Save Your Marriage from Drifting
They were good people. They had made it known that divorce was not an option for them. Yet here they were, going their separate ways and leaving a path of confusion and chaos behind them.
There was no love affair to blame, no abuse that had been hidden. Just a slow erosion, a drifting apart, a building of resentments until one felt there was nothing left. Broken hearts. Broken people. Broken home.
Divorce certainly is an option these days. The courts are filled with those who once never expected it could happen to them. The resulting damage in lives, children, extended family, in finances and self-esteem is creating havoc in our culture. Maybe you have entertained the “D” word yourself or even said it out loud. Yet before you set your foot on such a costly path, consider another “D” word which could be at work in your relationship – drift
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Drift happens
Busyness and the demands of work and family can leave a couple though once deeply in love, passing like roommates in the hall, drifting away from one another and from home. Steps can be taken to ward off drift or pull the relationship back when drift has happened.
Ask yourself if your relationship has drifted. There are ways to anchor your marriage securely and to soften hardening hearts so your marriage can be an enjoyment and even a treasure. Naming drift when you see it is the first step. Choosing to do something about it is next. The important thing is to know that DRIFT happens and you can overcome it.
D – Do things together
- Make time together. “History together is built one event at a time.” In order to grow together you must spend time together. If your schedules are taking you in different directions with little time to experience life together then stop! Shift togetherness to a new priority. Run errands together, go for lunch, plan a date night. It can be simple but be intentional about stopping the drift before it happens.
- Eat together. Have at least one meal together daily. Get up 15 minutes early to have coffee/prepare dinner together. But you need to plan – it won’t just happen. Don’t eat all your meals together in front of the TV.
- Limit technology. When you do have an evening at home together, set a time to turn off all electronics and visit. Make tea, or have a glass of wine and just be together.
R – Romance one another
- Choose to be in love.Remember that this is the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Choose to love this person deeply. Choose to be in love. Just as you can choose to focus on the negative you can also choose to focus on the positive. Let loving-kindness be a daily goal. It’s your choice.
- Make love-making a priority. The sexual bond is much more than just a physical connection. It is a bonding of two souls. It’s glue in a good marriage. It is meant to be fun, fulfilling and frequent. If this is an area of tension in your marriage then get some help. Past sexual experiences including those of abuse or promiscuity will bring their own baggage into your marriage. Keep porn out! Plan intimate times.
- Attention, affection, appreciation. This greatest sex advice ever given is to make it a priority to give your partner genuine attention, affection and appreciation. You will be amazed at how these three things will impact what happens not only in general but also in the bedroom.
- Touch. Give lots of non-sexual touching too. When a relationship becomes strained all touching often stops. A hand on the arm, a quiet taking of the other’s hand, a kiss on the forehead can help melt tension and show you care.
I – Invest in one another
- Get away together. Whether it’s for an evening, a weekend, or a holiday, save time and resources to make “get-aways” a reality. Give yourselves the gift of couple time to focus on each other in a special way that day to day doesn’t allow.
- Pursue each other. Keep courting each other. If the pursuit of each other’s heart has long gone by the wayside begin again to find small creative ways to say, “I want to be with you”. Recall things from your dating days; go for a picnic, even start with an evening walk. Pursue the one who once captured your heart.
- Celebrate one another. Be your partner’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Celebrate small victories. Intentionally show that you support him/her.
- Make bedtime count. As often as possible make bedtime the same for both of you. Lots of things can get in the way of this but make sure it happens often. One of the best things about marriage is going to bed together at the end of the day. This is a connecting time that should not be overlooked.
F – Fight right
- Remind one another that you are on the same team. Differences of opinions are a healthy thing. Don’t be afraid of them. Choose how you will deal with them. When issues develop, choose a time when the “heat” has subsided. Each one gets the floor to express his or her thoughts on the issue. Flexibility and cooperation are the foundation stones to move forward.
- Grow a heart of gratitude. Don’t let the daily rubbing and irritations rob you of seeing all the good. Take note of the things your partner does for you, for the family, for the upkeep of your home. Say “thank you” not just for actions but rediscover intentionally the great things about your partner and express appreciation.
- Value your partner! When differences come this outlook will impact outcome.
