Life After Divorce
You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Talk to a mentor today.
Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.
In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.
This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.
“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”
Post-Divorce Depression
Has love betrayed you? Grief. Rejection. Betrayal. These are all natural to feel. Watch the video then let us know what you think or if you want to talk.
It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.
When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.
“I feel betrayed and rejected.”
The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.
The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.
“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”
80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.
I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’
Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.
What are the choices you can start making?
- Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
- Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
- Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
- Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
- Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
- Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.
You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.
There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!
©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
If you are going through a divorce or if you would like to talk to someone about your relationship, we’d love to hear from you. You can fill out the form below to start a conversation with a mentor or make a comment on the article below.
Nancy, I am very grateful that my words have been a blessing to you. I truly do understand the sense of shame that you carry, but it is my prayer that you will come to release that shame as you allow the Lord to minister His love to you. As the victim of abuse, you have done nothing wrong. Fear is a powerful motivator, and it is fear that keeps us in submission to abusers, just as it is fear that abusers use as a tool to manipulate and control us. The irony in these situations is that fear often drives the rage of abusers.
As a past abuser myself, it was fear that was driving my rage: fear that I would be exposed as a fraud; fear that people would see me as I truly believed myself to be: an inept, inadequate human being who was incapable of functioning in this world. It was not until I allowed the love of Christ to penetrate my heart and to cast that fear out of doors that I was able to begin finding peace. In addition, it was vital for me to release the bitterness toward those who had abused me in the past, as well as to forgive myself and receive the forgiveness of God. I also had to seek that same forgiveness from those whose hearts I had wounded through my abuse of them, and be willing to grant them whatever time they needed to heal. The Lord has taught me a difficult but very important lesson: Trust is not an automatic right in relationships; it has to be earned. Praise be to Jesus that He is allowing that trust to be rebuilt into my marriage and my friendships today. I am now deeply grateful for the healing of God in my life and for His willingness to use me in any way possible to help others to find freedom, light, and abundant life in Christ Jesus. To Him be all the glory!
Brenda, your powerful & enlightening words have touched my soul. We so often believe that abuse is a man’s doing, it’s humbling to hear a woman’s account. I pray that in time my husband will fully understand that what I’m asking him to do is out of love, just as you understood that of your husband. Thank you once again for your words of encouragement. As your husband probably well knows, it is not easy to speak up & finally break the cycle of abuse. There is a lot of personal shame, for myself at least, in knowing that you are allowing your spouse to do this to you. God Bless your husband for speaking out & God Bless you for listening. :)
Nancy, I am so grateful to hear that you are receiving support and encouragement from a mentor, and also that the links I shared with you were helpful to you. You are completely correct in saying that loving your husband also means loving yourself and enforcing consequences if he does not seek professional help immediately. I can say this from personal experience, Nancy, as I used to be the one with the anger-management problem, and if my husband had not stood firm in enforcing boundaries in our marriage, as well supporting and encouraging me to receive and maintain counselling, I do not know if I would be free from the manipulative rage and emotional and verbal abuse I inflicted upon him and my other family members and friends for years. In addition, he supported me in reading the Word of God and in regularly attending a good, Bible-believing church, and this helped me more than I can say in learning how far away I truly was from the woman Christ had created me to be and being able to acknowledge and repent of those wrongs, seek forgiveness, and turn my life and our marriage around. It is impossible to say how grateful I am for my husband’s strength in helping me to seek Jesus and His ways, and for refusing to allow me to continue to treat him in an abusive manner. By standing his ground, he helped to saved both our marriage and indirectly, my life; in addition, he gave me the opportunity to truly become a new creation in Christ.
However, in saying this, it was my responsibility, not his, to receive the help that I needed for my abusive behavior. Had I refused to do so, I believe it would have been the right thing for him to leave me, as I was creating a great deal of distress in his life and literally causing him to become ill, both physically and emotionally. The stress of living with abuse of any kind is extraordinarily unhealthy, and it cannot be underestimated. The abuse is not any less dangerous because it is not physical or sexual. Emotional and verbal abuse has unseen stresses that can leave the victims feeling as if they are losing their mind, and the manipulative, painful tactics used by the abusers are often referred to as “crazy-making.”
