My Wife’s Affair Shattered our Marriage
My wife repeated the sentence I could not understand, ”I’m moving out”.
I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought, ”Who is this woman?” My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.
“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”, I asked.
“I’m unhappy and lonely and miserable actually.” There, it was out. “You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us we’ll get closer”.
I touched her arm, but she pulled away as I said, “It doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?”
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I stood frozen, as I begged, “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”
She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.
A hidden affair
I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often. I knew that my need to be right often made her wrong.
I knew that, lately, she had been distant. But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.
During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say, ”I gotta go”, and hang up.
I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine … happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.
Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”
“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”
She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work. But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”
Rebuilding our marriage
The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time. I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.
When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell,. That was as much as we could have hoped for.
The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple. Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.
Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.
When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync–together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.
Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.
A new personal mission
Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding. For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife”. It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.
I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair. I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building. I took the advice I read in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 which reminded me to think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.
I made it my personal mission to try to understand my wife.
I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy. I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.
I learned that if my wife says, “You’re’ tailgating and it’s scaring me”, I should stop tailgating. If I love her, why would I want to frighten her? The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have brush fire arguments - they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we worked to extinguish the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.
Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back. She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.
25 years later
I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.
Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.
We choose to take the value system God has for marriage and though our emotions may change, God’s standard doesn’t change and He is there to help us.
Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.
We are amazed at how far we’ve come – we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 22-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.
We had a broken home – but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored–stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage but God redeemed what was lost and restored our marriage!
For more information about Ron and Nancy’s story, go to their marriage blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com or read Nancy’s book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome:How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around your Marriage.
Dear Kia J,
I know it is such a hard process and you feel like you can’t go on and you can’t take on all the stuff that is being thrown at you. Thats where we come, let us pray for you. We have some amazing mentors and amazing prayer mentors that will help you right now, you don’t have to do this on your own, we want to help. If you would like a mentor, please reply and I will help you get set up.
Sincerely,
Leah
@jeremy…i want to fight and i am. But how do you fight for someone who says its over. he is so angry and hurt he wont even consider anything i say. I have begun praying and fasting for my marriage because i was led to do so. I feel now there is nothing i can say or do….ony God
@Leah…i complete agree with the “let Go and LEt God” it is just really hard. Like i told jeremy i have been led to pray and fast for my marriage and i have had some really good breakthroughs but it seems as soon as God speaks to me…the devil throws me a harder blow…last week my husband wanted to talk about what we were going to do and he was adament he wanted a divorce…but i dont feel that at all this week he says he is going out of town and i am sure he is going to see the girl he is having an affair with…so that just took everything out of me again…however i keep with my fast and pray on it….that is all i have left…it just hurts like you wouldnt believe and sometimes i just feel like giving up
Leah. I understand about letting go and i am trying to do that. I have been praying and fasting for my marriage and family for 9 days now. It just seems like everytime i get a breakthrough and hear from God, the devil steps in and knocks me two steps back. I know its him and i shouldnt let that happen, but it hard to do when you love someone.
Jeremy, How do you fight when he wants nothing to do with the marriage anymore. I am now fighting with prayer because i feel like it is out of my hands. There is nothing i can do, bu God can!
To Kia J: if you love him, fight for him. My wife had several affairs and I’d give anything to see her fighting for me, but that’s not happening. Fight for him and let him see how hard you are fighting. Get him, hold on, and never let go.
Dear Kia J
I am sorry that you are going through this, I can feel your pain in your words. Its really hard to make a marriage work when the other person isn’t committed to it. You can pray and you can talk to them all you want but if they are not willing to put the work in to repairing the marriage its futile. Sometimes God asks us to let go of something in order to give us something. God knows the plans for your life and often we don’t understand why he does it and maybe we will never find out but God never leaves or forsakes us. He will and he can help you get through this, all we have to do is let go of the thing we are holding onto and trust that he has a plan. I know, you are saying “that is really easy to say but doing it is harder” and trust me letting go is hard for everyone, but one trick I have learned when I am in a situation where God has asked me to let go of something important, is when I get anxious, I look at the emotions I am feeling and literally visualize handing over these fears to God, I then ask God to take them and then I go on my day. Once I put my trust in God, I don’t need to deal with the burdens or baggage because he has said he will take care of them. Another trick I have found to help me let go and give it to God is to talk about it with others, we have an amazing, free and confidential mentor program. You will be assigned a mentor that will walk with you through this journey. If you would like a mentor please fill out this form: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ .
