Rebuilding Trust
Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
I slept with her again last night. Its not a fact that I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world – all women with her courage and audacity are beautiful. But I can’t fall in love again. I am in love with her and I won’t look for another to replace that. God is perfect in all his instructions to us. He never said that you MUST break with your wife if she commits infidelity – he only said that you CAN break with her for that, and for that alone. Why did he grant that permission to break your oath and that permission alone? Well anyone who has been betrayed in this way knows why – because it hurts so much that if there was not this way out then you would be tempted to break the other law – “Thou shall not murder” (not Her the one you love, but him the one who stole your love).
Ed, I totally understand and am not disgruntled in any way by your decision to maintain the objective of your website. We could talk about anything here, about electronics or how the Iphone 4s compares to the 3GS, and that too would be deleted the same.
[This comment has been removed.]
Jake, I can, and will remove all references to this topic, not just yours. This is not a site about history, or politics and when a discussion like this opens up it very quickly derails what we are trying to do here. I understand that this is an issue very close to your heart. There are many places on line where you can have this conversation but it does not fit here. -Ed
I am open to seeing the film you have suggested…although I am concerned for the survivors because of the trauma they suffered. I can’t deny history and because it is taught in school and the films they had shown us in history class (which were actual documentaries) I have to see it as fact. My cousin believes the same as you do but I am able to agree to disagree!
Anyway guys, I am extremely excited as it is my 37th birthday tomorrow. Looking forward to a lovely day.
Each and every Christian is a warrior for Christ! We are not at war with man we are at war against all satanic forces. Satan roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. Satan is not someone we submit to. Jesus gave us the authority to command Satan in Jesus’ powerful name to leave. Yes, it is true that he is prince of this world but we are soldiers in Christ’s army. Just like in our world when dictators (tyrants, like Hitler for example) tried to dictate our world and fill it with deadly poison on his ideas of his disrespect and dispregard for human life, countries bound together and war against him and his evil workers. (Nazi Empire) Christ is the commandor of the army we are in and I am very proud to be a part of His army to help fight the on-going battle we are under with the Satanic forces.
Yes it’s true it is hard to have to face that person, but, catching that person would save another family to go through what we have. Someone who has psychopathic behavior have a lack of disregard for others and are numb to their emotions and pain.
Sherry,
How can you punish Satan when God gave him rule over the world? Satan’s day will come.
Sherry, the person who murdered your cousin – How do you think he/she feels when they look into a beautiful flower, or when they are surrounded by beauty? They feel unwelcome. Even the flower looks back at him, “You are unwelcome here in paradise”.
Now, what greater a punishment can mankind put on a man like that?
Sherry, I have thought about this before alot and I don’t know if this helps but I never cared to catch the one who killed my best friend. Maybe it was me? You know? If I looked too hard then maybe I would discover that it was me? You see, finding the person who did this will not bring the person who was killed back. So what value is there in it? Justice for wrongs done against you? And then what? Yuk, to be honest I would hate to find the person who murdered my family member – It would probably make the whole trauma worse; courts, time, media, questions…
The person who did this did not want to do this in their spirit. Where do you think all the lonely people come from? Self imposed punishment?
Catching the person who killed your cousin will not make you feel any better. In fact, it will make you feel worse. It matters only for their own soul what they did. But it doesnt matter for anyone else. Your cousin could have just as easily walked across the road at the wrong time and ended up under a bus.
What do you think?
Sherry, thanks for apologizing to Jake. It is our desire to make sure that this is a safe place for people to share thier stories.
Being single is a wonderful time to grow spiritually and grow and being nourished in His word. The one thing I appreciate as Jesus being our Friend and Spouse is He understands our weaknesses, our suffering and He will never let us down. When my cousin Leeanne was murdered in September it was a very difficult time for the whole family, especially since the person who did this to her has not been caught. But I have comfort to know that God id in control and that great things has came out of this situation. That’s the most amazing thing about God, He can turn tragic circumstances into growing experiences and understanding to help others who have gone through simular circumstances.