It is my prayer your husband is completely open to the wisdom of the anger-management counselor, and that he continues to see this person for as long as he needs to do so. I also pray that he hears the conviction of the Holy Spirit, so that he may truly turn to the Lord and allow Jesus to heal his heart from all the wounds that are deep inside of him , wounds that are leading him to bring up such hurt and pain and to displace it upon those he is called to, and no doubt, wants to love. I also pray that the Lord Jesus holds you especially close to His heart, that you may draw on His strength, knowing that He is your Refuge and your Sufficiency, and that He will never leave you nor forsake you. At all times, may you turn to Him, knowing that He will never let you down, and that He will grant you the wisdom you need in every situation simply for the asking. May the Lord grant you His all-surpassing peace in Christ Jesus as you seek His guidance day-by-day in your marriage and with your child, so that you may walk in the comfort and love of Jesus, knowing that, no matter what, you are never, ever alone. I ask these things for you and your family in the holy and precious name of Jesus our Lord, Amen.
Thank you so very much Brenda! I am actually in contact with mentor Kathryn. Also, the links have provided me with wonderful information & have validated my stance. While I knew deep in my heart that continuing to tolerate my husbands behavior could by no means be “the right thing to do”, I was still struggling to decide if divorce was the right thing to do. I now understand that loving my husband means also loving myself & enforcing consequences if he does not seek professional help immediately. He is predictably acting very remorseful at this point, but I am not giving in to that as was my past course of action. He has an appointment with an anger management counselor tomorrow evening. I would like to say I feel cautiously optimistic about that, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up too high. All we can do is try at this point & pray that this is the correct course of action for us. Thanks again. :)
Hello Nancy,
Thank you for having the strength to write and share your pain so courageously with us. I understand completely how painful it is to undergo the process of divorce, and every person’s situation is unique; but what is most important is to follow the will of God and to know that, above all, He loves you more than you can possibly comprehend, and His will for you and your husband in marriage is that your marriage reflect His relationship with His bride, the Church. As our Husband, Christ our Lord is surely not abusive, nor does He want us to be as husbands and wives, and He gives us very clear commands as to how we are to love one another as husband and wife, as well as how we are to treat our children.
Nancy, I want to share with you some links, which I pray will be a blessing to you; each one speaks about what God expects of wives in abusive marriages:
http://questions.org/attq/what-is-a-godly-response-to-domestic-abuse-for-an-abused-wife/
http://questions.org/attq/is-the-wife-required-to-submit-to-an-abusive-husband/
http://www.resourcesforyourministry.org/Products/When-Words-Hurt–Verbal-Abuse-In-Marriage–(PDF)__CB011.aspx
If you would like to do so, Nancy, I also invite you to contact one of our online mentors at the following link; if you choose to fill out the short request form that accompanies the link below, one of our mentors will contact you privately and confidentially:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I appreciate your strength in sharing your pain with us, Nancy; please know that I will continue to be in prayer for you. May the Lord Jesus grant you wisdom, strength, and continued courage in the days ahead as you seek His guidance in knowing which path to follow. In the holy and mighty name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.
Hello,
I am a 44 year old medical office manager & mother of 2 (a 25 year old son & 5 year old daughter). I grew up in an abusive home & witnessed repeated physical abuse by my alcoholic stepfather on my mother. I left home at 17 to live with my 22 year old boyfriend. We married & had a son when I was 19. Unsurprisingly, he also turned out to be abusive with multiple vices to include alcohol, drugs & gambling. The marriage lasted 5 years & I left when he threatened to beat me “like a man”. The divorce devastated our child, but we managed to move on & I was eventually able to have an amicable relationship with my ex-husband. Approximately 7 years later he died from stage 4 colon cancer, 11 days after being diagnosed. In spite of everything, this devastated me & my now 11 year old son.
About 2 years later I entered into a relationship with a man who I had actually been friends with for about 10 years. He was the first man who had actually shown “father-figuere” interest in my son & we married 2 years after that. We have been together 11 years now & he too is emotionally & verbally abusive. Although he has shown much improvement in the last few years, he still reverts to his old ways at times of conflict. I feel that I have reached the end of my rope with him & feel I am doing myself as well as our 5 year old child a great disservice by staying in the marriage. I am deeply wounded by his continued mistreatment of me after all these years. And although I am no stranger to the devastation of divorce, I absolutely do not look forward to revisiting that horrible place again. However, I feel he has left me no other choice at this point. :(
One of the great promises that Jesus made was that God knows all that we need and loves to give us good gifts. So when we focus on knowing Him better we find that He heals the hurts in our lives and cares for the needs that we have.
Some of these marriages cannot tbe ever fixed but what I think everyone needs is CLOSURE…I’ve been in the same boat where the person I love doesn”t actually deserve my love but the way they left just destroyed me, left me with questions and doubt.