I will also be praying for you,
Leah
I dont know why i am on here. i keep searching for situations similar to mine. I have been with my husband for 11 and a half years and married for 7. we have two daughters and i have 2 stepdaughters. we have had a rocky relationship because i lost a baby at 8 1/2 months before i had my two daughters. i resented my husband for the loss of the baby for years. he begged me to get help and i wouldnt. he begged me to get closer to god and i wouldnt. years later in 09 i began chatting with an old friend just to talk to someone i felt cared. well, that led to an affair. soon after, my husband began an affair of his own. my husband moved out and filed for divorce. it was soon after that that i realized just how bad i wanted my marriage. i went to him. he stopped the papers and we tried to reconcile. i was able to to forgive alot easier than him. he would have good days and bad. me i was just trying to fight for us. meanwhile the man i was having an affair with keeps calling my husband and texting him info about our affair. now my husband says he wants a divorce. he cant stand me. he doesnt want me anymore among other things. I am a wreck. I have been seeking God and praying and fasting heavily. I want my marriage so badly but i also want to accept whatever God’s will is. I dont know what to do!
Matt, I’m so sorry to hear about the trouble in your marriage. It must be so difficult for you to be going through this. I can’t tell you what to do in this situation but I can tell you that God hears your prayers. The journey you have taken throughout your separation must have changed you greatly. Continue to pray about discerning God’s will for your life and in your marriage. I would also recommend signing up for our online mentorship program. Our mentors are available to talk with you and come alongside you through whatever you’re facing in your life. You can sign up for a mentor here.
In light of what you’re going through I would like to pray for you.
Lord, I pray for Matt as he struggles with his marriage and the separation he and his wife are going through. I pray that you would give him wisdom to know what the next step is that he should take with his wife. I pray that he would be able to lean on you as he’s so unsure as to what to do with his marriage. I pray that Matt and his wife would be able to make decisions in their marriage and that you would bring him peace and guidance throughout this time. I pray that you would give Matt courage to face this difficult time in his life. It’s been a journey for Matt so far and I pray that he would continue to seek you. I pray this in Jesus’ name, Amen.
I am seeking advice for my current situation.
My wife and I have been married for a little over a year. I found out that she was having an full-fledged affair with a co-worker. After I confronted her about it, she moved out of our house and is not wanting to work and reconcile on our marriage. It’s been a little over 4 months since the affair and nothing has come to pass. I am not filing for divorce and told her if she wants out of the marriage, she has to file, other than that…we are either working on our marriage or there is nothing.
She asked me to go out to supper with her this past weekend, and she broke down crying and apologized for the situation…but not for the affair. She is very prideful and has a hard time apologizing and owning up to things. I was actually stunned that she would apologize and own up to part of the affair. It seems the guilt is heavy on her conscious. I lost my temper and went off on her as she started talking about the other guy in her life. When it comes down to it, she is basically torn over the two of us and she told me that the other man in her life is giving her what I wasn’t. I got sick of hearing her talk and just asked her why she isn’t filing for the divorce. She said because she would feel like a failure and her world would be dumped upside down. There were no comments as to she would miss me or anything of that nature and even proceeded to tell me to go out and date other women. After the conversation I said some harsh words to her and told her not to call me for a long time. A day later she texted me and was wondering if we could have supper again. I replied “No.” and changed my phone number.
I’ve done much soul searching with God over the past few months and found that I was emotionally unavailable in the marriage. I’ve owned it, am continuing to work with God to open my heart to him so I can open my heart to my wife or my next wife if God so chooses to do that. I’ve also been validating with God what my role is as a husband. It’s been quite a 4 month journey for me.
What do I do? I’m wanting to show my wife some of the improvement that I am making, showing her that the marriage is worth saving and she is worth it. But I don’t want to pursue her because she has shown no interest with working on the marriage and I don’t want to justify that her behavior was ok.
- In Limbo
Jeremy, I’m sorry that you had to see that. I got rid of it as soon as I got in this morning but I wasn’t quite fast enough.
TO ZEESHAN: Are you seriously trolling sites like this to get your kicks? I have problems, but you seem to have it much worse than me. You must be a very sad little person. I’m sorry you feel this is the person you must be in order to be happy. May god bless your dark and troubled soul. .
