Rebuilding Trust
Has your trust been broken? Talk to a mentor today.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.
What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love.
There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another person’s character, needs, motivations and fears.
Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone — generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty.
Unconditional love is patient and kind
It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability.
You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship.
Take a look at yourself as well
You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect.
Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment.
The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another.
The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.
Neel, when you pray, start with as Christ explains how to pray in matthew 5 or 6 in the famous Temple Mount speech. You say, “Dear God, the creator of the universe, the mast of the universe” and then start talk to Him. He will give you anything you ask for. He has given me everything I ever asked for. I don’t pray much to him either, cause I don’t like ask him. But always he has answered and delivered to me every time. But I am a pretty good guy man, I have done alot of good and my mind is pure and clean. Maybe he doesn’t pay you if you are a bad person. I don’t know. I just know He has always answered all my prayers.
Jake
You are welcome Tina, all the best and I pray for the best for you.
God bless
@FiFi — Thank you so much for your reply. :) It makes absolute sense.
Dear Neel,
You are perfectly within your right not to pray as Christ Jesus who is all together lovely, says the bible, is a gentleman; he will not force you to pray. However, our decisions not to pray or lean, trust and pour out our heart towards God, does us an injustice. God would never tell us to pray if it does not benefit us. What you need to understand dear, is that there was a time, only the High Priest could enter the Holy of Holies to commune with God while the rest had no access, but Christ selfless passionate sacrifice made it possible for any tom dick or harry to enter and cry out to God, to worship him, to adore him, to complain; and this access is 24/7 and “those that come to Christ, he will not cast away. He loves you, end of.
You can try and solve it your way to try and regain her trust, but with God, it would be better If you truly repent to her, she will see it and in time, gain your trust when she sees your action prove that you have changed. We women like evidence u see. Hope this helps.
All the best. God bless
Dear Tina, I read your post and in answer to your question, “Can a friendship be rebuilt from trust that has been damaged?” I believe it solely depends on every individual. We are all different and have dissimilar views and temperament.
Christ was loving but wise, he never trusted Judas, the traitor but he did not hate him and loved him. He was with the 12 disciples, the 4 but was very close to three. He knew who he could trust. The three was closest to him. Be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove Christ said. Trust can be broken and rebuild, depending on both parties. We must also go by our discernment; what’s on the inside of us, our intuition if thy will. It’s a gift from God not to be snubbed.
For me personally, if a person truly repents and I see or discern that person understood what they had done to cause me to distrust them and am genuinely sorry. I will forgive no matter what, (cuz we all make mistakes) sometimes that forgiveness from me, may take a lot longer, depending. However, if I see or if I have evidence that the individual that wronged me have not repented or is indifferent to the outcome of their defence, I can forgive but not trust cuz I have an obligation to take care of me. As God said, love thy neighbour as thy self. God did not say, love thy neighbour and to hell with thy self lol. So, we must work that out for ourselves.
Hope that helps.
God bless
Hi,
About three years ago, I tried dating a guy whom I’ve known for a very long time. We dated for about 6 months and things fell completely apart. The reason – he was not over his past relationship. I was so angry with him because he misled me into believing that the relationship was over and he was available. Since the nasty fallout, he has apologized to me for his behavior.
Over the past couple of years, we have not seen one another but communicated almost daily via text messaging only — nothing sexual, just pleasantries.
The reason for the post is because I strongly feel that he is remorseful for the fallout but I am uncertain if I want a friendship let alone a relationship with him due to the trust that was damaged. Can a friendship be rebuilt from trust that has been damaged?
@Neel we all are bad people the only difference between you and I is I have asked Christ for forgiveness for my failures. It is arrogant to think that you are beyond asking for forgiveness as often it is because we don’t want to let go of the past hurts. I have been betrayed by relationships many times however it was not until I decided to give myself over fully to Christ and began to pray and ask Christ to change my heart that I was able to allow myself to trust others.