Even now one still sticks out in my mind not that it matters since I have married a gorgeous woman…I think they do it to hurt you and have you think of them…I also hope that karma rolls around and gives them what they gave others…As for now I push foward as I hope so many sad souls do…Keep the chin up and everything will improve with time.
In fact one day you’ll wake up and no longer care…I can’t wait for that day when the person I miss no longer means anything to me because in the end you can’t force anyone to love you back all you can do is hope they do.
Very well said article! The most important thing is to distract oneself from thoughts about the divorce. Many people fall into deep depression, because it is painful and represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Love is a strong feeling you can’t just turn off… but after a while you have to try to get back to normal as soon as possible. Go out with your best friends, go on holidays, go shopping, go to work,… just go in for something! Get your mind off it! In the worst cases just speak you out. When talking to friends doesn’t help enough than engage in an assistance of an online life coach (I can recommend your24hcoach.com), where I got tips for many different life aspects like loneliness coping, whatever else… Try to cheer you up and motivate you. Enjoy life and don’t try to force anything. Love your very self, enjoy the beauty of life, stop worrying and be YOU! Everything will be alright in the end. Time heals everything… time is one of the greatest healers.
@James I understand fully the extreme heart ache of someone leaving you who you have given your all too. There is NOTHING worse than someone walking out on you for another woman as it cuts to the bone. This year would have been my 25th wedding anniversary as I got divorced after 7 years so I have been alone for 18 years as we never had kids. My sister who married the same year as me son got married in December which is extremely strange as I should have in all reality having kids that should be getting married too! I have much to be bitter about as she walked out on my and like you I was beyond crushed and was so crushed I was very close to ending out on the street! Let me be bluntly honest with you.
First off for whatever reason she left is not your fault so FORGIVE yourself as if you keep on blaming yourself she wins and you will always be stuck in the self pity rut of woe is me.
Secondly DON’T shut out the world and crawl into a hole and stay there. If you don’t know anyone or have no friends then contact your local church such as a baptist church and ask them if they have a divorce care group. You will be amazed to discover that you are not the only one who has gone through the same thing.
Thirdly: SERVE,SERVE, SERVE and Server others! Why is this important for some reason when you help others and serve then your self worth gets a big boost as it helps you forget the pain.
Fourthly: It is critical even if you don’t feel like it read the Psalms, and Proverbs as well as get a group of people to pray with who will become your mentors so you can get rid of the poison n inside of your soul.
Most importantly DON’T WATCH PORN as Proverbs 15:14 A wise person is hungry for the truth, while the fool feeds on trash. Watching porn will destroy your soul and the combination of a very low self esteem from your ex wife leaving will drown you.
My friend there is help and there is hope as I look back at my life and even though as gut wrenching, heartbreaking my divorce was it was what set me free to serve Christ. You serve Christ then you will discover an indescribable joy that no woman or porn could ever give you. Find help via God fearing men and allow God to use you and you will slowly become whole again. God Bless.
Hello, I don’t know why I’m really commenting here. I’m struggling through an unwanted divorce. I am so in love with my wife. She occupies all of my thoughts. I’m 40 years old and I was married for 10 years. Once married I became a dad to two awesome kids she had from a previous marriage. Her and I had one together who is now 8 yrs old. My wife left just a few weeks shy of finishing nursing school. I feel so used and taken advantage of. My dream was to leave my current employment of 12 yrs due to the physical nature of the job and begin a new career once she started nursing. The divorce will become final in a few days and this past year of our separation has been devastating. Unbelievable Credit debt, the loss of my wife and step children, and the knowledge that she is in a relationship now with someone I was friends with has been crippling. There have been so many days I have struggled with suicide. I have very few friends, and no more family. Truly alone here. I try to be a good father but sometimes I just feel my son is better off not having a broken father in his life. I keep hoping that there will once again be light in my life, but the pain is just as raw today as it was back a year ago when she left. Again not sure why I’m saying all this. I could use some prayers. Thank you
Hi KC,
I wish I could tell you how long the process is going to take, but it’s different for everyone. I do know that it DOES get better. Have you had a chance to see a counsellor? When you’re in an abusive situation there’s damage done. Whether it’s physical injuries that you can see or emotional wounds that are hidden, they’re still there. From what you’ve written here it sounds like your ex-husband did a pretty thorough job of obliterating your sense of self. I think you’re going to need some help to get that back.
Don’t be afraid or ashamed of needing to go to counselling. If you had broken your arm you wouldn’t expect to be able to heal it on your own. He has broken your confidence and you CAN get it back but it’s going to happen faster if you’ve got a professional helping you out. It makes perfect sense that you would be afraid of rejection – that’s exactly what your experience has taught you. So you’re going to need some new experiences to teach you a new thing and a counsellor can help you do that in little steps so you don’t get overwhelmed.