[Comment removed. There is no need to be cruel. - Ed.]
Update! My wife has been seeing a physchiatrist. She was just diagnosed with longstanding depression. I really thought she would be diagnosed as extreme bipolar. To me, bipolar could have explained much of her infidelity. We have lived apart since august 2nd. Things are getting a little easier. Now this diagnoses comes into play and I don’t see how it could have caused her to do what she’s done. We spoke yesterday and she wants to work on our marriage and go to marriage counseling. My problem is that she still can’t tell me why she cheated. She says she doesn’t know. That’s nor good enough for me. She said it was fun at the time and she knew it was wrong. She hasn’t (IMO) shown much remorse or a strong desire prove to me that I hold any value to her. Everything continues to be just a bunch of words. Her words hold no weight with me. I do love her, but I’m scared to death that the infidelity will happen again, that she may be just clinging to the familiar and safety/security that I provide. I’m also very worried that I may never be able to let go of her infidelity. I constantly have visions of her with other men. When I’m near our home, I look at every guy driving down the road and wonder if he was with her. She can’t tell me definitively what she wants, only that she would like to see if we can get the “in love” part back. I just don’t see her as a woman who is truly remorseful and passionate about me and our marriage. I’m honestly trying to keep my emotions out of my thought process and base my decisions on logic and her actions. I just couldn’t handle it if this happened again. I’m not strong enough for that. And if it did, I feel I’d have no one to blame but myself.
Hi Nicole, I can tell you are really broken by your poor choices. A great Psalm for you to read is Psalm 51 (if you don’t have a Bible you can look it up at BibleGateway.com http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+51&version=NLT ) It was written by King David when he repented of his affair with Bathsheba. One verse in that is, “A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise.” God is so pleased that you recognize the mistake you have made. He loves the fact that you want to make it right. He will help you to do that. Look to Him to figure out how you can heal the divide that this affair has made between you and your husband.
God our Father, I ask that You would help Nicole repair the damage that her affair created in her marriage. Help her to express her love to her husband so that he has no doubt of her sincerity, and so that he will not be able to hold back the love he has for her. Repair their marriage so that it shines even brighter than it did before and use their story to help others who have fallen into similar situation. In Jesus’ name, amen.
K, in many ways I would say the same things to you that I wrote to Chad. Your marriage is under attack because Satan has taken advantage of the weakness that your affair opened up. My pastor just talked on Sunday about how the world around us is more than just the physical realm that we see but there is a spiritual realm as well, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12) The good news in that is Jesus Christ is far superior to anything that Satan can dish out. Look at the way he defeated demons during His ministry here on Earth. He is more than able to bring healing and reconciliation in your marriage. Your job is not to fix your husband. Your task is to keep your attention on Jesus so that you can follow exactly as He directs you. You can know that He will direct you in a way that is perfect for the situation. “Trust in the Lord with all of your might and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct you steps.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Father in Heaven, I pray also for K. She and her husband have got some big walls between them and it seems like those walls are getting bigger and thicker all the time. They need You to come and break down those walls and unite them again in love, trust and partnership. Help K to fix her eyes on You so that she will know what You are leading her towards at all times. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Hi Chad, you and your wife have had a hard start to your marriage. It sounds like both of you have made choices that you regret and knowing how to go on with that kind of baggage will be difficult. I don’t think it is at all a coincidence that you gave your heart back to God and then things got worse. The Bible talks about our “Adversary” who is roaming around like a lion to see whom he can devour (1Peter 5:8) He does not want you to follow God and so he has attacked your brand new faith. I point that out because if you try and fix this marriage on your own you will be fighting a powerful enemy. But if you look to God and ask Him to do the fixing that old “Adversary” doesn’t stand a chance. Don’t let what has happened between you and your wife undermine your faith in God. He will help and He will heal all the wounds. He may lead you to talk to your pastor, a friend or a marriage counsellor but remember that your faith is not in those people but how God uses those people to accomplish His purposes in your marriage.
