Life After Divorce
You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Talk to a mentor today.
Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.
In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.
This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.
“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”
Post-Divorce Depression
Has love betrayed you? Grief. Rejection. Betrayal. These are all natural to feel. Watch the video then let us know what you think or if you want to talk.
It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.
When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.
“I feel betrayed and rejected.”
The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.
The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.
“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”
80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.
I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’
Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.
What are the choices you can start making?
- Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
- Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
- Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
- Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
- Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
- Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.
You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.
There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. You can fill out the form below to start a conversation with a mentor or make a comment on the article below.
I just wanted to thank you all for your kind, encouraging, gracious and uplifting words. They are such a comfort to me in this difficult time and I greatly appreciate them. I am deeply saddened to say that I received a letter in the mail today ordering me to go to court tomorrow to finalize our divorce. Many different emotions have taken over me. I am sad, angry, mad, confused, and insecure just to name a few. I didn’t expect it to be so soon even while knowing it would be within a month. Lords know I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live separate lives, seeing my kids only a few days out of the week. Knowing that this is what it will be like is unbearable. Knowing I will be leaving the area where we currently live and moving in two years, separating the kids from their father is unbearable. I just ask for as many prayers as I can receive for all of us but especially my two babies and for God to heal their hearts and that their father remains a part of their lives always…
God bless you all!!!
Thank you,
MJ
Dear K,
I thank God for your faith and your growing relationship. Our Lord is lovely and gracious to us!
From what you said below, I just wanted to question you about something. You said: “One thing I know is this person I am in a contract with is not honest and is cruel and selfish.” Do you think the Lord wants you to label your husband by his sins? If you or I were labeled by our sins, how would that feel? What horrible titles would be ours?
Grace be with you, your sister in Christ,
Kate
Dear MJ,
I sympathize with you and feel quite familiar with the rollercoaster you seem to be experiencing. I truly hope, since you asked for prayer, that you have Jesus at the centre of your relationship. The problem with negotiating on human terms, e.g. “if you do this, I’ll do that” is that humans are very, very prone to being unfaithful. Even when we want to keep our word, we often do not. That is why it is absolutely essential to have Jesus in your heart and trust yourself and your marriage to Him. Only He knows both your heart and your husband’s heart, and only He can perfectly guide you through this troubled time. Only He is perfectly faithful, so that if He tells you, “Do this” you can know that you will never, never regret it. He will not lead you astray! He is the only one whose wisdom is perfect and whose love for you will never fail. He is so important at this crossroads! Turn to the Lord and cry out to Him, then listen with your heart as you meditate on some of your favourite Bible scriptures. He will speak to you, and guide you one step at a time.
I would caution you against rushing to human solutions. We always, always crave control. It is our fallen human condition! But so long as we crave it, we will be powerless. Instead, we need to surrender to the Lord. Even this we cannot really do in our own strength. I find it so helpful to say aloud, “Lord, I really want to trust You with this, but it is so difficult for me. Please increase my faith. Please help my unbelief. Please give me grace to trust You more.” Trusting Him, believing Him and walking by faith (not by sight!!! Setting our eyes on our very stormy circumstances will always cause us to sink!!! See Matthew 14:30) is CRUCIAL at this time.
Finally, I really want to encourage you. The desire you have in your heart to save your marriage and your family is godly. God wants to save your marriage and your family too! He is on your side! He knows what blessings await you both if you can trust Him to help you walk on the water through this storm! (Similarly, Satan knows all the blessings that are stored up for those who trust the Lord and wait on Him, so Satan will always encourage you to give up too soon or throw in the towel. Stand firm in the Lord and do not be dissuaded!) You will certainly feel very, very vulnerable if you trust the Lord to work on your heart and your husband’s heart, but vulnerability is God’s way. It is how He does His most awesome work! Take a look at our Lord Jesus on the cross; He was utterly vulnerable, and He was killed, but on the third day He rose again! God is longing to display His resurrection power in our families and marriages too, but we will have to trust the Lord through our suffering until He brings about the miracles.
I will keep you, your husband and your children in my prayers. God bless. Count on Him to lift you up so that you soar above the storm, and do not grow weary in trusting Him!
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
MJ, This site is a good place for you to express your feelings. There is compassion and guidance here.
Like you, I let my husband “drive the bus” in our relationship, always trying to please him. We learn this from our childhood, sounds like yours was similar to mine. Mom was a pleaser and Dad was a serial adulterer.
I was shocked to learn I ended up the same way, my husband was good deceiver for so many years. I had thought he was my best friend.
You, like me, can grow in spirituality. I have learned to put God first, before husband. This is what HE wanted me to realize. Ask for His guidance, I can see it is difficult for you with dependant children in the home and such turmoil with mixed messages coming from your husband. The evil one likes to cause confusion and turmoil.
It is hard to see the truth when you are emotionally attached in an unhealthy way like I was. I am learning to cut the unhealthy need to please ties in my relationship and after several months of praying feel better about myself. You can do this too, HE wants you to turn to him, you are not alone. Love and Blessings
MJ,
I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this situation. Marriage is supposed to be forever and when someone takes that away it is incredibly painful. You mentioned that your husband said that, “if I submit completely to all his demands he will remove divorce, and we would be a family again.” I don’t believe him. If you give in to his demands then he will always have the trump card of divorce to threaten you with and you’ll be completely powerless. As soon as he wants something new he’ll threaten you with divorce again. You can’t live like that. In reading your comment it sounds like you have already begun the process of accepting that your family is changing.
You said that you feel like “I constantly compromise myself and especially my body.” My first recommendation for you would be to stop sleeping with him. If he is not interested in being a husband then he should not enjoy the benefits a husband receives. Often what happens, or doesn’t happen, in the bedroom is a direct response to the health of the relationship. If having sex with him makes you feel about yourself, stop doing it. It is not fair of him to expect that he can tear everything apart but still lay claim to your body. I know that that is not an easy thing to let go of, but what are you gaining if it leaves you feeling used and compromised? That’s awful.
The road ahead is not an easy one, but you can walk it. Get some help, and the sooner the better. There are free, private mentors on this site that can help. (Use this form to request a mentor.) Counsellors can help. Sometimes family can help. Don’t feel like you need to be strong enough to do this on your own. You need to be strong enough to get out of bed in the morning and take care of your kids, but that’s about it. This is going to be hard. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Do you have a lawyer yet? You’re going to need one.
The feeling of powerlessness does get better. Right now you’re in-between worlds which is always a hard place to be. Once you know for sure that the divorce is final you’ll be able to step into this new life. At least you’ll know what you’re dealing with. You’re going to need to make some plans. Where are you currently living? Will you be selling the house? I know it’s hard to think about these things, but you may find that starting to put some concrete plans together helps you to feel more in control.
