure that you will marry but I know that sometimes those early feelings can be matured into a long-term love. My grandparents met at a young age and knew immediately that there was a serious connection. My grandpa was an orphan and when my grandmother first saw him around age 12 she began to pray specifically for him. God directed their paths at an early age to be together and those prayers of my grandmother continued all through their lives. I know my grandpa drew great confidence because of those prayers.

    I don’t know what God has planned for you and your first love but I know that through prayer He will direct you into the perfect plan He has for you. Have you ever felt like God is leading you?

  • Yogesh says:

    I Love my Girlfriend & my Wife also..
    So much..

  • Yogesh says:

    Can anybody give me suggestion how to give time to my girlfrnd
    and my Wife..
    I can’t live both of us..

  • Susan says:

    Hi Santhosh,

    But before everything,first ask God’s guidance and His will. If we take decision according to God’s guidance then everything go well.

  • Santosh says:

    Hi All

    I read everybody views abt Love & How they facing in their life…..
    One thing i know real love is SEE…FEEL…UNDERSTAND…. in this present world.
    If u See a Person then feel in ur Hearts & after understand him/her how he/she behave, act, thought ,bla bla…….

    In present world some of them says love means Attraction…some of them says people use this word for sex. lot of views but exactly nobody knows how what exactly is it..

    I think the person seat alone and think Himself/Herself. dont ask anybody……….
    If he/she does real love then he/she will find the solutions coz love is not mean to get something ..its for to give something ..

    if for you there a lot of people happy living then its real love..its not mean you will live happy and let it go other…You live in this world not alone ..so think of others..

    We are not love only one person ,we love everybody in our life but we never felt inside coz we always measure the love percentage between boy/girl and father/mother

    There is no percentage in Love …LOVE IS EQUAL and SHARE IT

    Think & do it then u enjoy ur Life

  • Kristy says:

    I too miss my first love it’s hard. I was only 13 years old and I would have married him but my family moved away now I’ve got 4 beautiful children.I am divorced and live Three states away from where I grew up I looked for him on Facebook but still cannot find him. I understand how you feel.

  • Susan says:

    HI swapnil,

    No swapnil. God always help us to fall from danger. He is our good God. Just because, we don’t get out loved one that does not mean He doesn’t love us. No..Not at all. He wants to bless us and have the best. For that, we have to obey His commandments.

    God bless you!

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