I just wanted to express my appreciation for you taking the time to read and respond to my post. Also, thank you for the kind prayers. Slowly and surely things are sorting themselves out even if it wasn’t the way I expected.

My guy and I are on speaking terms and I have tried to understand his fears of commitment. I do not regret my actions in ending the relationship and I can see that sometimes things happen for a reason, and for that fact I am grateful for all that I have in my life already.

Thanks again and may God bless you.

Ella

I do want to caution you about something. In relationships, never be afraid of letting your emotions show. Your tears or lack of tears does nothing to prove your strength. Emotionally detaching yourself from a relational break down is not a healthy practice and rarely has the impact that we hope it might on the other person. It is good to show the impact of the loss of a relationship and mourn the break in trust. Being able to feel that deeply and still remain true to your convictions is a far better picture of strength.

I do agree that seeking God’s guidance in this situation is wise. I love His promise to us, “I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) God has a plan of how your life will play out and whom you will commit yourself to. Following His plan is always the best idea because you can know for sure that He has your best in mind.

Lord God I pray for Ella as she mourns the loss of this relationship. I ask that You would guard her heart from getting hardened in an attempt to protect herself from being hurt. I ask that she would allow this experience to help her discover Your leading in her life more and more. Comfort her in this loss and bring her joy in this next phase of her journey in life. Amen.

You are fortunate to have come across this experience now as an engaged woman rather than as a married one. It is an important lesson that we all have to go through at one point or another and being able to deal with this now is going to give you strength for the future of your marriage. Temptations are always going to be there in our lives. How we react to them becomes a far more important aspect. As Martin Luther once said, “You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair.”

When you affirmed “I love my fiancé more than anything in this world” that was a good step to stopping the bird from making a nest in your hair. You acknowledge that there are other attractive men out in this world but that doesn’t detract at all from the love that you have for your man. Rehearse in your mind the things that you love about him. Remind yourself why you have made the commitment to join yourself to him forever in marriage. Every time your thoughts are drawn to this fellow-student use that as a trigger to think about your love for your fiancé. Dismiss in your mind the power this attraction has over you and reaffirm your commitment to the man you love.

Being able to develop that kind of pattern of dealing with attractions now before you are married will give your marriage a great strength for the future. The Bible talks about this kind of combat against thoughts that could lead us astray, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) God helps us with that kind of transformation of our thought-life, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” (Romans 12:2)

Let me pray for you: God in Heaven, I pray for Dahlia as she and her fiancé are far apart from each other and she is faced with the temptation of compromising on her commitment. I pray that You would help her to change her thought patterns so that she would avoid dwelling on thoughts that take her away from what she really wants. Fill her heart and mind with all kinds of reasons why she is in love with her fiancé and deepen her level of commitment to him alone. Amen.

Dahlia, Let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors. They can help you discover how God can help you transform your thoughts and your whole life. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.

I was with my boyfriend for four and a half years and I never once thought about cheating on him. He has a very quiet character which I have always loved about him, and I never thought he would ever cheat, or think of cheating on me. We have always respected each other and frowned upon others that disrespect their partners. He is 27 and I am 25. We are both breaking into our careers, but things have not been going well for him at work lately. I was also due to be transferred elsewhere for my work too.

The plan was for us both to move to a country near by (which I wont mention for fear of being found out)and find work there soon. I recently had exams with school so I was quite busy, but even before my exams things were fine. We did argue a little but I thought the pressure was just getting to him.

After 3 weeks of being ignored (we don’t live together), he finally explains via phone why he disappeared. (only after gentle coercion and after I had already broken up with him because he refused to explain his erratic behavior).

His argument was that because I had initiated the break between us, I didn’t respect the conditions and kept contacting him. My argument was I was not given a ‘reason’ for the break and that I will not put my life on hold because he is confused. So I ended things (as painful as it was).

