Help! I love my spouse, but I’m attracted to someone else
Dave: Well Donalyn, this is a gutsy question needing to be answered. I remember within four months of our wedding, doing the head turn for a very beautiful woman. You noticed and made some comment and at that time I felt hugely embarrassed that I had allowed myself to take note of her. Inside I was thinking, “ Well, this is crazy! I have this amazing, gorgeous wife. What would ever possess me to stare at another woman?” I felt both humiliated and confused.
Donalyn: It might help our readers to realize that men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding, and may get sidetracked by this high connection need. But whether male or female, there are steps a person can take to address this issue.
Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss
Dave: You need to understand that being attracted to the opposite sex is not a new problem or one that is unique to you, and, yes, you will face it again. So you need to develop a game plan on how to deal with tempting or enticing people outside your marriage who start to catch your interest. For starters, it would be helpful to do a little bit of self analysis and ask yourself, “Why am I being attracted to this person?”
Sometimes, a little chemistry begins to develop between a man and a woman at work. You leave your spouse at home in the morning with major bedhead after having had a difficult evening the night before. Then you come to work to interact with this other person who is all dressed up and in the best part of their day. They are not battling kids or anything else, and they are just there looking so fresh and so friendly. That’s a dangerous zone to be in.
Donalyn: That’s right Dave. And what you need to remember is that you are only seeing the best side of the other person; you are not seeing their grumpy side. You are not seeing them in their worst moods. People forget that the person that is being a bit of a draw to them does have a dark side.
I remember a situation from when I was working in the tax office in Calgary. We were about three years married. There was a guy that took his coffee breaks at the same time as me. We often ended up being together with groups of people, and he was pretty persistent in his interest in me. I turned him down in his request to go out for dinner, saying, “I’m married,” and he said that he didn’t even care that I was married. So sometimes the attraction and the temptation is not very subtle and the interest can be extremely confusing.
Dave: It is not only important to look at why you may be tempted, but it is also valuable to understand that you are most vulnerable when things aren’t good at home. If the relationship is suffering at home, your primary focus needs to be on getting things right between you and your spouse, so you won’t have any context for temptation beyond the relationship.
Donalyn: That is excellent. We need to concentrate on our own spouse and look for ways to reconnect if there has been distance. Sit down and work things out, make apologies to one another and look for ways to start saying I love you on a daily basis. When we affirm and compliment our spouse for things we love about them, and treat them with kindness everyday, the relationship will improve over time. Work to make your relationship strong.
Dave: Another key step if you are being drawn into a relationship beyond your partner: break the silence. This means not only telling your spouse, but also telling one other person who will hold you accountable. As a matter of fact, accountability is a powerful thing in the life of any person. I have been accountable to another man weekly for over 20 years now. This is a real gift to Donalyn. We talk openly about our temptations and struggles, and we hold each other accountable to clean up our act and honour God with our mind and with our eyes. I think that every person needs an accountability partner of the same gender who can help you face the issues in their life, whatever they are.
Donalyn: Temptation begins in the mind, so we need to set a guard inside our mind. Noticing beautiful people in your world is inevitable, but you can’t allow yourself to dwell there. The battles must ultimately be won in your mind, by refusing to linger on tempting thoughts.
Dave: For that reason it is important to put boundaries in your relationships with people outside of your marriage. For as long as I can remember, Donalyn, you and I have agreed not to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are a close friend to both of us. We limit our contact with these people, and we never go out for lunch or for coffee alone with a person of the opposite sex.
Donalyn: And be careful about verbal bantering and teasing. Women listen for words. Be sure that your kindness isn’t being misunderstood, and don’t let any sexual innuendos creep into your jokes, or allow teasing to become an enticement.
Dave: Of course, you also need to draw the line in physical contact. While Donalyn and I are both compassionate and expressive people, we very rarely give frontal hugs to people of the opposite sex. Instead we just come beside them and give them a hug that way. You may think you’re just encouraging someone with a little hug, but that can be misinterpreted very easily.
Donalyn: When you are really being tempted, the best thing you can do is simply flee. Put distance between you and the person that is being a distraction to you and to your marriage. That is what Joseph did in Genesis 39 when he ran from Potipher’s wife: he put distance between himself and the temptation.
Dave: When it really comes down to it, God needs to anchor us in our relationships. We honour both God and our mate when we make Jesus the Lord of our eyes and our heart. Ask Him to set a watch over your eyes and your mind, so that you do not fall into temptation yourself, or become a temptation to someone else. Ask Him what steps you need to take to protect your marriage right now.
May closeness, passion, and faithfulness continue to grow between you and your spouse!
© 2003 FamilyLife Canada . Used by permission.
I can totally relate. I’ve been with my wife for 24 years, and our relationship has been mostly wonderful, albeit a few bumps along the road. But recently I came in contact with an old girlfriend, who also is married. Now, I can’t get her out of my mind, and I feel guilty about that. I don’t even want to have sex with her; I’m just aching to kiss her, and hold her. We dated when we were very young, and lived through some miserable circumstances that only we can understand. Now, I’m feeling like this girl is the only person in the world who really knows me. What’s driving me crazy: I think she feels the same way. We recently had a three-hour lunch, and I felt like a new man afterward. She seemed to really enjoy our time together, too. I’ve prayed, and thought through it, and still can’t get her out of my mind. It’s really causing some major mixed feelings. On the one hand, I’m very guilty. But seeing that girl again has re-energized me. After so many years, I’d forgotten what it feels like to be lovestruck. Part of me is scared to death that we’ll end up cheating on our respective spouses — and part of me is really, really excited by the proposition! Sometimes I wish I didn’t have morals; life must be really easy for those who just do whatever they want without being concerned about ramifications!
Thank you Kate for your prayer and advice. I continue to lift my needs to God, and ask God what I can do to help my husband. Satan does have a stronghold on him, enough for my husband to continue to lie, avoid, and act as if He has done nothing wrong. I appreciate the much needed prayer. I am hopeful in God’s plan.
Troubled Husband, I think that the person you need to talk to is your wife. It may be a challenging conversation, but it’s one that you need to have. Right now you have suspicions and you are living as if you wife is guilty of everything you suspect her of. You need to ask her and then prepared to listen. Find out what has actually happened and then you can start to figure out whether or not the behaviour is acceptable and what changes need to be made. You mentioned that you accidentally opened her messages – can I assume that you only accidentally opened them once or have you continued to read them? If so, be prepared to apologize as part of this conversation.
There could be any number of things going on. You’ll need to have an honest conversation about the truth before you’ll both know what happens next. It could be that her friend is going through a really hard time and needs some extra support. Or it could be that something that started out innocent has gotten out of hand. Either way be prepared to do a lot of listening. It’s hard, especially when you feel hurt and want to make sure the other person feels your pain. But stay calm and listen. Ask the questions and let her tell you what has happened. Once you have been open and honest with each other you can start to mend things.
Am happily married for 14 years we have two kids,till I got this suspicion, i have suspicion that my wife has a brewing relationship with a long lost friend according to her, this friend of her a he/she, I learned is her EX….ever since they got connected because of FB and YM, I accidentally opened her messages/conversation with this he/she, cant help but got nervous every time I read a message that’s full of cares and concerns for he/she, I thinks its not normal since my wife always depend he/she and my wife begins to lie to me, i.e. my wife told me that she had dinner with the whole family when they come home from the states, but it was only the two of them, my wife gave me an address to meet he/she it turned out it was somewhere else, my wife told me she almost got into relationship with he/she before, but he accepted in one of their conversation that he/she is her sweetheart before??? my heart and mind is already full of suspicions that I can’t tell to anyone…and I’m keeping it to myself I just don’t know till when,,,,,,sorry this not a comment but I need this space to let it all out………will somebody comment if they understand my problem????
troubled husband
Dear Ann,
First of all I want to pray for you,
Dear Lord, I lift up Ann and her husband and children to You now. O God defend them! Satan is out to cause much pain to their household and I ask that You please guard their hearts and their relationships! I know that Your plan for them is good, because You are good. I pray that You will build up hedges if they try to go astray and that You will whisper to each of them until they find Your way. O Father, if we ask for bread, You will not give us a stone and if we ask for a fish, You will not give us a snake. So then, in Jesus’ name, I ask for a restored marriage for Ann and her husband, for Your glory. Amen.
