Help! I love my spouse, but I’m attracted to someone else
Dave: Well Donalyn, this is a gutsy question needing to be answered. I remember within four months of our wedding, doing the head turn for a very beautiful woman. You noticed and made some comment and at that time I felt hugely embarrassed that I had allowed myself to take note of her. Inside I was thinking, “ Well, this is crazy! I have this amazing, gorgeous wife. What would ever possess me to stare at another woman?” I felt both humiliated and confused.
Donalyn: It might help our readers to realize that men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding, and may get sidetracked by this high connection need. But whether male or female, there are steps a person can take to address this issue.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
Dave: You need to understand that being attracted to the opposite sex is not a new problem or one that is unique to you, and, yes, you will face it again. So you need to develop a game plan on how to deal with tempting or enticing people outside your marriage who start to catch your interest. For starters, it would be helpful to do a little bit of self analysis and ask yourself, “Why am I being attracted to this person?”
Sometimes, a little chemistry begins to develop between a man and a woman at work. You leave your spouse at home in the morning with major bedhead after having had a difficult evening the night before. Then you come to work to interact with this other person who is all dressed up and in the best part of their day. They are not battling kids or anything else, and they are just there looking so fresh and so friendly. That’s a dangerous zone to be in.
Donalyn: That’s right Dave. And what you need to remember is that you are only seeing the best side of the other person; you are not seeing their grumpy side. You are not seeing them in their worst moods. People forget that the person that is being a bit of a draw to them does have a dark side.
I remember a situation from when I was working in the tax office in Calgary. We were about three years married. There was a guy that took his coffee breaks at the same time as me. We often ended up being together with groups of people, and he was pretty persistent in his interest in me. I turned him down in his request to go out for dinner, saying, “I’m married,” and he said that he didn’t even care that I was married. So sometimes the attraction and the temptation is not very subtle and the interest can be extremely confusing.
Dave: It is not only important to look at why you may be tempted, but it is also valuable to understand that you are most vulnerable when things aren’t good at home. If the relationship is suffering at home, your primary focus needs to be on getting things right between you and your spouse, so you won’t have any context for temptation beyond the relationship.
Donalyn: That is excellent. We need to concentrate on our own spouse and look for ways to reconnect if there has been distance. Sit down and work things out, make apologies to one another and look for ways to start saying I love you on a daily basis. When we affirm and compliment our spouse for things we love about them, and treat them with kindness everyday, the relationship will improve over time. Work to make your relationship strong.
Dave: Another key step if you are being drawn into a relationship beyond your partner: break the silence. This means not only telling your spouse, but also telling one other person who will hold you accountable. As a matter of fact, accountability is a powerful thing in the life of any person. I have been accountable to another man weekly for over 20 years now. This is a real gift to Donalyn. We talk openly about our temptations and struggles, and we hold each other accountable to clean up our act and honour God with our mind and with our eyes. I think that every person needs an accountability partner of the same gender who can help you face the issues in their life, whatever they are.
Donalyn: Temptation begins in the mind, so we need to set a guard inside our mind. Noticing beautiful people in your world is inevitable, but you can’t allow yourself to dwell there. The battles must ultimately be won in your mind, by refusing to linger on tempting thoughts.
Dave: For that reason it is important to put boundaries in your relationships with people outside of your marriage. For as long as I can remember, Donalyn, you and I have agreed not to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are a close friend to both of us. We limit our contact with these people, and we never go out for lunch or for coffee alone with a person of the opposite sex.
Donalyn: And be careful about verbal bantering and teasing. Women listen for words. Be sure that your kindness isn’t being misunderstood, and don’t let any sexual innuendos creep into your jokes, or allow teasing to become an enticement.
Dave: Of course, you also need to draw the line in physical contact. While Donalyn and I are both compassionate and expressive people, we very rarely give frontal hugs to people of the opposite sex. Instead we just come beside them and give them a hug that way. You may think you’re just encouraging someone with a little hug, but that can be misinterpreted very easily.
Donalyn: When you are really being tempted, the best thing you can do is simply flee. Put distance between you and the person that is being a distraction to you and to your marriage. That is what Joseph did in Genesis 39 when he ran from Potipher’s wife: he put distance between himself and the temptation.