I respect that you feel you have failed too many times however this might very well be an excuse for you to not allow Christ to forgive you and to help you grow as a man. It is impossible for you to rebuild the trust without praying to Christ to forgive you and ask for strength to show your love through actions and not words. I would suggest that you contact an online mentor to discuss further. God Bless
i respect the fact that u ppl have so much faith and devotion for god….but i do not pray….guess dat makes me a bad person….but i have my reasons.So my girlfrend doesnt trust me anymore even though she still loves me.I have lied to her and screwd things up.Do u think there is hope of regaining trust without the prayer and everything?
dear joy prayer–father God i pray for joy for this relationship with this man i pray a healing for the mistrust i pray for this man for forgiveness and reconcilation if this is what you are willing God you know her hearts desire for this man i pray all of this in JESUS name amen i am praying for you
I am the one who is no longer trusted. I met a man and we were together for 3 years. I kept telling him that we could be a couple but each time I stepped back from my commitment while all the while he was totally committed to me. I never went out with anyone else but I moved away because I was afraid of a relationship. Now I regret that and want him back. He has moved on and met some one else but he still says he loves me but is afraid of getting hurt again. Your comments made me realize that he does forgive me but his trust in me will take a longer time. I am going for therapy and pray that with time and a change in me we can rekindle what we had. I have always had trouble with telling the truth and never realized how lies can really hurt someone and cause a lack of trust. I am feeling the pain of my behavior and know that this is what I must endure to get healed from dishonesty. My distrustful ways were not vicious but caused by fear of the reactions of others to my choices. Pray for me please and thank you so much for this web site.
Hi Jake, thanks for the reply!
Hi Natalie,
Thank you for the wonderful encouragement! It is never me that deserves the credit, but our Lord who so freely gives of Himself – it is His wisdom, His compassion, His affection and His sureness that instills it into us.
Therefore, whenever we say ‘all I can do is pray and hope’ we should not be downcast or anxious, we are praying to the God who stops at nothing to express His perfect love and hoping in the God who has shown Himself to be committed to our good. The Christian hope is not something we have to resign ourselves to, as in, “All I can do is hope in God” which sounds like “I’m so sad.” God is GOOD, He is FAITHFUL, His promises are TRUE, our hope in Him is never in vain, we must let our hearts and mouths sing and rejoice, “I hope in God, hallelujah, praise His holy name!!!”
What do you see as the difference between pure chance, and hoping in God, who is sure, firm, unchanging, the solid rock beneath our feet, our refuge, our stronghold, our defender, the lifter of our heads and the one who is love, who never, never fails?
God is so, so pleased with you for speaking the truth and repenting. God is pleased with you that you are willing to persevere, rather than seek the most immediate relief. God is pleased with you that you are trusting Him, even when circumstances are bad or even getting worse. God is pleased with you that you are living by FAITH, as you said you are not sure if your marriage will recover, but you are proceeding based on God’s goodness and mercy, and He is a rewarder of those who proceed by faith. Your faith honours God, it shows humility, and He cares more about your husband’s heart than any of us put together, so your yearning for His help will not go unanswered… it just won’t unfold in the way that you probably think is best :) Trust Him anyway, and as you do, you’ll be transformed.
Write back anytime! I will continue to pray for you both.
Kate
Hi Kate,
Yes that makes sense.
Kate, you sound a very wise lady, i have read you replies and I personally have taken some relief and calmness from them, I found this site by pure chance at a very awful time for my husband & I, as I had admitted I had been lying to him about financial matters the whole 11 years of our marriage. Sadly things are still hard and I am not sure if we will recover, all I can do is pray to Jesus & god that they’ll help us through,I’ve even asked for an angel to help lift my husbands heart as he is do depressed. But thank you Kate your words have helped me too x x
Alfred,
I can’t help but think that when God said “Your marriage is dead” that was only half the sentence. Of course, I don’t know and my faith is in Him to make Himself clear to those who seek Him.
What I see, however, when I look at the cross, which is what we know for certain about our awesome God, is that DEAD doesn’t mean DONE. It means surrender to the God whose LOVE and MERCY are sufficient to RESURRECT whatever is beyond hope. Like the disciples in the days after Jesus died, they probably prayed to God to help them let go, they probably prayed to God to be released from their commitment to Jesus — who by all reports was definitely not the messiah, how can the messiah die?? — they too probably thought to themselves, “Now I can ask God what my next step aught to be, and now I am free to go forward without the worries of a messiah that did not last.” BUT GOD didn’t want them to pick themselves up and seek a new path…….. He wanted them to WAIT in FAITH to see what HIS RESURRECTION POWER would and did bring about.