Ann, it is eerie how many of your circumstances sound very similar to what I went through with my husband: the distance, the defensiveness, the tossing of blame back into your court and then the non-believing counselor to top it all off. Since it is much too much for us to have any hope of dealing with it ourselves, cast Your burden onto the Lord. Lord, we simply cannot hope to navigate through such a miry bog, lift Ann and her husband up. Set them on a solid rock, and give them light for the next steps they should take.
Ann, I am so encouraged to hear that you just kept praying the whole time you were facing the counselor. What is the Lord saying? Do you have some verses you are clinging to? What is the song in your heart? Honestly, the matters of our husbands’ hearts are impossible to unravel, we need to know from the Lord what He requires of us and then only be obedient.
I also find it very fruitful to ask, “Lord, what does my husband need right now?” For me this does always come easily, since my needs seem so urgent, but I choose to surrender my needs to the Lord, trusting He will care for me perfectly, and then ask for Him to show me His will that I may be His hands and feet in my husband’s life.
You can also consider talking with one of our mentors. You can request one through http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor. A mentor would love to pray for you regularly.
For now, I want to leave you with this verse to meditate on:
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.” Matthew 5:9
This verse makes me think of a Beth Moore study, “Living Beyond Yourself: The Fruit of the Spirit” and since one aspect of the fruit of the Spirit is peace, she teaches about how there is a difference between peacekeeping (which is no good if there is no peace, e.g. “They say to My people, ‘Peace, peace!’, when there is no peace” Jer. 6:14) and peacemaking (which requires us lifting up the sword of the spirit and doing battle with the powers and principalities of Satan that want to steal the blessing God has stored up for us in our marriages). As I reflect on it, I am wondering whether God is calling you to take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, and do battle for your husband, breaking off any lies of the enemy and speaking truth, light and life into the broken places.
God bless you! I will keep you, your husband and your children in my prayers.
Kate
I googled the subject and this came up. I am in tears right now, and have not even read the other comments. I have been married for 19 years. We made many of the commitments you mentioned above. We have had numerous obstacles and trying times while we have been married, not as a couple but deaths illnesses, and financial which we brought us closer. When things were finally looking up, my husband took another position in his field. It was then I noticed a distance between us, and it kept getting farther and farther. I tried to talk, he denied, his behavior became so different, negative, as if I was a huge burden on him. Went to counseling, he said he was fine, it helped for a short time, then he was back to it again. I am talking no physical relationship for 3-4 months at a time, so I would bring it up, he would say something about “well I thought you….” everything was always my fault. I asked him to go to marriage therapy he said no. He stopped going to church, I kept going. 1 year later, I was still in therapy, he was still acting the same, distance, not touching me…anytime I tried to talk, it turned into an argument. MY therapist was a Christian, I kept faithful to the techniques and prayer. About 4 months ago, I reached a point where I just had to make a decision,my gut felt as if he was unfaithful, that there was someone else, his actions no matter what i tried kept reflecting as if he was very annoyed at me, and quiet frankly, angry that he was stuck with me. I prayed, the therapist suggested that I make a choice, I had to stop having these questions in my mind, I needed to trust him, go to him and say ” I love you, I want this marriage to work, I am concerned with the distance, if there is anything I have done to you that has hurt you, please forgive me, I want my bestfriend back, my lover back, my life partner with me” He responded positively, it was like a miracle. We talked for about 2 hours, we rediscussed our agreements and boundaries that were established prior to us getting married, and the commitment was there. The next two weeks we went out on dates, we made love 3 times, we worked out together, joked, he went to church with the family.
He worked 24 hour shifts, one morning, like normal, he called the house to wish myself and the kids a good day, it was a fun conversation, and the kids went off to school. I was getting ready for work, the phone rang again, it was his number, but as I listened, I realized that he hit redial on accident and did not know the phone dialed. I laughed, talked into the phone tried to hang up, it wouldn’t. I left it on speaker as I continued to get ready, randomly saying his name. I then had to go to work, and was concerned about the minutes on the cellphone he was using, going over is costly, I called the landline at his work, it was busy. I went back to our house phone, clicked it and his phone was still on…what I heard next broke my heart. I will try to me respectful as I write it on this page, but I need to show how detailed his words and thoughts were. He was talking to another guy, and I heard him then say ” oh yes man, I could not believe her, when I saw her again I just wanted to grab those **** with my hands and reconfirm those babies were real, oh what I want to do to those things, ha ha ha.”, I heard the other guy laugh. MY husband continued” oh man and her *** I want to grab that waist come up behind and *******”. The guy with him just laughed again. Then my husband ” I want to turn that truck around when I see her again and *******” That was all I could stand to hear, and I began to shake. I picked up my cellphone, called the landline he was at again, and another guy answered the phone, he said hold on. As he put me on hold, I could still hear my husband talking and laughing, then I heard the guy say, ________ The phone is for you. My husband picked up the phone, and I calmly said ” You had you cellphone on, I have been trying to tell you. I am really hurt right now, I heard your conversation, I can’t talk right now, but I wanted you to know your phone is on, and I heard more than I ever wanted to hear. He then said “ahhh come on, I was just messing around with the guys”. I hung up in tears. His cellphone still on I heard him say ” ha haha that was my wife, my cellphone was on, ha ha ha”
He did not call for the 24 hours he was gone, I spent the day trying to block out my husbands voice I kept hearing as he described this other women and what he wanted to do. He came home the next day, and instead of saying sorry, he said ” Just want you to know, I am embarrassed you heard that, but it was just a joke, we were teasing the new guy about some fat chick we saw on the street, and trying to make him think he missed something.” A complete lie, I just said, “I heard it the whole conversation, I heard it from the start, I know that is not what happened”, and I left. I went to my therapist, and explained what happened, I was broken. She advised me to ask him if he would come to marriage therapy. I asked him, he said he would but not my therapist. I told him, ok, he could find any therapist and I would go. He waited 2 weeks, I slept in another room, he did not talk about anything, I continued my therapy. We went to the therapist of his choice. She then asked if we would go individually for a couple of weeks, I gave up my therapist and went to her, he went to his sessions, and then had a couples session yesterday. She is not a Christian. Here is my struggle. I spent 50 minutes yesterday in a session. The question came up, if we were having a physical relationship yet, we had gotten along better during the holiday for the kids, but just put our relationship aside. I said no. She asked my husband, do you want one with her, he said yes. She asked me, I said, I was not comfortable being intimate with him. It has been 2 months of individual therapy, and we have not discussed “us” or what happened, and am not comfortable with him touching me. She asked why? Lots of thoughts went through my head but one popped out of I want our love making between him and I, I want him faithful to me, I want to be enough for him. I do not want him coming home to have “sex” with me, because someone else has made him “horny”, I don’t want to be used. She then proceeded to tell me that 90% of people in relationships fantasize about someone else when they are having intercourse with their spouse. It is normal for people to look at others and feel those human feelings, and then be committed to someone else, so they have the actual “physical part ” with their partner. My husband then intervened and said “yes, I agree with her” I can see another women and she can turn me on, but as long as I come home to you…I am faithful”. I then responded, ” so what you are saying is that it is ok with you, if I go to the gym look at good looking men, fantasize about them, and then come home to you?” She then said, well thats not right, that means that was your intent. I then said, so the conversation I over heard my husband have was not intent? She said, well thats not exactly what I am talking about. Then the focus went to me. So, what you are saying is that you don’t feel your husband is attracted to you anymore, and because of that , you do not want to have sex with him?” I just kept praying. I finally said “maybe its my faith, which I thought we shared, but I thought deciding to get married was a commitment to your partner for life, and that when the “act of sex” occurred, it was a special emotional moment between a husband and wife, something no one else had a part of , it was your special gift God intended for you as a married couple so I guess, this thought of getting turned on by other people and just getting off on your partner is not going well in my heart” Of course the 50 minutes was now up. I left having to turn off all the heartbreak once again, and be a mom, and pretend all was ok. I couldn’t sleep last night. Am I wrong? Any advice?
