Rebuilding Trust

Written by Lynette Hoy NCC, LCPC

Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.

One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.

What does trusting someone signify?

Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.

Does your husband watch porn? Read “Hardcore Betrayal.”

There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings; therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.

Adjust your expectations

Love & God
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.

Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.

Unconditional love is patient and kind

It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.

You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.

If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.

Take a look at yourself as well

You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it), but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.

Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and a spirit of humility will prove the depth of your love and commitment.

The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.

The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes; not one of us can live up to the standard God has set. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The record can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience the wonderful plans He has for your life.


585 Responses to “Rebuilding Trust”

  • Elkay says:

    Ann, I am very sorry to learn about your very difficult situation and I wish I had words that could make things better for you. Obviously if your boyfriend loved you with a love that could be the basis for a God-honoring marriage, you would not have feelings of mistrust, deviousness and dishonesty and he would not be thinking all is OK.

    Marriage can succeed if both partners unselfishly put the others well-being ahead of their own and the above article points out that we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. Your boyfriend is the father of your child and your child’s future life is closely tied with how all this pans out. We can rebuild trust in broken relationships when we make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.

    The article reminds us that God is our source of strength for today and hope for the future and as always He offers us new chances to align our lives with Him at the center. This can be done by trusting Jesus as Lord and Savior and we have mentors who are freely available and can lead you in this direction as well as come alongside you with comfort and support as you continue your struggles. If you will hit the Talk to a Mentor button on this webpage, someone will reply to you in confidence by email, learn more about you and try to help you move on from where you now are. Let me pray,

    “Heavenly Father, Ann is in a challenging state right now and has asked for help. You have invited all of us to come boldly to Your throne of grace to receive Your mercy and find grace to help us when we need it most. We always seek to act within Your will and so we ask that as Ann and her boyfriend seek to resolve their relationship, Your Holy Spirit will give them the desire, knowledge and strength to lead their lives in a way that brings glory and honor to You and Your Son, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For it is in His name that we bring this prayer to You. Amen.”

  • Ann says:

    Hi there,

    My name is Ann and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. We lived together for a couple of years and I became pregnant which was the best thing that happened to me. He however wasnt..I found out while I was pregnant that he has been cheating on me. When I confronted him; he lied about it and eventually owned up. My mom died and that was the time he got his chance to come back into my life but was abscent for most of my pregnancy.
    I am to this day unable to trust him cause I feel he’s very devious and very dishonest. He still fails to tell me the whole story and hides who this woman is although I got a strong suspision and I know her. I am miserable most of the time and cant seem to move on from this although he pretends that everything is okay. Tried to end things with him numerous times but he just ignores me. I am at breaking point and dont know what to do anymore.


  • Sharon says:

    to Chelsy. as the title says rebuilding trust show him you miss him and care about him and is meaning it. are you both Christians? if you are, Christ died for our sins and always forgives us. ok for him it might take awhile to forgive you. let him have that time. but if he doesn’t want to forgive you maybe this guy is not for you. if you both are not Christians then if you can if you want to become Christians say this God I repent of my sins, come into my life because you died for me and you love me I now accept you as my LORD and SAVIOR COME INTO MY LIFE NOW amen I am praying for you becoming a Christian its not an easy life but it is a joyous life– sharon

  • Chelsy Esculudes says:

    Well ive been dating this guy for 7 months and everything was so perfect at the begining.We moved really fast in the relationship and actually thaught about getting married on the 3rd or 4th month of our relationship but we said it was too soon,too fast and lets see where this relationship will take us to.Towards the end,i deceived him.I started to feel insecure,and started thinking alot in my head because of my past relationships,that towards the end everythjng starts to change,and my insecurity led me to do something terrible and hurt him really bad.And today,i regret it so much..its still fresh,it happened a week ago.
    I emotionally cheated on him,I met a guy on the sunday of that week,thru social media and ive never even met the guy.We started talking,Monday we continued talking,so tuesday things got intense.We started talking more and getting more comfortable with each other,and i exchanged an intimate picture with him and had intimate conversations with him too.But out of all,it was not intentional to hurt my “boyfriend” or anything of such,i regret it so much and id like to fix things.
    He’s pretty mad and hurt about it and like he said he would never look at me the same way,or ever talk to me or even have faith in our relationship or me and asked me not to day these three words”i love you” which i know i do,very much.He said is done getting hurt or being in relationships…hut right now he offered to have a basic,friendship relationship with him and ive accepted.
    I ruined his plans for new years and he was going to propose to me as that was my biggest dream with him and he knows how much i wanted it.
    He says he still loves me but does not want to anymore.He shows that he moved on in life,but how quick is that?
    I feel really awful for hurting him and id really want some advice on how i could win his trust back,because i am not ready to loose him.I feel so lonely and if he had me as his priority of not loosing me,he would consider giving me a second chance right ?
    He says he wont give me a second chance or forgive me.What should i do?
    Thank you for your time.