Father, I pray for MJ today. Her heart is breaking and she needs you desperately. I know that you are the God who restores and if it be your will that this family could be brought back together then I ask for that. But Father, if that is not the road you have for them, then I pray for strength for MJ. Show her what the next step is. Help her not to look too far down the road, show her enough for the next thing she needs to do. Give her extra grace to be able to take that step. It’s hard Father, it’s so hard, she’s going to need your strength, your courage, your grace and your hope. Give her the words to tell her children, give her the fortitude to act rightly when her husband comes at her with unreasonable demands. Help her to see clearly and direct her in the way she should go. Remind her that you have plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future (Jer 29:11). Be her comfort in the night, her hope in the morning, her companion as she faces the day and her comfort when she comes home at night. Remind her that this is not her fault and that you are not punishing her. Give her grace. Bring someone alongside her so she does not have to do this alone. Protect her children and bring them safely through these rapids. Make a way for her even when it seems like every door is closed. Remind her that you see her and you love her and you have not forgotten or abandoned her. In your name Father, Amen.
My husband and I were together for 9 years with 2 beautiful kids. He went away for work for 4 months and came back and wanted a divorce the next day. While I was planning vacations upon his return he was living it up in another country. We are now separated, have been for 8 months. I feel like I am on a his constant rollercoaster, one day he wants to work it out, the next he doesn’t, however divorce is never taken off of the table and I feel like I constantly compromise myself and especially my body. I go through depression, moods swings, hair falling out, weight loss/gain and even wanted to end my life all because the one I wanted and thought I would spend the rest of my life with doesn’t want me or his family any more. He expressed that if I submit completely to all his demands he will remove divorce, and we would be a family again. I’ve tried that already and I was told I am too “go with the flow”. He says he has not thrown in the towel on us however, we lead 2 separate lives, we split our children’s time (which tears me apart) and now we barely speak now, we don’t do anything together any more. It’s not quite the typical ugly divorce where we can’t talk because we hate one another. We’re able to laugh, talk, joke, we still have chemistry…we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family even. We should be divorce within a month. I don’t exactly know how to press forward with this pain in my soul that aches more with any text or phone call. I fear raising my children alone as both of our parents did us. I don’t feel like I have control over my life and I am so tired of feeling as if this persons controlling it. Giving me what feels like false hope. I want my marriage I want my family but I don’t know how or if it’s meant to be salvaged any more. I can’t keep someone who doesn’t want to be kept…
Open to any advice…and definitely prayer…
Kate,
Thank you for your lovely, kind and thoughtful response to my rant. Yes, I listen to lovely contemporary christian music continually, play it on the computer when at work and on car radio coming and going. I like Chris Tomlin.
This is a wonderful site. My heart goes out to those who are in pain as I am.
I am confident God wanted me to see the truth of my situation. I offer my sorrow for souls in purgatory. It is in his hands today.
One thing I know is this person I am in a contract with is not honest and is cruel and selfish. I feel like I have wasted my life but then I see two lovely young adult children who love me so there is some good from this.
I will consider mentor.
I will remember everyone here as I pray nightly.
Love and Blessings
Dear anamika,
So glad to have you join our community. It must be very difficult to feel as though you’ve lost your self-respect and are only a maid. What sort of compromises have you chosen to make? Marriage is truly very difficult and I don’t know if there is anybody who anticipates just how disappointing the low points can be, but compromise is key.
After 17 years, I pray you do not rush to divorce. Divorce is very, very painful and will cost you, your husband and your son a very high price. Do you have faith in Jesus Christ? Do you have a church pastor or counsellor you can turn to? Some counselling might really help to give you a new perspective. You can also consider talking with one of our mentors. You can request one through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor. A mentor would love to pray for you regularly.
Dear Lord, I lift up anamika to You and pray that You would open a door for her now. Lord, she needs a drink of living water and some light for her path. Show her weary soul where to go and revive her. I pray that You would bless her as she seeks to do what is right and teach her all that she needs to know to make wise decisions. Grant her wisdom and a soft heart, a heart that is overflowing with Your love. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Grace to you anamika!
Kate
Dear New Me?,
I am glad you had the courage to share your story with us. I think the devil really gets a hold on us when we are quiet and try to keep everything hidden. He does not want us to know that there is encouragement and support to be had from the Body of Christ, he would much rather keep us isolated. I am also so glad to hear that you are still active in your church and following the Lord. He is so faithful, or as I like to say: faithfully perfect and perfectly faithful! Set your heart on Him and He will not lead you astray. God is pleased by our faith, not by our striving. Rest in Him and I pray He will grant you more grace to trust Him with redeeming the past, dealing with the present and preparing the future.
Do you have some prayer intercessors lifting you up? Do you have some accountability partners that are walking with you? Are you finding enough time to spend in the Word and listening to the Lord? I pray yes and amen to all of these!
Also, please consider talking with a mentor. You can request one through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor. A mentor would love to pray for you regularly.
I will keep praying for you and your family.
Kate
Dear Abby and K,
My heart is with you both. I have struggled through a situation similar to yours in many ways, and I have found that the mysteries of our husbands’ hearts are most troubling. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9). As I heard in a song today, I think by U2, only love can wound this deep. But, thank God, we can pray, “Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.” (Jer. 17:14).
I praise God that you are seeking after Him. Have you turned to the Lord with all your questions? What verses are you clinging to? On a day to day basis, we are to submit to Him. In obedience and trust is our salvation. Just knowing what the Lord requires of you and being sensitive to His leading at this time will take all the pressure off you, and put in the centre of His will, which is the most wonderful place of all!
When I was in the deepest pit and had nowhere I felt safe or loved, it was in clinging to the Lord’s word that I found hope. He spoke to me so clearly and tenderly, like I’d never heard Him before in my life. His word to me instructed me to stand up and fight, because we do not battle against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities, and so He started teaching me to battle in prayer for my husband and my marriage. It has been a fiery trial indeed, but because He spoke so clearly I know He will bring me through. Our Lord leads us all the way!
Have you heard the song “All the Way My Savior Leads Me” by Chris Tomlin? I recommend it. Get some encouraging music and sing to the Lord, even when your heart is breaking. He will not leave you to navigate these troubles on your own.
I pray for you all these things intended for evil would be turned into a blessing!
Peace to you, and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!
Kate
Jamie wrote:
>Thanks for the link to your blog Nat. I appreciate the honesty of your
>writing. Has it been as helpful to you as you hoped? Has there been a
>community of mutual support that has developed eith the guys who have
>visited your site?
