Love My Spouse, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else

Written by Dr. Dave Currie


Also in this series: The Effects of Porn on Marriage.

Dave: Well Donalyn, this is a gutsy question needing to be answered. I remember within four months of our wedding, doing the head turn for a very beautiful woman. You noticed and made some comment and at that time I felt hugely embarrassed that I had allowed myself to take note of her. Inside I was thinking, “ Well, this is crazy! I have this amazing, gorgeous wife. What would ever possess me to stare at another woman?” I felt both humiliated and confused.

Donalyn: It might help our readers to realize that men and women are built differently

. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding, and may get sidetracked by this high connection need. But whether male or female, there are steps a person can take to address this issue.

Dave: You need to understand that being attracted to the opposite sex is not a new problem or one that is unique to you, and, yes, you will face it again. So you need to develop a game plan on how to deal with tempting or enticing people outside your marriage who start to catch your interest. For starters, it would be helpful to do a little bit of self analysis and ask yourself, “Why am I being attracted to this person?”

Sometimes, a little chemistry begins to develop between a man and a woman at work. You leave your spouse at home in the morning with major bedhead after having had a difficult evening the night before. Then you come to work to interact with this other person who is all dressed up and in the best part of their day. They are not battling kids or anything else, and they are just there looking so fresh and so friendly. That’s a dangerous zone to be in.

Donalyn: That’s right Dave. And what you need to remember is that you are only seeing the best side of the other person; you are not seeing their grumpy side. You are not seeing them in their worst moods. People forget that the person that is being a bit of a draw to them does have a dark side.

I remember a situation from when I was working in the tax office in Calgary. We were about three years married. There was a guy that took his coffee breaks at the same time as me. We often ended up being together with groups of people, and he was pretty persistent in his interest in me. I turned him down in his request to go out for dinner, saying, “I’m married,” and he said that he didn’t even care that I was married. So sometimes the attraction and the temptation is not very subtle and the interest can be extremely confusing.

Dave: It is not only important to look at why you may be tempted, but it is also valuable to understand that you are most vulnerable when things aren’t good at home. If the relationship is suffering at home, your primary focus needs to be on getting things right between you and your spouse, so you won’t have any context for temptation beyond the relationship.

Donalyn: That is excellent. We need to concentrate on our own spouse and look for ways to reconnect if there has been distance. Sit down and work things out, make apologies to one another and look for ways to start saying I love you on a daily basis. When we affirm and compliment our spouse for things we love about them, and treat them with kindness everyday, the relationship will improve over time. Work to make your relationship strong.

Dave: Another key step if you are being drawn into a relationship beyond your partner: break the silence. This means not only telling your spouse, but also telling one other person who will hold you accountable. As a matter of fact, accountability is a powerful thing in the life of any person. I have been accountable to another man weekly for over 20 years now. This is a real gift to Donalyn. We talk openly about our temptations and struggles, and we hold each other accountable to clean up our act and honour God with our mind and with our eyes. I think that every person needs an accountability partner of the same gender who can help you face the issues in their life, whatever they are.

Donalyn: Temptation begins in the mind, so we need to set a guard inside our mind. Noticing beautiful people in your world is inevitable, but you can’t allow yourself to dwell there. The battles must ultimately be won in your mind, by refusing to linger on tempting thoughts.

Dave: For that reason it is important to put boundaries in your relationships with people outside of your marriage. For as long as I can remember, Donalyn, you and I have agreed not to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are a close friend to both of us. We limit our contact with these people, and we never go out for lunch or for coffee alone with a person of the opposite sex.

Donalyn: And be careful about verbal bantering and teasing. Women listen for words. Be sure that your kindness isn’t being misunderstood, and don’t let any sexual innuendos creep into your jokes, or allow teasing to become an enticement.

Dave: Of course, you also need to draw the line in physical contact. While Donalyn and I are both compassionate and expressive people, we very rarely give frontal hugs to people of the opposite sex. Instead we just come beside them and give them a hug that way. You may think you’re just encouraging someone with a little hug, but that can be misinterpreted very easily.

Donalyn: When you are really being tempted, the best thing you can do is simply flee. Put distance between you and the person that is being a distraction to you and to your marriage. That is what Joseph did in Genesis 39 when he ran from Potipher’s wife: he put distance between himself and the temptation.

Dave: When it really comes down to it, God needs to anchor us in our relationships. We honour both God and our mate when we make Jesus the Lord of our eyes and our heart. Ask Him to set a watch over your eyes and your mind, so that you do not fall into temptation yourself, or become a temptation to someone else. Ask Him what steps you need to take to protect your marriage right now.

May closeness, passion, and faithfulness continue to grow between you and your spouse!

© 2003 FamilyLife Canada . Used by permission.


150 Responses to “Love My Spouse, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else”

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Christina,

    This article was written to married couples so the slant that way is intentional. You ask a really good question – what do you do with attraction and chemistry with someone who is not your partner? There are a couple of things to consider. First, I’d ask you what you are looking for? You’ve been in a fairly committed relationship for 2 years now, where do you think things are headed? Where do you want them to go? It can be tricky if you want to be married but choose to live with someone prior to getting married. If you want to get married and he likes things the way they are that can be a difficult compromise. Have you discussed marriage with your partner? Do you know what his thoughts and feelings are on that topic? You used the phrase “doesn’t commit” but I’m not sure that’s accurate. He has committed – he’s living with you – he just hasn’t made the commitment you want him to make. Perhaps there are some conversations you need to have?

