Rebuilding Trust
Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Jake,
You said that “You see, there is only one cure for falling out of love – It is to fall in love again. Sad and painful, and true.” I’d have to disagree with that. Falling in love is not the cure to a broken heart, making peace with the end of the relationship is. You are in mourning, and justifiably so. Someone that you loved deeply is gone. I read a study a while back that said that the pain of heartbreak is more painful than childbirth. It is a truly awful thing to go through and I am so sorry that you find yourself in the midst of it. I can see from what you’ve written here that you loved her very much.
You might find the five stages of grief to be a helpful reference point as you work through your emotions and process your loss. As I’m sure you know the five stages are: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is very likely that you will move through all of these stages as you work through what you have lost. If you look to the last one you’ll see why this process is so important, both for your own peace of mind now and for the health of the next relationship when it comes along. Acceptance. You’re going to have to accept that as much as you want her back, unless she has a serious change of heart, she’s not coming back. You’re going to need to figure out what a life without her looks like and that is likely to take some time. Until you’ve come to terms with the end of this relationship you won’t be in a place where it’s possible to fall in love again.
If you were to meet your ideal woman today chances are you would not fall in love with her on the spot because your brain would be stuck thinking “but she’s not the one I love…” You would probably find yourself making comparisons that this hypothetical new girl could never live up to. No one can compete with a memory.
I do believe that it will be possible for you to fall in love again, but I would strongly caution you against looking for love as the antidote to your broken heart. They tell people who get divorced to wait two years before pursuing a serious relationship because it takes that long to process both your feelings and also whatever role you played in the divorce (notice I said role, not blame. I do not believe that both people are always at fault in a divorce, but both people were there when it happened and it’s important to take an honest look at what the relationship was really like.) You are not experiencing a divorce, but the idea behind the advice still applies. Take the time to get yourself sorted out so that when you meet someone wonderful you are emotionally, physically and spiritually available to love them. You can’t do that while you are consumed with the memory and pain of what you have lost.
You asked Sherry if she would tell someone who spilled milk and started crying to see a counsellor. I can’t speak for Sherry, but for myself, if a friend of mine cried over something like that then yes, I would ask them if they have considered counselling because clearly the milk is not the issue. Something else has taken up so much room in their heart that it has pushed their tears so close to the surface that simple milk is enough to send them spilling over. I don’t recommend counselling because I think someone is weak. I recommend it because putting your heart back together is really hard work and an outside perspective can really help. If a counsellor is too close to your girlfriend then consider a pastor, a trusted friend, or one of the mentors on this site.
Only you know the state of your own mind and heart. If you want to love again, you have to work through this pain first. New love doesn’t cancel out the old pain, at best it just distracts us from it for a little while. That small oblivion might sound really tempting, but don’t short change your heart. Work the process now and you’ll be ready when love comes calling.
Dear Jake,
What is the Lord saying to you? As you spend time reading your Bible, praying and enjoying our Father’s presence — what do you hear in your heart? That still, small voice?
I remember so clearly being in turmoil. Left, alone, discarded, tossed aside, frustrated, sad, lonely, angry… I was desperate for God to change my circumstances, do anything to just HELP me cope…and in my heart I heard, “I want to change you.” It was unexpected and if it hadn’t been His voice – pure, true, kind, compassionate, gentle, trustworthy – I don’t think I could have submitted. But thank God for His precious attention to every detail in our lives. Truly, He knows best and will never, never do anything for our harm. He is faithful.
God bless you, I will keep praying for you!
Kate
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Sherry, when a person is physically ill they get a medical physical doctor right? You tell them, “I think you better go to the doctor.”.
When a person spills milk all over themselves just after they have gotten ready to go to work and then they break down and start crying, do you tell them, “I think you could do with a counsellor?”
Which counsellor would help me then?
You see, there is only one cure for falling out of love – It is to fall in love again. Sad and painful, and true.
Jake;
Where in my comment did I state that you were mentally ill? Many people who are mentally stable seek out professional help when having a crisis. But if you deny yourself some happiness in life and continue the way you are going that’s totally your choice. All it really sounds like to me is that you like to complain about your problems rather than dealing with them head on. I have gone to therapy for an abusive boyfriend and sexual abuse and it helped me immensly! At least I have a better life and a great future. Alot of things we experience in life takes alot of work. God does not want us to be lazy in life. That is why God created people. To use them for our benefit. So you decide…are you gonna sit around and wait until God solves it our are you going to use the resources He provides. There are Christian therapists and counsellors at your desposal.
All you have offered Sherry is that I try and find a surrogate replacement for my Ex-girlfriend in the form of a Professional Psychologist. I don’t see how a psychologist is going to help me unless she is female, smells and looks exactly like my Ex and has the same ass and clothes, and attitudes, and indignance, and fearlessness, courage, sobriety, gumption, audacity, love.
The only answer is already written. There is little commerce to be made from selling the true God, Jehovah.
The only way to fall out of love with her, Sherry, is to fall in love with Jehovah. And I am sure He did this to me on purpose. THAT is how I keep going with hope – eh, but not hope but FAITH. Like, “I trust you know what you are doing my Lord. I will just trust You now and then good news because I don’t have to worry about trusting anyone else!”
Sherry, my university girlfriend was a psychologist. I know exactly what a random psychologist will say when I seek one.
What cured me of all the pain of my life was waking up next to the one I love and caressing her ass as she was sleeping. I don’t know how I am ever going to replace that ass but I guess I will just have to get used to it.
I don’t understand why you are seeming a little pushy about me finding a counsellor. I mean, I really just need that counsellor that I DID have, called my Ex-lover. I lost her.
So you look over the internet and you find forums of people talking about their similar woe, and it comforts you, at least for an
other day because you didn’t finish reading all of the last response as you fell asleep at the keyboard.
And that is how I get through each day. “Oh, but I need to read the rest of what that chap wrote about when he took her back…”
But you are off on some other extreme, like trying to tell me that I am mentally ill because I just lost the only thing other than a dog I ever loved so much and you are telling me I have been crying too long? No thanks, I will keep on crying.
Yes Jake, the Bible does have answers to all situations in life, but there are times when you are having emotional difficulties that are not being dealt with, like your own, when you need to seek out therapy. Not dealing with it and getting help will only make things worse. There is no shame in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist and someone who tells you that they are tools of Satan are using brain washing techniques, which is extremely damaging.
