Rebuilding Trust
Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
My boyfriend of 4.5 years and I broke up in September and are “working through things”. We can’t work on what we need to work on as I am having trust issues. Basically he had a “friend” that he would hang out with, talk to, etc..he says they were only friends. However he lied to me every time he saw her (told me he was doing something else) and hid every aspect of their friendship. He has said he is no longer friends with her and he wants to continue to work on things with us. How do I go about building trust? I feel like proof is in the pudding. Is asking to see his phone and email pushing it or acceptable? Or if I really just don’t trust him and need proof, should I just call it quits?
Mrs. Hag, I would say the best thing to do is to keep on being honest with your husband. Honesty will stand the test of time and unfortunately, it will be time that can heal the trust. As for that other man, call your phone company and have him blocked from your phone. You could also ask others in your workplace to not allow him near you or your office. Completely removing him from your life is the only way to prevent more conversations with him or seeing him. I will pray that you will have the strength to do this and also that your husband will see that you are devoted and faithful to him.
Ok , last week a man followed me to my office . he said he wanted to talked to me and I said ok . he introduce himself and he said he would like to know me…… Then I mentioned to him am a teacher and my kid goes to the same school as he was near to the school . I gave him my card( I do not why) then he started calling everyday . sometimes I answer and sometime I do not . the conversation were very random. Then after four days he insisted for us to meet then we met and I explained that I have no interest with him and the relationship could not go further. He said he would respect my word and would leave me alone. He called me after a day and I was mad. Told in the phone I do not want to hear from him again. Then after three days he called me and my husband answered the phone. Then when he told me he someone called I told him the whole story. But it was so hard for him as he only heard about the first incident which the guy following me to my office . did not ether I gave him my card or he was still calling me. Now earlier we had issues of trust my family , finance …. We were working on that on several occasions it was my fault. We never had such issues for 12 years of marriage.
How can I earn his trust. What are the action that I should take to even his trust . I love him and never ever stopped loving him. Seeing him so so hurt is unbearable. He losing his mind. Oh GOD am stupid .
Mrs. Hag
Forgiveness is the first step but it takes time to rebuild trust Annesha. It sounds like that is what you are struggling with right now, whether or not you can trust him. Take it one day at a time, and ask God to help restore that trust. You say that you love him more than words can describe. Give yourself time. If you would like to have an online mentor to walk alongside of you on your journey just fill in the form on this page and someone will email you back.http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
This is beautiful i enjoyed reading it
@cfast – Thanks for the advice. I will ask God for guidance and ask God to help me forgive. I realize that it is easier said than done. This is a challenge and with God’s guidance, I’ll overcome it.
I do not know how to forgive my husband. I have been trying for months and its like everytime I feel secure something happens. Everytime the phone rings or a text or an email, I just shut down and become a turtle. I find myself being enraged with him and causing an argument so maybe he will leave then he will always be the bad guy. I love him more then words can describe, I just cant get over the past. I do not know what to do anymore.
me and my parter recently separated but realised we do love eachother and want more than anything to be together. Sadly we were forced into dessisions we weren’t comfortable with and i felt he had betrayed me on more than one occasion and i couldn’t let go. I know in order for us to work i need to forgive the past and remember i’m not as perfect as i think i am and that i to make mistakes and put him down A LOT and that alone has been a contribution to our separation. This article has helped me realise that we are all human and make mistakes and i need to appreciate the good things rather than concentrate on the bad i feel i have been judgmental and need to take a step back and look at myself and my own wrongs that i have done. This article has helped me to realise i can trust him again and yes he probably will dissapoint me but i will also most likely dissapoint him too. I have to be able to forgive and realising the sins i have sinned too i think will help me to do that so i thank whoever wrote this more than they will ever no as it has probably saved my relationship.
