Life After Divorce
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Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.
In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.
This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.
“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”
Post-Divorce Depression
Has love betrayed you? Grief. Rejection. Betrayal. These are all natural to feel. Watch the video then let us know what you think or if you want to talk.
It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.
When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.
“I feel betrayed and rejected.”
The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.
The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.
“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”
80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.
I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’
Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.
What are the choices you can start making?
- Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
- Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
- Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
- Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
- Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
- Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.
You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.
There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. You can fill out the form below to start a conversation with a mentor or make a comment on the article below.
Claire, I hear a lot of wisdom in your advice and believe your viewpoint is completely consistent with the whole of Scripture. Thank you for taking time to invest in this forum.
Hello Kate,
I appreciate you taking the time to ask a hard question. It’s important to ask questions and if this blog is really going to help people, if it’s going to point them to God then I think it needs to be a place where we can ask questions. I think that there is big difference between being willing to reconcile and disregarding a person’s choices. Yes, the father was watching for his prodigal son and the moment the son came home the father was there with open arms to restore him. But notice that the father did not go to the son and try and talk him into coming home. He did not give him even more inheritance to pay for his partying. He didn’t even bring him home when the son was living with the pigs (even though if he knew what was happening it must have broken his heart). The father was eager to reconcile, but that could not happen until the son turned around and came home.
I am not a biblical scholar but what I see in this story is a father who had taken care of the sin in his own heart – he had dealt with his hurt and anger, his bitterness and resentment – but who recognized that he could not choose on behalf of his son. Those choices were the son’s to make. And in the mean time, the father tended to his business, even while his heart yearned for the son he had lost. There was still a household well stocked enough to hold a feast the day, the hour even, that the son came home. He did not let his life fall into ruin while he waited, praying that his son would come home.
That is what I was getting at with my comment to Mary Frances. I do not think that God is calling her to bankrupt herself because her ex-husband makes poor financial choices. I believe that she is called to forgiveness, as I am, but I do not believe that God would require her to stay in harm’s way, continually handing over more money than she can spare.
You asked if turning your back on an ex-husband would be the same as the religious people keeping the sinners out. In my mind, the difference is forgiveness and then also, independent of that, remorse and reconciliation. We are absolutely called to forgiveness with no caveat and no exceptions. We are called to forgive whether or not the other person shows remorse. In that, I totally agree with you. But reconciliation requires remorse. We see that even in our own relationship with God. God is absolutely willing, ready, and yearning for us to be in right relationship with Him. But that can’t happen until we ask for forgiveness.
In Mary Frances’ case it appears that there is no remorse at all and no change in behaviour so while she can, and must, with Jesus, find a way to forgive him I do not think that it would be wise or healthy for her to be in regular contact with him if he’s only going to take advantage. Lynnette Hoy wrote an excellent article that asks “Does Forgiveness Cancel Out Consequences.” In it she speaks about how while forgiveness takes effect immediately, trust takes time to rebuild. I think that the call of God is to be willing to do the work to rebuild that trust. I don’t think we are called to pretend that the break in trust never happened in the first place.
I do not know what road you have walked. If God is teaching you something then I urge you to listen to Him and not to me. God says that he has plans to give us hope and a future. I don’t see how that plan could involve putting your whole life on hold while you wait for someone who might not be coming back. Forgiveness, absolutely, but reconciliation takes two.
Kate,
I agree with your views. It’s the raw biblical teaching. Though I must confess, its not an easy road to forgive and do all the things Christ asks us to do like forgiving seventy times seven times especially in a marriage situation where emotions and mental wellbeing are at risk if one is with a constant and unrepentant abuser. I have walked this road ans still walking this path of restoration to my marriage after my “world” appeared to have been turned upside down with unfaithfulness several times. I forgave for many reasons including the stability for my children but also because my spouse apologized and asked for forgiveness. I’m happy I did cos I can see God working with us though I still am scared to be scarred again. Now my question is how can others who are hurtiing and whose spouses are not repentant continue to endure pyscological and emotional abuse. It’s a slow killer. And I beleive that if their spouses are not repentant then they should seperate to save. Themselves the agony, poor health that could follow emotional distubance such as being cheated on.
Again thank you all for this forum.
Dear Claire,
Thank you for your constant kindness and loving support of everyone on these blogs. Your latest message was addressed to Mary Frances, but I have been seriously pondering how it applies to me. You talk about cutting all ties, being independent, moving into the future without thinking of a husband as a husband… and all these things grate on me. I want to confess this before you so that I can be corrected if that is what is needed.
The problem, the struggle inside of me, is that I don’t see how these things fit biblically. Instead I see much of this as psychology labelled with a Christian sticker if you will, but not the gospel. The gospel is radical. The gospel is not practical or pragmatic, but radical. It does not leave room for me to set up nice little barriers to hide behind, instead it is a clarion call to vulnerability… not because God wants me to be hurt, but because He is my shield, my strong tower, my refuge, my warrior king… and because in feeling utterly vulnerable, being long suffering, enduring ALL things, in this MOST OF ALL I am drawn ever nearer to my beloved Lord Jesus. This is precisely why we count it JOY WHENEVER we face trials of many kinds, because the testing of our FAITH develops perseverance and perseverance MUST finish its work so that we might be MATURE and COMPLETE…James 1.
If I were, instead, focused on setting up the world around me so that I don’t have to deal with problem people, so that I am really ‘independent’, so that I am ‘moving on with MY life’ … wouldn’t I be like the religious people of Jesus’ day, who wanted to keep the sinners out? Who were so blind to their own sin that they felt justified in labeling someone else’s sin and treating them as ‘sinners’, rather than with the mercy and grace of Jesus?
This is a VERY tender point and one that the Lord has been teaching me so much about lately. You see, what I know is that the sin I see so clearly in others, especially in the one who has hurt me so badly, is the SAME sin that is in my heart. Since it would be very convenient to label my husband by his sin and then treat him accordingly, God has shown me how terribly self-righteous and sinful such an action would be. I am not permitted to treat my husband how his sin dictates. That is NOT how God deals with me and it is not how I am to deal with my husband; I am to always offer mercy, grace and forgiveness. I am NOT to keep a record of sins! A person may be any number of things, a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, etc., but I am no less those things… in my heart I too am just as corrupted, but my sin has played out in different ways. Worst of all, I may not lie to other people, but I try to lie to God. I may not have cheated on my husband, but I cheat on God on all the time, letting other things like comfort, ease, a full bank account or whatever take His place. I may not have manipulated other people, but I do long to manipulate God. I guess what I am saying is that because God has forgiven me MUCH, I do not see how I can justify treating someone else with anything less than unfailing love, faithfulness, willingness to give endless second chances (seventy times seven!) and stand ALWAYS ready to receive the prodigal husband home… in fact, not only stand, but eyes fixed on the Lord, whose eyes are fixed on the horizon, who Himself is more than ready and eager to welcome the prodigal HOME!!! Since the Father does not ‘move on’ and focus on His being ‘independent’, but waits expectantly, hopeful, faithful, should I not do the same? “Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect.” “Be holy as I am holy.” And though holy is much more, is it not at its least KEEPING my word, keeping my vow, though it hurts… though it sees me alone, rejected, scorned, abused, mocked, shamed… isn’t that exactly what my Lord would do?