    Secondly, and this is important: you can’t blame chemistry for your own choices. You may be wildly attracted to this other man. The chemistry is great, maybe he makes you feel things that your partner doesn’t. If you choose to pursue a relationship with him it won’t be because the chemistry made you do it it will be because you chose. Either you’ll choose to cheat or you’ll choose to break up with your partner, but these things don’t “just happen” they happen when we put ourselves in a situation where it becomes an option. You’ll need to decide what you want – the relationship you have now or the chance of a relationship with this other person. You can’t have both (at least not successfully, and not for very long).

    Remember that someone you are living with is never going to be as perfect as someone you are not living with. You see your partner in all circumstances – the messy ones, the annoying ones, the frustrating ones. But this other man you only see in specific situations, probably fun situations where things happen that make you feel good. Don’t confuse fantasy with reality. If you want to stay with your partner and you have a lot of chemistry with this other person it may be time to stop spending time with the other guy. Attraction is something we don’t have a lot of control over BUT, and this is a big BUT, we absolutely DO have control over how much focus and attention we give that attraction and as adults, we control our choices. Choose wisely.

  • Christina says:

    Hello everyone!

    Most of situations described here are married couples.
    But what if we consider two people living together for 2 years and one doesn’t commit.
    My partner is quite religious but perhaps cant take responsibility to make our relationship stable and formal.
    I found myself attracted to another man, being uncertain about my current relationship situation makes my feelings worse.
    As indeed I think about another person in What If matter, trying not to forget about his possible dark side, but it doesnt help as the chemistry is very high.
    What to do in this situation?

  • me says:

    Why does my husband start up relationship s with women. Even thou he is happy with me. This will end up breaking us up.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    SJ, I am encouraged to see that you do know what you need to do, the question is what’s holding you back from making the changes? Sometimes Satan whispers in our ears that we can have both – that we can be happily married and faithful and still have this other thing on the side as long as it doesn’t get physical. It’s a lie. You can’t have both. When you said “I do” to your wife you said that you choose all of her in exchange for none of anyone else. Right now it’s only emotional, but still your thoughts are consumed by this woman. The time to break off contact with her is now before something happens. Don’t spend your days dancing along the cliff edge because you’re convinced you won’t fall. Good men and good women fall all the time. Take yourself away from the danger.

    Imagine that you had a friend who was a recovering alcoholic who told you that it was fine for him to hang out in bars because he wasn’t drinking, he just liked the company. You would probably tell him that it was a bad idea and an unnecessary risk for him to be there. You’ll tell him he needs to distance himself, to take the temptation away. I would encourage you to see your situation the same way. You love your wife, you would never hurt her so why would you continue in a behaviour where hurting her very deeply is a possibility?

    Have you considered telling your wife what has been going on? If she knew she could pray for you and with you specifically about this. She could help you stay accountable to not spending time talking to this other woman. If it’s too hard for you to stop talking to this woman, change classes. Your marriage is more important. I know it’s tempting to see this as not that important. I’d really encourage you see this as an opportunity. You still have time to change courses, to choose differently, to redirect yourself back toward your marriage rather than angling away from it. Get some accountability – from your wife or from a pastor or friend – get some distance from this other woman and refuse to believe that this is impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s just hard, but your marriage is very much worth the effort. If you’d like someone from our team to walk with you and pray for you, you can use this form to request a mentor. You’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days. (Mentoring is a free and private service.)

  • SJ says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I am a young college student I have been with my wife for six years and married for 2. We are both in our very early twenties and very involved in our church. But I have this overwhelming desire for another woman at my school, it is so unbearable, I try praying and asking God for strength but every time I see her I feel mesmerized by her beauty and sweetness, we talk very often and I do enjoy it and have recently been having countless dreams about her and not even being able to sleep at night or perform well in school and at work because of it. I sometimes yell at the top of my lungs when driving home from school because I know that I could never have anything with her. I am so confused on why this yearning is sooo strong when I have one of the most beautiful and virtuous women on earth for a wife.

    I love my wife with all of my heart and these feelings I have with this other women is consuming me, it has only been going on for about 3 weeks but it has happened to me before my wife and I got married, Ive never acted on these feelings, ive always overcame them, but this time I have thoughts of acting on them, I know clearly that it is so wrong and I would probably have a break down before I could do anything, but the mere fact of thinking about it so much is driving me crazy. I know that I probably need to cut out this other woman but I feel right now like it is impossible.

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Financial stress is very difficult on a marriage, especially if as in your case there were already difficulties beforehand. However, regardless of the stress you are experiencing, fantasizing and dreaming about the ‘other’ woman will only make it more stressful. You need to determine in your heart that you are going to stay with your wife regardless of all else….take some practical steps. Look for three things every day that you can be thankful for in your wife. Doing that will help you concentrate on those things that attracted you to her in the first place.

  • Eric says:

    Now my wife lost her job.
    It makes me even more stress than ever.
    she cannot or refuse to do her duty as a wife.
    and I still cannot forget “her” although knowing its not possible.

  • Hazelle Schenk H. Schenk says:

    Hello Dulce,
    Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sharing your story to many others who may be going through a similar situation. I am really sorry to hear about the trouble that you and your wife have been going through. It must have been an excruciating time of stress with so many elements of stress. I was, however, really relieved to hear how the rest of your story unfolded. I’m glad to hear that you were able to honest with your wife and that the two of your were able to work it out!

    Have you ever heard of a FamilyLife conference? If not, I highly recommend it! You may check it out here:

    Have a wonderful Christmas holiday. Many blessings to you!