“…greatest thinkers, as true as the greatest lovers. Further, the intense vulnerability that we feel is not foreign to God… He knows what it is like to go out, way, way out on a limb, in fact putting His own life and limb on the line, even losing it, giving it up…”
God did to his son what he did to Job. His son had the command of his father if ever his father would wish that to be the outcome. Of course, Jesus was being watched closely by Jehovah. There was a time when Jesus almost feared Satan, where even the faith of one who had met Jehovah, who knew him as a son knows his father?
Solomon is great, his book Ecclesiastes. Here is a guy who sinned for 500 years, 500 wives, 2000 concubines, the greatest kingdom in all the history, powerful and prosperous and its people happy but its neighbours warred against, and Solomon wanted the queens of the other kingdoms and would build shrines to their Gods. And Jehovah told him that he must repent. He repented and he then wrote Ecclesiastes. A little short book. Amazing.
Indeed, the Bible has an answer for all situations –
Ecclesiastes 7:26
“26 I find more bitter than death
the woman who is a snare,
whose heart is a trap
and whose hands are chains.
The man who pleases God will escape her,
but the sinner she will ensnare.”
Jake;
Have you ever spoke to anyone about the way your feeling and the emptiness and depression you feel. You obviously have alot on your plate. Talking to a professional therapist or counsellor can help you sort out all that you are feeling and where you need to go from there.
You can’t get anything out of life focused on this girl. Your soulmate is out there somewhere. You can’t rush or hurry something that delicate. With that being said Jake, while you are still focused on her you will never be able to move on with life and find the possible person your meant to be with. But getting help for the inner turmoil will be a great step. Start doing some things for yourself. Maybe make a list of things you would like to do or accomplish. Do some things you really enjoy. Eat healthy and get regular physical activity at least 3 times a week. Start focusing on what you can do to make your life much better and worthwhile so you can enjoy life.
Good luck Jake and all the best to you!
Dear J,
Have you laid it all down at Jesus’ feet? He knows how tired you are, how difficult the mountain is you have to climb, how low, dark and pitiful is the valley you’re in. He can get you through and He will, for He is able and faithful, only put your faith in Him. I even dare you to open your Bible, expecting the Lord to speak to your heart… and just see what He says. He can do transformation like you wouldn’t believe, and the joy of such transformation is more than we could ask or imagine.
God bless you!
Kate
Dear Jake,
Your comments resonate with me. I think I have been in a similar place with my husband, needing to wake up next to him again, knowing I could not love any other as I love him. One thing really encouraged me: God feels the same way about us. As eager as we are for our spouses, God is infinitely more eager to be with us, to be as near as a lover, as real as a spouse, as helpful as a friend, as sure as a rock beneath our feet, as wise as the greatest thinkers, as true as the greatest lovers. Further, the intense vulnerability that we feel is not foreign to God… He knows what it is like to go out, way, way out on a limb, in fact putting His own life and limb on the line, even losing it, giving it up… for our sake. So that He could be close to us, so that we would choose to be close to Him, to let Him in, to receive His love, to be healed by His care, to be ignited by His passion, to be refreshed by His grace, to be freed by His mercy…. and when our heavenly Father raised our Lord Jesus from the dead He confirmed something that cannot be seen without eyes of faith: radical vulnerability rules the cosmos. SO, let us keep pressing on, fighting the good fight, trusting the Lord for the victory, not by power or by might, but by His Spirit!
Trust Him with all your heart; He will never fail you or forsake you.
Blessings in Christ,
Kate
I am so helplessly in love with you. I have to find a way to fall out of love with you. I have to wake up in the night next to the woman I love again. Fall out of love with you? Love a different woman? This is going to be hell. I will chase women who remind me of you, and they will never be enough. I will be miserable forever, even when I am dead I will be miserable for the years I spent not waking up next to the woman I love.
On Top of Old Smokey
70 x 7 = hard. I’ve forgiven my wife of 25 years of an emotional affair but found a left over poem she wrote about him this weekend in a hidden spot… So hard to get trust back. Tired of feeling this way.
Do you know why I stayed with you after I found out you cheated on me with this [Name removed] fraud? Because you told me that your uncle molested you. I thought, “She needs a man who does not think that her vagina is a valuable part of the relationship. Because, if I react like the fact that her vagina was with another man is so big a problem that I would leave her, then she will feel ashamed that she was sexually abused. I need to show her that it is not important”. And I did that. And I truly forgave you with all my heart, after having been wounded in my own ego and spirit I surrendered myself to love, to give myself to you AGAIN I could not believe I did it but I found the ability to do it. But then what did you do after that? You CONTINUED cheating on me with him this [Name removed], and lying to me like I am a fool.
[Name removed] maybe I am a fool. But everyone in this world wants to find someone to be their partner who they trust, and love, and share this intimacy with that is only between them alone, a special place, a place permitted by God between two lovers alone.
I searched and searched the internet to see the opinions of all other lovers in the world, and I was not alone. Everyone thinks the same way I do about love and possession, about love and privacy, about love and fidelity – it is the common objective of all men and women to find that.
But you kept on cheating with him on me, you kept on doing it and it hurt so much – It was only because it physically hurt so much that I could not continue. Like when you are carrying a great great weight on your shoulders and you need to put it down on the ground, and rest, surrender to it because it is hurting you now it is so heavy and you physically can not carry it anymore or you will fall to the ground and it will crash upon you and destroy you if you do not put it down – So it was with you. I loved you so much I would have done anything physically laborious to keep you if I had known I could do that. But you made it impossible for me to love you anymore. In the end I just looked in the mirror and all I saw was a broken fool. If I stayed any longer with you then I would not have even recognised the man in the mirror anymore.
I loved you. I don’t think I love you anymore. I can’t avoid all those memories now, the negative stories of my past with you, our memories.
Jake
Soph, I don’t mind long comments.
It sounds like you and your husband really need to talk but that you’ve tried that and he has responded very negatively. There are a few things I’d suggest:
1. Pray. You are probably already doing this, but it needs to be said anyway. Pray. Pray a lot. Pray for your husband and your marriage. Pray that God would create an opening for the two of you to talk.
2. Choose your time wisely. Are you trying to have these conversations when he’s just home form work? Or late at night? Or when he’s busy with something else? See if there is a time when he is relaxed and unhurried and try to have the conversation then.