I could say so much more, but I will pause here, though I am feeling a little trepidation about your response, and those of others, but trusting the Lord and longing for His light and His Truth, that I might know myself to be standing on the Rock.
Kate
Mary Frances, I am sorry to hear that house is being foreclosed on. I can understand why that would bring back so many feelings. As much as you can, try to disconnect emotionally from it. Your ex knew the rules the court laid down and he knew what would happen if he did not secure financing. I do not know if he made poor decisions or if he was the victim of a depressed economy, but either way, you already lost the house that you used to live in together. Perhaps part of you is mourning the loss of it again now that he won’t be there either. This is not your fault and I know it’s hard, but try to let it go.
I’ve debated whether or not to write this next part to you. I wrote is yesterday and deleted it, but here I am again today and it feels like it needs to be said, so if you can, hear me out. I think it would be much healthier for you to cut all ties to your ex. This means: he cannot store things in your garage, you do not give him any money for anything at any time no matter what. I think you should seriously consider changing your phone number or if that is not possible, you need to stop answering his calls. I know that that is a really, really hard thing to do. But here’s the thing – this man is not your husband anymore.
I know that’s harsh, but it is the truth. You are divorced. You do not owe him your time, your money, your heart or your understanding. You mentioned in your comment that you have been manipulated by him before, it sounds very much like you are being manipulated again. You are giving him money that you can’t spare. Why? It may be that you still love him, and I’m not asking you to stop that, but you need to love yourself as well. You need to take care of yourself and watch out for yourself. You cannot leave yourself short on paying your own bills because you paid his first.
I don’t know you, so you can feel free to disregard this if I’m totally off base, but it sounds to me like you’ve let yourself believe that he is more important than you are. You are taking care of his needs before your own, the way a mother puts the needs of her infant ahead of her own. That is a very unhealthy place for you to be. You matter. You are important and you need to be on your own team, you need to fight, to advocate, for yourself.
It’s a bit like someone who is dealing with an addiction. If you were an alcoholic, you would never go to bar and tell yourself that you can resist it, that you can just order a coke and it will be fine, it won’t be like last time. You’d avoid the bar altogether. You wouldn’t put yourself in a position where you could fail. You’d find a new place to hang out, you’d find new friends who didn’t drink, you wouldn’t let a friend store a case of beer in your garage. It’s like that with toxic relationships. When we know that we’re susceptible – to being manipulated, to letting someone yell at us, to being taken advantage of or made to feel terrible about ourselves – then we just can’t be near that person. Sometimes that means we just don’t answer the phone because nothing good is going to come from that phone call. You need to protect yourself. It’s time to cut ties.
If you can, call him and tell him that you won’t be giving him any more money or making any more payments on his truck. Tell him that he cannot store anything in your garage and that you won’t be taking his calls. Say goodbye and then hang up the phone. He’ll probably call back. Don’t answer it. And change the locks on your garage. I’d recommend having a trusted friend in the house with you when you call him because a call like that would be very emotional and I know if it was me I’d need some support after that. But if you’re able to do it and just cut ties with him you’ll free yourself to move ahead into the future. I’m not saying it would be easy, but it would be so much better. It would be the most independent thing you could do.
I will definitely pray for you, in fact let’s do that right now.
Dear Father, I bring Mary Frances and her ex to you this morning and I pray for your grace for them. You know the hurt in Mary Frances’ heart and you know the specifics of her situation and her ex’s situation. I pray that you would give her an incredible peace. You know exactly what the next step is. If it’s to cut ties, make that really clear. If it’s something completely different, them make that really clear. If what I’ve written to her is wrong, then I pray that she would forget it entirely, but if it came from you, if there’s truth in it then I pray you speak to her and show her what she needs to do.
We know Father that your heart grieves when a marriage ends, you cry just as we do. It could be that you will reconcile them and bring them back to a whole and healthy relationship. If that’s your plan Father then we pray for that and for the changed hearts needed to make it work. But if this is where the story of the two of them ends, then I pray for grace to make that transition, and for a clean break, for surgery – a total separation, neat and clean – so that they can both heal and not be damaged by what has happened.
Father thank you for loving Mary Frances so very much. Thank you for loving her ex and thank you that you see the details of our lives and you care about them. May they both feel your love in a strong and powerful way in these next few days. Mary Frances has asked that she can stand behind her independence. I pray for that for her, remind her that with you she can do anything. Remind her of the new beginning you promise in Isaiah 43:19. Show her that you are for her and not against her and that you are all she needs. Release her from any entanglement that would pull her back into co-dependence. Make her whole again, help her to see that she is beautiful and worthy in your eyes. In your name I pray, Amen.
Well my biggest fear is coming to reality…the bank will not extend the foreclosure date on the house my X is living in. The loan is still in my name. I’ve been trying to work with the bank for 5 months and the reason given was insufficient time to review documents. The big thing is during these months, while dealing with the bank, trying to get a loan modification, it brought up a lot of the emotions I thought I was over with. In line with all the hurt reserfacing, so has the co-dependent nature. He naturally is upset. The divorce decree gave him the house and required him to refinance and be responsible for the payments – he was unable to do that, hense the foreclosure. I question exactly what is it that has me so upset? It may be having a foreclosure on my credit – but all I have to do is show someone the divorce decree which explains it all. Its not like I am going to get a mortgage, I may have to buy a car but that again can be explained. Is it the fact that he will be storing things in my garage again? Maybe. But the biggest thing is the co-dependent feelings. He called to tell me he had no money in his bank account…knowing the person I was married to, it is likely that while he has no money in the bank he may have cash in a safe or on his person. Not having money in the bank is not necessarity being totally BROKE. So while I struggle against the idea of calling him and telling him I could give him a couple hundred $$’s I also remind myself that I’ve been manipulated by him before. Plus I’ve been giving him $ and paying his truck payment to the extent that I am now worried that my money will run out and I will not be able to pay the bills I am responsible for. I live by a strict budget which does not include giving him money. I pray that I can stand behind my independence and push the co-depentent nature out completely. Please pray for us.
Dear notsofast,
If you are still receiving messages from this blog, I want you to know that I think of you often, and every time you cross my mind I lift you up to the Lord in prayer. He is our shelter. The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10)
Your sister in Christ,
Kate
Dear Mary Frances,
Glad to hear from you and please do not apologize for writing a post that is ‘so long’! We are all here to learn from one another, and we learn so much as we bring all our heartaches and frustrations into His light, lifting one another up in prayer. It is a great privilege to pray for you, for your husband and for your circumstances, so that when He answers in ways beyond what we can even ask or imagine, we may rejoice with you! Our God is so good, and He is able and willing. Let us praise the name of Jesus, for He bears our burdens and in return we take on His yoke, which is light and easy. The light and easy yoke is a heart set only on obedience, doing His will, His way, for His glory and our good, both now and eternally!
May the Lord bless you richly today, you are highly favoured in the sight of the King of kings!
Kate
@Mary Francis,
The most difficult thing is to let go and with Gods help you can let go of your ex husband as God will take care of you as you are his child.