Lollie,
During the Christmas time often we feel alone and so we try to fill it with someone else. My suggestion to you is to look to Christ for your happiness as often what happens is that when a person is on the rebound all they wish is to fill the pain of their heart with sexual relations so they don’t have to deal with the pain that needs to be dealt with.
My suggestion is for you to keep your distance and seek Christ as to what he wished for your life. I understand the unbearable pain of being alone sometimes as I have been alone for a very long time in my life. What I find has helped me get over the loneliness is not other woman as God knows I have dated many only to have my heart broken but to seek his will for him to heal my heart. I love to read the Psalms and in Psalm 91: 1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I suggest also contacting one of the online mentors as they would be able to answer more of your questions. Your happiness is not found in another man who is unhappy that is a recipe for disaster.
God Bless
Ashamed,
Why are you committing adultery? You may not have psychically had relations with her yet however if you continue to see her you will and the guilt you feel will destroy you. If you do believe in Christ in Matthew 5: 28 But I say, anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart. I have one word for you RUN!!!!!! As fast and as far away as you can. YOU have no idea of the heartache that you will cause by continuing down this road.
Speaking first hand of someone who caught my ex-wife having sex with another man you have no idea of the pain you are causing. My divorce occurred over 10 years ago as I was very young and it was so devastating for me that I have not had the courage to remarry! If I was standing in front of you having a conversation I would not have very kind words for you as you are selfishly wishing to fulfill your sexual fantasies with another woman who is vulnerable and at the same time throw away your marriage vows.
There is hope and I suggest that you meet with your wife and confess that you have lied to her and ask her for forgiveness. If you wish to restore your marriage one of the suggestions that I do have is to read the Bible with her daily and pray with her. In addition have someone to hold you accountable either by contacting one of the online mentors or meeting some one weekly.
When King David was confronted by Nathan the prophet the consequences to King David were severe as when he was on his death bed all his family deserted him. They hired a woman to be with him to keep him warm and during his remaining reign as a result of his sin he had one of his sons rape his daughter. Absalom his other son slyly won over the people’s heart and forced his own father to flee his palace. To make certain that the people knew what an upstanding man Absalom was he publicly had sex with his own fathers wives! Sexual sin can be forgiven but what the movies and media never talks about is the stain will never go away and it is so devastating. Prayerfully ask Christ to show you wisdom on how to deal with this as a marriage does not end in one day but slowly is destroyed. The following is God’s word on sexual sin
Psalm 38: 3 Because of your anger, my whole body is sick; my health is broken because of my sins. 4 My guilt overwhelms me-it is a burden to heavy to bear. 5 My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins.6. I am bent over and wracked in pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief. 7. A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken. 8. I am exhausted and completely crushed . My groans become from and anguished heart.
This is what the consequences are. Christ DOES forgive but the pain is unbearable.
God Bless
missj
I am not sure if you have asked Christ to forgive your sins and accepted Christ as one of the Christian principles that Christ taught was for us to not fall into the temptation of intimacy when a person is not married. For the very reason that God wishes to bless a relationship and when a person makes a commitment to marriage before God you are making a very public commitment before Christ and others of your intent to remain faithful.
If after 5 years of having intimacy as I am certain that you sleep in the same bed then there is a fear of commitment if you were honest you would realize that he does not love you enough to make a commitment to marry but has no problem having sex. When a couple does have intimacy there is a very strong bond that is formed due to the hormones that are released during intimacy which is how God created us to be intimate through marriage. The monkey wrench that occurs is when we are intimate and have not committed our relationship to God we mistakenly think because our bodies have been linked together that we are a couple.
Most likely the reason you are attracted to someone else is you must know in your deepest place in your heart that your relationship is doomed for failure as Christ is not at the center. Often when we become intimate the lust wears off and then life becomes boring. We don’t want to go through the pain of heartbreak however you will never find true happiness.
One of the suggestions that I would make is that if you have not accepted Christ and become a Christian that you do so as Christ will show you what you should do. To become a Christian is simple prayer such as. Lord Jesus I pray and ask that you forgive me of my sins and that you enter my heart and I thank you for cleansing me from my wrongs. In Jesus Name. Amen.
One of the verses that I read often is found in Ephesians 4: 22-24
22 throw off your old sinful nature and former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24. Put on your new nature, created bot like God-truly righteous and holy.
I suggest that you do contact one of the online mentors who will be able to discuss things further with you and most importantly ask Christ to show you what you should do.
God Bless
Hello I can also understand the predicament that you are in. I have been married for 10 years and experienced a number of difficulties during this time. I tried to work at the marriage but he did not. During the final few months I found myself being drawn to male friend of mine, having started to develop feeling for this person I knew that my marriage had no come back( as during our marriage I have never had feelings for any other person). Since it ended my friend and I have both been drawn closer and spending a lot more time together we meet at each other’s house for a brew a few times a week, his girlfriend is unaware of this. I have never told him of my feelings as I don’t want to come between him and his partner, but I guess that has already happened as he is lying to her of his whereabouts. Then the other day he kissed me, and told me that his relationship is not a happy one, the problem now is, I don’t know what to do, do I walk away and end all contact with him in the hope they can work on their relationship? Or do I try to find happiness with him?
Hi. Thank you.
Now I realized it’s not only me who’s having this “situation”.
I have married for 4 years. I knew my wife since college life for almost 9 years. But recently, I found out myself has fallen to my colleague lady. I had tried to deny this feeling at the first time until she just broken up with her boyfriend not long ago. I had tried to comfort her. We went for movie for some times and spent the time together after work. The worst, I had lied to my wife that I was busy at work. It’s bad, and I know but I cannot help it. What should I do? The other thing is that, I don’t even know whether this is a mutual or one way relationship. Shall I ask her how she feels about me? or shall I just run away and try to build back the relationship with my wife? Everything is coming from me myself and I really ashamed of myself. There are another part of me who wants to go back to my wife, in meanwhile another part of me trying to denying her and asking to pursue the lady.
Ashamed and confused.
Hi. I have been with my man for 5 years. I am madly in love with him, I’m excited to see him at the end of the day and although we’re not married, I want to marry him and have his children and spend a happy life with him – we have a lot of plans together for the future. However, since graduating from university, I’ve moved back home and have been spending a lot more time with my old school friends – and this has sparked the interest of someone I adored when I was at school. He liked me too but due to circumstances we never really got together – I don’t even know if he likes me now. I have thought about him often over the past 5 years and have regretted that things never happened between us – but I was always able to push it to the back of my mind. However now that I see him more often I can’t stop thinking about him (I can’t stop seeing him because he is always there with all my other friends; I never see him on his own). I always see my boyfriend separately because he’s still at university and doesn’t have time to come to my hometown. I still love my boyfriend and I still want to be with him but my old friend is always on my mind and I’ve even imagined what the future would be like if I was with him. I’d be heart broken if I broke up with my boyfriend (and he’d be heartbroken too) so why can’t I stop thinking about this other guy? It’s getting me so upset, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know why I feel like this…
Can’t tell, I am glad that you have had the courage to start turning this around in your life by confessing here. That is an important first step. Can I suggest that you get in touch with one of our online mentors? You can share with them and work through some possible next steps.
Let me also encourage you to look to Jesus for help. The biggest thing that He can do for you is to transform your heart so that you will no longer be trapped by the desire of having sex outside of marriage. The Bible says, “those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun! All this newness of life is from God, who brought us back to himself through what Christ did.” (2Corinthians 5:17-18) You can also have that new life in Jesus Christ.
He will also lead you as you confess your infidelity to your wife. He will help you as she reacts to your confession. He will help you as you work to find healing for your marriage. At every step of life, He will be there to give your wisdom and strength to do the right thing no matter what the circumstances.
Let me invite you to have a look at a page that will explain what it means to be a follower of Jesus http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose.