Sherry, I won’t be waiting around for Jehovah to give me a new woman to love. :) I am fine alone for now, even if that is ten years, or twenty years. I am not worried about a woman and children and these responsibilities. I have/had better things to do anyway. But oh it was wonderful when I had it, just wonderful.
Hi Jake;
Yes, you are right that how I said what I did was cruel but I still have a responsibility to apologize to someone I have said something horrible to.
Our world is a very cruel place and cold. Our world and it’s system will pass away. Satan is responsible for the cruelty in our world today. My best friend explained to me that Man in not our enemy, Satan is our enemy.
Time is the key to help you to heal but also continuing to rely on Jesus as your strength. There is nothing more comforting than the healing power of Jesus Christ and the comfort we have Jesus’ arms. I like the goals you have to strive for. Being thankful for what God gives us is wonderful Jake and keeping in His word I commend you for that.
God bless you Jake! My prayers continue with you!
“I am sincerly sorry for being cruel and hurtful towards you. I a made a judgement about you that was wrong and the way I said it was not very tactful. I also ask God to forgive me for sinning against you and Him.”
Hi Sherry, I don’t think what you said is wrong, just the way you said it makes you look cruel – So it didn’t hurt me, only yourself. But no worries, I understand and that is nothing compared to what I have said to people on the internet in other forums, “flame wars” with intel agency rats. But what you said is true, that if I continue being only eyes for her then I won’t see any others. I just need time then. There are other things in the life to work on – like preparing myself to be ready for a new partner, focusing on good work, on Jehovah and his messages, and being grateful for what I have had in life.
We are all amongst the living.
The world could be so beautiful today but for great crimes against God and his people being perpetrated by an insidious group. Did you know that on Youtube there is an interview with the President of Haiti and he is asked how the recovery efforts are going and you know what he said? He said that everything is going well but that the IDF are here and they are harvesting organs and that also there are a great many children being kidnapped and exported for child sex slavery.
What kind of people are behind these black operations? Who do they work for?
Well this is how I discovered that the words in the Bible are the true words of this life, and my soul is at stake here. The only person I should worship and become captured by is the Lord Jesus Christ, son of Jehovah.
The Bible has given me strength. It is the only thing in this world that could convince me to bother guarding my health.
Everything else in this world is ruled by Satan.
Hi Jake;
Alot website ministries (which is what this website is) can give the individual a choice to donate to their ministry. Before donating to a ministry I believe that we should ask God to give direction before going ahead and donating. I hope this is what you meant on your post.
Power to Change does offer some great articles for our daily Christian walk with the Lord and answers to everyday difficulties we face in our lives and our relationships.
Jake;
I am sincerly sorry for being cruel and hurtful towards you. I a made a judgement about you that was wrong and the way I said it was not very tactful. I also ask God to forgive me for sinning against you and Him.
Father God;
Forgive me for sinning against Jake and You. The prayer I ask You is to think like you would like me to think and feel like You would like me to feel. I ask the Holy Spirit to speak when I should speak and be silent when I need to be silent. I rebuke Satan in Jesus’ precious name for his influence. I ask Father that You help Jake in his pain and heal His broken heart.You know Jake better than anyone and YOu know what You are doing in His life. I know Father that You have a person out there meant for Jake and connect them together. Without you Jesus we are nothing and nothing is too impossible for You Father. With Your direction we have a great and promising future. In Jesus’ precious name I pray. Amen
I write a post with an instance of the phrase, “Frequented lies” but you have deleted it and I just linked this site to people to see the first use of that phrase in context. So now I feel like Sherry. You can do whatever you want, and you can keep doing that. But you just removed a unique phrase from the Google Search engine, a phrase of it used in context.
You have deleted all the comments that happened. I don’t understand why you think you can control mamkind. But you have deleted everything back to a date a few days ago. Ok, maybe the only rationale I can think of is that this website for you is a hopeful INCOME that you need. Well then you need to put that up on the top of the page – Tell everyone who you are, and ask them to help you make this website enough to pay your bread. But if you ever imagine that it will pay anything more than your bread then you are in the wrong place?
