Life After Divorce
You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Talk to a mentor today.
Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.
In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.
This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.
“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”
Post-Divorce Depression
Has love betrayed you? Grief. Rejection. Betrayal. These are all natural to feel. Watch the video then let us know what you think or if you want to talk.
It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.
When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.
“I feel betrayed and rejected.”
The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.
The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.
“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”
80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.
I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’
Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.
What are the choices you can start making?
- Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
- Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
- Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
- Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
- Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
- Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.
You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.
There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. You can fill out the form below to start a conversation with a mentor or make a comment on the article below.
David, I really liked what you said about wishing that you had relied on Christ a long time ago, but that it is never too late. Having faith and praying in all things really is the most important thing we can do in every area of our life.
Jules, my heart goes out to you. Getting close to God is so important as you walk this very difficult journey. But you are also right in saying that this is not the time for a new friendship or possibilities since you are still married to your husband. Instead, it is fair to give your husband an ultimatum and let him know that you will not accept him having another adulterous affair and expect that you will just stand by.And through it all, press close to the heart of God, seeking His face and His will in all things.
We do have online mentors who would love to walk alongside of you on this journey. Just fill out the form on this page and one of our email mentors will be in touch with you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Rob D: I read your post a couple of times, and it fits me also. But something I have learned is the guilt we take on is not taken on by our spouses for their parts. At least not in my case. The children suffer and divorce is traumatic for them. A day does not go by when I don’t think about my ex..sometimes with some anger, sometimes with regret. Praying non stop helps. I also recommend the book “Jesus Calling”, its a devotional with some citations in it written from His perspective to us…his lost, and hurting sheep. I was in law enforcement for many years, I noticed you were in the military. Its hard to be positive in those careers all the time. There is the day to day stress, and of course the crazy levels of people above and below you that make you fatigued. We all need to have someone we can take for granted..not in the selfish way but in the knowing that they are there for us always…like our parents were (hopefully). For me its Christ, I wish I had really rel
ied on Him long ago..but the best part it is never too late! Have faith in all things and pray..open yourself up and release it all in prayer…and be thankful for those good things in your life.
Hello all,
I have been reading lots of posts and only been brave enough to write in here. I still live with my husband but I wish he would leave as I think in his mind he left long time ago and as such we are living under the same roof as parents to our 2 kids. I was pregnant with our second child when I first found out he cheated on me a year and half into our marriage. I was devastated and everything I believed in seemed unreal. I forgave him but I could not trust again, and till dates he has cheated at least 2 more times that I know of. The last I know in 2010, I asked him to leave as I felt this was disruptive to my growth as a christian, it was making me have all these negative feelings. He again refused to leave, saying he loves me and its a mistake. He went to see our pastor, and we started counselling, we went counselling together just 2 times, before he stopped coming under the pretext of work. Till date, he has not even taken me out on a single date, he has not sat me down ever for a heart to heart discussion. It seemed all he was interested in was to calm the storm that arose after I found out. I’m convinced he wants to live this serial adulterer life and still have a “naïve” wife to come to. I’m getting closer to God, its difficult too, but I’m moving on while still married, as I don’t want to be vulnerable as I was when he cheated, there are all the signs and I know he will do it again. This time I know I won’t turn back. I have tried to forgive and keep the marriage together firstlt because its what God intended and also for the children, but I think it should not be at the detriment of my health and as a such detached my emotions from him. Right now I don’t have any loving emotions towards him, my heart is open for a new friendship and possibilities, but I know its not time for that, so I’m just burying myself in God, asking him for help as what I really want is to be acceptable to him in my words, deeds and life. Please help y’all. Advice?
I mean still happily married and we are planning to have a baby the coming year.. I just feel so sad and sorry the baby is never happened.
thanks for your great advices. I will in fact meet my counselor tomorrow and I am ready to speak up for the termination of the session. I hope she understands it . Because in the past sessions I have to admit I want to hear something about my X from her and speak something hoping she will convey that message to my X. stupid..right.. Just still can’t accept the fact that he is enjoying life right now while I am emotionally and physically sick. We did have very good times and he did protect and taking care of me very well. I keep thinking if I could stop him from changing his job, then he would never meet that woman. then maybe we will be happily engaged to each other now.
Right now I am trying to find a new councellor but what is the difference of a councellor and a clinical psychologist? and which one should i choose to help me go through with me condition right now ?