That is my two cents’ worth, because in all my time with the Lord, I have never, never once seen Him give up, walk away, say it’s too late, it’s beyond hope, it’s out of my hands, I can’t make a difference, I can’t wait anymore, the circumstance are just too unbearable……. and we are being shaped to His image. Holy, holy, holy is He, the Lord GOD ALMIGHTY, who loves the other, no matter the cost to Himself.
Many blessings to you and your friend, and I will continue to pray for his marriage and his wife in Jesus’ name.
Kate
Hi Jake,
I was right there with you on the camera metaphor, up UNTIL the point when you said: “With a real camera normally the owner would buy a new one. But with the soul you can not buy a new one and so you live with that scratch in the vision of all your views for the rest of your life.” or “But damage the internal lenses or mirrors and then you may as well throw that camera away.”
God is great, and He is good…… and the testimony of the Bible, of the life of Jesus Christ, and the millions of people who have called themselves by His name (Christians), is that GOD CAN MAKE ALL THINGS NEW. We don’t become worthless or throwaways when we are damaged, we become broken vessels aware of our need for God’s salvation which He grants freely, and then takes our brokenness aside and makes it beautiful! He shapes us and reforms us, refines us…. He doesn’t replace us, we are still US, but we are new in Christ, reborn and now that much more able to identify with the sorrows and sufferings of our fellow humans, as Jesus Himself is not a stranger to sorrow and suffering, but bears our burdens for us.
This is the good news of Jesus Christ, not that there is some disembodied realm called heaven, but that God is making ALL THINGS NEW. Jesus is the first-fruit, the first-born, the SIGN of what God’s plan is for each and every one of us, and the moment I received my salvation from God, I was immediately born again, made new, made whole… and now I get to enjoy the unfolding of that wondrous miracle day in and day out.
Any of that making sense?
Kate
Love is when you open up your camera and trust another inside not to scratch any of the surfaces. If they do scratch anything then it is betrayal. The scratched surface will leave a memory of itself on every image the mind ever sees delivered to it from the eyes from that day on for the rest of its life. With a real camera normally the owner would buy a new one. But with the soul you can not buy a new one and so you live with that scratch in the vision of all your views for the rest of your life.
Falling in love with someone, and then giving them that love to enjoy, to explore, to sense, is really exactly like opening up a camera’s internal lenses and mirrors which are normally protect from the outside world and all its dust, and allowing the person to look around inside them, be close to them, and you trust they will not damage them. When you are betrayed by this person, as in they scratch one of the internal lenses, then this scratch will forever more be in every photo that camera ever takes from then on. This is why being betrayed in love hurts so much – Because you will always see it forever more, in everything you see in the world, everything of which must pass through those lenses and mirrors. A mark on the surface of the outside lenses can be wiped off, can be cheaply replaced – it was designed to be replaced. But damage the internal lenses or mirrors and then you may as well throw that camera away.
In front of me is a card that pictures a fallen dead tree. It comes from a dear friend, who wrote that he went on a quiet week-end outing to ask God about his marriage. He was sitting on a dead tree like the one on this card, when God told him “Your marriage is dead”! He had suspected it for a year or so, but now needed to decide “how to let go.” (I am weeping as I write this!) He prayed that God release him from his marriage vows of 14 years ago. God did so, and now he feels free and ready to seek God’s plan for the future. He also quoted Jeremiah 29:11-14, as you did, Jer. Jake, this is a response to your words also. My heart feels broken with you, and yet, as my friend on that dead tree said, “Now I can ask God what my next step aught to be, and now I am free to go forward without the worries of a marriage that did not last.”
We need to leave it up to God to deal with the ex-spouce, pick ourselves up and seek new paths. God has answers; may he bless each of you in a special way! Prayerfully yours, Alfred.