You may also want to connect with one of our online mentors who can walk through this with you, pray with you, and help you figure out what God is directing you to do. You can find a mentor request form here http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God, I ask you to help Chad and his wife as they try and reconcile after the hurtful things that they have done. Guard their hearts against bitterness and unforgiveness, and also guard their hearts against arrogance and unrepentance. Bring healing and hope to this marriage in Jesus’ name, amen.
i’ve been in the marine corps infantry for 4 years. i met my wife and married her just 6 months ago, and i found out that the night before she left to go home since i’m getting out, she slept with one of my good friends in my platoon, twice, while i was waiting for her to come back to bed with me. there are two sides to this, i had started to develop a drug problem with synthetic cocaine since our marriage started, and i had no idea what kind of affect it would have on me. i got caught up in something terrible and it damaged my new marriage, but she said she forgave me, and we had a great talk and reconciliation just minutes before she lied and left our bedroom to go sleep with my “friend.” i gave up the drugs completely and gave my heart wholly back to God before i found out she cheated on my, and i’m repentant of what i did. with or without her i purpose to change. but i want to do what’s right with my wife. i just don’t know how. yes, what i did was terrible, but i just can’t get the images and sounds out of my head that i never even saw or heard. she’s my wife! idk what to do with myself, i need help.
I really wish my husband would read this but I cant bring it up. Even though he took me back he’s never really forgiven me. Now after its been 8 years since my affair he’s become an alcholic and for these last 8 years has had repeated episode of calling me every name in the book and during every arugment throwing it in my face. I have cried, prayed, said sorry. But he still comes back to the”you never asked for forgiveness” or youve never tried to win my love back. I thought thats what I was doing by becoming a better spouse in everything I do. I guess not. Now the relationship is even worse than when I had the affair, seems All I did was give him an excuse to blame all our problems on me and what I did. When in fact the problems where always there. I truely love him and wish I could take it all back. But I think regardless we’d still be in a terrible marriage. I dont know why I cant make him happy with me or please him. He seems to not be able to connect or communicate with me on any level other than, party, have fun and support me. I want a close relationship that grows and a family that goes to church. Im so lose and more lonely than every:(
I been with my husband for 20 years and 15 married. I was the one involved in affair 18 months ago I had the perfect marriage my husband gave me the world. I am in the process now trying to rebuild what was broken 18months ago. If I can go back I wouldn’t every deceive my husband like that again. My husband is having a hard time getting over what I did he have not forgiveing me yet which I know it will take time. We are going through alot of turmols from this. One day my husband seems happy and other days he is distance from me. I want my marriage and I am willing to do what it takes to save my marriage. In Febuary this year we renewed our wedding vows to start a new chapter in our lives to recommit our vows to God and to each other. Even though we did that my husband heart is still shattered to pieces and he thought I would never hurt him like that. He always mention the other person to me on a daily basis because he don’t want me to for get what I have done to our marriage. I don’t want my marriage to be over but sometimes I feel that my CHOICES I made might very well end up in divorce court. I am surching for answers to get my marriage back like it was and for him to forgive me and move for into our future and let go of the past. ( I know he will never forget what I have done, I just want to move forward to our future).
Jeremy you made a statement in your last message “I’ve been guilty of turning my back on gods love. But I know that my world can’t exist without gods help.” Have you been able in all of the more recent revelations to look to help from God? Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29) Jesus will not necessarily take away the problems and struggles you face but He will give you the strength to face them and wisdom to respond to them properly. “For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.” (Philippians 4:13)
You can connect with one of our mentors and they will help you to get back to a solid relationship with God. The Mentor Request Form is here http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Lord God I ask that You help Jeremy and his wife as they face the consequences of their choices to look to You and find their strength and direction from You. Bring healing to each individually and to their relationship together. Amen.
Much has changed since my original post in July. Quick review, I had a drunken one night stand, contacted an STD, confessed to my wife. A few weeks later she confessed her affair. We agreed to try counseling. Fast forward to 6 weeks back. I called a mutual friend to discuss marriage counseling because her and her husband had done it. She had a strange tone to her voice. I could tell something was wrong. She revealed to me that she had caught my wife sexting and that my wife had more than one affair but she didn’t know how many. I was very angry. I confronted my wife but didn’t tell her I had information. She denied it at first and then opened the flood gates. She confessed that she had been having affairs for a year or so with 5 different men. She said it was both emotional and physical with each man. And she got pregnant with the last affair and had an abortion. She says she doesn’t know why she did it and is currently seeing a phsyciatrist. I lost it when she told me everything. The following morning the bottom fell out and I ended up in a mental hospital for a week. I’ve not lived in my home for 6 weeks now. At first I really wanted to forgive her and work on our marriage. But know I’m finding that I don’t think I can move on with her in my life. But everyday is such a roller coaster that I’m not sure what I really want now. All I can think about is the fact that she let some guy spill his seed into her. And come to find out, she gave me the STD and allowed me to think it was me that contracted it. I’m really lost.