I know it’s difficult when we fancy someone besides our partners. It is exciting because he or she is new. With this reason, I have carved it in my brain that I had this feeling when I just saw my husband. It was full of excitement and happiness. Now, I know him well. I don’t want to destroy our bonding. The excitement is still on when I think of our past, especially when I check our photo albums. :-)
I encountered a few men in my life who were similar to my husband. I had no idea why I liked them for no good reason when their characteristic is close to my spouse. Mostly, it was some more of physical attraction. I thought that it was so strange for me to just want a man for sex. Well, there was no sex, or any other contact. As soon as I detected my feelings, I kept telling myself that they were not worth to hurt my husband’s feelings, and my family. I mean, I put a stop on my urge. It does help.
I am cheating on my wife emma and I don’t know how to tell her. Please help.
I will give you another email address later.
lovie,
I understand you want to stay in touch with this man. He is clearly someone who was very close to your heart. But does your husband know you have been corresponding with this other man? If you are still so attracted to him, it sounds like it risks becoming an emotional affair. If staying in touch with this other man does not further your marriage it will not help your marriage. You need to make a choice for the health of your marriage. If your husband was speaking with another woman regularly, would that make you feel uncomfortable? I’m not saying women can’t be friends with men, but you’re looking to have a close friendship with a man you are very much attracted to. If you think about this other man all the time, and want to be a part of his life, you might be moving toward an uncomfortable conversation with your husband about this. This conversation is one you could think about having before this friendship hurts your marriage.
I’ve been married 14 years to my HS school sweetheart. I love my husband..he’s smart sexy intelligent,great man.. but at the age 13 there’s was this boy that i was totally crazy about i never forgot him…all these years I thought about him on and off over the years. we now contact each other via email at least once a week…I’m still super attracted to him in every-way. He does not know this…i don’t ever plan to tell him maybe- he may suspect… i don’t know but i love my husband to death but i think of this guy all the time…i want to remain friends with this man for the rest of my life…it’s important to me..is it ok if i still remain friends with him…does it make sense?
Confused, I would like to warn you that the path toward this attraction you feel for your husband’s friend is going to be a very painful one. Can you imagine how it will destroy your husband? Consider how it will impact your two children? I know how tempting it can be to pursue an attraction like this but the fall out of it will be devastating to so many people.
There are obviously some weaknesses in your relationship with your husband so rather than pursuing this relationship with his friend why not put your energy into addressing the problems you have with your husband? If you are feeling lonely you can talk to your husband about that and let him know your concerns. If you feel like there is not enough in common with your husband begin investing in things that you can develop more common ground.
I know that it is not an easy thing to put aside feelings that you have for this other man, but I would like you to know that Jesus can help gain control over those feelings. One of the promises that God gives us in the Bible is that “the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.” (1Corinthians 10:13) It is amazing the transformation that He is able to create in our lives when we ask Him. Have a look at a couple whose marriage was destroyed by an affair and how God was able to transform both the husband and wife so that they once again fell in love with each other. Their story is at http://www.powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again.
I would also encourage you to get in touch with one of our online mentor who can help show you how God can bring a transformation in your life and marriage. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://www.powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Let me pray for you and your marriage: Heavenly Father I pray for this lady as she struggles with these feelings for another man. I pray that You would transform her heart so that she is no longer tempted by these feelings but has a growing love and commitment to her husband and family. I pray that she would discover the way that You can bring new life to her and that her whole family would become followers of Jesus, committed to living life through Your love and power. Amen.
Seeking Grace,
I can’t tell you what brought you to those sexual acts with your ex-wife but I can see it has haunted you. It sounds like you are a very broken man at this point. Have you admitted this affair to your fiancée? If you haven’t, it will only continue to burden you. Whether or not you have, have you considered seeing a counselor? If you have spoken to her about your affair, would she be willing to see a counselor with you? You’re clearly brokenhearted by the actions you have taken. If you have avoided telling your fiancée thus far, do you think it’s wise to go into a marriage with a secret such as this? Do you think it would be possible for her to forgive you? Rebuilding her trust can be a long process but that’s not to say you can’t come back from this mistake.
I don’t know if you come from any kind of faith background but I’d like to pray for you. Lord God, I pray that you would be with this man who is having such trouble in his relationship. I pray that you would help him understand his actions and be honest with the woman he loves. I pray that you would keep him away from temptation and that he would be given peace in his relationship. Amen.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope you have friends around you whom you’re able to talk to. If you’d like to talk to someone online you can sign up for a mentor here. Our mentors are available to talk with you about anything you’re going through in your relationship.
I am engaged to the love of my life. Someone who I was with 14 years ago but we broke up because she left. We both truly believe that we are soulmates. We have been back together for almost 3 years and we have been extremely happy. I have had an alcohol problem which I have finally admitted I am an alcoholic and have stopped. However, I had an affair with my ex-wife during the past year; twice. There are no feelings of love for her. It started during online chatting with her when I was drinking/intoxicated which then led to sexual contact during the day when I was not drunk. How and why did I do this???? Now that I am sober I cannot fathom why I have done this; why I have caused this pain to the woman that I love. Help me to understand…
Ok so my husband and I have been married for 4yrs and it is great,BUT I am so confused about my feelings. When we got married it was VERY shortly after we meet and then we had 2 wonderful children. We never argue things are fine financialy and I have very strong attractions towards his best friend. Biggest prob is his friend has the same feelings. We get together at least once a week have for some time now just for the company. My husband knows this in fact he is the one that suggested it to begin with, well things have happend and well I dont feel so bad about it. I feel like I should feel bad but it is just not there. I find myself thinking of him on a reg. basis. I am sure that when i married my husband that this would not happen that he would be the one to complete me and it just did not. I have faught off these feeling b4 when I felt this way but this time I can not. At first I blamed it on being lonely due to my husband works 2nd shift at his job and I work mornings but it was always that way since the day that we met. I am not looking for a relation ship with this other person but just to feel his presentce. I know it is weird I just feel safe and with my husband I do not get feeling. It is like the marriage is for convience that I am supposed to be with a person like my husband but i do not think that is what i want I need more than what is expected. Its just that well his friend and I have so much in comman and have more to talk about. The conversations with my are just not there. His need for me is not in the manner of a wife but more of a mother. I just need more and do not know what to do about this situation. Do I continue to be here and play the care giver or presue my feelings of self independence.
So Confused, I am glad you have been able to be so honest here and I am glad you had the courage to ask for help. I can tell this has been very difficult for you. Our hearts are designed to be connected with others and when the relationship between a husband and wife is dysfunctional our heart is open to making that connection with someone else.
However you need to determine for yourselves if your first priority is to following your emotions or following the directives from God. He has been very clear in the Bible about how He feels about marriage. It is a covenant relationship that reflects the way that He relates to His people. For the two of you to be pursuing a relationship while he is still married is a blatant rebellion against God. It is stopping him from putting all his attention on strengthening his marriage. There is great hope for him to have a marriage that flourishes because both he and his wife are followers of Jesus. That means they have a shared value system, a common bond in Jesus and have the Holy Spirit working in both of them to transform their love into something that is beautiful and inspiring. But right now he is focusing on how to build your relationship and you are unwittingly enticing him to compromise his relationship with his wife and God.
As a brother in Christ Jesus, I beg you to stop this relationship now. It will only bring you both heartache and destruction. Even if you move to the other side of the Earth you will still bring great hurt to his wife and to yourselves. You will be hardening your heart against the Holy Spirit and develop a pattern of making life choices based on your own desires rather than on what God calls you to. And your choices will continue to mar the reputation of the family of God. People will see your actions and blaspheme the name of God because of you (Romans 2:24).
So rather than praying that God will bring the two of you together, he should be praying for his own marriage to be healed and you can be praying for God to show you what His plans are for you. I know this will be heart breaking but God has promised that “remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.” (1Corinthians 10:13) The attraction you have for one another may be very deep but God will empower you to fight against the temptation to compromise his marriage covenant.
Let me pray for you: Lord God this lady needs Your help. Guard her and this man to resist the temptation to compromise his marriage and their relationship with You. Heal his marriage so that he and his wife find the love that You bring into a marriage and can be a testimony to the world of Your transformational power. In Jesus’ name amen.