“He was a controlling man who criticized and emotionally abused me to make himself feel superior. Nothing I did ever satisfied him, and when he looked at me, I could see the look of contempt and disappointment in his eyes. I never felt more unloved and worthless than I did when I was with him.”"
My serious girlfriend of two years I just left her was like that. I would not have had a problem with her criticism had she at the end of the day been faithful to me. But in these times that she felt like putting me down and telling me I was not a man but a boy, well likely she would also start up a new affair or go and sleep with someone else….Of course, I don’t know how many times she did that but I caught her out about two times, and then even forgave her (almost impossibly) and yet even my forgiveness just made her have more contempt for me.
I think you made the right decision and also I think I made the right decision and I decided that I am not going to worry about trusting anyone again, I will do my work and trust in our god, Jehovah thanking him everyday I am alive and my family is well and for protecting me from tragedy and accidents so far…
I really loved that girl so much but that was in the end eating into my spirit and I was in denial about how much it was starting to break me tolerating it.
Celeste,
Greetings, I’ve dealt with trust issues most of my life until this past year. I dealt with emotional abuse during my childhood and my wife left me after 6 years together last year and it didn’t help.
I had to learn to trust in God that he had a plan for my life
Jeremiah 29:11-14
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Heavenly Father I pray that you search Celeste’s heart and soul and reveal your path for her and reveal anything you wish to be renewed. Amen
God bless and let us know how you’re doing!
Jer
I have trust issues that I am working through. I thought it would be easier after the divorce, because I wouldn’t be with him everyday, but it has been difficult.
My now ex-husband was the first serious relationship I’d ever had with a man. We knew eachother 3 years before we got married, and really got to know eachothers families as well.
Looking back there were little red flags that I dismissed. When we were planning the wedding, I blew off his outbursts as stress.
Things were OK for about 3 years until after our son was born…then the change in him began.
It started out with him not being emotionally supportive of me and my struggle with postpartum depression. My depression stayed with me when I returned to work full time.
There is not enough space here to tell my story.
I finally had to admit to myself that the problem was not mine, but my husband’s. He is an angry, controlling man who criticized and emotionally abused me to make himself feel superior. Nothing I did ever satisfied him, and when he looked at me, I could see the look of contempt and disappointment in his eyes. I never felt more unloved and worthless than I did when I was with him.
sasha, Can see and feel the frustration you are having in your heart over this matter and relationship. I think you are answering this yourself in how you are not finding you can “trust” this person for all he has done to you.”True love casts out fears”and maybe he will or will not hurt you again, but if you cannot find you trust him, this is not maybe the love you would want to continue in forever? People can change, yet he has done this to you many times before. Honesty is most important and if you need to be afraid to be honest with him do you think this is really true love? If you read 1 Corinthians Ch 13 it speaks deeply about what Love truly is and is not. It might help you to sort this out a little better?
Hi everyone.I have a rough time with trust.it is my first serious relationship and I never thought I could love someone this way.I don’t know how to trust him and I blame myself for falling in love woth someone who is not a. Christian.he has cheated on $e over the pgone with about four different women from his past.always he sent them messages about having sex with them.it tore me apart so badly that I got so drunk one night and ended up in the hospital.It makes me so confused because it makes me feel as if I am. Not good enough for him.I also do not like the person this has made me become.I snoop in his stuff,read his emails,his messages,anything to c what he is doing. It is doing this that I have discovered his cheating.the last time it happened was months ago and I was so devastated but decided to leave.then I made him convince me to stay.I have stayed but I have not learnt how to trust him again.I want to but I don’t know how to.every opportunity I get I search his stuff and now I sent a message to a number I saw texting him in his phonr pretending to be him.only to find out it is a co worker and not what I had thought. Now I feel so awful for invading his privacy aNd doing something like this.things have been good for months now and I am afraid that with my insecurities and lack of forgiveness I have ruined everything. I don’t know what to do.I want to trust him. I have noticed a change in him but I live with tje fear everyday of being hurt by him again. I want to learn to trust him.I don’t want to go through his things anymore.I want to have a honest open relationship with him.