3. If he’s never ready for the conversation, tell him ahead of time that you want to talk to him later and ask him to choose a time. Some men (and some women for that matter) feel attacked if a big conversation is “thrown on them”. They like time to think about it. So you could consider saying something like “I’d really like to talk to you about _________ later on today/this week. When would be a good time to talk about that?” Sometimes having a little control makes it easier.
4. Choose your opening carefully. If he feels like you’re unhappy and he’s going to get yelled at the conversation is not going to go well. He’ll get defensive (which is also exactly what I do). Instead of diving into “You did these ten things and I don’t like it” start with something that’s more positive. Perhaps something like “I miss you” would be a better opening. Relationship experts will tell you that using “I” statements helps. Instead of saying “You do _____” say “I feel ________ when _________ happens.”
If you still find it impossible to get him to have the conversation, ask him if he’d be willing to come with you to talk to a pastor or counsellor. Make sure he knows that you’re doing this because you love him and you believe that your marriage can be stronger.
Also, and this one is hard (not like the others were easy) but try to remember that rebuilding a relationship is a process and set your expectations accordingly. This will likely be a long, slow process. If you’re barely talking, one conversation isn’t going to see the two of you out on a lovely dinner date. So set small goals. Can you greet each other pleasantly in the morning? Have a conversation over dinner about something trivial – a tv show, last night’s game – something that isn’t personal. Build from there.
If your husband is not willing to see a counsellor, consider going to see one by yourself anyway. A counsellor could really help you sort out the dynamics in your relationship, why you respond certain ways and more effective strategies for talking through your husbands demands. It takes two to really save a marriage, but it only takes one to make the first move. You said that you want to stay, so as long as it’s safe to do so, take a step toward your husband. And then take another. If you’d like to talk to a mentor privately mentors are always available.
Hi Clare, re: your message to Gwen
“Talk to him. Talk to him when you’re both fully clothed and in a location where things cannot move to the bedroom. Figure out what you want and what he wants and whether or not they are still the same thing.”
While I know the hurt of being accused of things one has not done is unthinkable, not talking at all is also horrible. I really like the way you said it “figure out if what I want and what he wants are still the same”. I have come to a point when I just accept this opportunity cannot be mine. and I realised just a few years ago that we never really talk about us. on my part I just presumed he would do what a husband ought to do but now I cannot know if what he believed a husband ought to do is the same as what I presumed (based on the males in my family) and what husbands do in general in the society we both grow up. My initial caregiver were very strict, I could not breathe and juvenile as this may sound I married early to escape believing that my husband could help me experience the breathing space I yearned. he’s very calm but I did not know better it would not necessarily mean he would not be possessive. little did I know I jumped straight from the pan into the fire, for my husband who is calm and subtle in his ways imposed more of those restrictions. I even had to stop going to office gatherings because he forbade it.. and I obeyed because that’s what I knew wives do, submit/obey their husband. I was not happy doing them but still I did believing that he would care for me. he said the reason why he was doing what he did was because I allowed them to happen, that had I said No each time he imposed something he would not have insisted. obviously he took advantage of my upbringing, he knew of my servile tendencies. I felt like I wasted so much of the years which God gave me freely. anyway we are now having problems and he’s very laid-back and we don’t talk except for mundane things like “there’s a letter for you in the post”. So I don’t know what he is thinking or what his plans are, etc. He flares up when I try to start a conversation. I pray and think hard before even starting but as I said I am now resigned that it’s not going to happen. Now we are just two people living in the same house. I’m not sure how to stay human if I continue like this but I choose to stay because we still have younger children together. Sorry I did not mean to write a long one.
Lord God I pray for Richard as he tries to figure out how to bring healing to his relationship with his wife. Lord You are the only one who can truly change his wife and so I pray that You would do that: convict her of the way that she takes advantage of her husband. Reveal to her how her actions hurt so many people around her and bring her to a place of repentance. I pray for Richard that he would have wisdom knowing how to respond to her and protect himself from further hurt. Strengthen his body and heal him from the lupus. Lord this is all going to take a miracle from You so we look to You to do that. In Jesus name amen.
Hi Joey;
Your more than welcome! Your story did touch me and I could relate to it. I pray that things get better for you. God is bigger than any problem that you are experiences and He can turn your ashes and pain into victories through Jesus.
God Bless you Joey!
Sherry
Hi Sherry
Thank you very much! It’s nice to get on here and see a nice lady like you that is nice and looking out for other people thank you soo much!!!
Hi Joey!
I am very sorry about your situation. The question is not that God will forgive you, He HAS forgiven you. If you have sincerely asked the Lord to forgive you and you’ve spoken with the Lord about your situation He has forgiven you. Also, ask the Lord to help make positive changes in your life. Read His word daily. Apply the Word to your life. I was a troubled teen and with the Lord’s help and His direction all things will be made new. Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you. If you are in a good bible believing, Spirit filled church, talk to your pastor.
About your parents, it will probably take them time. Keep honoring your parents. I would suggest that you watch Fireproof! It is a film for married couples, but can also be applied to any relationships in your life. Having good healthy friendships. Fireproof has helped me in my friendships and my family relationships.
Also make sure to have good chrisian relationships with your peers. Stay very clear of individuals who are not professing Christians. This is very true for me in my life. Bad company corrupts good morals. They will destroy your walk with God, destroy your testimony and destroy your relationships with family and close loved ones. Your parents do love you. It will just take them time, like I said. You will be in my prayers and I pray that the Blood of Jesus protect you and the Holy Spirit to guide you. As long as you stay close to God and follow and obey Him, nothing can destroy you. God is POWER!
hi my name is Joey,
lately i have made some bad choices and when my parents asked if i did it or not i decided to lie because i got really scared and didnt know what to do. Then other events that happened in the past started to come up and bite me in the butt again. And its really hurting my parents! I’ve never seen my mom cry right in front of me until the other day and that was the worst pain i have ever witnessed… the biggest punishment I have gotten is knowing that my parents are upset with me and can’t trust me!… I just want everything to be gone and in the past but I know it is going to take some time so get over these things! One day I hope I can have a normal life and be back to normal with my family and friends. I love God very much and I know he will forgive me for what I have done and hopefully my parents can forgive me for what I have done too…. I am just glad everything is off my chest and out in the open! I am just really upset that I hurt my parents and I care about them and love them soooo much and I just want to have that close relationship again!!! ANY SUGGESTIONS???
my wife & i have been married 12 yrs we are separated i am disabled i want her to come home but im afraid that she will leave me again 3 time i have lupus & it causes great pain & flairs when she leaves but she has continuly steals from me money, personal belongings, completly took all the savings checking left me with out a dime so i had to open a new account with uot her on it because i cant trust her she did eventually give it back but i cant trust her i have tgo sleep with my money in my under wear or she will get made & steal it i love her i can forgive her but trusting her when she wont stop i dodnt understand because i have NEVER TOLD HER NO ! in anything she wants money tvs ,ect why does she keep doing it & how can i ever trust her i want to stay married but i know i have got to trust hedr for it to ever work she is very angry,hatefil, misserable i go to counseling but she doesnt think theres anything wrong with her its my fault she does say she loves me & wants to stay married but she wont get help what am i to do i pray for her confused.
