Can He Trust You with his Feelings?

Written by Claire Colvin

sexlove_mensfeelingsMen often get a bad rep for being closed-off when it comes to discussing feelings. Women, as we know, are able to talk for hours about hopes and dreams and feelings. If men seem less inclined to do so, it may be that they have good reason. I was surprised to read recently that one author claimed that revealing feelings is as uncomfortable for men as revealing our bodies is for women. It only happens in a place of trust, of intimacy. Anywhere less feels like a violation.

In an article for O, The Oprah Magazine, author W. Bruce Cameron wrote that “as boys we [men] learn that any sign of vulnerability will mercilessly punished by our peers.” Women expect to be comforted in times of weakness, men often expect an attack. If you want the man in your life to open up to you more, he has to be able to trust you.

A Man’s Take on Why Feelings Matter

Revealing our true selves

Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of. Trust allows both of you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone in the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known.

If you want the man in your life to be more open with you, prove that you are a safe place by being more open with him. Be honest with him and make sure he can trust your responses. Men are not mind-readers (and neither are women). If he asks you if you are happy and you say “yes” don’t assume that he will know you didn’t mean it. Let your “yes” mean yes.

There is a myth out there that if your man truly loves you he will instinctively know everything about you. It’s simply not true. If you are looking for intimacy, stop playing games. Let him know who you are and invite him to do the same. Give him the opportunity to make you happy. Most people in relationships – both men and women – would love to give their partners what they want if only they knew what it was.

Let him talk

He needs to know that you will hear him out. Understand that opening up about feelings does not come easily for many men. If he takes the chance to open up to you, hear him out. Resist the urge to comment on what he is saying until he’s done. Think of the times when you are telling him something and he wants to solve your problem right in the middle of your story. Remember how much you appreciate it when he lets you finish? Men appreciate that too.

Men and women both have a need to know that they are being listened to and genuinely heard. Simply taking the time to actively listen without speaking shows your partner that you value what he is saying. Knowing that you value this kind of conversation may help him open up more in the future. If it’s really hard for him, but he knows it’s really important to you he may be more willing to make the effort.

Be a safe place

Ask yourself this: are you a safe place for your partner’s weakness? If he tells you that he’s concerned about his job or doesn’t know how to fix the car or is worried about his parents how do you respond? If he takes the time to open up to you about his fears he needs to hear that you still respect him. Reassure him that you don’t doubt his abilities and that you aren’t going anywhere. If he’s telling you that a decision he made has gone wrong, this is not the time to say “I told you so.” Tell him that you appreciate the strength it took to be honest with you. Men always like to hear about their strength and when they’re feeling vulnerable, it’s a particularly good time to mention it.

Whatever you say let him know that you are on his side and that you will guard his confidences. He needs to know that what he says to you stays with you. Lasting relationships are built on trust and trust has to stand the test of time. If there’s a chance that his revelations will be the topic of conversation at the next girl’s night out, you can’t blame him for clamming-up.

Building trust

Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time. You need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust him in return. If he knows that you will listen to him without judgement and will keep his secrets he’s much more likely to be willing to talk about those awkward feelings we women seem to like so much.

You are not in this alone. If you are looking for someone you can place your trust in, a foundation to build upon, you can find that safe place whether you’re in a relationship right now or not. Place your trust in God and his promises. Anchor your life to the hope that he brings.

He is the well deep enough to draw from when you need peace, hope and wisdom, insight and love, endurance and faith. He gave His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for all our sins. Everyone feels unworthy sometimes, but God thinks you’re worth it—even worth the death of His Son.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desires of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus will come into your life, and forgive you of your sins forever, just as he promised.

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12 Responses to “Can He Trust You with his Feelings?”

  • […] Can He Trust You with his Feelings? « Power to Change. […]

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  • Celeste65 says:

    @Lynn
    I had the opportunity to connect
    with a mentor on this site.
    She was kind and compassionate.

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Lynn, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. It makes sense that you’d find it hard to trust a man. From reading your comment, I can see that you want to really journey towards freedom and wholeness as a person and in your relationships. I would encourage you to connect with one of our free and confidential email mentors (this is a charitable organization, so it’s about helping you, not asking for money). You would be connected with someone who would love to encourage, listen and offer wisdom for you in your life journey. The relationship would go on only as long as you want. Heres’ the link: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ Take care, Lynn.