Dave: When it really comes down to it, God needs to anchor us in our relationships. We honour both God and our mate when we make Jesus the Lord of our eyes and our heart. Ask Him to set a watch over your eyes and your mind, so that you do not fall into temptation yourself, or become a temptation to someone else. Ask Him what steps you need to take to protect your marriage right now.
May closeness, passion, and faithfulness continue to grow between you and your spouse!
© 2003 FamilyLife Canada . Used by permission.
Hi Jamie,
I just wanted to express my appreciation for you taking the time to read and respond to my post. Also, thank you for the kind prayers. Slowly and surely things are sorting themselves out even if it wasn’t the way I expected.
My guy and I are on speaking terms and I have tried to understand his fears of commitment. I do not regret my actions in ending the relationship and I can see that sometimes things happen for a reason, and for that fact I am grateful for all that I have in my life already.
Thanks again and may God bless you.
Ella
eu não a ahuento,ela não é mais,a ,mesma.ta feia e com a bunda caida.
mais acho,que amo outra , a conheci no msn e me apaixonei.
Ella, have you talked through this with people who know you and care about you? They will be much more qualified to comment on the wisdom of your decision because they are more intimately connected with both of you.
I do want to caution you about something. In relationships, never be afraid of letting your emotions show. Your tears or lack of tears does nothing to prove your strength. Emotionally detaching yourself from a relational break down is not a healthy practice and rarely has the impact that we hope it might on the other person. It is good to show the impact of the loss of a relationship and mourn the break in trust. Being able to feel that deeply and still remain true to your convictions is a far better picture of strength.
I do agree that seeking God’s guidance in this situation is wise. I love His promise to us, “I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) God has a plan of how your life will play out and whom you will commit yourself to. Following His plan is always the best idea because you can know for sure that He has your best in mind.
Lord God I pray for Ella as she mourns the loss of this relationship. I ask that You would guard her heart from getting hardened in an attempt to protect herself from being hurt. I ask that she would allow this experience to help her discover Your leading in her life more and more. Comfort her in this loss and bring her joy in this next phase of her journey in life. Amen.
Dahlia, good for you to have the courage to speak the truth here. So often when we acknowledge these secrets out loud they cease to have power over us.
You are fortunate to have come across this experience now as an engaged woman rather than as a married one. It is an important lesson that we all have to go through at one point or another and being able to deal with this now is going to give you strength for the future of your marriage. Temptations are always going to be there in our lives. How we react to them becomes a far more important aspect. As Martin Luther once said, “You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair.”
When you affirmed “I love my fiancé more than anything in this world” that was a good step to stopping the bird from making a nest in your hair. You acknowledge that there are other attractive men out in this world but that doesn’t detract at all from the love that you have for your man. Rehearse in your mind the things that you love about him. Remind yourself why you have made the commitment to join yourself to him forever in marriage. Every time your thoughts are drawn to this fellow-student use that as a trigger to think about your love for your fiancé. Dismiss in your mind the power this attraction has over you and reaffirm your commitment to the man you love.
Being able to develop that kind of pattern of dealing with attractions now before you are married will give your marriage a great strength for the future. The Bible talks about this kind of combat against thoughts that could lead us astray, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) God helps us with that kind of transformation of our thought-life, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” (Romans 12:2)
Let me pray for you: God in Heaven, I pray for Dahlia as she and her fiancé are far apart from each other and she is faced with the temptation of compromising on her commitment. I pray that You would help her to change her thought patterns so that she would avoid dwelling on thoughts that take her away from what she really wants. Fill her heart and mind with all kinds of reasons why she is in love with her fiancé and deepen her level of commitment to him alone. Amen.
Dahlia, Let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors. They can help you discover how God can help you transform your thoughts and your whole life. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Hi,
I was with my boyfriend for four and a half years and I never once thought about cheating on him. He has a very quiet character which I have always loved about him, and I never thought he would ever cheat, or think of cheating on me. We have always respected each other and frowned upon others that disrespect their partners. He is 27 and I am 25. We are both breaking into our careers, but things have not been going well for him at work lately. I was also due to be transferred elsewhere for my work too.