What? Been going out two months and weren’t married and you cheated on him? Yes, it’s sin and I don’t know the extent of your relationship at the time but he needs to leave his pride at the door and move on in the beautiful marriage God has given him. What a baby. Marriages suffer much harder blows than that and God still expects forgiveness. Let him make his choices, keep loving, keep forgiving, stay obedient to God’s word and pray.
Hi Melissa, I appreciate your truth-telling. I know that there are those who would say that some secrets are best kept from your spouse because of the hurt they may cause but as you indicate, I think those hidden mistakes become a heavy weight for you to carry and they very rarely stay secrets. Just as Moses reminded the descendants of Jacob “You can be sure your sin will find you out.” (Number 32:23) As you noted, there is a freedom when the truth is aired and while it may be hurtful, there is opportunity to build on a love relationship that has a foundation of truth-telling.
You said you would like to access some counselling and spiritual guidance. I would certainly recommend that. It can be very helpful to have a different perspective on your situation especially when that person helps the both of you to look to God for help in the midst of the problems. He is the one who is going to be able to take the pain of this revelation and bring true healing. I would say that even if your husband is unwilling to participate (it is best if he does join) it would be helpful for you to have that kind of input in your own life. Do you and your husband belong to a church? Is there a pastor there that you feel comfortable in sharing with? If that is too intimidating you could also ask for a referral to another pastor or Christian Counsellor.
The best thing you can do is to look to God for direction in every interaction with your husband. He has prepared the good things He wants you to do already and as the Good Shepherd He will lead you in the path of His righteousness. So if you focus your attention on God’s direction you can have confidence that He will lead you in the way that is best; not necessarily easy, but best!
Lord God I do pray for Melissa and her husband as they face the consequences of this mistake from long ago. I pray that You would use this to strengthen their love for one another and their commitment to their marriage. Help Melissa to know how best to give her husband the space he needs as he processes the information but also to be able to speak and act in ways that clearly communicate her love for him and her determination to continue to be faithful. I pray that You would help Melissa to deal completely with the impact in her own life that this sin has left and that she would know Your full forgiveness. I pray for their children that they would see in their parents the model of what it means to love unconditionally and that these would be lessons that they incorporate into their own lives as they grow and develop. I pray all this in the power of the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Arcella and Melissa.
Listen, in the world of “How to Get your Girlfriend back and keep her” the mantra was that no matter what she is telling you the real reason for her leaving you is because you are not giving her sexual satisfaction – whatever that is, you are not giving it and that is why they seek another partner – for that sexual part.
After having read your stories, I think – because your husbands’ reasonings are so disproportionate to reality that then it is simply that – you are not dynamically exciting them. The sad reality of the non-Christian life, the Headonistic life, is that this is what you will ALWAYS deal with if you fall out with the wisdom of Christ and how you must live the live according to how Christ told you that you must live the life and what Christ told you was documented by the prophets in the New Testament. I too need to take this advice.
Sorry I wasn’t finished writing and my post got submitted early. Anyway, my husband is deeply upset and at the time can’t seem to find any solution other than divorce. He even admits that he has difficulty forgiving when he has been wronged. He recognizes that I have been a wonderful wife and he even trusts me in terms of fidelity and loyalty to our family. He just says that thIngs are going to change and that he won’t be able to see me in the same light. I don’t blame him, I would probably react the same. But I also have a very forgiving heart and I just hoPe he can forgive me completely some day, and not choose to terminate our marriage. I don’t know what else to do for now but pray. I also would love to get counseling and more spiritual guidance but I can tell that he is hesitant because he doesn’t believe it will work and the wound is also fresh. What other things can I do to help this situation?
I have been in an otherwise healthy and happy marriage for the best 3 years of my life. My husband and I have two beautiful children together. Today he asked me if I would ever do a lie detector test. I said no and suddenly we got into a sticky area where I felt trapped and admitted something that happened a long time ago, before we were married and only two months into dating. I had cheated on him and although he always had his doubts, I constantly reassured him that nothing haPpened that night, when in fact it did. Iafter the guilt of that night and also coming to the reality that this wonderful man in my life was indeed “the one”, I decided to bury this and just focus on being honest and faithful from that point on…and never look back. And that I did. I have never even had a thought of cheating on this man who is so deserving of all my respect and devotion. But the truth came to haunt me, and I was tired of lying about that incident anyway. I feel a sense of relief in the midst of all this
thank you all for the insight and advice. FiFL i am taking what you said to heart. i know nagging is not the answer. i got his sister involved, just so that he could talk about it from another point of view, that was NOT the answer. the only thing i can do is what you suggested, stop nagging and take care of myself and my child – while keeping a “peaceful” household. i suggested a counseling retreat….and am waiting on a response. thank you again, and i wish all of you out there with problems good luck……and try to preserve some dignity through all this. i’ve stomped all over mine but am in the process of picking it up and dusting it off.
Arcella, It sounds like your husband’s reaction is out of proportion to what has happened. Is there something else that is affecting this? Are you guys experiencing extra financial stress right now? Have you had trouble with money in the past? Is he having trouble at work? Have you guys ever been in danger of losing your house? I’m wondering if he is connecting these small financial issues with a larger problem or danger. I’ve never heard of someone threatening divorce over $500.
It concerns me that something that seems to have been a genuine oversight has turned into accusations of lying and even talk of an affair. I could understand if he was upset that something he thought was taken care of was not, but I don’t see where the leap to cheating is coming from. It sounds to me like he is reacting to something else – some other pressure, some other fear, something that happened a long time ago perhaps? The accusations don’t make sense unless.