Yan,
You are getting some pretty good advice here. I, too have benefited from the wise counsel these people have offered. Like you, I have an unfaithful spouse but mine chose to keep it a dark secret for 30 yeas. I think I would rather have found out after 8 years like you have. My husband has serious lovers for 5 or so years at a time so I came to learn. That knowledge explained so much that seemed odd at the time and it explains the distance he has always kept in our relationship. So now, I am at an age that is hard to start over. Our adult children work for our business and it is difficult to break away just now because of financial difficulties that would impact them – my husband wants to continue marriage. So I give it to HIM right now and think of children – take every day and consecreate it to the Holy Ghost and ask him to guide me. Boy, has he let me know he is there when I do that!
I had trouble getting my mind off the deceit and lies and other women like you are. I made myself say a little prayer at first, when my mind would go there. Then I got up to two prayers and then three and then I started learning about the Saints. I would read about their lives and ask them to pray for me, and they did!! I asked my Guardian Angel to help and my mind is now mostly focused on those things. It took time and I still fall into deep sorrow for a period during every day but I offer that for souls, like Jesus’ suffering was for souls and it takes the bitterness away.
I hope this helps you – it doesn’t happen overnight but if you persist you can turn your mind to beautiful, holy thoughts. We are so lucky to have this place to talk about this. Love and Blessings, K
Yan
Yes get a different counceler. You need to feel completely free and safe to be able to get the most out of your counseling sessions. If you have been going through this for 2 months, please give yourself some time to go through the process. It will get better and the hole in your hard will hesl. I know it does not feel that way now but time does heal wounds. Start with a different counseler and you may also want to check on a program called “Divorce Care”. They are starting sessions in many places next week and I for one am going to start one near my home because I want to be the best I can be and if going through this program will help me in the slightest way it is worth it. God Bless
yan, If you can, I think you need to find a different counsellor. As part of the therapy process it’s important that your counsellor be someone that you trust. You said that you’re holding back because your Ex has the same counsellor. I think that’s a perfectly reasonable concern, but it’s going to be very difficult for you to do the work you need to do in counselling if you’re always trying to not say certain things. Your counsellor will understand and may even be able to help you find a new counsellor to talk to.
Mary Frances thanks for your empathy and caring. Actually after two months keep calling him and begging him came back to me, I gone through a painful time to cut contact with him. It was so painful and like quitting an addicted drug. I packed myself with church functions, classes, works … yet deep down my heart, the hole is never filled …
I am doing a counselling ..but I don’t see it’s helping after these period of time…I am wondering if this is because I am sharing the same counsellor with my X… which there is something i never willing to confess or reveal my dark past to my counsellor ..I know of ethnical boundaries that she will be keeping secrets in front of my X..but I just cannot do this fearing that will be a chance my councilor will imply something I said to my X.. maybe i am too paranoid.. but I am also too weak to speak up and do anything about it….any opinions?
Yan: I fully understand where you are. I was there as well. I found that for me, I had to feel all that anger and resentment. I had to work through it. I will also say that the stress of feeling that anger and resentment was just as strong and intense as the hurt. My divorce was an odd one in that while we will be divorced 2 years this spring, it is just now, over these last few months that I am really feeling divorced. It took my X a while to move out and when he did there was a period of time where I saw or spoke to him almost every day [his actions not mone]. It was not until these past few months that I’ve felt a breeze absent or reduced levels of the anger and resentment. I found that counceling, prayer and surrounding one’s self with good caring people helps. It takes time and trying to rush it or ignore it is very damaging. When I felt completely taken over by it, to the extent of being scared by the emotions I was feeling I got right on the phone with my paster. This was an amaizing help and I firmly believe that I am physically, emotionally and mentally where I am now because of her. Remember that it DOES get better with time, prayer and support. God Bless.