hey rick
my wife cheated on me and we doing the same things happy and nice to each other at first, seen a pastor for help and go back and forth to our old ways but now she keep thinking i cheated but she is the only one who did. Im not treating her different but not letting her out of my sight. She been having negative thoughts says she wants a divorce but i feel like i cheated on her and feel like a female and she the male in our marriage. i love her but i know she hate me im in so much pain.
We have awesome online mentors who volunteer with this site and would love to walk alongside of you Jeremy and Rick. Why not take a minute to fill out this form and one of them will email you. http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ Both of you are going through very difficult times and it always helps to have someone who will listen and encourage you and we would love to help.
Hey Rick if you are listening, i would advice you to leave her, there is no point in being with “someone” if that “someone” does not want to be with you. JESUS knows whats best for you, this girl does not deserve your love, i dont know how things are with you now its almost been a year! but i would say that you leave this person, she does not deserve you. Focus on giving your life to JESUS CHRIST, there are lots of articles in this website that can help you, GOD will surely help you. GOD bless you.
Jeremy,
My heart goes out to you. I can hear your pain in your words. Getting counselling is the first step for you guys. Way to go for doing that. I would recommend you get counselling yourself, everyone needs to work on thing in their life. If you would like a mentor that can walk with you through this time just fill out this form: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ It’s free and confidential. You will be matched with someone who you has walked your journey before and has come out the other side. We will be praying for you.
Sincerely,
Leah
Me and my wife have been married almost 6 years, but we have been together on and off since high school. We’ve had many problems over the last year or two and I frequently had a gut feeling that she was seeing someone. She denied it ofcourse. After many months of hurting I made a drunken mistake one night, had a one night stand. I felt completely disgusted with myself. After a few months I found out that I had contracted an STD. I felt a moral obligation to tell my wife. Her reaction was very bland. At that moment I knew that she was also guilty of infidelity but again she denied it. After a few weeks she said she wanted a divorce. I told her that I would not beg for her. Well, yesterday everything hit me so hard that I was crying uncontrollably. I went to her crying on my knees begging to save our marriage. That’s when she told me that she had an affair. It lasted for a few months but she had ended it many months back. I have always been totally against cheating and we are both guilty of it. I always said if she cheated I would leave. But I find myself wanting to save our marriage. I know in my heart that she is my soul mate. She is the one god has chosen for me. She agreed to try marriage counseling and she also agreed to see a psychologist for her own issues. She has had bouts of depression her whole life and she was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I’m very angry and hurt. But when I look at her I can still see the woman I fell in love with. We have 3 beautiful children and a house that is truly a HOME. To me, I have everything. I took alot for granted, but now I see I have everything to lose. I just don’t know if she realizes that also. Our communication skills have been horrible for so long. I know our relationship can be mended. I just don’t know if either of us is strong enough. I’ve been guilty of turning my back on gods love. But I know that my world can’t exist without gods help. I need so much guidance that it’s amazing I can even get myself dressed everyday. I need help and I don’t know what to do.
I am jannet,from what I can read. It has been sad news and scam to everyone about Voodoo casters or so. But to me they are so real cause one worked for me not quite two weeks. I traveled down to where his shrine his and we both did the ritual and sacrifice. and now me and my ex are living very ok now.I don’t know about you but Voodoo is real;love marriage,finance, job promotion ,lottery Voodoo,poker voodoo golf Voodoo,Law & Court case Spells,it’s all he does. I used my money to purchase everything he used he never collected a dime from. He told me I can repay him anytime with anything from my heart. Now I don’t know how to do that. If you can help or you need his help write him on nativedoctor101@live.com Thank you.
Hi Rick,
I am praying for you. Hold on to God. Read the book of Hosea http://www.gnpcb.org/esv/search/?q=hosea&src=esv.org. Watch Fireproof (its on youtube).