  • dulce william says:

    Great article. I found myself attracted to a woman at work and thought that it was mutual, but never acted on it. Recently, however, my wife and I were having some problems which I thought were unsolvable. I felt angry at my wife because she had pressured me into agreeing to adopt a child. We already have 2 and this will be a 3rd. The adoption hasnt happened yet. I felt that the only solution was to separate. In this vulnerable state in which I was clouded with feelings of resentment and not thinking clearly, I approached the woman at work and told her that I was attracted to her. I told her about wanting to leave my wife and she confessed that she had been attracted to me as well. Nothing physical happened, it was just an acknowledgement of our feelings. I had tried to communicate with my wife earlier about me being unhappy with the upcoming adoption and that I wasnt happy with our sex life. So the other day we are talking about our problems and she asked me if there was another woman. I admitted that I was attracted to someone at work and that the feeling was mutual but that nothing physical had happened. I did not want to lie to my wife. We had a frank discussion about our problems and we both cried alot. After that, the anger that I was feeling towards my wife vanished and I was at peace with the adoption. I realized that it would be foolish to break up our marriage and put our daughters through heart break over this issue. I wasnt thinking clearly before, but having the honest discussion really cleared my head and let me see things objectively. This is almost impossible to do in the middle of strong pent up feelings. It scares me now to realize how closely I came to throwing everything away. My wife was hurt to learn about the other woman, but she has forgiven me because it didnt go very far. I feel guilty and embarrassed about it. We are working on ways to communicate better and address our problems. Fortunately, the other woman has been very understanding about this. She has been through a divorce and does not want to split up my family. I wish that I had read this article before making a move on the other woman!

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Tunde, thank you for sharing some of your story so openly and honestly. I would encourage you to take the time to prayerfully consider what you do next. Telling someone about this ongoing struggle is definitely a great idea. When we keep a sin secret, it often festers and grows, consuming us. So definitely bring it out in to the open. But, you should know that your wife will be very hurt and have a big burden to carry once she hears about your attraction to another women. Do you have a pastor or friend whom you consider to be a spiritual mentor in your life? They may be able to help you resolve this in a way that does not bring unnecessary hurt to your wife. If, however, you have had intimate contact with this woman, then you ‘will’ need to find a time and place to tell your wife. You mention that this has been going on for three years. I’m assuming that you and this woman have opportunity to interact regularly: maybe at work or school or church. I would encourage you to put up a firm boundary about how you find yourself pursing time with her or how you communicate with her. You are experiencing an affair of the heart, and that can all too easily turn in to a sexual affair. If it means changing your job or church, then that would be worth it; your marriage and your wife are worth any sacrifce. If it was as simple as not being facebook friends or choosing to not go to the coffee shop she frequents, I’m thinking you would have already eliminated those opportunities from your life. Also, when you find yourself thinking of her, you will need to immediately cut off those thoughts. I find that prayer helps in times of temptation. I can confess whatever thoughts I’m having and give the problem over to God, asking for his help. Here’s an article on how to do that: Doing that again and again will chip away at this tumour that has the potential to destroy your marriage. If you would like to talk openly about things and make a clear battle plan to beat this, you could talk to one of our confidential email mentors: You are in my prayers.

  • Tunde Ogunbiyi says:

    This has been extremely helpful. I have been for 3 years but getting really attracted to another lady. From what I’ve learnt here, I think it will just be better for me to tell my wife. Maybe telling my wife will help me get this thoughts about the other lady out of my head.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Sarah, I can really tell that you are concerned about the dangers of getting sucked into a cheating relationship. That is such a scary place to be when you realize you can’t trust yourself. I know it was for me; when I discovered that even though I put boundaries up and made commitments with myself to deal with one of the weakness in my character, still I would slip into doing the exact opposite so easily. That’s when I realized I need help and I have discovered that Jesus is that help for me. The Bible says, “Whoever is in Christ is a new creation; the old has passed away. Everything has been made new.” (if you have a Bible you can find that at 1Corinthians 5:17 or you can read it on a online bible at!bible/2+Corinthians+5:17)

    I don’t know how that sounds to you, but for me it is a great encouragement. I know that I am able to mess up my life–and those I love–pretty severely. But having Jesus change me so that I no longer fall for the temptations I used to is a huge comfort. I talk to Jesus all the time and ask that He show me the best way to love the people around me and respond to the good and the bad that happen in any given day. It is so cool to see Him actually direct the steps I take and words I say. And I know that He always points me to the best because He sees it all. i can totally trust Him.

    Does that make sense? I know it’s maybe not the answer you were looking for but I know that in my life, he has made–and is making–all the difference.

  • marsha says:

    I am married to my husband for almost 7 months but before we get married we’re into a 5 year boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. We known each other for so long and we are both deeply in love with each other. We survived in every trials our relationship had encountered over the years. Though after we get married, i flew back abroad to work, so now we are in a long distance relationship and hopefully soon he will come to work too just to be with me.

    Now, my problem is i think i am attracted to my workmate. Nowadays, he was being so kind to me though we’re seeing each other in the office very seldom . Even my girl colleague notice that this guy is attracted to me too.

    I think i like this guy but I know that I love my husband so much.

    What shall i do about this?