So Confused, let me encourage you to connect with one of our online mentors who can help you discover what the Bible promises you in resisting temptation. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Thank you for this article. I find it leaves me more confused about my situation than ever, though, and I seek some guidance.
I have been friends with a man for almost 3 years now, and we had become friends through our volunteer activities, though we did not get to see other more than 6 or 8 times a year. This man had been married 25 years when we met, and I had been with someone 5 years, though the relationship had been rocky with his infidelity and lack of commitments and had its major struggles for more than a year. We were still hopeful and trying, however. Anyway, upon the breakup of my relationship, I drifted away from my friends and activities for about a year, but this man contacted me with a special project and requested I return because they needed help. In all honesty, I found I missed him and my friends a great deal, so I returned.
We had never had anything but a platonic relationship until this past June or July. For whatever reason, even without realizing it, things shifted for us, and we grew much closer and acknowledged a mutual attraction and very deep respect mentally and emotionally for one another. We can talk openly and honestly about ANYTHING, we laugh A LOT, we can be US around each other, and have had many long discussions about hopes, dreams, philosophy on life, etc. While this may sound cliche, it genuinely feels like two halves of a whole clicking into place.
While he financially supports his spouse, that is virtually the extent of their bond for more than 19 years. They do not share common interests, or share most of the basic familial interactions like joint entertainment activities (watching a movie, for example, or eating dinner together), they do not move in the same social circles, other than “tolerating” mandatory obligations with his coworkers or mutual friends, etc. He has sacrificed often for her, giving up many of his personal hobbies and interests, indeed much of what makes him HIM, and dedicating himself to being the best provider both in material things, and as supportive of a husband as he knows how, often with personal sacrifice of happiness or a reciprocation of support. In essence, many of his mental and emotional needs have not been met, while he gives a tremendous amount of himself. He has done so faithfully and religiously because he made a commitment before God that he would, and he is a man who does not take those promises lightly. While I realize none of that is truly my concern, as it is between them, it just helps explain the situation of the players involved. His spouse (whom I know and also attend church with) has acknowledged that they are unhappy (even to me, in a fairly offhand manner she said that if it weren’t for sharing a space to sleep, she might not know she was married because they lead such different lives…) and has often said she wishes she could just find a way to alleviate the struggle she senses in him.
The thing is, I returned to my faith and my church in September, and he is very spiritual as well, so this gives us great struggle and deep remorse for our feelings and behaviors. We have talked about this a lot because neither of us can fight the connection, the bond, that we feel. This is not a physical attraction, though that is of course there. This is much deeper, and that makes it all the more difficult. For the first time, I feel whole and alive, and though I can’t explain why I know, I just feel this is RIGHT (and no I do not mean we are behaving right, or doing the right thing…that’s the whole struggle of it). I feel guilty even voicing this outside of he and I, but we love each other deeply. We talk of dreams and hopes for the future, and both pray that future finds us joined. We talk about both of us feeling like this is God’s will that brought us together despite diverging roads in life, the fact that the connection is so deep and so strong, that our commitment is already so solid, about how we pray for His guidance.
I am looking to relocate for work, and he has frequently spoken of joining me on that relocation. The thing is, I know that means hurt for his current spouse, and the dissolution of that marriage. As you can see, this has moved well beyond a simple attraction into much deeper and infinitely more complicated waters. His only struggle right now is A) us relocating so we reduce the impact upon her emotionally and socially, and B) finding the right way to tell her with the minimal amount of hurt to her, or backlash to me.
Where my confusion/struggle comes in lies in how we feel about each other and our hopes and dreams for the future versus the very concept in your article about working on the marriage (for them) and basically doing what is right. We pray that, God willing, we will be together and when either of us starts to doubt where we want to go, something happens that reaffirms our belief in each other, and our love. I want to follow God’s will, but I also know humans can rationalize and justify their way into–and out of–most anything so are we just convincing ourselves this is the path we were meant to follow? Or should I be finding the strength to walk away though neither of us wants that? Probably most critical that I try to answer…where does this leave us in the eyes of God? Are we the deepest of hypocrites? Confession becomes difficult, because how can you confess and acknowledge a sin, and then turn right around and continue the behavior? How can you atone for a sin when it doesn’t feel wrong, so to speak. I’m so confused that I am crying as I write this because I am not a homewrecker, I am not someone to toy with other’s emotions, and I am certainly not one who wants to see either of our souls damned to Perdition due to the weaknesses and temptations of the human body and spirit.
I just don’t know….
Lost,
My advice to you is simple: run. If you have feelings for your teacher and think that he might have feelings as well then tell your husband and then change classes. A little awkwardness now is so much better than doing irreperable harm to your marriage. You are in a very good place right now – nothing has happened beyond some feelings. So this is the time to talk to your husband. Tell him that you need to switch classes and why, tell him that you love him and you don’t want any threat to come against your marriage so you are switching classes, just to be safe. Ask him to stand with you in this, ask him to support you.
You don’t have to tell the teacher why you changing classes, but you do need to tell your husband. Let him be on your team, let this be something you work on together. Temptation is just that – it’s tempting. So remove the temptation and you remove the threat. It has often been said that temptations thrive in the dark. Pull your secret out into the open and it loses power. I’m not saying that the feelings will immediately go away, but it will help not seeing him regularly and it will help that your husband knows. You have to put up fences around your marriage to protect it and to protect your heart. Your marriage is worth so much more than a class or a crush. Take action now while it’s only a small thing you have to admit to.
I’m having a serious problem on my own as well. i’ve been married for almost 4 years and is almost 30. I’ve recently developed a feeling for a younger guy. he has feelings for me too. worst of all, he is our mutual friend. I know i should keep a distance but he is my music teacher so i go to his class every week. it would be weird to change my class (husband will ask why) but what can i do? it’s so hard fighting off temptations. we are both christians and yet we’ve both sinned so greatly. what should i do
Njabu,
It must be very difficult for you to struggle with your finances and in your marriage. Supporting your whole family must be very stressful for you. Feeling unloved in your marriage for so long must have taken its toll on you. If you feel like there’s nothing more you can do in your marriage you need to find a trusted friend or loved one to walk you through the next steps. You’re never too old to start making decisions that are healthy for you. I know it might be very hard to have this conversation but talking to your husband about how stressed you are might help.
You seem to have been having problems in your marriage for many years and I pray that you would have a friend or counsellor to help you through whatever you need to do next. Any conversation you’ll have with your husband will be upsetting but an upsetting conversation is better than continuing to feel so unwanted and unloved. I would also like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for Njabu. I pray that you would guide her through any steps she needs to take in her marriage. I pray that you would give her wisdom and encouragement to know what needs to be done for her in her relationship with her husband. I pray that you would help her to have any conversations with her husband that may be uncomfortable but that ultimately you would lead her to happiness. I pray Lord, that she would know how much you love her and care for her even when she’s feeling unloved by her husband. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Njabu, thank you for your honesty and if you would like to continue this conversation privately, you can talk to one of our email mentors. You can sign up for a mentor at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and our mentors will guide you through anything that you’re going through in your marriage.
laetiticia,
You have every right to be upset with what is going on with your husband. He has crossed many lines in your marriage and that is not okay. It must hurt to be going through that. As you make any decisions about the future of your marriage you need a wise and trusted friend to walk you through it. If you’re struggling, a professional counsellor would be able to help you through. Setting boundaries in your marriage is important. Your husband may keep making excuses as to why he’s talking with these women but that doesn’t make it right.
If you have someone who can walk through this with you, you’ll need someone you can trust as you move through this pain in your marriage. If you would like to continue this conversation privately you can sign up for an email mentor at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ where mentors are available to come alongside you through anything you may be dealing with right now.
Me,
Your partner’s attraction to this married woman at church is not okay and I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so hurt. You have every right to be upset. To me it sounds like you may have given up on your relationship. Being with someone who is attracted to another person is difficult at any age but do you feel like giving up now because of your age? If your partner goes any further with his attraction he could be part of breaking up a marriage. If you believe this is immoral you need to bring it up with your partner. Conversations that are upsetting are always hard to have but sometimes they need to happen. Even if you don’t feel ready to talk about it aloud you could try writing it down and discussing it over notes. That might make it easier to start the conversation.