That sounds so hard. Remember God is stronger. Ask him to love through you, because humanly its impossible, but with Him nothing is impossible. Jesus had an unfaithful bride too–its called the church, its us—hold on to Him cuz He knows everything you are going through. Talk to Him about it. God bless you and I am praying for you.
Hi folks,
I am in a serious situation. I married a girl who was my girl friend for 2 years. And we used to love each other dearly. In between due to family problems we needed to spend 6 months apart. Then last year we got married. All of a sudden after marriage she started feeling aversion and she said she needs space. It was out of the blue, I was shattered. Then I thought give it a time and see. But its been 7 months she is acting very crazily. She lies to me every minute and we are living apart right now. She says that she loves me but even a handshake is also not ok. She irritates me when we meet. She is having seriously bad company over her office. I strongly feel she has an affair and that is fulfilling her sexual needs too. She doesnt care to tell me whats happening and whats not. She takes fight out of any word I talk. Someone tried to help us but she played with them too. She lied to them too badly. In mean time I was upset due to family problems but I didnt get any support that time. Rather she deserted me to feel sick and fool. She doesnt even want to tell me where she is what she is doing. Whenever she is going to do something wrong she calls me or text me its my instinct. I asked for help from her parents too, but they are acting as if they dont care and they r busy in their own partying kind of life style. My parents and family is really unhappy about the situation. My father is very very upset because even her family also dont seem to take interest to solve the problem. There is no one who can tell her whats good and whats wrong.
I just feel helpless. I know marriage is such a sacred thing in life, and thats why I am still hanging on. WHen she met me she flirted with different people on phone knowingly. I strongly feel she got that sexual relation with someone or more. I really feel shameful as I devoted all my love and commitment to this girl. As per your story I told her that we should talk honestly. But being honest what I get is just hurts and insults. I found out that she being flirty and cuddling to other guys and talking evil about me to even people she just met once. If woman is so careless so many guys are lined up for taking advantage. Her boss too waits for her in office late they work on weekends too. She tells she travels she is with her girl friend but even if her parents don’t understand it my instinct is badly hitting my conscience. I am such a honest guy and the thing is that I dont have anyone who can help me truly for this. I am still for positivity of this relation, but she is just not letting me know what she wants. She says we will stay separate but we will not take divorce. I dont know is she is taking time or buying it. I have lost all the faith in love and marriage and feel I want to stay alone whole life. She is really bring lair to everyone including her own parents and manipulating everyone in work place too. I badly need some good advice. We met 3-4 times also but what I see that she irritates me and I feel like she is forcing me to file for divorce. But I really dont want to take financial problems when i din do anything wrong in marriage. We do not have children. Please guys I need fatherly and motherly advice. I am too young to deal with this hard puzzle.
Roo – Sorry to hear you didn’t like the link.
Claire, the show Marriage Uncensored that you linked is horrid. I mean seriously, that is simply terrible television.
I am like the unfaithful wife in the story. I’ve contemplated having an affair many times, Ive come close many times. I get so lonely. I know I need to look to God and not to man to have my needs met but It’s so hard sometimes. My husband and I have not been intimate since 2009. He prefers to look at the girls on the internet, he knows that I burn in lust for him, but he wont even sleep in the same bed with me. Guys hit on me alot so I know Im not ugly. I’ve told my husband how I feel- in the hope that my confessing my sin would make it have less of a hold on me, but he doesn’t change and I still suffer with sexual immorality in my heart even when I don’t necessarily act it out. I keep wishing that he’d leave me so I could find a man who will at least have a conversation with me. My husband doesn’t know anything about me. I wish he’d tell me im attractive, do something besides sit on the couch and get drunk and make a bad example for our kids, I wish he’d at least get angry that I want to have an affair, but not even that makes a dent–i want to be held, I want him to at least kiss me on my head or say hello to me when he comes home from work. I slept around before I met him–but once I got married all that stopped–maybe that is why its so easy for me to go back to that kind of lifestyle (or to be tempted to) even thought it goes against my character and I hate the idea.
No offence but i think you need to grow a pair. Your wife went off and left you for another man till she realized that he was just playing with her.
If she did this once she will do it again. If you dont have the guts to move on it is a good indicator that you are just letting her walk all over you.
No matter what you do hope you will be happy.