  • Sharon says:

    it is hard to rebuild trust with someone who doesn’t want to have to rebuild the trust even though you wanted it too– sharon

  • Gustav says:

    Hi. When I met my wife she told me that she’s still a virgin and so was I. When we had sex for the first time there were blood coming from her virgina. We’ve been dating for 5 years and married 12 years. In our first 5 years while we were dating I had a feeling that she is seing someone els. I’ve asked her about it andshe denied it. One night she went to the club with her work friends and and came home the next morning. I’ve asked her with whom she was and where she slept and she told me that she was with her girlfriend and there were no men involved. A week later, she told me that she want to spend some time with me and going to fix her self up for the day with me and I can go home and come back in 1 hours time. To fetch her. When I came back she was gone. Her parents told me that a male friend came and she went with him for the day to his mother’s house. When she came back I’ve asked her where she was then she told me that she went to her his mother’s house to help baking cookies. Well, I didn’t believed it.

    A few weeks later he came to her and took herr out. When they came back the evening, they were drinking. The kissed. And she took the last drink and kissed again then he depart and she came in and saw me standing there but talked nothing. The next day I asked her where she was and she told me thad she were with her friend. I asked her why she’s lying and I saw them and she acused me of lying and I was the one who was drunk.

    Not long after that happening, I was confronted by another guy. He asked me if she was a virgin when I met her then I told him, yes she was and so was I and that makes me happy because we are getting married. He told me that he was her first sex friend. I didn’t believe him. Her sister came to me at a time after that day and asked me if I know that she was not a virgin and she had her period and it just stopped that time.

    A few days ago my mind told me that somethings not write and I should ask her about all this and so I did ask her. She told me that I’m crazy and I’m the only one she had and the people who told me this stuff are jealous and always has been jealous of us that’s y they lie and they are trying to break our marriage up. I kept asking for a while and then she told me that the guy who confronted me was her first and I. Was her third. I’ve asked her who was second, then she told me it’s a guy she had before we dated. I asked her why she lied to me about everything and what about the guy whom she kissed. She couldn’t answer me. I’ve asked her why did she lie about her virginity and she still tell me that I broke her virginity because the other two guys didn’t and couldn’t do it. I told her that I’ve never cheated on her and I couldn’t do that and I’ve trusted her. And in the first 4 years we’ve been dating we ha 2 kids and now we have 3 kids and I love them with all I have in me. I’ve asked her if any of our kids is not mine because I don’t want to raise a kid that is not mine but another man’s kid who conceived in a cheating relationship. She said the kids are all mine. I excepted the kids because they have my DNA but I still don’t believe her and I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt her because I know she’s still lying to me and still having secrets that she don’t want me to know about. I have never hit my wife. And she’s always on her phone and when she see me then she switch it off. When I ask her about it then she tells me that I’m seeing things. The passed 6 years we hardly had sex. Maybe once or twice a month we had sex, sometimes 4 times a month. Now, since I’ve asked her these questions, we are having sex 2 to 3 times a day every day. And it’s been for the last 5 days that I’m having sex. Now that makes me very suspicious and I don’t know what to do. Please help me solve my problem. Please tell me, should I divorce my wife or can it be fixed.

  • Renee says:

    I have been having relationship problems. My BF has not done anything to cause distrust but I think I never forgave people that have caused distrust in the past. I have learned I have to forgive those in the past before I can trust again. I know God can help me accomplish this. I was hoping someone could share some scriptures that will help me with this. I also broke trust with my BF because of my distrust I accused him of cheating and wanting to leave me but none of that was true. I was just getting crazy in my own head.

  • Aldo says:

    Hopeless, I believe that God allows situations and circumstances to come about in our relationships so that we can step back and view them objectively, or in a way that is not influenced by personal feelings or opinions. We cannot allow our feelings to make ineffective what the Lord is doing in our lives, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)

    Many times the Lord brings these things about because He has something far better in store for you. So, give your heart completely to Him, and trust Him to bring about the very best for you.