Lord Jesus,
I thank you for Mary Francis and Lord Jesus I pray and ask that you will through the power of the Holy Spirit have her let go of her ex husband as she is no longer responsible for him. Lord you want her to be free and for her to be free it requires trusting in you and allowing the banks to do as they wish and for you to take over the burden as it is too big for her to bear. Lord Jesus I pray and ask that she will find rest, peace, and comfort in you and to allow you to free her from her past.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
It has been a while since I’ve posted. I am doing well and adjusting to being on my own. Our divorce decree split assets and unfortunately the loan on the house that my x got is still in my name. he was supposed to get it refinanced in his name but he defaulted instead. he is living in the house and I am living in the house I had before I married him. I have been trying to get a loan modification so that the loan payments are low enough for him to afford. I want him to stand on his own and get out of my life. i’ve come to the realization that there are some debts that i will have to carry because he is not paying the 50% portion that he is supposed to. but i am afraid of what he will do if he loses the house he is in. we now have a foreclosure sale date and i am in such despair over this. i have responded to all of the bank’s requests for information immediately. they denied hamp because i make too much money [but I do not agree with how they calculated my monthly income - they annualized and you cannot annualize sales commissions] so now the bank says they are trying to do an inhouse loan modification. yet they turned over the loan to a foreclosure attorney. I called hope and they said this is all typical and that the bank is doing what they say they are doing . evidently they cant lie. the thing is i am allowing myself to feel manipulated again. the old co-dependent feelings that i have to fix everything are coming back – hello – he was the one who cheated on me and divorced me – why do i feel i am responsible for the roof over his head???? why do i feel like there is no hope andthis is the end of the world – i feel such despair but i think i am in enough control that i will not act on that dispair. At my age having a foreclosure on my credit would not be as bad as a bankruptcy. besides i do not think i can declare bankruptcy as i do not have enough debt. while the mortgage on my house, the one i live in is about the amount it is worth [see he started a lot of remodleing projects and never finished them - so if i tried to sell a buyer would discount for everything that has to be finished and it would not sell for the note]. i am current on all of my bills, but not without strict adherance to a budget and paying some bills with minimal late fees late – if i use any of my money to bring the note on his house current i run a serious risk of becoming delinquent on my own home and bills. rest assured if that happened he would say – oh well – we are not married anymore – i feel so dragged down over all of this. i talk to the bank at least twice a week – i report to the x the status, yet he will call me on the week end and rant about how he cant lose the house and makes me feel like it is all my fault and it is not. just when i feel like i am making progress i slide back – i’m also afraid that if he loses the house he will go back to drinking again and he is a violent drinker – it scares me – please pray for a positive resolution to this loan situation. Thank you and sorry this is so long
I think this devotion expresses well what I was mentioning earlier:
from the New Living Translation
“Though the wicked hide along the way to kill me,
I will quietly keep my mind on your laws.”
Psalm 119:95
encouragement for today
In the midst of danger, the psalmist dwells not on that reality nor his fear, but resolves to “quietly keep my mind on your laws.” What a wonderful, practical example for us to follow! In the midst of whatever dangers, anxieties, or fears you may experience, resolve to quietly keep your mind on God’s Word rather than on your experience. Spiritually, God’s Word is more “real” than your experience. Focusing on that truth will change your experience.
—Diane Eble, author of Abundant Gifts: A Daybook of Grace-Filled Devotions
Tom, In the weeks after a divorce it’s perfectly normal to go through a period of mourning and I think that’s what you are experiencing now. It may be that it’s not the toxic relationship that you miss, rather it’s the idea of being a family, the hope of a future together, the security of always having a +1 for events, the dream of happily ever after that has died and you’re mourning that. Something that you thought was going to be forever has ended even though you tried really hard to save it.
It does get better with time. As your heart starts to heal it will hurt less. I don’t know if it ever stops hurting altogether, but it gets better. I have never understood how some people go from a divorce straight into another relationship or right back into dating. Often it means that the person is trying to escape what they may be feeling rather than dealing with those feelings. It is much healthier to deal with them, you’ll have to deal with them eventually, but you can’t force another person’s process.
A good friend of mine often reminds me that I am not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings or actions. That is true for you too. I cannot tell you what your ex-wife is thinking, only she can tell you that. But I’m not sure that the answers would help even if you had them. You will always be connected to her through your kids, but her dating life, if she has one, is no longer any of your business as long as she is not putting the kids in an awkward or dangerous situation.
You need to focus on yourself right now. You’re navigating a whole new world as a single adult with kids. It’s undiscovered country so it’s going to feel weird for a while, but you’ll figure out what you need to be healthy and happy. If your kids live with your wife and she has started dating, set some ground rules. You can’t control what she does but you CAN have a say in what your kids are exposed to. As long as you keep the discussion focussed on what is best for the kids and your feelings about her actions out of it you should be able to have a productive conversation. It won’t be easy, but it is easier to have this talk now than a few months from now when your kids have seen something you’d rather they didn’t.
People deal with divorce in all sorts of different ways. As much as you can, disengage your emotions from her actions. They are not about you. She will choose her own path, you need to chose yours.
Dear Tom,
Dear Kim,
What we are all experiencing is the pain of living in a world of fallen people. We are all bound up in contradictions; all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all say one thing, do another, or know it is right to do one thing, but end up not doing it. It is the fallen condition of humankind, from which we can only be freed by receiving forgiveness of our sin and clinging to Jesus. In Him there is no contradiction. He is who He says He is, He has always done and always will do what He says He will do. We can stand upon His word, knowing it is TRUTH and solid. You see, that is what is SO extraordinary about the God of the Bible: He speaks and what He speaks come to pass, without exception. He makes sure of it. He is faithful, He is true. That is why the greatest thing anyone can do is look to Him, seek Him, pray which is to speak and to LISTEN to Him. What does He say about your situation? Whatever He says is solid, firm, true, SURE, and whatever He says He commits Himself to, so the WORD is the ROCK and He is the substance of the word, so He is our ROCK.
As long as we try to stand on our circumstances –whether delightful or terribly painful– our own abilities, our own solutions, our own surroundings, even our own logic, our own plans, our own expectations or feelings, we will be constantly up and down, subject to contradictions. To get out of the mess and morass, we need to look to Him. We cannot save ourselves, a change of circumstances will not save us either. He is the Savior.
In the simplest way I can put it, do not look at the storm. See Matthew 14. You will sink. Look at our lovely Saviour who is right there, whose grip on you is tighter than your grip on Him, and know He will never let you go. In His face there is only hope, light, love and blessed assurance. Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Trust in Him, put all your weight on Him, put all your eggs in His basket, He will NOT let you down. He is able, willing and faithful.
God bless you both as you listen to His voice, for His word is life.
