Rebuilding Trust
Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Hi Val, I understand that the wrath of God can be a difficult aspect of His nature to understand in light of His love and mercy. The two never cancel each other out but are aspect of who He is. The verses you are referring to are addressed to the people of Judah and Jerusalem who were engaged in religious rituals that were aberrations of the proper worship that God inspires. They were sacrificing their children to pagan gods like Molech. God said that He would have never required such actions or rituals and were an abomination to Him.
However, as FIFI points out, when people turn their back on God the ultimate consequence is eternal separation from God in Hell. Jesus told of how at the Great Judgement He will send those who have turned their backs on Him by not serving the needs of the poor, the needy and the marginalized that they will be condemned to “the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41) In another place Jesus warned of the terrible suffering that awaits those who choose to continue in rebellion against God for they will “be cast into hell, where THEIR WORM DOES NOT DIE, AND THE FIRE IS NOT QUENCHED.” (Mark 9:47-48)
The link you posted quotes 1John 4:8 which says “God is love.” It is because of His love that He sent Jesus His Son to us to warn us against our rebellion against Him and to die to pay the penalty for our life of sin and rebellion. If there were no Hell then why would Jesus have had to die?
The Good News is that we do not have to face an eternity of separation from God because of our rebellion against Him. Jesus has taken our punishment for that rebellion on Himself so that we could be set free. But if someone does not want to receive that free gift of forgiveness they will face the consequences and be sentenced to the fires of hell.
you are right val, God will never allow people to go to hell for sins, (plural), for they are already be taken care of by the sacrifice of Jesus; but make no mistakes about this honey, they will go straight to hell for the rejection of Jesus, (worst sin – singular)
God will not put any child created in his image no matter what their sins into a hell fire. It never entered God’s heart or mind to ever do such a thing Jer 7:31, Jer 19:5.
I would like to invite you to read http://minigoodtale.wordpress.com where the true word is delivered and proven.
Hi Ashton, When I read your comment the one that struck me was “I just hope that someday..my spouse will come and do something that will remove the bitterness.” I can understand where you’re coming from, but for me, I’ve never seen a situation where another person was able to remove an emotion from MY heart. It sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort into a genuine pursuit of philosophies and understanding. I think that’s really admirable. Have your studies given you a perspective on the idea of grace? I ask because in my own life my ability to forgive comes from knowing that God forgave me first. I learn the act of forgiveness by seeing it in action first. I don’t know how I would forgive without that.
A good friend of mine likes to remind me that I am not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings or actions. The reverse of that is also true – no one, not even your husband – is responsible for your feelings. If you’re dealing with bitterness the solution to that bitterness is not going to come from him. Even if you woke up tomorrow morning and he had transformed into the superhero of all husbands with completely flawless actions and responses in all circumstances, that alone would not remove bitterness from your heart. It would change his behaviour but it would be on you to change your response.
I absolutely believe that change is possible, but in my own life I have only found that last change through a relationship with God. I believe that it is him at work in my life, in my heart, that softens the harsher parts of my heart and teaches me how to love. I don’t think that I have the strength to be better all on my own, but God gives me that strength laced with a good dose of forgiveness and teaches me how to live better.
Bitterness is hard emotion to live with – it’s like sour milk you can’t mask the taste of it. Bitterness will leech out into all the corners until all of your experiences are seen through a bitter lens. You said that you were waiting for change, waiting for someone else to act. What would happen if you acted first instead? You’re staying, which is already a good and admirable act. But are you staying waiting for someone else to make the first move? Does your husband know what it is you’re hoping he’ll do?
There’s an article here that talks about God and love and forgiveness that you might find interesting. Bitterness is like a dandelion, the root goes deep and it can be hard to eradicate. What would it look like if you asked God to help?