  • Hopeless says:

    Hi please help i am at my wits end and need assistance please. i broke up with ny boyfriend of nearly 2 years after having months of fights and break ups. after the relationship he struggled and wanted to be get back but my heart was so sore that i rejected him and telling him a lie that broke his trust. i saw him a few months back and all the feelings i had for him came back and i made contact its been three months that i have been trying to get win him back but he doesn’t seem interested in anything. i have prayed about this but I’m always faced with him in my thoughts and not sure if this is the Lords way of telling to let go or to never give up we are being civil but my heart is not easy its so sad and i miss him dearly. what can i do?

  • Sharon says:

    to Kristin I feel for you I can’t imagine on what you are going through it is hard to get past that. forgive him saying to yourself I forgive him and ask God to let it go I pray that Christians will come along your path to encourage you in the faith I am praying for you– sharon

  • Kristin says:

    Hi ive been w my bf almost 4 yrs. We have had troubles every year. This past week it blew up! I found out he cheated. He tells me he has resentment towards me because i say i am going to do things and i never do them! Which at yimes is true! But he doesnt show ANY emotional support or affection and i in return get cold and dont feel like doing them.
    Like i stated he cheated i confronted him and he denied it. Little does he kniw i got into his phone and saw the text messages. I am wanting him to come clean to me before i have to tell him
    Look u always told me you have nothing to hide so i looked in your phone and figured your password out and saw the messages now do you understand the hurt i have! How will i be able to EVER TRUST you again? I never strayed nor even thought of it!
    Please anyone how do you get past this?

  • Sharon says:

    to confused if your husband is verbally abusive if you can take your children and leave him no one should listen to any abusive words. tell him you are leaving with the children and ask him to go for counseling can I suggest for you to go for counseling too on what you went through prayer father God I pray for confused protect this person and the children and I that if they can leave to a safe place and I pray for the husband to get counseling too I pray that this wife can leave and bring Christians along her path for encouragement and I pray for dreams and visions for her to leave to be with them at this time I pray all of this in JESUS name amen I am praying for you sharon

  • Confused says:

    Hi I’m a 26 year old woman.i have been married for 5 years with 3kids, my husband is verbally abusive he told me he doesn’t want to be with me a lot. But he is still here I’m so confused he says he is seey and did not mean it then he does it again. I don’t know what why to do, then I found out that he followed a prostitute home, he says he was just making fun of her but I don’t believe him I’m here for that sake of kids. I don’t even think he loves because I wud never cheat on him even I cud have in many ocvations. Please help me don’t know why to do anymore

  • CJ says:

    Been a hard few years as my wife has disconnected from me and last summer I exposed a 2-year emotional affair she was having with a man in our church. We have been married 20-plus years and have spent the last year doing individual and marital counseling. It has been rough as we had to leave our church of 9-plus years since the other man and his family still attended the church, so we have had to look for a new place of refuge and, in the process, have lost nearly every friend from our former church.

    Now we are at a point that the tension still remains in our home as we sold our house of 10-plus years in January, did a housesitting/rental stint for a few months, are living with friends right now with two of our children and are preparing to move into yet another rental in two weeks.

    Both my wife and I are weary of the tension, the unknown future, wanting to move from the area but not finding any jobs so we can start anew, having to move for the third time in 7 months and the arguments that still erupt from time to time as we both have a lack of trust in areas about each other.

    So our counselor suggested that we try a controlled separation that could ease the tension between the two of us. I am hesitant because in our 23-plus years of our relationship, I have always been the pursuer while she has been the independent avoider type. I fear that once we are apart, she will realize that it is more freeing to be apart than it is to be together and she will enjoy the time away from me and want to call it quits. She is so amazing and so gorgeous that she will be an easy catch for any guy who pursues her, so it is hard for me to even comprehend that a trial controlled separation would mean nothing more than a divorce and the end of our marriage covenant.

    Please pray because I really don’t know what to do. I have given her so much space in this past year to try and reconnect (even though she is the one who disconnected from me during some very painful years where I reached out to her and — as she puts it — smothered her emotionally and became to needy and clingy during years I was unemployed and is a very depressed state in life). I love this woman so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with her in the marital covenant that God established between us. I want us to be reconciled into a new foundation established in Christ and to use the pain that has divided us for God’s glory!

  • Elkay says:

    Hurting, what I am about to suggest is probably not what you want to read but it gets to the core of what love and marriage truly are. Bottom line, if you actually love or care about “this guy”, then you should stay awake from him while he is doing the right thing by trying to be a father to his children; in the process, perhaps he and his “ex” will restore their marriage.

    I say this because restoring their marriage is important to God who created marriage as a sacred institution in which man and woman reflect His image, worship Him and serve Him. Ephesians 5 tells us that marriage is also a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church He gave Himself for. We are told to “love God with all our heart” and when we do anything to strengthen a marriage, ours or another’s, we are doing what is important to God.