  • lynn says:

    While I do believe there is someone above, I respectfully say, that whilst I have had four relationships that turned bad, and not an invitation to the lord to enter your being, it is for two human beings to learn from their mistakes. And according to the men I was with, at the time, it was all my fault, whilst it was them that where ultimately committing the sin of self-grafication.which made myself feel I was in the wrong. I feel a woman should be allowed to express her emotions no matter what, not silence by a fist or words of anger. I am now in in a relationship, with a man, who said and gave his feelings of trust first, my feelings of trust followed. I just didn’t say it, until I felt the time was right for me. Sometimes even now after two years of dating, I still feel insecure sometimes. I suppose this is to be expected. But I have faith my fears will be turned and my relationship, with my mans help will in time be renewed.

  • Sharon Sharon says:

    good article thank you for posting it

  • Celeste65 says:

    The one thing I learned after 17 years of marriage?
    Men don’t have the same feelings women do.
    My ex-husband expressed very basic emotions:
    Anger/Rage
    Disappointment/Disgust
    Hunger
    Desire to have sex.
    Surprisingly, he finally showed some emotion when I filed for divorce. He cried. He talked about how we should have time to sit down and just “talk”. It was too late. His words and tears weren’t enough to undo over 10 years of verbal and emotional abuse.
    I had no empathy for him whatsoever. I didn’t believe he was sorry…just sorry that he wouldn’t have me as an emotional punching bag anymore.

  • Rasheil Rasheil says:

    GD – pardon me, I just realized I stated “wife,” whereas you said “spouse.” Sorry, did not mean to presume :/

  • Rasheil Rasheil says:

    Hi GD -

    I can hear your heart, even through your brief words. I think it’s awesome that you know the value and importance of trust, and that you understand the cost of trying to recover it. I pray that your relationship with your wife will grow in God’s grace and that you both will be able to love one another through God’s eyes. I don’t know much about your situation, but when His children strive to see one another through His eyes, that is when grace can cover a multitude of weaknesses, tough situations. I find that when I try to pursue the efforts of forgiving someone, I get frustrated, but when I strive to just see others through God’s eyes, things like forgiveness come naturally. I’m not sure if that speaks to your situation, but I thought I’d share it to let you know that you’re not alone in struggles like this.

    I encourage you to reach out to a mentor here – http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ It is very helpful to be able to share more and have someone alongside you encouraging through this process, because growth always involves a process, not just an event.

    Bless you and may God help you through your situation,
    Rasheil

  • GD says:

    Trust! You never know how essential it is until when it is broken.And rebuilding it is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest. God help me. I want to be the safe place for my spouse.

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    What a blessing this write-up is to me! I have never had the “feelings” of a man explained so clearly and this beautifully. Claire has said it very well indeed. Yes, Judith, when God comes first then the love to our spouse will be deeper, better, and more long-lasting.. My wife of 49 years said that we can think of “the love triangle” with God on the tip and each of us at one bottom corner; and the close we come to Him, the closer we’ll be to each other.
    I read this article several times, feeling the depth of what it takes to have a couple share openly who they are, and expressing their feelings to one another..There is very much here that men as well as women need to take to heart. The selfish person will find it difficult to listen and to feel with the other, but with maturity comes the ability to meet the needs of others. May we go forward from here, being sensitive to our spouse’s feelings and affirming his / her strengths. Blessings, Alfred.

  • Judith says:

    Really nice what do you said about trust, I believe we need to be honest with us first; and then with others many girls who doesn’t put their believe in God ended up to putting their faith in the human, that is a big mistake because we are human but if you put your faith in God he is faithful enough to please you all the time, but what happed with the humanity because we have an empty( this place is empty to be full with the Holly Spirit) space in our heart we put our lovers, family, friends and etc, to our trust even our selves . We should love our partners as friends we no need to expect they be perfect or powerful they are not God, because they are humans, we misunderstand the real purpose in life when God give us a partner, because your partner has to be the person who you can grown in power to build your spirituality ointment in Jesus, the problem start when we decided to tie our selves with an unfaithful partner I mean not Christian as you are. We need to understand that we need to grown in faith, because de evil wants to have us as a babies all the time but we need the real power in Jesus.
    Many women complaint about theirs partners, but they need to be close to Jesus and then let him to be the holy love of their love.
    How you can put in a first place and make the most important person in your life to a human? _ Should be God. He will never and ever fail to us. Let the Holly Spirit to let you free about partnership slavery, sometimes we are slave In our mind and heart for some sick relationship.
    I would like to invited you to hear Joseph Prince ministries and Dr. Cindy Trimm in you tube, God bless you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7vFK3499qA&feature=relmfu
    Pastor prince

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