Comments on: My Wife’s Affair Shattered our Marriage

By: Jamie

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 22:02:55 +0000

Wow Mark! You have been hit from every side: your marriage, your business, your health. It kind of reminds me of the story of Job in the Bible. He also questioned why God allowed him to stay alive. Job is a great example of how we can honestly go through tragedy. Job didn’t pull any punches with God; he was persistent in telling God that the treatment he was receiving was not fair and that he wanted to know why he had to deal with all of the pain. Through it all Job still honoured God but he honestly poured out his frustration and pain before God. And in the middle of Job’s honest, vulnerable and blunt words to God, the Creator of the universe met with him in a whole new way. God never tried to answer Job’s “Why?” or but showed Himself to Job in such a deep and real way that Job could only fall down on his face and worship God. Job said, “Before my ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You.” (Job 42:5)

I don’t know why God has allowed all of this stuff to happen to you Mark. I can’t imagine how devastating that would be. But I do know that if you honestly come to God and persistently demand to be heard, He will show Himself to you.

Do you have people in your life that can help you listen to God? Job’s friends weren’t much help because they got caught up in trying to defend God and accuse Job. God doesn’t need that kind of help but there are people who will help you to listen to God and hear what He has to say to you. You will find those kinds of people amongst our online mentors. They will help you to hear God’s voice in the Bible and to pursue Him in prayer. If you fill out the form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor one of our mentors will send you an email to start the conversation.

Let me pray for you: Lord God there is no easy way to respond to a person in Mark’s circumstances. I ask Lord that Your purposes would be accomplished in his life. I pray that You would provide for his needs physical, material, emotional, relational and spiritual. Lead and guide him in making wise choices. Give him strength to face all the challenges that come at him. Lift him out of the muck of despair and depression and place him on the solid ground of faith in You alone. Amen.

By: mark

mark — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 04:50:12 +0000

My wife of 35 years had an 11 month affair with her high school sweetheart. I discovered it a year and 8 months ago. She has done nothing but lie to me. I was willing to forgive and make our marriage work. She said she was remorseful and wanted to stay married, but I kept finding where she was looking for him on the computer. She would continue to promise me that it would stop and it was over and I should get over it and move on but she kept looking. We went to therapy but she would lie to the therapist. Her stories changed so many times I broke out laughing one time. I had heard 4 stories all completely different. Finally one year later I found her still looking. I was over our marriage at that point. She continued to lie to me for a year after she stopped the affair and kept promising me it was nothing. She wants to stay married but I don’t. I was in the hospital 5 years ago for six months and one day. There are only .6% of the people that ever live through what I had. I am self employed but I cannot work 40 hours a week, 30 is about tops. I cannot make enough money to live separate and keep my company going. I am stuck and cannot leave. It is very difficult to have sex with her. She knows I am not happy and do not want to stay married but she does. Being alone is her greatest fear. I prayed to God why did he save my life to make me go through all this agony. Emotional pain is far worse than physical pain. It was difficult to being a successful business man, a good father and husband and in 5 years it is all gone. My kids still love and support me. I had insurance but it stopped at one million, I still owed nearly 4 million. I had a net worth of over 3 million but I had to file bankruptcy because I could not pay back 4 million. I lost everything, my retirement, my wife, my self esteem, and my company is only a shell of what it was 5 years ago because I cannot work enough and still get days where I am too sick to go to work. I am a lost soul wandering through the muck of despair and depression.

By: Jamie

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 22:58:22 +0000

Scott let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors. They can be great people to share with and explore possible next steps. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor

By: Scott

Scott — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 15:51:48 +0000

I need someone who’s been through this to email me please [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]

By: Jamie

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 17:57:01 +0000

Mary, that must have been a terrible thing to hear from your husband. Being betrayed by your best friend and husband is a huge loss. I have some friends who went through similar situation. It was such a blow for her to find out that her husband and best friend (of many, many years) had been sleeping together. The friend and her husband (both leaders in their church) were going through a breakdown in their marriage and she had found a sympathetic ear in my friend’s husband. One thing led to another and soon they were meeting for sex. It was a devastating indiscretion that rocked two families, their church and the small towns where they lived.

I share that because today, some 12 years later, both marriages are intact, the friendship has been renewed and it was only possible because of Jesus Christ’s involvement. I know things seem very bleak right now but I would encourage you to look to Jesus for your strength, comfort and wisdom for knowing how to move forward. He can take this awful mess that your husband and friend have made and create something that defies explanation. Another couple who tell their story of betrayal and reconciliation are the Scruggs. You can watch them explain how Jesus made a difference in their broken marriage at http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again.

I know that right now things seem overwhelming but Jesus promises that He will carry you through this storm and give you rest. You may be familiar with the 23rd Psalm which says, “The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.” Even in the presence of those who have betrayed you He will fill your life with an overflowing blessing. Even in the dark valley when you don’t know where you are going and you don’t know where the next tragedy is going to come from, He is right there with you, guarding and comforting and guiding you all the way. All of my friends, the ones who betrayed and the ones who were betrayed, would all testify to the truth of that Psalm. Jesus is the Good Shepherd and with His help you can face anything.

Let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you discover how Jesus wants to help you through these dark days. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.

Lord God I pray for Mary. She needs to experience Your comfort right now because she does not know where to turn. The ones she should have trusted have betrayed her and she is still reeling from the hurt. God I ask that You would guide her through this dark valley that she is in and protect her from further hurt. Bring people into her life who can help her to find strength in You. I pray for her husband and friend that they too would discover how You can lead them in the wake of their cruel choices, and heal their hearts as well. I pray for their daughter that You would protect her from the hurt that can come through this broken trust. I pray that You would intercede and create a miracle out of this mess. In Jesus’ name, amen.