You’re probably going to find that some of those lies he said go really deep. They are not permanent but getting rid of them is going to take some work. Not long ago my pastor said something that really stuck with me. He said, “You can’t fight thoughts with thoughts. You have to fight thoughts with words.” Here’s what that looks like. You said that your ex-husband spoke negatively about your appearance. So I would guess that negative thoughts about your appearance probably run through your head fairly often. Instead of just trying to think “I am beautiful” say it out loud. Stare at yourself in the mirror until you remember what your best feature is and say that out loud the next time that other thought crosses your mind. Hearing the words helps your brain stop looping the negative thing over and over.
Do you have a faith perspective? Because God says some pretty amazing things about you that you might need to hear. There’s a great list of all the things God thinks about you here. Print it out and read it often and it can form a base to rebuild yourself upon. Also, if you’d like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available. You can use this form to request a mentor or find out more about mentoring here.
I know that you are very hurt and confused right now, but it won’t always feel the way it feels right now. It may not be quick, but it is possible and just leaving your comment here was a huge, brave step in the right direction. You can do this KC. And you don’t have to do it alone.
This is the first time I have ever commented on a site or forum before. This sight is so uplifting I feel compelled to share. I have been struggling since my separation from my husband 1 year ago. It is such a debilitating and painful process. I used to be so confident and hopeful about my future. But over the course of my marriage I have changed. I am consumed with loneliness and I lack self-esteem. I avoid situations when I have to be around people even those who love me. I just feel so ashamed and worthless. I feel like my life has been a failure and no one will love me enough to stay married to me.
I was 24 when I met my husband. I was an independent girl finishing my masters degree. I felt that my whole future was ahead of me: career, a wonderful guy. Shortly after my graduation he proposed and we moved to England because he received orders from the military. And the beginning of a new and terrible chapter of my life began. He was emotionally abusive from the start of our marriage but I couldn’t believe it. I just wanted the old version of him back. I felt that it was my fault and that if I were skinnier like he said he would love me. I felt inadequate and worthless. Only 4 months in he wanted out. I fled England and went back to Oregon. After a couple of months he begged me to come back and I did. I felt relieved he wanted me back. I felt like his abandonment was a nightmare and this felt like a fix. But it wasn’t. I found out he had been unfaithful to me with many women from the time we were dating. Women contacted me telling me he had promised them marriage and lied to them. His lies ran so deep I was shocked. He Admitted he was a con artist and agreed to get help. He was diagnosed with Narcissitic personality disorder by a psychiatrist. But the relationship worsened. He wouldn’t acknowledge me or talk to me. When I asked him why or cried out for his attention he told me it was my fault for not being attractive enough. After a while I started to believe him. I was living overseas and isolated from family and friends. The few friends we had together he told lies about me to cover up his lies and to set himself up for leaving me. I found out he had even told them I had no education, that even though I might look pretty on the outside he told them I was not really. I knew he was abusive but after awhile I started believing I was worthless. I just wanted him to love me to validate that I’m worth it. He continued abusing me and cheated on me. After 3 years I left. I didn’t even want to leave. My future looked hopeless. I had given up my career and my life and I didn’t know how to believe in myself. My friends and family convinced me to go. I knew it was the right thing but I didn’t feel good. I just felt worthless that this man had treated me this way and I stuck by him, And he didn’t want me. He was so good at fooling people around him. But his ex wife shared a similar story with me and I knew that his abuse was real. How could he fool everyone? Now I am alone. I know I deserve better but I don’t feel it if that makes sense. I know there are lessons to learn from bad things. But some lessons I just wish I never had to learn. I can barely remember the smart confident independent girl I used to be. I want her back but this experience haunts me. I try to tell mysf positive things but I have yet to believe them. I gave up my career, I almost don’t even believe in myself enough to get a job. To everyone around me it doesn’t make sense but I am just so deeply afraid of rejection. I don’t want to be alone but I’m so afraid of meeting someone. When will it get better? I thought a year would heal me more than this.
I too am very sorry that you are going through this. I would like to suggest a book that I found to be extremely helpful… “Living Happier After: 20 Women Talk About Life After Divorce” by Wilma Jones. The women in this book speak about their mindset during and immediately following the breakup like no other book. Sometimes reading other people’s stories can be very educational and comforting. I know it was for me. Good luck to you…
http://www.livinghappierafter.com/
I agree with Jamie when you read that someone/anyone here would indicate that in a decade or more they can’t remember one happy day. That is sad but time for a new life, new adventure. Personally I enjoyed being married. I worked hard at ensuring my wife and son were happy ever before myself but that is what made me happy – taking care of them. Great discussion here and very enjoyable to see others not only working through this via the Lord but also that they are focusing on the right things instead of the hurt, pain, etc. Each day gets better – that I can promise any of you who are just now going through all this.