Sharon,
Are you wanting him as a friend to stay as a friend or to have him as a friend that will lead to something else in the future? If it is the latter, it seems that you are having a hard time thinking about possibly being with him and are scared because of when your trust was broken. If you only want him as a friend (no feelings, no friends with benefits), than a trust that has been broken can be fixed. I have personally had a fallout with a friend and we were able to slowly repair our relationship as each situation in our lives took place. I encourage you to ask God to help you forgive this person and to trust them again. Have you ever heard of the saying “unforgiveness works in the opposite way you want it to”? Basically, unforgiveness just causes you to be miserable while the other person has not a clue that you are boiling and stewing inside. If you are wanting him to eventually be more than a friend, I suggest learning to love him as a friend and seeing where it goes after that.
Hi, I’m trying to determine whether or not I should be friends with someone. We tried to date but it did not work out. In my opinion, he has some emotional hangups due to a previous long term relationship. The fallout between us happened because he lied to me about somethings and he was extremely selfish. Since our fallout, I’ve talked to him and let know that I accepted his apology and forgive him. However, I am having a very hard time forgetting. The more and more I think about the situation, I question his motives and become upset. During our talk, he stated that he wants me as a friend, removing the sex, and for things to grow. Since this talk, I hear from him daily. I haven’t been out with him. I’m very reluctant at this point due to the lack of trust. I understand that people aren’t perfect and they make mistakes but I am trying to determine if this is a friendship worth cultivating or should I let it go?
kambry, you are so right….knowing you have to forgive is a lot easier said than done. But I don’t think that just because you forgive, you automatically forget. Only God forgives and forgets. Humans don’t work that way.Life is much more complicated than that.
In fact, the reason you are struggling Vanessa is exactly for that reason, because your trust has been broken so it’s not just a matter of forgiving but having this new person in your life earn your trust.Trust needs to be earned in any relationship and when it has been broken like in your case kambry, your husband will need to earn it again before you can trust him again.
This helped me to realize that by being so scared that my husband is going to lie or cheat again is what is crippling us from moving forward …. i know u have to forgive and forget but its alot easier said than done :(
Hi, I found a lot of useful insight in the article above, I am having some really deep issues right now that I can’t figure out on my own. However, I cannot just settle on everything being fixed because of God, I need a more scientific explanation and solution.
It is so difficult to trust someone when one has been hurt. Now I met this man that I would love to be with but, I don’t trust anyone….. How can you trust what other person tells you without thinking the worse.
I don’t want to be alone just because I don’t trust. I want to trust him, I want to make the job to be able to trust. Help me, how can I trust the man in my life.
How can I get rid of my past and trust the man in the present.
Hi Monique
First of all, way to go for ending a 4 year relationship to do what is right with God. That takes a lot of courage and you should be proud of your self. If this current relationship is God’s plan, he will work things out so that you can feel security in your relationship. I heard somewhere that when you are worrying you are not trusting God completely. Now, I fully know that to say that is easy but to trust and not to worry is a journey in itself. May I suggest a mentor? We offer free and confidential mentoring and the mentor will walk with you through this journey. If you would like a mentor, fill out this form: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ ?. I will be praying for you during this time.
Hello,
My boyfriend and I have only been together 3 months. As Christians we put god first, and all that comes along with following him.
I was in a 4 year relationship which ended after me choosing to follow god and stop sleeping with my partner at the time. He blind sided me when I found out he was sleeping with my best friend. Now at 22 on the other side of the country from my entire family I had to chose. Stay follow god, or return home to a dark city and no community.
I stayed. However my new relationship is going well. The long term goal is obviously marriage, start a family and glorify god.
However he is going to school 2 hours away next semester. He will b there for 4 years ( except summer and holidays )
I have completed my degree, and have been building on my career for 2 years.
I want to b with him. But don’t know how to trust a long distance relationship….or if I want to wait another 4 yrs to settel down…
At the same time it should b on god times not mine.
What to do?