Kate
Hello,
I have been seperated for 4 years and finally told my husband to move on because I can’t do it any longer. Just recently, he introduced our kids to his new girlfriend. It was ok the first time but the second time is what lead me here. I am completely devastated. My daughter came home from time with her dad and the girlfriend and totally lost it. She cried for nearly two hours stating that she wanted her mommy and daddy in the same house and that she did not want her daddy with that lady. I realized that I did not want that either. This was a tremendous blow to all of us because he would still come around my house often without calling and when he felt like it. I never stopped him because I still love him and enjoyed him coming even though we are not together. Well, once I found out he was serious about his girlfriend I felt the most betrayed and hurt. I had always asked him to just be honest with me and this girlfriend nearly killed me. I have wished him happiness and will not cause him problems in his new relationship. My problem is that the pain I have been putting off for 4 years is now here and so severe that I don’t know how to deal with this. I am resentful because I felt stuck with not much support for the kids. I have asked him repeatedly to get on a schedule with me so I can plan some me time and not sit and wallow and until now, he has refused to. He called tonight asking was I ok. I just completely poured my feelings out through the tears. We talked and finally I feel I got through to him and can get my closure. I know that this message is very all over the place but so are my thoughts and feelings. I don’t understand why I am having problems letting go because this man was abusive, irresponsible, and a good dad when it’s convenient for him. He suffers from paronoid personality disorder and has been violent before. He is not the “winner” husband and can never be but I still love this man. I have no intention on going back because I have already left too many times and nothing has changed. I also don’t want to get in the way of his perceived happiness with his new mate. I just don’t want to be stuck any longer. I have been afraid to be seen out with another man for fear of his unpredictablility. I told him to let me go. He needs to step up and be a better father and take the kids so I can be free to date and “do me”. He has promised to do this but I have yet to see it. I did tell him I release him and I will be ok but I could not/cannot hold back the tears. I don’t like this feeling. He is really a piece of work that is definitely not worth fighting for but he was/is my husband and the father of my children and I still love him. Can someone please help me to identify what the world is going on at this phase of divorce? Thanks.
Kim
Read some of the commenst.. Sad, and helpful. just wanted to express a little whats in my heart. wondering why I feel like this… I was the one that soughtand got the divorce. my ex was very verbally abuse, cold distant, and unfaithful. After years of verbal beat downs i had enough. yes conseling till it went out of style, ie didnt work. We have 2 children 11 n 13 who are doing fine in respect to the circumstances. Im just nelwy divorced, 6 weeks, im feeling loney and sad, as well as mad. Why after she rejected me with unfaithfulness and witholding herself, love affections, etc, do I miss her? or do I? im thinking itsthe family unit, as lonely as that was. is it normal to feel like that? will it ever go away. by the way, shes already out n about doing her thing. I wonder if she will ever regret what she done? I guess it really doesn’t matter huh? thanks for allowing me to express that. Tom
Dear Jesse and Jules,
I want to encourage you both by reminding you that the pain of the betrayal has been borne by our Lord on the cross. Every time that ache comes knocking, wanting to rise up in your heart, send Jesus to answer the door. I read this in a devotional recently and it is so freeing. Every time that kind of emotion comes, wanting to sidetrack you, whether it is anxiety, disappointment, fear, self-pity, frustration or whatever, just say, “Lord, this one is Yours to deal with.” Let Him get it, so that you can stay on track. You focus on His character, His goodness, His faithfulness, His mercy, His compassion, His forgiveness… and He takes care of the rest.
Now that you are moving forward, and I thank God and praise Him for that, there are some great resources. One book I HIGHLY recommend is called “The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs (a Focus on the Family resource). There is one passage that comes to mind to share with you now. To paraphrase: How would you feel if your husband told you he really respected you, but he just didn’t love you right now? Now put that shoe on the other foot, and realize that is how he feels when you tell him you really love him, but you just don’t really respect him right now. YIKES! Withholding respect is one thing we really, really need to avoid as we are trusting the Lord for our marriages to be renewed and restored; it is no different from our men withholding love, which can be fatally wounding.
With this in mind, pray about how to give your husband the repect the Lord commands (even when he doesn’t deserve it!). For example, will my husband feel respected when “I pretty much pay all the bills (My choice) and never ask him to do anything for me”? This is also extremely important spiritually, where too we are to let our husbands be the head God has made them to be (even when it goes against all our ‘I know best’ and/or motherly instincts) because actually God knows BEST and He has designed our husbands as the head, for our benefit and great blessing!
I hope that will give you something to take to the Lord as you seek His face and enjoy the outworking of God’s resurrection power in your hearts, lives and marriages! For with God even what is dead can be raised to life, and the tiny seed that is buried deep in the dark can be made to grow into a BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, RIGHTEOUS OAK, for the display of HIS splendour!
Standing with you, holding firm to His promises, looking forward to the great deeds He will do on your behalf!
Kate
Dear Donna,
I praying now in Jesus’ name that you will feel His loving arms pick you up and right out of that pit! Satan is having a field day with you and I am TIRED of him. God does not give us feelings of devastation and depression. God gives us truth, in His word, which is the double-edged sword to cut away ALL that is not of Him AND give us a SOLID ROCK upon which to stand. Get in the truth my sister! It is written that by the Lord’s stripes, you are healed. It is written that He has come to give you ABUNDANT life. It is written that in His name we are SAVED! Saved out of our past, delivered from our troubled, anxious minds and blessed with NEW hearts, pure hearts to worship Him. I am standing with you now and praising the Lord that He will hold you near and dear as you follow HIM, for in following Him we shall never be disappointed. Indeed, we shall have more than we ask or imagine, all in Jesus’ name.
God bless you,
Kate
Dear Rachel,
I praise God that you have faith and are looking to Him for healing. It is so encouraging that you are trusting Him for what’s best. Those who put their trust in Him will not be dismayed.
As you walk forward with the Lord, I am sure you will agree that it is not God-honouring to continue to label your husband by his sins. When we forgive, and we must, we trust God to do the convicting and changing. Saying belittling things about him is trap that Satan sets for you. Satan wants you to think that saying those things will give you some relief or revenge or satisfaction, but the truth is it will not. We are commanded to respect our husbands; it is not an option, it is a command. Protest as we might, God has put this command in place for OUR BENEFIT. As you said, God knows what is BEST and that is His standard, no less. Commit your way to the Lord, and He will bring the fruit forth in His time. Do NOT give Satan any ground or rights in your life. Press into the Lord and be obedient, for He is faithful to bring about the promises He has made.
Many blessings, your sister in Christ,
Kate
My heart goes out to you Jesse and Jules. Being cheated on is a horrible betrayal of trust. May you continue to pray for your husbands in the midst of your situations, that God would work in their hearts. He alone can make all things new and I have seen that reality in the relationships of others.
We do have wonderful online mentors who would be willing to walk this journey with you. If you are interested in having one email you, just go to http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
@ Jesse, I am exactly in the same boat with you. Your story sounds like mine. I now pray for my husband and my relationship more. Especially because he does not want to leave, he has now become active in our local church, in a bid to be a stronger christian. We are taking things a day at a time. I pray it shall be well with each and everyone of us. Amen.