hi brothers and sisters.. can anyone tell me how to forgive and wish him all the best when he is the one betrayed and left ? For months my heart is filled with sorrow, hopelessness and self-blame. And now I finally realized there is a deep strong resentment in my mind and it’s killing me… it’s killing me every second when I think of him with another woman and i am still stuck , i feel like no where to go but the memories and vows that keep my tears dropping. We spent eight years of happy time and he was the only man in my life . I pray everyday for god’s healing and hope….but the resentment and sorrow seems growing and never stop… please advise…
Hello Rob D,
I’m sorry you are going through a very rough time now. I see Kate has already provided an excellent response to your post. She has given wise advice, to look to God for healing and help rather than looking inward. When we look inward, we find more of the same. When we look up to God, we discover the possibility for something new and different from the same old-same old. The reason that I am confident in that advice is that I was also in the military. Military life is known to be very hard on a marriage and will either make it stronger or it will destroy it. It all depends on the individuals involved – and also if they have an anchor like a personal relationship with God. In my case, I stopped and turned my life over to God and asked him to correct the problems that I wasn’t capable of correcting on my own. It was after that that I noticed I was beginning to change and started becoming more like God intended for me to be. The problem is that change may come to one person and not the other in a relationship. Each of us have to decide for ourselves if we are going to be open to God. You sound like you have accepted that there are things about you that have to change. That’s great! You are on the right track Rob. I would encourage you to keep going and talk things over with God. If your divorce process continues you are going to need a real friend to help you through it, and that is what God can be for you. Often he shows his love and friendship for you through others such as a pastor, or Christian counselor. You can also get additional support by clicking on the “Talk to a Mentor” link on our website. I may only get one chance to say this so I feel like I should say it now – if you are at all curious about how God could make a difference in your life, please have a look at this page – http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/ then find a pastor or Christian counselor to talk it over with.
I know of others who have experienced the challenges of going through a divorce. A growing number of people have found a lot of help from others who have gone through it before. Now they have healed and they focus on helping others through it in something called a DivorceCare Group. Have a look at their website and then click on “Find a Group” to find one nearest you – http://www.divorcecare.org/
I want to encourage you to keep coming back here Rob to read more, to get a mentor, and to visit our co-ed chat room to connect with others who can encourage you. In the meantime, I have prayed for you and I will continue to do so as the Lord brings you to mind. God bless you Rob!
Hello all, so far the aftermath of divorce has been pretty brutal. We can’t seem to get past talking about the past. It’s always negative responses and constant blaming (of which I spent years being blamed for anything wrong). I don’t feel it’s necessary to bring up what brought about divorce. Nothing is ever solved when we speak about our past issues.
I am always compelled to call or text to see how he is doing but every time it ends badly. I always end up regretting contact with him, although I will be in contact with him for the rest of my life because of the kids. I’m not too sure what to do with this empty feeling and I just want to run away but that would solve anything.
I was recently told “if you had only said you will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work” then I wouldn’t be divorced. I honestly don’t believe that because even up to the morning of divorce I still told him I didn’t want a divorce, but I had zero control of stopping it during court. Divorce was always held over my head and dangled like a carrot, it was brought up so many times I was used to hearing it. It was optional because it was made optional.
One plus to all of this is the fact that it has enhanced my relationship with God. I’ve had to lean on him and trust so much throughout this whole process. It’s terribly hard to have faith of a mustard seed.
So would anyone have any advice towards dealing with the ex and speaking on the past? (Probably shouldn’t even have contact unless concerning the kids). Has anyone ever went back to their ex after divorce?
Trazee, thank you so much for your sincere comment, I know that there are a lot of women out there that can identify 100% with how you feel. One year, is not a long time, healing after divorce takes a couple of years, in the scale of trauma, divorce is second in how traumatic it is, second to death.
And how you feel is normal, the betrayal all over again, the other woman, the children in the middle. I must say it is noble of you not to bad mouth the father, I have seen devastating consequences on the children, when moms or dads doing that.
Yes, I can identify with that feeling of all falls into place for him, but I do all the right things, and I need to feel the emotional pain. But, I have learned in life, that nothing is as it seems. And that whatever one sows, one reaps, and you continue sowing in tears and the Word says in Psalm 126:5, will reap in joy… and also in Isaiah 54 (read the whole chapter) in verse 7 “for a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee” – the abandonment, the rejection, the betrayal, it feels like a God forsaken moment.
Dear Trazee, you will heal and be made whole again, with time, God’s love and mercy.