    Love means using all the resources available to you for the well-being of the other party; it means sacrificing what is important to you for their benefit, whether they appreciate it or acknowledge it or not. Jesus Christ is our role model for true love; He gave His life for us and we certainly did not deserve that. So in your situation, do everything you can to increase the odds that “this guy’s” broken marriage can be repaired . . . and I believe that means maintaining a great distance between you two.

  • Hurting says:

    Hi Ive been seeing this guy for 2 years but a little while after he told me that his ex was pregnant & he had to be with her for the kids. So we continued seeing each other. In December last year we went through a rough patch & I slept with someone else. It wasn’t planned. I did not tell him. He found out 2 wks ago & doesn’t want to see or talk to me anymore. I got him to come over last wk & we ended up having sex but it was awkward & he hasn’t spoken to me since. I stayed loyal to him the whole time apart from that 1 time. How will I get his forgiveness?

  • vii says:

    how can i get my girlfriend to stop hating me

  • Helen says:

    airwoman keep praying the power of a praying wife for her husband is very important pray to God ask him for strength & patients ask God what he wants or your life and what’s his plan God can restore your marriage and make it stronger then ever remember God will do what’s best for us even if that means closing one door and opening other doors in our life stay positive & have faith no matter which way it goes pray to the lord he will guide you I pray god heals your broken heart and lifts you up at his time :)

  • AirWoman says:

    Godly Advice & Prayers will be more than appreciated.
    I am 24yrs old and married the man of my dreams, after praying and keeping myself pure and rooted in God I had the privilege to walk down the isle having accomplished all that I wanted, I was proud of myself and I knew my parents were proud too. I felt like a dove on my wedding day, beaming with happiness. My husband and I got married last year in October in a little church where my parents had gotten married 25yrs ago.
    Anyway, my husband had to leave me behind to go to another country to finish his studies, he decided to settle and get a job so that he could take me there, its been 8 months and I am still in my parents home. There is always some excuse…
    The last few months have been hard for me, I found out he was having an affair, then I found out that woman is pregnant, then I found out that he married her.
    I`ve spoken to her and she tells me to go to hell, leave her and her husband alone. I am dying slowly bit by bit, asking my Father in heaven why did He allow me to go through this, I love my husband. I came to him pure, having not been soiled by another man, was it because I am an amateur? Was it because I am not beautiful like that woman. I have so much pain inside no one will understand. my family (parents excluded) talk about me, that my husband left me and will never come back, I hear rumors and I cant take it anymore. I forgave him, I have but it hurts. I love him more than I ever did before. How is this possible?
    I am old fashioned in the sense that I love how woman submits to a man, once married she makes him her king, does everything for him and gives him her all everyday, this has been my dream and i have given him everything.
    I would even kneel down and wash my husbands feet. To me that’s love, unconditional love. To die to myself for him.
    People say leave him,he married her, she is going to give him a child.
    what about me? I am his wife, His wife, He married me in a church, i said vows to him and our marriage was sealed in blood.
    How do i leave him? Even a pastor said i should leave, how can she say that?
    Where is for better or worse? till death do us part? Have people forgotten???

    Christ hates divorce, i will stand.
    i will wait. I’m trying my best…
    Please no negative comments, i need prayers, hope…
    Jesus help me :'(

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Rumi, the way to make him believe you is to be honest with him. If you continue to say that there are things that you cannot be honest about he will have a hard time trusting you. Words are significant, so when you say “I could not tell him the truth…” suggest that you are justifying your deception. That is an attitude that is difficult to trust. It implies that you were unable to control your truth telling, which leaves room for you to be in a similar situation in the future where you cannot tell the truth. It would be better to say, “I was afraid of telling the truth” because it acknowledges your responsibility in the choice. It also leaves room for you to acknowledge that it was a wrong choice and one that you will not repeat. That distinction is as much for your own sake as it is for his sake.

    So one way you could help rebuild trust is to honestly acknowledge to him that you were wrong to lie about those details to him, that you were afraid, but that you will not allow fear to be in control of your truth telling in the future.