- Be a safe place. Assess your own attitude. Are you nagging, being critical or treating your partner like a child? You can begin to change the atmosphere in your home. Make it a safe place for your partner to share and be, without fear of criticism. You can start the pattern to change.
- Accept your partner. Neither of you is perfect. Find some good in your partner every day and be thankful for it. Pray about the challenges. Plan a time to thoughtfully approach concerns with caring solutions in mind. Be open-minded to change. Be willing to be adaptable. Guard against a disapproving attitude. The subtle attitude of disapproval is deadly to your marriage.
- Pray together. There is infinite wisdom in the advice to pray with and for your spouse. Going to God together with the complexities of life and sincerely and humbly inviting His power in to influence your home is life changing. If you can’t pray together yet, pray for your spouse daily. It will also help keep your own heart soft and your dependence on God as your help.
T – Talk
- Share thoughts and ideas. Share interesting things from your day or your reading. Share your reactions to the things in your day because this is a way to share feelings too. Encourage your partner when he/she shares. Ask questions but don’t “interrogate”.
- Listen. If one of you is not feeling “heard” then communication will eventually shut down. Resentment can filter in. Listen and don’t try to fix. Be interested. Be intentional about building communication that has drifted. There may be unresolved hurts or there may just be a “drifting” into your corners. Listen with ears that hear and eyes that meet. If communication has all but stopped be patient and do your part to begin sharing and listening again.
Conclusion
Face the drift that may be happening in your marriage and don’t let divorce become your option. Put these steps into practice. Become that change you want to see in your marriage and you will keep drift away and divorce a non-issue.
I think that’s what God had in mind when He introduced marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19: 4-5:
“The Scriptures record that from the beginning God made male and female and said ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’.”
Prayer to put God’s power into action in your home:
Father God,
Today I invite You into my marriage and into my heart in a fresh way. Thank you that You are the one who gives the power to change our home. Come and change me. Change my attitudes and my actions. Help me to be wise in re-building where we have drifted apart. Help me to be wise in my daily choices. Please restore, renew and replenish my love and passion within my marriage. Thank you for (name your partner). Turn my partner’s heart toward You and toward me in new ways as well. I ask this with thanksgiving in the powerful name of Jesus, amen.
Hi Greg,
Thanks for your note. I feel for you in your situation with deployment separating you from your wife. It’s a hard place to be and there are no easy answers. We have not had military experience but my husband has worked away from home and we have had some years of him being away 50% of the time. So we have some knowledge of how the skype times can just become empty. My husband reminds me that, in life, there will be circumstances when it simply feels like the cart is stuck in the mud and, during those times, you both simply commit to pulling together in the same direction, committed to coming out the other side and still being “us”. Life circumstances will change.
Acknowledge together that it is hard. Together reaffirm your commitment to do what you can to stay connected during these times. Determine together that you will come out the other side with your marriage intact. Amp up the letters, the cards; make plans for the times you will be together, read the same books of encouragement perhaps, be proactive in finding your connections.
History together is built through shared experiences. Keep pulling together through this difficult shared experience of separation and focus on your commitment to one another and the fact that you are choosing “us”. In our case, we eventually choose a different direction of work that better supported our commitment to family.
We have a section on Military Lives that may be of some help. http://powertochange.com/military/
Perhaps even writing about your experiences might be helpful to you, your spouse and to others. Keep prayer for one another a top priority. You can survive this less than ideal way of life and come out with your relationship intact and even stronger. Consider engaging with a mentor, through the link at the top of this article, if discouragement is stalling you.
Lord God, Please encourage Greg today and give him creative ideas and ways to connect with his wife. Bless his marriage and his home and shelter them both during this difficult time. Help them to grow their marriage strong and secure through these times of separation. Keep them safe and encourage their hearts. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen. God bless you.