The plan was for us both to move to a country near by (which I wont mention for fear of being found out)and find work there soon. I recently had exams with school so I was quite busy, but even before my exams things were fine. We did argue a little but I thought the pressure was just getting to him.
After 3 weeks of being ignored (we don’t live together), he finally explains via phone why he disappeared. (only after gentle coercion and after I had already broken up with him because he refused to explain his erratic behavior).
His argument was that because I had initiated the break between us, I didn’t respect the conditions and kept contacting him. My argument was I was not given a ‘reason’ for the break and that I will not put my life on hold because he is confused. So I ended things (as painful as it was).
3 weeks later he admitted to me finally (and still not having seen his face)that he was attracted to a woman at work. He swore that nothing happened but he was disturbed by the fact that this chemistry between them was happening for the last few weeks. His father cheated on his mother years ago and that tore the family apart. He is seeking ‘advice’ from his father, but hasn’t told his mum or sister the reason we broke up.(hmmmm i wonder why)
He also says he loves me very much, and cried a whole bunch of tears on the phone (i didn’t cry on the phone, just to prove how strong i was). He also said that he cannot promise to be faithful to me in the future because of this one off thing (so he says) that happened (i.e. marriage, moving away etc)
I loved him so much, and he did break my heart. I also felt extremely disrespected. Apart of me almost cant comprehend what has happened, but as much as I love him I love my self more and will not continue in this relationship knowing that he has said he can’t trust himself. I know I have to move on.
I am also a strong believer of forgiving and moving on although this is very hard for me because our lives were intertwined, but I am slowly following the same destination but with a different route (without him). This all happened recently and I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, and he also says he needs time alone but he just wanted to be honest with me about things. He has never ever given me reason for concern (and Im generally quite sharp at tings like that),and we spent most evenings and weekends together too. All I can do is continue to ask God for guidance I guess and the strength to help me through.
Ok technically we aren’t married yet; at least we haven’t got that far. See I’m engaged though, but it’s really hard because we are far apart at the moment. He isn’t here and it gets hard just texting him all the time, calling him or facebooking him. We are miles apart, I mean major miles. I feel so confused and lost sometimes since we can’t be together at the moment and I know I love him more than anything.
The problem is though; lately I ended up in this group project for a class. Two guys and a girl. One of the guys in the group started talking more to me and hanging out with me. Apparently he was flirting with me and me with him, which one of my friends pointed out to me. I completely didn’t notice though and now I feel horrible because well..I’ve started developing feelings for him. I like him quite a lot. He’s funny and cute and not bad looking either. I’m a sucker for personalities and find myself drawn to guys who are really sweet and funny. So of course I start falling for him. The thing was though I think I was denying it until I went dancing with my friends the other night and he told me, while a little drunk, that he really liked me and I should think about dating him. I was startled and didn’t really know what to say. He left with his friends after that.
I feel so disgusted with myself though! I love my fiancé more than anything in this world. I miss him so bad it aches and I cry all the time. Long distance relationships suck!! I know it will be awhile before I can see him too. And in comes this guy and I start feeling for him and now I find I forget to message my fiancé sometimes and he’s worried about me. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings and I feel like I’m a horrible person for even thinking about this other guy! :’( I actually hate myself right now for even admitting this out loud. –sigh-
Confused, I’m glad you commented here. It can often help to get an outside perspective. I think that there are couple of different things going on in your relationship right now. It sounds like you are feeling lonely and that loneliness is affecting you both inside your marriage and outside of it. Let’s see if we can unpack this one part at a time.
First, you mentioned this other man that you are attracted to and wonder if you should keep in touch with him or not. My advice to you would be to not have any contact with him. It sounds like your marriage is in a vulnerable place at the moment, it’s not broken, but it’s a little delicate. When that happens you need to be extra careful to protect it. You said yourself that you feel guilty about the friendship, listen to your gut. You are married and he has a family of his own. Pursue a romance and it’s going to cause a lot of pain for a lot of people. Pursue a friendship when your marriage is vulnerable and the relationship could happen by accident. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, “I’d like to cheat on my husband today.” Well, not very many people anyway. But often an affair happens when two people are friends and then start relying on each other emotionally, and then something bad happens and this other person is one they lean on for strength. That’s when you get people saying, “I don’t know how this happened.” So yes, for now, I would recommend putting a lot of distance between you and this man.
