Love My Spouse, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Dave: Well Donalyn, this is a gutsy question needing to be answered. I remember within four months of our wedding, doing the head turn for a very beautiful woman. You noticed and made some comment and at that time I felt hugely embarrassed that I had allowed myself to take note of her. Inside I was thinking, “ Well, this is crazy! I have this amazing, gorgeous wife. What would ever possess me to stare at another woman?” I felt both humiliated and confused.
Donalyn: It might help our readers to realize that men and women are built differently. Men are visually stimulated and women are more emotionally driven, so the temptations for a man to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex, based simply on looks, are far greater than for a woman. On the other hand, women are more enticed by touch, by closeness and by emotional understanding, and may get sidetracked by this high connection need. But whether male or female, there are steps a person can take to address this issue.
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Dave: You need to understand that being attracted to the opposite sex is not a new problem or one that is unique to you, and, yes, you will face it again. So you need to develop a game plan on how to deal with tempting or enticing people outside your marriage who start to catch your interest. For starters, it would be helpful to do a little bit of self analysis and ask yourself, “Why am I being attracted to this person?”
Sometimes, a little chemistry begins to develop between a man and a woman at work. You leave your spouse at home in the morning with major bedhead after having had a difficult evening the night before. Then you come to work to interact with this other person who is all dressed up and in the best part of their day. They are not battling kids or anything else, and they are just there looking so fresh and so friendly. That’s a dangerous zone to be in.
Donalyn: That’s right Dave. And what you need to remember is that you are only seeing the best side of the other person; you are not seeing their grumpy side. You are not seeing them in their worst moods. People forget that the person that is being a bit of a draw to them does have a dark side.
I remember a situation from when I was working in the tax office in Calgary. We were about three years married. There was a guy that took his coffee breaks at the same time as me. We often ended up being together with groups of people, and he was pretty persistent in his interest in me. I turned him down in his request to go out for dinner, saying, “I’m married,” and he said that he didn’t even care that I was married. So sometimes the attraction and the temptation is not very subtle and the interest can be extremely confusing.
Dave: It is not only important to look at why you may be tempted, but it is also valuable to understand that you are most vulnerable when things aren’t good at home. If the relationship is suffering at home, your primary focus needs to be on getting things right between you and your spouse, so you won’t have any context for temptation beyond the relationship.
Donalyn: That is excellent. We need to concentrate on our own spouse and look for ways to reconnect if there has been distance. Sit down and work things out, make apologies to one another and look for ways to start saying I love you on a daily basis. When we affirm and compliment our spouse for things we love about them, and treat them with kindness everyday, the relationship will improve over time. Work to make your relationship strong.
Dave: Another key step if you are being drawn into a relationship beyond your partner: break the silence. This means not only telling your spouse, but also telling one other person who will hold you accountable. As a matter of fact, accountability is a powerful thing in the life of any person. I have been accountable to another man weekly for over 20 years now. This is a real gift to Donalyn. We talk openly about our temptations and struggles, and we hold each other accountable to clean up our act and honour God with our mind and with our eyes. I think that every person needs an accountability partner of the same gender who can help you face the issues in their life, whatever they are.
Donalyn: Temptation begins in the mind, so we need to set a guard inside our mind. Noticing beautiful people in your world is inevitable, but you can’t allow yourself to dwell there. The battles must ultimately be won in your mind, by refusing to linger on tempting thoughts.
Dave: For that reason it is important to put boundaries in your relationships with people outside of your marriage. For as long as I can remember, Donalyn, you and I have agreed not to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex unless they are a close friend to both of us. We limit our contact with these people, and we never go out for lunch or for coffee alone with a person of the opposite sex.
Donalyn: And be careful about verbal bantering and teasing. Women listen for words. Be sure that your kindness isn’t being misunderstood, and don’t let any sexual innuendos creep into your jokes, or allow teasing to become an enticement.
Dave: Of course, you also need to draw the line in physical contact. While Donalyn and I are both compassionate and expressive people, we very rarely give frontal hugs to people of the opposite sex. Instead we just come beside them and give them a hug that way. You may think you’re just encouraging someone with a little hug, but that can be misinterpreted very easily.
Donalyn: When you are really being tempted, the best thing you can do is simply flee. Put distance between you and the person that is being a distraction to you and to your marriage. That is what Joseph did in Genesis 39 when he ran from Potipher’s wife: he put distance between himself and the temptation.
Dave: When it really comes down to it, God needs to anchor us in our relationships. We honour both God and our mate when we make Jesus the Lord of our eyes and our heart. Ask Him to set a watch over your eyes and your mind, so that you do not fall into temptation yourself, or become a temptation to someone else. Ask Him what steps you need to take to protect your marriage right now.