I read your comment TCandle with both joy and sadness in my heart. My heart breaks when I hear you say that you cannot remember any happy days in your marriage. That is not the way that marriage is supposed to be and I cannot imagine surviving through that kind of misery.
But at the same time, I am amazed that you still choose to thank God and that you have found joy in your children. I know that the joy that comes from knowing, loving and being loved by God is the deepest most satisfying joy. I also know that when a mother finds joy in her children she gives them a wonderful gift.
Lord God I pray that You would bless TCandle with continued joy in You and in her children. Supply her needs so that she is able to provide for her family and that they can be free from the anxiety that comes from having too little. I pray that TCandle’s thankfulness would be a character trait that would be passed down to her children and they too would grow to know You and love You. In Jesus’ name, amen.
I am 32 old and I was divorced 1 month ago. I am with my 2 children (8 years and 2 years). It is good or bad, I do not feel any pain in the heart at all. I was married during 10 year and you someone asks me to remember one happy day in my life, I cannot remember any (I do not count 2 extraordinary and happiest days, when I give birth to my children). Thanks God, I have healthy children, I am health also, I have my private flat, I have job. I am ready to work hard, earn more and give good future education to my children. Maybe in the future, I will find somewhere the person who will love me and whom I will love also. Let’s see. ? I wish that you all who have read my massage be healthy and happy. Have a nice life ?
Divorced Man, So glad that you enjoy our site. Thank you for sharing with us the wonderful testimony of you move on in life after your divorce. As you had stated it was tough going through it but you made it through, learned a great deal and you are much better now. One of the best parts of your comment is “I’ve been reborn and it has made me into someone that others want to be around again” Amen That is wonderful!!!!
This is a fantastic website. I will say that I have now been divorced over a year and a half. We were separated a year prior and have a young son. The divorce and the process were devastating and sent a lot of challenges along the way. I will tell those who are still struggling with divorce that if you believe, have faith, rely on the Lord, focus on improving yourself, surround yourself with the right people, and pick yourself up and move forward you can create a wonderful life.
I have personally been happier once I got up and dusted myself off. Life and the divorce still brings about many challenges each day but b/c I remained focused on myself and those who loved me, I was able to learn how to trust in God and manage my emotions.
I’ve been reborn and it has made me into someone that others want to be around again.
Prayers go out to those of you who are battling situations outside of your control!!!
Joe
I am so incredibly humbled by all the responses to my post. To all of you are in similar circumstances, my empathies and prayers are with you.
I have been a believer since I was 5 and have always had a strong faith in God, but I have grown in Him tremendously during this time. These days, there is no choice but to live by faith. I haven’t the funds as yet to pay my August rent and will be talking to the office on Sunday to hopefully make some arrangements. It’s definitely scary but, I know that God is in charge and He will take care of me as He always has. I have two job interviews lined up this coming week, which is amazing, as they happened very quickly.
Again, thank you all for your prayers and support and mine are with you all, my sisters in Christ, as you go through similar circumstances, as well as those who are still suffering at the hands of their abusive husbands. God bless and keep you all.
Lord God I pray for my sister Sally as she is feeling overwhelmed by the strain of anger from her husband and uncertainty of her future. I pray that she would have confidence in Your promise that through the strength of Jesus she can face anything. I pray that she would have her eyes, ears and heart focussed on knowing You so that she can take advantage of Your provision in her life. I pray that she would have godly people that surround her and love her in word and deed.
I pray for her husband as well that he would see the destructiveness of his anger and be able to look to Your Son to set him free from that. Would you bring peace to their relationship. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Sally…I’m so sorry you are going through all this heartache. God loves you so much and does have a future planned for you…one of hope(Jeremiah 29:11). I know it’s hard to believe that right now, but continue trusting and having faith in His awesome power. He’s holding you tighter than ever right now.