Thanks Jamie. Although the web site has started conversations with several guys, it is not much of a success (yet!). The process has shown me how difficult it is to draw traffic to a web site without spending money on advertising.
–Nat.
Wow, I am not the only one. I didn’t think anyone could understand what this feels like and here you all are. I was supposed to find your site today.
Married 35 years, found out husband has been cheating the whole time. That knowledge has explained a lot of funny things that happened along the way but I always believed everything he said. Long term relationships. Always knew in my heart of hearts, felt there was something missing so I tried harder. Even quietly offered to let the marriage end discreetly as he no longer is interested in me but he swore there was no one else, even though he undresses every female he sees with his eyes and 9 out of 10 of them participate with appreciation even when I am present. He says I am the one with the problem.
Well there has always been someone else and I am the family dog, the doormat, the what’s for dinner and I now that I know what I always felt in my heart to be the truth I am being expected to settle, keep the relationship together, “for our marriage, after all”. Where were concerns for the marriage commitment all the time he was lying and deceiving with intent. This is not a once or twice “I could not help myself, I am sorry, it won’t happen again” but a way of life he feels entitled to. Self employed he can go where he wants to with whoever he wants to whenever he wants to and he does with no guilt whatsoever. He brags to me that he has never been a one night stand kind of guy.
I have been praying on this for years and God finally let me see the truth. I had always held out hope before that something I could do would change it and husband would like me again but it is not possible. God has let me understand that too, in baby steps.
I talked with two priests both said I don’t have to stay, when I said why didn’t husband tell me he didn’t like me or that I wasn’t good enough all these years, why did he keep this false life up lie when I asked him about it and both replied husband has the problem and the relationship is abusive. I talked to husband with my concerns and he told me I am crazy and I should see a doctor. Priests both said leaving is an acceptable option.
As other poster’s have said it destroys one’s self esteem and makes us feel ugly. And if we don’t stay in the abusive relationship then wwe worry God won’t like us either. Why didn’t husband give me a fighting chance. He is one of the cruelest people in creation. He has his life set up just the way he likes it. He says it is my problem. He has no problem whatsoever. I love God. I ask Jesus to be with me every moment and he is. It is us who make the problems. I deeply regret my marriage.
I have compassion for all of you who are in pain over your marriages. I pray every day for all who love each other to stay strong and grow in love and for those who are in troubled relationships to be helped and now I will add all of you. Jade, and those of you whose spouses have been honest and left, would you rather be in a relationship that is a lie? Your spouses were unable to keep their commitments but you will heal in time, you will never be as you were before the marriage, but you will heal.
I was married fpr thirty six years and my husband left me. He hasn’t called and I don’t know where he’s at. He refused counseling and in a span of five weeks he served me with divorce papers. He has totally rejected me and has dredged up things from the past that helps him make me look bad to others and has alienated his sons. He has totally changed his personality and I’m left holding up the family without his help. I can’t help but hate him which I’m sure isn’t productive. I’m trying to forgive him. But, I realize he’s only acting on the devil’s wishes. If the devil is real, then he has swooped down on my family and totally changed our lives. Why? I don’t understand why a God loving family man can hurt so many people without blinking an eye as if it doesn’t matter. What is the matter with him? I’m shocked and don’t understand his motives unless it’s the money he’s going to get. Does he have any sense of honor left? His son says he’s a coward and he’s being so unfair to us for not telling the truth as to why he’s made this rash decision. From my viewpoint, counseling would have helped so much. He just refuses to go. Is there another woman? I have no idea and am just tired of guessing. He has changed his cell phone to a private line and says he will change it again if I call. He’s being so stupid about all this. It’s costing in lawyer’s fees and emotionally draining to all. How can someone who “said” he loved me all of a sudden not love me.
Thanks for the link to your blog Nat. I appreciate the honesty of your writing. Has it been as helpful to you as you hoped? Has there been a community of mutual support that has developed eith the guys who have visited your site?
Hi anamika, let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors. They can help you figure out what some of the problems may be. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
i am female married for last 17 years.i am a homemaker.i am unhappy with my marriage.after compromising all this years…i feel i hv lost my self respect and just left as maid…i have 13 year old son.if i plan to take divorce what all problems can i face.
This one article has 483 comments in just over 2 years! That’s a remarkable indication of both the thoughtfulness of the article and the huge number of people who are struggling with the grief of divorce. There are some very painful stories here alongside deep faith and hope. I pray God’s peace on us all.
My wife has left me and I’m in the middle of the painful period, not yet able to see any higher purpose or hope. I started a web site called An Unobserved Grief, not so much to let out my pain but in the hope that other men in similar situations could stand in solidarity. It’s not a site that gives advice about solutions, but that gives everyone permission to struggle. You’re welcome to join us.
–Nat.
I have never wrote about this online. Please Bare with me. I am 27 years old. Got married at 20 to my 2nd 1st love. I always knew deep inside he was not the one. But with a new life with him and a baby on the way we got married. I didnt even have the wedding of my dreams. We eloped. I was spiritually grounded as a pastors kid but… he was making it with God slowly but surely.
To speed it up. In the beginning of out 3 years married he hit me with the “I dont want to be married anymore, I want to be single tip” This occured 3 summers in a row… even there was this young lady that he said he wish he had married instead. Imagine my pain. But I took him back all times. I am not mentioning that he was not a provider as he lost many jobs. So I worked full time to carry the load and it I never stopped carrying the load. Its not that he was using me, he just got comfortable.
To speed it up… I finally after 3 years of dealing with this I want to be married I don’t, I did something unthinkable. I went outside of the marriage and cheated. I couldn’t believe how easy it was and how un fullfilling it was. But in that single moment someone wanted me. I ran to 2 X boyfriends and one guy I didnt even know. The year later when he was packed up again and ready to go yet still living with me, I ran to this friend who was what I thought a friend. But he say opportunity and once again I fell into that trap. But this time it was gonna cost me. I got pregnant.
Crazy right? Now this whole time I have been attending church, even in radio ministry. I knew right from wrong and I am desperatly crying to get out of the relationship that is ruining my life. My son was born in 2010. Yup, I kept him even though my friend who impregnated me said get an abortion. I revealed the whole truth to my husband who still didnt know what he wanted that I had cheated and got pregnant. After long arguments and what not we finally got a test and my husband was not the father. I had one other child by my husband a year later.
This story includes terror. All this time he was not wanting to be married he had countless engagements with his X’s. But this time 2011 was the icing on the cake. I got a feeling and I asked him to move out. That same day I got a restricted call. It as his girlfriend saying who am I? Saying she loves him and they have been together most of the summer. Saying that while I am at work he visits her in my car with my children. Saying when he takes me to night school they are together while I am in class.
