My Wife’s Affair Shattered our Marriage
My wife repeated the sentence I could not understand, ”I’m moving out”.
I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought, ”Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.
“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.
“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.
I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”
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I stood frozen, as I begged, “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”
She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.
A hidden affair
I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.
I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.
During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say, ”I gotta go”, and hang up.
I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.
Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”
“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”
She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work. But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”
Rebuilding our marriage
The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time. I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.
When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell,. That was as much as we could have hoped for.
The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple. Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.
Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.
When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync–together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.
Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.
A new personal mission
Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding. For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”. It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.
I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair. I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building. I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.
I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.
I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy. I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.
I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me”, I should stop tailgating. If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have brush fire arguments - they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.
Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back. She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.
25 years later
I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.
Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.
We choose to take the value system God has for marriage and though our emotions may change, God’s standard doesn’t change and He is there to help us.
Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.
We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.
We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored–stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!
For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.
23 Responses to “My Wife’s Affair Shattered our Marriage”
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this article has helped me beyond belief but i
still have long way to go with my wife it’s like
i am seeing our history of marriage in front of
me.my story so just a like i need god to help
i am still hurt by what my did but,love her and
want spend my life with her thx
william, thank you for taking the time to share with us. It is can be a very difficult situation when a marriage faces these sort of issues, and one in which you’ll need careful discernment and prayer to guide you.
For this sort of issue, it can often help to talk by email to one of our online mentors. It’s free and confidential. You’ll be matched with an appropriate mentor who can guide you in your journey through your email conversations with them. If you’re interested, please visit this page:
http://thelife.com/talk-to-a-mentor/
I have read many articles and many books all which have had great articles and advice. Four years ago my wife had a sexual affair out of town in another country(her home country). She came back and instantly I knew she had done something wrong. She denied it. Then I found some emails, and found her talking to him on the telephone. Again, she denied ever having sex and that they just had lunch. This guy was her ex of ten years. We went through a lot and I moved out . It was hell. After 8 months we got back together and its been four years now. I was on track until while we were in LAs Vegas she tells me the truth in a hotel room. She had sex with him and kept the emotional part going on the telephone for 8 months.
For me, its like it happened yesterday and for her, she has gotten over all of it and wants to move on. We are not on the same page and this makes it difficult for me. She doesnt want to think about it, or dwell on it. She wants to stay married but does not want to look into the situation. We are planning to attend a seminar for couples facing infidelity and I hope that opens her eyes as to impact on me and reasons why I want to discuss it. Does anyone have any advice on how to get us on the same page??
Jason, have you ever seen the show Marriage Uncensored? I think it’s on PBS. They have some fantastic advice on all aspects of marriage. I checked their website and they have an episode that deals specifically with marriages where it’s the woman who had an affair (so much of the material out there is only about men’s affairs) and also gives some great tools for talking about it and getting your marriage back on track. You can watch the full episode free online. Also, check out their site MarriageUncensored.com — they have a ton of other resources there as well. The fact that you both want to stay married is huge. It doesn’t fix everything, but it’s a great place to build from.
This husband is a doormat. Leave the unfaithful bitch.
Joe: Part of me totally agrees with you. Fortunately, life isn’t so black and white. Love can transcend hurt to allow forgiveness.
Jason: Check out marriage uncensored and feel free to use our Talk to a Mentor button on the top right of the screen to get plugged in to some people that can come alongside you through the struggle.
Joe, try to see a movie called Fire Proof (Fireproof !) I can not say if you should see it with your wife or without, I seen it with wife after we decided to seperate but in my case she thought I seen it before that time and she was unhappy ! It is basicly about a marriage gone bad ( ? of wife and affair come into play slightly )
movie has Kirk Cameron in as leading star and ? producer ( he was from Growing pains series of yester year ) Heavy christian movie but I thought it was great and a dose of reality with a touch of humor ending was GOOD ! Much Peace I hope things work out in the positive for you! I think marriage cousel would help you see you do not need details and just need to rebuild trust and move on with GOD and faith in your wife by your side. God Bless!