Faith, Glad that the article was of help. Have you had problems in the past that would cause you to have trust issues now? Sometimes, when people have been hurt in the past by others ‘trust issues’ can then rollover into new relationships.
i have been having trust issues,all along i thought it was the other party and not really me,after all i had trusted them wholeheartedly in the beginning. this message has come in at the right time,i pray God teaches me to trust.
Hi Joanne, I am so glad you were able to share your story here. When you say that God forgave you, what do you mean? In what ways has He forgiven you? How do you know that He has forgiven you? I don’t ask because I doubt God’s forgiveness for you but I am just curious about how you understand God’s forgiveness in your life.
Hey Joanne,
Do you know the Russian novel by Tolstoy called Anna Kerenina?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Karenina#Plot_introduction
She destroyed her life with anxiety because she did not throw herself with trust at the one she loved, or at fate, and in trusting in life, just blindly sometimes he need to Trust and that is where we put in God right?
Its a classic film so my statement about it is probably all inciteful.
But I just saw the film of it yesterday and your situation reminds me of the ending. You can gain from seeing the film. It has Christopher Reeve in it, its a tragedy so is good warning on what NOT to do.
Hi my name is joanne ,and in my previos i was married to a guy we were together for 20 years and you can say we went threw allot of things together and i always forgave him but the only one thing that i couldnt forgive was betray but i belive that he loved me so much and you can say he did everything to me that he would never betray me ,as i belive if another person comes in our life that means that something is really wrong between us ,i loved him and he meant the world to me i trusted him with my eyes close but love to keep it strong we need to work hard on it and that what we didnt do in the end so i walked out from my marriage as i had enough but the truth i was having strong feeling for someone else so i left my husband as i am not that person to betray someone as soon my sory camed out i got to know that in our realanship there where other women and all hell broke loose i lost everything but most of all i lost my self ,my husband asked for fogivness and i didnt i was stuburn angry and hurt ,now its been 2 years that we are seperated and he went his way and myself i found a good guy but my problem is trust and seeing this sight made my hurt crowl as god forgave me but am not ready to forgive myself as in reality i lost the person i was …i have fears and my mind is always thinking for the worst so i pray that god will give me strenght to forgive myself and forgive all the bad things that was done to me and to help me with trusting this wounderfull guy that god gave me in my life ….please help me
Hello All,
I wanted to give you a quick update, we have good days & bad, today hasn’t been good, my husband has alot of anger and sadness, as he had just thought things over a lot. I’ve asked him to see a councilor but he won’t, he says he wants to sort this out himself,I did even say Clair about the environment being a good place but currently he is refusing. I just keep praying to Jesus our Lord & to God the father to help us, help me find forgiveness in myself and for my husband to do so also. I ask that the dear kind people on here keep praying for us too. I know I did wrong and have repented for this, and truly now wish to make a better future for me, my husband & children. Why do we only come to these realisations when it seems too late :-(
Her I would like to thank you for your words & prayers they have given me strength through some hard days x
Hi Nat, Your comment about the original conflict between Satan and God is simply incorrect. It wasn’t that Satan wanted to give man choice – God had already done that. If He wanted to remove choice He could have simply not had a tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the garden at all. The conflict between Satan and God was that Satan wanted to be equal with God. That’s why he was cast out of Heaven. And when he comes to Eve in the garden he tells her the same lie “You can be equal with God. You SHOULD be equal with God.” He tells her that when she eats the fruit she will become like God. (Gen 3:5)
Nat, the devil wants us to not have children. The devil wants to usher us into ‘smart cities’, as we usher in the cattle. The original conflict with Satan and Jehovah was that the devil thought man should have CHOICE.
As you chose yes? And you know that the lying you did was wrong yes? And look what the lying rewarded you with.
That was my statement the same, written differently.
Those who unite under the goodness as it is well defined to be in the Bible, those of us who can unite under those guidances (not Laws as we have a CHOICE) will harvest from this life on earth. Those who don’t, will perish.
Natalie,
I first want to pray for you and your family if you don’t mind.
Heavenly Father I ask you to lift up your dear child Natalie and show her the triumph and victory in her admission and repentance of sin. Father we ask you to show her that with you in her heart she is not evil and not of this world but set apart and a new creation. Show her that her old self died and is reborn in and with you father.