I keep trying to remind myself of that as well…I too am battling a bitter divorce. I’m in my late 30′s, married for 11 years with two young, beautiful daughters. We’ve been struggling for the past two years at our marriage, but he decided to file for divorce in April, 2012 because he was ready to move on with his life with another woman. He claims she’s an amazing woman that makes him a better person and is constantly around my girls. However, he’s been dragging out our divorce because he will not agree to ANYTHING in the papers. I have the children a majority of the time, but did not ask for support and accomodated his requests to make changes…yet he still refuses to sign. I’m trying to let him get on with his life, I am really not sure what else he wants from me. I pray daily for strength, peace, and acceptance of my life without my husband. It’s so hard to do, but I trust in the Lord to provide and He will…one way or another, I am sure of that. Sally, you need to be sure of that too!!! You’re not alone sister..this site is a great community of faith and support. Take care!
to Sally, Ouch!!! I am praying for you. Holy Saint Joseph, intercede for Sally and ask our Lord to give her what she needs right now in her time of need. You know what is best. Amen
I too am in 60′s, going thru a difficult time. Discovered husband is a narcissist – with sex addiction which explains everything. I found support from counseling and friends. Do you have friends you can talk to. I pray for my husband, I have offered him a divorce but he declined.
There are wise, kind people here.
Blessings, K
I lost my job of 13-1/2 years on 12/31/2008 and on 01/01/2009 my alcoholic husband requested that I vacate his life and his house. I moved several hundred miles away to our very rustic vacation home and lived there for three years. It has been a long process, and bitter on his part, but on July 24th, our divorce was finalized. He had hired an expensive divorce attorney and fought me every step of the way. I was awarded spousal support in October, 2011 and at the trial in July, he produced a fraudulent document and had the order set aside. I now have no income, my rent is due now and I have no money to pay it. In addition, I had to borrow money to make the trip to the trial, which was 1100 miles away and I now have no means to repay the loans.There has been a lot going on in the interim, but it has been a very nasty divorce because of his endeavors.
I do not hate him, but I am just devastated that after 20 years of being with him that he can hate me this much when I was a good wife to him and mother to his sons (my stepsons.) I’m 60 and my birthday is in three weeks, I am finding it impossible to obtain employment and I think he deliberately did this to make my birthday as miserable as possible.
I have a strong faith in God and He has always provided for me, but He has asked me to do things during the course of my life that have sometimes been more than I could handle. I don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong that stuff like this keeps happening to me, if I knew, I would surely change my actions. I’m sure God has yet another lesson in this for me, but I’m just getting kind of burnt out on lessons. It’s been a really tough time since I had to leave and I’m getting very tired of the constant struggle.
The level of hatred he feels for me is beyond my comprehension. This is my third and last marriage. My first turned out to be gay, the second was destroyed by his family, and now this. I’m just done with relationships and marriage, but it sure does hurt when someone with whom you’ve shared a life for 20 years is so vindictive and filled with hatred toward you. And I have no idea how I’m going to find a job, they aren’t exactly abundant, especially at my age.
Dear Heavenly Father, I also lift up to You the men who left Grace and Ruth. May they very soon seek You, and ask what plans You have for their “new” lives. We think especially of Ruth’s former husband, who thinks life is all partying & fun. Help him to see the other side of the coin, ask forgiveness for the hurts he’s caused, and give support money to his former family. YOU should not be left out of any marriage, for each person is precious in Your sight. Thanking You again for helping us to pick up the pieces, and for the Spiritual growth that we are blessed to have been privileged to experience. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Hi Ruth, I actually found it refreshing to read of your recovery! Sad that life is so difficult when money is scarce, yet even that can be character-building. You and the girls are blessed to have each other. You say that you are “..ready for men friends … Are they all taken?” My answer is: Ask God to show you who’s out there. May he be ready to lift you into the relaxation and fun that you’re missing. Who knows what a blessing you and the girls can be to a lonely heart (and vice versa)!
The healing process takes time, and that void you now feel will, in God’s perfect timing, be filled by that special person you are to share your life with. You could even make a list of the qualities you would like to see in this man that is to fill the present void. Picture him in your mind, and thank God in advance that he will be looking for you.
Grace, I am with you in thanking the Lord for blessing you! You are right: it is “how we choose to see it (change) makes all the difference.” It seems that we sometimes need to go through a deep valley where there is discomfort and even danger, but that is where the fresh water flows and where we can gather new strength to climb up the other bank (to greener pastures). So, drink deeply from the Water Of Life, and thank God for giving you what is needed to handle greater responsibilities.