My prayers go out to anyone and everyone who has been cheated on. That is the worst betrayal I have ever suffered. I still live with my husband because we have children and aging parents to whom we provide care and support. I found out my husband cheated on me when our first child was just a baby and then found out that he had cheated on me again with the same person several years later. I also know that the cheating was actually relationships that lasted 2 to 6 months each time. I chose to stay with my husband because he said he loved me and did not want a divorce and because I was scared to have that much responsibility on my own. Now, I pretty much pay all the bills (My choice) and never ask him to do anything for me. I surmise that if I were to get a divorce, this is what I would be doing anyway (everything for myself) but by staying married to him I have help with the aging parents and help with our children, not to mention yard work, repairs and the upkeep of the house we share. Plus, I don’t have to fight anyone for child support (He does give me money, I just don’t use it for bills anymore) and he provides more in income than I would ever get in child support. I pray alot and feel I am moving forward slowly but surely.
Divorce for many people feels like the end of life as we know it. The secret which I discovered to become joyful is to serve others. Serve in area that you love to do and be a comforter to others who are divorced and your heart will feel joy. God Bless.
i was divorced five years ago after a 27 year marriage. we were separated for two years. i was the one who moved out. three weeks after i left i knew i had made a mistake but we did not manage to get back together during our separation. i am devastated and suffering severe depression. i am 61. i followed him three times for work, leaving friends and work of my own. my kids are grown and out of the house. i find it hard to work because so muc hof my energy goes into feeling bad. i wish so much this horror would end.
Im divorced from a habitual liar and cheater, among other things such as refusal to support his spouse and family, though able bodied. Hes still at his Moms and his gals place, each part time. I have found loveagain as well. God does heal, he knows best, he knows the truth, esp. whom kept their vows and not.
Divorce is never an easy endeavor as many who are at the receiving end of someone that walks out or is unfaithful is devastating for the one who wants to make things work. The difficulty is to separate the emotion from the facts as when we are intimate with someone and have sex then their is a bond that is unbreakable. I have been at the receiving end of an abusive relationship for many years and I mistakenly believed that I had to endure it however Christ had a very different plan. She walked out with another man and we have never spoken since as my divorce was finalized a year later.
There is hope as one of the verses that helped me is 2 Timothy 1: 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline. Part of the addictive nature of being in an abusive relationship is that the circle repeats itself and the more that we try to stop it from happening it continues to occur. Christ gave us an out as he wants us to be free as people I am sure ask how do you free yourself from someone that has been a part of you for so long? For me the answer was to meet with a group of men and pray that the bondage I had with my ex-wife would be broken through the power of the Holy Spirit and during my freedom session I confessed all the sins that the Holy Spirit revealed to me and asked the Holy Spirit to break the bond which he did do. Yes counseling is good thing to take but I found that the Holy Spirit can help the healing process dramatically.
It is very easy to focus on the what if we had another baby or if I had only done this maybe she or he would have stayed. When we put our hope for happiness in a human being we will be hurt but if we ask Christ to heal us through the Holy Spirit then life is much easier. When you become free things won’t get fixed the next day but the inner peace and joy you have will be transforming.
Prayer with others is the most important thing and think of the future as Christ will guide you and walk with you as he has promised in Isaiah 58: 11 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well watered garden, like and ever-flowing spring. Often we as Christians the very last thing we try is prayer with others. For me the secret was first finding out why was I drawn to an abusive woman which I discovered after much prayer and meeting with a psychologist to discover what my inner personality was like as when you know the reasons you know the why then with help from a support group and prayer you will be able to remove the poison inside you and be healed. God Bless
I am going through a difficult time too right now, my husband is getting ready to leave me and we have 2 young children, my biggest concern is them, I figure I will be able to get through this eventually but all I care about is them, I am worried for their safety and well being. Financially I’m scared too because I am a stay at home mom, I wish this pain would go away, someone please tell me it gets better!
David, I really liked what you said about wishing that you had relied on Christ a long time ago, but that it is never too late. Having faith and praying in all things really is the most important thing we can do in every area of our life.
Jules, my heart goes out to you. Getting close to God is so important as you walk this very difficult journey. But you are also right in saying that this is not the time for a new friendship or possibilities since you are still married to your husband. Instead, it is fair to give your husband an ultimatum and let him know that you will not accept him having another adulterous affair and expect that you will just stand by.And through it all, press close to the heart of God, seeking His face and His will in all things.
We do have online mentors who would love to walk alongside of you on this journey. Just fill out the form on this page and one of our email mentors will be in touch with you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Rob D: I read your post a couple of times, and it fits me also. But something I have learned is the guilt we take on is not taken on by our spouses for their parts. At least not in my case. The children suffer and divorce is traumatic for them. A day does not go by when I don’t think about my ex..sometimes with some anger, sometimes with regret. Praying non stop helps. I also recommend the book “Jesus Calling”, its a devotional with some citations in it written from His perspective to us…his lost, and hurting sheep. I was in law enforcement for many years, I noticed you were in the military. Its hard to be positive in those careers all the time. There is the day to day stress, and of course the crazy levels of people above and below you that make you fatigued. We all need to have someone we can take for granted..not in the selfish way but in the knowing that they are there for us always…like our parents were (hopefully). For me its Christ, I wish I had really rel
ied on Him long ago..but the best part it is never too late! Have faith in all things and pray..open yourself up and release it all in prayer…and be thankful for those good things in your life.
Hello all,
I have been reading lots of posts and only been brave enough to write in here. I still live with my husband but I wish he would leave as I think in his mind he left long time ago and as such we are living under the same roof as parents to our 2 kids. I was pregnant with our second child when I first found out he cheated on me a year and half into our marriage. I was devastated and everything I believed in seemed unreal. I forgave him but I could not trust again, and till dates he has cheated at least 2 more times that I know of. The last I know in 2010, I asked him to leave as I felt this was disruptive to my growth as a christian, it was making me have all these negative feelings. He again refused to leave, saying he loves me and its a mistake. He went to see our pastor, and we started counselling, we went counselling together just 2 times, before he stopped coming under the pretext of work. Till date, he has not even taken me out on a single date, he has not sat me down ever for a heart to heart discussion. It seemed all he was interested in was to calm the storm that arose after I found out. I’m convinced he wants to live this serial adulterer life and still have a “naïve” wife to come to. I’m getting closer to God, its difficult too, but I’m moving on while still married, as I don’t want to be vulnerable as I was when he cheated, there are all the signs and I know he will do it again. This time I know I won’t turn back. I have tried to forgive and keep the marriage together firstlt because its what God intended and also for the children, but I think it should not be at the detriment of my health and as a such detached my emotions from him. Right now I don’t have any loving emotions towards him, my heart is open for a new friendship and possibilities, but I know its not time for that, so I’m just burying myself in God, asking him for help as what I really want is to be acceptable to him in my words, deeds and life. Please help y’all. Advice?
I mean still happily married and we are planning to have a baby the coming year.. I just feel so sad and sorry the baby is never happened.
thanks for your great advices. I will in fact meet my counselor tomorrow and I am ready to speak up for the termination of the session. I hope she understands it . Because in the past sessions I have to admit I want to hear something about my X from her and speak something hoping she will convey that message to my X. stupid..right.. Just still can’t accept the fact that he is enjoying life right now while I am emotionally and physically sick. We did have very good times and he did protect and taking care of me very well. I keep thinking if I could stop him from changing his job, then he would never meet that woman. then maybe we will be happily engaged to each other now.
Right now I am trying to find a new councellor but what is the difference of a councellor and a clinical psychologist? and which one should i choose to help me go through with me condition right now ?