Thanks
need a mentor. Thanks
dear
Sister Shelly I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow your experiencing. I am a addiction counselor and counsel drug addictions as well. The bad new is other than prayer you can not help him and while he is using drugs he is NOT TRUST WORTHY, because an adict will lie, cheat, steal, etc. to get what he wants His first Love the drug. He will also blame you since he can’t take accountability and responsibility for himself and his choices. So it has to be someone else making him do it- you on top of the list. Behind this is the knowledge that he can’t stop without help and a higher power to deliver him. He has lost control over the drug and the drug controls him. At the very least require him if he goes to attend 3-4 12 steps programs for his addiction a week. I pray for both of you and please don’t buy into his argumens and blaming that is nailing another nail into his coffin. Please receive information for yourself from al-anon and support you will need it. You are right addicts are not bad people and they can be charming but they do need deliverance from the power of the drug and you can’t do that. Most addict who are in recovery are wonderful people miracles I call them keep praying for him. Shalom your sister in Christ Felicitas
My boyfriend has not cheated on me, he is a drug user and was in recovery, he has recently relapsed and told me many lies, I no longer trust anything he says and find myself checking up on him all the time, sometimes he has been telling the truth and sometimes more lies. He says he lies bcos he does not want to hurt me, but when we met he used to tell me everything good and bad. He has used again over the past week and i have found out by checking his fone and ban statements, we have fallen out about it, and he is saying it’s partly my fault that he lies bcos of the way I react, he doesnt feel able to tell me the truth or that he is struggling. I think this is an excuse and as far as im concerned there is no excuse for lies, i don’t think il ever be able to trust him but I love him so much and believe he loves me, as he can be so kind and loving when he is not using any drugs…
I had been with my partner for almost 2 years. Just a few weeks ago one of his female friends from about 4 years ago just randomly decides to text him saying that she is devestated about not getting into the police force and that her boyfriend broke up with her. Now, in our whole entire relationship, I have not heard of her, or he has not heard from her or talked to her until now, which i have found odd, if they are friends.
Anyway, he went away fo Army from Friday to Sunday night. When he got back he had a shower and left his phone in my room. Then a text message appeared from her saying something that didnt make sense. Something told me I had to look at their history of texts so I did. I found out, he had been texting her whilst he had been texting me being away. On friday night he stopped texting me at 10pm. The i saw a text message he sent to her at 11pm that night. Saturday night he texted me and stopped around 10pm again, i even sent him a picture message so he would miss me more. Then I saw later on that he had text her again late at night and even gave her a phone call. He said he fell alseep after texting me, mind you did not say good night to me or give me a quick call like he usually does, then apparently when he woke up he called her. The texts were about him asking her how is she, where is she going out, what is she doing. Now he sent me a text message the day after we fought about this saying I told you to send the picture message to me after I spoke to her, so that was our time. It does not make sense.
I feel like my trust had been broken. He keeps saying and bringing up in arguments that I am a man of my word and truthfulness, a boy is someone who gets persuaded. How can he be a man of his word when, in the end he told me about when, I had to find out for myself. Not him telling me on his own will.
It takes alot for me tust someone and for some reason I feel he is not sticking to his stories. They keep changing a little. I really do love him but there had been a few issues before involving people of the opposite sex, where he did call me up and say this girl he used to see didnt notice him when they walked past each other. I do not know why i needed to know that at all.
He also used as amo when we were arguing that I never appreciated anything he has done for me and because of all the late nights he has stayed up with me when I wasn’t well ( i have an anxiety disorder at the moment). Now do you think that is fair to use.
I am not sure where to go from here, because I feel like I have tried looking at sites to do what to do, writing him a letter, yet I feel he has done nothing to try and fix this situation or said anthing to make me feel comfortable again.
Please help in what I am ment to do because it is eating at me inside. I am really hurt even though the texts werent in a sexual content.
Thank you for the wonderful words of encouragement and self help. My husband and I almost split up in December. I was at a point that I could not take it anymore. I decided that if he would get help, then I would support that and work toward a resolution. With God’s help, lots of prayers and a prayer for a victory over it all, I think we will make it. Thank you for being available.
I was very badly betrayed by a long time friend. She had been helping me through a hard time and deliberatly turned her back on me and walked away from me in front of a group of friends when I needed her so bad. She also went behind my back and spoke to someone else about me. She apologised but doesnot understand why things cant just return to normal. I I just cant trust her and dont know how to rebuild trust in her when I go into panic mode everytime I see her because she is just not a safe person anymore. I would love to rebuild trust in her again but cant if I cant even be with her. Please I need sugestions. My children and her children aged 9-21 are all best friends, so it is too hard to just remove her from my life.