Dear God, we thank You today for helping us one-step-at-a-time to recover from set-backs. Even more than that, we thank You for making us a blessing to others. Help all who read this to know and feel that You are with us in the valley of difficulties. When tears and loneliness are the order for the day, then You are closer than ever! Thank You, Lord, for being dependable, trustworthy and loving. YOU are ever present to meet each specific need! Thank you again for blessing us. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
mary frances, I remember your first posts when you were suffering and uncertain. This post shows how you have worked through the hard part of emotionally separating from your spouse. Congratulations and thank you for sharing how you feel now, it gives those of us who are stuck in the initial anxiety hope and encouragement. God is good, giving us what we need even when it hurts. Blessings, K
Hi Grace, I am so glad that you are able to take difficult circumstances and find ways to thank God. It shows that you are trusting in God’s care and provision for your life and expressing your gratitude to the one who supplies all our needs. That is great!
One of the things that I always suggest to those who are followers of Jesus and are going through marital breakdown is to do some in-depth study of what Jesus had to say about marriage, divorce and remarriage. We know that marriage is an important relationship in the eyes of God because it is a symbol of the relationship that He has with His people and so you want to be very aware of what His directions are in these matters.
I don’t want to be a killjoy, but I am concerned to hear that you are dating prior to the finalization of your divorce. I know you said you have been separated for 21 months but that doesn’t negate the fact that you and your husband are still legally married.
Now I don’t know any details about you, your husband or the problems in your marriage so I don’t want to make any assessments on where you are at right now. I am confident that if you ask for God’s Spirit to lead your decisions and to help you understand His directions for marriage, divorce, and remarriage He will lead you clearly. So take time to read what He says in the Bible, pray, and get godly counsel from those who take their leading from scripture and He will guide your steps.
Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father, I thank You for the way that You have clearly spoken through the Bible and how You continue to speak into our lives today. We can trust that what You say to us today is consistent with what You have spoken in the past. I pray for Grace that she would be able to focus her attention on Your voice and distinguish it from all the other voices that try to distract and deceive. I pray that she would hear clearly from You and would have the courage to obey. I am also grateful that Your call to obedience does not come by itself but You are also with us to provide all that we need so that we can obey. I pray that Grace would experience Your empowerment to follow in Jesus’ footsteps and that her life will direct more people to follow You as well. In the powerful name of Jesus, amen.
It been 21 months and we are in the process of our divorce. I have to admit that I was so hurt when my Ex left, especially with little warning (he told us on a Friday he was moving out of state the following Wednesday) but now I understand unseen blessings. I am so happy and actually glad he had the courage to leave and give me the opportunity to have a better life. I’m dating now and have a wonderful, caring person I’ve always wanted. Our son sees our kindness to each other and although sad about the separation is talking to both of us and has commented on how happy we both are and this has helped him as well. If I would have known how blessed I would be I wouldn’t have believed it. I wish my Ex the best, his new girlfriend seems nice and I’m glad she is kind to our son when he visits (was one of my greatest fears) but everything is moving along. I now realize change is just change and how we choose to see it makes all the difference. Thank you Lord for my blessings. Amen
It was my wedding anniversary yesterday. Also two years since I found out about my husbands betrayal, and we started this long and rocky road to divorce. The pain is not as crippling as it was … My daughters and I know we are in a better place than we were. What I find most difficult to swallow is that he has found new love, in fact two girlfriends, and travels, parties, revels like there is no tomorrow while I shoulder all family responsibilities, and can’t afford to take the girls away for a weekend. Double whammy of the split, followed by his landing on his feet. I don’t want him back, but so hard to see him thriving while I struggle. Would it be different if I found someone to share my life with? There just seems a void. What is the next step? Am trying to focus my life forward, studying, and creating a new future, but feels so cold and lonely. I long for a relaxed and fun time of non stop laughing. Don’t feel ready for a new love yet, but am more than ready for men friends … Are they all taken?
Dear WFM,
I am so glad to hear you are trusting the Lord and walking with Him through this difficult time. He is faithful. What are some meaningful scriptures you have been clinging to? It would probably be very encouraging for other readers to know some of the verses that have meant a lot to you.
Dear Liberty,
Keep trusting Jesus. He will get you there. It has been a long road for so many of us on this site, but thank God that He is strong when we are weak. One thing I have learned a lot about is giving our burdens to the Lord. Confess to Him what your aches and pains are, and then let Him carry them. When you feel those sad, bitter, angry or fearful feelings try to creep up again -RESIST. Our enemy will flee from us when we confidently say, “My Lord Jesus is caring for ALL my needs and He is faithful to fill me with His love and peace. I will not let you (Satan) steal what the Lord has promised me!” Picture yourself as a warrior, dressed in the armor of God:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.