Yan,
You are getting some pretty good advice here. I, too have benefited from the wise counsel these people have offered. Like you, I have an unfaithful spouse but mine chose to keep it a dark secret for 30 yeas. I think I would rather have found out after 8 years like you have. My husband has serious lovers for 5 or so years at a time so I came to learn. That knowledge explained so much that seemed odd at the time and it explains the distance he has always kept in our relationship. So now, I am at an age that is hard to start over. Our adult children work for our business and it is difficult to break away just now because of financial difficulties that would impact them – my husband wants to continue marriage. So I give it to HIM right now and think of children – take every day and consecreate it to the Holy Ghost and ask him to guide me. Boy, has he let me know he is there when I do that!
I had trouble getting my mind off the deceit and lies and other women like you are. I made myself say a little prayer at first, when my mind would go there. Then I got up to two prayers and then three and then I started learning about the Saints. I would read about their lives and ask them to pray for me, and they did!! I asked my Guardian Angel to help and my mind is now mostly focused on those things. It took time and I still fall into deep sorrow for a period during every day but I offer that for souls, like Jesus’ suffering was for souls and it takes the bitterness away.
I hope this helps you – it doesn’t happen overnight but if you persist you can turn your mind to beautiful, holy thoughts. We are so lucky to have this place to talk about this. Love and Blessings, K
Yan
Yes get a different counceler. You need to feel completely free and safe to be able to get the most out of your counseling sessions. If you have been going through this for 2 months, please give yourself some time to go through the process. It will get better and the hole in your hard will hesl. I know it does not feel that way now but time does heal wounds. Start with a different counseler and you may also want to check on a program called “Divorce Care”. They are starting sessions in many places next week and I for one am going to start one near my home because I want to be the best I can be and if going through this program will help me in the slightest way it is worth it. God Bless
yan, If you can, I think you need to find a different counsellor. As part of the therapy process it’s important that your counsellor be someone that you trust. You said that you’re holding back because your Ex has the same counsellor. I think that’s a perfectly reasonable concern, but it’s going to be very difficult for you to do the work you need to do in counselling if you’re always trying to not say certain things. Your counsellor will understand and may even be able to help you find a new counsellor to talk to.
Mary Frances thanks for your empathy and caring. Actually after two months keep calling him and begging him came back to me, I gone through a painful time to cut contact with him. It was so painful and like quitting an addicted drug. I packed myself with church functions, classes, works … yet deep down my heart, the hole is never filled …
I am doing a counselling ..but I don’t see it’s helping after these period of time…I am wondering if this is because I am sharing the same counsellor with my X… which there is something i never willing to confess or reveal my dark past to my counsellor ..I know of ethnical boundaries that she will be keeping secrets in front of my X..but I just cannot do this fearing that will be a chance my councilor will imply something I said to my X.. maybe i am too paranoid.. but I am also too weak to speak up and do anything about it….any opinions?
Yan: I fully understand where you are. I was there as well. I found that for me, I had to feel all that anger and resentment. I had to work through it. I will also say that the stress of feeling that anger and resentment was just as strong and intense as the hurt. My divorce was an odd one in that while we will be divorced 2 years this spring, it is just now, over these last few months that I am really feeling divorced. It took my X a while to move out and when he did there was a period of time where I saw or spoke to him almost every day [his actions not mone]. It was not until these past few months that I’ve felt a breeze absent or reduced levels of the anger and resentment. I found that counceling, prayer and surrounding one’s self with good caring people helps. It takes time and trying to rush it or ignore it is very damaging. When I felt completely taken over by it, to the extent of being scared by the emotions I was feeling I got right on the phone with my paster. This was an amaizing help and I firmly believe that I am physically, emotionally and mentally where I am now because of her. Remember that it DOES get better with time, prayer and support. God Bless.
hi brothers and sisters.. can anyone tell me how to forgive and wish him all the best when he is the one betrayed and left ? For months my heart is filled with sorrow, hopelessness and self-blame. And now I finally realized there is a deep strong resentment in my mind and it’s killing me… it’s killing me every second when I think of him with another woman and i am still stuck , i feel like no where to go but the memories and vows that keep my tears dropping. We spent eight years of happy time and he was the only man in my life . I pray everyday for god’s healing and hope….but the resentment and sorrow seems growing and never stop… please advise…
Hello Rob D,
I’m sorry you are going through a very rough time now. I see Kate has already provided an excellent response to your post. She has given wise advice, to look to God for healing and help rather than looking inward. When we look inward, we find more of the same. When we look up to God, we discover the possibility for something new and different from the same old-same old. The reason that I am confident in that advice is that I was also in the military. Military life is known to be very hard on a marriage and will either make it stronger or it will destroy it. It all depends on the individuals involved – and also if they have an anchor like a personal relationship with God. In my case, I stopped and turned my life over to God and asked him to correct the problems that I wasn’t capable of correcting on my own. It was after that that I noticed I was beginning to change and started becoming more like God intended for me to be. The problem is that change may come to one person and not the other in a relationship. Each of us have to decide for ourselves if we are going to be open to God. You sound like you have accepted that there are things about you that have to change. That’s great! You are on the right track Rob. I would encourage you to keep going and talk things over with God. If your divorce process continues you are going to need a real friend to help you through it, and that is what God can be for you. Often he shows his love and friendship for you through others such as a pastor, or Christian counselor. You can also get additional support by clicking on the “Talk to a Mentor” link on our website. I may only get one chance to say this so I feel like I should say it now – if you are at all curious about how God could make a difference in your life, please have a look at this page – http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/ then find a pastor or Christian counselor to talk it over with.
I know of others who have experienced the challenges of going through a divorce. A growing number of people have found a lot of help from others who have gone through it before. Now they have healed and they focus on helping others through it in something called a DivorceCare Group. Have a look at their website and then click on “Find a Group” to find one nearest you – http://www.divorcecare.org/
I want to encourage you to keep coming back here Rob to read more, to get a mentor, and to visit our co-ed chat room to connect with others who can encourage you. In the meantime, I have prayed for you and I will continue to do so as the Lord brings you to mind. God bless you Rob!
Hello all, so far the aftermath of divorce has been pretty brutal. We can’t seem to get past talking about the past. It’s always negative responses and constant blaming (of which I spent years being blamed for anything wrong). I don’t feel it’s necessary to bring up what brought about divorce. Nothing is ever solved when we speak about our past issues.
I am always compelled to call or text to see how he is doing but every time it ends badly. I always end up regretting contact with him, although I will be in contact with him for the rest of my life because of the kids. I’m not too sure what to do with this empty feeling and I just want to run away but that would solve anything.
I was recently told “if you had only said you will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work” then I wouldn’t be divorced. I honestly don’t believe that because even up to the morning of divorce I still told him I didn’t want a divorce, but I had zero control of stopping it during court. Divorce was always held over my head and dangled like a carrot, it was brought up so many times I was used to hearing it. It was optional because it was made optional.
One plus to all of this is the fact that it has enhanced my relationship with God. I’ve had to lean on him and trust so much throughout this whole process. It’s terribly hard to have faith of a mustard seed.