Dear Esther,
No one can make the decision to stay in your relationship but you. Also your boyfriend can say he wants to change but words are cheap and actions or key. I am not in your situation but I know that talking to someone will help. If you want I can connect you with one of our mentors, its free and confidential. Just reply back and let me know if you would like a mentor.
i have been cheated by my lover.but later he confess he’s mistake and wanted to change.But i feel that he is not genuin.i dont know whether i should fogive him and leave or continue our relationship for a chance.As he promise to marry me.please help i’m trouble now.
My husband and I have only been married since April, but before we were married I really struggled with this relationship he was having with a much younger co-worker that he said was “just a friend.”. He basically told me that I was the one with the trust issues, that he was not going to be told by anyone who he could be “friends” with and I could either decide to trust him or leave. Obviously, I stayed. This week I discovered (by accident) an email from him to an ex-lover saying he had visited a resturant where they once rendevous’ed and that he was thinking of her and having a “memory smile.”. Everytime he has used “memory smile” it is reference to an especially fond or pleasing sexual experience that we have shared. I confronted him and he admits it was wrong and stupid. I haven’t gotten to forgiveness yet, because I am still so hurt by his ultimatum to me before we married. I feel like this email is “proof” that I was right. I don’t know what to do or how to move past this…
Hi Patrice
Trust is really important in a relationship. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Once trust is broken both parties have to work at getting trust back. I really recommend that you guys get counselling and start working on the issues. In the meantime you can work on yourself, if you need someone to talk to I encourage you to click on the “Talk to A Mentor” on the right sidebar, fill out the form and you will be connected.
I don’t know what to do. My husband was talking to a person who was and still is a customer at his store for a year. they were calling and texting each other for that length of time. I was truly and still is truly hurt. i found out because I was concern about our marriage for a long time. I decided to check our cell phone account and there is was all the call back and forth. I always trusted him and never looked on our phone records. I was heart broken. he told me that all it was. he only talked and texted her. He lied about it for a year. I can not get past this and its been 9 months already. I talked to him this morning and I told him that I don’t trust him. he said that he was truly sorry. I do believe him but I don’t know how to forgive him. I wanted us to talk to someone He agreed but he said the problem is the trust factor. If trust is not in our relationship we don’t have a relationship. I told him I’m dont feel secure in our relationship. i felt replaced. Please help.
Brandon, we at Power to Change will be praying for you and this situation. We offer trained mentors to speak with people in private conversations. If you are interested, we can help connect you to one of our mentors today.
Brandon, it’s great to hear that you have prayed this prayer. Likewise my prayers are with you as you struggle with these issues. It would probably be helpful for you to contact one of our mentors who can help you through this situation … please visit this link to be matched with a mentor (it’s via email, free, and confidential): http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I have betrayed my wife’s trust on to occasions. She stayed with me the first time when i got us into debt, but I had several inappropriate online conversations with other women, and my wife and family are now hanging in the balance because of my stupid actions. I have recited your prayer, and hope that she will be able to forgive me and move forward. I was so stupid, and I want to be the man I used to be, and I’ll do anything to make that happen. I am so sorry that I’ve hurt her.
this write up really helped me relize what has been going on im my life. it made me grow, reading this. its a very touching write up that is for shure. thank you for giving me hope
Hi Sunny,
It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. You have done everything that you could to prove to her that you are committed but if someone doesn’t want to be in a relationships it doesn’t really matter. I know its hard but maybe its time to move on and focus on your needs right now. If you want we offer free and confidential mentoring. All you need to do is reply letting me know that you would like a mentor and I will get you connected with a mentor.
Tanya I honestly think that if God has placed this man in your life for him to be your husband, he wouldn’t have cheated on you before you married him. No one is perfect, but if he cheated on you before you all could say “I DO”, he could have and might have done it to you while being married to you. That’s just what I think. This happened to maybe show you that he’s not the one GOD wants you to marry. You will not be able to trust him in a marriage if he behaves this way in a relationship.