“Heavenly Father, I pray for Trazee, that your love will surrender her heart, that your peace that surpasses all understanding will guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus, when she feels the despair and emotional hurt, as she stands in a situation where she know the other woman, and her children visit them. I pray that Trazee, will rise above it all, as she mount up on wings as eagles.. Lord, thank you that you have brought her thus far, and you will finish the good work that you have started in her” I praise you and thank you for your goodness”
Trazee, I keep you in my prayers, remember, we have Spirit filled mentors who would love to spend time with you, if you feel the need to just share with someone. Thank you once again, for your powerful contribution…
Mary Frances, your post lifted my spirits. I hope that in a year I am as strong as you. I have faith in God and hope that He gives me the strength I need to get through this emotional roller-coaster called divorce. I too did everything I could to save our 25 year marriage. My husband didn’t. He made sure of this by being unfaithful. We have had so many issues that this was the last straw. I can no longer be with him because he doesn’t love me nor was he willing to work at our relationship. We separated last year due to other issues, after six months we reconciled and he promised that he would work on’us’ but he didn’t. It was just words. In November I found out about his affair and I suspect that there was more than one. We are divorcing and the hurt and pain that I feel is indescribable. I am struggling. I am seeing a counsellor and thought that I was doing better but I am not. I am an emotional wreck. I am living through each day but willing each day to end quickly. I do this because everyone says that time heals pain and I want this pain to end. I have a very small circle of friends and my family is supportive but I still don’t feel like this is helping. I feel like I am all alone in this even though they are there for me. He is getting on with his life and doubt that he even thinks about me. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in three months but I am constantly thinking of him. Sometimes I am angry, other times excruciatingly sad. It’s awful. Reading your post has given me some hope. Thanks and God bless from Nancy
Dear Rob,
My heart goes out to you. Since God has designed us to be in relationship with Himself and with others, whenever relationships are strained or broken we are going to endure intense pain and heartache. Since you and your wife are joined as one, being ripped apart is no less than violence. As a result, there is absolutely no way you can care for yourself or fix yourself on your own. You need the help of the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha! Have you invited Jesus into your heart, to cleanse your wounds (painful, but necessary), to pour out His healing balm and to bind up your brokenness? Only He can do so, and when He does so, He does it perfectly, with only the finest of scars remaining to remind you of His tenderness, compassion and faithfulness to get you through even the most terrible of times. Psalm 147:3 “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Similarly, since we have been designed for relationship, we will not find the peace we seek by trying to get ourselves together and find our self-worth. God hasn’t made us like that. The more we focus inward or on our own needs, the more frustrated we will feel. In the economy of God’s kingdom, you must give to get and die to self to live. Ask Him to show you where you can pour out your energies, because focusing them on yourself will always leave you feeling bereft. In fact, the feeling you express when you say, “it so hard when I wake up every morning thinking about my wife and go to sleep every night doing the same” is by God’s design. He wants you to know that as long as you keep trying to do it your way, to figure it out on your own, in your own strength, you’ll never achieve the results you long for. The answer is to do it His way, relying totally on His wisdom and His strength, and then He will pick you up out of the pit and set your feet upon solid rock.
I am thanking God already for your humility. It is a beautiful work of His Spirit that you are able to acknowledge your shortcomings and failures. Have you thought of asking God for forgiveness for your ways? Also, asking your wife? God honours us when we do so, and He is faithful to forgive, meaning that once you’ve asked for forgiveness you must count yourself forgiven because He says so, and then surrender any regrets to Him so that He can turn the dust and ashes into beauty! He makes masterpieces out of our messes, only invite Him to do so!
I urge you to remember that happiness that has to do with circumstances is never solid. Jesus Christ is the solid rock, and everything else is sinking sand. Though your wife may look happy, I wonder if on the inside she is like a small child, seeking love and affirmation… but looking for it in all the wrong places. We all have sought a saviour garbage heaps at one time or another. Pray to the Lord, ask Him to give you courage to be a man after His own heart, and when you have done so, let Him show you how to love and affirm your wife, and battle on behalf of your family.
Praise the Lord for His mercy and grace, may you be a mighty warrior for His Kingdom!
God bless you, you will all be in my prayers,
Kate
PS Have you seen the movie Courageous?
Hello, my name is Rob. I am in the process of a divorce. My wife and I were married for 10 years and separated 6 months ago. We have 2 daughters ages 7 and 9. The past 6 months have been the hardest of my life and it seems that almost everyday is a struggle. I understand why this is happening, as things weren’t great for a long time, but even through the hard times I always loved my wife, and still do.
