Help! I love my spouse, but I’m attracted to someone else
Dave: Well Donalyn, this is a gutsy question needing to be answered. I remember within four months of our wedding, doing the head turn for a very beautiful woman. You noticed and made some comment and at that time I felt hugely embarrassed that I had allowed myself to take note of her. Inside I was thinking, “ Well, this is crazy! I have this amazing, gorgeous wife. What would ever possess me to stare at another woman?” I felt both humiliated and confused.
Donalyn: It might help our readers to realize that men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding, and may get sidetracked by this high connection need. But whether male or female, there are steps a person can take to address this issue.
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Dave: You need to understand that being attracted to the opposite sex is not a new problem or one that is unique to you, and, yes, you will face it again. So you need to develop a game plan on how to deal with tempting or enticing people outside your marriage who start to catch your interest. For starters, it would be helpful to do a little bit of self analysis and ask yourself, “Why am I being attracted to this person?”
Sometimes, a little chemistry begins to develop between a man and a woman at work. You leave your spouse at home in the morning with major bedhead after having had a difficult evening the night before. Then you come to work to interact with this other person who is all dressed up and in the best part of their day. They are not battling kids or anything else, and they are just there looking so fresh and so friendly. That’s a dangerous zone to be in.
Donalyn: That’s right Dave. And what you need to remember is that you are only seeing the best side of the other person; you are not seeing their grumpy side. You are not seeing them in their worst moods. People forget that the person that is being a bit of a draw to them does have a dark side.
I remember a situation from when I was working in the tax office in Calgary. We were about three years married. There was a guy that took his coffee breaks at the same time as me. We often ended up being together with groups of people, and he was pretty persistent in his interest in me. I turned him down in his request to go out for dinner, saying, “I’m married,” and he said that he didn’t even care that I was married. So sometimes the attraction and the temptation is not very subtle and the interest can be extremely confusing.
Dave: It is not only important to look at why you may be tempted, but it is also valuable to understand that you are most vulnerable when things aren’t good at home. If the relationship is suffering at home, your primary focus needs to be on getting things right between you and your spouse, so you won’t have any context for temptation beyond the relationship.
Donalyn: That is excellent. We need to concentrate on our own spouse and look for ways to reconnect if there has been distance. Sit down and work things out, make apologies to one another and look for ways to start saying I love you on a daily basis. When we affirm and compliment our spouse for things we love about them, and treat them with kindness everyday, the relationship will improve over time. Work to make your relationship strong.
Dave: Another key step if you are being drawn into a relationship beyond your partner: break the silence. This means not only telling your spouse, but also telling one other person who will hold you accountable. As a matter of fact, accountability is a powerful thing in the life of any person. I have been accountable to another man weekly for over 20 years now. This is a real gift to Donalyn. We talk openly about our temptations and struggles, and we hold each other accountable to clean up our act and honour God with our mind and with our eyes. I think that every person needs an accountability partner of the same gender who can help you face the issues in their life, whatever they are.
Donalyn: Temptation begins in the mind, so we need to set a guard inside our mind. Noticing beautiful people in your world is inevitable, but you can’t allow yourself to dwell there. The battles must ultimately be won in your mind, by refusing to linger on tempting thoughts.
Dave: For that reason it is important to put boundaries in your relationships with people outside of your marriage. For as long as I can remember, Donalyn, you and I have agreed not to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are a close friend to both of us. We limit our contact with these people, and we never go out for lunch or for coffee alone with a person of the opposite sex.
Donalyn: And be careful about verbal bantering and teasing. Women listen for words. Be sure that your kindness isn’t being misunderstood, and don’t let any sexual innuendos creep into your jokes, or allow teasing to become an enticement.
Dave: Of course, you also need to draw the line in physical contact. While Donalyn and I are both compassionate and expressive people, we very rarely give frontal hugs to people of the opposite sex. Instead we just come beside them and give them a hug that way. You may think you’re just encouraging someone with a little hug, but that can be misinterpreted very easily.
Donalyn: When you are really being tempted, the best thing you can do is simply flee. Put distance between you and the person that is being a distraction to you and to your marriage. That is what Joseph did in Genesis 39 when he ran from Potipher’s wife: he put distance between himself and the temptation.