    I know that can seem impossible, but Jesus’ promise to you is that “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit” (John 15:5) That fruit Jesus referred to is His righteousness; as you abide in Jesus, allowing Him to lead every choice you make, He will lead you to live as He did without succumbing to fear. Paul wrote, “Walk by the Spirit, and you will not satisfy the desires of your sinful nature.” (Galatians 5:16) Again, following the leading of the Holy Spirit will result in righteousness not sinfulness. Do you want to know more about how to ‘walk by the Spirit’? Have a look at this study series called “How You Can Walk In The Spirit”

    Let me pray for you: Lord Jesus I pray for Rumi and ask that You would help her to overcome the clutches of fear, and instead live every moment under the direction of Your Spirit. Help her to abide in You and through that, bear fruit that reflects Your perfection. You know her desire to rebuild trust with the man she loves; I pray that Your Spirit would lead her to make those choices that will help build that trust with him. Thank You that we can always trust that You will never lead us wrong, and that You are able to make miracles even in our messes. Amen.

    Let me know what you think of the study Rumi. I look forward to hearing back from you.

  • Rumi says:

    Hi Jamie,
    I really love this man. As i could not tell him the truth in one go but in parts which has broken him. Now he wont trust me that i am totally true to him. He has become an intregral part of my life. And i just want to win his trust. I have been connected to jesus from childhood. I believe in him. I want everything to be fine between me and my man. How to make him believe…

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hello Broken Heart, I am so sorry to hear about the way your family is falling apart right now. I am glad to hear that both you and your husband have a strong connection to God. In her article, Lynette talks about receiving forgiveness for yourself by putting your faith in Jesus’ death to pay the penalty for your sins. Is that something that you have done? If so, could you tell me about that? When did you make that choice? How has it influenced your life?

    In the meantime, let me pray for you: Lord Jesus I pray for this couple and their family. Lord You know all the brokenness that is there and how everything seems to be falling apart. I pray that You would help guide them both to bring healing and wholeness to their marriage. Help them to navigate all the complexities of the hurts that are there. Guard their children from the hurt of seeing the rifts in their parents’ marriage. Amen.

    There is a video that I have seen that tells the story of a broken marriage, torn apart by infidelity , that was miraculously healed through a relationship with Jesus, Have a look at it and be encouraged of what Jesus can do.

    I look forward to hearing back from you

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Rumi, a relationship that is built on deception can be very shaky. It can be scary to be totally honest with someone but if you have to lie to keep that person you can be sure that things will not work out. If God is bringing the two of you together He will do that without having to lie. Your trust can be in Jesus to heal your relationship rather than any scheme you can come up with. I recommend that you be totally honest with this man and put the future of your relationship with him in Jesus’ hands. If He is bringing the two of you together He will lead you to say and do the things that will make that happen.

    Tell me about your relationship with Jesus. How did you come to be a follower of Jesus? What ways does Jesus influence you?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Shawn, do you want to give her another chance? Have you guys talked about what happened and why she left you? I would want to know why things would be any different this time, if you did get back together. Have you considered going to meet with a family counselor? It is very helpful to have a trained professional to help the two of you walk through the complexities of your relationship and help give some tools to make it stronger and healthier. Do you have someone in your life that you could go to like that? A Pastor or a marriage counselor?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Kay, sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

    So do you think that you are staying with him because you have hope that he will change and the love you felt for him at the beginning will return? Or is it that you are afraid that if you leave him you will be alone?

    I know that when I am in a place where I can figure out my own motivations I have found that taking those questions to Jesus and asking for His help has really made a difference. Have you ever talked to Jesus about things like this? There is a video I saw recently that shares the story of a woman who was going through a difficult marriage and how Jesus has made a difference in her life Let me know what you think of her story.

  • Broken Heart says:

    Hello, I read your article above and it really spoke to me, it was as thought you were speaking directly to me. I am a 43 year old woman married for 20years have 3 beautiful kids with my husband..and I need help I am currently going to a counselor and I love her dearly but after reading your article I couldn’t help myself from writing to you.. well were do I start.. lets start from lets say the last 19 years of my marriage.. my husband has been unfaithful to me for all those yease with various women.. I know you ask how did you in such a marriage truth is I honestly don’t know. I told myself that I loved him and I will always be the love of his life but when I think about it I have to ask will I ever be. my currently we are going thru hell. as you know when trust/pain/resentment etc sits in your heart for so long you yourself breaks either mentally or by other means. I still ask why but although I know the answer I still don’t know how to say it.. well I met someone another man approximately 2 years ago.. he and I became friends from work and we talked alot over the phone and at work we would meet up and have talks or just to hang out.. over the course of time we started express how we enjoy each others company. eventually this emotional affair lead to a physical affair not sexually but physically.. the physical affair lasted a total of 4 months. my husband found out about my affair which was devasteing for him as well as myself.. but in finding mine out my husband confessed that he has been having an affair with the same woman for approximately 8-10 yrs off and on and now she has a child that is most likely his.. I can’t tell you the pain and the shame I am feeling by telling you this.. see he says he went to other woman because I was not showing him any love and that I locked him off emotionally. I know I did because I was scared to open up in fair that he would hurt me again but I loved him nonetheless.. in all of this he is finding the hardest time getting past my affair I have never seen him so weak before. we have good days and bad days which is physologically damaging to me but I hold on.. most recently he asked me to be completely hones about the man I had the affair with which I have been for the most part. I didn’t tell him the gentlemans legal name but the name I know him of, Ialways told him this man lives with his woman. which is truth but this gentlman and his spouse seperated as they werent getting along and I was like his consoler, also where he lives I wasn’t very truthful as I didn’t care about that and thought that was relavent because I dont know his exact home address just location.. since this happaned my husband has decided to leave remove himself from our home. he says there is not love in our marriage that I locked myself away from him for years. and that our relationship is full of resentment,hate, angry, lies, adultry.. however in the past month he has promised to love me unconditionally we pray together we have a strong connection with god. I honestly don’t know how he can condem me for my fault after all have done and forgiven him for. I am confused hurt disappointed. we haven’t eve dealt withthis child but he is able to make these decisions.. please help me I need guidance