So would anyone have any advice towards dealing with the ex and speaking on the past? (Probably shouldn’t even have contact unless concerning the kids). Has anyone ever went back to their ex after divorce?
Trazee, thank you so much for your sincere comment, I know that there are a lot of women out there that can identify 100% with how you feel. One year, is not a long time, healing after divorce takes a couple of years, in the scale of trauma, divorce is second in how traumatic it is, second to death.
And how you feel is normal, the betrayal all over again, the other woman, the children in the middle. I must say it is noble of you not to bad mouth the father, I have seen devastating consequences on the children, when moms or dads doing that.
Yes, I can identify with that feeling of all falls into place for him, but I do all the right things, and I need to feel the emotional pain. But, I have learned in life, that nothing is as it seems. And that whatever one sows, one reaps, and you continue sowing in tears and the Word says in Psalm 126:5, will reap in joy… and also in Isaiah 54 (read the whole chapter) in verse 7 “for a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee” – the abandonment, the rejection, the betrayal, it feels like a God forsaken moment.
Dear Trazee, you will heal and be made whole again, with time, God’s love and mercy.
“Heavenly Father, I pray for Trazee, that your love will surrender her heart, that your peace that surpasses all understanding will guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus, when she feels the despair and emotional hurt, as she stands in a situation where she know the other woman, and her children visit them. I pray that Trazee, will rise above it all, as she mount up on wings as eagles.. Lord, thank you that you have brought her thus far, and you will finish the good work that you have started in her” I praise you and thank you for your goodness”
Trazee, I keep you in my prayers, remember, we have Spirit filled mentors who would love to spend time with you, if you feel the need to just share with someone. Thank you once again, for your powerful contribution…
Mary Frances, your post lifted my spirits. I hope that in a year I am as strong as you. I have faith in God and hope that He gives me the strength I need to get through this emotional roller-coaster called divorce. I too did everything I could to save our 25 year marriage. My husband didn’t. He made sure of this by being unfaithful. We have had so many issues that this was the last straw. I can no longer be with him because he doesn’t love me nor was he willing to work at our relationship. We separated last year due to other issues, after six months we reconciled and he promised that he would work on’us’ but he didn’t. It was just words. In November I found out about his affair and I suspect that there was more than one. We are divorcing and the hurt and pain that I feel is indescribable. I am struggling. I am seeing a counsellor and thought that I was doing better but I am not. I am an emotional wreck. I am living through each day but willing each day to end quickly. I do this because everyone says that time heals pain and I want this pain to end. I have a very small circle of friends and my family is supportive but I still don’t feel like this is helping. I feel like I am all alone in this even though they are there for me. He is getting on with his life and doubt that he even thinks about me. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in three months but I am constantly thinking of him. Sometimes I am angry, other times excruciatingly sad. It’s awful. Reading your post has given me some hope. Thanks and God bless from Nancy
Dear Rob,
My heart goes out to you. Since God has designed us to be in relationship with Himself and with others, whenever relationships are strained or broken we are going to endure intense pain and heartache. Since you and your wife are joined as one, being ripped apart is no less than violence. As a result, there is absolutely no way you can care for yourself or fix yourself on your own. You need the help of the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha! Have you invited Jesus into your heart, to cleanse your wounds (painful, but necessary), to pour out His healing balm and to bind up your brokenness? Only He can do so, and when He does so, He does it perfectly, with only the finest of scars remaining to remind you of His tenderness, compassion and faithfulness to get you through even the most terrible of times. Psalm 147:3 “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Similarly, since we have been designed for relationship, we will not find the peace we seek by trying to get ourselves together and find our self-worth. God hasn’t made us like that. The more we focus inward or on our own needs, the more frustrated we will feel. In the economy of God’s kingdom, you must give to get and die to self to live. Ask Him to show you where you can pour out your energies, because focusing them on yourself will always leave you feeling bereft. In fact, the feeling you express when you say, “it so hard when I wake up every morning thinking about my wife and go to sleep every night doing the same” is by God’s design. He wants you to know that as long as you keep trying to do it your way, to figure it out on your own, in your own strength, you’ll never achieve the results you long for. The answer is to do it His way, relying totally on His wisdom and His strength, and then He will pick you up out of the pit and set your feet upon solid rock.
I am thanking God already for your humility. It is a beautiful work of His Spirit that you are able to acknowledge your shortcomings and failures. Have you thought of asking God for forgiveness for your ways? Also, asking your wife? God honours us when we do so, and He is faithful to forgive, meaning that once you’ve asked for forgiveness you must count yourself forgiven because He says so, and then surrender any regrets to Him so that He can turn the dust and ashes into beauty! He makes masterpieces out of our messes, only invite Him to do so!
I urge you to remember that happiness that has to do with circumstances is never solid. Jesus Christ is the solid rock, and everything else is sinking sand. Though your wife may look happy, I wonder if on the inside she is like a small child, seeking love and affirmation… but looking for it in all the wrong places. We all have sought a saviour garbage heaps at one time or another. Pray to the Lord, ask Him to give you courage to be a man after His own heart, and when you have done so, let Him show you how to love and affirm your wife, and battle on behalf of your family.
Praise the Lord for His mercy and grace, may you be a mighty warrior for His Kingdom!
God bless you, you will all be in my prayers,
Kate
PS Have you seen the movie Courageous?
Hello, my name is Rob. I am in the process of a divorce. My wife and I were married for 10 years and separated 6 months ago. We have 2 daughters ages 7 and 9. The past 6 months have been the hardest of my life and it seems that almost everyday is a struggle. I understand why this is happening, as things weren’t great for a long time, but even through the hard times I always loved my wife, and still do.
She began dating within a month of our separation. When I found this out my heart was broken. Everytime I would see her she seemed so happy, so I thought that maybe that was the answer. I tried and dated a few very nice girls, but just wasn’t able to let go of my wife. I realize that I was just trying to replace the feelings I had for her with someone else, and now know that isn’t possible. Everything I read tells me that I need to get myself together and find my self-worth. I have been giving this a truly honest effort, but it is so hard when I wake up every morning thinking about my wife and go to sleep every night doing the same. I just wonder if this will ever end or will I spend the rest of my life thinking about losing her and all of the mistakes I made along the way to contribute to the failure of our marriage. I just can’t understand how she would want a life without me. We have our little girls together, I am successful, I feel like I’m a pretty nice looking guy, and I took good care of her and our children. I did make mistakes along the way, but I can’t understand how my mistakes were enough for her to want me out of her life. I know this is just my perspective of the situation and maybe I was a terrible person to live with. I was manipulative, not always honest, negative at times, and not always the easiest person to be around, but I don’t feel like any of these things were the norm. I spent a great deal of our marriage in the military, then got out and went straight into nursing school, which was very stressful, and no doubt had an effect on my marriage. I had always felt like I had so much control over my life up to this point. I have been very fortunate to have had the life that I was given. I can now admit that I didn’t truly appreciate it the way I should have. I took it for granted, and understand that this is a personality flaw that I have to deal with. I just hope that I can somehow find a way to deal with this and that I can one day let go of her. Until then, I just don’t know what to do…
K, My heart and prayers are out to you. Take care of yourself, be safe, emotionally, mentally and physically. My church family was and still is so helpful to me. There were times, one day in particular that if it were not for my pastor I do not know what would have happened. I called a couple of people and they were not home. I reached out to an associate pastor who knew a little about what was going on with me but not the whole story. Her help and being there for me and the way she prayed with me, I believe saved my life. I also believe that God knew that the other people I was calling could not help me that day. Not to the extent that I needed help. I believe that He gives us the tools we need when we need them. I also believe that He knew that if I spent the rest of my life in the marriage [although I did not know the truth] that His will would not be done. I am doing so much more now than I was doing before. I spend time in His word daily, I am losing weight, I am making good financial decisions [some of them difficult to do], I am making time for myself. I am spending time with my church family and other freinds. I pray that you can move through your door and that things turn around for you, bases on what is the best for you.