I’d recommend have a good long conversation with him when you are both calm and rested. Tell him that you are sorry for not telling him about the bills right away but that you are hurt that he would even consider that you might have an affair. Tell him that you didn’t think it would be such a huge issue and ask him why it turned into one. It may be that he’s worried about something you haven’t thought about or it could be that he’s stressed and over-reacting and needs to be gently reminded that this has been blown way out of proportion.
I am not sure how to handle my situation with my marriage. My husband says he doesn’t trust me because I didn’t tell him about not paying two bills that totaled $500 (bills that aren’t vital to our household). My husband is away alot, and I am left to handle the family finances. I had every intention that day to pay the two bills, but I procrastinated by two days. Eventually, I had to make a decision because our funds were running low, and if I paid the bills, we would nothing to get to the end of the month. We got through the end of the month, but he was angry that I didn’t tell him I didn’t pay them. To be honest, I witheld the information because I knew he would get mad. Two weeks later I told him in the midst of another conversation, and he went to the moon. He didn’t want to see me when he came home and was mentioning a divorce. This was the first time in 7 years of marriage that I did something like this. I would have never foreseen he would act like this. He said that lieing is disloyalty and deceitful. I really didn’t believe I was purposefully lieing or intending to lie. He kept drilling me and accusing me so I just said yes I lied but I didn’t mean to. We finally got over that within a month.
But now, our house was broken into and one of the items was an XBOX 360 that we bought for the kids. It was there only Christmas present and paid for it through a payment system that comes directly from my paycheck. I never receive a bill and it is paid off in 18 months. I found out we had $740 left to pay, and he went off again because he didn’t know I had paid so much for a fully loaded XBOX with Kinect. I reminded him we had discussed and he agreed to it. I went to order the game system package but the original deal was not there so I made a quick decision to order the next bigger package (with the same amount of payments). I had to make the quick decision since it was toward the end of November and deals were going fast. He is now angry at me because I didn’t tell him I order a bigger package and I didn’t mention it as a bill. I reminded him of the payment plan we discussed which is so easy and convenient that I don’t even think about it. It never occured to me that I needed to tell him. He now saying I am untruthful again and if I’ve been dishonest twice in less than six weeks, what else am I lieing about. He has even insinuated that I could be having an affair.
I don’t know how to handle this. I can see this really has hurt our marriage, but the nature of the situations seems so incidental to me. They were mindless mistakes that I don’t think warrant a divorce. I’ve never cheated on him or caused him to distrust me in anyway. I tell him I’m going to church, when I’m on my way home, and any time I set foot out of our house so he is aware of my whereabouts. I have always done this because I never want him to wonder where I’m at. This isn’t even about fidelity, but he truly believes I am a liar, deceitful, and dishonest. This is so far from the truth because I have always been honest with him but somehow he sees my mindless mistake as tragic. Please help me with a some perspective and advice. Thank you for bearing with me through my story.
leslie, SORRY you are going through all of this. This is a very common problem and seeing how he is treating you side-ways, it starts with you. Cuz he may say that he is happy to be in this relationship but his actions speaks otherwise. I feel like having a good chat here. Just my theories that I hope will help you some how.
Having a go at him, won’t help. God understands thou and if you believe in him, he can give you ideas about what to do and a great sense of peace. If you are a true beleiver, God can make any rough situation more bearable until it improves.This is not an isolated case but women’s response is generally familiar. Truley, you must have wasted a lot of energy trying to figure out, trying to mend something, trying to understand; trying trying and trying. I would take a different approach.
When men do wrong, they are afraid to admit it cuz they hate to fail in the eyes of the object of their love, or who they use to love. When women go on and on, it just irritates them and often, they get no where but tend to regress back to nonsense.This is a suggestion for your sake. Look after yourself properly. You work hard and so you deserve to be looked after. Sometimes when our spouse suppose too and they don’t; that will hurt my dear but it is not the end of the world.
You have to work hard so unfortunatly, do just that and take good quality time to rest; and play. Women in that situation would be exhausted and flat if they don’t look after themselves and their children, make that your no.1Priority. If you’re the main cook in the house, still cook for your husband; if you wash his clothes and iron them, still do that but first, look after you. Take time out and go out with your girlfriends and have a good time. Be polite to him but if he is holding out on you, it will be hard to hold down a normal conversation until he came give an explanation. Let him see you loving you, yea, by looking after yourself, giving your self time to relax, chill, go out and be with your girlfriends for lunch or coffee or a get together. What ever your past time is, if it’s going for a walk, going to the museum, going to the gym or gets some comedies and laugh, Start doing it again, asap. This is not going to be easy but you are showing him that you matter, END OF and if he starts questioning what you doing, just make him know that you was not put on this planet to be treated indifferent and to slave for a company/organisation on a 12 hr shift, pay my taxes and insurance and to come home to this. So, I am taking control on what I want in my life, which is laughter, fun, hard work and love and if you don’t give me love, others will like family, friends and my self and God.
We can make things easy for men or harder; believe it or not. Sorry to say sweetheart but nagging a man will make things worse. Don’t stop supporting him in the area of cooking for him or ironing his clothes or what ever you use to do. Be pleasant enough to him and enjoy your life. What you are doing is diverting your attention away from him to you. Sometimes wives get lost in the relationship and forget themselves a little or a lot. Don’t worry if he doesn’t compliment you. You try and look your best for you and compliment yourself everyday. Oh I look great today, you should say while looking in the mirror; if he hears it, all the better. Your husband must know that you still love you. Sometimes a husband is not at the place to look after his wife cuz his trippin on infidelity or his minds not at the place, or his gone back in his cave. Leave him too it and try not to nag him. Just ask him calmly when you see he is in the mood to listen and ask him about the details of the women you saw in his phone. If he doesn’t give you an answer or the answer is not forthcoming, that is an issue.
Concerning the bedroom, it may be difficult for you to open up if a woman believes her man is being unfaithful. Each wife to her own way of sorting that out but I personally would just say, not to night darling, I refuse to share my body with another woman. That may open him up to talk about it or not. For me, I cannot share a man’s body with another but it’s up to each woman. For me personally, I would just continue to show respect to my husband, cook and clean but the bedroom is a no no. I would just say, honey, if you want more than one woman, and then do what you want, but as for me, I don’t roll that way then just roll over and sleep lol.That approach to me is better than nagging. You have a right to speak your mind, but it is the way we speak that can either bring results or not. That is how I operate and it brings results; EVERY TIME.