She began dating within a month of our separation. When I found this out my heart was broken. Everytime I would see her she seemed so happy, so I thought that maybe that was the answer. I tried and dated a few very nice girls, but just wasn’t able to let go of my wife. I realize that I was just trying to replace the feelings I had for her with someone else, and now know that isn’t possible. Everything I read tells me that I need to get myself together and find my self-worth. I have been giving this a truly honest effort, but it is so hard when I wake up every morning thinking about my wife and go to sleep every night doing the same. I just wonder if this will ever end or will I spend the rest of my life thinking about losing her and all of the mistakes I made along the way to contribute to the failure of our marriage. I just can’t understand how she would want a life without me. We have our little girls together, I am successful, I feel like I’m a pretty nice looking guy, and I took good care of her and our children. I did make mistakes along the way, but I can’t understand how my mistakes were enough for her to want me out of her life. I know this is just my perspective of the situation and maybe I was a terrible person to live with. I was manipulative, not always honest, negative at times, and not always the easiest person to be around, but I don’t feel like any of these things were the norm. I spent a great deal of our marriage in the military, then got out and went straight into nursing school, which was very stressful, and no doubt had an effect on my marriage. I had always felt like I had so much control over my life up to this point. I have been very fortunate to have had the life that I was given. I can now admit that I didn’t truly appreciate it the way I should have. I took it for granted, and understand that this is a personality flaw that I have to deal with. I just hope that I can somehow find a way to deal with this and that I can one day let go of her. Until then, I just don’t know what to do…
K, My heart and prayers are out to you. Take care of yourself, be safe, emotionally, mentally and physically. My church family was and still is so helpful to me. There were times, one day in particular that if it were not for my pastor I do not know what would have happened. I called a couple of people and they were not home. I reached out to an associate pastor who knew a little about what was going on with me but not the whole story. Her help and being there for me and the way she prayed with me, I believe saved my life. I also believe that God knew that the other people I was calling could not help me that day. Not to the extent that I needed help. I believe that He gives us the tools we need when we need them. I also believe that He knew that if I spent the rest of my life in the marriage [although I did not know the truth] that His will would not be done. I am doing so much more now than I was doing before. I spend time in His word daily, I am losing weight, I am making good financial decisions [some of them difficult to do], I am making time for myself. I am spending time with my church family and other freinds. I pray that you can move through your door and that things turn around for you, bases on what is the best for you.
Mary Frances I really like your post, the part about the door to a new room and how it is hard to get thru with all our “stuff” attached. But it sounds like you have made it thru. I am still living with my husband, serial adulterer I found out – throughout the entire marriage. I am financially unable to make change right now – our children are employed by our business and we are struggling there, no funds to pay for a person to do what I do so I am keeping it together for them right now. I would prefer to be on my own and if business fails I will. Husband does not want me to leave. I am supposed to pretend I don’t know. He won’t leave me for others because he does not want to be committed to anyone. ME or them. He has had his life organized to his liking for a long time and doesn’t want any changes. I am using this time to grow in God. I have learned I have a whole new family, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, all the Saints and I can trust them.
I don’t know why he allows this but it has made me closer to him so it is worth it.
Thank you for your posts, Love and Blessings to you all
Debra P: I totally understand where you are at. I am close to my Mom but not my sister. I also live out of state. I feel like an outsider. So my in laws became my close family. So when my x moved on he took that from me too. My x from day 1 kept me hooked with “I don’t want you to stop loving me in case I made a mistake. This is an experiment and I may want to come back”. I think his desire for me to still be close to his family and his inability to let me move on is self serving in the event he decides he wants me back or needs money. If I am close to his family he can use them to convince me to take him back. But I am no longer that nieve spouse. If trying to be part of something you are not, in a way that you can never be again, is too painful for you; you need to do what is best for you. If I stay hooked up with his family and he gets married again I go through the same pain all over again. I went through too much pain to get where I am now! I have to severe all relationships for my own good. My x keeps calling me and trying to chat, I get off the phone ASAP. He has noticed it and says “I want to be freinds – you get off the phone as if you hate me”. My x’s calls start out with unimportant chit chat then he moves in for the catch i.e. I cant make my truck payment – can you and I’ll pay you back? I promise I’ll pay you back this time”… He is getting a little smarter lately as he will call – chit chat. Talk to you later, chit chat, then boom the chit chat and close for money call. Now that I know the truth about his hidden life, I no longer want him in mine. But I do miss what I “thought” I had. I spent 20 years thinking and feeling like I was in a mutually loving, solemate, honest etc. etc. relationship. I spent many years in the “dark”, clueless to the truth. My x was and is a VERY good actor. I spent 20 years in an award winning stage play!!! Its hard to shut off the feelings of missing that “bliss” even though the “bliss” was false. I look back on how I was just after the truth came out and the divorce; compared to where I am now. People told me it would get better, but I had to go through it for it to happen. God does not give us more than we can handle. He sees the big picture. He sees what is on the otherside of the “door”.