If anyone ever wants to talk, you can catch me at …
[ Edit: Sorry guys, it's against our site terms of service to post personal contact information in the comments area so the email addresses had to be removed. We hope that you will be understanding. Thank you taking the time to share in your posts here at TheLife.com. ]
Thanks Jonathan, I am killing her with kindness and th entire truth just come out a little over a month ago….IT is a hard “pill” to accept what happened, but I am working on it. The more I treat her kindly the more remorse she feels and displays…ITs is difficult and when I get the hurt feelings, I go for a drive and cry, scream swear, whatever, but try not to display any of it in her view…
Jonathan, if you want to email me…
[ Edit: Sorry guys, it's against our site terms of service to post personal contact information in the comments area so the email addresses had to be removed. We hope that you will be understanding. Thank you taking the time to share in your posts here at TheLife.com. ]
Hey there folks, I just want to encourage everyone to hang tough. There are days when I think that the resentment is too much, but I focus on the future rather than the past. When I think about the past it makes me want to hate her, but thinking about our future makes me feel hopeful. If God thought about our past and our sins he would be constantly disappointed. I try to see as God sees me. Impossible I know, but I try. And to Jason, I know that feeling when someone has not really apologized, you feel that you cannot trust them. That is where the greatest of courage comes in. Forgiving when they don’t think they need forgiveness. Do it anyhow. Be radical with it. Crazy, I know, but it works. Hug her lovingly, kiss her passionately as if nothing ever happened. And when you struggle with the past resentment, do alone, away from her. I do this every day, It builds character.
hi everybody
here again we see how God s guidance and being attached with religion can help in the worst times in marriage life
That is an amazing story Jonathan. I don’t believe that you are being a doormat at all because I don’t see your response as being walked on. Both of you did wrong and both were repentant. For a moment I thought that ending your relationship would be the easy answer but is it really? How easy is holding on to resentment and bitterness day in and day out? I think divorce sounds much easier that it really is. Somewhere I heard that the majority of divorced people said they would not do it again if they could relive the whole thing.
That’s got to tell you something.
My wife sat down one day and told me that she was moving on with a married man, he was leaving his wife and she was leaving me. It was her assistant. It was strange but I felt sorry for her. I never would have guessed this was going to happen. We had just gotten back together after being separated for one year. I always stayed close to her being that we have 2 daughters. I pleaded with her and somehow the church even supported her in the divorce and I was the minister. I was ruined and confused. I started drinking and dating other women, non-christian women. Her affair with guy ended but she started online dating. One day a guy she started to really like took her to see the movie “Fireproof”. Little did he know that she was going to dump him after the movie. She avoided contact him with him and set out to renew a relationship with me. I had no knowledge of this, but about the same week I was laying beside a woman claiming to be pregnant with my child. I began to pray and ask God for guidance. She began to curse me. I immediately dismissed myself from the relationship. The very next morning, the ex-wife called me frustated about her messy house and asked if I could help her clean. This was a regular occasion throughout our 2.5 year divorce, but there was something different about this time. The very night before I told God that I was ready to have my family back. Could this be his answer to my prayers, or just another episode of helping the ex clean up after the 2 crazy kids? I pondered this for 3 days after cleaning the house. Why, because I normally would clean, play with the girls, maybe share a brief intimate moment with the wife and it was over for anther 6 months. This was 3 days and she seemed different. On day 3 I told that I could not keep my secret from her. Before I could utter another word, she quickly stated, “she’s pregnant isn’t she?” I stopped dumbfounded. “How did you know” I asked ? “Just a hunch” she answered. I was scared but relieved. It felt good to tell the truth. She then stated, “we’ll get through this, I raised 2 girls one more can’t hurt”. My faith was then renewed, but greatly tested over the next 8 months. Today after 8 months of trial by fire, she and I will be married this coming weekend 6/6/2009, 3 days from our original anniversary. This is happening even before we get the DNA results to see if this child is even mine. God is so good. Joe and the rest of you guys, don’t lose heart. I am a big mess and God still cleaned me up. I don’t deserve what I have, but thanks to Christ, I can have it all. Don’t be afraid, live.