William, It is late for me, but I hope you can get through your pain and not blame either of you and have trust in the Lord as you both start anew in your marriage and let sleeping dogs lie. Get the book The Love Dare and Keep the faith. (wish Firefroop came out a few years ago I may not have been in divorce court after 28 years if I had a little guidence ( then older sons problems, and the world outside our marriage may not have mattered ) for our marriage would have had a better foundation. Akso if you have a church in your area with an (A.C.T.S.) ACTS GROUP that may help you build your faith open to other faiths not only catholics! God Bless, Leo
Rebuilting and recovering from a shattered affair does not come that easy.Its a toll order and need the total understanding of all those involved.When love has been on the rocks,reinventing it need miracles more so if a love triangle is involved.Seeking divine intervention in reversing the status quo may be the only way forward.I would advise people not to stretch their affairs to the limit coz not all have the patience to understand the vexing nature of the affair.We all want easy things in life so is love.It must not at all complicates itself lest most of us will pull out.
Be guided accordingly.Personally I love myself more than any other person including her so room for mistakes must be minimal.
alla i can say is that we must make our marriage based on religion and its principal then i am sure GOD helps and also matrimonial life become happier
also if we take our matrimonial life from the begining based on religion and what GOD said about marriage i do not think that one of the partner can have the ability to have any sexual affair with any one why ? SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A RELIGIOUS CONSCIOUS HOLD HIM BAKC
Joe, are you just trolling or do you really mean that? This woman repented decades ago and now goes around telling other people not to make the same mistake. These two have learned mutual respect for each other and learned how to try to keep each other happy.
My wife sat down one day and told me that she was moving on with a married man, he was leaving his wife and she was leaving me. It was her assistant. It was strange but I felt sorry for her. I never would have guessed this was going to happen. We had just gotten back together after being separated for one year. I always stayed close to her being that we have 2 daughters. I pleaded with her and somehow the church even supported her in the divorce and I was the minister. I was ruined and confused. I started drinking and dating other women, non-christian women. Her affair with guy ended but she started online dating. One day a guy she started to really like took her to see the movie “Fireproof”. Little did he know that she was going to dump him after the movie. She avoided contact him with him and set out to renew a relationship with me. I had no knowledge of this, but about the same week I was laying beside a woman claiming to be pregnant with my child. I began to pray and ask God for guidance. She began to curse me. I immediately dismissed myself from the relationship. The very next morning, the ex-wife called me frustated about her messy house and asked if I could help her clean. This was a regular occasion throughout our 2.5 year divorce, but there was something different about this time. The very night before I told God that I was ready to have my family back. Could this be his answer to my prayers, or just another episode of helping the ex clean up after the 2 crazy kids? I pondered this for 3 days after cleaning the house. Why, because I normally would clean, play with the girls, maybe share a brief intimate moment with the wife and it was over for anther 6 months. This was 3 days and she seemed different. On day 3 I told that I could not keep my secret from her. Before I could utter another word, she quickly stated, “she’s pregnant isn’t she?” I stopped dumbfounded. “How did you know” I asked ? “Just a hunch” she answered. I was scared but relieved. It felt good to tell the truth. She then stated, “we’ll get through this, I raised 2 girls one more can’t hurt”. My faith was then renewed, but greatly tested over the next 8 months. Today after 8 months of trial by fire, she and I will be married this coming weekend 6/6/2009, 3 days from our original anniversary. This is happening even before we get the DNA results to see if this child is even mine. God is so good. Joe and the rest of you guys, don’t lose heart. I am a big mess and God still cleaned me up. I don’t deserve what I have, but thanks to Christ, I can have it all. Don’t be afraid, live.
That is an amazing story Jonathan. I don’t believe that you are being a doormat at all because I don’t see your response as being walked on. Both of you did wrong and both were repentant. For a moment I thought that ending your relationship would be the easy answer but is it really? How easy is holding on to resentment and bitterness day in and day out? I think divorce sounds much easier that it really is. Somewhere I heard that the majority of divorced people said they would not do it again if they could relive the whole thing.
That’s got to tell you something.
hi everybody
here again we see how God s guidance and being attached with religion can help in the worst times in marriage life
Hey there folks, I just want to encourage everyone to hang tough. There are days when I think that the resentment is too much, but I focus on the future rather than the past. When I think about the past it makes me want to hate her, but thinking about our future makes me feel hopeful. If God thought about our past and our sins he would be constantly disappointed. I try to see as God sees me. Impossible I know, but I try. And to Jason, I know that feeling when someone has not really apologized, you feel that you cannot trust them. That is where the greatest of courage comes in. Forgiving when they don’t think they need forgiveness. Do it anyhow. Be radical with it. Crazy, I know, but it works. Hug her lovingly, kiss her passionately as if nothing ever happened. And when you struggle with the past resentment, do alone, away from her. I do this every day, It builds character.