  • Sarah says:

    HELP ME PLEASE :I’m 26 newly married (as in a couple weeks)wife and I’ve already found myself mentally attracted to another man, over social media, it’s not going on anymore but for a couple of weeks just a “Friend” turned into a heavy flirting, what scares me most is the newness of my marriage and why I allowed that type of interaction. I’ve never cheated, a day in my life, I was always cheated on. I’m a Stay-at-home Mother, I’m all about my family so much there isn’t much time left for me in the day to wash up, and put my face on. My husband is the best thing for me, and my children..he provides, and supports me, he can’t keep his hands off me half the time. So I’m not lacking anything, that I can see..other than there’s a 13 year age gap, and with that we were each others polar opposites we both new that when we started dating 3 years ago. My personality is wild, and loud, I believe in self expression, Tattoo’s and wild hair color, I still have more of my youth to my appearance being in my mind-20′s and the kids keep me thin bc I never stop moving, and I stand to eat, last one to sit and first one to get up and he is much more calm and private, low key he’s a more mature face and body type is alittle bigger than maybe it should be but he’s always busy trying to provide time is limited for both of us.The person I ran across on social media, sparked alot of my same interests, in music, art, quotes, views of thinking, and before I knew it, I’ve gotten myself into a mess. Somehow, I’m not sure if my husband went through my things or if this mystery fellow sent him a message but the hubby found out and flipped of course, rightfully so, and now I’m seeking help for many reasons, to get some medication for my serious anxiety issue and having ADHD, but aside from that I’ve already caused MAJOR hurt and damage to my new husband…he wants to move past it and move forward, and I want to do the same, but I fear I will mess up again, somehow, am I so weak, I can not make it 3 weeks into a marriage.No matter the off’s and on’s before our marriage, we got married, so this isn’t acceptable behavior. I’m doubting myself and if I have “cheating” qualities that will doom my marriage. And now the issues I’ve caused my husband. I’m LOST, trying to make sense of my acts, NOT JUSTIFY them.

  • Christi Smith says:

    Contact this person for relationship advice [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi mj, You asked if you can be in love with two women. You can love two women at the same time but you CANNOT be in a loving relationship with one woman if you are also courting feelings for another woman at the same time. Love is a choice, it’s something that you do not just something you feel. Attraction is somewhat out of your control but whether or not you ACT on that attraction, and how much you choose to think about or feed that attrition is entirely up to you.

  • mj says:

    can you be in love with two woman

  • cindy says:

    hi! want to seek help with my problem….its really driving me crazy…..plz help me….im married and my hubby is working abroad, before even im alone, im happy and contented with my life, but when a long lost friend chat me on net and we’ve been seeing for a while, i already feel my loneliness, only feeling happy if i see him and texting me. i think a lot of him which i don’t like anymore, im becoming obsessed with him which i know a mistake but i cant control what i feel. he is also married and he’s changing a bit of his ways like doesn’t text anymore so often and doesn’t ask to see me. i think he want already to stop.
    i also want to forget him but i cannot do it… becoming so obsessed. what should i do? im afraid to handle things slowly………i want a fast relief. please help!

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi mj, You asked what to do, it sounds like you need to make a choice. You say your love your wife, but you are having sex with someone else. That’s not what love looks like. You can’t have both relationships – someone, possibly all three of you – are going to end up getting hurt. It sounds perhaps like you have not been satisfied with your sexual relationship with your wife. If so, is that something you’ve ever been able to talk to her about? Have you had a chance to see a counsellor? There’s this idea that sex is something that just comes naturally, that it should be easy to fit together, but that’s not true. Sex, like any other physical activity takes time and practice. If the sex with your wife was better, would you still want to pursue this other woman?

    You say that you love your wife, but your actions disagree. Betraying her is not an act of love.

  • mj says:

    I love my wife, but I am having an affair with other woman, The other woman give me all the sexual needs and more. Every time we see each other we want to have sex, every where we can. I would get out of the marriage, but we are financially bine together .What do I do?

  • Divine says:

    Greeting 2 all in jesus name,am grateful 2 God 4 d wise counsel I got 4rm dis site,it helped me overcome my weaknes,I finaly came in contact wt d old boyfriend and told him clearly dat nothing can join 2 of us again cos I belong 2 my husband now,he helped me wt d issue I had and am tankful.Now am putting all my 100% 2 my huby and Family,am saved by Gods grace and your encouragement.I pray dat God will reign over my family and unite us wit joy, peace and progres Amen!

  • Fambless says:

    Hi everyone,

    I’m 27 years old and have been married for two years and 3 months. We’ve been together for one year and then he worked abroad until now. We had some issues in our marriage that’s why I let him be separated for a while in order for us to both grow and be completely whole.He loves me so much. He was my first and last boyfriend. The first issue is, I always think that I don’t love him as much as he does. It’s maybe because our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend was on and off for six years. Every time I will break with him he will cry. Until we fell in premarital sex and so I decided to get married to him for us to be official.During our one year being together as couple, we had a problem with love making. I am not physically attracted to him.He is excellent in other areas, career, talents and attitude but wasn’t able to satisfy me in sex. We’ve talked about it and until now I’m telling him to work for it and to work on his body so when he return home we’ll be okay. Me too, I’m researching how to be good at bed because I know it’s part of my role as wife. He admitted all his weakness and willing to adjust so I’m grateful. He is also became active musician in church he is attending in there. A month ago, I met through Skype an egyptian lawyer.I entertained him as friend, but then I got attracted to him. I told him that I’m married and we should be friend only.I blocked and removed him from my list several times but i feel the temptation is getting greater. I know I’m not being faithful to my husband in my heart and mind though I didn’t give into physical sin but committed adultery in mind. I blocked this guy again and praying for God’s mercy and strength to overcome this totally.I’m one of the leaders in church, handling small group. I wan’t to be a good example to them specially that my group are single professional.Thanks for the help. God bless.