Dave: When it really comes down to it, God needs to anchor us in our relationships. We honour both God and our mate when we make Jesus the Lord of our eyes and our heart. Ask Him to set a watch over your eyes and your mind, so that you do not fall into temptation yourself, or become a temptation to someone else. Ask Him what steps you need to take to protect your marriage right now.
May closeness, passion, and faithfulness continue to grow between you and your spouse!
© 2003 FamilyLife Canada . Used by permission.
dear desertgirl40– prayer-father God i pray for desertgirl right now for guidance on how to speak to her husband and have a good communication with him give her favor and i pray for a soften heart for the husband and for this marriage to keep going i pray for a miracle for her i pray everything in JESUS name amen. i am praying for you both. love sharon
Wow, all so true! Communication is so key with your spouse. There has been some distance between my spouse and I and I feel like we need to sit down and have a real talk. I see good looking men everyday and it is difficult when things aren’t great in your marriage. I’m going to sit down and have a heart to heart and move forward. We have been married 19 years now but marriage always brings on new challenges no matter how long you have been in it, so pray for me!
Thank you Me, that is some really good advice. I love your last line “When you’re in line with God and letting him break you when you need it, your actions will be directed properly.” It is true god does direct our actions, words and attitudes when we focus our attention on Him and seek His help in living life.
Sophia, I would encourage you to make God the focus of your dreams. Talk to Him about what He wants for you. Spend time listening to Him speak to you through your Bible reading, prayer and times with other believers. Pray for Him to transform you so that you will be equipped to respond to your husband in healthy ways. Pray for your husband. If your mind is focussed on knowing God and follwoing Him no matter what, He will guard you from being consumed by ‘ideas’ that are contrary to His plan and purpose.
Understand too that these were days during which I was not in agreement with God about how my life should be lived. It is easy to live in God’s will when it agrees with what YOU want. Just this morning I shook a very handsome man’s hand, at church, in front of the altar. I said, “Your hands are sweaty.” He replied, “I’m eternally hot.” Many ways to take that. I opened my mouth, and God closed it without a word coming out. Just two days ago I prayed for repentance concerning this very attractive man, asking God to help me not go there because his wife is my friend. It was almost as if God had to prove it to me, that he was working on it. Their adult daughter was sitting there when it happened. I was VERY glad that God closed my mouth. I value my friendship with her far more than I ever valued his, and I’ve known him for 15 years. When you’re in line with God and letting him break you when you need it, your actions will be directed properly.
Sophia, that’s how it starts, the IDEA of someone. That’s a lie that Satan allows us to believe is OK. It’s just an idea, it can’t really hurt anyone.
Torn apart, the idea eventually leads to an attraction to someone. If you do not actively resist it and keep reminding yourself you’re married (worse, you’re actually OK with the attraction), then eventually it’ll lead to you giving in.
The first time, my also-married friend propositioned me on the day we were leaving town to move to another state. It resulted in me being very confused and moving back within two weeks to see if there really was anything there with this other person. He soon dumped me for another person who wasn’t attaching herself to him, and I got to watch that play out while we were all at work. Eventually he asked my friend if I would want to get back together, and my friend of course said no, but she didn’t tell him I was trying to patch things up with my husband. He fortunately understood the type of person the other man was and helped me to actually strengthen myself against it.
The second time, also during a period where my husband was not giving me what I needed emotionally, turned into a 4-year emotional affair that was consummated on the night before he was leaving town to move out of state. (No, I really don’t like to move.) He thought that because we were both married that I would continue to be the “other woman” but the day he called me and asked me to lie to his wife that we never had sex, I was done. Next thing I know, she was ringing my phone number constantly, telling me I could have him. I of course at that point wasn’t interested but she was certainly interested in telling me exactly what I had helped destroy. It was the best thing that could have happened, because after that I was able to decide I would NEVER do that to anyone else again. It was a very high price to pay … years of feeling emotionally inadequate at the hand of someone who “loved” me, followed by knowing I had helped separate a father from his children. Nope, I am done. Won’t ever cheat again.