I pray that God would guide you and comfort you in any decisions you need to make in your relationship. If you haven’t given up on your relationship, starting that conversation again would be a good idea. Let him know how much it hurts you. It’s not just about you being jealous, it’s also about breaking apart both your family and this other woman’s. In this time, I pray that God would give you wisdom to walk you through these difficulties in your relationship.
I appreciate the content of this article. I also appreciate the advise to distance oneself to the known temptation. I am very much aware of my partner’s attraction to one of our member in church. Initially, it was the girl who showed interest in him. However, the attaraction is now both ways. I can’t seem to get an honest and open discussin with my patner because it just turns into a hige argument. He denies his attraction, but the actions are obvious when they are present in the same room. I sometimes just want to back off and let it happen. The girl is married with one child. We are domestic partner with 4 children combined with 2 grand children. I tend to shy away from my partner when I see this happening infront of me. I get hurt and tend to just want to give up everything that tends to hurt me. I feel like I am too old to be playing the jealous person. I feel like I deserve better for all that I do to keep a blended family fair. Please help me pray that my partner will push away temptations. I pray that he fights the battle in his mind to remain true to our relationship and forget his fantasies.
i married to my husband for 6 years now and our big fight is always about girls.He wants is keeping contacting his ex girlfriend and friends of his ex girlfriends.we talked about it a lot, and he knows i don’t like that at all.i always catch him hiding and take calls.Last time,i try and checked his phone,i realize that is had been talking to the same girl for 5 months now.For 7AM TO 11PM they can been calling each other for 20 t0 30mins more and 10 times a day. when i do call at that he usually ask me to hung up if i don’t have nothing else to said..I asked him question about that girl and i figured out she is a best friend of his ex girlfriend and now that girl broke up with her own boyfriend and she does not have anyone who to talk to and my husband said :”SHE IS MY FRIEND AND CAN STOP TALKING TO HER BECAUSE OF YOU SHE IS MY FRIEND , SHE NEEDS ME.’”"
I am sick and tired of our relationship i am 26 years with have 2 kids they only 5years and 1 year old.Please help me.Since we married it always the same stuff off and on with those single ladies.PLEASE HELP ME, I desperate.
Dear Mentor,
Thank you so much for sharing the truth to us as people and children of God, I have gain quite a lot on your advice and other people,s comments. However, I decided to share the challenges I face in my marriage for over 25 year now.
Iam a born again woman – 51 years marreid to a born again man – 61 years. Problems staterd a month after were married, but I though with time things will change. My husband has never supported me since we were married even though I was not working, I was bound to see it to myself how I cope with all the demands of life.
I have now ended up withdrawing my pension in order to build our retirement home which he does not even participate at all. In short he is a man in bed the rest is left upon me and I have totally lost affection for him, to me he is just an ordinary man to whom I have no interest. Help me because now though am old but I still feel the vacuum of love that need fulfillment. How can I divorce him without embarrassement, something that would be between him and myself and possible open a new page.
God has blessed us with three girls; 24years, 12years and 9years of which all that concerns them is upon me, above all I take care of him and his mother who is aged, the grant to his mother he use over and above the monthly salary of R13,700-00. I am greatly depressed help me!!!!!!
Regards
Njabu
Hi Sarah. I know how over powering those thoughts can be. They are so difficult to keep out of your mind and emotions. I don’t know if you know much about the Bible but one of the most influential men who wrote much of what we have in the Bible was named Paul. In one of his letters in the Bible he talks about how hard it is to get those thoughts you know are wrong out of your mind. He wrote, “No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway.” (Romans 7:18,19) I know I can see myself in those words. Fortunately Paul doesn’t just leave us there. He then writes, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 7:24,25) and then later “God destroyed sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins.” And in another letter he wrote, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!” (2Corinthians 5:17) What that means Sarah is that when you become a follower of Jesus He changes you so that the things that used to hold you captive no longer do. Only Jesus can help you put aside the desire for an affair with this guy because only Jesus can make you a new person inside.
Jesus is the one who helps me to fight against the things I know I should not do and to do the things I know I should be doing. When my mind starts wandering to things that I should not be thinking about Jesus will not let that simmer away in my mind but He helps me to remember, “This is not a healthy thought!” and when that happens I ask Him for help in keeping that thought out of my mind. He will often bring saying from the Bible to my mind that helps get my mind on health thoughts. Sometimes it is “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise…and the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8,9) or sometimes it is “For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.” (Philippians 4:13) Or “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2Corinthians 10:5)
The more Jesus fills my mind with these wise words from the Bible the less my mind is consumed by the unhealthy thoughts and I am set free from them. Jesus has helped me and I know He can help you to.
To find out more about becoming a follower of Jesus why don’t you have a look at this site http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose. You can also talk with one of our online mentors who can help you discover how Jesus can help you honour your marriage and resist the seduction of an affair. Fill out one of our Mentor Request Forms at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
hi, im married for four yrs and i have one child,daughter, i have a boyfriend and i met him tru chatting, after weeks past,our relationship became more passionate, i know its not right but i think im inlove with him. i tried to stop chatting with him,i avoid myself to came online, within those days that i didnt came online,i cant stop thinking about him..i just cant, i dont know what to do,pls help me
Hi Ronald, you are right, family life is hard. Working through the interpersonal differences within a long-term relationship will always have it’s painful times. Add children into that mix, with all of their demands on a couple and you will quickly lose any romanticized visions of family life. And yet it is exactly because of those challenges that have been surmounted together and the security that comes from loving and being loved by someone who has been with you at your worst that true love can actually be experienced. If you are going into this relationship with fantasies of an easy love you are not only going to be disappointed but you are going to hurt your fiancé and your child, and you will never have the opportunity of experiencing the profound depth of true love. Don’t be fooled, pursuing a relationship your co-worker will eventually get to this same place and you will again be given the choice of rolling up your sleeves and building a true love relationship or find some new skirt to chase and leave another broken life behind. Do the hard thing my friend: focus your energy in knowing and loving your partner and child as they deserve to be, and from that, experience the best life that you could ever live.
God in heaven, I pray for Ronald as he faces this important decision in his life. Lord I pray that You would give him the courage to pursue excellence in his family life. Not only help him to put aside the infatuation with this co-worker but help him to commit to intentional building in his relationship with his wife-to-be. Inspire him to be a student of this woman and their child, that every day he would search out how best to serve them as husband and father. Give him the passion for guarding his family from being torn apart. Help him to look to You for help in becoming the man, father, and husband that You have called him to be. Bring people into his life who will help support and encourage him to make and follow through with that kind of commitment. Amen.
Ronald, there are places where you can go to get help for your relationship. There are some great resources available at our Family Life website http://powertochange.com/familylife . You can talk with one of our online mentors who will help you discover ways to be a great husband/father http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ . You don’t have to just rely on what you know but you can access all kinds of help and resources that will inform you on how to make that all important commitment. Do it today!
My situation is that im in a relationship, engaged with a child, and find im attracted to a woman at work, not matter what i do i cant stop thinking about her, night and day, I dont want to leave my partner and child, but our relationship is strained, money problems, etc, our sex life is none exsistant, and we argue pritty much all the time…I do love her but there seems to be this gapping void between us, she’s still in the place she was raised, i ditched my friends, family and whole life to be with her, and her family has disowned her for having a child and engaging me, and to be honest i dont want to be part of family life anymore.. Its just not what its cracked up to be.
Delorys, I disagree that you need to deal with this on your own. I think it is vitally important that you talk to your husband. I know that that is not an easy conversation to you have, but you are in a really good position here. You have identified a threat to your marriage BEFORE you did something that cannot be undone. That’s a very good thing.
You mentioned that you cannot ask your friend to leave. I would challenge that. If your marriage is at stake, you need to ask him to leave. If you tell your husband your fears it is likely that he will ask the friend to leave. I know that times are hard and it’s a good thing to want to help a friend in need. But if you have to choose between being a bad friend or ruining your marriage, be a bad friend. If there is some extraordinary circumstance that makes it so that your friend is tied to your house, then make sure that you are somewhere else the next time your husband goes out of town. Do not be alone with this man. Just don’t.