I HOPE THAT HELPS AND I’LL BE PRAYING FOR A GREAT OUTCOME.
GOD BLESS YOU DEAR
Leslie, it is obvious to me from reading your comment that your husband has not only broken your trust but is flaunting it in front of you by continuing on with relationships that are totally inappropriate for a married man.
The question you will need to ask yourself and then him is whether or not he wants to save your marriage. Is he willing to commit himself to you and you alone? It sounds to me like the two of you need to see a professional counselor and try to talk through what has happened in your relationship and where it is headed.
Brena, short of a miracle, your relationship isn’t going to change if it has been going on like this for 5 years. It probably isn’t anything you are doing, but more to do with his fears and insecurities. You are now a prisoner, afraid to go out because of the accusations that he will throw your way as a result. It’s time for you to take a step back and decide if it is really worth staying in this relationship or not. May I also suggest that we have online mentors that would love to walk alongside of you. Just go to this page and fill it out and someone will email you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Leslie, he has these girls sending like that. This sounds like my recent ex-girlfriend.
Which part of it do you not get? He is having little rendevous with other women, getting down and dirty with them, even more dirty than normal because he is cheating on you and that adds to the hotness of his sex, cheating on YOU, you are a fool like I am.
Which part don’t you get? Thats the reality of it. And he will be a terrible father too? Maybe not, its just YOU he loves treating like you are worth nothing.
Listen Leslie, the most perfect slave you can ever have in your life is the one you marry. What a perfect life huh? Your wife or husband is an unquestioning slave to you?
hi!
my husband and i are having lots of problems. it all started when i saw a text in his phone just days before i gave birth to our first (only) child from some random girl – hi baby i miss you. since then we have been arguing because i’ve gone through his phone multiple times and i KEEP finding innapropriate messages from females. i tell him he’s wrong and that i am the only one he should speak to in that manner….he flips the script and says he can’t trust me because i went through his phone. the last message i found, he was sitting right next to me and i askedd to go through his phone – while he was sitting right there! i found a message from some girl saying she missed his kiss and she is always thinking about him and asking if he thought about her too. he replies that yes he does think about her and he’s sorry he didn’t get to see her last time he was home, but hopefully he will this time. WTF!? how am i supposed to trust someone who keeps lying to me and who refuses to grasp the concept of innapropriate. i told him that if he is saying something to someone that he thinks i would get upset about then he shouldn’t be saying it. then i told him that the propper response to that would have been (which he wrote to her) i am married and you speaking to me like that is disrespectful to himself and his wife AND our child who deserves a happy home. i haven’t been through his phone since.
on top of all this, he has been very nasty towards me. he doesn’t ask me how my day was, he doesn’t clean up when i ask, he won’t tell me i look pretty (and when i ask if i look good he says that he was going to tell me that i did but now he isn’t because i am making him….”you know how i am!”) i was sick today, got off of a 12 hour shift, came home and took some nyquill and slept for 10 hours until it was time to get up and come back to work for a 12 hour shift…..when he got off work he didn’t even ask me if i felt better. he said ~ since you slept all day you should be well rested to go to the bank tomorrow (we need a car loan). we went to the club the other night with some of our friends…he never told me i looked nice, didn’t say one word to me until some other random guy came and stood next to me..didn’t dance with me until i went over to him. i tried to put his hand around me while we were standing on line and he asked me what i was doing?! WTF!? i’m not perfect by any means, but i am trying to fix my flaws. i apologized for going through his phone but i tried to get the point across that everytime i do, i find something! so how am i supposed to trust you?! he refuses the concept of trust being a process…..and he refuses to be “nice” to me. i am trying so hard to stay positive and to keep a happy home. i deserve to happy too though. everyday i am scared to bring something up (like pee on a toilet) because i don’t want to start an argument. somehow we always end up arguing anyway because he is being sneaky and doesn’t treat me like he needs me. i don’t feel very attractive to HIM or anyone else….and i feel like he doesn’t want me anymore. if he did why would he treat me like this? why would he keep talking to other girls and lie – saying that he’s happy with me and i’m who he NEEDS and WANTS to be with. why does he treat me like shit? please help.
I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years. We both have had our ups and downs but for some reason he can’t forgive me and constantly thinks I’m messing around. We got engaged on 03/04/2012 and we just broke up yesterday. We have two kids together and I really wanted to rebuild our relationship because I love him so much. I just can’t deal with all the accusing and constantly thinking I’m out with a guy If I tell him I’m going out with a girlfriend. I stopped going out because I wanted to cease the stress. That didn’t work. He stated to me, Why you just can’t have sex with me to make me feel like you’re not doing anything. I couldn’t believe that. It was very hurtful, it made me feel nasty, and it made me feel like he didn’t enjoy having sex with me, he enjoyed having that control. We’ve been going back and forth with this issue for 5 years. I know, a long time for foolishness and I can’t seem to rebuild his trust. I let everything he has ever done go right out the window. Why can’t he do the same with me? I suggested we stop having sex to rebuild our friendship and he took it as I wasn’t attracted to him. I’m lost, I’m confused, what am I doing wrong?
Dear Judy
I am really sorry to hear about your illness and you will be in my prayers.
About the boyfriend you are speaking of, in my opinion it is toxic to you to hold on to someone and a hope of a relationship that possibly isn’t there. It isn’t good for you especially during your illness. Holding on to the people that are in your life that give you the support you need is very important, but going through this emotional pain with him isn’t good.
I do agree with the NC (no contact) policy with in a broken relationship. It’s for your health and your sanity and to be able to move on with life for a hope of a brighter future. I’m sure you will think of him. Everyone that has been in a relationship with someone they broke up with does think of their ex. Just take one day at a time. Call up a friend who is understanding of your situation. Do something that will benefit you. Go for a coffee with a friend. Go shopping. Get your nails done. Watch a favorite movie. Do some tasks that have been held off and keep focused on the task at hand (something that doesn’t compromise your physical health). Easter is coming up…celebrate the passion of Jesus and His suffering. Going to church will help. Maybe talk with your pastor, minister or priest. Wherever you attend church.
I truly hope things will get better for you. You are in my prayers. Take very good care of yourself and your health. You have to think of yourself. It sounds selfish, but when you have a serious medical issue going on in your life…you have to hun!