I have an analogy: We are in a room. Its dark, uncomfortable, scary, painful beyond anything we’ve experienced, it hurts being there. We do not think our lives will ever get better. God opens a small door. The door is very much smaller than what we are, with all our hurt, anger, other emotions, financial, health, loneliness and unreturned love, just all the stuff we are carrying as the result of our broken marriages, divorces, job loss etc., etc.everything in that horrible room. We are large: swollen up with all this stuff, much larger than the little doorway! How can I possibly get through this! But He says walk through this doorway, I opened it and you can get through it but you have to trust Me. So we painfully squeeze through. We pray, read, go to counceling, rely on the kindless and support from others. We do a lot of crying, lashing out. We do not like who we have become and its the most pain we have ever experienced. Getting through the doorway is just as painful as the original room! We ask God why the door is so small, He knows we need a larger door! But He opened the door and He was there with us in the room and as we sqweezed through the door. But when we get through that door we see that something wonderful has happened. We are no longer so large with all the stuff. We are sore from the experience, we still have to heal from the process. We still have some stuff but who doesn’t. The new room or space is fresh, like a cool sping morning, it is our future. God is right there in the new room too and He says, see, I knew you could do it, you just had to trust Me.
I haven’t posted on here in over a year. It’s been a year and a half since my husband left. I do have to say that with time and God it does get easier. There are times that my heart still aches, that I long for what was. The hardest thing I’m dealing with has to do with my kids. I have primary custody and they visit their dad on weekends. He is a good dad and my kids love him. He recently moved in with his girlfriend (she was a friend of ours) My kids seem pretty accepting of this. I feel betrayed all over again. I realize that we raised our kids to be loving, nice kids and that is what they are doing, it just hurts my heart that there is another female in their lives. I never, ever say anything negative about their dad or her to my kids. They are kids and don’t need to know all the details that will make their lives harder. I also know that I am their mom, their only mom, and that they love me with everything in them. It just seems unfair to me sometimes, I was the one who did the right thing, I never left them, I worked at saving my marriage and it seems as if he is the one that has everything falling in place. I know that I have something greater in the peace that comes from God, it is just still difficult at times.
Mary Frances, I so understand your pain! I was so close to my in-laws. My x and I married in July 99 and 2 months later my Mom died. My Dad had already passed so my new in-laws helped to fill that void of my parents. Now after their son told me he didn’t love me anymore and up and left…it’s very hard to talk to them. I’m slowing getting away from it but it’s hard. It’s like losing my parents all over again. My x wanted to be friends and we did talk up until he got engaged over the holidays. That just sent me back into depression and I too am in counseling for the divorce. I gave everything to my x and the grief I’m feeling is so overwhelming. My heart just aches and I do want him to love me again, but I know I don’t want to force him to do so and it’s apparent he has moved on. I think have a relationship with the in-laws now, for you and me both, are just too hard to handle and not worth the pain. God Bless you Mary Frances!
Debra P
Well I hope everyone handled the holidays well. I consentrated on the real reason for the season and surrounded myself with Christian Christmass celibrations. Not that there were not some sad times, especially when my in law called because they were thinking of me. I just am not in a position emotionally to “be freinds” and act like I did when I was married to my ex. Bottom line, talking with them just reminds me of what happened and its not healthy for me. I am seeing a Christian counceler and oddly enough they are not forcing me to deal with the anger and unforgiveness; but rather work through it, feel it and move on.
Lord God I pray for MJ and her family as they go through this divorce. I ask that you would be the strength that MJ needs to face being a single parent. I pray that You would protect the children from the emotional struggles that comes with a divorce like this. I ask that You would convict her husband and help him to see the way his choices are hurting his family. Lord I know that You can heal this brokenness and so I ask that You would. Give MJ comfort as she moves forward from here and help guide the choices and decisions that she makes. Amen.