Now is the time. Now after marriage counseling, having faith, beleiving God for him to be the head. Now I file for divorce. He broke up with the one girl and got on facebook and all the girls flooded him. He connected with his 1st love and they fell in love. I had to watch him publicly talk about his love for her while he counted down our divorce. Welp!
Life has been hard. It has not been easy. I am 40 days away from a new beginning. I attend church every Sunday with my children. All 3 of them. I work full time and I am in school getting my degree. I am really tired but God has given me strength. It got wasy cause everyday I had to wake up! Everyday I had to trust God. It is still hard. But I know in my heart I have been redeemed and I trust God has forgiven me and I forgive my husband. Sometimes the pain is so hard I cant breath other times it makes me smile that I may have a second chance at love.
All my friends say, are you dating (we have been seperated for 8 months) I say no. I want to wait on God. My husband is out there somewhere, he will find me one day. Until then I will keep walking bu faith and not by sight! Please pray for me and my children.
God Bless!
Bonnie,
I do not know you so if what I’m about to say does not ring true for you then please ignore it. But when I read your comment the line, ” thought my x would miss us and come back & realize his mistakes, but he has never looked back.” really jumped out at me. Is it possible that you have been waiting for him to come back? Is there any chance that you did not pursue these men that you went on all these dates with because somewhere in your heart you hoped this situation was only temporary?
You ask how to move forward, it sounds to me like perhaps the first step would be to mourn the death of your marriage. You got divorced, even though it sounds like it was not what you wanted, the marriage came to and end and as hard as it is to hear it is extremely unlikely that he is coming back. He ended it and has begun a new life with someone else. I wonder if it would help to take some time alone and see if you have really and truly admitted to yourself that he is not coming back? You have to let go of him before you can open your heart to another.
You said that you feel like you will never be the same. That is true, you will not be as you were when you were married to him, that is over, but that does NOT mean that you will never be happy again or that you will not fall in love again. I believe that that is completely possible but if that does happen, it will be different. You are not who you were, this experience has changed you. Whether it has changed you for good or for ill is largely up to you. I keep thinking about this quote from Barbara Kingsolver that says, “To live is to be marked… to take on the words of a story.” This divorce is part of your story but it is not the end of your story.
Perhaps this aching sadness that you feel is the beginning of the mourning process. If so, don’t be afraid of it. It’s healthy and normal to be sad that something that you loved has been taken away. Just make sure that you don’t shipwreck yourself in this time of sadness. Feel the hurt, cry in a safe place, and then dry your tears and look toward tomorrow. You have a new story to write and a son who needs you. What happens next is up to you. I know that it’s hard and it hurts and it’s not what you wanted, but these are the pieces you hold in your hands. What are you going to make with them?
I have been on my own now for 6 years after an 8 yr very happy marriage. Initially I was doing ok after the divorce, just surviving & enjoying my new found freedom. But now I see that all my dreams are gone down the toilet. My x is not around at all and helps with nothing. He found a young girl who moved in with him almost immediately after the divorce and seems so very happy. I thought I would find someone new but it hasn’t happened. I’ve been on a hundred dates- I can’t tell if it’s me, the guy, or the fact that I have a child that nothing seems to work out. I am SUPER sad and feel like I am dying. I put on a happy face for my son and family but don’t feel like my life is getting any better. People just want to be around happy people so I don’t feel like I can be myself. I put my best foot fwd always but nothing has changed in 6 yrs. I thought my x would miss us and come back & realize his mistakes, but he has never looked back. How do I move forward? How do I do this alone? I feel like I will never be the same & I don’t know what to do anymore.
I have been in arranged asian marraige, of 15 yrs with two children, and husband and were not super at first, but over time i bonded with him and he said he loved me, and I loved him back. However, now he says he never did, and there is nothing common other than children. I asked to work on it, he said he doesnt want to, it is no use, however he wont leave, as he wants to not get guilt of his children having single parent. His father died when he was young. Mine divorced when i was young, I do not want to be married to someone who doesnt love me, and I live in seperate room from him. My children deserve true picture of adult relationship. My trust is broken< i want to divorce but with him not agreeing, my pain is expanding even more. I am praying and trying not to be bitter, it is too hard to breathe sometimes.
Good luck to all you brave souls and may we all find love within us to heal and prosper.
One of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is to give control over to Christ. We may think that life has ended after a divorce occurs however for myself even though I fought desperately to stay married Christ wanted me to be free. I had to accept this and allow God to slowly transform me as it was difficult but freeing road. God wants us to bear fruit and often if we are in a destructive relationship all our energy is geared to healing one person who does not wish to be healed. Colossians 1. 9-14
9 So we have not stopped praying for you since we first heard about you. We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10 Then you will live always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. 11. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have the endurance and patience you need. 12 May you be filled with Joy, 12 always thanking the father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. 13 For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.
God Bless.
TA: I was married to a serial adulterer who left me for the first guy she cheated on me with…20 years ago. Before we met she had been with a few married men. I was naive and thought I was the “one” and that the behaviors would stop. We spoke last week and she said I made her miserable. I had to think about it for a long time, and own up to my part. Jesus revealed his forgiveness ratio 7 times 70. I never got past “1″. I am ashamed of that, however I am certain that cheating is a capital sin to marriage and family. It destroys everything. Right now my son, who once held so much promise is faltering and failing at everything. My heart literally sags in terror and pain over what has happened to him. I would give up the rest of my days, so that he could have a happy and healthy life. A bargain to me, yet of course it can’t be done that way. I believe in family curses. My ex’s family has a long history of similar behavior, and she and her sisters were molested while young children. I bring this up because both the bible and modern secular counseling point to childhood and family as a major cause for future adult behavior. All the secular counseling in the world could not save her from her predilections. However prayer and bible study can help us. I pray for her daily despite what she has taken from me, despite what has happened to my son. I encourage you to submerge yourself in the word, watch evangelical TV (especially Joyce Meyers) listen to Christian Radio, pray for her and your children, be positive and maybe attend a divorce meeting at a church a few times a month. I know how it feels when a text or phone call grabs your chest. I have physically aged a thousand years since our separation and divorce, but I have become almost childlike in my faith. God listed those ten commandments for a reason, each and every violation of them leads to major problems in life, and uncorrected leads to generational issues ultimately. Jesus came to end that bondage to sin and self doubt. Chase him with all your heart and things will improve inside you. Focus on your children realize that they are a victim also. Just writing this has made me feel sad, however I feel certain that there are many many many others like us out there and fellowship can help us all. May God bless you in your trials, and strengthen you in your angst, may your ex find the peace that is lacking in her heart through Him that accomplishes all, may your children grow into a relationship with Him, who is the ultimate father of all and never wishes to see his children suffer. He will remove all burdens, especially those of an emotional kind. I feel better now with this prayer. I hope you will also.