We ask you to soften her husbands heart and show him he made a covenant with you and his wife to stay through the good and bad times and that in your name any thing is possible (Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”) and that you said Lord
11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
Natalie, we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of and all of have sinned in one form or another. To God all sin is equal and bad and Jesus died for all of them equally and for all of us equally. The first step was to seek God and walk in his will, I truly believe that Jesus wants you to forgive yourself first. We often times try to punish ourselves for our wrong doings however Jesus already bore that punishment and if we take it in our hands we negate his plan and purpose for dying on the cross. So start with forgiveness.
We all hope to hear how things are going please keep us informed! God bless you all.
Jer
Dear Claire, thank you hor your kind words they have helped me a lot. My husband and I have done dome soul searching this last few days and I am pleased to say it looks as thought we are going to get through this.
I thank god for your words and love, and thank Him for helping my husband and I.
One amazing thing happened this week,one day when taking my daughter to school, when I came back there was a purple pink flower(the colours of healing) in the basket of my babies stroller, and I walk no where near gardens with these kinda flowers at all so can’t help but think the Angels were helping me and saying we are here for you x X
Jake I would like to thank you for your words, but I cannot as they bought me nothing but confusion. alll I can say is I hope you find peace with yourself & the world one day
Hi Nat, in a world of today it is very difficult to trust anyone and this can actually be a very advantageous thing as the whole gentile world is in distrustful turmoil and unable to organise productively with other people and with community because so many people are faithless and are just waiting for a big opportunity to betray someone and run with the loot. You might think that you have built a trusting relationship with someone but in fact they were just waiting for a better opportunity to run with a bigger loot than the loots you have so far seen them act honestly with.
So, when a husband and wife are truly trustworthy with each other then they are a very powerful item indeed as two people organising together is 4 times more productive than one person organising alone.
I can understand if your husband leaves you, sorry.
Hello Natalie, It sounds like you’re in a very stressful situation. Take heart – you’ve already done the hardest part. You told the truth. You’ve admitted what you did wrong and now you can begin the process of putting things right. One of the best things you can do right now is to find a marriage counsellor and ask your husband to come to counselling with you. Trust CAN be rebuilt, it’s not a fast process but if you’re both committed to seeing this through your marriage can survive it.
Be prepared that your husband may need to set some rules in place around finances until he feels that he can trust you again. Those rules might not feel very good, but understand that until he can trust you he needs rules that he can trust. It’s a bit like putting a cast on a broken bone, there needs to be extra support until the bone is enough to hold up your arm on its own. Understand that your husband is very hurt. Depending on how bad things got with finances he might also be afraid, or he might feel frustrated that the work he has done has been undermined. Counselling is an excellent and safe place to work through all those feelings.
Don’t give up. You can’t go back and undo what you’ve already done, but you can build a different future.
Hello, I’ve done something terrible, I’ve constantly lied to my husband about money and spending my entire married life (nearly 11years), I have only just realised what a selfish, evil woman I have been. My husband may leave me as he says he doesn’t know how our marriage can survive a huge balance shift like this. I’ve found my way back to Jesus, but need help on what to do now, I don’t want to loose my husband and have told him this. I feel I was pointed to you by a higher power x
Dear Sophia,
It is wonderful when God lines us up with the right resources just when we need it the most. This article was meant to be found by you in an effort to aid and comfort you through the issue you are dealing with. It shed light into an area of gloom that you have been experiencing. Relationships could be very hard and complex when there is a lack of trust and communication between the two individuals. So long as you confess your sin to God and ask the other person to forgive you for your wrongdoing, you need not carry a loud of guilt and shame. We all make mistakes and as we go through life, we learn from such so we can avoid making the same error repeatedly. Please know that no matter what age (young/old) we all are continuously maturing in the ways of the Lord. Do you have a pastor or a mature woman in your life that you can talk to about this issue?