Joe, are you just trolling or do you really mean that? This woman repented decades ago and now goes around telling other people not to make the same mistake. These two have learned mutual respect for each other and learned how to try to keep each other happy.
also if we take our matrimonial life from the begining based on religion and what GOD said about marriage i do not think that one of the partner can have the ability to have any sexual affair with any one why ? SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A RELIGIOUS CONSCIOUS HOLD HIM BAKC
alla i can say is that we must make our marriage based on religion and its principal then i am sure GOD helps and also matrimonial life become happier
Rebuilting and recovering from a shattered affair does not come that easy.Its a toll order and need the total understanding of all those involved.When love has been on the rocks,reinventing it need miracles more so if a love triangle is involved.Seeking divine intervention in reversing the status quo may be the only way forward.I would advise people not to stretch their affairs to the limit coz not all have the patience to understand the vexing nature of the affair.We all want easy things in life so is love.It must not at all complicates itself lest most of us will pull out.
Be guided accordingly.Personally I love myself more than any other person including her so room for mistakes must be minimal.
William, It is late for me, but I hope you can get through your pain and not blame either of you and have trust in the Lord as you both start anew in your marriage and let sleeping dogs lie. Get the book The Love Dare and Keep the faith. (wish Firefroop came out a few years ago I may not have been in divorce court after 28 years if I had a little guidence ( then older sons problems, and the world outside our marriage may not have mattered ) for our marriage would have had a better foundation. Akso if you have a church in your area with an (A.C.T.S.) ACTS GROUP that may help you build your faith open to other faiths not only catholics! God Bless, Leo
Joe, try to see a movie called Fire Proof (Fireproof !) I can not say if you should see it with your wife or without, I seen it with wife after we decided to seperate but in my case she thought I seen it before that time and she was unhappy ! It is basicly about a marriage gone bad ( ? of wife and affair come into play slightly )
movie has Kirk Cameron in as leading star and ? producer ( he was from Growing pains series of yester year ) Heavy christian movie but I thought it was great and a dose of reality with a touch of humor ending was GOOD ! Much Peace I hope things work out in the positive for you! I think marriage cousel would help you see you do not need details and just need to rebuild trust and move on with GOD and faith in your wife by your side. God Bless!
Joe: Part of me totally agrees with you. Fortunately, life isn’t so black and white. Love can transcend hurt to allow forgiveness.
Jason: Check out marriage uncensored and feel free to use our Talk to a Mentor button on the top right of the screen to get plugged in to some people that can come alongside you through the struggle.
This husband is a doormat. Leave the unfaithful bitch.
Jason, have you ever seen the show Marriage Uncensored? I think it’s on PBS. They have some fantastic advice on all aspects of marriage. I checked their website and they have an episode that deals specifically with marriages where it’s the woman who had an affair (so much of the material out there is only about men’s affairs) and also gives some great tools for talking about it and getting your marriage back on track. You can watch the full episode free online. Also, check out their site MarriageUncensored.com — they have a ton of other resources there as well. The fact that you both want to stay married is huge. It doesn’t fix everything, but it’s a great place to build from.
I have read many articles and many books all which have had great articles and advice. Four years ago my wife had a sexual affair out of town in another country(her home country). She came back and instantly I knew she had done something wrong. She denied it. Then I found some emails, and found her talking to him on the telephone. Again, she denied ever having sex and that they just had lunch. This guy was her ex of ten years. We went through a lot and I moved out . It was hell. After 8 months we got back together and its been four years now. I was on track until while we were in LAs Vegas she tells me the truth in a hotel room. She had sex with him and kept the emotional part going on the telephone for 8 months.
For me, its like it happened yesterday and for her, she has gotten over all of it and wants to move on. We are not on the same page and this makes it difficult for me. She doesnt want to think about it, or dwell on it. She wants to stay married but does not want to look into the situation. We are planning to attend a seminar for couples facing infidelity and I hope that opens her eyes as to impact on me and reasons why I want to discuss it. Does anyone have any advice on how to get us on the same page??
william, thank you for taking the time to share with us. It is can be a very difficult situation when a marriage faces these sort of issues, and one in which you’ll need careful discernment and prayer to guide you.
For this sort of issue, it can often help to talk by email to one of our online mentors. It’s free and confidential. You’ll be matched with an appropriate mentor who can guide you in your journey through your email conversations with them. If you’re interested, please visit this page:
http://thelife.com/talk-to-a-mentor/
this article has helped me beyond belief but i
still have long way to go with my wife it’s like
i am seeing our history of marriage in front of
me.my story so just a like i need god to help
i am still hurt by what my did but,love her and
want spend my life with her thx