  • Tia Glenn-Cooke T. Glenn-Cooke says:

    Hi again Divine!

    I thought you might find one or two of these resources from our ministry here to be helpful!

    God bless!

  • Tia Glenn-Cooke T. Glenn-Cooke says:

    Hi Divine,

    That certainly sounds like a difficult situation. I don’t have a lot of personal experience in this area, but you say your husband is perfect in every other area of your marriage–it sounds like he’s probably a good listener! I would strongly recommend cutting off this old boyfriend for the sake of your marriage (it will only cause you trouble, as you say!) and sitting down to talk to your husband about your needs and desires. It’s not uncommon for couples to get nervous about talking about what happens in the bedroom, but it’s important for husbands and wives to communicate about every conflict. It’s also becoming more and more common for couples to seek advice outside of their marriages in this area. There are plenty of marriage counselors who specifically want to help married couples connect with each other sexually and I would recommend you and your husband seek one out. God has given sex as a gift to married couples, and it is a gift that is meant to be enjoyed as well as procreative! Talk to your husband about your feelings, I pray that you will be surprised by a positive reaction from him!

    Lord Jesus, I thank you for Divine and her desire to serve You and to live according to Your holy will. Please bless her marriage with joy and communication in every aspect. Father, lead her not into temptation and deliver her from the sin she is tempted to. I pray that You would give her the strength to approach her husband about intimacy and Lord, I pray that You would open her husband’s heart to her feelings. Help them to love each other better and to follow You more closely as a couple. In Your precious name, amen.

  • divine says:

    Pls I need d divine grace of God right now to fight dis overwhelming temptation to cheat on my hsband of 8years who cares so much 4 me and my problem is dat my huby does not satisfy me sexually,he’s very colonial and only does conventional sex,he has never fingered or put his hand in my vagina in d whole 8yrs of our marriage and we only make love once in 2 wks or more,I’ve tried to talk to him and even cry abt how sensitive and starved I am and my desires 2 get more sexually,but he doesn’t pay any attention to it. Right now am faced wt a situation where I’m going to be in contact with an old friend who is very sexual and does all d things I wish my huby could do wt me sexually,I’ve been fighting dis temptation 4 more than 1 year and now destiny is placing me in a point dat d problem I have in my ofice can only be solved by my old boyfriend.sincerely, in spite of my husbands inabilty to satisfy me sexually, I love him so much cos in evry oda area of our marriage he’s perfect,I need peoples advise on how to deal wt dis old friend wtout cheating,am afraid I will fall for him if iever get close to him,I need d divine grace of God and prayers please.

  • Stuart says:

    Hi Everyone.
    I’ve being there and got the tee shirt. For thirty odd years I was “in love” with this one person that I saw at school. At first sight I said I’d marry her, she ignored me for years and finally I went to counselling (after self harm and being on anti depressants). they said to write her a letter but not to post it. I said in this letter that I give you up and to move on and it worked for me.
    Please be strong and keep the faith

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Help, I appreciate your desire to be captivated by your husband and no one else. I also agree that the answer to this is Jesus. He is the one who is able to change your heart’s affections. Let me encourage you to be persistent. He is answering your prayers, it just may not be in the way that you are expecting it. One of the blessings of temptation is that when it hits we are forced to realize that we need Jesus’ help. There are some temptations in my life that have become a consistent part of my life that brings me to focus on trusting in Jesus. When the temptation hits I am immediately forced to begin praying and reciting bible promises about God’s help.

    Lord God I pray for this young lady as she seeks to do the right thing. She needs Your help. Restore her passion for her husband and heal the hurt that is in their marriage. Help them both to look to You for help loving each other and draw them closer together as they draw closer to you. Amen.

  • Tyeshia says:

    Hi. Just recently my boyfriend left me without an explanation. We had a minor disagreement so it’s kind of hard to understand but God is good and his strength is amazing everyday.

  • help says:

    I have always had very big insecurity issues since I was little and I think subconsciously looking for a way out because my marriage isn’t As good as I thought it would be. And I know its wrong but I do think that’s what’s goog on and I don’t know how to change it. I have tried so hard to find my security in Christ and its just not happening.

  • help says:

    To hazelle shank.
    I have talked to him and it just hurts him and its driving him further away from me and he doesn’t know what else to tell me and neither does anyone else. It is getting worse and I just can’t do this anymore. I’m starting to give up because I don’t know what else to do. I have reached out to Joyce Meyer ministries as well.

  • Hazelle Schenk Hazelle Schenk says:

    Hi help,
    My heart just breaks for you. As a newlywed myself, I am just starting to understand the incredible miracle marriage truly is and how much grace is needed in order to keep the relationship strong and thriving. Outside of what you already know, and what is written in the article, there really isn’t much left for me to say. I believe that the article written above really does provide some practical steps in keeping your relationship strong and preventing instances of falling for another person who is not your spouse. You’ve mentioned in your message that you are already continuously basking yourself in prayer and seeking professional help. Both of these are very wise decisions. One thing I noticed that you haven’t mentioned is whether or not you’ve spoken with your husband about this. I know that it would be a very difficult, even awkward, conversation to have — but your husband is your best friend and your accountability partner. You’ve vowed to love each other and help each other out in good times and in bad. Have you tried praying together as a couple? Seeing professional help together? How can he come alongside you as you battle through temptation? Do realize that your marriage, something holy, sacred, and an offering to God, is under attack. And the best way to respond to that is to team up with your spouse, and to work with the Holy Spirit and battle through this difficult time in your life together.

