Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!

cantforgetgirlfriendI’ve been married for three years but I just can’t forget my first girlfriend, who is also married with kids. I am going to become a father, but I can’t forget the moments we spent together a long time ago. I always compare my wife with her and find much dissatisfaction in my heart. Frankly speaking, I still love my first girlfriend very much. Sometimes even during sexual intercourse with my wife I think of her! We are Christians and this fact makes me feel even guiltier about this! I want to break through this struggle. Please help.

Advice: It is not unusual to clearly remember a first love relationship years later. I am sure many people struggle with past memories as they begin a new marriage. This is only human.
However, to continue in those memories and to fantasize about that old relationship is not healthy or honoring to you or your wife

. It is also not honoring to the old girlfriend. The reason you feel guilty about it is that it is wrong to share your covenant of marriage with any other person, and God is reminding you of that. You are right and wise to confess this problem. So many people try to ignore or hide this kind of struggle. Thank you for talking about it. As humans we all struggle with our thoughts and actions; you are no more unworthy of God’s love than anyone else.

The Bible is clear that God loves you and desires to bless and strengthen you. Yes, God will help you overcome this struggle. In the Old Testament, the Bible is clear about adultery. “You shall not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18). It is one of the ten commandments.

Jesus raised the standard, warning, “You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27). Jesus is not saying that God is a hard Master, or that God’s rules are unfair or impossible. He is saying that our human hearts are weak, our bodies are weaker, and we desperately need God to show us healthy boundaries for our thought lives in addition to the physical. God is good, and He wants the very best for you, for your wife and marriage, and even for the other woman.

I suggest you bring this to God just like you brought it to me. Confess it. Read the scriptures aloud with Him. Tell Him how it troubles you, makes you feel guilty, how you know it is wrong. Ask Him to help you “break through,” and to help you cleanse your thoughts of the other person so you are free to love only your wife, and think of her only. Ask Him to protect you from any thought or deed that would break the holy covenant of marriage. Ask Him to increase your devotion and commitment to your wife. The Bible promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

You must also avoid this other woman. Never call her, be alone with her, write her, or think of her. Put her away from your mind, your life, your marriage. That other woman does not belong to you. When thoughts of her come to mind, rebuke yourself declaring that she is not yours; you belong to your wife now. And pray and ask God again to protect you from thoughts of her.

You might want to attend a Bible-believing church with your wife if you haven’t already. Friends there can encourage and support you as you fight this battle.

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13 Responses to “Married, but Can’t Forget my First Girlfriend!”

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Nevbable,
    I’m glad that you found our site and that you left your comment here on this article. First of all, I’m glad that you mentioned that you are Christian and that you want to live your life for Him. The fact that you realize that you are struggling in your relationship with Him right now. God loves you and is not unaware of the situation that you find yourself in. He has promised in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave you nor forsake you. So if you feel that He is farther away, then you are the person who has moved. I John 1:9 tells us that if we confess our sins he is righteous and just to forgive us all of our sins. Ask God to show you what it is that is standing between you and him.

    You have made a commitment to your husband and now it’s time to work on your relationship with him. It sounds like there a number of issues that the two of you need to work through and talk about.

    Let me invite you to talk with one on of our online mentors who can privately talk with you about the hurt you are feeling and help you walk through this difficult time in your life.. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you by email.

  • Nevbabie says:

    Nothing that you been through shall be Wasted.

    Pliz help me anyone!
    l am a girl age of 20 l got married not too long its been months now, firstly l just want to say AM A CHRISTIAN AND I DO BELIEVE IN GOD MY LIFE IS GOD AND ALL I AM IS GOD’S IMAGE I DO NOT WANT TO SIN AGAIN.