Mary Frances I really like your post, the part about the door to a new room and how it is hard to get thru with all our “stuff” attached. But it sounds like you have made it thru. I am still living with my husband, serial adulterer I found out – throughout the entire marriage. I am financially unable to make change right now – our children are employed by our business and we are struggling there, no funds to pay for a person to do what I do so I am keeping it together for them right now. I would prefer to be on my own and if business fails I will. Husband does not want me to leave. I am supposed to pretend I don’t know. He won’t leave me for others because he does not want to be committed to anyone. ME or them. He has had his life organized to his liking for a long time and doesn’t want any changes. I am using this time to grow in God. I have learned I have a whole new family, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, all the Saints and I can trust them.
I don’t know why he allows this but it has made me closer to him so it is worth it.
Thank you for your posts, Love and Blessings to you all
Debra P: I totally understand where you are at. I am close to my Mom but not my sister. I also live out of state. I feel like an outsider. So my in laws became my close family. So when my x moved on he took that from me too. My x from day 1 kept me hooked with “I don’t want you to stop loving me in case I made a mistake. This is an experiment and I may want to come back”. I think his desire for me to still be close to his family and his inability to let me move on is self serving in the event he decides he wants me back or needs money. If I am close to his family he can use them to convince me to take him back. But I am no longer that nieve spouse. If trying to be part of something you are not, in a way that you can never be again, is too painful for you; you need to do what is best for you. If I stay hooked up with his family and he gets married again I go through the same pain all over again. I went through too much pain to get where I am now! I have to severe all relationships for my own good. My x keeps calling me and trying to chat, I get off the phone ASAP. He has noticed it and says “I want to be freinds – you get off the phone as if you hate me”. My x’s calls start out with unimportant chit chat then he moves in for the catch i.e. I cant make my truck payment – can you and I’ll pay you back? I promise I’ll pay you back this time”… He is getting a little smarter lately as he will call – chit chat. Talk to you later, chit chat, then boom the chit chat and close for money call. Now that I know the truth about his hidden life, I no longer want him in mine. But I do miss what I “thought” I had. I spent 20 years thinking and feeling like I was in a mutually loving, solemate, honest etc. etc. relationship. I spent many years in the “dark”, clueless to the truth. My x was and is a VERY good actor. I spent 20 years in an award winning stage play!!! Its hard to shut off the feelings of missing that “bliss” even though the “bliss” was false. I look back on how I was just after the truth came out and the divorce; compared to where I am now. People told me it would get better, but I had to go through it for it to happen. God does not give us more than we can handle. He sees the big picture. He sees what is on the otherside of the “door”.
I have an analogy: We are in a room. Its dark, uncomfortable, scary, painful beyond anything we’ve experienced, it hurts being there. We do not think our lives will ever get better. God opens a small door. The door is very much smaller than what we are, with all our hurt, anger, other emotions, financial, health, loneliness and unreturned love, just all the stuff we are carrying as the result of our broken marriages, divorces, job loss etc., etc.everything in that horrible room. We are large: swollen up with all this stuff, much larger than the little doorway! How can I possibly get through this! But He says walk through this doorway, I opened it and you can get through it but you have to trust Me. So we painfully squeeze through. We pray, read, go to counceling, rely on the kindless and support from others. We do a lot of crying, lashing out. We do not like who we have become and its the most pain we have ever experienced. Getting through the doorway is just as painful as the original room! We ask God why the door is so small, He knows we need a larger door! But He opened the door and He was there with us in the room and as we sqweezed through the door. But when we get through that door we see that something wonderful has happened. We are no longer so large with all the stuff. We are sore from the experience, we still have to heal from the process. We still have some stuff but who doesn’t. The new room or space is fresh, like a cool sping morning, it is our future. God is right there in the new room too and He says, see, I knew you could do it, you just had to trust Me.
I haven’t posted on here in over a year. It’s been a year and a half since my husband left. I do have to say that with time and God it does get easier. There are times that my heart still aches, that I long for what was. The hardest thing I’m dealing with has to do with my kids. I have primary custody and they visit their dad on weekends. He is a good dad and my kids love him. He recently moved in with his girlfriend (she was a friend of ours) My kids seem pretty accepting of this. I feel betrayed all over again. I realize that we raised our kids to be loving, nice kids and that is what they are doing, it just hurts my heart that there is another female in their lives. I never, ever say anything negative about their dad or her to my kids. They are kids and don’t need to know all the details that will make their lives harder. I also know that I am their mom, their only mom, and that they love me with everything in them. It just seems unfair to me sometimes, I was the one who did the right thing, I never left them, I worked at saving my marriage and it seems as if he is the one that has everything falling in place. I know that I have something greater in the peace that comes from God, it is just still difficult at times.
Mary Frances, I so understand your pain! I was so close to my in-laws. My x and I married in July 99 and 2 months later my Mom died. My Dad had already passed so my new in-laws helped to fill that void of my parents. Now after their son told me he didn’t love me anymore and up and left…it’s very hard to talk to them. I’m slowing getting away from it but it’s hard. It’s like losing my parents all over again. My x wanted to be friends and we did talk up until he got engaged over the holidays. That just sent me back into depression and I too am in counseling for the divorce. I gave everything to my x and the grief I’m feeling is so overwhelming. My heart just aches and I do want him to love me again, but I know I don’t want to force him to do so and it’s apparent he has moved on. I think have a relationship with the in-laws now, for you and me both, are just too hard to handle and not worth the pain. God Bless you Mary Frances!
Debra P
Well I hope everyone handled the holidays well. I consentrated on the real reason for the season and surrounded myself with Christian Christmass celibrations. Not that there were not some sad times, especially when my in law called because they were thinking of me. I just am not in a position emotionally to “be freinds” and act like I did when I was married to my ex. Bottom line, talking with them just reminds me of what happened and its not healthy for me. I am seeing a Christian counceler and oddly enough they are not forcing me to deal with the anger and unforgiveness; but rather work through it, feel it and move on.
Lord God I pray for MJ and her family as they go through this divorce. I ask that you would be the strength that MJ needs to face being a single parent. I pray that You would protect the children from the emotional struggles that comes with a divorce like this. I ask that You would convict her husband and help him to see the way his choices are hurting his family. Lord I know that You can heal this brokenness and so I ask that You would. Give MJ comfort as she moves forward from here and help guide the choices and decisions that she makes. Amen.