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God, I ask that your Holy Spirit would comfort and encourage Sophia through this difficult time of her life. As she continues in her journey, I ask that Your Word and Spirit aid her in all her doings. I pray that You would bring others along her pathway that will help and mentor her into becoming the mature, lovely, truthful woman You are calling her to. I ask that You set her free from all guilt and shame that she is carrying within her heart, mind, and soul. May you heal her broken heart and give her Your peace and joy to move onwards into the wonderful plans and future You have for her. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Dear Sophia,
I am glad that you have found this article to be so helpful. In your difficult situation I can see how the truth of forgiveness would be really refreshing to you. Do you want another scripture on forgiveness or being whole? In Romans 8:1 and 2 the Apostle Paul writes that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. No matter what you have done. No matter what kind of lie you have told even amidst the relational damage it has caused–there is always forgiveness available to you at the foot of the cross. This is why the gospel is called “good news”– because it really is. When we as humans can’t change our past or what we have done, Jesus just takes our hands in His and says “It is done”. He just washed it away with water (baptism) and then He washes the sin away with His sacrifice (His blood). May I pray for you today? Father in heaven, I thank-you for your beautiful daughter Sophia. Thank-you that you are drawing her to yourself, that you are speaking to her tenderly and telling her that ALL her sins are forgiven. Thank-you for sending your Son Jesus so that Sophia as well as anyone else who calls upon your name can be whole. Lord, I pray that you would lift Sophia up and give her your peace and grace as she is working through her relationship with her boyfriend. Lord, you know their hearts and I pray that you would heal the relationship and bring reconciliation through the blood of your Son Jesus. Lord, thank-you that you are good and compassionate and that you are slow to anger (Psalm 103) and that you are not angry at Sophia. Father, I pray for a fresh filling of your Spirit to fill Sophia and to lead her into all truth. Thank-you for your tender mercies and that you promise to restore all things to those who love you. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
(PS: Sophia did you know that in the Greek language your name means “wisdom”? It is your name’s sake to walk in the paths of wisdom–to know God and walk in close relationship with Him. I just thought I would tell you that in case you didn’t know!) God bless you.
Hello,
I have found this article to be so helpful and I am glad that I found it. I have hurt my boyfriend by lying to him and now I have been having a hard time forgiving myself. I have even started finding myself blaming him for my inablity to talk to him about hard issues. I have damaged our relationship so much that it is pretty much over. I really appreciate this article and the scriptures included in it because they have blessed me. I hope to continue to mature as a young woman and become just as the Bible encourages me to be because lately things have been very difficult.
Tracy, I am impressed by your honesty and humility. Not many people are so willing to take responsibility for their poor choices like you are. Your honest, self-awareness will be an important part of rebuilding this woman’s trust. Can I suggest you journal these words and confessions of yours someplace? I expect there will be days that you will be tempted to pass the blame and give yourself excuses and you will need these words to remind you of the truth.
You mentioned that she is not a Christian woman. Can I assume from that statement that you are a follower of Jesus? That is also something that is in your favor because Jesus is the one who will be able to help you make the changes in your life so that will give you the strength to not fall into this kind of temptation again. Jesus said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2Corinthians 12:9) You see, when I realize that I am incapable of doing the right thing I am more likely to look to Jesus for His help. So that’s why Paul said that he gladly embraces his own inability so that Jesus Christ’s power becomes more and more what he relies on for life transformation.
I just did a horrible thing, I betrayed the trust of the woman I love, it was a huge mistake and because of it I may have lost the best woman to ever be in my life, I have laid myself at her mercy and hope and pray that she will be willing and able to forgive me so I can earn her trust back, I was wrong in everyway, I have had all day to think about things. I know what I want and what is important to me and it is this woman. I was afraid to face the consequences for my actions, now I am ready to deal with whatever lays ahead of me with her and I. She is not a christian woman and has had a life of disappointments now including me. Forgiveness is key but she said I would never be forgiven, I hope these words were spoken out of anger and not of hate. Only god knows and time will tell, right now I need to focus on gaining that trust back and ask her for forgiveness, I love her deeply and know what I did caused hurt and pain, I cannot take that back I can only hope that she will be receptive to my apology and have faith in the changes I will and need to make. I am not perfect, but I will be better for the two of us and show her what it is she truly means to me that we repair the relationship we once had together.
