As a past abuser myself, it was fear that was driving my rage: fear that I would be exposed as a fraud; fear that people would see me as I truly believed myself to be: an inept, inadequate human being who was incapable of functioning in this world. It was not until I allowed the love of Christ to penetrate my heart and to cast that fear out of doors that I was able to begin finding peace. In addition, it was vital for me to release the bitterness toward those who had abused me in the past, as well as to forgive myself and receive the forgiveness of God. I also had to seek that same forgiveness from those whose hearts I had wounded through my abuse of them, and be willing to grant them whatever time they needed to heal. The Lord has taught me a difficult but very important lesson: Trust is not an automatic right in relationships; it has to be earned. Praise be to Jesus that He is allowing that trust to be rebuilt into my marriage and my friendships today. I am now deeply grateful for the healing of God in my life and for His willingness to use me in any way possible to help others to find freedom, light, and abundant life in Christ Jesus. To Him be all the glory!

However, in saying this, it was my responsibility, not his, to receive the help that I needed for my abusive behavior. Had I refused to do so, I believe it would have been the right thing for him to leave me, as I was creating a great deal of distress in his life and literally causing him to become ill, both physically and emotionally. The stress of living with abuse of any kind is extraordinarily unhealthy, and it cannot be underestimated. The abuse is not any less dangerous because it is not physical or sexual. Emotional and verbal abuse has unseen stresses that can leave the victims feeling as if they are losing their mind, and the manipulative, painful tactics used by the abusers are often referred to as “crazy-making.”

It is my prayer your husband is completely open to the wisdom of the anger-management counselor, and that he continues to see this person for as long as he needs to do so. I also pray that he hears the conviction of the Holy Spirit, so that he may truly turn to the Lord and allow Jesus to heal his heart from all the wounds that are deep inside of him , wounds that are leading him to bring up such hurt and pain and to displace it upon those he is called to, and no doubt, wants to love. I also pray that the Lord Jesus holds you especially close to His heart, that you may draw on His strength, knowing that He is your Refuge and your Sufficiency, and that He will never leave you nor forsake you. At all times, may you turn to Him, knowing that He will never let you down, and that He will grant you the wisdom you need in every situation simply for the asking. May the Lord grant you His all-surpassing peace in Christ Jesus as you seek His guidance day-by-day in your marriage and with your child, so that you may walk in the comfort and love of Jesus, knowing that, no matter what, you are never, ever alone. I ask these things for you and your family in the holy and precious name of Jesus our Lord, Amen.

Thank you for having the strength to write and share your pain so courageously with us. I understand completely how painful it is to undergo the process of divorce, and every person’s situation is unique; but what is most important is to follow the will of God and to know that, above all, He loves you more than you can possibly comprehend, and His will for you and your husband in marriage is that your marriage reflect His relationship with His bride, the Church. As our Husband, Christ our Lord is surely not abusive, nor does He want us to be as husbands and wives, and He gives us very clear commands as to how we are to love one another as husband and wife, as well as how we are to treat our children.

Nancy, I want to share with you some links, which I pray will be a blessing to you; each one speaks about what God expects of wives in abusive marriages:

http://questions.org/attq/what-is-a-godly-response-to-domestic-abuse-for-an-abused-wife/

http://questions.org/attq/is-the-wife-required-to-submit-to-an-abusive-husband/

http://www.resourcesforyourministry.org/Products/When-Words-Hurt–Verbal-Abuse-In-Marriage–(PDF)__CB011.aspx

If you would like to do so, Nancy, I also invite you to contact one of our online mentors at the following link; if you choose to fill out the short request form that accompanies the link below, one of our mentors will contact you privately and confidentially:

http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

I appreciate your strength in sharing your pain with us, Nancy; please know that I will continue to be in prayer for you. May the Lord Jesus grant you wisdom, strength, and continued courage in the days ahead as you seek His guidance in knowing which path to follow. In the holy and mighty name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.