I’ve been divorced for four months, separated for about a year and a half. During that year and a half there was an attempt at reconcilliation but it turned out that during my wife’s six week sabattical from our marriage she laid down with multiple partners. She then lied about the affairs in order to get me back as her husband. But her guilt bubbled to the surface and the truth manifested. It was more than I could bare. I attempted to “just get over it” as she and her family would say to me. Yet the pain of knowing my wife had been with so many different men in such a short time was not an easy thing to “just get over”. “It was a mistake. Why won’t you let it go?”, she would say. “Because you don’t make the same mistake twice. The second (or in her case: third, fourth, fifth, and sixth) time you make the mistake it isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice.” I tried to maintain relations but found I had been relegated to another notch in her belt. I was no longer her husband rather a part of her repertoire of men. The charade had to end and closure begin. I filed for divorce and fought hard to retain custody (joint/shared) of my children for which I succeeded. The days have often been long and difficult as I process the hurt and pain. Day by day I’ve made incremental progress. Somedays I feel my “power” viscerally; a heartfelt realization of my self worth. Then she’ll call or text to speak with the kids and I’ll find myself emotionally knocked back down. The other night was one such occassion. I obsessed in my head over why I would allow even the sound of her voice to destroy my progress. As I prepared to lay down for another night alone in my bed that little voice in my head asked,”If she apologized profusely and begged for your to come back, would you?” My immediate answer to myself was “No”. After all that has been said and done, all the travails and triumphs, and in spite of a lingering dull pain of loss and betrayal, I cannot go backwards. I must continue moving forward for now I am completely enthralled by the potential and opportunity that lays ahead. I want to see how this pans out. My new life with the new me that could never have come without the absolute destruction of all I knew. “Rock bottom sometimes turns out to be the most solid foundation to rebuild one’s life upon”.
my husband suffers from PTSD, depression, OCD among other things but he is a good person, a loyal friend and has a loving/giving personality deep down. I have always hurt for all of his issues and he is extremely voliatile/moody which instead of being straightforward
with him, I have always taken lying down. I did this only because I didnt want to upset him
further and because I am a pretty low key non-confrontational type.
this week he told me he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. he says that he has been struggling with this for a while and that we have nothing
in common, no basis for relation. I know he has pushed his faith and religion away these past few years and I have coddled him
and let him. he was the one who led me to the Lord in the first
place (which I am clearly very grateful for!). the fact of the matter is, we do
not go to church together, we do not pray together, we do not read the bible/devotionals together. I should have pushed it, but I was scared… I feel like he was not being the spiritual leader he was supposed to
be in our house hold. I have asked to pray with him, to
go to church/marriage counselor, and I even suggested doing an activity or
two a week that’s different than we normally do. originally he said he would try “but know that I am only doing it for your mental health, it’s not going to change anything.” However, when I brought those ideas up he scoffed. He does not want to
try and is unwilling!
I am terrified, because I am still deeply invested in our marriage. I love him very much despite his flaws and pain. I feel like he is pushing me (God, his family, some friends) away because he hates himself so
much. I know that if his heart would soften and he would open himself back up that we could
make this marriage work. I am doing the best I can, trying to be independent, praying, going to church and consulting with friends. However, it feels like I cannot breathe or function. I am having trouble eating, and do not sleep without waking up.
We live far from family/friends and it is my plan to move back to where I am from. but at the same
time I worry about his well-bring. Social isolation is a PTSD symptom, and I
am very certain he may be giving up on this marriage due to that. He says he wants
to be “alone”. That he can’t handle “being with someone”.. He told me he would
make sure I was set up financially, I could have anything/everything of ours that I wanted. He is being kind, but all I want is him! It breaks
my heart that he does not take the Covenant we said before God seriously! I believe love changes over time and at this point since we have been together so long, we aren’t neccessarily going to be ‘crazy’ about each other. But we should be very good friends, and I feel he has hindered that relationship by pushing me away. I am scared for myself, for him and for us.
I do not want this divorce, I do not see how I can make him change his mind. God loves him
and I have been praying for him consistently. Prayer is all I have right now.
hey! i just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone that writes coments on this website.
my divorce has come, it was sad at first and some days it still is but i have moved on and i am looking forward to a happy life with my children in my new home, the bond between me and my children is stronger than it has ever been and they are happyer than i have ever seen them.. there is hope and there was times i didnt think i could cope and that everything was going wrong but now i feel stronger and braver than ever before.
i want to wish the very best to everyone on here, keep strong and every thing will work out for you..
your coments have helped me come to terms with what i have been going through and have made me stronger..
xxx
Dear Mary Frances,
Since you know you are well-loved and we are all praying for you, especially that your faith would be strengthened and you would grow deeper in your relationship with Jesus everyday, I hope you will be able to take what I am going to say before the Lord and sort it out with Him.
I want to warn you that the way you are speaking about your husband is not right and is most certainly causing you unnecessary pain. When we forgive our husbands, as we know that we must, it means the slate is wiped clean. This is how God forgives us and how we are commanded to forgive. We are not permitted to keep counting and recounting their sins against them. Remember, God will never forgive you for lying and call you a liar! Speaking this way shows unforgiveness in your heart, and God will not honour that. Needless to say, forgiving does not mean you excuse every wrong thing your husband did. What it does mean is that you are choosing (it is a choice!) to show mercy, again and again and again, however often it comes to your mind, because of the mercy you have received from the Lord! Forgiveness also means you are choosing to get out of the way so that God can deal with your husband, as the Holy Spirit alone convicts us and leads us to repent at the foot of Jesus’ cross. Hanging onto unforgiveness leaves the door wide open for your enemy to come in, and guess what? Once the door is open, Satan will have a field day with making your moods swing and encouraging you to act out in ways that are totally unbecoming.
Put your foot down on Satan by clearing out all the unforgiveness and you will feel a change. You will most likely have to keep saying again and again, preferably out loud, “I forgive my husband for …” but every time you do, you will gain a little more freedom. Satan knows there is incredible, life-changing power in forgiveness – indeed that it is the most powerful force in the world for ending the downward spirals of pain and vengeance – and he doesn’t want you to exercise your power. Trample Satan beneath your feet and get in agreement with God!
Further, I want to draw your attention to the story in Joshua, chapter 9 and 10, and really encourage you to read it. In this account, Joshua and the Israelites made an unwise decision. The Gibeonites deceived them and rather than checking with the Lord first, Joshua and the men of Israel went ahead and agreed to something (Joshua 9:14). When they realized their error they wanted to attack and kill the Gibeonites, but they did not because they had sworn before the Lord to defend them. There was a lot of grumbling then, but they did the godly, righteous thing, which was to say: “We have given them our oath and we will not attack them.”