    If it’s okay with you, I’d like to pray for you too:
    Heavenly Father,
    Thank you so much for loving us. Thank you for sending your only Son to reconcile us back to you, and to remove the barrier of sin that separates us from you. Father, I pray for -help- in her situation with her husband. I pray that you would guard her heart. Their marriage is under tremendous attack and I pray for your mantle of protection over them. I pray that you would guard her heart, her eyes, her emotions, and the love that she has for her husband. I pray that you would lead the men that is around her and raise them up to be good men who would not be a source of temptation for her. I pray that she would have a Godly community around her that would not only give her the right advice, but also pray for her and her marriage. I pray for reconciliation in her marriage, especially in whatever strain this is bringing them. I pray for her parents as well, as they went through the exact same problem. I pray for an overwhelming sense of peace knowing that you are in control and that you are always there. Father, please hold her close to you, and reveal yourself to her in new ways today.
    In Jesus’ mighty name, AMEN.

    Help, we have online mentors who would love to continue on this conversation with you (it’s private and it’s free). If you would like to connect with an online mentor, you may request one here: Please know that I’m praying for you and that I wish you all the best. God bless!

  • help says:

    I am un attracted to my husband and am very attracted to every man that is my age. I have been dealing with this for a year and have been under prayer and counseling. My husband is such a good guy for me and we have only been married for 3 years. The whole thing is extremely heartbreaking and super depresssing for me to where it is starting to ruin my life. Im trying really hard not to let any adultery start in my mind or let my mind dwell on any guy or thoughts but it is getting harder and harder. I had to watch my dad cheat on my mother. I really do not want to repeat the sin of my father which is scaring me half to death. I never wanted to have any issue anywhere remotely close to it because I hate it so much. I really just want to see my husband and I last and be ok. I’m not sure why the Lord is not answering my prayers. I can’t find any rest in him over this. This is just getting way too hard on me mentally and spiritually. please help.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.
    Lord I lift up Eric and any other person who is going through this struggle in this situation in there lives. I pray that they will seek Your guidance and leadership in this matter. In Jesus Mighty name amen

  • Eric says:

    Still struggling today, still cant keep her out of my mind.
    Sometimes its ok, then at times its miserable again.
    Really doesn’t know what to do.
    she’s like a drug, and I am an addict.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Eric, I have a friend who had post-partum depression after her second child that has spiraled to a serious clinical depression. It has been over 10 years now and there has not been any medical help that has been able to effectively treat her. It has taken such a powerful toll on their whole family and her husband carries such a weight himself now because she is almost completely unable to deal with life at all. I know that he has found tremendous strength to respond to the pain through his relationship with Jesus Christ.

    You are right; the standard set is a real high one that is impossible for us to live by but it is based on the perfection of God. The amazing thing is He knows that we will never measure up because we aren’t God so He has sacrificed Himself to deal with our imperfection and then refines our life, our thoughts, our attitudes so that more and more we reflect His perfect character.

    I don’t know all the details of the struggles that you face but just like my friend, I know that Jesus can help you respond in the best way to your wife’s struggles. He can help you deal with your imperfections so that you can experience the joy of living out His perfection.

    I know there are some days when my buddy honestly does not want to measure up to God’s standard if it means having to continue being faithful to a wife who causes him and the kids so much pain. He says it would be so nice to be in a happy home again. But he takes those thoughts and feelings to Jesus and lays them out honestly with Him and as he does that Jesus begins changing those around. I know he doesn’t take any credit for being faithful to his commitment to his marriage promise but points to Jesus as the source of his desire to remain faithful and his ability to do so.

    I know that Jesus will do the same for you if you will let Him.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God,
    Lord i lift up my sisters and brothers who are going through a time of uncetainity in there marriage. I pray that you will surround them with your Love to them as You have brought them together as One under your guidance. In Jesus Mightyname amen

  • Eric says:

    Have not seen her for the pass 7 days as she didn’t join in the lunch group.
    Seem to be better but still think of her more than I should and the point I am counting the days….

    wife so cold, most of the time you don’t get an answer even if you ask her something.
    And the word FUN is no longer there, and we ( with children) don’t seem to be able to have any fun
    Almost guilty to have to have fun, with her around.
    Everything she’s not interested.
    I think now, if she leaves us for a while. We won’t even miss her.

    At 1st I did not know this is a Christian site, cos found doing a random search.
    I think the standard is very high, even if looking at another woman is consider as Adultery already.
    (no offence)

  • Concerned says:

    Give yourself to God and he will show you the way. I have been the married girl at the office that a male coworker has decided that it is okay to hit on. Let me tell you that IT IS NEVER OKAY AND NEVER APPROPRIATE! Really prayer for God to guide you in the right direction. Think back on your marriage vows, visit with your pastor or priest, join a bible study. Seeking answers to your current life situation in another woman is not the answer. I have been insulted that men both single and married have sought me out in the working world. I am remarried for quite a long time now. With my first marriage my husband cheated on me things were never the same again. After praying and soul searching for some good solid direction you will know what step to take next but the office girl no matter how cute she is not going to solve your problems. You will be in my prayers that you find the answers that you are seeking. I know this is a very painful time for you. Put your faith in the Lord and not the world remember this is only our temporary home. God bless!