I recently got back together with my boyfriend who had broken up with me. We had never had a fight or argument before that and I honestly thought things were good between us until one morning he just decided to text me that he couldn’t be with me anymore. I was shattered. I felt so broken at the time and I tried so many times to reach out to him but he just snubbed me. His excuse was that I was terminally ill and he couldn’t see himself be with someone who might die at any moment. I needed him to be strong for me and when he left I felt so unsure of myself again since he had used the one thing I cannot change.
I was not ready to let him go and I never believed that he didn’t love me anymore, I just believed that he panicked and that was why he decided to leave. I sought strngth in prayer and tried by all means to keep my head up while I was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and I would cry during the day and my mom would always tell me to be strong and I would be just fine.
So it happened that when I reached out to him 2 months later he was more open with me and said we did need to talk but we would do so when he had sorted himself out since he wasn’t ready yet. The day for the talk came and I went out to see him as he lives very far from me. Everybody kept telling me the same thing, to let him go, an ex should stay an ex, but I chose to listen to my heart, I didn’t want to go through life wondering what would have happened if I had gone.
I got to him and he gave me the biggest hug and I fell into his arms and we just talked, not about the issue but we talked like old friends and we spent the weekend going out, him spoiling me rotten and we laughed so much, it was the first time we laughed that much in the history of our relationship. We did talk after 2 days and he apologised and told me that he just panicked and he didn’t really wanna lose and he was wrong to things the way that he had done them and that he loves me, still. We were fine when I left him to come back home. He got me on the bus and kissed me goodbye and told he would see me soon. He checked up on me until I got home later that night. Things were better in our relationship, things are better in our relationship. Just that he has been working on growing his business and he sometimes returns my smses late or returns my calls late. When he doesn’t immediately respond I always think the worst has happened, that he has grown cold feet again and the next sms I will get will be him telling me that he can’t do this anymore. it is driving me crazy because I forgave him and he has been so sweet since we made up but of late I find that I panic and think he will leave me and it is changing me into this person that I am not. I am normally so secure with myself and the person that I am but lately I fear that he will leave. It is not his fault, surely I cannot expect him to not be busy simply because Im struggling with moving past things? It is my issue that have past it and I don’t know how to tell him without making him feel as if he has to apologise for the same thing all over again. I mean how do I move past this? I know there are no guarantees in life but I just fear that I will lose him and I might start doing things that will push him away even though I don’t mean it. How do I talk to him without becoming an emotional wreck? Without coming off as needy and clingy because I kinda feel like I am needy and clingy right now?
Gwen,
You’re in the midst of a complicated situation. The first thing I would suggest is going to be unpopular, but hear me out. I think you should stop sleeping with him, at the very least until you’ve sorted out what it is that you want. Sex complicates things. Yes it feels great, but it’s not going to sort out the issues that you’re having with each other and it can make a relationship that’s not that strong feel more substantial. Jumping into bed can become the thing that you do so you don’t have to talk about the hard stuff. It works, for awhile, but it’s too shaky a foundation to build a lasting relationship on.
Also, you mentioned getting saved recently, which is fantastic! You’ve probably noticed that the Bible is pretty specific about saving sex for marriage. It’s not because God is a killjoy, it’s because sex bonds people in a way that conversation or spending time together does not. When you’re being bonded to the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with, that’s great. But when you’re being bonded to someone who hasn’t decided how they feel about you, it can be incredibly painful. You can save yourself a lot of heartache by keeping your clothes on. It’s not a magic bullet, but it makes things a lot less complicated.
I don’t know you, or this guy, but from what you’ve told me hear it sounds like he’s using your one mistake as a trump card for a deeper issue. If he had truly forgiven you for what happened with Nina he’d stop using it as a weapon against you. As long as he keeps bringing it up in fights, he hasn’t really forgiven you. Because that’s what forgiveness does, it lays down our weapons. There’s nothing you can do to undo what happened, either he can forgive you and move forward or he cannot. It sounds like right now at least, he can’t. There’s a lot of power in having something like that to throw at your partner, you can never deny it and he can make you listen to what you’ve done over and over again. But love doesn’t do that – at least not healthy love.
It is possible to salvage this? That’s a question only the two of you can answer. You need to decide that you are worth being forgiven, that if he cannot do so then you have to go and find someone new because you do not deserve to be punished for this for the rest of your life. He needs to decide whether or not he can let this go. Some people can and some people can’t. If he really can’t, then you have to respect that and he needs to realize that his decision means the end of what you had together. It really is that black and white. Without it he is going to accuse you of things for years to come and he’ll feel justified in doing so (and you’ll probably feel bad enough that you’ll stand there and take it).
Ask yourself some questions – was he jealous before? Was he suspicious? Has he accused you of things before but it was okay because you were innocent? Has he always been critical? Does he have a quick temper? The reason I ask is that his last outburst seems pretty illogical. You can’t be held responsible for spam and if he was thinking clearly he’d see that, which makes me wonder why he isn’t thinking clearly. It sounds like you have gone to pretty great lengths to do everything you can to make him feel like he can trust you. If a year of no contact isn’t enough for him I’m not sure that anything ever will be.
Talk to him. Talk to him when you’re both fully clothed and in a location where things cannot move to the bedroom. Figure out what you want and what he wants and whether or not they are still the same thing.
Hi all,
I am on and off with someone who cannot trust me. We were engaged for about a year and a half. Almost a year ago, we were having some issues and I was very upset with him and our lives. I was out with my friend, Nina, who wasn’t a fan of my boyfriend. She started talking me up and telling me how I shouldn’t have to deal with his behavior, and dragging me to talk with another guy at the bar. At the end of the night, she gave the guy, my number and we texted, although nothing even flirtatious. Nina kept texting me about him, and started talking about how he was cute, and how she thought the three of us should meet the next day, as he was leaving the country the next night. I went along with it, although I didn’t want to meet up with him, but I didn’t want to make her feel bad either because she didn’t want to go alone.
No rendezvous transpired, but that night my boyfriend read all the texts that were sent and very clearly felt incredibly betrayed. We were the type of couple that wouldn’t even have celebrity crushes; we were completely and entirely devoted and attracted only to each other. The fact that I talked about another guy being cute and about meeting up with him was devastating to him. It was a stupid act I did out of wanting to please my friend, and also out of anger at him at the time. But from the messages, it completely sounded like I was on board to meet up with him and Nina, and that I was into him. From being dishonest to Nina and not wanting to displease her, it made matters seem so much worse, and I couldn’t even prove that they weren’t.