Please understand that this story is about you. You are now realizing after the fact that your decision to marry your husband probably was not wise. Now that you realize your error, you want to attack your husband and even ‘kill’ him to get him out of your life, as you say you do not even want to be friends. You are grumbling, but will you do the right thing? Will you choose the godly, righteous thing? Remember, you too have vowed before the Lord to be your husband’s helpmate and defender.
When we go on to read chapter 10, we see just what a difference doing the righteous, godly thing will make! Take a look at what happened next!!! When the enemy armies heard about the vows Joshua and Israel had made to defend the Gibeonites, they decided to attack the Gibeonites. (Of course Satan’s army will be furious whenever people make peace! See Joshua 10:4). When the Gibeonites became the object of attack, Joshua and his men were really in a tough place. Their vows to the Gibeonites meant that they now had to defend the same ones who had earlier deceived them! As you yourself have attested, it is no fun to run to the aid of one who has hurt you. In fact, it is excruciatingly difficult and will require us to muster all our faith in order to get up and go out on a limb for the sake of the one who has hurt us. But, this story leaves no room for doubt. God calls us to do the very, very difficult thing that we don’t want to do! And the story makes it crystal clear that when we honour God by honouring Him and our vows, no matter what the other party has done, He WILL honour us!
So, Joshua and the Israelites set out to defend the Gibeonites. Trust me, it is the last thing they wanted to do, just like defending your husband against the enemy’s attacks is probably the last thing you want to do!!! It is not easy! Joshua and the Israelites had to march uphill all the way (v. 7) and they had to march all night (v. 9). But what happened along the way? God ENCOURAGED them! God foretold a MIRACULOUS outcome! And when they finally got to the battle, God did what no one else could ever do, He gave Joshua and his men the victory and He saved the Gibeonites!!! Do you see?!!! If you will dare to honour your vows and defend your husband who is the last person you want to care for right now, and do it just because God calls you to, YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED!!! IF HE HAS TO, GOD WILL EVEN MAKE THE SUN STAND STILL!!! For your sake, when you follow Him out on a limb to do what your flesh tells you is impossible, He will stop at nothing to give you the victory! He will vanquish your enemies! He CAN DO THE IMPOSSIBLE – give you victory and save your husband too! He will never, no not ever, cut the limb out from you if in faith you follow Him! The one who honours God will NOT EVER be put to shame!
Dear Lord, thank You for Your word! I pray that everyone who reads this post will hear Your voice as You speak directly into their hearts and their situations. I pray that Mary Frances will know exactly what it is you are calling her to do, and that she will experience an incredible upsurge of faith as she sets out to do it – enough faith to keep her going uphill all night, for however long it takes, until You bring about the DELIGHTFUL, JOYOUS, MIRACULOUS victory You will for her and her husband! In Jesus’ name I pray! Amen.
Mary Frances,
Divorce is such a difficult thing to go through. I’m sorry to hear about the pain you’re feeling. You said you’re unsure sometimes about why you’re sad. Don’t feel guilty about being sad. As much as you’ve now come to the realization that your husband wasn’t the right person for you, you once hoped to spend your life with him. It sounds like he has done many things that have led to your broken marriage. You’re mourning the loss of the good times you had and the future you expected to have. Going through a divorce is a grieving process. You have all these feelings that it sounds like you’re trying to process right now. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? Seeing someone might help you work through the pain you’re feeling. I hope you have a group of people who are supportive of you. If you’d like, a good start may be talking to an online mentor. You can sign up for a mentor here. Our mentors are available to walk alongside you through whatever comes your way.
You ask where God was when you settled for your husband. Please remember that God always hears our prayers and he knows what you’re going through. He’s there even when you may not feel His presence. He knows your pain and I pray that you would look to Him in this time. I would like to pray for you.
Lord God, I lift up Mary Frances to you. I pray that you would guide her through this process as she gets divorced. I pray that she would feel your presence when she’s feeling sad or angry. May you be a comfort to her and carry her through the pain she’s feeling. I pray that she would find strength in you as you walk with her. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Miranda, I am shocked by the cruelty of your comment. I am happy for you that you came through your parents divorce well, but how could you belittle the pain you found on this page? The demise of a marriage is no small thing. People do not go into marriage thinking that it is temporary, it’s supposed to be forever and when that dream is shattered the heart bleeds. You speak as if discarding a marriage is as simple as changing your clothes. I can assure you that this is not the case. Marriages don’t ease apart gently they rip and tear and damage is done, sometimes great damage.
I have removed your other comment. If you can contribute something useful to the conversation you are welcome here, but if you are only coming to throw rocks at women and men who are already in pain then I simply cannot allow it. Perhaps you have heard the quote, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Take the words to heart. I hope that in your own struggles you will find more kindness than you have offered here.
I’ve noticed that I go through ebbs and tides. Feeling better, then sad [sad over what? the loss of a husband who was unfaithful, a lier, thief, abusive and manipulative???] Just this morning I was looking for a receipt and found an old aniversary card, one with the typical “love you always…” signature. I got angry and tore it up tossing it on top of the stuff he is still supposed to get out of my house. The feelings of rage and anger turned to anger at myself for not seeing the truth. I really feel that meeting him and taking up with him was the worse choice I ever made in my life. I often ask myself why – fact is I settled. I did not think that I’d find anyone as attractive, fun, interesting etc. who actually took an interest in me. Then I ask what was God thinking when he saw me making this choice. I guess I’ll never know. One thing though, I will never be the freind he wants me to be. I don’t get that one. Why do spouses want to be freinds. He is the last person I want to be freinds with.
you people are just a bunch of little babies, my parents divorced and even i wasnt this bad, i mean really people….talk about obsessed…
Dear Chris,
So glad that you are brave enough to reach out. What you are going through right now is incredibly, incredibly difficult and painful. My heart breaks for you. I want to begin by praying for you:
“Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Chris. Thank You that You are intimately aware of every detail of her heart, and that not only do You understand her suffering, but You are with her every step of the way. I am so thankful Lord that You are with her to hold her, comfort her and ease her troubles. Please help her to feel Your love in a real way today, and more and more everyday. Please help her to see the dawn that always comes after the night, even the darkest night. Please show her the way forward, especially when she feels that there is no way. I praise You for being the One who has promised to make a way through the wilderness and a stream in the desert (Isaiah 43:19-20). You are the God of the impossible, so things that look totally unsurmountable to us can be overcome in Your strength, when we put our faith and trust in You. Please help Chris to do this today, and more and more every day. She is Your precious child, Your beloved and Your delight. In Jesus’ perfectly powerful name I pray. Amen.”