Friends, i am on the other side in this regard…my wife thinks m not trustworthy…but here infront of everybdy i want to tell her tht i Love her more than anything in this World….i am stayin away from my parents, doin some job just for her, she still dont trust me(though m from a very sound business family)….just becoz of few mis-undrstandings, she z not stayin wid me and not even ready to give me a single chance…wht shud i do? My mother z getin ill day by day just becoz of thinkin abou me and her relationship..but how can i make her agree to come back….its been 8 months, tht i am tryin to convince her…. what more she wants? iam all alone withou my family workin at very far place,missin my family and my love…..tryin to be positive everyday..tht dnt worry Sunny, she will realize one day and she will come back but every evening shows me the negative aspect…can anybdy help me on that???plzz i need to know what should i do now?
Dear Taya,
In my humble opinion I offer you my feelings. Forgive him and leave him. He doesn’t deserve you. You need to be strong and know that how he treated you was without love or respect, the lesson for you is learn to forgive him and send him on his way and wait for the man who does deserve you. Your fiance’s lesson is to learn to be loved is to give and receive respect and that is what he deserves. I trust that he will learn his lesson in his loss and he will become a better husband and human being. If you accept his infidelity and accept his cheating heart he will learn nothing and you will not receive what you justly deserve.
Be strong and have faith that you’re true life companion is still waiting for you.
I strongly believe that God puts certain people in our lives for a reason. I truely believe that about my fiance who recently was unfaithful to me. I am having a hard time understanding why he would be unfaithful God put him in my life to be my husband. Am I still supposed to be with him or is this a way of God telling me that its not right??? Any insights??
I thank you so very much reading this really touched my heart.. I was feeling like a fool for trying to work it out and hold on to my relationship! Wondering how can I still love him with all my heart after being betrayed. This makes me feel like there is hope after all..
Kay,
Yes, mentoring is done online through email. To be connected to a mentor, just fill out the form here and you will be matched with a mentor who is familiar with the kind of concerns you’ve been having:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I hope that it is a positive experience for you!
How do i get connected to a mentor? is it online? i don’t reside in the US but this will help me alot, currently going through some pain. i believe in forgiveness but its more difficult when you are dealing with someone who isn’t a christian and who sees your efforts to maintain peace as a weakness.
Dear Mar
It sounds like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, if you need to talk to someone I can get you connected to a mentor. Please let me know, the service is free and completely confidential.
Thank you for this article. I have been hurt so much. The betrayal, the cover ups and the never ending lies and connivance. I tried to forgive her but I don’t see genuine change in her. When I confront her about this, she would tell me…”I feel so confident about you because you love me too much.” When I demand her the truth, she would resort to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Now I’m a wreck. Falling deeply into hopelessness and despair. Frustration.
thank you so much for your article. knowing that god is in control helps you along the way. the only way God will ease our pain is by forgiving others. May God Bless each of you and i pray for each of you that your marriage have peace, love, happiness, and trust again.
Hi Cheryl,
It will be extremely hard to love again, if you don’t tell with your trust issues and the why. No matter who is at fault with a end to a relationship, each person plays a part and you will need to learn from the situation or else you are bound to repeat it again.
Leah
I don’t worry so much about why. I wonder how I can love again totally & completely, w/out wondering. It’s not fair to someone if I have a hard time trusting them because of what someone else did. He will eventually tire of my wondering, understandably. I really want to get passed this point and get on w/my life; sharing it w/someone, not alone.
When trust is broken it is hard to understand why it happened to you. We must look past this & understand that there is a reason for everything.
thanks so much for the help that you have given me!!
Thank you so much for this acticle. It has helped me learn and grow not only as a person but also it helped me grow closer to God. I hope that everyone that reads this crtic can fell better about themselves. Good bless!
Thank you for this article. You have to believe in God to forgive a person you love that has torn your heart apart.
Thank you for this wonderful write-up. I really spoke to me as I was feeling really broken and was encouraged by the practical biblical truths- thanks again!
Thank you so much for this article. I found myself very hurt by lies my spouse told me and needing to know where to go from here. Being reminded that I need to forgive because God forgave me really did help. Again, thank you.