  • Kay says:

    Hi Jamie..thats whats confusing me..i caunt even remember when last i was really happy..theres one thing he did two years mind was made up i was going to leave him then he cried and begged asking for one last chance i said no for days on end he would cry and beg i gave in and took him back we discussed everything that happend decided we gonna start fresh it went well for a couple of months till he received a court order from the other woman something to do with maintenance…the minute i saw that letter i instantly felt a knot in my stomach but ignored it..then there was this one friday evening he was late i phoned him asked him if everything is ok he said yes im working late on this one an instant i knew thats not true he does roofing who works late on a roof in the dark again i said nothing after an hour he arrived i swear to God after all the times hes cheated this one time as he stood by the door i could see the guilt on hes face and he smelled like alcohol…that night i looked through hea phone i see emails bookings that was made for two people i asked him about it he denied and brought a man to me the man said he made that booking for him i knew that was a lie i couldnt rest i had to know the truth till i saw messages he and the other woman sent to one another..this was different from all the other times ive never gotten over it i caunt forgive him for what he did when i think back to that friday all i feel ia hatred toward him and the other woman and yet after two years im still with him i keep taking him back and it kills me inside for what hes done to me

  • Shawn says:

    hi I need help she leave me and go to another man now she want us to get back together, so must I give her another chance?

  • Rumi says:

    Hi, I read your article and the line that moved me is that ” We can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.” Prayers do work when others pray for you and also confessing oneself to God. Being into multiple relationship and break up had once destroyed my believe in true love until Jesus made me fall in love with this man (who turned out to be one woman man) struggling in his broken marriage. I received the message from God he is the one however we started our relation with no commitment and unconditional love. Time played a big part that we became serious and he came to know my past. I was not bold enough to share everything to him but he found out himself which broke his trust completely on me. Since then we had been into bad patches and i have been strong to survive it all with patience and giving unconditional love. Love is there but he does not trust me as he thinks i have been lying. Yes, I did but it was my fear of loosing him that made me hide things. Gone through worst struggle still fighting to win his trust. CAN LOVE AND COMMITMENT WIN OVER TRUST? Please help me and show a way that can help me win him back and make my dream of getting proposal of marriage from him comes true.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Kay, the pain of betrayal creates a very deep hurt. Tell, what is about this man that brings you happiness? How does that compare to the pain he brings from cheating?

  • kay says:

    Hi i need advise…i always saw myself as a strong woman,ive been threw hell and back in relationships but then i met someone who swept me off my feet we together for 6 years now and hes made me happy,but he caused me a pain i never thought existed..he cheated with hes ex he have a child with i forgave him but he just kept on cheating with this woman he lied manipulated turned me against her made me out to be this mad insecure monster and all of this he did to sleep with her she and her mother started sending me text i showed him he just say ignore them but it just dont stop and im so so lost please help me over this huge mountain

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi William, if you are committed to a relationship with this lady then I would agree that you need to keep looking for ways to rebuild her trust in you. Find ways to communicate your love for her and how you feel when she pushes you away. With a relationship that is as unstable as yours is, I would encourage you to focus more on connecting through communication then through sex. The physical intimacy will create confusion for both of you as you try to deal with the lack of trust and unresolved conflict.