Chris, I am 29 too. My husband left me almost two years ago and it was the worst feeling in the world. It felt like just breathing would kill me because everywhere I looked and every thought that crossed my mind was painful. Just like you said, even being around friends and especially the future were painful. I got through because I put my faith in Jesus Christ. When I let Him into my heart, He set to work right away. I realized He had been taking care of me all along, but in a way I had been behaving a lot like my husband. Even though I was raised in a Christian family, I hadn’t appreciated Jesus, I hadn’t loved Him best and I hadn’t put Him first. So, you could say that in my relationship with Jesus, I was the one who walked away and wanted a divorce. But Jesus did not let that stop Him! He kept on loving me and holding His arms open for embrace. As soon as I came into His arms, I appreciated Him in a way I never had before and now love Him more than anyone! Now, about a year and half after surrendering to Jesus’ love, I have changed so much. I see my circumstances totally differently and have joy and peace like never before. I have also been empowered by the Lord to do just as He did for me: keep on loving my husband and holdling my arms open to him, waiting for reconciliation. So, even though I would love to say that my husband and I are back together, the truth is we aren’t yet, but we also are not divorced! I know that with God my waiting and vulnerability are not in vain. As a result, I am looking forward to a joyful reunion with my husband soon! God is the God of redemption, renewal, restoration and resurrection. The thing that looks totally dead and gone, beyond hope, is never hopeless in His hands. Would you take a leap of faith into His arms?
Please consider talking with a mentor. You can request one through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor. God knows your name and is a God who speaks, especially through His word in the Bible and through people, so a mentor could really encourage and support you.
Most of all, you can count on God’s love. It never fails. Even if your love does, His will not! Turn over your broken, sorrowful, frightened, weary heart to Him and then wait to be amazed at what He will do for those who put their trust in Him!
God bless you in Jesus’ name!
Kate
I feel like I cant ever love again, I can’t stand the thought of him being with someone else one day and having a family with someone else one day that was suppose to be ours
My husband left two months ago I’m 29 years old. I’m so hurt, I feel neglected and alone, I feel so lost, now he wants the divorce, ive tried everything to get him back, I tried talking to him, impressing him, nothing was good enough, he kept putting the blame on me,so I keep blaming myself, I was a good wife and everyine keeps telling me that its him, not me and that hes the one who is blind, and they said I did nothing wrong and they see how he treated me how he drank all the time, which now he slowed down and ive been asking him for years to do and now that we are not together he did, he tells me its a little to late and I will never change when honestly ive never done anything that horrible to him, this is horrible, I cry all the time, I cant even get out of bed most days, now hes moving 30 minutes away from here, a few weeks ago he said he wants to make it work and be together and now he wants the divorce, im a wreck, I cant deal with this, I isolate myself, I cant hang with my married friends I get sad, im overwhelmed with bills, lonelyness, when I just wish he was here and to him this means nothing please help me
TMDAVIS,
I’m so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to go through this separation right now. The fact that your husband won’t explain what went wrong must make it even more difficult for you. Right now, you’re grieving the loss of the future you wanted. For that reason, even if your husband doesn’t want to go to counseling, I would recommend you see a counselor to work through what you’re feeling. If you’re able to find a trusted friend to go through this process with you it might help to have someone you can talk to. You can also talk to a mentor online. You can sign up here to start emailing with someone who will come alongside you throughout your difficulties.
I’d also like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for TM. I pray that you would guide her through this difficult time for her. May she find comfort and strength in you and in your promises. I pray that you would give her a community to support her and that she wouldn’t have to walk through this by herself. I pray that you would help her through when she feels lost and that she would be able to find some answers from her husband. May she look to your word in her time of need and I pray that you would carry her through this time. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Hello all,
About a month ago my husband of 12 years walked out on our marriage while I was a church. I had no idea that this was in our future. I have talked to him since he has been gone but no valid reason was given to me for breaking my heart. I am confused, hurt and lost right now. I have been praying that God will guide me through this situation and give me some much needed answers. I have asked him to go to counseling with me so that we can work through what ever it was that made him leave me and he said no. Lord I need your help!!
dear hazel– i feel for you. prayer-father God i pray right now for hazel for comfort and for her to find a good husband that beleives in you too, help her over this divorce and give her a peace that passes all understanding that you are in control even this, give her her hearts desire so she can remarry woth a man who loves her for who she is, i pray all of this in JESUS name amen. i am praying for you hazel
Wade V,
Thanks for letting us know about the broken links. They are now fixed.
Power to Change Editorial team
I am so fortunate to have found such supportive people as David and Kate, along with the rest of the group. I want to thank you David and Kate for walking the walk in Christ and helping others like myself in our pain. Thank you for all the prayers from everyone here. I will pray for all of us, that we may find the solace that we seek. I am sure it will be found through Him. Thanks Everyone.
I found this page after praying and then googling, “will I find love again God?” After reading lynettes words I have never felt so comforted. I am closer to God since my husband decided he did not want me anymore, maybe this is the lesson for me. I literally moved to the other side of the world for my husband,from the UK to NZ as a young 23yr old bride I gave up friends and family to be in his country, where I built a network of friends and a good career. I knew things were wrong in my marriage, but I didnt know how to fix it, in the end I learnt that he took the easy way out and moved on. I was hurt by the rejection, his cowardice and ultimately the lonliness. I isolated and I moved back to the UK, leaving everything behind me. I find myslef at 37, living back with my parents in country I dont know anymore, where I know no one and starting again. I want children, I want a loving husband, I want a chritian husband who will enter a covenent with me, but first I have to find the acceptance in my heart he is not coming back, I am divorced. I ask for your prayers to have God see me through this.
Wade:
I am with you and am praying for things to work out and your family to be restored. I know how it feels brother. Some days I think we will reunite, others I think not. I think it would be wonderful for all of us. I wish I had an answer. Prayer is all there is ultimately. God does love us all, he knows our hurts and hearts.
I recently posted my thoughts here under “I just wish” stating how I was feeling at the time. The hurt was still real fresh and I was bitter. The hurt is still very much real for me but I am not so bitter any longer and I am starting to come to the realization that I must move on. My wife has made it clear that she wants to move on without me and that I should move on also. It hurts as I see my 3 children in the middle of this and I need to focus on my kids. In my bitterness I stated that I didn’t want any help from my brothers and sisters in Christ and I was wrong. I need all the support I can get and I ask everyone to please pray for my family’s recovery in this bleak time. I hope one day my family can be put back together and whole again through Jesus Christ. Please help me pray that it does. FYI–the support links above in the original article under-”What are the choices you can start making?”-are not working. I would like to find some kind of support group to get me through this. Even though I would like to save my marriage I still have to face the reality that she does not. It is what it is and I need to move on somehow. But I will never stop fighting in the background for my marriage to come together in the future. I hope that makes sense to everyone. Thank You for everyone’s help.