May closeness, passion, and faithfulness continue to grow between you and your spouse!
© 2003 FamilyLife Canada . Used by permission.
Hi Eric, I have a friend who had post-partum depression after her second child that has spiraled to a serious clinical depression. It has been over 10 years now and there has not been any medical help that has been able to effectively treat her. It has taken such a powerful toll on their whole family and her husband carries such a weight himself now because she is almost completely unable to deal with life at all. I know that he has found tremendous strength to respond to the pain through his relationship with Jesus Christ.
You are right; the standard set is a real high one that is impossible for us to live by but it is based on the perfection of God. The amazing thing is He knows that we will never measure up because we aren’t God so He has sacrificed Himself to deal with our imperfection and then refines our life, our thoughts, our attitudes so that more and more we reflect His perfect character.
I don’t know all the details of the struggles that you face but just like my friend, I know that Jesus can help you respond in the best way to your wife’s struggles. He can help you deal with your imperfections so that you can experience the joy of living out His perfection.
I know there are some days when my buddy honestly does not want to measure up to God’s standard if it means having to continue being faithful to a wife who causes him and the kids so much pain. He says it would be so nice to be in a happy home again. But he takes those thoughts and feelings to Jesus and lays them out honestly with Him and as he does that Jesus begins changing those around. I know he doesn’t take any credit for being faithful to his commitment to his marriage promise but points to Jesus as the source of his desire to remain faithful and his ability to do so.
I know that Jesus will do the same for you if you will let Him.
Dear Father God,
Lord i lift up my sisters and brothers who are going through a time of uncetainity in there marriage. I pray that you will surround them with your Love to them as You have brought them together as One under your guidance. In Jesus Mightyname amen
Have not seen her for the pass 7 days as she didn’t join in the lunch group.
Seem to be better but still think of her more than I should and the point I am counting the days….
wife so cold, most of the time you don’t get an answer even if you ask her something.
And the word FUN is no longer there, and we ( with children) don’t seem to be able to have any fun
Almost guilty to have to have fun, with her around.
Everything she’s not interested.
I think now, if she leaves us for a while. We won’t even miss her.
At 1st I did not know this is a Christian site, cos found doing a random search.
I think the standard is very high, even if looking at another woman is consider as Adultery already.
(no offence)
Eric,
Give yourself to God and he will show you the way. I have been the married girl at the office that a male coworker has decided that it is okay to hit on. Let me tell you that IT IS NEVER OKAY AND NEVER APPROPRIATE! Really prayer for God to guide you in the right direction. Think back on your marriage vows, visit with your pastor or priest, join a bible study. Seeking answers to your current life situation in another woman is not the answer. I have been insulted that men both single and married have sought me out in the working world. I am remarried for quite a long time now. With my first marriage my husband cheated on me things were never the same again. After praying and soul searching for some good solid direction you will know what step to take next but the office girl no matter how cute she is not going to solve your problems. You will be in my prayers that you find the answers that you are seeking. I know this is a very painful time for you. Put your faith in the Lord and not the world remember this is only our temporary home. God bless!
Eric, It’s not a question of perspective or gender. You said, “I don’t think it’s my fault if I do something” and that’s the problem right there. If you do something, if you pursue this woman it IS your fault because it is your choice. You are not powerless here; you are actively choosing which road to walk down. I understand that your wife’s illness is very challenging. You must be so lonely, especially with no emotional or physical contact. That is not a small thing and I’m not saying that it is not important. But what you need to know is that going after someone else won’t fix it. It won’t bring your wife back and it won’t make your marriage better. If you go after this other woman that won’t be your wife’s fault, or even the depression’s fault. You will have torn down your own house with your own hands.
There’s an article on our site that you should take a look at. It’s called, “Help! My wife doesn’t want sex” and in the comments you’ll find a lot of other people who are facing the same situation you are. It is REALLY hard when that side of a relationship is missing. It hurts. This is why I suggested counselling earlier. A pastor or counsellor can help you and your wife and you’re both going to need help.
Do not allow yourself to believe the lies that you can’t control this, that you are owed this happiness or that is it not your fault if you choose to cheat. What excuse is good enough? What reason would be a good enough reason for your wife to cheat on you?
Sometimes I like to think that I am in control
I can control this
But I can’t
Just got jealous heard she went lunch with other male colleague
From my or maybe some man’s point of view
I don’t think it’s my fault if I do something
As depression
Is not like any other kind of sickness
There is no emotion or physical touch
Everytime I approach wife I am being turn away rejected , I lost touch for how long already
Hi Eric, If your feelings are getting stronger each time you see this woman then your safest option is to limit your contact with her. You are married and this other woman is in a relationship. No good will come from making a move, only pain. The time to stop yourself from going too far is right now. Focus on your wife and your marriage. Is she getting any help for her depression? Has she seen a doctor? A counsellor? Does she need more help around the house or with the kids? Is she doing too much? Are you having financial issues?