As for your marriage it sounds like something is not as it should be. You said that you are not sure if you love your husband. That’s a big question to look at. Try this exercise: write down the top 10 things you love about your husband. Is it easy to come up with a list? Is it hard? If it’s hard it does not necessarily mean that you do not love him, but it may mean that either a) you have stopped paying attention to the good things or b) you have been hurt and the hurt makes it hard to see the good. People who are deeply in love are sometimes also attracted to other people. The difference between the people who cheat and the people who don’t is what they do with that attraction. Act on it, and you take a step way from your marriage. Turn away from it and you turn back toward your marriage.
Have you considered seeing a counsellor or talking with a pastor? There may be an issue in your marriage that can be worked through. It could be a communication issue, a question of time, an issue with finances or family obligations or a decision that you’re trying to make. A confidential third party can help you work through that so that your marriage comes out stronger and better able to face the next challenge. Marriage is work. Great marriages are still work. But the benefits of a wonderful marriage are enormous. It may feel like a great marriage is a long way off, or even a few years behind you, but there is absolutely hope for you and your husband. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Fighting FOR your marriage is a good and healthy thing.
I am 32 and have been married for 3 years and I am not sure if I love my husband. If I do, then why I am so attracted to the other married man? nothing has happened between me and the other man, we are only friend ( I hope) and see each other once in few months, every time the conversation was great and I always look forward to meeting him again. Few days ago we met up again for dinner and I had that strong feeling inside me that I wish I could be with him, a desire that actually upset me. It makes me doubt if I actually love my husband, I am not sure that the reason I have had no intention to start a family indicating a deeper issue with my marriage. The other man has a lovely family and planning to have another kid, he talks about his family a lot but at the same time he also shows his caring side towards me unlike any other of my friends. I don’t even know why I am leaving a message here on this website and I am feeling guilty about my feelings. I am thinking that I should not see or e n in touch with this ther man agin but I don’t have a lot of friends and I dont want tol loss this friend who’s care about me. What should I do?
Hi Natasha,
I agree you need to be very careful in your contact with this man. It can be easy to fall into a relationship that compromises your morals and his commitment to his family. There are many ways that you can show him that you are only interested in a professional relationship. Refuse to be in a private setting alone with him. Be very clear if he crosses any boundaries that you feel go beyond professional. If he does make more direct advances you should clearly communicate your refusal to allow the professional relationship to be compromised in any way. You may even want to talk with him directly about the issue. Rather than accuse him of any inappropriate behavior you could address the topic by saying, “I know sometimes when men and women work together there are temptations to let the relationship go beyond the professional level. I want you to know that I refuse to let that happen between us so let’s make a commitment to each other that we won’t ever allow anything to compromise our team.”
I want to take the time to say thankyou for taking ur time to answer me I really appriciate it. As I speack right now I have a sharp pain in my heart and I believe its a reminder of my disobedience toward God. I believe I’m ready to five time to make sure my priority for this family comes before my love life. I know it was a difficult couple questions and I can almost see u behind the computer thinking and writhing lol. But thankyou so much may God bless you and your staff…. thankyou for praying for me btw my name is Benjamin ,claire . I will make sure I am a father to my son and a man to the mother of my child. And a husband oneday to her.
Dear i want god,
You’re in a complicated situation for sure, but what you need to know first is that God CAN still help you. God still loves you. As I read through your comments I see that you’re dealing with a couple of different situations – you’re going to have a baby, you have questions about your sex life and you wonder how this current relationship is going to affect your future marriage. That’s a lot and I don’t know if I can answer all of it, but I’ll do my best.
1. You’re having a baby. That’s a fact that you can’t change. Whether or not you’re going to be a Dad to this baby is up to you. You said in your comment that, “I’m not a good servant and deff not a good man.” This is your chance to be a good man. Be a father to your child. I cannot tell you if you should be with the child’s mother forever or not, but be a father to your child forever. Support him or her financially, spend time with them, show up. A baby is a lot of work, so be there. Change diapers, rock the child to sleep. Play with them, sing to them, be a part of the child’s life. If you get married to someone else some day, you may have a family with her, this child will be part of that family as well. Both you and your girlfriend made the choice to have the sex that created this child. Make sure that no matter what happens in the future you never make her carry all of the burden for what the two of you did together. Be there for your kid, that’s how you start to be a good man.