Imagine for a minute that you had a different temptation. Pretend that you were concerned that you might be drinking too much. The first thing your friends would tell you is to stop going to bars. Your husband would help you find all the alcohol in the house and remove it. No one would buy you a bottle of wine for your birthday. They would help you remove the temptation. No one would take you to a bar, put a drink in front of you and say “well Delorys you just need to be strong enough not to touch it.”
I know it feels extreme to ask the friend to leave but your marriage is important and precious and you have to fight to protect it. There is an article on our site about a woman who had an affair with someone at work and the long road she took to put her marriage back together. The first thing she did was quit her job. It was drastic and complicated but she did it because her marriage, even just the hope of fixing her marriage, was more important.
You sound like you have a great marriage. That’s worth fighting for. It’s worth having an uncomfortable conversation for. You have been very brave to admit out loud that you are tempted. There is plenty of time to keep this from causing harm, but I do think that it’s going to mean that you and the friend can’t be in the house together. If you tell your husband what has been going on he will support you in this. I do not know how he will react, he might be angry at first, but you are telling him that you love him, that you don’t want to cheat and I think that he will do everything in his power to protect you and to support your desire to uphold the vows you made.
It’s not often that we get to see the danger before tragedy strikes. How ever uncomfortable it might be to talk to your husband, I promise you it is a million times easier than having to tell him that you broke your vows. And it HAS to be your husband, not the friend that you talk to. Let you husband be the one you take into your confidence. He loves you. He will help you. Together, you can get through this.
My situation is a little harder because I’m not attracted to someone at work, I’m attracted to my husband’s friend that lives with us. My husband and I have been married for almost three years and have one child and while the early year or two of our marriage was pretty rough we’re at a very happy point now and love each other immensely. I had the problem with being attracted to my husband’s friend initially when he moved in but he needed our help and so I prayed that I would overcome my attraction and I did. However, recently my husband left for a work trip and due to all the time I am spending with the friend I am having old feelings dredged up even stronger than they were initially. I find him attractive both mentally and physically and find myself thinking about him far more than I know I should. I realize this is probably just a manifestation of me missing both emotional and physical contact with my husband but I want it to stop. I don’t know how to cool things off when he’s right in my house and contact with him is inevitable. Thankfully he doesn’t seem interested in me so this is really just my issue and I would NEVER act on it. I just want to know how to make it easier to endure as my husband’s absence continues. I cannot ask him to move out and I cannot tell my husband that this is an issue so I need a way to deal with this on my own.
Hello Odessa,
Well, what I believe is happening is that you desperately want love from a man, any man because your husband has called you “unfaithful” but the only person that can love you as a whole person is God. Then despite of what your husband says or does you will be satisfied in knowing that God loves. He wants to be your best friend and please be brave and come to him. You can talk with a mentor privately and it is for free by clicking on the link above ” Talk to a Mentor”. I hope this will help. God does love you
i am living with my husban for almost 5 years ,and recent a guy meet with me and he showing lot of instrest in me he always ,after me ,and i know its rong to fall in love with someone else beside ur husban,he has his wife and a daughter also he is marry ,like wise i have my husban and daughter,but before i met this guy,my husban always accuse me of being unfaithfull,which i am not,any help to my question
Hi Rich, I can tell this is an issue that has really troubling you. I think it is so important for a follower of Jesus to make sure that your point of reference is firmly anchored to the Bible. You can reason your way into all kinds of situations if you allow other factors to become more important that listening to what God is saying to you. Nothing that He is going to reveal to you will go against what He has spoken in the Bible.
God’s description of how a marriage begins is helpful for us in a western culture that put such a high priority on ‘being in love’. There is nothing wrong with being in love but that is not a prerequisite for marriage. “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and the two become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) The fact that you left your father and mother and joined with your wife is evidence enough that the two of you are ‘one flesh’. It has nothing to do with agreeing on what faith to have.
You as a husband are called to love your wife in the same way that Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
(Ephesians 5:25-27). That is not saying that the most important is to have feelings of love for her but to make the choice to love her no matter what the circumstances. You say that your wife does not share your faith in Jesus; all the more reason for you to love her in the same sacrificial way that Jesus loves us. The purpose of that love is to help her become all that God has intended for her to be. Your love could be the thing that would save her from an eternity of destruction being separated from God. This alone should be motivation for you to give all of your attention to loving your wife sacrificially.
I know that it is so gut wrenching to be in a relationship where you don’t see eye to eye. But you are not called to be the husband you need to be in your own strength. The Holy Spirit is with you leading you to reflect the love of Christ to your wife. “If you walk by the Spirit, you will not satisfy the desires of the sinful nature.” (Galatians 5:16) Your job is to live in such a way that you are actively looking to see/hear how the Spirit is leading you. The more that you are focusing your attention on knowing Him and knowing how He wants you to live in any given moment or situation, the more your life will be free from temptations that try to suck you into sin. And let’s be clear: even though this other woman is a believer, Satan is using her to bring temptation and sin into your life. You can try to reason yourself as to why you two could/should be together but it will not change the fact that to follow that path will lead to hurtfulness and sin. Don’t let yourself even toy with the thought. Keep your eyes focused on what the Spirit is saying and you will know the truth.
Let me encourage you to get in touch with one of our mentors who will help you to hold your point of reference on the Bible and seek to know the Spirit better. You can find a Mentor Request Form here http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God, I ask You to help Rich see the truth of this situation. Guard him from hardening his heart against what You have revealed in the Bible and give him eyes only for Your Spirit. Lead him into what sacrificial love for his wife is and through that would You accomplish the miracle of salvation for her. I pray that You would break Rich’s heart every time he thinks about his wife’s eternal destiny. Give him the awareness of how influential he is in the life of his wife and children. Reshape his passions for that ministry first Lord. He needs Your help. Empower him for obedience. In Jesus’ name I pray amen
I am struggling very much with this issue right now. I was married 15 years ago. I never had good example of marriage. between my paretns there has been 9 marriages. I thought I loved my wife when we got married. I figured this was as good as it was going to get but deep down probably knew there was not true love. 15 years later I have two kids. 4 years ago I was awakened by the Holy Spririt and am have been followig a pretty faithful walk with Jesus Christ with supernatural visions dreams etc. This has been a very diffcult time between me and my wife. She is a non-beleiver. I never thought I would be one to veer outside my marriage. That was for weak people. I was however proven wrong. About a year aso I had contact with a woman I was totally blown away by at a bible retreat. We met again at another bible retreat a few months afo and the connection was unbeleivalbe. i mean I could litterally feel the energy betwen us as we talked and sat next to each other. We have so much in common. What I have relaized is although I care for my wife and love her, I do not think I was ever “in love” with her in the true sense of the word. Our mariage continues to be a struggle but we continue on because we have kids. I have broken contact off with this other woman at lest three times only to find the both of us drifting back to each other. Nothing physical has ever happens but I cannot deny there is a huge connection, physically, spiritually and interest wise that my wife and I have never had. My heart is ripping in two and I am uncertain as to where I am going to end up. I am torn by what the teachings of Jesus tells me in this manner. But my wife and I have never truely been “one flesh” spiritually speaking. At this point I do not think she will ever be a beleiver but I know God performs miricles and all things are possible with him. I AM in love with this other woman. I cannot deny it. Six months ago my wife was on the verge of leaving me because she could not stand my beleif system. I just think it is a metter of time before our marriage crumbles anyway. We could hang on for 5 years or so but I think eventually we will drift further apart. In the mean time I have this woman I am madly in love with and she by all indications and words and actions is in love with me. What do I do?
Evelyn, Barbara over on http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/the-five-levels-of-intimacy/ left an awesome comment yesterday that I think will really be helpful to you. She made some very good points to another visitor. I have copied part of it here but you may want to go over and read the rest of her response over there. Here is what she said:
…. what I’ve learned is that love is more a choice through actions than a feeling.