Thanks Jonathan, I am killing her with kindness and th entire truth just come out a little over a month ago….IT is a hard “pill” to accept what happened, but I am working on it. The more I treat her kindly the more remorse she feels and displays…ITs is difficult and when I get the hurt feelings, I go for a drive and cry, scream swear, whatever, but try not to display any of it in her view…
Jonathan, if you want to email me…
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If anyone ever wants to talk, you can catch me at …
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No offence but i think you need to grow a pair. Your wife went off and left you for another man till she realized that he was just playing with her.
If she did this once she will do it again. If you dont have the guts to move on it is a good indicator that you are just letting her walk all over you.
No matter what you do hope you will be happy.
I am like the unfaithful wife in the story. I’ve contemplated having an affair many times, Ive come close many times. I get so lonely. I know I need to look to God and not to man to have my needs met but It’s so hard sometimes. My husband and I have not been intimate since 2009. He prefers to look at the girls on the internet, he knows that I burn in lust for him, but he wont even sleep in the same bed with me. Guys hit on me alot so I know Im not ugly. I’ve told my husband how I feel- in the hope that my confessing my sin would make it have less of a hold on me, but he doesn’t change and I still suffer with sexual immorality in my heart even when I don’t necessarily act it out. I keep wishing that he’d leave me so I could find a man who will at least have a conversation with me. My husband doesn’t know anything about me. I wish he’d tell me im attractive, do something besides sit on the couch and get drunk and make a bad example for our kids, I wish he’d at least get angry that I want to have an affair, but not even that makes a dent–i want to be held, I want him to at least kiss me on my head or say hello to me when he comes home from work. I slept around before I met him–but once I got married all that stopped–maybe that is why its so easy for me to go back to that kind of lifestyle (or to be tempted to) even thought it goes against my character and I hate the idea.
Claire, the show Marriage Uncensored that you linked is horrid. I mean seriously, that is simply terrible television.
Roo – Sorry to hear you didn’t like the link.
Hi folks,
I am in a serious situation. I married a girl who was my girl friend for 2 years. And we used to love each other dearly. In between due to family problems we needed to spend 6 months apart. Then last year we got married. All of a sudden after marriage she started feeling aversion and she said she needs space. It was out of the blue, I was shattered. Then I thought give it a time and see. But its been 7 months she is acting very crazily. She lies to me every minute and we are living apart right now. She says that she loves me but even a handshake is also not ok. She irritates me when we meet. She is having seriously bad company over her office. I strongly feel she has an affair and that is fulfilling her sexual needs too. She doesnt care to tell me whats happening and whats not. She takes fight out of any word I talk. Someone tried to help us but she played with them too. She lied to them too badly. In mean time I was upset due to family problems but I didnt get any support that time. Rather she deserted me to feel sick and fool. She doesnt even want to tell me where she is what she is doing. Whenever she is going to do something wrong she calls me or text me its my instinct. I asked for help from her parents too, but they are acting as if they dont care and they r busy in their own partying kind of life style. My parents and family is really unhappy about the situation. My father is very very upset because even her family also dont seem to take interest to solve the problem. There is no one who can tell her whats good and whats wrong.
I just feel helpless. I know marriage is such a sacred thing in life, and thats why I am still hanging on. WHen she met me she flirted with different people on phone knowingly. I strongly feel she got that sexual relation with someone or more. I really feel shameful as I devoted all my love and commitment to this girl. As per your story I told her that we should talk honestly. But being honest what I get is just hurts and insults. I found out that she being flirty and cuddling to other guys and talking evil about me to even people she just met once. If woman is so careless so many guys are lined up for taking advantage. Her boss too waits for her in office late they work on weekends too. She tells she travels she is with her girl friend but even if her parents don’t understand it my instinct is badly hitting my conscience. I am such a honest guy and the thing is that I dont have anyone who can help me truly for this. I am still for positivity of this relation, but she is just not letting me know what she wants. She says we will stay separate but we will not take divorce. I dont know is she is taking time or buying it. I have lost all the faith in love and marriage and feel I want to stay alone whole life. She is really bring lair to everyone including her own parents and manipulating everyone in work place too. I badly need some good advice. We met 3-4 times also but what I see that she irritates me and I feel like she is forcing me to file for divorce. But I really dont want to take financial problems when i din do anything wrong in marriage. We do not have children. Please guys I need fatherly and motherly advice. I am too young to deal with this hard puzzle.