2. You mentioned that you don’t think that she is the woman God has for you because you had sex before hand. But remember that is not just her fault, that was a decision you both made together. There are a lot of reasons why God says to keep sex in marriage – and you find yourself right in the middle of one them right now. It’s complicated, but be careful not to assume that nothing about this relationship is right because something was wrong. You talk about wanting to keep having sex – if sex with this girl disqualifies her in your eyes, how can you keep having sex and also expect to be in a relationship with a girl who waits to have sex? I would strongly encourage you to stop having sex. And yes, I know exactly how impossible that sounds.
My Mom has often said that no baby is ever a mistake. Sometimes the timing or circumstances are not what we would have chosen, but no baby is a mistake. Two people can join their bodies, but only God can start a life. A baby is not easy, but a baby is also wonderful. Something incredibly good is about to happen to you, don’t lose sight of that. You’re young, but you’re an adult. You can do this.
Above all, remember that God is a God of restoration, He’s the God who puts the broken pieces back together. As I read through your comment I was reminded of the apostle Paul who wrote in the book of Romans, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Sound familiar? No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some have longer lasting consequences than others, but we ALL screw up. And when we do God says, “Come to me all who are weary [tired] I will give you rest.” If you want to get right with God it’s pretty simple: confess what you did to God, repent (i.e. stop doing it), and ask for God’s forgiveness. Ask Him to give you the strength to be the man you want to be. God WILL forgive you. You don’t have to live in shame.
If you can, see if you can not have sex for the next two months between now and when the baby comes. Use the time to get prepared for the baby. There are classes you can take, books you can read. There’s a lot to know about being a parent and no one is ever really ready. Learn what you can, show up and love that kid and you’ll be well on your way. Everyone is scared when they’re about to have a baby. It’s a lot of responsibility. But you don’t have to do this alone and you’ll figure it out. That first moment when you hold your child in your arms is unlike anything else in the whole world.
We have an online lesson about God’s forgiveness that might really help you. You can find the lesson here. You can also contact a mentor if you’d like someone to talk to privately.
I don’t know you, but from what you’ve written here it sounds like you have a good heart. You want to be a better man. You want to follow God. You’ve stumbled but you’re trying to make things right. Make things right with God first, make things right with your child and with the mother of your child. Don’t be afraid that loving your child now will get in the way of loving your wife later, it doesn’t work that way. Be the very best father you can possibly be and when the time comes there will be plenty of love to go around. Can you have a baby with this woman and end up married to someone else? Yes, you can. Will you? Only God knows and you’ve got plenty of time to figure all that out. I’ll pray for you.
Dear God, I pray for i want god today. You know the heavy things that he is carrying in his heart. Help him to see that you are ready and able to forgive him, all he has to do is ask. Remind him that you still love him – show him. I pray for the baby that is coming that he or she will be an incredible blessing to all who get to know him or her. I pray for the child’s mother. If she feels afraid or alone, bring people to surround and support her. Give i want god the courage and strength to walk this journey with her and to be able to tell her that he will always be a part of this child’s life. Give them wisdom to know what to do each day and each night. Honour i want god’s desire to live better, to honour you with his choices. My this unexpected child be the source of unimaginable joy, in your name, Amen.
Thankyou to a friend says. Thankyou I never thought of it that way I totally for forgot about looking at it that way.
P.S. my comment was to “i want God”… may God bless you today.
Just a thought… (know, I am a woman, so I do not have the male perspective on the physical issue, but perhaps the mental one?). It may not be the actual act that is not satisfying you, but the guilt and remorse you are thinking while the act is taking place that is hindering you from enjoying her 100%. Our God is a forgiving God, and a loving God, but you also have to forgive and love yourself for this process to work. Defeat those thoughts with love and forgiveness from above, and from yourself, and you may find she is perfect for you.