By: Jamie

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:06:11 +0000

Joe D, I want to expand on what you wrote “our faith tells us to forgive”. If it was just a matter of our faith telling us to forgive we could choose not to or legalistically forgive but not really forgive in our hearts. But as a follower of Jesus we are no longer just follower of a faith but we have been transformed so that our hearts reflect the character of God Himself. Since God is a forgiving God we too have a strong desire to forgive others. That’s why you are struggling with this right now: yes, your heart is broken because of what your wife has done, but your transformed heart is also crying out to extend forgiveness to your wife the same way that Christ has extended forgiveness to you. That desire in your heart is something to thank God for. It is evidence that He is in control of your life and creating the character of Christ in you.

To me, that is an exhilarating truth to know because if Christ’s character is being formed in you then you can also trust that He will guide you on how to respond to your wife (and every other situation in your life as well, but this is what we are talking about right now…) So my encouragement to you is to ask God to help you to let go of the stress of what to do. You don’t need to add that to your already strained emotions. Remember that Jesus promised “Come to me all of you who are weary and weighed down, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) Also, talk to God about what He wants you to do. Remember that reassuring Proverb “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5) That is not just a pithy saying. It is the promise of God! He will direct all aspects of your life. He also promised, “I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) His plans for you include how you can respond to your wife’s hurtful infidelity. Forgiveness will be a part of whatever He leads you to but it may be that He directs you to stay with her and rebuild your marriage together. It may be that He leads you to a separation or even divorce (I would really want to make sure that it was God that was directing me toward divorce before I make any moves in that direction). Whatever it is you can know that God has a plan for you, for your daughters and for your wife. He will accomplish that plan in His perfect way. But in your heart you will know what it means to forgive: if you remain married you will not hold that over her like some kind of control tactic, if you separate you will not harbour bitterness and anger towards her. As you trust in the Lord and seek His will He will fill your heart with a pure forgiveness that can only be described as divine.

So how do you seek God’s will? Pray! In any and every circumstance talk to Him. Let him know about your anger and hurt no matter how dark it is. Tell him about your concerns for your daughters and for your own future happiness. Ask Him how He wants you to respond when your wife says or does something. Talk and listen to Him. He is there and He is listening and speaking.

Also, scour the Bible for direction from Him. There isn’t anything that He will tell you to do that is opposed to what He has revealed in His Word, the Bible. So know what it says about marriage and divorce; about forgiveness and repentance; about love and selflessness. He will speak to you through the Bible but you will also be prepared to identify the lies that come to you from other sources.

Also, immerse yourself in a community of followers of Jesus who can support you, encourage you, correct you, and direct you. God often uses other people to speak to us and so we need to be in a place where we are vulnerable before other followers of Jesus and where they can show us God’s love. Asking your question here is a part of that kind of vulnerability and openness to God speaking through other people.

The more you engage in these activities the more your heart and mind will be sensitized to the voice of God and be able to follow where He leads you. Remember Jesus saying, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27) You will learn to know His voice and He will give you the courage to follow Him no matter what.

Lord God I pray for Joe D. You know the deep hurt that he suffers because of his wife’s unfaithfulness. You know the confusion in his heart of knowing what to do. I pray that You would grant him peace. I pray that You would give him rest from the stress. I pray that You would guide his steps and help him to hear and follow Your leading. I pray for his daughters. Guard their hearts from bitterness. Protect them from the hurt of broken families. Help them to also hear Your voice and know Your peace and leading in their lives. I pray for Joe’s wife. Help her to be truly repentant. Heal her emotions from the depression that has held her captive for so long. Guide her steps towards reconciliation with her husband and family and set her feet on Your path forever. Heal this family O Lord and through this terrible hurt produce something beautiful. In Jesus’ name, amen.

By: Mary

Mary — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 12:50:11 +0000

Its been a month since my husband told me about his 2 months affair with my best friend whom we always hung out with. He would meet up with her during lunch break and bring her to our home and have sex while I am at work. I am devasted and we have a 2 year old daughter together. My husband is remorseful and wants to stay with me but I cannot love him again. I cannot forget the affair. Every time I look at hime, I remember her. Its so painful. I just want to die.

By: Joe D.

Joe D. — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:06:34 +0000

I have been married for 14 years, i have 2 daughters, 13 and 10, i recently discovered my wife was having an affair, lasted about 2 months…she has suffered from depression all of our married life, i don’t know what to do…the Christian in me wants to forgive her for the sake of our family and children….but i cant seem to get there….she is remorseful and realizes what i’m dealing with….half of me wants her to leave, and the other half wants to protect what we have…i have put her up on a pedastool for 14 years, so i’m obviously crushed….my daughters will be devastated if we get divorced, i’m the one that takes them to mass each week and our faith tells us to forgive….i dont know what to do

By: Jamie

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:25:24 +0000

You’re right Len, it is a brutal thing to hear that your spouse has betrayed your love like that. Fortunately there is hope for reconciliation. Jesus is able to rebuild broken marriages and make them more beautiful than they were before. I have referred people to go and see the story of the Scruggs at http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again. I have friends as well who have had marriages rocked by infidelity and affairs that God is healing and making new. It is a wonderful thing to see.

To answer your question, I am a man, husband of one wife and father of 4.

By: Len

Len — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:24:55 +0000

Thanks for your post Jaime
Maybe you are right.. I am not an expert..I just saw how devastated and torn my friend is after his wife told him about her affair which she had ended quite some time ago. By the way Jaime are you a man or a lady I am curious since i think both may have different views..