    I have a problem in this marriage the man that am married to his not the right for me l believe, 1) l don’t really know a lot about marriage l was living with a stepmother before l got married, my stepmother was always shouting at me pointing her fingers at me all day long Mon to Sun to the point that l told my father that l can’t take this anymore l really want to move out and he said no don’t otherwise life will be hard for you out there and then l stayed but because my stepmother kept on bulling me silently, accusing me, gossiping about me everywhere l decided to say yes to the boy who was proposing me which his my husband now, because l could not live with my stepmother things where getting worse, l didn’t have anyone close to me than my father and my ex-boyfriend to tell him about the silent situation which was going on, so to avoid all of that l said am getting married which shocked my father up now. Wooow the man am living with he treat me like something else NOT LIKE A WIFE, he lies, hide a lot of things, he doesn’t talk to me and he is undependable which l can’t clarify here coz its a lot to writhe so by that he makes me miss my EX-BOYFRIEND so much I STILL LOVE MY EX.
    When l was with my EX friends things were going very ok we had a lot in common he was living with a stepmother as well, I USED TO BE CLOSE TO GOD, USED TO FAST AND PRAYING UNCOUNTABLE TIMES but now with this husband things are going back wards which l don’t have anyone who can help me than GOD -I NEED HELP DEAR FRIENDS I LOVE GOD SO MUCH BUT THE PROBLEM AM FACING IS PULLING BACKWARDS TO THE EXTEND THAT I SLEEP WITHOUT PRAYING OR FINISHING A DAY WITHOUT PRAYING. THE MAN I AM LIVING WITH HIS JUST A PICK AND DROP BUT THE TRUTH IS I BELIEVE THINGS WILL BE OK WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE I WANT MY EX-BACK IN MY-LIFE, MY EX TELLS NOT TO WORRY ALL THE TIME ALL HE SAYS IS BBY GOD HAVE A REASON FOR THAT YOU WILL OUT OF IT SOON MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND HIS FAMILY STILL LOVES ME.

    I HAVE WRITE THIS IN TEARS PLIZ I NEED TO KNOW IS IT A SINNING STILL THINKING OF MY EX-BOYFRIEND COZ I FEEL GUILTY ALL THE TIME AND AM GOING BACKWARDS I LOVE GOD AND I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM COZ OF THIS SITUATION AM FACING.

  • Mike says:

    Hello everyone I’ve been in similar situations and I’ve grown up since then. I’ve learned how to treat others in every possible relationship.

    1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
    2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)

    I’ve also learned not to stress out or worry about past and current relationships

    29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;

    30 And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not;
    31 And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. ( 1 Corinthians 7:29-31)

    Now where I’m at during the moment I can say I have no female friends, girl friends, fiances or wives.
    Time is getting short and I believe God wants us to live in peace.

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Very interesting comment Maunalani. I think the problem is with our English language. There are different words in other languages for the kind of love that we have for others…a phileo love which is a love between friends. I think that when we have been in a relationship with someone, there is always the potential to remain good friends, that is to have a phileo or brotherly love for that person because of shared experiences and memories.

    However, that eros love, or passionate sexual love that we have for our spouse should not be confused with that phileo or brotherly love. The fact that you have to consciously refrain from thinking about a woman that you haven’t been with in 35 years tells me that there are some unresolved issues that you need to deal with. Have you built her up as a sexual object in your mind? Are you thinking about physically being involved with her instead of your wife? These are questions that only you can answer but I would strongly encourage you to do that…it will improve your relationship with your wife I guarantee it!

  • Maunalani says:

    When you fall in love with someone you never fall out of love with them. I am still in love with my first girlfriend even though we haven’t been together for 35 years, and I have been married to someone else for 30. I just live with those feelings. It’s not a practical temptation, because we now live on opposite sides of the world. But I have to consciously refrain from thinking about her, and I still have feeling of sadness we broke up.