You can’t control who you are attracted to but you CAN and MUST control what you do with that attraction. If seeing her makes you more attracted to her then see her less. Excuse yourself from the lunch group. Call your wife on your lunch hour and see how she is doing instead. You are in control of your choices and actions. If you put your marriage at risk and make a move toward this woman it will have been your choice, your action. It’s not just something that happens it’s something you choose. So choose your marriage now while there is still time, before you have done anything.
Marriages can survive depression. It’s not easy, but if you’re in it together you can make it through. In your marriage vows you probably promised to be together “in sickness and in health”. Your wife is sick. She needs you to stand by her. You need to stop thinking “what if?” That’s a dangerous line of thinking. It’s always easier to be attracted to someone you are not married to – they have no faults. Reality rarely meets that expectation. It’s not your fault that your wife is sick, but if you pursue this other women that WILL be your fault. It will be your choice. Choose wisely. Choose your wife and your family.
I am too been having the feeling towards 1 of my new younger colleague.
It’s getting stronger each time that I sees her, when she joins our lunch group.
She also has a very close boyfriend.
Wife been having depression, there’s no connection both emotionally and almost non for physical.
I know this is not an excuse and it’s wrong and there won’t be any good coming out of this.
But just can’t help to be attracted to her.
Feeling miserable.
Not trying to justified my action (non) but can’t help to think what if … I make a move.
I know depression is not wife fault but it’s a killer for marriage.
You just also feels miserable, and it’s also not my fault too.
Dear Father God-Daddy,
Lord i lift up all who read this article and that they will seek Your guidence in this article. Lord I lift up anyone who dose not feel loved in ther ralationship and feel alone. I pray that you will strengthen them under Your grace. In Jesus Mightyname amen
Dear Scared, I know you’re not going to like this but please know that I say it because I’m trying to help. If you want to stay married you have to quit the church band. I know that sounds harsh and extreme but here’s the thing: you’re attracted this other man and being in band together gives you ample opportunity for that friendship to grow into something else. I promise you that quitting the band now will hurt so very much less than going through an affair or divorce six months or a year from now.
People we’re not married to are a bit like unicorns – they’re pretty and perfect and fantasy. They listen to us. They understand. They never forget our birthday or leave a mess or claim they’re too tired to help with the kids. Someone you live with 24/7 can never live up to the perception of someone you only see a few hours a week. I can guarantee you that if the world was different you were married to Band Guy he wouldn’t be as perfect as he seems right now.
So you need to make a decision while you still can. Do you want to stay married or do you want to pursue something with this other guy. You can’t have both. It might seem like you can for a while at least, but that’s a lie from the pit of hell. You can’t have both. When you got married you promised not to try and have both. You got all of one person at the cost of not pursuing all the others.
It sounds like there are some issues in your marriage and I can understand how tempting it would be to want something different, something easier. But you say that you love your husband and if you love him there is so much hope for you. Chemistry is a tricky thing because we call so many other things “chemistry”. Sometimes what we mean is romance, other times, excitement. Sometimes when we say “we have no chemistry” we mean “you feel far away” or “I feel neglected” or “I wish you would notice me the way you used to”. Chemistry is a powerful idea but I would encourage you to dig into your own thoughts and see how you would describe these feelings of “having chemistry” and “not having chemistry” using different words. You can regain those feelings with your husband.
When we’re unhappy it’s very tempting to think that if we could just be somewhere else/have something else/ be someone else it would all go away and we’d be happy as larks. It’s not that simple. Often part, not necessarily all, but part of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction comes from within. When me move into a new situation we take ourselves with us. You have to work on your own part of the unhappiness, even if your partner has work to do too.
I know you will have heard this before, but it’s vital that you pray for your husband. Bring him before God. You mentioned that you’ve been to counselling before, would you consider going again? A counsellor might be able to help you figure out what has slipped in your relationship. This other guy isn’t the reason you’re unhappy in your marriage. You were unhappy first, and that let you be open to considering someone else. If things were good at home Band Guy would just be a nice guy, a casual friend, not someone who looks like a way out or a happier future.