Hi,
I am going through a bit of problem within myself.. from 1-2 months there is male colleague of mine who is being very caring towards me.. He married with kids. I am not married single. My relationship with my colleagus has always been formal. but now we are on a official trip abroad, may be concerned about me or wat I dunno.. im not intersted in any kind of friendship with ppl other than my close circle. but I feel im getting close to him which am not liking.. and also I think he takes much interest in me.. the problem within me is that I am very confused about his intensions. And I dont want to get close to any guy.. I feel that place should be given only to my husband. I am not able to think clearly about this.. when I was just doing a bit of read up I read this post and I thought could get some expert help.
Man I sound horrible. I knew I should ilhave never had sex with woman I had a couple partners and they felt better then the one I’m with. God tells us to wait obviously I didn’t wait it hurts me that I didn’t wait. Is the devil lying to me that my sex life with her cant feel good? He has to be lying hes trying to push me away he knows I have this filthy rude mind this mind is not a mind of God its not. I want to know if God can help me in this situation. I know God can do all things. I need to surrender but if I surrenderd will this feeling leave? Do I need to stop thinking like this? But u don’t understand my mind is not a fun place it haunts me. I need to put my heart in the right direction. Just please I need words of comfort other then from the word maybe I’m not even reading right. All this sin again I’m ashamed. I’m sorry my lord and I’m sorry to my future wife I want to be with her and stay with only her and God. I think a lot of is need to rekindle our love with the almighty.
I’m not married but want to. I’m having a baby with her shes 7 months were young I’m 20 shes 19. I want to love God with all my heart but I’m scared. I tend to think shes not the woman for me God has planned,due to the fact of sex before marriage and now I’m having a kid. I tend to think sex with other woman will feel better. I know I should not think like this. I want to think if I quit having sex and commiting adultery, we are now one flesh becasuse of our sexual relationship. But I want to think if I quit these things my sex life will return and rekindle our well my love for her body. Right now I don’t feel I really respect her or my body. Maybe its time to respect gods word and our bodies and God will bless us. But what if I made a mistake.what if I never understood her and jumed into sex to fast and now I just feel like I want to leave cause another woman will profill my desires. But if I stop having sex with the mother of my unborn child I tend to think I still wont desire her. But I love her so much I do I know do and the lord knows that.what’s wrong with me first I’m not a good servant and deff not a good man. I’m ashamed. After sex I tend to think about how another woman feels as if my body was meant for that girl and not meant for my future wife. Can I have a baby with a woman but not marry her and end up being with someone else ? But wont God be mad at me?
i am in a relationship with this guy for almost a year now. at first, i got into relationship with him but deep down in my heart..i did not think he was someone i could get married to. the reasons were simply His age, some features of his family, and that he ha a baby already.
As days goes, i come to realize that the guy is so kind, romantic and caring something that i was longing to get.
But there were also problems..he spends too much and i have tried to advice him with no success. i realize that i am not comfortable to introduce him as my boyfriend and don’t enjoy being with him in public.
Recently, i met with this guy and i think he is the one i want.
my problem is that i want to end the previous relationship before full engaging in the new relationship. this boyfriend loves me so much. he is ready to do anything to make me happy. i tried to tell him that its over but he got so depressed, got sick for a week and he couldn’t eat. i really want to get out of this relationship. plz help me. what should i do???i don;t want him to suffer because of me and i cant marry him.
If you hate his ex try reading I HATE HIS EX by Alex Cooper. I had loads of problems with my fiance’s ex and I have now resolved them thanks to the advice in this book! You can get it on Amazon! Definitely worth a read! :)
Yolanda, re-reading your write-up, I get the feeling that you are such a wonderful person that this Guy can’t help but be attracted to you. What a great complement! In your sensitivity you respond emotionally, which is a natural thing to do. The world of full of wonderful people, and you two definitely have something in common. You may also be surprised how often the same thing happens to others.
My wife & I met a couple in a mall some years ago, and as we parted his wife looked around at me just as I turned to look back at her, and raised my eyebrows at her. It took us both by surprise. My wife said “What in the world was that all about?” to which I replied, “It was just some estrogen & androgen recognizing one-another.” Something like that to me is more of a complement than a threat.