  • William Montemayor says:

    I need help everyone. Me and my lady is not in good terms right now. We grown up in the same town after 25 years we started talking on Facebook to make story short become intimate when I visited her in our motherland.she think I’m turn off because I post silly stuff on Facebook not only that. I know she is a very private person and she open the door for me with trust and honesty and she cared for me as well. What I did really is little mistake that lead her blocked me on fe-book because she told me I am frustrated that she told me repeatedly my lady she is more a openionated when it comes to posting on social media. Okay here’s the worst part she thinking I did she recently chatted to friend on Facebook and that young lady told her that I told that young lady about intimate sex in which is bot true I have never told anyone our behind closed door personal intimacy for that she told me I was rude and disrespectful and I told her I put that on my kids life I never said anything to that lady. And she kept on going back from the past mistake I made. I tried to reconcile with her and askEd for apology for my mistake. And then she responded the same issues, I know I did something wrong to hurt her feelings and I can’t take that back instead I make an effort to fix it with her so she can trust me again. And then on her 40th birthday after the party I said good night to her and I love you she responded I love you. And there a guy there we grow together that like her long time ago his technicallyrics married and thinking of processing annulment and he was drunk and I saw my lady and this guy kissing in bed through the window I was very furious ready to kill this guy but I held back instead I called and I asked to talk to me and she did , I explained to her I saw everything, she responded that he admired the guy so I said because you admired him you want to go to bed with him? Because he told you it’s time to say that he loves you? Note this guy is Jehovah witness and it’s against there religious belief to commit such thing. At this point I have no sleep in two days thinking about it how she said I am very irresponsible because I am on vacation 3 times in 8 months and people saying stuff like she’s working hard like a dog and I’m on vacation and she wash brainwash with all negative feedback from friends and family. By all means I am divorced single dad but I am not irresponsible I work 16 hours a day 6 days a week at the Oregon State Hospital and I love what I do. It’s just I’m won’t for words she would avoid me because she can’t tell me face to face what our problem instead of running away from it. Until now we text back and forth asking her to work with our relationship I get the same response from her the old past issues. So what should I do from here on out? Should I continue to ask forgiveness?

  • Sharon says:

    to Lou I am sorry you are struggling I think for me did you read this article its a good one to start and then if its your fault apologize if not its the other persons try to talk it out and for you after apologizing then if the person won’t accept your apologies I would earn their trust again by doing everything you said you would do let this person see you are trying to earn their trust again so eventfully they will trust you again but if the other person talk it out and get them to earn your trust again I know this might be easier said than done its not easy trusting people after a trust is broken I am praying for you God be with Lou and help with the trust issue again as this person is struggling. I pray all of this in JESUS name amen I have trust issues too not easy.– sharon

  • Lou says:

    Anyone have any tips best ways to rebuild trust lost, I have good days and bad days :( I am struggling

  • Scott says:

    Thank you for the advice. After reading more, one of the things I came across was minimizing, validation and apology. We had another session yesterday. It became pretty frustrating and heated. I felt the counselor was jumping on the bandwagon of minimizing and not validating my feelings. I just needed to accept her apology and trust even though my wife has not really taken ownership of her actions to make amends. The apology was the “I am sorry you feel that way” or loaded with reasons for her actions. Things that really minimize the apology. After some heated words, I think he finally got the point, that my wife was not validating my feelings by offering what appeared to be half hearted apology. I understand, that many people do not know how to apologize and that a wrong type of apology can actually cause another hurt. However, shouldn’t the counselor recognize this? I am wading in uncharted territory for myself. I am doing a lot of reading as to where my feelings are coming from and why. I just know I have them…not the reason. However, should a trained counselor? Or am I asking too much? Shouldn’t he have taken the opportunity to teach us how to communicate and effective apology that does not minimize your partner’s feelings but validates them? Shouldn’t he also help the couple negotiate a way for amends to be made that are effective and reasonable?

  • Chris says:

    scott….sorry to hear of your struggles…i would agree with you that your wife has betrayed your trust and isnt really showing a true heart of repentance about it but that is where our faith in christ comes in. when we have a solid-rock foundational faith in jesus as our lord and savior and know we are totally accepted in him, then all of the concern of public opinion about us vanishes away realizing that we are secure in his acceptance of us unconditionally. that way people can see our faith and trust about our salvation is in christ and want what we have but to see us as men cringing and hiding about what others say about us, including our wives, will not lead anyone to want to live the lives we live. i encourage you to log onto or click talk to a mentor above to start your own powerful and strength-filled life in jesus. that way no matter what your wife does or doesnt do, it wont affect you because your trust is in God and not her. blessings to you!