When you’re attracted to someone who isn’t your spouse you have to cut it off cold turkey. It’s somewhat like alcoholism in the sense that you can’t just have a little. It has to be none at all because the line between just a little, and oh no, oh no, how did we get here? is just way, way too short. You’re scared, and that’s a good sign. You’re still at the stage where you can see that you need to pull back. So pull back now. Choose your marriage. Find a counsellor and things can get better.
hi there, im a 33 year old married wormen, with 2 kids aged 4 yrs & 9 months. i’m in a situation where im so confused, as i love my husband, but i feel no chemistry towards him anymore. we fight alot, about nothing & i feel like we dont connect anymore. my husband doesnt think its necessary to go to church too often & always stops me from joining in meetings & singing. i am in the church band. he’s had a previous cell phone affair, which ended after counselling. he said it meant nothing & he was just stressed & looked for a way out. When i ask him whats wrong, he says its nothing-he’s just stressed & things. ive found myself very attracted to a guy 10 years younger than me & find that he has all the qualities i long for in a guy. he is so into God, which i love as i am so greatly involved in church. he sings in the band too & i feel like we really have so much in common. i’m so worried as i’m starting to think about him all the time. now that we play in the band together, ive found that we spend so much more time together as well & i feel like he feels attracted to me as well as the signs are there. please help me, as i going crazy with this, cos i know its a sin.
dear desertgirl40– prayer-father God i pray for desertgirl right now for guidance on how to speak to her husband and have a good communication with him give her favor and i pray for a soften heart for the husband and for this marriage to keep going i pray for a miracle for her i pray everything in JESUS name amen. i am praying for you both. love sharon
Wow, all so true! Communication is so key with your spouse. There has been some distance between my spouse and I and I feel like we need to sit down and have a real talk. I see good looking men everyday and it is difficult when things aren’t great in your marriage. I’m going to sit down and have a heart to heart and move forward. We have been married 19 years now but marriage always brings on new challenges no matter how long you have been in it, so pray for me!
Thank you Me, that is some really good advice. I love your last line “When you’re in line with God and letting him break you when you need it, your actions will be directed properly.” It is true god does direct our actions, words and attitudes when we focus our attention on Him and seek His help in living life.
Sophia, I would encourage you to make God the focus of your dreams. Talk to Him about what He wants for you. Spend time listening to Him speak to you through your Bible reading, prayer and times with other believers. Pray for Him to transform you so that you will be equipped to respond to your husband in healthy ways. Pray for your husband. If your mind is focussed on knowing God and follwoing Him no matter what, He will guard you from being consumed by ‘ideas’ that are contrary to His plan and purpose.
Understand too that these were days during which I was not in agreement with God about how my life should be lived. It is easy to live in God’s will when it agrees with what YOU want. Just this morning I shook a very handsome man’s hand, at church, in front of the altar. I said, “Your hands are sweaty.” He replied, “I’m eternally hot.” Many ways to take that. I opened my mouth, and God closed it without a word coming out. Just two days ago I prayed for repentance concerning this very attractive man, asking God to help me not go there because his wife is my friend. It was almost as if God had to prove it to me, that he was working on it. Their adult daughter was sitting there when it happened. I was VERY glad that God closed my mouth. I value my friendship with her far more than I ever valued his, and I’ve known him for 15 years. When you’re in line with God and letting him break you when you need it, your actions will be directed properly.
Sophia, that’s how it starts, the IDEA of someone. That’s a lie that Satan allows us to believe is OK. It’s just an idea, it can’t really hurt anyone.
Torn apart, the idea eventually leads to an attraction to someone. If you do not actively resist it and keep reminding yourself you’re married (worse, you’re actually OK with the attraction), then eventually it’ll lead to you giving in.
The first time, my also-married friend propositioned me on the day we were leaving town to move to another state. It resulted in me being very confused and moving back within two weeks to see if there really was anything there with this other person. He soon dumped me for another person who wasn’t attaching herself to him, and I got to watch that play out while we were all at work. Eventually he asked my friend if I would want to get back together, and my friend of course said no, but she didn’t tell him I was trying to patch things up with my husband. He fortunately understood the type of person the other man was and helped me to actually strengthen myself against it.
The second time, also during a period where my husband was not giving me what I needed emotionally, turned into a 4-year emotional affair that was consummated on the night before he was leaving town to move out of state. (No, I really don’t like to move.) He thought that because we were both married that I would continue to be the “other woman” but the day he called me and asked me to lie to his wife that we never had sex, I was done. Next thing I know, she was ringing my phone number constantly, telling me I could have him. I of course at that point wasn’t interested but she was certainly interested in telling me exactly what I had helped destroy. It was the best thing that could have happened, because after that I was able to decide I would NEVER do that to anyone else again. It was a very high price to pay … years of feeling emotionally inadequate at the hand of someone who “loved” me, followed by knowing I had helped separate a father from his children. Nope, I am done. Won’t ever cheat again.