After 30 yrs of marriage to the same guy, I can honestly say I don’t feel love for him every day. In fact, sometimes I can go through periods when I don’t have fuzzy feelings of love for him. And even over the 30 yrs, I’ve had times when I’ve thought, maybe he wasn’t the guy for me, or do I really love this guy? But, then I’ll make the choice to love him, and commit him and our marriage to God, and continue to do loving things for him, and the loving feelings will come back.
One day reading about love in I Corinthians 13, I discovered that none of the descriptions of love had to do with feelings. It was all about actions. Its the same thing with forgiveness. God doesn’t say when you feel forgiveness, you forgive. No, He says, forgive, whether you feel like it or not, and I’ll take care of your feelings. I took His word on the forgiveness thing, and discovered that when I made the choice of my will to forgive someone, He took care of the feelings. It didn’t happen instantly, but everytime my bitter/angry feelings surfaced for that person, I would choose again to forgive. Eventually, I discovered that God was faithful, and I no longer struggled with bitter feelings. God is so faithful, .. and will do what He’s promised.
Here’s what God can do when you trust Him in this. Start praying for your husband, and ask God to give you love for him. Ask God to open your eyes to the good, praiseworthy characters of your husband. Ask Him to put to death this feeling of love you have for this other man, and ask God to give you loving actions to do for your husband. I can guarantee that if you trust God with this, and follow through on what He shows you to do, and break it off with this other person, God will honor your obedience, and you’ll begin to feel love for your husband. What God asks us to do is not humanly possible, so don’t try to do this on your own. It can only be done in His strength…but you’ll be amazed at the incredible miracles He can do in you and in your marriage.
If you commit to this for one year, I am confident that you will be in a different place with your marriage, and how you feel about your husband. God is the one who puts love in our hearts. We’re the ones who choose to reject the love He wants to give us for others.
Glad to see this topic. I’m facing the same situation for more than a year!!! My husband used to be the focus of my life. I used to love him so much and won’t notice any other guys until my baby was born 2 years ago. Things just changed and my life was turned up-side down after we become parents. Of course, I love my baby very much but I just lost the “feelings” towards my husband which I’ve been having for more than a decade!!! Worse was that I’m attracted to another guy at work. This struggling feeling is really bad and I’m very upset!!! Pls help!!!
Marla,
If you are concerned that this person is a threat to your marriage the best, safest, option is to have zero contact with this person. Remember that when you look at your husband and when you look at this other guy you see them through two completely different lenses. You know your husband, you live with him. You know all of his annoying habits, just as he knows yours. You have seen him at his worst, just as he has seen you at your worst. You have memories together both good and bad. But with this guy at work you have no idea what he’s like when he’s tired, or if he has a short temper, or how he responds when he feels cornered. You’ve only seen a very small slice of him, and a professional slice of his life at that. It’s a totally unfair comparison. You can see the things that are lacking in your own marriage, the solution to fixing them is not likely to be found outside of that marriage.
More than just “burying” your feelings, I think you need to actively run away from those feelings. It could be that you are seeking out this other person because you are lonley in your marriage. If so, that is a totally valid emotional response and there may be excellent reasons WHY you feel lonely. But rather than just trying to band-aid over the loneliness, now is the time to address it. Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. If this isn’t a conversation you can have with him on your own, see a counselor together. As much as possible this is the time to be ruthlessly honest. What if you said to him, “I’ve been feeling really lonely and there’s this guy at work and nothing has happened yet but I’m scared that something might and I don’t want that because I love you?” This could be something that you deal with together.
You said that you feel like you keep giving your husband a chance and he keeps failing – counselling can really help here. Does he know that you keep giving him these chances or are you setting up a test he has no idea he is taking? Generally speaking, we’re more likely to get what we want when we say it out loud. We like to think that the people who love us can read out minds (and our hearts) but they can’t. We need to tell them. We need to make sure that we are inviting them into our thought processes.
Someone new is always going to look sparkly and shiny and perfect. It’s like toys on the shelf in a toy store – the new one in the box is always going to outshine the one you have at home that you’ve played with. It’s untouched, it can’t compare. But when you take it out the box and bring it into your life it gets scuffed up just like the one you had before. If you truly think that you might be in love with this man and you want to save your marriage RUN. Run away from him. Quit your job if you have to. Extreme? Yes. But effective. There is still time to fix this. If you would like to speak to someone privately, we have email mentors available. Simply use this form to request a mentor and you’ll get an email response, usually in a couple of days. Very few people go out looking for an affair. So often we tell ourselves that it “just happened” but the hard, honest truth is that it doesn’t just happen. It happens because we walk toward it, we ignore the warning signs, we sush the little voice in our head that says I think I’m in love with him. We take one step and then another and before we know we’re somewhere we never meant to be but our own feet took us there. You are not in this alone. God is FOR your marriage and I promise he will help you if you ask him to.
Hi: I have been married for 5 years. A year ago my husband and I almost called the marrige off. Since then for me its not the same. I try to love him like I used to but he really somentimes gets under my skin. I met a wonderful guy that has never hit on me and respects the fact that I am married but I feel like I am in love with him. I am not sure because I have a mix of feelings, I dont know if it is just loneliness. I know I want to give my husband a chance but frankly I give him a chance every month. When I feel that everything is going to be ok he does something to mess it up. I am desperate please send some good advice because I am a Christian woman and I will not cheat on my husband but how do I burry this feelings I have for the other person.
I am a waitress and i work next to a convient store were i go to get cigarretts, well a couple a weeks ago i find myself looking for this guy that works there because ever time i see him he makes me smile and he saids and do things that i like. I am married with 3 babies, and YES i love my husband but, and i wouldnt trade my husband for nothing in this world but i think about the guy that works at the store alot, i even find myself looking fr his car when i pull up at work. I then meet him in a store parking lot and went out for a few drinks. At the end of the outing we kissed and i liked it. I then went to my car and he ran to me and gave me the most patienent kiss that i had had in yeras. Right now thinking about it makes me fell so GOOD, i dont want to lose my husband i love him but this other guy stays on my mind.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, help me…Tell me what i should do. Please send me an email
Veronica, It sounds like you’re in a really complicated situation. First things first, are you safe? You mentioned that your husband had been physically abusive – you have both yourself and your child to think about. Is your home a safe place for you? If not there are people who can help, there are places you can go. I read an article that you might find helpful called “Does Forgiveness Mean No Consequences?” in it the author, a therapist and counsellor talks about how you can forgive someone, but that that forgiveness does not necessarily cancel out the consequences of that person’s actions. Sometimes the relationship has to change for a little while so trust can be rebuilt. Is it possible for you to see a marriage counsellor? I think it might really help to work through all of the emotions and the things that have happened. We have free mentoring available here as well. You can go to this request a mentor page, fill out the form and a mentor will respond to your questions in an email. I can’t tell you what you are supposed to feel, only you know that, but a mentor can really help as you sort out what comes next.
I’m going throught a very tough time right now. I got married at the age of 17 I knew my husband since I was 15. I am now 19 and we have 1 child that came about only 1 month after we married.the problem is that after we got married I found that many of the things he told me aout himself were lies I felt I married someole I didn’t know at all. I married him for all the wrong reasons because I wanted to get away from my mom she was beyond strict I thought at the time. When I was 14 I meet a young man and we have kept contact through everythng my marriage and pregnancy and I feel I am in love with him. When I was pregnant my husband cheated on me and mentally and physically abused me and I can’t seem to forgive him for everything he did. I try and forget but it causes me tremendous pain to know he hurt me tht way especially when I was trying to love him. What am I suppose to do or feel. I really love this other guy because I know he would never hurt me and only wants the best of me. He has never asked me to leave my husband he’s just always been there
Thank u for this. I’m going through the same thing except I was ready to leave And someone else was conveniently there to welcome me into their life but I saw that ‘not so sweet ‘ side of him before I made my commitment to leaving. No one is perfect and I figure I deal with the imperfections I know rather than new ones. I find that my husband does not follow the characteristics of men I date in life and I’m beginning to want more of that… Which is giving me difficulties.