Whitney,
What a wonderful truth, and an important one to know. He is a forgiving God, a loving God, and a comforting God. He won’t ever let us down. When we turn to Him and believe and trust that He will help and save us from the pain, etc. in our lives, we can be confident that we are always in His loving, caring Hands. Praise the Lord!
Dear Whitney, Glad that you found this article to be of help. It sounds like you are in a great deal of pain from the betrayal you have mentioned. It is so much easier to put on those ‘pretend’ faces than to deal with the true inner hurts we are feeling. It is important for you to open up and begin to heal from the wrongs that have been committed against you. Are you seeing anyone in regards to overcoming this wrong? If you need someone to encourage you along through this healing and forgiveness process, we have private online Mentors that are available of no charge. Just click on this mentor link and fill out the request and some will connect with you. http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/
Whitney, I would like to pray for you now:
Heavenly Father, I pray for you to begin a healing process within Whitney’s heart. She is feeling so lost and wounded by the betrayal done to her by the person she dearly loves. You are a God of forgiveness and healing and I ask that Your Spirit will move in Whitney’s heart as she begins to open up and go through this restoration process. I ask for Your peace to enter her mind, body and spirit so she can be set free from the hurt and pain she is currently dealing with. Your Word states, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” I pray that this JOY come into Whitney’s inner life so she can carry on living the blessed life You have waiting for her. I ask that You bring the right people into her life that she feels comfortable in opening up to in dealing with this pain. In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Whitney, hope to hear back from you with a praise report and testimony that may help others in their time of need. Beleive and profess that God is a God that loves to restore that which is crushed and broken. He came to heal the broken hearted and that includes you, Whitney.
Hi Whitney, I wonder if part of what is making it harder is the feeling that you need to “pretend everything is okay again”. When you are betrayed, things are not okay. They can sometimes get back to a place where things are okay again, but it takes time and there are some cases where it’s not possible, even if you forgive the person. There’s a great article by this same author called “Does Forgiveness = No Consequences?” that you might find helpful. In it she talks about how sometimes even though you’ve forgiven a person who wronged you there are still boundaries that need to be reset until that trust is earned back.
When you forgive someone, that forgiveness happens in a moment, but trust does not ride along with it. Trust takes time. When we’re betrayed we need to see a change in behaviour, a change in attitude and a change in habits. If you still love the person then that’s an incredible strength to draw on but you can’t rush the work of rebuilding trust. That takes time. It’s very hard to be a relationship with someone when you don’t feel safe. Having a few new rules for a time can help create that security and let trust heal.
For example, I know of a woman who’s husband had an affair. They choose to stay in the marriage but there were new rules. He always told her where he was going and with whom. He agreed that she could call him at any time to check in with him and he would make sure he always had his cellphone with him and turned on. Under usual circumstances, she would not have needed that, but with her trust broken she needed to know that he was not hiding things and those calls throughout the day reassured her. In time she found she did not need them anymore, she could trust him again.
I don’t know what kind of betrayal you have faced, but I’d encourage to take some time to think about what it would take to make you feel safe again. Once you have that list see if these are things the person who betrayed you could actually do or work towards. That can be a good guide to help you reset the boundaries.
As somebody who was wronged by someone I still love this article hit home. It’s so hard to muddle through the betrayal and pretend everything is ok again. I feel lost. Spiritually, personally, religiously…I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. It helps to remember that we are all born in sin and we are all fallible and imperfect and that we make mistakes and to think about my Lord and how forgiving he can be, thank you.
I agree with you Joe, ‘Wow’ indeed! :-) You are so right that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!
Wow amongst not only the article but the comments. If it wasn’t for Christ and my faith I personally as well would not have made it through my own anguish of divorce and infidelity. Favorite verse – you can do all things through Crhist which strengthen you.
:) That is so wonderful Jake! It makes me feel good to know that you will have a brighter future, my dear brother in Christ! The most wonderful thing about being Christians, is we can walk together and bear one anothers burdens together. I like to see you happy. You need something lovely to happen to you Jake!
I did feel something different today Sherry, thanks. Felt like I can look into the future without that Ex in the picture.