I think there are many women that I could be happily married to, yet having made a choice, my commitment to my wife remains. Through difficulties it is strengthened. Dr. Currie, in the above article, says that it’s not always easy, but takes work. I agree, and I add that the work is worth it. Part of that work is prayer: In praying for her in detail, I feel drawn to love her more. What I want to do in greater measure is to pray together for others (also in detail) which will unite us in the common interest in those people and in mission projects.
Dear Lord, I thank You that Yolanda is such a loving, sensitive person, and that her commitment to her husband is strong. Help her and her husband to both continue working at their relationship, so they grow in their commitment to one-another. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
conflicted, Are you a terrible person? No you’re not. But you’re probably not really in love with Other Guy either. It sounds like you’re infatuated with him. Here’s the thing: new love, even new might-become-love is always incredibly exciting. It’s the first day of school and Christmas morning all rolled into one. There’s adventure and intrigue, compliments and sexy innuendo, the thrill of the chase, those words of romance and dreams of what might be. It’s heady stuff. But it doesn’t last. You had those exact same feelings, that natural attraction with your partner, you just had them a while ago. And now you have diapers instead.
So does this mean that love is best when it’s new? I don’t think so. Watch a couple who have been together for a lifetime and you’ll see a depth and a sweetness to their love that infatuation could never hold a candle to. When love grows, it deepens, it takes root. But make no mistake, love is always work. We have this idea that love should be effortless, and in some ways it can be. But for the most part love is something you work at holding on to.
A friend of mine showed me an excellent article the other day that you might find interesting – You Never Marry the Right Person. In it the author talks about how love takes practice. No professional athlete just shows up on game day and expects to be able to play brilliantly because he has natural talent. He takes that talent and practices, hard, every single day. He gets coached, he plays and plays and plays to hone that talent into a skill and to keep that skill. Love is like that. You don’t love well just by being beside someone, it takes work and practice and intention. You have to actively love, every day. Even when you’re changing diapers.
What I’m trying to say is this: don’t throw away a good thing because something else might be more exciting. You have a child with this man, that means you’re bonded together for life. Whether or not you decide to marry one day, you will ALWAYS be the parents of that little girl and as such you will always be in each other’s lives. You said that you find the idea of commitment hard, but take a look at your life. You have already made a lifelong commitment to your child. How does it feel? Is it scary? Probably at times, but if you’re like most people it also feels amazing.
You CAN be satisfied, but you won’t find satisfaction dropped on your doorstep. Take a good look at your relationship, not to judge it, but just a good look at it. As new parents you have less time. There are things you did before that you don’t do now. Could you intentionally start making room for those things again?
I’d encourage you to consider the idea of marriage a little closer. Not as a magic bullet to fix things, but as an option for your future. Yes marriage means being with one person for the rest of your life, and that can sound stifling, but marriage means a lot of other wonderful things as well, things that sound like companionship and love and safety and history and adventure.
I’m intrigued that you say that you consider yourself to be married but struggle with the idea of that commitment. I wonder if it’s something altogether that you struggle with, because as an outsider looking in, you seem pretty committed to me. You have a life with this man, a family with him, and you don’t have any trouble referring to him as your husband. Could it be something else that is holding you back? Is it the timing that makes you wonder? i.e. would things be different if you were 26 instead of 21? Has someone told you that it’s too early to settle down? Are you worried about becoming boring? Because as far as the commitment goes, look behind you, you’re already living it. You don’t have to sample all the flavours to know for sure you’ve found your favourite.
I am not married yet technically, but we basically consider ourselves to be. I really do love him, we’ve got a beautiful baby girl together and in many ways that makes me very happy but I am really struggling with the whole idea of commitment. Idk why, but knowing that I’m twent one and will never be with another man scares the crap out of me. I did kiss another man, I told him and we took a trial separation, I saw this other guy everyday during that break and I loved it. I desperately missed my hubby so I told him to come home. Been a few months since then and I’m finding myself torn yet again. I haven’t felt aq natural attraction like I do with Other guy in years! Am I actually n love?? Or am I just a terrible person??? I feel like I can never be satisfied
Every couple of years I see the same guy. Every time i see him I feel a connection, but we have never been single at the same time. Now I’m married and happy, but just ran into him again. I told him I was married, but when I left I just started crying. I don’t why. I don’t even know him very well. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something great could be there but we will never explore it. I feel like crap for feeling like crap, like I’ve disrespected my husband by feeling upset about this. I know I will never do anything about it but that makes me sad too. Is this a common situation or indicative of a problem? I have no friends that I would feel comfortable saying this to so please help.