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Eric, It’s not a question of perspective or gender. You said, “I don’t think it’s my fault if I do something” and that’s the problem right there. If you do something, if you pursue this woman it IS your fault because it is your choice. You are not powerless here; you are actively choosing which road to walk down. I understand that your wife’s illness is very challenging. You must be so lonely, especially with no emotional or physical contact. That is not a small thing and I’m not saying that it is not important. But what you need to know is that going after someone else won’t fix it. It won’t bring your wife back and it won’t make your marriage better. If you go after this other woman that won’t be your wife’s fault, or even the depression’s fault. You will have torn down your own house with your own hands.

    There’s an article on our site that you should take a look at. It’s called, “Help! My wife doesn’t want sex” and in the comments you’ll find a lot of other people who are facing the same situation you are. It is REALLY hard when that side of a relationship is missing. It hurts. This is why I suggested counselling earlier. A pastor or counsellor can help you and your wife and you’re both going to need help.

    Do not allow yourself to believe the lies that you can’t control this, that you are owed this happiness or that is it not your fault if you choose to cheat. What excuse is good enough? What reason would be a good enough reason for your wife to cheat on you?

  • Eric says:

    Sometimes I like to think that I am in control
    I can control this
    But I can’t
    Just got jealous heard she went lunch with other male colleague

    From my or maybe some man’s point of view
    I don’t think it’s my fault if I do something
    As depression
    Is not like any other kind of sickness
    There is no emotion or physical touch
    Everytime I approach wife I am being turn away rejected , I lost touch for how long already

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Eric, If your feelings are getting stronger each time you see this woman then your safest option is to limit your contact with her. You are married and this other woman is in a relationship. No good will come from making a move, only pain. The time to stop yourself from going too far is right now. Focus on your wife and your marriage. Is she getting any help for her depression? Has she seen a doctor? A counsellor? Does she need more help around the house or with the kids? Is she doing too much? Are you having financial issues?

    You can’t control who you are attracted to but you CAN and MUST control what you do with that attraction. If seeing her makes you more attracted to her then see her less. Excuse yourself from the lunch group. Call your wife on your lunch hour and see how she is doing instead. You are in control of your choices and actions. If you put your marriage at risk and make a move toward this woman it will have been your choice, your action. It’s not just something that happens it’s something you choose. So choose your marriage now while there is still time, before you have done anything.

    Marriages can survive depression. It’s not easy, but if you’re in it together you can make it through. In your marriage vows you probably promised to be together “in sickness and in health”. Your wife is sick. She needs you to stand by her. You need to stop thinking “what if?” That’s a dangerous line of thinking. It’s always easier to be attracted to someone you are not married to – they have no faults. Reality rarely meets that expectation. It’s not your fault that your wife is sick, but if you pursue this other women that WILL be your fault. It will be your choice. Choose wisely. Choose your wife and your family.

  • Eric says:

    I am too been having the feeling towards 1 of my new younger colleague.
    It’s getting stronger each time that I sees her, when she joins our lunch group.
    She also has a very close boyfriend.

    Wife been having depression, there’s no connection both emotionally and almost non for physical.
    I know this is not an excuse and it’s wrong and there won’t be any good coming out of this.

    But just can’t help to be attracted to her.
    Feeling miserable.

    Not trying to justified my action (non) but can’t help to think what if … I make a move.
    I know depression is not wife fault but it’s a killer for marriage.
    You just also feels miserable, and it’s also not my fault too.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God-Daddy,
    Lord i lift up all who read this article and that they will seek Your guidence in this article. Lord I lift up anyone who dose not feel loved in ther ralationship and feel alone. I pray that you will strengthen them under Your grace. In Jesus Mightyname amen

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Dear Scared, I know you’re not going to like this but please know that I say it because I’m trying to help. If you want to stay married you have to quit the church band. I know that sounds harsh and extreme but here’s the thing: you’re attracted this other man and being in band together gives you ample opportunity for that friendship to grow into something else. I promise you that quitting the band now will hurt so very much less than going through an affair or divorce six months or a year from now.

    People we’re not married to are a bit like unicorns – they’re pretty and perfect and fantasy. They listen to us. They understand. They never forget our birthday or leave a mess or claim they’re too tired to help with the kids. Someone you live with 24/7 can never live up to the perception of someone you only see a few hours a week. I can guarantee you that if the world was different you were married to Band Guy he wouldn’t be as perfect as he seems right now.

    So you need to make a decision while you still can. Do you want to stay married or do you want to pursue something with this other guy. You can’t have both. It might seem like you can for a while at least, but that’s a lie from the pit of hell. You can’t have both. When you got married you promised not to try and have both. You got all of one person at the cost of not pursuing all the others.

    It sounds like there are some issues in your marriage and I can understand how tempting it would be to want something different, something easier. But you say that you love your husband and if you love him there is so much hope for you. Chemistry is a tricky thing because we call so many other things “chemistry”. Sometimes what we mean is romance, other times, excitement. Sometimes when we say “we have no chemistry” we mean “you feel far away” or “I feel neglected” or “I wish you would notice me the way you used to”. Chemistry is a powerful idea but I would encourage you to dig into your own thoughts and see how you would describe these feelings of “having chemistry” and “not having chemistry” using different words. You can regain those feelings with your husband.

    When we’re unhappy it’s very tempting to think that if we could just be somewhere else/have something else/ be someone else it would all go away and we’d be happy as larks. It’s not that simple. Often part, not necessarily all, but part of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction comes from within. When me move into a new situation we take ourselves with us. You have to work on your own part of the unhappiness, even if your partner has work to do too.