3 weeks later he admitted to me finally (and still not having seen his face)that he was attracted to a woman at work. He swore that nothing happened but he was disturbed by the fact that this chemistry between them was happening for the last few weeks. His father cheated on his mother years ago and that tore the family apart. He is seeking ‘advice’ from his father, but hasn’t told his mum or sister the reason we broke up.(hmmmm i wonder why)
He also says he loves me very much, and cried a whole bunch of tears on the phone (i didn’t cry on the phone, just to prove how strong i was). He also said that he cannot promise to be faithful to me in the future because of this one off thing (so he says) that happened (i.e. marriage, moving away etc)

I loved him so much, and he did break my heart. I also felt extremely disrespected. Apart of me almost cant comprehend what has happened, but as much as I love him I love my self more and will not continue in this relationship knowing that he has said he can’t trust himself. I know I have to move on.

I am also a strong believer of forgiving and moving on although this is very hard for me because our lives were intertwined, but I am slowly following the same destination but with a different route (without him). This all happened recently and I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, and he also says he needs time alone but he just wanted to be honest with me about things. He has never ever given me reason for concern (and Im generally quite sharp at tings like that),and we spent most evenings and weekends together too. All I can do is continue to ask God for guidance I guess and the strength to help me through.

The problem is though; lately I ended up in this group project for a class. Two guys and a girl. One of the guys in the group started talking more to me and hanging out with me. Apparently he was flirting with me and me with him, which one of my friends pointed out to me. I completely didn’t notice though and now I feel horrible because well..I’ve started developing feelings for him. I like him quite a lot. He’s funny and cute and not bad looking either. I’m a sucker for personalities and find myself drawn to guys who are really sweet and funny. So of course I start falling for him. The thing was though I think I was denying it until I went dancing with my friends the other night and he told me, while a little drunk, that he really liked me and I should think about dating him. I was startled and didn’t really know what to say. He left with his friends after that.

I feel so disgusted with myself though! I love my fiancé more than anything in this world. I miss him so bad it aches and I cry all the time. Long distance relationships suck!! I know it will be awhile before I can see him too. And in comes this guy and I start feeling for him and now I find I forget to message my fiancé sometimes and he’s worried about me. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings and I feel like I’m a horrible person for even thinking about this other guy! :’( I actually hate myself right now for even admitting this out loud. –sigh-

First, you mentioned this other man that you are attracted to and wonder if you should keep in touch with him or not. My advice to you would be to not have any contact with him. It sounds like your marriage is in a vulnerable place at the moment, it’s not broken, but it’s a little delicate. When that happens you need to be extra careful to protect it. You said yourself that you feel guilty about the friendship, listen to your gut. You are married and he has a family of his own. Pursue a romance and it’s going to cause a lot of pain for a lot of people. Pursue a friendship when your marriage is vulnerable and the relationship could happen by accident. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, “I’d like to cheat on my husband today.” Well, not very many people anyway. But often an affair happens when two people are friends and then start relying on each other emotionally, and then something bad happens and this other person is one they lean on for strength. That’s when you get people saying, “I don’t know how this happened.” So yes, for now, I would recommend putting a lot of distance between you and this man.

As for your marriage it sounds like something is not as it should be. You said that you are not sure if you love your husband. That’s a big question to look at. Try this exercise: write down the top 10 things you love about your husband. Is it easy to come up with a list? Is it hard? If it’s hard it does not necessarily mean that you do not love him, but it may mean that either a) you have stopped paying attention to the good things or b) you have been hurt and the hurt makes it hard to see the good. People who are deeply in love are sometimes also attracted to other people. The difference between the people who cheat and the people who don’t is what they do with that attraction. Act on it, and you take a step way from your marriage. Turn away from it and you turn back toward your marriage.

Have you considered seeing a counsellor or talking with a pastor? There may be an issue in your marriage that can be worked through. It could be a communication issue, a question of time, an issue with finances or family obligations or a decision that you’re trying to make. A confidential third party can help you work through that so that your marriage comes out stronger and better able to face the next challenge. Marriage is work. Great marriages are still work. But the benefits of a wonderful marriage are enormous. It may feel like a great marriage is a long way off, or even a few years behind you, but there is absolutely hope for you and your husband. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Fighting FOR your marriage is a good and healthy thing.