Thank you Claire Colvin. Your message is quite useful to read.
Secret,
A relationship that begins while you’re married to someone else is unlikely to end well. Think it through. Say that you decide to leave your husband, get divorced, fall madly in love with New Guy and get married. What assurances will your new husband have that you’re not cultivating relationships with other people? After all, that would be exactly what you did you did to get him. It is always my hope that people who take marriage vows stay married, but if that is not possible for you the least you can do is to be sure to completely end one relationship before you start another. Otherwise you’ll bring all of the problems of your first marriage into your second, there will just be a difference face sitting across the table at breakfast.
We like to tell ourselves that when a relationship fails it’s one person’s fault. She changed…. he doesn’t…. she won’t….. he never….. but that’s almost never true. Except in cases of physical abuse there is always some measure of “fault” for both parties. That’s not to say that it’s an EQUAL measure – if someone cheats the cheating spouse is obviously more at fault – but there are two people in each relationship and it’s a rare case indeed when the other person did nothing wrong ever. If you move on from a relationship straight into another one without taking the time to take stock of what went wrong and how you can grow and do this better next time then you do a great disservice to the new relationship. Fresh love always feels exciting and it distracts us from those uglier parts of our own character that we need to work on. Do the work on yourself before you dive into a new love. I promise that it is always worth it.
As for your current situation. You are married and that means the only man you get to date is your husband. If this other guy is interested in you you need to remind him that you are married and remind yourself. You need to figure out if you want to be married or not. You really only have two choices: stay married and do not pursue anything with New Guy or get divorced and date the New Guy. You can’t be married and date the New Guy, that’s incredibly unfair. You made vows to your husband. You promised. If you’re ready to rip that apart then you owe it to him to tell him that.
My husband has infertility problem. I love him but he does not appreciate anything I do for him. He always takes his parents’ side. Never says anything good about me, compliment me or encourage me to keep our relationship warm. However, he hits on other women in front of me. I have been married for 5 years and i’m not coming from a family that thinks “divorce” is an option. I do not have infertility issues and many times asked him to go to a reproductive specialist so we can have kids, , ,. He postpones everything for no reason. I’m 25 and I have been in to another guy who is smarter and educated than my husband. He also seems to be very interested in me. Any advise would really be appreciated.
Smitten, I appreciate the strength of the attraction you feel for this old girlfriend. Those relationships that have gone through difficult experiences together can develop a life-long connection. Maybe you need to be praying for some difficult things with your wife so that you can have a similar bond :)
Something that I have found that helps me when I find myself in a place where I am enticed towards compromising my morals is focusing my thoughts on the source of my moral convictions. It helps remind me why I don’t want to do the things that part of me does want to do. For me, my moral choices come from my relationship with Jesus. He has set the example and promised that His plan for my life is always the best, even when I might be seduced by other directions. I have been blown away by the lengths that He has gone to in order to make this relationship possible and I would never want to disrespect that sacrifice He has made on my behalf. So when I get into situations where I feel like compromising I start thinking about that stuff and ask Him for the strength to hold fast to what I know is right. And He does exactly that. He helps fill my mind with reasons why I wouldn’t want to hurt Him or the other people around me whom I love and He helps guide my footsteps away from the temptation.
I don’t know what your moral base is but let me recommend Jesus. He will never let you down and His path is always the best. You can find out more about how Jesus can be your moral compass at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose. You may also want to talk with one of our online mentors who can help talk through the temptation of this old girlfriend with you and be a good sounding board. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God I do pray for this man and his family. I pray that You would protect them from the pain of infidelity. As attractive as it may seem right now, the end of it is always such a painful thing. Remind him of his promise to his wife that he made 24 years ago and help him to remain true to that promise of life-long love. Help him also to find out how Jesus can guide him away from these kinds of enticements and direct the steps of his life in Your perfect path. Amen!