And if it is about what I wrote about the jews? Well Christ had no fear either. The only time he ever got physically violent was it not in the Synagogue of Satan he called it?
And your fear like this leaves others in fear, like me. I go fear now.
Ok, I understand why you deleted it- and if I was Admin I would have done that as well because she could have said it in so many different ways without ‘sounding’ cruel. But that is ok.
Well Sherry it is true that I will never get another woman as long as I remain in love with her. End of story.
I would like to see the comment from Sherry which was deleted by Admin.
The Admin can do whatever they want (Sherry is wrong in her complaint about that aspect), but she is obviously upset because she wanted me to see this comment. I also would like to see it.
I am impervious to insult having been a front-line 9/11 Truth activist from 2006-2010 I was not only called everything mental under the sun but even had the state trying to get to me with such defamation and incarceration of character. There were organised groups on the net called GIYUS and JIDF who lobbied against and attacked the best of us to stop us because we were making so much ground. I assure you it is impossible to insult me with words – will never hurt me.
Oh Claire, I am afraid you are correct.
Sherry, I don’t know what you said to me that was deleted by admin but I am sure it would not have injured me. :)
Jake, What I’m saying is that I don’t think it is physically possible to fall in love with a broken heart. You have to mend a heart first so it has the strength to fall again.
Hi Claire, thanks for your contributions. I think you see what I was saying other than I meant it – You see, “falling in love again” would actually mean. “BEING IN LOVE”, not “Pretending to be in love”, or, “Fooling yourself and family into thinking that you are in love”. I mean, falling in love.
Kate, when I read the Bible or think of Jehovah (as I know him), I think about him in exactly the same way you then described how you think about Him.
If someone has published over 5 million words on the internet would you say they were a Writer? If someone spent all their days soldering metals together would you say that they were a Solderer? Or would you need to know if they make money directly from this prolific activity of theirs to determine whether a title should follow them?
I am a Writer. I like expressing my feelings in writing to the world. Why? Because all of my solace I also found in written words, from people who wrote down their feelings. It takes time to organise and convey a picture of your feelings to word yes? You have to think about what you are writing before it is written. You have to think about when you will end writing that paragraph, why, and where it is going, and what was its purpose? Well the purpose is to let others know (who find these pages through “key word” searches on Google) that they are not alone.
And is not that the gift of Jehovah? Yeh, though I walk through the valley of death, He is with me. His rod and His staff comfort me….
I have heard those words in my head before, on several occasions in moments where I thought that this was probably going to be the end of my life but it did not turn out that way.
I did not prey to Jehovah to ask him to spare my life. I simply thought about Him and remembered where I really was in the galaxy and then had no fear that I was about to die.
I didn’t die.
Sherry, I deleted your comment because you attacked another commenter. The terms of service under the section “prohibited behaviour” you’ll see “Discussing other users in any negative or unkind way” as one of the items that is specifically condemned. It was not the reference to needing to seek professional help that tipped the balance on your comment, it was the final sentence where you made a direct and negative comment about the character of another commenter.
What I did was completely within the bounds of the law. Freedom of speech refers to the right to speak freely in the public space and the right to speak your mind without being shot or put in prison. It does not mean that there are never consequences for what you say. All websites, not just this one, have terms of service that allow us to set the rules for participation. This is done to keep order and to make the site a safe place. In requiring you to adhere to the terms of service I have followed the law, not broken it.
The post that you had deleted was subsequently deleted because a violation of terms of service. After reviewing your terms of service I had not committed any such violation. What was done to me was a violation of my right of free speech which was not threatening nor was it harmful. I would in the future advice my friends and other people I know not to use your site because what you did was against the law. If you want to help people you need to adice people to professional help and not someone that has no professional training. If you wish to delete this message it is no concern of mine.