I’ve just had a seven year far-distance relationship with someone I believed with all my heart was the only one in the world for me. We were able to sustain a loving, intimate and personal relationship for all that time. Unfortunately, she changed for unknown reasons. Yes, she was married, and was trying to save her marriage, but we had the best friendship / love affair for all that time. My point is that it is possible to sustain a very intimate love affair with someone over a distance for a long time. It can work, but then both parties must be truly honest with each other all the time. I can testify that when one is not being totally honest (and I have said this before in one of my previous posts) it ruins any chance of there being a lasting friendship. Love can conquer anything if both want it to. the second one of the partners doubts anything the relationship begins to fail and there isn’t much the other can do, no matter how hard they try. I must admit that I lost it and told her husband about us. There’s no use in preaching honesty if you can’t live it. I would give anything to have her back, but her inability to stand up for us had cost us a beautiful future that we had planned to the finest detail. Greg, I sympathise with you, but if she doesn’t share the dream with you there isn’t much you can do to kindle that fire. sometimes family pressure and wanting to look innocent can ruin it all. god’s richest blessings to you.
Ok, so how do you fix the drifting if one member of the marriage is in the military and deployed all the time? Quality time, touch, sex, fun experiences… They all go out the door and you just drift apart more. Conversation becomes forced and text messages, letters and emails don’t portray tone. Skype is as close as it comes to “face time” and even then, with the opposite work hours and schedules we only get an hour or so a week. Times that by 5 years… Is there hope?
Thank you for this practical and wise advice! I live in a muslim society, where many marriage relationships are based on unilateral interests. This article reminds me and my husband that Christ sets us free so we have the fullness of life in marriage as well. We learn to participate in God’s healing process of our relationships so that we not only become closer with our spouses, but also closer with Jesus.
I can’t help thinking that drifting marriages are caused by one of the spouses not being totally honest with the other,or both being not totally honest. I am of the opnion that unless you are married to the person you can be the most honest with, even when you have broken trust or really messed up, you run the risk of falling into the drifting marriage syndrome. Whatever one calls it, total honesty is the only way of keeping the marriage sacred, even after making mistakes or being unfaithful. As the old adage says, “the truth sets you free”. I know of many damaged mariages that were totally healed because the guilty party confessed their dishonesty, even at the risk of losing their loved one, and the spouse forgave and forgot, as should be. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we all could admit our faults openly and redeem ourselves? So many of us hide behind a front we have created to mask our deceit, and so ending affectively, a beautiful mariage. I appeal to all drifters to come clean and own up, and see the results it may deliver. God does hate divorce, but total confession of our sins and the resulting forgiveness thereof cleans us of the guilt and gives us an open path to reconciliation. Again, I urge you to consider that. Blessings…..
Sound advice which I am sure the spouse advocated, however was not DYNAMIC enough. God hates divorce yes, but in repeated infidelities and lies with no remorse, He grants it. Sometimes there is no turning back, not even after a 30 year marriage.
Andrew, I agree with part of what you said, but not all of it. You definitely cannot force someone to love you. You’re right about that. But I do believe that one partner can open the door to repairing a marriage. In the end, yes, both spouses have to agree that it’s worth another shot, but that inciting action that starts to turn things around can totally come from one partner. Imagine a marriage where the husband feels neglected. If the wife understands that he’s feeling this way and starts to make an effort to spend more time together then things can turn around. There are cases where an unfaithful spouse has been able to demonstrate their willingness to change and work on the relationship and the marriage has been saved. When two people are drifting away from each other it only takes one to turn around. It’s not a guarantee that things can be fixed but it’s certainly worth trying.
Let’s face facts, if your marriage is saveable then save it with all your strength and with much prayer. However, if you have driven your partner away from you with infidelity and selfishness then have the dignity and respect to him/her to let go. You can’t force someone to love you. Many spouses think they alone can save a marriage, but it’s a two-party project. No one can be happy in a marriage alone.
Amara, it is wonderful to hear that you and your husband are back on the right track – living out the wonderful plan that God has for you together in your marriage to one another. This is truly a beautiful and blessed article, and I will be sharing it with my husband, as well. Thank you so much for your testimony, Amara, and thank you so much for these wonderful words of wisdom, Gail! May God richly bless you!
Thank you, My husband and I read this and now we make time, and our marrige is getting better
god article thanks for posting it very thought provoking thanks again
if god is with us, go ahead.
I have been married for almost thirty years now. And yes there have been trials and tribulations along the way… thanks so much for the good advice given above.