After lengthy discussions we worked things out, and had a list of things we both needed to work on, and did. I was also saved shortly after. Things were going great for me personally. We went on a break for a while and got back together a month later. We were fine for a while, but then it became clear he still wouldn’t trust me because of that incident. He scrutinized almost everything and was constantly worried I was cheating on him. He got suspicious any time I was talking to a guy. He said he had forgiven me. Still, he remained distrusting. He broke it off a few weeks ago because he said he could not deal with the worry that I might be lying to him.
We’ve slept together twice in the past two weeks, and 4 days ago he was as romantic as ever and professed his love to me and how he doesn’t think we should lose what we have. Then just today he tells me he’s angry at me because he realized another lie I told him and that he’s glad because feels better about breaking it off. It was about a text I got from a number I didn’t have in my contacts, asking for my name, address, and phone # so that they could quote my insurance – to me, a pretty obvious scam attempt. He said he remembered that was something an old friend of ours always said, and that now he sees I’d been texting him behind his back. It was devastating trying to convince him that it simply wasn’t true, because he couldn’t trust me. To me, it’s obvious because I love him, have zero interest in that friend and have not contact him in over a year. I still don’t know if he believes me.
Is there any way to salvage this? It is so incredibly painful being accused of things I haven’t done, and seeing him going from being madly in love to mad at me.
Hmmmmmm….interesting! Read 1 Corinthians 6: 8-10; Revelation 21: 7-8; Matthew 7:21-23.
Hi Shane, I really appreciate your honesty and your willingness to recognize your part in the broken relationships. Can I share with you the story of some other honest people and how they found out how to have loving relationship? Have a look at http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/the-parks. Let me know what you think.
“I struggle with this. I’m not good at trusting or unconditional love. I don’t really know how to act in these situations and I am constantly destroying relationships with women that truly love me because after a certain point in the relationship I go negative and start looking for what’s going to mess everything up. No reason to give a lot of details but I’ve been married twice not faithful in either one and I desperately want to change more than you can imagine. My one failure in life is loving relationships. I can’t get it.”
Mate, you know what? I had a bird once (about 5 days ago but if I let it it can become 5 years ago), who we parted the ways. Listen man do not ignore this energy you feeling in the surrounds around you all the time. You know why I do not want you to ignore this energy? Because I personally am relying on it too. I will see you out in the lagoon.
I struggle with this. I’m not good at trusting or unconditional love. I don’t really know how to act in these situations and I am constantly destroying relationships with women that truly love me because after a certain point in the relationship I go negative and start looking for what’s going to mess everything up. No reason to give a lot of details but I’ve been married twice not faithful in either one and I desperately want to change more than you can imagine. My one failure in life is loving relationships. I can’t get it.
Hi Val, I understand that the wrath of God can be a difficult aspect of His nature to understand in light of His love and mercy. The two never cancel each other out but are aspect of who He is. The verses you are referring to are addressed to the people of Judah and Jerusalem who were engaged in religious rituals that were aberrations of the proper worship that God inspires. They were sacrificing their children to pagan gods like Molech. God said that He would have never required such actions or rituals and were an abomination to Him.
However, as FIFI points out, when people turn their back on God the ultimate consequence is eternal separation from God in Hell. Jesus told of how at the Great Judgement He will send those who have turned their backs on Him by not serving the needs of the poor, the needy and the marginalized that they will be condemned to “the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41) In another place Jesus warned of the terrible suffering that awaits those who choose to continue in rebellion against God for they will “be cast into hell, where THEIR WORM DOES NOT DIE, AND THE FIRE IS NOT QUENCHED.” (Mark 9:47-48)
The link you posted quotes 1John 4:8 which says “God is love.” It is because of His love that He sent Jesus His Son to us to warn us against our rebellion against Him and to die to pay the penalty for our life of sin and rebellion. If there were no Hell then why would Jesus have had to die?
The Good News is that we do not have to face an eternity of separation from God because of our rebellion against Him. Jesus has taken our punishment for that rebellion on Himself so that we could be set free. But if someone does not want to receive that free gift of forgiveness they will face the consequences and be sentenced to the fires of hell.
you are right val, God will never allow people to go to hell for sins, (plural), for they are already be taken care of by the sacrifice of Jesus; but make no mistakes about this honey, they will go straight to hell for the rejection of Jesus, (worst sin – singular)
God will not put any child created in his image no matter what their sins into a hell fire. It never entered God’s heart or mind to ever do such a thing Jer 7:31, Jer 19:5.
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Hi Ashton, When I read your comment the one that struck me was “I just hope that someday..my spouse will come and do something that will remove the bitterness.” I can understand where you’re coming from, but for me, I’ve never seen a situation where another person was able to remove an emotion from MY heart. It sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort into a genuine pursuit of philosophies and understanding. I think that’s really admirable. Have your studies given you a perspective on the idea of grace? I ask because in my own life my ability to forgive comes from knowing that God forgave me first. I learn the act of forgiveness by seeing it in action first. I don’t know how I would forgive without that.
A good friend of mine likes to remind me that I am not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings or actions. The reverse of that is also true – no one, not even your husband – is responsible for your feelings. If you’re dealing with bitterness the solution to that bitterness is not going to come from him. Even if you woke up tomorrow morning and he had transformed into the superhero of all husbands with completely flawless actions and responses in all circumstances, that alone would not remove bitterness from your heart. It would change his behaviour but it would be on you to change your response.
I absolutely believe that change is possible, but in my own life I have only found that last change through a relationship with God. I believe that it is him at work in my life, in my heart, that softens the harsher parts of my heart and teaches me how to love. I don’t think that I have the strength to be better all on my own, but God gives me that strength laced with a good dose of forgiveness and teaches me how to live better.
Bitterness is hard emotion to live with – it’s like sour milk you can’t mask the taste of it. Bitterness will leech out into all the corners until all of your experiences are seen through a bitter lens. You said that you were waiting for change, waiting for someone else to act. What would happen if you acted first instead? You’re staying, which is already a good and admirable act. But are you staying waiting for someone else to make the first move? Does your husband know what it is you’re hoping he’ll do?
There’s an article here that talks about God and love and forgiveness that you might find interesting. Bitterness is like a dandelion, the root goes deep and it can be hard to eradicate. What would it look like if you asked God to help?