    I know you will have heard this before, but it’s vital that you pray for your husband. Bring him before God. You mentioned that you’ve been to counselling before, would you consider going again? A counsellor might be able to help you figure out what has slipped in your relationship. This other guy isn’t the reason you’re unhappy in your marriage. You were unhappy first, and that let you be open to considering someone else. If things were good at home Band Guy would just be a nice guy, a casual friend, not someone who looks like a way out or a happier future.

    When you’re attracted to someone who isn’t your spouse you have to cut it off cold turkey. It’s somewhat like alcoholism in the sense that you can’t just have a little. It has to be none at all because the line between just a little, and oh no, oh no, how did we get here? is just way, way too short. You’re scared, and that’s a good sign. You’re still at the stage where you can see that you need to pull back. So pull back now. Choose your marriage. Find a counsellor and things can get better.

  • scared says:

    hi there, im a 33 year old married wormen, with 2 kids aged 4 yrs & 9 months. i’m in a situation where im so confused, as i love my husband, but i feel no chemistry towards him anymore. we fight alot, about nothing & i feel like we dont connect anymore. my husband doesnt think its necessary to go to church too often & always stops me from joining in meetings & singing. i am in the church band. he’s had a previous cell phone affair, which ended after counselling. he said it meant nothing & he was just stressed & looked for a way out. When i ask him whats wrong, he says its nothing-he’s just stressed & things. ive found myself very attracted to a guy 10 years younger than me & find that he has all the qualities i long for in a guy. he is so into God, which i love as i am so greatly involved in church. he sings in the band too & i feel like we really have so much in common. i’m so worried as i’m starting to think about him all the time. now that we play in the band together, ive found that we spend so much more time together as well & i feel like he feels attracted to me as well as the signs are there. please help me, as i going crazy with this, cos i know its a sin.

  • Sharon Sharon says:

    dear desertgirl40– prayer-father God i pray for desertgirl right now for guidance on how to speak to her husband and have a good communication with him give her favor and i pray for a soften heart for the husband and for this marriage to keep going i pray for a miracle for her i pray everything in JESUS name amen. i am praying for you both. love sharon

  • Desertgirl40 says:

    Wow, all so true! Communication is so key with your spouse. There has been some distance between my spouse and I and I feel like we need to sit down and have a real talk. I see good looking men everyday and it is difficult when things aren’t great in your marriage. I’m going to sit down and have a heart to heart and move forward. We have been married 19 years now but marriage always brings on new challenges no matter how long you have been in it, so pray for me!

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Thank you Me, that is some really good advice. I love your last line “When you’re in line with God and letting him break you when you need it, your actions will be directed properly.” It is true god does direct our actions, words and attitudes when we focus our attention on Him and seek His help in living life.

    Sophia, I would encourage you to make God the focus of your dreams. Talk to Him about what He wants for you. Spend time listening to Him speak to you through your Bible reading, prayer and times with other believers. Pray for Him to transform you so that you will be equipped to respond to your husband in healthy ways. Pray for your husband. If your mind is focussed on knowing God and follwoing Him no matter what, He will guard you from being consumed by ‘ideas’ that are contrary to His plan and purpose.

  • Me says:

    Understand too that these were days during which I was not in agreement with God about how my life should be lived. It is easy to live in God’s will when it agrees with what YOU want. Just this morning I shook a very handsome man’s hand, at church, in front of the altar. I said, “Your hands are sweaty.” He replied, “I’m eternally hot.” Many ways to take that. I opened my mouth, and God closed it without a word coming out. Just two days ago I prayed for repentance concerning this very attractive man, asking God to help me not go there because his wife is my friend. It was almost as if God had to prove it to me, that he was working on it. Their adult daughter was sitting there when it happened. I was VERY glad that God closed my mouth. I value my friendship with her far more than I ever valued his, and I’ve known him for 15 years. When you’re in line with God and letting him break you when you need it, your actions will be directed properly.

  • Me says:

    Sophia, that’s how it starts, the IDEA of someone. That’s a lie that Satan allows us to believe is OK. It’s just an idea, it can’t really hurt anyone.

    Torn apart, the idea eventually leads to an attraction to someone. If you do not actively resist it and keep reminding yourself you’re married (worse, you’re actually OK with the attraction), then eventually it’ll lead to you giving in.

    The first time, my also-married friend propositioned me on the day we were leaving town to move to another state. It resulted in me being very confused and moving back within two weeks to see if there really was anything there with this other person. He soon dumped me for another person who wasn’t attaching herself to him, and I got to watch that play out while we were all at work. Eventually he asked my friend if I would want to get back together, and my friend of course said no, but she didn’t tell him I was trying to patch things up with my husband. He fortunately understood the type of person the other man was and helped me to actually strengthen myself against it.

    The second time, also during a period where my husband was not giving me what I needed emotionally, turned into a 4-year emotional affair that was consummated on the night before he was leaving town to move out of state. (No, I really don’t like to move.) He thought that because we were both married that I would continue to be the “other woman” but the day he called me and asked me to lie to his wife that we never had sex, I was done. Next thing I know, she was ringing my phone number constantly, telling me I could have him. I of course at that point wasn’t interested but she was certainly interested in telling me exactly what I had helped destroy. It was the best thing that could have happened, because after that I was able to decide I would NEVER do that to anyone else again. It was a very high price to pay … years of feeling emotionally inadequate at the hand of someone who “loved” me, followed by knowing I had helped separate a father from his children. Nope, I am done. Won’t ever cheat again.

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