(Ephesians 6:10-20 ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, please continue to bless both of these precious people. Lord, we trust that You are the good shepherd and so we will listen for Your voice, so that we may follow You closely. Lord teach us that walking with You is worth it, no matter how much it costs us, and increase our faith so that we may be ever more obedient. Thank You Father for answering these prayers in Jesus’ name. Amen
Remember, our walk is a long obedience in the same direction!
Blessings in Christ,
Kate
WFM – my estranged husband found his former girlfriend on Facebook as well. Both are 64 years old. She was waiting in the wings while he expressed his desire to “work hard” on our marriage. The worst betrayal is he chose to move out the day we were to start Christian counseling. Today they travel about and act so “in love” without the slightest glance at the damage caused. We were together 16 years and married for 13 years. I am very sorry you too have experienced such heartache. However, you are not alone. I look forward to (and pray for) the day when finally I can truly feel God’s love and peace. But I am not there yet.
June will be two years since I was divorced, my wife of 17 years blind sided me by finding her high school BF on Facebook, she left me and two children, I never got married to get divorced, I loved her without limits, and two years later, I still feel emontial thinking or typing about her. Even though I know completely, I would never take her back, or trust her again. I put my trust in God, he has never lied or forsaked me. She broke our family apart, crushed the kids, and looked only to her own needs and happyness. She sickens me.I know one day she will endore the pain I did, the loss, the hopelessness of life.I trusted in God, I prayed , I begged Jesus to remove the pain. Today, life is better, God meets my needs and provides. He gave us his life, now I owe him mine.Praise God. I hope no one will ever have to expericence divorce, but it will get better with time. Trust and God will guide you. Look to Him,seek Him, the way, the truth,Jesus.
Mary Frances, I got such a huge smile on my face as I read your comment! It sound like you are doing wonderfully well these days. I am so proud of you for giving him a specific deadline and tell him what your expectations are. And I am relieved to hear that he was not storing things in your house. It sounds like you have things well in hand and are moving into a very healthy place.
If you can, try to not tell yourself that you were “dumb” to let the rental house be in your name. You were married to this man, he wasn’t supposed to be someone you would ever need to protect yourself from so of course you did what you could to help. You guys were a team. It may seem foolish now given the way things turned out, but I believe that at the time you made the best decision you could. Your finances were tied together, why not do what you could to get the best mortgage rate?
I am very sorry that things have not ended up the way you hoped. A divorce is always an awful thing. I do pray that God has good things in store for you and I pray that He would also speak to your ex-husband’s heart and help him to make better choices in the future.
It’s an amazing feeling when we get to a place where we can actually FEEL God’s peace – not necessarily the end of the trial, but we can feel His peace. I am so happy to read that you are there yourself. Bask in that feeling and when the worries come crashing back in, call out to God and ask for this peace again. I think it’s easier to get back the second time once you’ve experienced it. Now you know what it feels like, you’ll be able to recognize it. Thank you for giving us all on update on how things are. I will continue to pray that God’s hand will be evident in your life.
i want to thsnk everyone for posting here and providing me with such wonderful encouragement and prayer. The foreclosure sale did occur and the x is slowing moving out of the house. I must also correct something in that I never lived in the house in question. it was a rental purchased as an investment but the x got it in the divorce and was supposed to get it refinanced out of my name. We never lived in it together. In fact I’ve never set foot in it. I just foolishly agreed while we were married to have the loan in my name because I had better credit – dumb… Anyway – I’ve not given him any money. However, he was dropping hints that all the driving back and forth was costing him money. I suggested he load up the garage and make less trips. See my garage is between the foreclosure house and where he is moving to. Its another step. I am taking baby steps – I also told him the garage has to be empty by fall.
Most important is this feeling of peace thast I have. But for some minor issues – I like my life. I am truly happy. I can tell you all that I cannot ever remember feeling this way in my life. Maybe when I was a teen or just out of high school i.e. 1960′s…..This means that I never felt [or at least I can't recall feeling] this way the whole time I was married. I actually feel in control of my life, finances, future. It does not feel scarry – it feels kind. Content, free, like a mild spring day, early in the morning. The anxiety is gone. I’m praying that this new feeling and state of heart, sole and mind stays and grows. It is really sad that in retroflect I really can say that I never felt this way. I was always afraid, anxious, scared, despret, worried, regretful, unhealthy [physically and mentally] tired. I trusted and loved but I should have felt what I feel now.
I am sure that this is not going to be a bed of constantly blooming thornless roses and old feelings and enotions, states of mind will surface because of some crisis etc. BUT, if someone told me that I would be feeling this good, I would not have believed it.
Thanks all – see you all here soon – good night and God Bless!