Rebuilding Trust
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Are you feeling ready to walk away from a relationship – are you possibly even considering divorce? Talk to us.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Thank you so much for this article. I found myself very hurt by lies my spouse told me and needing to know where to go from here. Being reminded that I need to forgive because God forgave me really did help. Again, thank you.
Thank you for this wonderful write-up. I really spoke to me as I was feeling really broken and was encouraged by the practical biblical truths- thanks again!
Thank you for this article. You have to believe in God to forgive a person you love that has torn your heart apart.
Thank you so much for this acticle. It has helped me learn and grow not only as a person but also it helped me grow closer to God. I hope that everyone that reads this crtic can fell better about themselves. Good bless!
thanks so much for the help that you have given me!!
When trust is broken it is hard to understand why it happened to you. We must look past this & understand that there is a reason for everything.
I don’t worry so much about why. I wonder how I can love again totally & completely, w/out wondering. It’s not fair to someone if I have a hard time trusting them because of what someone else did. He will eventually tire of my wondering, understandably. I really want to get passed this point and get on w/my life; sharing it w/someone, not alone.
Hi Cheryl,
It will be extremely hard to love again, if you don’t tell with your trust issues and the why. No matter who is at fault with a end to a relationship, each person plays a part and you will need to learn from the situation or else you are bound to repeat it again.
Leah
thank you so much for your article. knowing that god is in control helps you along the way. the only way God will ease our pain is by forgiving others. May God Bless each of you and i pray for each of you that your marriage have peace, love, happiness, and trust again.
Thank you for this article. I have been hurt so much. The betrayal, the cover ups and the never ending lies and connivance. I tried to forgive her but I don’t see genuine change in her. When I confront her about this, she would tell me…”I feel so confident about you because you love me too much.” When I demand her the truth, she would resort to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Now I’m a wreck. Falling deeply into hopelessness and despair. Frustration.
Dear Mar
It sounds like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, if you need to talk to someone I can get you connected to a mentor. Please let me know, the service is free and completely confidential.
How do i get connected to a mentor? is it online? i don’t reside in the US but this will help me alot, currently going through some pain. i believe in forgiveness but its more difficult when you are dealing with someone who isn’t a christian and who sees your efforts to maintain peace as a weakness.
Kay,
Yes, mentoring is done online through email. To be connected to a mentor, just fill out the form here and you will be matched with a mentor who is familiar with the kind of concerns you’ve been having:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I hope that it is a positive experience for you!
I thank you so very much reading this really touched my heart.. I was feeling like a fool for trying to work it out and hold on to my relationship! Wondering how can I still love him with all my heart after being betrayed. This makes me feel like there is hope after all..
I strongly believe that God puts certain people in our lives for a reason. I truely believe that about my fiance who recently was unfaithful to me. I am having a hard time understanding why he would be unfaithful God put him in my life to be my husband. Am I still supposed to be with him or is this a way of God telling me that its not right??? Any insights??