  • Chris says:

    david….sorry you are strugging however it does take time for trust to be restored. without knowing your details, i would suggest you giving your heart to jesus totally so he can work in the heart of your wife. to do that log onto or click talk to a mentor above. praying for peace in your heart, peace in your wifes heart and peace with jesus for you both. romans 5.1 to 5. blessings!

  • David says:

    I wish I could send this article to my wife. I just can’t right now. It would just tick her off . . . or be totally ignored.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Scott, it is a good thing to invest in your marriage by going to a counselor. Having an objective perspective on the way that you and your wife relate together can be very helpful. One of the ways that a counselor helps is by identifying where each spouse needs to compromise in order to bring healing. I wold imagine that the counselor is asking for you and your wife to change your attitudes and behaviours towards each other in order to help build strength in your marriage. How has your counselor expressed what it means for you to trust your wife? If you are unclear that would be something to pursue more so that you have a better idea of what changes you need to make.

  • Scott says:

    My wife and I have been having issues for a number of years. One of the issues I have is that I am unable to trust her. On numerous occasions she told other people about issues that we are having in our marriage. She has done this with a number of people. These conversations normally were just her telling people how bad I was including lies about the way I treat my kids. I think this was to get attention. Additionally, she shared details of my personal health conditions with others. I have told her that I am not comfortable with her sharing this information but she continued to do so. During our first counseling session with a new counselor that we had, we discussed my lack of trust. I said I can forgive and start rebuilding trust if she recognizes the hurt she caused, commits to refrain from sharing these items in the future, and tries to make amends. Until that time, I would not be able to entertain rebuilding trust. While my wife half heartedly said she would attempt to make amends using a suggestion I came up with, I really don’t believe she will really go through with it as she would need to admit her mistakes to others. The counselor said that it was on me to trust her that she would do it without question or validation that she followed through. He said trust is given and not earned. I am not comfortable with that answer. While I understand for the relationship to work, I will need to give trust. However, I feel she has to demonstrate her willingness to admit her mistake and make amends. Am I asking for too much?

  • Sarah Lund says:

    I feel I can’t attend a certain guy friends birthday, because he has done and said things to me, that ended up in betrayal and lies. My point being, why isn’t he careful with what not to say to people? He really has no filters. So I stupidly went along and at one time, believed whatever he told me. He had no business serenading me. We were just friends, not lovers, so I never understood his over-enthusiastic behaviour, whenever he saw me. Hugging isn’t necessarily scarce. That’s a normal thing everyone does, because it’s nice to, but other more intimate stuff, I won’t even tell you about. I don’t think he would ever have the guts to apologise to me. And he thought he was some sort of tough guy. A tough guy, WOULD try and put things right again, between me and them. A true one. I’m talking about finding the guts to put their pride to one side, instead of letting it come between us. He’s not the type who talks about his problems, so I don’t feel I have can talk to him about any of MY problems. He puts up a wall. I can never expect to get anywhere with a man like that. And from what I hear, his mother spoils him rotten, and his father used to beat him with a belt. Not sure they’re healthy parents. He obviously hasn’t had the best influences as a child. And he told me, one morning, how his two daughters are “worried” about me, but I’ve never even met them, so I don’t understand where he was getting that from. I think his daughters need to be worried about him himself. He treats all of the women he lives with, as if they’re all his. I despaired..

  • Barnabas says:

    Hi Bella,

    I don’t normally respond to posts, but felt compelled to. Relationships involve two people and as a result require efforts from both parties involved. Yes, it’s true that you lied and damaged the trust between you and your boyfriend. Yes, this created insecurity and doubt on his part. But true healing in any relationship comes when genuine repentance and forgiveness meet. Repentance requires one to turn away from the behavior that caused the pain in the first place. Forgiveness leaves no room for bitterness and resentment. It sounds like your boyfriend is having a difficult time forgiving you. If he looking for someone who will never make a mistake, his standards are too high. Don’t get me wrong, you are responsible for hurting him, but you are not responsible for making him trust you again. All you can do is learn from your mistakes, be honest, and demonstrate your love through changed behavior. You won’t be perfect, but change should be evident. If this is good enough for your boyfriend, then in my opinion it is best that you part ways. Any real relationship is going to have its fair share of hurt and disappointment. The lasting ones can endure these difficult times and become stronger as a result. Just like he shouldn’t want to be with someone he can’t trust, you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t practice forgiveness and is willing to walk through pain. Even when someone is hurt, love doesn’t hang it over the other person’s head. All that to say, you didn’t destroy it all. You made a mistake and your boyfriend has decided that this is something that he can’t move past. You don’t want to be in a relationship where the other person is doesn’t want to really work it out. I wish you all the best.

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