Claire:
Well said, poignant and true, sad and fits my situation exactly. What I have learned is that morals and ideals shared, mean understanding. That is to almost say if you want a Christian marriage, you’d better marry a Christian. God gave us free will, what each of us decides to do with it is a personal choice. The Lord put us together, but free will from one partner ended it. The laws of Christian behavior are well written, and documented. The biggest of which are “love each other as you would be loved”. The Lord knows we tried, and mourned and suffered with regret and hurt. Those are our free will choices also. I hurt everyday, I pray every hour for his will to be done. I have some self conviction for my faults. But know for certain that I did the very best I could, and was unforgiving which ultimately led to the divorce. I could have chose to “look the other way”, I didn’t. Instead I would always harbor bad feelings about the issues. A sin for not forgiving. Today I have forgiven but am still mindful of the pain and destruction the divorce caused. Had I forgiven a multitude of indiscretions would my marriage have lasted? Forgive 7 times 70? There was but one Christ, I was a weaker man for my bitterness and have prayed for forgiveness as I have learned to forgive. A strong Christian based marriage and family will last because each is in constant forgiveness of the other. There simply is no room for lasting resentment.
Sandra, Yes, God hates divorce but what you’re missing is that many of the people that find themselves divorced hate divorce too. Do not assume that everyone who is divorced got that way because they didn’t pray enough. Many times one partner wants out and even though the other one does not want to end things you cannot be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you anymore. I suppose that you could refuse to sign the papers, but I’m not sure what that would accomplish.
Marriage is SUPPOSED to be a covenant that never ends and yes that was God’s plan for it, but the reality we live in is that some marriages do end. Yes, I have seen God work a miracle and restore a relationship that seemed well beyond saving but I have also seen women and men who cried out for years and are still waiting for that restoration. It is an unhelpful burden to heap on top of an already broken heart to say, “You should pray more.” We should all pray more.
This website is o.k. but it is only half right! Yes, it is good to not be bitter and depressed but the Lord Jesus Christ absolutely hates divorce. It is a covenant relationship and ” what God had joined together let NO MAN put asunder.” There are many verses in the bible that indicates that God does indeed change hardened hearts of our spouses and children or whoever! Divorce was only allowed because of the hardness of their hearts and in the beginning this was not so. Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. That is a never – failing relationship that never ends. You don’t go far enough to encourage the divorced person to stand in the gap for their marriage and watch God perform some miracles!! http://www.rejoiceministries.com is very good about this kind of encouragement!
Hi Jade, I understand the pain and suffering of going through a divorce as mine happened many years ago. There are a number of important lessons that I had to learn through the divorce. Forgive yourself as you can beat yourself over the head thinking all the things you did wrong. Life is not perfect and we are not either. Often what occurs in a relationship is that people drift apart with the business of life and we forget to put God in the center of the relationship. For various reasons often one of the spouses does not want to have a spiritual relationship. Forgive your spouse for leaving not for her sake but for your sake as when we forgive then we are free otherwise they will have a hold of us. Ask Jesus Christ to break the bond through his blood and with the Holy Spirit as often people think when someone leaves the bond between the two people will break only Chris can do this. Only Christ can break the bond that occurs through intimacy otherwise you will never be free and forever be in a holding pattern never being able to move on or let go. The MOST IMPORTANT thing that helped me was to constantly read Psalms from beginning to the end as the words have healing. Even though you may not feel like it go out and still live and always go to Church and worship him through the songs of praise. Over time things will get better but don’t dwell in the past move forward and pray that the Holy Spirit will give you strength and he will.
Lord Jesus I thank you for Jade as Lord you are the great healer. Lord I pray and ask that you will heal his troubled soul and that he will not dwell on the negativity of divorce but that he will seek you and that he will show his kids love during this time. Lord I pray that he will look to you and to seek a group of people that he can have fellowship with and that he will still live even if he feels like he is dead. Give him peace and bless him.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
God Bless
Dear Kate- your words meant more to me than you will ever know. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will read your post over and over again.
God Bless You Always.
Dear notsofast,
How are you? It has been a long time since you have posted here and you are missed. I have been praying for you often.
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
Dear Jade,
I can totally understand how that would be the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced. When God designed us for relationship, He purposefully made us interdependent. Our identities are built on the things we share with our spouses, as well as our differences. Going through divorce actually IS violence against our identity, so we do not just imagine that it rips us apart, it actually does. The good news (and with Jesus there is always good news!), is that God also designed us to be fully DEPENDENT on Him. That is to say, no matter what befalls us, He is able to hold us up, hold us together, bind our wounds and pour His own healing LOVE into our broken hearts. So, yes, I will of course pray for you:
Dear Heavenly Father, I commit Jade into Your hands. Lord, You know what it is like to be broken, rejected and alone, since You endured this all for our sake on the cross. You identify with us in our suffering and hold us near, as only someone who has been through it can do. I thank You for your intimacy with all the aches and pains in Jade’s heart, and pray that You will speak healing words to him: “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). I thank You that You are the God who speaks, and that You have equipped us to hear and respond to You. Lord, since You know that Jade has not had any explanation from his wife, please give him wisdom and understanding that only comes from You. Also, please bless him with faith so that he can go on. All our hope is in You Lord, apart from You we can do nothing. Thank You Father for moving mountains in Jade’s life and making a way forward, where there seems to be no way (Isaiah 43:16-19). In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
When I feel my life is totally out of control and I’m lost, not knowing what to do, I find great solace in reading the Bible and talking to God about it. Do you have a Bible you can read? I read online too, there are morning and evening readings at http://www.esvbible.org/devotions/daily-light/ To tell you the truth, before my marriage fell to pieces, I wasn’t interested in the Bible at all and didn’t think it could relate to me. I was so wrong! Again and again I have read my Bible and known God was speaking with me there. Sometimes words of encouragement, sometimes guidance for how to make decisions, and sometimes just pure love letters. Do you have any verses that are meaningful to you?
Also, please consider talking with a mentor. You can request one through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor. A mentor would love to pray for you regularly.
I will keep praying for you and your family.
Kate
I am a man who was married for 11 years–together for thirteen with three children. I went through a divorce about three months ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. She never even gave a reason why–just said she had been thinking about it for years–without ever verbally telling me. I just honestly hope that I do the things that I am supposed to–I feel like I have no control over my life, –and I will accept however things go–please pray for me