  • Karl says:

    First off I would like to say I enjoy reading your comments and I will be praying for you all and this website as well. In any relationship it is important to avoid fornication. To avoid this a couple must either control themselves or seek a husband or wife. “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-2
    There is also fornication between some husbands and wives. “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Matthew 19:9
    When we seek to please ourselves in our relationships and don’t do things the way God intends that wrong. I believe God wants us to be fruitful in our relationships with our husband and wife not with our girlfriends or boyfriends. And to marry someone and to be given into marriage are two different things. Our lord says. “For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. Matthew 22:30.
    And God gave us man the first command.
    And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is , Hear O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. Mark 13:29-31
    So in every relationships were involved in we should put God first.

  • ........... says:

    Your girlfriend is not your wife. The difference is, Carl Thomas, that until the Act of Marriage has been performed, the two people are not united, meaning pre maritally, that she is not your wife. This is the whole point of the wedding ceremony.

  • Marie says:

    Hello all,

    I just wanted to give you the other side of the story…the way it could go. I too have spent the past dozen years longing for an old love. Now married, and with children, I still think of that person every single day of my life. I still feel a pull to that person, a deep longing as if the earth itself is telling me that it is where I need to be. A couple of years ago I reached out and contacted this person via email. I didn’t have intentions in my heart to go against my spouse, I told myself it was my opportunity to get closure on better terms. It did not go well and it caused a huge fight involving both of our spouses. Once again, things between us ended terribly. Contacting your old flame might feel exciting…and you might feel renewed with those feelings as you speak to them about your old history….but it will never work and in the end you will feel even worse. In my case, I still think about them every day…even dream about them some nights. But that person is merely associated with a time in your life that you grew greatly during. You are longing for more than that person. You are longing for innocence, the rush of a first kiss, the realization that there is someone out there that sees who you really are. Keep your thoughts to yourself…keep them between you and God. If He truly wants your paths to cross…He will make it happen on His own terms.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Carl, it sounds like you are really struggling with choices that you have made about the level of intimacy in relationships. It is always a hurtful thing when your level of intimacy progresses beyond your level of commitment. Sex is designed for the the commitment of marriage. Anything other than that becomes destructive to one degree or another.

    That being said, God is able to heal the hurt from our choices and bring us newness of life. If you are dealing with guilt/shame about sexual relationships you have had on the past bring those to God. Confess that you chose to cross the boundaries that He set for healthy sexual relationships and ask for His healing.

    Let me invite you to talk with one on of our online mentors and they can privately talk with you about the hurt you are feeling and help you find God’s forgiveness and healing. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will contact you by email.

  • Jim says:

    but think your wife is the one who is whole heartedly yours and not your ex girlfriend. Learn to love your wife. she is the one you have and not your ex girlfriend…. think about it

  • Carl Thomas says:

    Could it be possible that your girlfriend is your wife even if your not legally married? And what if you united with your girlfriend, does that make her your wife? Can a person you united with make them your wife or husband? What if you united yourself with a prostitute and you didn’t know, is he or she your husband or wife? And if so how can you move on? Will God allow you to look for another partner? And how do you forget about this partner? What if this partner was your first girlfriend or boyfriend? What if this is the first person you united with? Can you help me come up with answers?

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    Deepika,

    One of the most difficult things in life is when we are involved in a relationship and we are not sure what we should do. The most important question that a person needs to answer is what would Christ wish for me to do? Often if we try to please family then it is us that will become miserable and we will live to regret our decision the rest of our lives. Often it is better to wait and don’t rush into a marriage. You are not married which gives you the time to wait to discover what is Christs will in your life. The true definition of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:

    1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

    4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

    8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

    11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

    13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

    If these characteristics are not demonstrated then seriously consider not getting married. I would also suggest to contact one of our mentors.

    God Bless

  • deepika says:

    I had a relationshiped with last 4 yrs. now i am engaged with another boy. but my past always tell me come back we will marriage. but i don’t want to do this.
    I don’t understand what should i do. How can i solve this problem. If I do they my family will be insult.plz help me.

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